Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I'm scared. I begin college in January 18th but I need to make my schedule this Thursday. The past semester I joined a program for student exchange preparation and I got extremely difficult classes, now it seems like I have been put on the program again and they're going to make my schedule. I'm afraid they will put me with difficult teachers and then I will fail again. I don't know what to do. I have to go to work very early in the morning and I can't go to college and turn in a letter to put myself out of the program. None of my friends is answering, I'm pretty much fucked. The past semester my math teacher was this french doctor, the coordinator keep saying that he was a "pretty good teacher", but actually he was one of the shittiest ones. All we saw was stuff that wasn't even on the test and I had to study everything on my own since classes were nearly useless in content, and I still failed but passed the 2nd chance test.

[QUOTE=paindoc;49456157]I don't need no bonus points! The use of a therapist in cases of emotional issues is having an external perspective. Abuse fucks with your internal monologue, and that's why it's so hard to fight. In general, despite their reputation, I can almost guarantee there are good self help books about this subject. That would be a solid first step. Abuse fucking pisses me off. My parents emotionally manipulate me and coerce me for school, and my father has always been emotionally abusive sometimes almost physically abusive of me (no one else). I can't imagine what it'd be like to be truly abused, but you do have my earnest sympathy[/QUOTE] we'll have to see i guess but yes it's not fun i read worrying shit about how my brain is now literally damaged lel

Sometimes I feel like a single session with my therapist may not be enough, I feel like I need more. It's just I feel shit randomly and I got no one to talk to or my friends get mad because "stop with you sad shit, suicide is for cowards lel"

[QUOTE=_jesterk;49459348]we'll have to see i guess but yes it's not fun i read worrying shit about how my brain is now literally damaged lel[/QUOTE] And the brain is remarkably robust, capable of extensive repair, and surprising recovery. It takes time, but it can be done. The brain may be damaged, but this is no different than a broken limb or hurt internal organ. Despite how society fucking acts, the brain is as important as the rest in terms of upkeep and care. Abuse makes me sad though. And mad. Your post makes me all teary eyed, it's just not fucking fair ;_;

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49459397]Sometimes I feel like a single session with my therapist may not be enough, I feel like I need more. It's just I feel shit randomly and I got no one to talk to or my friends get mad because "stop with you sad shit, suicide is for cowards lel"[/QUOTE] They aren't friends if they say that.

I found that therapy and anti depressants never helped me, I've had dozens of actual therapists, none of which could pinpoint what to do or what advice to give me. I've had theraputic mentors too, and they couldn't help me. Meds permanently fucked with my hormones. I've got massive levels of testosterone that shouldn't even be there. (I am a female) When I was off of any medications, I was able to solve shit for myself. However I will say this, when I do get depressed its much much deeper than before. But the fact that I can un-cloud my head of most of my depressing thoughts just enough to problem solve and function on my own shows that medicine isn't what's good for me. Why do you think they called the great depression the great depression? The economy was so trash, no one had a job, people were barely scraping by. I'm not trying to compare myself to people suffering from the great depression, my point is, money is so important to survival, not having a job is something valid to be depressed about.

[QUOTE=greeley;49459780]They aren't friends if they say that.[/QUOTE] Suicide is for cowards, you hurt everybody around you in an attempt to solve your own problems. You wouldn't call a suicide bomber heroic. [highlight](User was permabanned for this post ("terrible post, last warning blown" - Orkel))[/highlight]

[QUOTE=isreal?;49460105]Suicide is for cowards, you hurt everybody around you in an attempt to solve your own problems. You wouldn't call a suicide bomber heroic.[/QUOTE] are you really comparing suicide bombers to people who kill themselves without taking a crowd with them

[QUOTE=isreal?;49460105]Suicide is for cowards, you hurt everybody around you in an attempt to solve your own problems. You wouldn't call a suicide bomber heroic.[/QUOTE] Do you know what goes in the mind of someone who's depression has hit a suicidal level? It's not about cowardice or selfishness. It's about desperation. During summer when I nearly committed suicide; I was aware of that it would hurt people close to me, but I was deluded enough to think that it would hurt less than having me around on the long run.

[QUOTE=isreal?;49460105]Suicide is for cowards, you hurt everybody around you in an attempt to solve your own problems. You wouldn't call a suicide bomber heroic.[/QUOTE] You have no idea what the mental processes of a suicidal person are and you should probably refrain from making comments that are this asinine.

