Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

why are my feelings doing this to me. why am I always looking for reasons for people to hate me, ditch me, dislike me and so on. an hour ago aprox. I sent the girl I posted about above a message, asking whats up and how she was feeling. she answered a few minutes later, which is normal, but she only answered how she was feeling. she was surprisingly positive too, so I said it was great that she was feeling better. I sent another message a few minutes later asking if she was intending to stay awake all night still since she said that earlier and asked if she wanted to join me on that since I was feeling lonely and wanted company. she answered and said that it would be a little difficult when thinking of the place she lives and that she had a few tasks for the night, but that she'd gladly come tomorrow. yeah sure, that's alright. I didn't think that much of it. fast forward to now, the thoughts are coming. she was suddenly surprisingly positive, where did that come from? its over an hour ago since she was active on facebook, thats somewhat unusual when she's just home. she never replied to what she was doing either, what is she doing? she had told me earlier in the day that she didn't have the energy to meet and had a few things to do at home so it was better if she stayed at home that day, okay, but my over thinking seems to have reached the conclusion that she found someone else to be with today. that's fine, but I can't help but feel ditched? lied to? I don't have any facts to back this up with so it'd be very, very wrong to act on any of this, I probably shouldn't be feeling it anyway since I've reached this conclusion through thinking in my head. for all I know, she might just be watching TV and haven't reached for her phone in a while. its so incredibly annoying that I'm constantly looking for negative signs. even if I were ditched, even if I were right, why can't I just think "fuck it" and accept it? these thoughts are literally embarrassing for me since who is as obsessed as this over social relations? I can't help but feel that I'm not that important to my friends, that people find me boring, that I'm not a good friend, that they don't want to spend time with me and so on. I need constant reassurance that people enjoy being with me but that's not always possible. my thoughts are annoying [editline]6th January 2016[/editline] how do I shut my brain off [editline]6th January 2016[/editline] I'm so restless, I haven't done shit all day. its too late to ask people to meet too. my way of turning off thoughts and coping is the social stuff, how do I shut my brain off without that? I'm spiraling down into a chaos of over analyzing and finding negative shit that isn't even there. I need to shut my brain off, I can't live with thoughts racing every second

someone please help, i feel unsafe

[QUOTE=Episode;49466509]Alright, the plan is now official. Once I reach my early 30's and i'm still alone. I will end it. I am considered boring by societies standards. I like who I am, I enjoy my life but i'll hit a point where it all doesn't matter anymore because I can't move onto part 2. Part 2 contains love, marriage, kids and whatever after. I am boring, awkward, have horrible social anxiety, have depression, etc. I am going to try and fix some of these things but if it all doesn't work in the end, then.. that's the end. I don't want to live the rest of my life miserable by being full of nothing but emotional pain. That could never be removed. There is no way to enjoy all other aspects of life when you're like this, no matter how hard you try.[/QUOTE] I always feel a pang of hurt when someone talks like this. You say you enjoy life, but are planning your own misery by defining happiness in terms of some predetermined vision. The fact is that happiness takes commitment to always trying to improve. It does not require you to be an extrovert or to be some abstract image of perfect but does require you to be resiliant. It is never handed to anyone. It can be hard. Sometimes harder than you ever imagined and never what you expected. If you want to be pleased with your life at 30, then take a moment to list some things that make YOU, an individual, a person YOU will value. Not values based on what you have, but based on what you can offer. Use those values to guide your decisions and remember that small things count. If you have made a wrong turn then correct it. The path is uneven, twisted, unknown but filled with options and small changes count. Practice random acts of kindness, beginning with yourself.

[QUOTE=Qaus;49470687]someone please help, i feel unsafe[/QUOTE] How so and how do you need help? If you need to get out of house for the day do so. How urgent is it? Now I'm worried :o I'm in Bothell for the afternoon (commute 1hr for one class whee) but let me know if I can help somehow, idk if our vague proximity makes a difference

