Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Solodris;49484779] Her level of attraction for you is falling because you let her walk all over you. You need to communicate that this is not okay behavior and distance yourself until she understands that you mean business. The strongest negotiating position is to be able to walk away, and never look back. People will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. Being assertive and strong like this creates attraction.[/QUOTE] I don't even know if she's attracted to me though, I'm almost 80% sure shes straight. There have been times where I think she's bi or not sure, she's VERY good at hiding it and isn't open with saying any feelings she might have, this is most likely because she doesn't have any feelings beyond our weird friendship we have. Before, me and her were super close friends, it was not just your ordinary "best friends" situation, but it wasn't a relationship either. It was like this weird partnership. Not even sure what to call it at this point. TBH she's very confusing.

it frustrates me that I'm not able to control myself more than I currently can. it sort of makes sense in my head that a person should be able to fully control themselves, but we're not able to do that which isn't "worrying", but does contribute to my feeling that I lack control of the things I want control of in my life. its odd. I feel like I have zero control over anything and that I'm free falling. frustrating feeling as I need overview and control of things that matter to me to ensure I have stability. not possible though, and if I try I'll damage relations and most likely destroy them completely.

I'm tired. My mom has been through 3 operations yet she's still having heart and breathing problems. I help her with anything and everything I can but her constant moans, her talks about how she hasn't long to live grate heavily on my mind. I love her with all my heart and it hurts to see her like this. How can doctors be so incompetent? I mean, 3 fucking operations? Over here, in Lithuania, doctors are also running this campaign where the main slogan is "The best thank you for us is your smile" And it's such sickening bullshit. Throughout all of my mother operations, she's had several doctors asking her for money. It doesn't help that my father passed away while I was still young, my mom's all I got. I apologize if I sound retarded on whatever, I just needed to vent.

okay, I'm pretty sure I'm the text book definition of a control freak. I thought it was a "temporary" thing back when I was with my ex since life was shit, but I'm noticing that it's happening with nearly all of my social relations even today. I remember the outcome of me actually acting upon my need to control and that ended up in complete isolation and losing the girl I loved the most. is this a thing that is ingrained into my personality or is it something that can be "untaught"? I have strong urges to control and dominate, but I know how damaging it would be for my relations if I were to act on them. I want this gone

[QUOTE=Qaus;49480824]Not very urgent apparently. I did have a terrible panic attack yesterday, but hardly remember anything that happened. I don't even remember making that post. I feel fine now though.[/QUOTE] Okay, good to hear. Panic attacks suck, and the weirdness of not remembering the majority of it always psyched me out. Anyone here done reading into adult attachment theory? I've been doing a ton of reading on it mostly out of interest. It helps me to understand how things work so I can take them apart and fix them, so I was trying to figure out why I am the way I am when it comes to relationships and that helped a lot. I think I'm nearly entirely fearful-avoidant, but that's fine because now I know where I'm headed.

[QUOTE=Dick Slamfist;49478680]Went out to the doctor Told me I had a mild case of depression Got a represcription of some pills and am hopefully going to start making things better for me[/QUOTE] What perscription? I got depression, not sure if I want to start on meds or not.

[QUOTE=paindoc;49486230]Okay, good to hear. Panic attacks suck, and the weirdness of not remembering the majority of it always psyched me out. Anyone here done reading into adult attachment theory? I've been doing a ton of reading on it mostly out of interest. It helps me to understand how things work so I can take them apart and fix them, so I was trying to figure out why I am the way I am when it comes to relationships and that helped a lot. I think I'm nearly entirely fearful-avoidant, but that's fine because now I know where I'm headed.[/QUOTE] I have. I was disorganized.

Whatever I guess I need to give up whatever small hope I had that she still cared about me. She doesn't anymore. This fucking blows. Now I know for certain I am absolutely alone.

I don't know what I want to do. I just can't win. Everything I do is a complete and a utter failure. From idea that other people have already thought of, to my inability to learn basic concepts and come up with original ideas. I can't remember things properly, can't take in information. I'm fucking stupid and the best I can hope for is to aspire to be of average intelligence. What's the point in existing if you can't be the person you want to be? People keep saying, you have to like yourself, well how are you meant to like yourself when you're a complete failure at everything no how much effort or hard work you do? Why can't I just succeed, be right or do something right for once, just fucking once.