[QUOTE=isreal?;49460105]Suicide is for cowards, you hurt everybody around you in an attempt to solve your own problems. You wouldn't call a suicide bomber heroic.[/QUOTE] You're comparing "righteous religious [I]homicide[/I] used[I] to induce fear[/I] into others" AKA TERRORISM. and "people who see no other way out and are desperate to stop feeling deep sadness" AKA DEPRESSION. [B]Two completely different things[/B], you are a fucking tool. Get out.

[QUOTE=isreal?;49460105]Suicide is for cowards, you hurt everybody around you in an attempt to solve your own problems. You wouldn't call a suicide bomber heroic.[/QUOTE] jesus christ comparing a suicide bomber to people who kill themselves because they see no hope in their lives is one of the dumbest things I've read all week. At one point people simply have nothing left to give of themselves in their lives, and feel like no matter what they do they can't improve their situation or solve their problems, which just keep crushing them or knocking them down every day. Having gone through depression myself at one point, let me tell you that it isn't a fucking light switch you can just turn on and off in your head. If you honestly want to compare martyrdom for politico-religious reasons to the final moments in the ending life of a desperate person who's lost everything, then be my guest. :why:

Well.... So I met this girl, let's call her, uh, Emily. Because that was her name. In January of 2015 I met this quirky short girl, who for some reason, ENDING UP DESTROYING ME. See now i'm weird, I usually don't crush on people, but I don't know she was a unique one, and just so beautiful. It started as any relationship, I'd take her out once a week, surprise her with small things (including my dick), from time to time, it was the happiest I've ever been. Now before we trek any further, I know it's unhealthy to rely on another person to be happy, well that's my fatal flaw so fuck it, right? Okay so, around the end of July, we were dating for about 4 1/2 months, and something well, weird happened, out of the blue. I mean COMPLETELY out of the blue. We hadn't did anything, like nothing out of the ordinary triggered this, but she sorta just acted like I didn't exist. At all. It honestly went from "YOU ARE THE CUTEST MOTHER FUCKER EVER" to "Yes", "No", boring old stuff. Stuff that just WASN'T her. See now I tried to become adjusted, maybe the dust was just settling from that first burst of dating, you know? I was so so so wrong. I tried to hang out with her at least once a week, she would make so many excuses. The worst part? She'd hang out with friend and act like I didn't exist. If I would try to even talk to her while she was out she'd tell me "Oh you need to give me MY time away". I thought this was normal at the time, but it took a damper on my emotions, and all the second guessing I made, thinking what I could've done wrong. In August I broke up with her, and it was sad, because she retaliated with, "Wow I thought we were going good, this is ALL YOUR FAULT", now you guys gotta understand I didn't want to break up with her, but I felt like I was locked out and STILL alone, because of this. She then proceeded to string me along until September that's when I decided to say "Fuck you" and leave it all behind. It was really upsetting for months, I missed her, but knew how shitty it was, she didn't care though, not in the least. She moved on like not a thing happened, not even a day or two of being upset, it was fucked up. I understand I could've played my cards better, but you guys gotta know what I'm trying to explain. the girl of my dreams essentially fell out of love with me, and it fucked me up for awhile. Having someone you love to death fall out of you, is the single most scariest thing that has happened to me and scared me away from meeting new people. Why is it scary though? They swear up and down and promise that would never ever happen, and if/when it does, they don't address it. [sp]2016 is a new year though and I recently met someone who seems really fucking cool, so let's fucking do it[/sp] Edit: Whoa this is long I'm sorry.

PredGD I agree entirely with what Fort83 says. Organize the items you want to work on in life. Are you seeing a general mental health type therapist? That was the greatest help or utility of my therapist, as he helped me organize what I needed to work on and in what order I wanted to work on these things. Also helped give me the same perspective Fort83 did. You're about as old as I am, so you're fighting twenty years of habits and ways of thinking that may not be so great. It's going to take time, and quite a fair bit, and by working on only the big picture or only looking at that picture the going is slower and more dispiriting. Small goals and milestones let you make improvements towards a large goal, but are easier to track and you can enjoy the feeling of success for each small victory.