My friend I planned to move in with, has gone distant, removed any form of contact with me, and left me with this message: "I will talk to you in time." Haven't spoken to her since new years. According to other friends, she's distant with them too, acting "peeved" about/towards me whenever I come up as a subject. I can tell that the "peeved" attitude towards me is my friend masking her own depression. She gets frusterated at simple human mistakes I make, a lot. And I try to improve myself as a person. For her, but also for myself because not everything revoles around her. Yet she thinks I'm "obsessed" with her. Thinks I should establish my own independence; which I have been to the best of my ability. I feel like my "Friends" as close as I was with them, they don't truly appreciate how far I've come in improving myself, wheras most people don't even care to fix themselves for anyone. They've always viewed me as "the little stupid-brain-dead sister". I almost feel like I served the role of the "punching bag" Now that I look back on it I'm not even sure if the pros outweighted the cons. I still have a sliver of hope that they'll come to and realize I was being a drunk idiot, and that something like that shouldn't tear the friendship to shreds. (And that, as usual, they were being much too harsh on me for a human mistake) I forgive myself, I still feel a little bad that I made my friend as upset as I made her, but I forgive myself. (That's not gonna stop me from giving her a proper apology once she un-blocks me though.) My friend though, she's genuinley poured out her heart to me many times, part of her issue is that she has anger issues, and always feels terrible about them afterwards. Including anger towards me over simple human mistakes I make. [editline]7th January 2016[/editline] This is why I still feel a little bit sad that she's still upset over it. I'll give her another week or two to adjust herself and then I'll try to reach out and tell her "its ok."

wish anxiety wouldn't drive me to crippling fits of mental agony been feeling pretty okay these past few days though [editline]7th January 2016[/editline] also is it possible to long for death without being depressed

I hate being the emotionally sensitive un-masculine pussy in this shitty rural hellhole of close minded retards. If you suck at playing football and sports in general then say good-fucking bye to being normal basically lol. Sorry had to get it off my chest

Woke up to the sound of mom and lil bro arguing. Ofcourse I came up in the discussion and I heard mom talking about how I need to move out soon and shit or start paying rent, how by the age of 20 you shouldn't expect to just live off of your parents and have them do everything for you. Then as I was sitting in bed mom came in the room and because I was looking tired, asked me if I had abstinence... I asked "from what?" and she answered "I dunno, alcohol, snus?". She thinks I'm an alcoholic. She's tired of me, as am I. I go back to Loftsdalen to work at the end of this month, but that life is not for me and I'll be glad when it's over in april. This life isn't for me either, but I don't know what to do. Life just isn't my thing, I'm terrible at it.

I've been forcing myself out of bed the last couple days and forcing myself to go out and see friends I've been having mild fun I guess and it's okay but as soon as I get home and I'm no longer distracted I'm right back to being the sad lonely piece of shit Is this worrisome behaviour? That im only happy when distracted or asleep? I have the joy of painting on when I sleep just so I don't have negative thoughts

[QUOTE=Zezibesh;49467936]I have been in adult education, the issue there was that the teachers didn't give a shit so at some point I stopped signing up for courses and no one noticed[/QUOTE] I'm sorry to hear your bad experiences now and earlier. I wish it won't make you give up. I believe there are at least some teachers/faculty members who care about students.

[QUOTE=Dick Slamfist;49477869]I've been forcing myself out of bed the last couple days and forcing myself to go out and see friends I've been having mild fun I guess and it's okay but as soon as I get home and I'm no longer distracted I'm right back to being the sad lonely piece of shit Is this worrisome behaviour? That im only happy when distracted or asleep? I have the joy of painting on when I sleep just so I don't have negative thoughts[/QUOTE]I'm the same way, but even sleep isn't enjoyable any more. It used to be a sort of emotional hard reset but now I always wake up feeling the same way I felt going to sleep. Which is usually quite bad. Yes, it is worrisome behavior.

So I've realized I've got a pretty massive ego complex. No idea what to do about it, tbh. Seems directly linked to my sexual prowress (or lack of it, to be more accurate) and it directly affects my mood and habits. I rollercoast between thinking I'm hot shit, down to thinking I'm bottom of the barrel. Anybody ever successfully come back from it? Found comfort in being absolutely average? The idea itself is ironically comforting but an hour later I'm back in my old thought process where I'm blowing smoke up my own ass for hours only to crash later when I inevitably realize I'm less than average, only to reverse and start blowing smoke again Regardless of where I really stand compared to everyone else, I just don't like thinking like this anymore. CBT it is I guess. Too bad I need to build the discipline to properly commit to it, anyway Brains are hard, man

My sister passed away recently, and I've not been in the best mental state. I've had severe clinical depression ~diagnosed~ for well over a year now, where I've been on many different medications. I'm now on 30mg of Mirtazapine, which I believe is the same medication Robin Williams was on... doesn't sound too effective!

