Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Lyokanthrope;49445346]Heh. 2015 was a giant load of shit. I fucked up, other people fucked up, I fucked up more, my anger got the best of me many times, I got a job due to luck, lost a job due to stupidity, lost friends due to stupidity, lost my place of residence again thanks to stupidity, now I have quite a few people with raging hateboners for me because I did stupid shit. People I'd [B]love[/B] to call out for being assholes (and if either of you two read this: go fuck yourselves), especially a someone who promises to ruin my 'reputation' - as if I haven't done a good enough job of that already. But, eh, fuck 'em. Trying to drop everything that went wrong in the past 12 months to start with a clean slate is pretty tough. I want 2016 to be the year I finally fucking succeed, that I make a good effort, that I don't make any more enemies, that I don't end up slugging a friend in the face like I did the last two years. But the more I look at it, the more I feel like that I won't be able to break this cycle of having to completely reboot my life every year. Seriously. Every. Fucking. Year. Since I moved out of my mom's place in November 2012. Parents divorced in 2009, woo. South Carolina for a few months, Maryland for a few months, failed to get a job because I was a lazy, socially anxious shit. Thought I could trust some asshole to fly me to Hawaii (he was happy to do that) and help me start my life up there, maybe move to Seattle after a year or so. Hah, nope. Fellout hard with him. Ended up stranded in Hawaii until December 2014. At least I got my GED there, and some work experience. Oh, did I mention I failed to graduate high-school in Pennsylvania? Yeah, go me. Hated going there, dropped out. December 25th of 2014: Finally managed to get back to my home state in Pennsylvania. May or so of 2015, ended up decking the guy that helped me off that shithole of an island because of a stupid argument regarding his new boyfriend who kept treating me like garbage. Thought we recovered from that, I got a job a little later, then lost it in September because I accidentally slept in one too many days. Another fine example of my incompetence. November 27th of 2015. Kicked out of the place I was at, made my former best friend hate my guts again (or maybe he had since May anyway? No idea.) and everything about me because I threatened one of his friends for making the decision to kick me out with no warning. That circle of friends is basically gone, now. Especially evident in the way they love to insult me on Twitter. Got picked up by another friend in New York, where I currently am... I don't know what to do with myself. I shouldn't have moved out of my mom's. Maybe I would've found a job there. Maybe I'd be having a decent life. Maybe I'd have a car. Maybe someone I could call my significant other. Maybe I'd even have my own apartment, and all the things I could ever want. But nah, I fucked it all up, as I always do. I squander all my opportunities, I make everyone hate me. Every. Fucking. Year. I'm a lazy fucking bum who can't do shit for himself. I'm mentally a stupid teenager still. I'm almost 22. I should be doing a lot better by now. I don't know how I've survived this long. Even this whole post is just a cry for attention, I guess. Waah, feel bad for me, or something. Ugh, I'm gonna go back to listening to post rock and trying to find something to entertain my stupid brain for a bit.[/QUOTE] You were given a warning on being kicked out - and the distance was made because your friend was terrified of you and how you were acting around this. You called him some terrible things too. All because he wouldn't pay for you to live with them again? There's more, but no point going into it here. Regardless, I don't hate you because of what happened and your involvement in it. I'm disappointed, yeah, but that's only because I am your friend and I know you can do better and be better. I believe you can turn your life around, but you need to leave the past behind as best as you can. Get a job, and seek help for whatever it is is getting to you - maybe it's therapy, maybe it's depression /anxiety idk. A lot of what I've heard from you and about you from others reminds me of ADHD, so I'd consider that. There can be good that comes from an accounting of your past and an acknowledgement of your actions, but living in it or by it does no good. When you let it begin to define your future or your perceptions of your future, it is going out of control. You may have messed things up in last years, but you are not that Lyo! If you change, from small steps to big steps, your future will change! But that does require you to break this thought cycle and to make active changes elsewhere. You're not a lazy fucking bum, and you're not at some terrible place for your age. Just please do change and give your everything towards pursuing that goal . I think seeking professional psychological help is an excellent goal for you, as sorting that out can make the rest soooooooooooo much easier.