[QUOTE=Fort83;49461508]You're life isn't going to organize itself overnight, nor will life ever be a straight planned out path. Throughout your life the plan will alter due to events in your life, friends coming and going, relationships, interests, etc. You're not going to have full control over what life throws at you or how it plays out, and you won't have all the answers. But that's the reality we live in. I still think you're overthinking things and trying to have all the answers to all the questions in life right now. I feel for you about your friends situation and I can relate. About a year ago I lost a number of friends due to a situation I put myself in, but I've made some new ones over the course of this year. Most friends come and go but there will be some that stay. You may not have as many friends right now as you'd like, but you will make new ones. You're focusing too much on the big picture, and you feel everything is so scattered. Try focusing on one thing at a time, your weight is a great place to start and I'm glad to see that you have the motivation to continue moving towards your goal. Focus on that, and don't let anything or anyone else get in the way of you achieving that goal. Force yourself to go to the gym, as much as it might flare up some anxiety, the exercise will help make you feel better. Even working out at home will do that. Focus on that goal of losing the weight. [B]When[/B] you have completed that goal, set another goal (gain muscle, keep the weight off, run 5km, make a new friend, etc) and focus on that goal until you've completed it. Once you start achieving goals, your life will feel more stable and organized, and that you have some control over it. Who knows, you may just meet someone at the gym who becomes a new close friend.[/QUOTE] thats the harsh reality that keeps coming back to bother me. I've posted about it before, and when I've shared these thoughts with others in real life, they've always told me that it's just how life is and I need to learn to deal with it. this bothers me since I don't want to learn to deal with it, I want to live like I want to live but that's not possible. I am the kind of person who needs control, overview, knowledge, and so on. I have a strong desire to know exactly where I have my social relations, how to improve them, and so on. this goes for most things. I'm the kind of person who wants to know everything at once, not learn through trial and error since it feels like a waste of time, not an efficient way to spend time. that's true, I have a hard time seeing the smaller things in life. I'm too hooked to the thought of how the world works, what my meaning is, all of these big questions which can't be answered. I'm not sure how to turn this around since I'm not really that interested in my little, boring life. I've been trying to focus on the weight loss thing and its working out great, it's just that there's too much "down time" to think. losing weight is not something I "do", it's something that happens due to changes in my life. it's not like going to fish, socializing, bowling, or anything like that which actually consumes time. its just part of my life and because of that it's not an effective way of keeping my mind busy. I have a strong desire to keep my head active and I instantly get depressed, tired, negative and so on as soon as there's any down time. that makes me think, maybe it's not really a solution to keep my mind busy but instead learn to tackle my mind. not sure how to do that

[QUOTE=PredGD;49462781]thats the harsh reality that keeps coming back to bother me. I've posted about it before, and when I've shared these thoughts with others in real life, they've always told me that it's just how life is and I need to learn to deal with it. this bothers me since I don't want to learn to deal with it, I want to live like I want to live but that's not possible. I am the kind of person who needs control, overview, knowledge, and so on. I have a strong desire to know exactly where I have my social relations, how to improve them, and so on. this goes for most things. I'm the kind of person who wants to know everything at once, not learn through trial and error since it feels like a waste of time, not an efficient way to spend time. that's true, I have a hard time seeing the smaller things in life. I'm too hooked to the thought of how the world works, what my meaning is, all of these big questions which can't be answered. I'm not sure how to turn this around since I'm not really that interested in my little, boring life. I've been trying to focus on the weight loss thing and its working out great, it's just that there's too much "down time" to think. losing weight is not something I "do", it's something that happens due to changes in my life. it's not like going to fish, socializing, bowling, or anything like that which actually consumes time. its just part of my life and because of that it's not an effective way of keeping my mind busy. I have a strong desire to keep my head active and I instantly get depressed, tired, negative and so on as soon as there's any down time. that makes me think, maybe it's not really a solution to keep my mind busy but instead learn to tackle my mind. not sure how to do that[/QUOTE] Meditation. Learning to practice mindfulness meditation could really help you. It's one of the most common techniques employed for people with racing minds due to ADHD. It's easy too, especially getting started. Learning to stop chasing the thoughts and just observe them helps loads when I feel my mind running away if I'm stressed and the medication isn't working anymore. It's been a while since I've had to do it on a schedule, which was 4 times a day, but now I've gotten good enough that when I get really emotional or feel thoughts snowballing I can take a step back and restore order. So it's not something that'll be forgotten or become irrelevant when you get better. I think I linked a guide in the op, give it a shot!