I fucking hate education, most of the people in education, most of the professors in education, the structure of education, the processes involved in education, the lifestyle around education and yet despite only having 4 more months left of this bollocks I've never been as miserable as I am now. Kill me.

How do I stop feeling like a worthless piece of shit whenever my girlfriend says something and I'm not paying enough attention to fully comprehend? I know that I shouldn't do it but sometimes I just get distracted by something and I miss some key piece of information, and she [I]never[/I] repeats herself, and she asks me for help a lot. How do I avoid ruining the rest of the evening whenever this happens?

Been a week officially since the ex told me never to contact her, still feeling and feeling from that shittiness It's starting to get a little easier but I still can't make nights easy I don't know what to do with all the old letters she used to write me On one hand I want to get rid of a of them like I did her photos but I worry I'll regret it

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49492444]I don't know what I want to do. I just can't win. Everything I do is a complete and a utter failure. From idea that other people have already thought of, to my inability to learn basic concepts and come up with original ideas. I can't remember things properly, can't take in information. I'm fucking stupid and the best I can hope for is to aspire to be of average intelligence. What's the point in existing if you can't be the person you want to be? People keep saying, you have to like yourself, well how are you meant to like yourself when you're a complete failure at everything no how much effort or hard work you do? Why can't I just succeed, be right or do something right for once, just fucking once.[/QUOTE] Imo the most important thing is to recognize our thoughts and feelings what we think of being right and true to ourselves. If you're capable of writing fluent English as you do, you can learn basic concepts as well. :smile: Why do you believe that you can't learn?

fine okay, I can't do much with being depressed and down, but how do I get temporary relief from it? I need a break from it. I can't take it right now. [editline]10th January 2016[/editline] fuck I hate life [editline]10th January 2016[/editline] I miss having someone close. someone to rely on. someone who supports me. all I do is give but I never get anything back [editline]10th January 2016[/editline] I am everyones crutch but have no crutch myself. others support themselves on me, increase the weight, but no one offers themselves to help them with the increasing weight that I'm experiencing. why am I even alive at this point. the future seems very dark and grim. don't know what to do [editline]10th January 2016[/editline] I'm not a person people want to be around, I'm a person who people use when they have nothing better to do [editline]10th January 2016[/editline] its so upsetting that no one really cares about me [editline]10th January 2016[/editline] whats the appeal in self harm. just out of an impulse I figured I'd try it, made a halfway incision in my arm and just found it uncomfortable. how does that help with how terrible I feel. I'd rather abuse drugs than cut my body up [editline]10th January 2016[/editline] I'm in a really dark place right now and I don't want to be here

I've been having waves of anger lately that've been so strong it's actually left me light headed and in a blur. I had to take an impromptu walk at 4 in the morning the other day because I felt like I was losing it. I don't remember anything about the walk, but apparently I stopped at Circle K and got coffee. I haven't felt like this in a very long time.

I'm really excited for school to start again. It's the only other thing that made me happy recently and I think part of what's made me so absolutely devasated about the world is besides being lonely I've got nothing right now, no goal, nothing to wokr towards Once I'm back in school again I'll at least have something I'll feel like I'm trying to achieve, get set back on myself. I also miss my friends a lot. It's rough when everyone you know lives in a different province, I think that's the other big issue Spending the whole break locked alone in my room has been driving me fucking crazy and definitely has not been making me any better. Too easy to focus on the past that way.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49495414] whats the appeal in self harm. just out of an impulse I figured I'd try it, made a halfway incision in my arm and just found it uncomfortable. how does that help with how terrible I feel. I'd rather abuse drugs than cut my body up [/QUOTE]For me, the pain snaps me out of anything I'm feeling at the moment and I feel kind of a 'mental clarity high' for about an hour or so. That said, don't. I'm deeply unhappy with myself for pushing myself down that hole. [editline]9th January 2016[/editline] I'm so mad at myself for not getting help two or three years ago. I want to tell myself "hey, you know how sometimes in the evenings you blank out and can't feel or do anything? Go to a doctor about that and do it now." But I didn't, I told myself that I would if it got worse. Then it got worse, and I told myself that if it got even worse, I'd see someone. Three years later, my life is falling apart, I can barely take care of myself or do anything in school, and killing/hurting myself is all I ever think about. And I'm still telling myself that I'll get help if it gets worse. I hate this stupid fucking cycle of denial.