I have a tendency to act stupid and I want to stop, but I can't. Every time I'm around people I always end up acting like a complete retard and fuck everything up and then when I get home I feel awful because I know that isn't the way I should behave or the way people expect me to behave. It's just I can't stop speaking nonsense, conversations with me are extremely difficult because I always change the topic by accident and end up looking weird or strange, that sucks a lot and then everyone I know begins ignoring me or avoid me because, while I'm serious when I'm alone, whenever I'm with someone I act stupid. I don't do it in purpose, it just happens and fuck, I hate that, if I could only keep my head from driving me into stupid shit maybe my life would be a lot better. Sometimes I feel like just giving up on life, it just makes my connections with people a lot harder and there's like no explanation for it, I have never been diagnosed with anything or been forced to take medication, it's just pure nonsense coming out of my head. I just hope one day it will just stop happening but I'm afraid I'm just waiting for something that will never happen. Everyone ignores, nobody listens and if they do I just can't prevent myself from saying something stupid and ruining everything. People make mistakes, but I'm someone who ALWAYS makes mistakes, I can't stop making them and having me around is an accident waiting to happen. I'm wrong all time and even when I say that I'm wrong all time it's still wrong because it isn't right. I believe that you guys, even with all your problems, still have something good left in yourselves. You have helped someone, you could be the reason someone wakes up in the morning, you could be the person who makes someone's day. I just waste people's time. No point in taking the time of my therapist, the time and attention of my friends and keep taking space in places where someone who is infinitely better than me could take and be more efficient.

[QUOTE=paindoc;49446002]You were given a warning on being kicked out - and the distance was made because your friend was terrified of you and how you were acting around this. You called him some terrible things too. All because he wouldn't pay for you to live with them again? There's more, but no point going into it here. Regardless, I don't hate you because of what happened and your involvement in it. I'm disappointed, yeah, but that's only because I am your friend and I know you can do better and be better. I believe you can turn your life around, but you need to leave the past behind as best as you can. Get a job, and seek help for whatever it is is getting to you - maybe it's therapy, maybe it's depression /anxiety idk. A lot of what I've heard from you and about you from others reminds me of ADHD, so I'd consider that. There can be good that comes from an accounting of your past and an acknowledgement of your actions, but living in it or by it does no good. When you let it begin to define your future or your perceptions of your future, it is going out of control. You may have messed things up in last years, but you are not that Lyo! If you change, from small steps to big steps, your future will change! But that does require you to break this thought cycle and to make active changes elsewhere. You're not a lazy fucking bum, and you're not at some terrible place for your age. Just please do change and give your everything towards pursuing that goal . I think seeking professional psychological help is an excellent goal for you, as sorting that out can make the rest soooooooooooo much easier.[/QUOTE] I was given a warning of 7 days that I was being kicked out. (which is illegal!) I had no fucking idea before that, other than one time a month beforehand where he came in and screamed at me about rent. And called him terrible things? I didn't call him a damn thing. He's the one that insulted me. He's also the one that let his boyfriend insult me over twitter a few days ago and even joined in. I can't [I]stand[/I] how people keep forgiving him. The distance was made during a time when nothing was even going on. He claimed he grew distant because I was 'too miserable'. Which is a dumb load of bullshit, at this point I'm sure he just lied to me for the past several months. If he was so scared of me after what happened, then why did he bother keeping me around for so long? Why did he choose to kick me out [I]then[/I]? The whole thing just reeks of deception. Yeah, I'm aware that I fucked up a lot and could be better. But why the shit is he forgiven and innocent?

It seems like most of what you're experiencing is a direct reciprocation to your behavior. It's not the answer that you probably want to hear, but it seems like that's the truth. I'd look for help, really.

[QUOTE=kyle877;49448673]It seems like most of what you're experiencing is a direct reciprocation to your behavior. It's not the answer that you probably want to hear, but it seems like that's the truth. I'd look for help, really.[/QUOTE] I know. And it's something I'm working on.