[QUOTE=paindoc;49463684]Meditation. Learning to practice mindfulness meditation could really help you. It's one of the most common techniques employed for people with racing minds due to ADHD. It's easy too, especially getting started. Learning to stop chasing the thoughts and just observe them helps loads when I feel my mind running away if I'm stressed and the medication isn't working anymore. It's been a while since I've had to do it on a schedule, which was 4 times a day, but now I've gotten good enough that when I get really emotional or feel thoughts snowballing I can take a step back and restore order. So it's not something that'll be forgotten or become irrelevant when you get better. I think I linked a guide in the op, give it a shot![/QUOTE] I decided to give the meditation thing a try, so I found a guided one lasting 10 minutes. I didn't finish it, I lost patience to complete it after 6 minutes unfortunately. it was pretty odd and difficult. I was able to focus on what was happening now, like how hot the environment is, my breathing, my heart and so on, but as soon as a thought popped up I had a hard time getting rid of it again. a thought would normally pop up that would comment the video, then I realize I shouldn't be thinking, I think, so I shoo them away with new thoughts but then we have other thoughts suddenly requiring attention. then I remember that I was told to observe the thoughts, let them go, but I have no idea how to do that proper. I just used new thoughts to get rid of old thoughts so it didn't really solve the issue. was also pretty hard to do the breathing thing properly, but that's most likely since my nose is sore and stuffed since I'm sick. it did make a surprising difference in my head after I was done at least! I don't find that difference very positive, it bothers me a lot. it's negative. when I was done, I just felt incredibly empty of thoughts which is a reason to make the thoughts go racing again. I felt like I had lost (and still feel) my overview and awareness of all of my relations, problems, and situations. now I'm not able to remember what should be bothering me either but I'm confident there's something that should bother me now so it's bothering me that I don't know what that is. I'm feeling really stressed out. maybe I'm just not used to being so empty in the head and that alone is bothering me [editline]6th January 2016[/editline] I feel like there has to be a disorder I don't know about that causes all of this shit, but I have no idea what that could be. I just begun thinking that it might be ADHD of the inattentive type, but I don't know for sure. I know tests online are far from a proper diagnosis, but I did one meant for adults for inattentive type which I scored pretty high on. I was able to answer at the highest option on all of the questions. I don't see much of myself in the hyperactive sub type, but I see myself in some of the symptoms like difficulty to relax, constantly feeling restless and always having to fiddle around with something like tapping the table, flip my phone around, squeeze something and so on. gonna mention this tomorrow to psychologist

[QUOTE=PredGD;49463930]I decided to give the meditation thing a try, so I found a guided one lasting 10 minutes. I didn't finish it, I lost patience to complete it after 6 minutes unfortunately. it was pretty odd and difficult. I was able to focus on what was happening now, like how hot the environment is, my breathing, my heart and so on, but as soon as a thought popped up I had a hard time getting rid of it again. a thought would normally pop up that would comment the video, then I realize I shouldn't be thinking, I think, so I shoo them away with new thoughts but then we have other thoughts suddenly requiring attention. then I remember that I was told to observe the thoughts, let them go, but I have no idea how to do that proper. I just used new thoughts to get rid of old thoughts so it didn't really solve the issue. was also pretty hard to do the breathing thing properly, but that's most likely since my nose is sore and stuffed since I'm sick. it did make a surprising difference in my head after I was done at least! I don't find that difference very positive, it bothers me a lot. it's negative. when I was done, I just felt incredibly empty of thoughts which is a reason to make the thoughts go racing again. I felt like I had lost (and still feel) my overview and awareness of all of my relations, problems, and situations. now I'm not able to remember what should be bothering me either but I'm confident there's something that should bother me now so it's bothering me that I don't know what that is. I'm feeling really stressed out. maybe I'm just not used to being so empty in the head and that alone is bothering me [editline]6th January 2016[/editline] I feel like there has to be a disorder I don't know about that causes all of this shit, but I have no idea what that could be. I just begun thinking that it might be ADHD of the inattentive type, but I don't know for sure. I know tests online are far from a proper diagnosis, but I did one meant for adults for inattentive type which I scored pretty high on. I was able to answer at the highest option on all of the questions. I don't see much of myself in the hyperactive sub type, but I see myself in some of the symptoms like difficulty to relax, constantly feeling restless and always having to fiddle around with something like tapping the table, flip my phone around, squeeze something and so on. gonna mention this tomorrow to psychologist[/QUOTE] Normally you start with just 30 seconds or 60 seconds or so. And the goal is not at all to stop thinking- mindfullness meditation is about relinquishing control and just letting the thoughts go flying, but avoiding chasing any one of them its like a flock of birds flying over your head- just sit and watch the whole flock fly. maybe glance at a few individuals, peek around at the environment you're in and the like, but avoid going all tunnel-visioned on just one bird or following its flight alone. Be mindful of who you are in that moment, as a whole. It helps to release the "pressure" of all those racing thoughts and trends without forcing you to bottle them up, hide from them, or focus and worry about an individual one. There are also several other symptoms of ADHD-PI. How's your energy level? Do you anger easily? How well can you express emotions? Stuff like that can play into it more. With how mental disorders tend to have comorbidities, you could have ADHD. But I also think stress or anxiety is a fair bet, too. You've been through a lot lately and have experienced a fair amount of change. Anxiety and stress are invisible most of the time, but they are far more powerful than most people realize in terms of affecting our general well being on nearly all levels. [editline]5th January 2016[/editline] don't need to worry about breathing, posture or environment with mindfulness meditation. hell, most of the time i did it standing up with my eyes open and I've used it while working too I would bring that up to your psychologist though. see what he thinks of the idea. is that all what the link in the OP instructed? If so, I need to change it. or maybe I forgot to add the link.