I just can't figure it out, I just don't know what I want to do with my life. I just want a great job but I already tried a 4 year college, I HATED IT! The place had me feeling suicidal for the whole semester, right now I'm considering going into a trade school come next fall which might be a good idea but right now I just need a job so I can save money, I've applied everywhere...

reaching that stage when you're at a loss of words is kind of the worst. i usually get at least a mild meditative property out of being able to conceptualize and map out my thoughts but when you pretty much hit a dead end it starts closing in on you

[QUOTE=Cha;49493820]Imo the most important thing is to recognize our thoughts and feelings what we think of being right and true to ourselves. If you're capable of writing fluent English as you do, you can learn basic concepts as well. :smile: Why do you believe that you can't learn?[/QUOTE]Well I learn a lot slower than most people which is a disadvantage. I need to be better in order to make the most of my existence. I don't accept my flaws, I want to fix them in order to do all the things I need do, otherwise I'll be worthless.

my well being completely snapped in half last night. I figured I had to get up somehow and I don't like burdening others, so I decided to start with something that wouldn't burden anyone. self harm? not really my thing. binge eating? that'll fuck up my weight loss goal. drug abuse? I'm not really there, don't have it available and don't want that to become a thing. alright, I can't think of anything else right now that would help lift me up so maybe I should bother someone to vent thoughts. I toss a message to my friend who is sleeping over in another room, asking her if she's really exhausted and tired and if she had the energy to speak for a few minutes. she was, but said I could write to her instead but I told her I didn't find that comfortable. she asked what it was about, so I said the social stuff, her and some other girl. she halfway freaked out and figured I had negative things to say about her, so I reassured her that it was not. I realized I wasn't getting anywhere so I just unloaded my dark thoughts into the chat and all she had to say was ":/" and "that's not good..." until she stopped opening my messages and turned off mobile data to not get any more. I didn't send a whole ton either, I sent two that she answered and 2 smaller ones after that which she ignored and a third one after them which never got delivered which just indicates she turned off mobile data. so my plan to unload thoughts and vent just made me feel worse since I felt she gave clear signs that she didn't give a fuck up about me and it doesn't help that she has been incredibly care lately towards me as well. since that didn't work, I decided to do the only thing I can think of that can help, to take a walk. I went out a little before 3am. I strolled around the local area for about half an hour before I decided to just walk wherever. during those 30 minutes, I tried calling the suicide crisis hotline thing but they actually never picked up the phone. it just kept telling me all of the people working were busy and that I'd be connected as soon as possible but I just gave up. that didn't help with my well being at all when not even a crisis phone picks up on you. I sent a message to another friend of mine asking if she was awake and if she had anyone over, which she did unfortunately so I couldn't stay there, but she was really supportive I felt unlike my other friend who was "too tired" to help out. so I have someone who cares at the very least. unfortunately it wasn't chatting I needed, I needed company and someone to be with which was very hard to get apparently at the time. decided to continue my journey and walked. first I walked to the closest town which is 7.7km (according to google maps) away which I usually do since its not that long of a walk. takes me about an hour to walk that distance. begun walking 3:30am roughly, was there 5:30am spot on. took me two hours since I was fairly depressed so I didn't walk that fast. I noticed my thoughts were still racing and if I went back home now I'd just get really depressed again so I figured, why not just keep going. so I walked to the next town, another 9.5km. was there by 8:10am. I was thinking of walking to Oslo which would be another 14.7km, but my legs and body wasn't really up for the task anymore. it was freezing outside and I was walking around with some torn blue jeans, a cotton t shirt, cotton hoodie, cotton hat and my cheap, old winter jacket. it wasn't exactly the warmest clothes to wear during this time of the year. not only that, but it had snowed so much from the day before and that night so pretty much 90% of my walk was spent with powder snow just below my knee. towards the end, I was barely able to make the joint in my knee comply in moving my legs. it hurt so much. was literally trembling as well and was really blue so my body might have a grudge on me now. at the very least it did help with keeping the thoughts at bay, but I can't imagine that these walks will work forever. I need new areas to walk in and I have no idea where to walk when I walk these distances. can't really take public transport anywhere either since these "walking outbursts" only happen during the night. [editline]10th January 2016[/editline] its a little worrying that I've begun taking walks again. I remember taking walks when I started descending into my previous isolation and severe depression as a way to get my thoughts on something else. that these walks are coming back is just a sign to me that the thoughts are becoming too much.