[QUOTE=Lyokanthrope;49448333]I was given a warning of 7 days that I was being kicked out. (which is illegal!) I had no fucking idea before that, other than one time a month beforehand where he came in and screamed at me about rent. And called him terrible things? I didn't call him a damn thing. He's the one that insulted me. He's also the one that let his boyfriend insult me over twitter a few days ago and even joined in. I can't [I]stand[/I] how people keep forgiving him. The distance was made during a time when nothing was even going on. He claimed he grew distant because I was 'too miserable'. Which is a dumb load of bullshit, at this point I'm sure he just lied to me for the past several months. If he was so scared of me after what happened, then why did he bother keeping me around for so long? Why did he choose to kick me out [I]then[/I]? The whole thing just reeks of deception. Yeah, I'm aware that I fucked up a lot and could be better. But why the shit is he forgiven and innocent?[/QUOTE] I'm not saying I forgive anyone. Can't say I've really judged anyone or treated either of you different, no need for me to. I just wanted to hear all sides of the story from as many people as possible. Still will gladly talk to you both. Why does it matter if people forgive him? You say you can't stand that. If you can't stand what I'm doing, sorry, but I don't give a damn. You are accountable for what you've done, and are trying to change. You are more mature and capable than you think

I'm starting to fall back into depression and I'm really scared about it. I spent pretty much all of high school depressed with the occasional streaks of happiness but as a whole kind of a mystanthropic bastard. I have incredibly intense anxieties and they've always contributed to depression which is fantastic For the last couple years I had the most supportive wonderful girl in the world to sort of keep my head afloat, but ever since school started in September I found myself getting back into my old habits, not caring about anything, staying home constantly, sleeping, ignoring people (including my girlfriend) She left me about a month ago and is dating one of her friends now and I think that's kind of pushed me over the brink Being sad over a breakup is normal but I'm starting to think this isn't normal sadness, I basically have spent 100% of my time sleeping days away, barely eat or drink anymore and am losing weight which is definitely not a normal reaction. I've been trying all the usual suggestions of distractions and seeing friends but really nothing is helping me right now I don't want to slip back into being that guy , im worried

Man. I've been in a bad way lately. I'm going to TradeSchool, and working a fulltime job. I'm planning to move to PA later this year. It's just a bad rut, I know I'll get over it. My depression gets like real bad, then fades away, then comes back a few weeks later and repeats. I'm not sure if anybody else is like this as well. I have no reason to be depressed. I have a Home, a job, and I'm going to School. I think I just miss my family. I really miss them. I don't have any family left since my sister passed away last year. I just wish I could talk to my mother one more time. I'll smoke and play some videogames after I return Home from work, try to hang out and bullshit around with the guys at work, maybe that will help.

Something weird is happening, normally I feel emotionally blank to things and people around me, but for the past few days I've been getting brief flashes of emotion, like a sense of awe or connection which I can not recall experiencing as strongly before.

is it worth putting symbols in my steam name to let people know what 'mode' i'm in? cause sometimes people don't understand how i go from capslock abusing, joke and funny picture sharing, extremely talkative manic days to quiet, fuck me, fuck you, let me share my woes with you for the umpteenth time depressive days. [editline]4th January 2016[/editline] or maybe i could just use 'busy' online status but that might confuse people more.

[QUOTE=Qaus;49451812]is it worth putting symbols in my steam name to let people know what 'mode' i'm in? cause sometimes people don't understand how i go from capslock abusing, joke and funny picture sharing, extremely talkative manic days to quiet, fuck me, fuck you, let me share my woes with you for the umpteenth time depressive days.[/QUOTE] No?

this might be a tad personal but does anyone have tips for dealing with abuse recovery [editline]4th January 2016[/editline] bonus points if it isn't 'get a therapist'

I think the depression is coming back hard. I'm not feeling sad, but I just can't be bothered to do anything. getting out of bed, going to psychologist, contacting friends, working out and so on. feeling drained of energy