[QUOTE=paindoc;49464251]Normally you start with just 30 seconds or 60 seconds or so. And the goal is not at all to stop thinking- mindfullness meditation is about relinquishing control and just letting the thoughts go flying, but avoiding chasing any one of them its like a flock of birds flying over your head- just sit and watch the whole flock fly. maybe glance at a few individuals, peek around at the environment you're in and the like, but avoid going all tunnel-visioned on just one bird or following its flight alone. Be mindful of who you are in that moment, as a whole. It helps to release the "pressure" of all those racing thoughts and trends without forcing you to bottle them up, hide from them, or focus and worry about an individual one. There are also several other symptoms of ADHD-PI. How's your energy level? Do you anger easily? How well can you express emotions? Stuff like that can play into it more. With how mental disorders tend to have comorbidities, you could have ADHD. But I also think stress or anxiety is a fair bet, too. You've been through a lot lately and have experienced a fair amount of change. Anxiety and stress are invisible most of the time, but they are far more powerful than most people realize in terms of affecting our general well being on nearly all levels. [editline]5th January 2016[/editline] don't need to worry about breathing, posture or environment with mindfulness meditation. hell, most of the time i did it standing up with my eyes open and I've used it while working too I would bring that up to your psychologist though. see what he thinks of the idea. is that all what the link in the OP instructed? If so, I need to change it. or maybe I forgot to add the link.[/QUOTE] I'll definitely try mindfulness meditation in the future as well, much shorter too. lots of good advice you had, I'm sure it'll be a better experience next time! regarding ADHD, I've never suspected it mostly because of the questions you asked. I don't think my energy levels are unusual (or maybe they are, I have a lot of energy when I'm not depressed and constantly need something to do. as I've written in the past, I quickly get depressed, restless, stressed and so on as soon as I'm not doing anything), I'm not easy to piss off (though when I first do get pissed off, it's always beyond the point of no return. I have very little control over my anger once it sets in, but it happens rarely) and I feel like I'm pretty good at expressing emotions. or the last one might be a lie, I feel like I often say stuff that I think is correct but I'm not really able to really read my emotions, its mostly just guessing based on the little I do know about my emotions. then again, I think stress might be a big factor here as well. my mind is constantly racing about problems I might have, I rarely get a minute of pause from them. [editline]6th January 2016[/editline] when I read the warning signs of ongoing stress I wouldn't be surprised if all of my issues stems from it. I never really thought of myself as a stressed person since I very rarely show my stress to others, it's not very visible like with some. I've never viewed myself as someone who stresses, but maybe that's because I've forgotten what not being stressed feels like so I have nothing to compare with making me, who might be constantly stressed, not feel stressed. [editline]6th January 2016[/editline] some people in the social advice thread commented that I always wrote posts with several paragraphs of text and seemed to stress a lot judging from my posts which might make sense. my mother is also a person who stresses a lot, and so is my sister, so maybe it is genetic? can stress be genetic?