[QUOTE=Lord Xenoyia;49478425]My sister passed away recently, and I've not been in the best mental state. I've had severe clinical depression ~diagnosed~ for well over a year now, where I've been on many different medications. I'm now on 30mg of Mirtazapine, which I believe is the same medication Robin Williams was on... doesn't sound too effective![/QUOTE] sorry for your loss :(

[QUOTE=MrJazzy;49477388]Woke up to the sound of mom and lil bro arguing. Ofcourse I came up in the discussion and I heard mom talking about how I need to move out soon and shit or start paying rent, how by the age of 20 you shouldn't expect to just live off of your parents and have them do everything for you. Then as I was sitting in bed mom came in the room and because I was looking tired, asked me if I had abstinence... I asked "from what?" and she answered "I dunno, alcohol, snus?". She thinks I'm an alcoholic. She's tired of me, as am I. I go back to Loftsdalen to work at the end of this month, but that life is not for me and I'll be glad when it's over in april. This life isn't for me either, but I don't know what to do. Life just isn't my thing, I'm terrible at it.[/QUOTE] It's hard finding what to do in life and what to chase. Sometimes it helps to just pick a path and start walking it. Have you read The War of Art? If you want to do music stuff as a possible career that is really worth a read for your situation. Otherwise, it's tough. I don't mean to sound like a hippy, but have you thought about trying to get into a nearly meditative state and just sorta ease through this? That's what I do when I need to do careful thinking or relax but don't want to just let thoughts go. Put on some relaxing/ambient music, do the meditative breathing thing, and just chill and think it all out. [editline]7th January 2016[/editline] If you think you could write about production for extra dosh ($30/2k word article) bassgorilla is still accepting applications for writers and Luke is fun to work with. And it'd be fun having a cowriter instead of just me :v

Went out to the doctor Told me I had a mild case of depression Got a represcription of some pills and am hopefully going to start making things better for me

I hate wasting time. I am so impatient. I want to start making money now. I am desperate. I have no motivation to draw, no motivation to play VIDEO GAMES on steam, no motivation to daydream, I am so tired of all of this stuff. It's become a chore to distract myself. I can lay down and TRY to sleep, but I only fall asleep for a little while and then I just sit there, not knowing what to do. I've got no real local friends I can hang out with. Subway hasn't called me back yet, it's been two days since I walked in there and the guy said "we'll call and shedule an interview." If I don't get a job in a month, by February/March I'm packing a backpack and fleeing out west to where its warmer. Probably going to kill myself there. I refuse to sit here broke off my ass, not even making any progress in life. I've put so much input and effort into starting my life, and I can't even get started because this economy is so fucking retarded. My friend that I got into an argument with on new years, the one I was supposed to move in with; I'm not even upset at her or sad she dosen't like me anymore I just feel sorry for her at this point. She's being "snarky" and rude towards me, I sent her a snapchat because I was playing fallout 4 and I made a funny character, she replied with a snapchat story seconds later of the fallout intro and a text that said "Do u kno what makes u S.P.E.C.I.A.L?" (which was meant to be an underhanded jab at me, she always calls me stupid and dumb and brain dead and "special".) Typically [I]whenever she's massivley depressed herself [/I]she takes out her anger on my human flaws/small mistakes I make. And when I make big ones, she gives me absolute hell for them. It has been a week since I've talked to her, and honestly I'm gonna give it another week and a half and then [I]I'm gonna try to reach out to her, because if she's this fucking upset over it she needs help. I don't care if she calls me stupid or brain dead anymore. I know I'm not.[/I] This whole "break" thing she's doing is an issue over pride. It's honestly so stupid. Life is short. Stop holding fucking grudges.