I think half the reason I'm so depressed is because it's winter time, the sun hasn't really been out that much. Almost every day it's been grey skies, cold bitter air, and occasional snow/rain. Today I'm going out to pawn some stuff I obtained, probably going to get ripped off but at least I know what I should be getting for it. I'm cashing in some jewlry and scrap gold/silver I have. My attitude towards being on my own (not really having my friend to rely on anymore) has just been "Well maybe if I sleep on it I'll feel less upset about it and my subconscious will figure out what to do. Because for the most part I'm completely lost." My friend messaged me the other day saying she's sorry and she still wants to be my friend, but me and her both feel like we need a break. To be honest that's the best thing for us right now. I don't know if the roomate thing will work out. I'm super thankful *for the people who donated to my gofundme so far. One of my internet friends shared the gofundme on tumblr, so I'm sure it's going to spread like wildfire there. I've seen loads of local teens asking for money to pay for their college tuition, and some gofundme's asking for over $10,000 just to get their healthy normal kids to go to disney land. (Most of which actually got thousands of donations) So I no longer feel like I don't deserve a little help. Because honestly when (if) someday I am in a stable position with a stable job, and I have extra money, I'd totally donate to teens in my shoes. I don't feel entitled to any "help" I get because the world owes me nothing, but you guys get the idea. I'm thankful for it.

I'm starting to get really Fucking nervous, the last couple of days I'd been having dreams that involve hurting myself and I'm pretty panicked at what that means I'm definitely in a shitty mood right now but I can't tell if that's just meaningless overreaction and being dramatic or something worse I don't want to believe my brain has ths capability to consider stuff like that

I think the beginning of my relapse has begun, or has already started. everything is sort of collapsing again. my energy is gone again. friends are disappearing. I'm not able to work out. the list goes on. I'm so scared I'll be hospitalized again which I don't want, but nothing else is really helping and that's the only thing that has helped in the past.

Today I found out the pawn shop went out of buisness, so I can't pawn in any jewlry I have for money. That's ok I can sell it on ebay and there's another pawn shop in my dad's town. I spent [I]hours[/I] aimlessly walking out in the cold-ass-snow, down the main street, weaving in and out of every open buisness asking if they were hiring; I was told things like "We're not hiring right now. Sorry." Or "Have you tried applying online?" Which I responded "yes" to the places I have applied to (which was all of the ones in my area.) they said "we'll give you a call if we're hiring." Didn't help that I got cat called by a douche driving a beat up car with a spoiler. I hate my neighborhood. I was starting to lose feeling in my feet and fingers so I said "alright I'll try one last place and then I'll go home..." and I found a sub shop, the lady behind the counter said "hey how can I help you." and I said "yeah, are you guys hiring at all?" she said "what kind of job are you looking for?" I said "Any. I've been applying for jobs since june and no one has called me back yet." she said "hangon let me get some paper, I hope you don't mind, we dont have any applications but if you could just write as much information as you can on this- *she hands me a blank notepad of lined paper* I'll give it to my boss and we'll see what we can do." I wrote down a bunch of info, adress, education, phone number, professional email, name, etc. and handed it to her and I felt really good. But I also felt awful because my town is so ghetto and I feel unsafe walking around by myself. I'm praying I get a job.

I think I might need to consider hospitalization again. I don't think I need it immediately, but the signs of a relapse have gotten pretty obvious. I think I may have gone past the point of no return. I'm already unable of seeing my psychologist which was the first big sign of my isolation in 2013, and I've begun feeling hesitant to go out to meet people which was also a big sign back in 2013. I'm unable to get out of bed at reasonable hours and feel no will to go to bed when I should. I know for sure I'm not functioning when it comes to daily tasks, but I do function socially at least. even then, I do have things to work on socially. I have a hard time believing people, putting trust in them, and constantly think that they hate me all of sudden with no proof backing it. I'm analyzing my relations with everyone since I'm so afraid of losing them and it gets pretty exhausting. [editline]4th January 2016[/editline] I think someone who was gay was hitting on me today though, which is always a compliment :smug: [editline]4th January 2016[/editline] I've also begun feeling that severe emptiness. normally I'm able to speak my thoughts and share them, but when the depression hits I get very empty and start having issues with opening up since there's nothing I can think of to share. [editline]4th January 2016[/editline] so annoying, I always have a tendency to function near perfect levels for a short while. I can work, go to bed when I should, wake up when I should, be part of everything, do everything and have a perfect life. then a month or two passes, it becomes part of my routine, and then everything suddenly just doesn't work anymore. then depression hits again. then anxiety comes back. then the isolation comes back. then life sucks. no idea whats up, why can't I keep anything going