[QUOTE=PredGD;49464318]I'll definitely try mindfulness meditation in the future as well, much shorter too. lots of good advice you had, I'm sure it'll be a better experience next time! regarding ADHD, I've never suspected it mostly because of the questions you asked. I don't think my energy levels are unusual (or maybe they are, I have a lot of energy when I'm not depressed and constantly need something to do. as I've written in the past, I quickly get depressed, restless, stressed and so on as soon as I'm not doing anything), I'm not easy to piss off (though when I first do get pissed off, it's always beyond the point of no return. I have very little control over my anger once it sets in, but it happens rarely) and I feel like I'm pretty good at expressing emotions. or the last one might be a lie, I feel like I often say stuff that I think is correct but I'm not really able to really read my emotions, its mostly just guessing based on the little I do know about my emotions. then again, I think stress might be a big factor here as well. my mind is constantly racing about problems I might have, I rarely get a minute of pause from them.[/QUOTE] I should not should not should not make any sort of diagnosis and feel I'm stepping far out of the bounds of the advice-focus of this thread but That's a lot of what I had. The anger especially- very rarely angry, but once I do get mad its very hard for me to suppress what feels like pure primal rage and a desire to do harm. Medication stopped that, thankfully. This is common in ADHD, has to do with the role of the dopaminegenic system in controlling impulses. Anger is an impulse, like attention, stimulation, and the like, and when this system is functioning incorrectly anger is expressed unhealthily or builds until it overloads, apparently. Same thing with emotions for me, I don't feel like I'm emotionally dead but feel like I experience fewer individual emotions. Don't feel a lot of variation either, and I have a terribly hard time quantifiying what emotion it is I'm feeling. Happy, angry, nervous, sad are easy. Melancholy, angst, jubilant, excited, and all those other subtle variations? no damn idea. The thing for me though, with ADHD, is that I just don't think about those problems until they are immediate. I fret about the far far future, and each test failure makes me thing I've ruined my entire life ofc. But otherwise my mind has two periods- now and not-now. Not now is nebulous and uncertain and most things go into it. When HW or a test comes into my now period it becomes HOLY FUCK SHIT I HAVE SO MUCH STUDYING AND HW TO DO but otherwise it doesn't even register. This is more of me expressing my experiences to see if you note any other commonalities, but lots of things can present with symptoms akin to ADHD. BPD is one, and as mentioned anxiety and stress can do it too. At this point I'd just say its worth talking to your psych about, if at the least to ease any worries you may have. [editline]5th January 2016[/editline] predilection to anxiety and stress can be genetic, I believe. GAD is genetic a lot of the time.

[QUOTE=paindoc;49464397]I should not should not should not make any sort of diagnosis and feel I'm stepping far out of the bounds of the advice-focus of this thread but That's a lot of what I had. The anger especially- very rarely angry, but once I do get mad its very hard for me to suppress what feels like pure primal rage and a desire to do harm. Medication stopped that, thankfully. This is common in ADHD, has to do with the role of the dopaminegenic system in controlling impulses. Anger is an impulse, like attention, stimulation, and the like, and when this system is functioning incorrectly anger is expressed unhealthily or builds until it overloads, apparently. Same thing with emotions for me, I don't feel like I'm emotionally dead but feel like I experience fewer individual emotions. Don't feel a lot of variation either, and I have a terribly hard time quantifiying what emotion it is I'm feeling. Happy, angry, nervous, sad are easy. Melancholy, angst, jubilant, excited, and all those other subtle variations? no damn idea. The thing for me though, with ADHD, is that I just don't think about those problems until they are immediate. I fret about the far far future, and each test failure makes me thing I've ruined my entire life ofc. But otherwise my mind has two periods- now and not-now. Not now is nebulous and uncertain and most things go into it. When HW or a test comes into my now period it becomes HOLY FUCK SHIT I HAVE SO MUCH STUDYING AND HW TO DO but otherwise it doesn't even register. This is more of me expressing my experiences to see if you note any other commonalities, but lots of things can present with symptoms akin to ADHD. BPD is one, and as mentioned anxiety and stress can do it too. At this point I'd just say its worth talking to your psych about, if at the least to ease any worries you may have. [editline]5th January 2016[/editline] predilection to anxiety and stress can be genetic, I believe. GAD is genetic a lot of the time.[/QUOTE] I really appreciate the posts you've written! I think this is the most useful help I've ever received in here that I feel actually can be used to figure out what's wrong with me. I don't believe ADHD is my correct diagnosis at the moment, but everything you've mentioned and what I've learnt from the posts here today have given me some pointers that I feel I should mention to my psychologist. right now I have a few suspects which I want to bring up. borderline personality disorder, my previous psychologist said it was likely I had it but she suddenly dropped it at some point. ADHD seems like a possible suspect as well judging from what I've read today. constant stress could too be something. I imagine some severe anxiety could be the reason as well, but I don't really feel that anxious, I think. it's hard for me to really tell. stress and anxiety runs in the family at least. all of these things seem a lot more fitting than my current schizophrenia diagnosis (well, not really current anymore since it was pulled back since I'm apparently a hardcore drug addict), but it can't be all of them. now that I have a few things to mention, my psychologist will be able to dig for the right answers as well so hopefully I'll get more out of my sessions