anyone able to relate to somehow already knowing whats gonna happen on your phone when you wake up? I'm not sure how to word it or describe it, but as soon as I wake up I sort of already "know" whats gonna be on my phone, what people have written to me, done towards me, and so on so I delay checking the phone since I'm somehow convinced I already know whats on there. a few minutes pass and I realize I don't actually know, then I check my phone and none of what I thought was true like expected. its a little annoying since sometimes I'm utterly convinced someone has sent me a message or asked me to hang out, but then when I actually check the phone a few minutes later there's no messages.

I don't know if you have but Pred you absolutely need to see a doctor of some kind As someone who's experienced pretty much every thing yojve listed off I can assure you it's not easy just sitting hoping for things to change

[QUOTE=Dick Slamfist;49501397]I don't know if you have but Pred you absolutely need to see a doctor of some kind As someone who's experienced pretty much every thing yojve listed off I can assure you it's not easy just sitting hoping for things to change[/QUOTE] I've told the person who comes home to me once a week that I've noticed the signs that I'm falling back to depression and isolation so she has forwarded that to my psychologist with some other minor details about my situation. I'm not sure whats gonna happen next, but at least something is happening. the only thing that has worked in the past for me is hospitalization but I don't want that again so I'm not sure how effective it'll be a second time around seeing as the will to get better through that is not there like it was the first time. my hospitalization for a large part of this year just proved to make me worse, then I got a lot better when I got kicked out, and now I'm falling back to old habits. no idea what to do next. I suppose I have a vague idea of what I need to do to get better, fix my sleeping schedule and get back on track with working out, but those things are far from easy. [editline]10th January 2016[/editline] I find it odd that I suddenly started experiencing hypnagogia and hypnopompic out of the blue. it sounds like those things that you either have or not from an early age, but I think I experienced hypnagogia for the first time in my life in September this year, while hypnopompic symptoms have started popping up as of late

Just typing, cause it's the only thing keeping me from ending my life right now.

I've been feeling pretty okay lately. Sometimes I feel my self doubt and anxiety creeping into the back of my mind but I try to not dwell on it. [QUOTE=DaCreeper;49503851]Just typing, cause it's the only thing keeping me from ending my life right now.[/QUOTE] I've been there. Nothing wrong with that, just keep writing until you feel you don't have to anymore friend.

David Bowie dying has put me in a genuinely horribly depressed mood Such a cornerstone of my life

I need to stop worrying so much. I lost sleep the other night over got yelled at by a customer for delivering a pizza too early [I](I deliver pizzas for a living)[/I], whenever I find out someone dislikes one of my youtube things, my heart skips a beat. Whenever I send a message to someone over facebook or skype or here, I get anxious and keep checking to see if they read it or not, and I keep getting the premonition that I'm annoying them if I do it too much, and so forth. How do you guys handle that sort of stuff? Some stuff I just don't care about and I let it slide off my back, but other things I can't and it's really annoying. I just don't want to make a big fuss over things but whenever I try, I just can't. What do you guys do?

Sounds like you don't value yourself much if some pleb raging over pizza delivery times affects you.

[QUOTE=AngryChairR;49506580]Sounds like you don't value yourself much if some pleb raging over pizza delivery times affects you.[/QUOTE] The weird thing is that it normally doesn't. I've been stiffed out of tips, yelled at delivering pizzas late, even yelled at by some girl who ordered pizza's father because I called her number because I couldn't find her house, and I just shrug it off like it was nothing. But just that one incident where I got yelled at for being early (of all things in the pizza delivery circle), that stood out to me. Maybe it was the context or some shit, I'm not quite sure.