I don't know what to do anymore Every time I'm awake I just end up feeling sick and crying Being asleep is the only thing that makes me happy anymore

I think I legit may end up killing myself if I were to lose everyone again. I just can't take another year or longer without anyone around me. I'm incredibly reliant on people to feel well. as soon as there's a single day with little to no social contact or anything happening, the thoughts instantly come. as soon as I'm done being with people and head home, the thoughts come. its how I tackle my problems so it's an incredibly scary thought that I might lose my way of coping. on top of this, I'm over analytic and really paranoid of what others think of me. I can't attach myself and react way too quickly over anything negative. its a bad combo, these things go directly against each other. I really need to start thinking of a way to pull myself back up. working out might work, but then again, I'm not really able to get up in the morning to do it. same with a psychologist, but I don't really think that helps that much to begin with. right now the only solution I see is potentially hospitalizing myself again. if I do that, it's important that the staff is fairly young (30 and below) since I don't connect well with older staff. I need someone who can be more of a friend than a health care worker. I'm afraid I'll lose a lot of freedom if I were to do this, it's something I feel I need.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49454808]I think I legit may end up killing myself if I were to lose everyone again. I just can't take another year or longer without anyone around me. I'm incredibly reliant on people to feel well. as soon as there's a single day with little to no social contact or anything happening, the thoughts instantly come. as soon as I'm done being with people and head home, the thoughts come. its how I tackle my problems so it's an incredibly scary thought that I might lose my way of coping. on top of this, I'm over analytic and really paranoid of what others think of me. I can't attach myself and react way too quickly over anything negative. its a bad combo, these things go directly against each other. I really need to start thinking of a way to pull myself back up. working out might work, but then again, I'm not really able to get up in the morning to do it. same with a psychologist, but I don't really think that helps that much to begin with. right now the only solution I see is potentially hospitalizing myself again. if I do that, it's important that the staff is fairly young (30 and below) since I don't connect well with older staff. I need someone who can be more of a friend than a health care worker. I'm afraid I'll lose a lot of freedom if I were to do this, it's something I feel I need.[/QUOTE] Have you looked around to see if maybe there's any sort of support group in your area you might be able to attend for depression? I'm thinking there's a possibility the age range is what you're looking for

[QUOTE=Dick Slamfist;49454897]Have you looked around to see if maybe there's any sort of support group in your area you might be able to attend for depression? I'm thinking there's a possibility the age range is what you're looking for[/QUOTE] support group? do you know of a specific name for that kind of thing? it sounds a little vague so I'm not sure what to search for. I was thinking of maybe looking for a support contact instead of being hospitalized again since I think that's what I miss the most. just someone I can rely on, do things with, and so on. its what I miss the most from my days at the first hospital and missed a lot in the second one which I think is why I couldn't stand being there