Alright, the plan is now official. Once I reach my early 30's and i'm still alone. I will end it. I am considered boring by societies standards. I like who I am, I enjoy my life but i'll hit a point where it all doesn't matter anymore because I can't move onto part 2. Part 2 contains love, marriage, kids and whatever after. I am boring, awkward, have horrible social anxiety, have depression, etc. I am going to try and fix some of these things but if it all doesn't work in the end, then.. that's the end. I don't want to live the rest of my life miserable by being full of nothing but emotional pain. That could never be removed. There is no way to enjoy all other aspects of life when you're like this, no matter how hard you try.

I'm at work and I don't know what to do I can't take anymore of this job, I want to kill myself, I'm having a migraine and an anxiety attack at the same time. I'm sitting in the bathroom crying and I don't know what the fuck to do. I can't handle this anymore. I want to quit so bad.

[QUOTE=Mister Sandman;49467129]I'm at work and I don't know what to do I can't take anymore of this job, I want to kill myself, I'm having a migraine and an anxiety attack at the same time. I'm sitting in the bathroom crying and I don't know what the fuck to do. I can't handle this anymore. I want to quit so bad.[/QUOTE] Please book an appointment with your doctor to discus this if at all possible. I do not know about the US, but in the UK the employer had a duty to ensure your health, safety AND wellfare at work. This is threatening your health and wellbeing.

incredibly stressed over school shit again, especially since it's happening with other bad stuff in my life gotta look for a new school in a few months after I dropped out of the two last ones and I still have zero idea what I want to do this will probably be my last chance as well since past 25 the government doesn't force you to seek education if you're jobless and i'll be 25 in two years. without being forced I probably won't bother anymore I even took this year long course that was supposed to focus on finding an interesting subject or profession to study but it's been completely fucking useless so far even if I go to some shitty vocational school again I'll be there, six or seven years older than everyone else as the freak of the class. I generally have no trouble with theoretical classes even if I'm shit at almost every subject, but when it comes to practical application I just stop showing up at school since it's so stressful and terrible I just wish I had an excuse like not affording education or something so I could quit it all and work shitty part time jobs for as long as I tolerate it, I've never done well in school and I've always hated it

[QUOTE=Episode;49466509] it all doesn't matter anymore because I can't move onto part 2. Part 2 contains love, marriage, kids and whatever after.[/QUOTE] My take on this is: Life dosen't have to be marriage/kids. If I never get a girlfriend/wife (which I highly doubt I will.) I'm going to spend my life traveling to every country and taking in all the sights I can.

[QUOTE=Zezibesh;49467454]incredibly stressed over school shit again, especially since it's happening with other bad stuff in my life gotta look for a new school in a few months after I dropped out of the two last ones and I still have zero idea what I want to do this will probably be my last chance as well since past 25 the government doesn't force you to seek education if you're jobless and i'll be 25 in two years. without being forced I probably won't bother anymore I even took this year long course that was supposed to focus on finding an interesting subject or profession to study but it's been completely fucking useless so far even if I go to some shitty vocational school again I'll be there, six or seven years older than everyone else as the freak of the class. I generally have no trouble with theoretical classes even if I'm shit at almost every subject, but when it comes to practical application I just stop showing up at school since it's so stressful and terrible I just wish I had an excuse like not affording education or something so I could quit it all and work shitty part time jobs for as long as I tolerate it, I've never done well in school and I've always hated it[/QUOTE] You're young and don't have to hurry. Before retirement age you could easily have two or three different careers. Just take your time to deal the other bad stuff and looking for an new school. How about adult education? [URL="http://www.aikuis-koulutus.fi/Aikuiskoulutus__d3115.html"]http://www.aikuis-koulutus.fi/Aikuiskoulutus__d3115.html[/URL] There is special teachers who are able to support you to go over your fears.