For all of you guys talking about work and all, I feel like I'm going to piss off you guys with this, so I apologize beforehand. I finally got a job here, which pays $11/hr with a chance to goto $14/hr within 3 months. This happened because I went into a local job program through voc rehab, and instead of the standard fill out five hundred apps and pray someone calls me, I instead took a four hour internship and busted my ass to prove I was worth hiring. From what I was told by the guy who hired me, I actually left a really, really good impression with my boss because they were stunned that I was able to do the job that needed to be done within about 1/4th the time that it would have taken other people to complete said job. The thing is though, even with this amazing job opportunity... I still feel like I have gotten nowhere. Call me pessimistic, but I feel like I have taken more steps backwards more then anything, and even though I'm leaving good impressions within the North Dakota job community, I feel like I have been slowly chipping away at any meaningful possibilities of happiness. It just feels like I'm trying to put on something for show. Not anything meaningful or worthwhile.

[QUOTE=JoeSkylynx;49480729]For all of you guys talking about work and all, I feel like I'm going to piss off you guys with this, so I apologize beforehand. I finally got a job here, which pays $11/hr with a chance to goto $14/hr within 3 months. This happened because I went into a local job program through voc rehab, and instead of the standard fill out five hundred apps and pray someone calls me, I instead took a four hour internship and busted my ass to prove I was worth hiring. From what I was told by the guy who hired me, I actually left a really, really good impression with my boss because they were stunned that I was able to do the job that needed to be done within about 1/4th the time that it would have taken other people to complete said job. The thing is though, even with this amazing job opportunity... I still feel like I have gotten nowhere. Call me pessimistic, but I feel like I have taken more steps backwards more then anything, and even though I'm leaving good impressions within the North Dakota job community, I feel like I have been slowly chipping away at any meaningful possibilities of happiness. It just feels like I'm trying to put on something for show. Not anything meaningful or worthwhile.[/QUOTE] No, don't be sorry, it's refreshing to hear that there are people getting hired. You'll start feeling like you're making progress as you see money start to pool up.

[QUOTE=paindoc;49470847]How so and how do you need help? If you need to get out of house for the day do so. How urgent is it? Now I'm worried :o I'm in Bothell for the afternoon (commute 1hr for one class whee) but let me know if I can help somehow, idk if our vague proximity makes a difference[/QUOTE] Not very urgent apparently. I did have a terrible panic attack yesterday, but hardly remember anything that happened. I don't even remember making that post. I feel fine now though.

Been feeling hideously cluttered in my tiny room at my parent's house lately. Feeling such a strong urge to move out but not being able to is the literal worst. So I'm sort of alleviating it by buying storage bins and putting some stuff away for when I AM moved out and have more room to have more things out. Hoping it'll help with my feeling of clutter and the depression that comes from not having enough of my own space. Also got a little whiteboard calendar to help me keep track of important due dates and stuff. It helps.

[QUOTE=diobono;49329286]I automatically think "i should just fucking kill myself" whenever the slightest thing goes wrong lol. It's become embedded in my brain or something[/QUOTE] Quoting this because despite mood stabilizing meds, this is basically what it's like. Maybe sometime I'll actually go into detail instead of quoting others, maybe talk about my awful inpatient experience. vOv Probably not though since it was hard enough just to do a quote and work up the courage to hit post quick reply

[QUOTE=healthpoint;49440115]Is it possible to force yourself to fall out of love? I'd rather go back to not feeling anything, since my depression/mood swings/whatever has only gotten worse after I fell in love with this girl I've been seeing.[/QUOTE] Well this solved itself. She doesn't wanna see me anymore. Now I just gotta get back to feeling nothing about anything

So I've come to terms that I get horrible anxiety when I open emails. Not responding to the email itself, but opening it. I'm not sure how to overcome it. [editline]8th January 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Pascall;49480954]Been feeling hideously cluttered in my tiny room at my parent's house lately. Feeling such a strong urge to move out but not being able to is the literal worst. So I'm sort of alleviating it by buying storage bins and putting some stuff away for when I AM moved out and have more room to have more things out. Hoping it'll help with my feeling of clutter and the depression that comes from not having enough of my own space. Also got a little whiteboard calendar to help me keep track of important due dates and stuff. It helps.[/QUOTE] It might sound dumb, but have you ever tried going through your stuff? Like one object by one, and decide what to keep. You get a little pile of trash at the end, which feels productive to throw out.

Yeah, I do that regularly, actually. I have to, otherwise I start feeling like a hoarder.