I wish I had the sense to leave my ex alone. I feel so guilty about sending her the texts.believe me I've learned my lesson, were not speaking, but at the time I was so lonely and desperate I wanted to talk to her so bad just go know she still thought of me I just came across as pathetic and lonely (to be fair, I am) but it wasn't helping at all. I made her hate me and ruined any chance of ever hearing from her again. I just want to hear her voice again one day. I've been looking at photos and just sobbing thinking about what I've lost. This is a serious problem with me. I have such a desire to be liked, to be needed by someone that whenever I lose a friend or something like this I lose my mind, and a girlfriend of 2 years was kind of the biggest loss I've ever felt. I hate myself for how I reacted and I fucking wish I'd just thought about any of it and held back. We still wouldn't be talking but at least in the back of my mind id know it was good terms, instead of this. When I think back on our relationship I just feel awful She was everything I'd ever wanted in a woman, someone who was my best friend and made me feel safe and happy and I fucked it all up. I fucked it all up and made her feel insecure and like my second choice because she was so goddamn perfect for me I had to remind her of useless things she didnt have out of some deluded desire for her to be even better And I lost her forever because of that and I'm worried I'll do that to every woman And I'm worried I'll never find another woman who makes me half that happy Theres very few women who'll lay in bed listening to diamond dogs reading batman comics and planning what the cosplay for the year is going to be, all the while arguing bullshit about Evangelion Im terrified she was my best chance at happiness and I fucked everything up like I always do Just thinking today looking at her picture knowing I'll never kiss her again I'll never know her touch again I'll never get to hear her say I love you Its getting me deep. What I wouldn't give for one more chance.

[QUOTE=_jesterk;49452067]this might be a tad personal but does anyone have tips for dealing with abuse recovery [editline]4th January 2016[/editline] bonus points if it isn't 'get a therapist'[/QUOTE] I don't need no bonus points! The use of a therapist in cases of emotional issues is having an external perspective. Abuse fucks with your internal monologue, and that's why it's so hard to fight. In general, despite their reputation, I can almost guarantee there are good self help books about this subject. That would be a solid first step. Abuse fucking pisses me off. My parents emotionally manipulate me and coerce me for school, and my father has always been emotionally abusive sometimes almost physically abusive of me (no one else). I can't imagine what it'd be like to be truly abused, but you do have my earnest sympathy

the thing I hate the most about depression is that there doesn't really seem to be a good answer as to how you fix it. the same goes for most mental disorders, but depression seems to be among one of the ones that never have a good, universal fix. social anxiety for example at least has a good solution that works for most people, expose yourself to social situations that are uncomfortable. not easy, but at least there is a solution. how do you turn around negative thoughts when you need positive thoughts to turn those negative thoughts around? you need something that is, in worst case, not there. the answer everyone says is "get help" but what does the kind of help they refer to really do? in therapy you just talk, unwind from thoughts and so on. it doesn't really "help" directly, you still need to somehow do something in your own head to fix this [editline]5th January 2016[/editline] depression can vary a lot in severity, but I imagine when people reach the point where depression severely hinders day to day tasks, it's also a thing that's always around. the point when there are little to no positive thoughts left and just a lot of hopelessness. how can talking to someone 1 hour a week help with that when it's always around? the only solution I see is 24/7 hospitalization [editline]5th January 2016[/editline] it feels like it's time to throw in the towel and stop trying [editline]5th January 2016[/editline] even though life is shit, I potentially lose all my friends and suddenly go into isolation again, I'm promising myself that I'll still hit my weight loss goal. even if I might not be able to go to the gym and build muscles, it's just important that the fat goes away. I'm already halfway there, just 10kg more. it's barely any effort as well, just gotta weigh my shit which I've always done. might even get easier if I do isolate myself since I won't be able to eat kebab and subs all day, giving me more accurate info of my consumed calories who needs friends when I can look good in my room

I miss the times when life felt organized. right now, I find it hard to think since everything is so scattered. so many worries, yet I don't really know what they are. if I really think, I find them, but it's not easy to locate them all.

I messed up bad. I guess my friend has been distant with her other friends after the incident. I have yet to give a proper apology, me and her have yet to have a real talk. But she wants time and so do I so I'm respecting that. Plus she blocked me on all social media. I'm too pussy to have a real talk about the other issues between us though because for whatever reason I'm scared it will wreck our friendship permanently, but at this point what have I got left to lose? I'd rather have the conversation with her face to face though. I almost want to go down there when she's all settled in her new place for a week and just talk with her. OR if my fundraiser kicks off and I reach my goal before spring, I'll get it all registered/get all my shit, and take a drive down there and surprise her with a spontaneous road trip when she's not in classes.