I talked to my mom. She's worked in dozens of different retail style jobs and entry level jobs, so she's the best sense of scale for this stuff I can possibly get. She told me she considers stocking to be one of the shittiest ones, which is why it pays better than some, but the work is extraordinarily hard. She advised that instead, I work in a call center or as tech support. She said they're all over, and it would mostly be boring and I'd have to deal with stupid customers, but I would get to sit down all day and probably get paid more anyway. I think what I'm going to do is quit my job and start applying for call centers or tech support. I know it's generally best to leave your job once you've already got a new one, but this place, it's too fucking much. It's just too much. I don't even get employee benefits which was one of the reasons I took the job. I can't even get the 10 percent discount thing until 90 days after I've started working. And, fucking christ, the idea of working there for almost 3 entire months, absolutely not.

[QUOTE=Cha;49467806]You're young and don't have to hurry. Before retirement age you could easily have two or three different careers. Just take your time to deal the other bad stuff and looking for an new school. How about adult education? [URL="http://www.aikuis-koulutus.fi/Aikuiskoulutus__d3115.html"]http://www.aikuis-koulutus.fi/Aikuiskoulutus__d3115.html[/URL] There is special teachers who are able to support you to go over your fears.[/QUOTE] I have been in adult education, the issue there was that the teachers didn't give a shit so at some point I stopped signing up for courses and no one noticed I hate anything and everything to do with school but to have a chance at a decent life you have to get educated in something so I hardly have a choice if I had something that I wanted to study it might be different but I haven't managed to find that yet after trying out a fair amount of things feels like i'm making excuses at this point

its so easy to send me down into a depressive pit these days. its putting such a large amount of stress on me to help people around me with their issues again. the girl who I consider to be my closest friend right now has a tendency to talk a lot of problems, twist words around, and constantly be depressed. she seems to make no effort to get better and instead embraces it which is pretty taxing on me since I get to hear all of this. one thing is to hear about problems and provide help which they acknowledge, but when someone has a lot of issues, gets short, aggressive, targets you, doesn't even acknowledge the help you try to give and so on, it gets incredibly stressful. its easy to feel like I'm the problem when she doesn't even acknowledge the help I try to give and is incredibly short with me. a typical conversation between us when she's feeling down could go like this (and she's always feeling down it feels like) her: Whatsup me: Doing whatever I'm doing right now, relatively bored, how about you? :) her: Nothing it's not possible to keep the conversation alive since she's so short, but at the same time she does seek contact. there's so much negativity surrounding her and its exhausting. I'm constantly feeling unwell since I know she is feeling terrible, but all the help I try to give is deflected which makes me feel like I'm making things worse, that our relation is bad. its so typical of her to complain about completely trivial things, like being hungry, so all I used to say was that she should probably get herself some food, but then she just answers with a thumbs up or "can't be bothered.". this goes for pretty much everything really. now I've just begun saying "hmm :(" since I know she won't take take anything I say anyway and I'd rather save myself the pain it causes myself when she just ignores my advice and is short. another thing which is really stressing for me is that she never directly asks for something. she never asks if I want to hang out with her, that she wants to come over to my place, that she wants company since she's down, she just indirectly hints at it instead and gives me the task of reading the signs to reach the conclusion she wants. two days ago for example, she sent me a message saying she was meeting someone at that time. I just said that's cool, but then she says "but that means I have to be alone in town for an hour :/". knowing her, she wants me to offer myself to her but I can never really know 100%. I already overthink enough to begin with, it really doesn't help that I need to read someones mind on top of that. these situations happen pretty much every day, or at least several times every week. she tells me that I seem to be the only one who cares about her, and I have a pretty good idea of why that is. she has exhausted everyone else so they can't be bothered anymore, and I'm probably the only one with the patience and lack of self respect to sit in all of this, continuing to tear down my own psychological well being to ensure that she knows she has someone. I have to be so careful with everything I say too so speaking with her quickly becomes a chore. if I lax up for a few seconds and make a joke, she'll just get angry at me. I'm considering to be straight forward to her and tell her that the way she acts is really fucking up my well being and that there needs to be a change. either I cut her out or she actually makes that change [editline]6th January 2016[/editline] at the same time, I really do wanna help her and just sit through with this! I know how awful it can be to just see darkness so I want to help her, be that person I never had during my time in isolation when I needed someone to support myself on the most. unfortunately I have a limit which has gotten more and more visible lately. I feel like I need to make a choice soon, do I take the risk to fuck up my own head again to help her, or do I cut her off and make sure I get better? [editline]6th January 2016[/editline] and then another friend of mine enjoys to pull me into her drama with others against people I have very little against so I feel like I need to pick sides and so on waahhahahha [editline]6th January 2016[/editline] social stuff is incredibly tiring, people are everywhere. I thought I was fucked in the head but most of my friends easily surpass me