I'm getting really sick of tricking myself into thinking I'm happy and then when I get home and I'm in bed I'm miserable thank you bob ross for always being there to distract me

Applying for a job. Hopefully I can save up the cash to move as far away from here as possible. I'm thinking New Mexico.

[QUOTE=Dick Slamfist;49482953]I'm getting really sick of tricking myself into thinking I'm happy and then when I get home and I'm in bed I'm miserable [/QUOTE] That was basically me a few years ago. Although i managed to trick myself so well into thinking im happy, that i actually convinced myself i am truly happy. And it massively boosted my confidence which made me even happier.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49470218]I'm so restless, I haven't done shit all day. its too late to ask people to meet too. my way of turning off thoughts and coping is the social stuff, how do I shut my brain off without that? I'm spiraling down into a chaos of over analyzing and finding negative shit that isn't even there. I need to shut my brain off, I can't live with thoughts racing every second[/QUOTE] You're miserable not because of your thoughts, but because of how you feel about your thoughts. Sometimes we expect things to go wrong because we're conditioned by previous patterns that things usually do go wrong. We have to remember that this is a matter of perspective, if you expect an experience to go badly, you will react badly because the memories of your ongoing experience tries to find another pattern of things going wrong. Repeating affirmation and reassurance usually doesn't work because the low self-esteem person knows that it is what it is. [editline]8th January 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=IJNOMED;49480074]I hate wasting time. I am so impatient. I want to start making money now. I am desperate. I have no motivation to draw, no motivation to play VIDEO GAMES on steam, no motivation to daydream, I am so tired of all of this stuff. It's become a chore to distract myself. I can lay down and TRY to sleep, but I only fall asleep for a little while and then I just sit there, not knowing what to do. I've got no real local friends I can hang out with. Subway hasn't called me back yet, it's been two days since I walked in there and the guy said "we'll call and shedule an interview." If I don't get a job in a month, by February/March I'm packing a backpack and fleeing out west to where its warmer. Probably going to kill myself there. I refuse to sit here broke off my ass, not even making any progress in life. I've put so much input and effort into starting my life, and I can't even get started because this economy is so fucking retarded. [/QUOTE] I'd say it would be some progress to your life if you had the time to just sit down and contemplate what would bring you peace in the current moment. Life quality doesn't depend on monetary acquisitions. [QUOTE=IJNOMED;49480074]My friend that I got into an argument with on new years, the one I was supposed to move in with; I'm not even upset at her or sad she dosen't like me anymore I just feel sorry for her at this point. She's being "snarky" and rude towards me, I sent her a snapchat because I was playing fallout 4 and I made a funny character, she replied with a snapchat story seconds later of the fallout intro and a text that said "Do u kno what makes u S.P.E.C.I.A.L?" (which was meant to be an underhanded jab at me, she always calls me stupid and dumb and brain dead and "special".) Typically [I]whenever she's massivley depressed herself [/I]she takes out her anger on my human flaws/small mistakes I make. And when I make big ones, she gives me absolute hell for them. It has been a week since I've talked to her, and honestly I'm gonna give it another week and a half and then [I]I'm gonna try to reach out to her, because if she's this fucking upset over it she needs help. I don't care if she calls me stupid or brain dead anymore. I know I'm not.[/I] This whole "break" thing she's doing is an issue over pride. It's honestly so stupid. Life is short. Stop holding fucking grudges.[/QUOTE] Her level of attraction for you is falling because you let her walk all over you. You need to communicate that this is not okay behavior and distance yourself until she understands that you mean business. The strongest negotiating position is to be able to walk away, and never look back. People will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. Being assertive and strong like this creates attraction.

just got a snap from the girl I've posted about a fair amount lately of some alcohol and the caption "finally weekend". this destroys me for some reason, it makes me very upset and I know my feelings are clearly in the wrong here. I'm not sure why I'm feeling jealousy and negativity, but I assume it's because I've felt there has been some tension between us the past few days and she didn't even bother to invite me to wherever she is having fun. maybe I'm feeling left behind and abandoned, replaced like a spare part? either way, I know I shouldn't feel this way at all. I know that what I'm feeling is what commonly destroys any form of relation, be it friends or something more. just gotta bury it deep and deal with it I suppose.