It sucks how easy many people find it to deal with incidents by trying to shut the other party entirely out of their own perception. I can only be glad over that I managed to drive such a fair point that my ex turned around. It just feels so weird with the contrast of telling me to stay away from her and her close circle, to wanting to talk and hear me tell her about my special trust towards her and wanting to hear me spill out what I've kept buried for almost three years. It makes me really anxious as I've been wanting to talk face to face with her for half a year now. And not only that; I know what I feel and I want to tell her that I love her. I know what it is because as much as I'd prefer a romantic relationship; I'd still be very happy with a platonic relationship. Just feels like not going for the former type would be somewhat redundant in a way as I've never felt this way towards anybody else in a romantic relationship. As I still care for her very much and she cares for me too. Being one of the three people that actually ask me how I'm feeling instead of just how I'm doing. Besides: I seem to only romantically attract people dealing with mental issues. Fucking hell! Even today this one girl started talking with me online on this one hookup&friending site, and we got a long well, it was really easy talking with her. And would you know it! Major depression. Even those two that kissed me out of the blue at a house-warming party a month ago both deal with anxiety and depression. :what: I'd almost make the assumption that I emanate some natural SSRI, but that doesn't explain what happens online. And the seemingly least MI-suffering person to fall for me was a closeted Russian-Kazakhstani guy, so I'm not making any bets. Any relationship I'd go to would still in the end be about two people fixing themselves and not falling into desperately hiding from their own depression under the veil of infatuation. Seems like the way connections form easily between people like us has something to do with familiarity, maybe a part of it really subtle and sub-conscious. And a large part probably is how few people whom don't deal with mental illnesses don't understand. For example; my best friend is really smart and his fiance deals with depression, so he has done his best to understand. But he still has this image of that depression is a system of not being able to cope with what life throws at you due to damage taken. It gets a bit frustrating at times. My previous psychologist said something to me this year that hit me quite hard: "You've felt this way your entire life haven't you". And now that I've had a lot of spare time to harken back my childhood; I don't think I've shown a healthy amount of that expected vitality in my youth. Not to mention that in my youngest years; there have been cases where I've told my parents that I'd kill myself. Not really the expected words out of a pre-schooler. Nor thinking so much about death in general. Can hardly wait for therapy on Friday after three weeks of holiday-leave.

Ohhhhh it's 4AM and I have been trying to sleep for the past 5 hours la de dah. Of course my brain would never allow such a thing when it can instead be worrying about some important stuff that is very important but I can't do anything about for now. Maybe it should focus on the exam on wednesday but nope not gonna happen, fuck you me, I'm your brain and I will focus on your portfolio or lack thereof to the point you haven't revised at all, while keeping you awake. Not even been able to go to counselling for 2 months due to my guy being full then winter break happening. I DON'T FUCKING GET IT I HAVE KEPT UP MY MEDICATION FOR OVER A YEAR I HAVE KEPT UP MY COUNSELLING I DO EVERYTHING I AM FUCKING TOLD I FUCKING HATE BEING ANXIOUS AND UNABLE TO SLEEP AND NOTHING HAS FUCKING CHANGED. I've seen a rucking psychiatrist and occ health physician and nurse, I just don't give a shit anymore. I fucking give up, fuck this shit. 2 fucking weeks and not a single day of them have I gone to sleep before midnight, 8 times I stayed up past 3. This persists even when I don't use my phone or pc past 9, I don't even know man.

I have a friend who's been opening up to me recently and I have no idea what to do right now. Stuff about suicide and death, and she told me she's cutting herself and experimenting with small amounts of alcohol. I'm not in any position to help her directly and I've been telling her to open up to other people who will know what they're talking about and help her get help. I'm probably going to visit on saturday just so we can talk about shit but this is kind of scary because I don't want to accidentally lead her deeper or not do anything.