Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

I'm thinking of starting one of those 'Go Fund Me' things to try and pull myself out of debt. I literally only want enough to try and get out of this hole. Any excess I'd donate straight to charity.

[QUOTE=Glitchman;49515845]I have fallen into deep depression regarding my ex. I was the one to break up with her, but I haven't gotten over it. I wanted to see her again and she already has a new boyfriend. She told me she hated me and hope I keep hurting. She was never mean to me, for over a year we dated and she was my best friend. To have her say such things give me pain like no other. I can't sleep, barely eat. My chest just hurts all the time. I feel so alone now, and it's a small town so she is everywhere. I know this will go away, but what if I don't make it to that point? Having crazy serious thoughts that are concerning me. Not about suicide. Just about giving up, moving, quitting my job, just.. stopping.[/QUOTE] I wrote out a long message, but instead of what I was writing which was all over the place, maybe you'd find this interesting or potentially saddening, but ultimately hopeful: When people break up, [url=https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201306/how-mourn-breakup-move-past-grief-and-withdrawal]they treat it much like a death[/url]. Before we were civilized, humans generally never left the group unless they died. As a result, nowadays, a willful removal from the group causes very similar grief. The distinction, however, is that you caused your own "death" - you took something away from them. If you wanted to be real extreme with it, you murdered yourself! (Totally an extreme, though.) But as with grief, feelings wane. People move on. I think you shouldn't focus too much on her attempts to cope and to sort out her hatred, because those emotions are being placed there as a defense as she attempts to rebuild herself. She's extremely vulnerable right now and very in the moment - she might hate you now but will she hate you forever? Probably not. I might be interested in paying attention enough to see if it gets worse and you need to get some protection and aid for her like you would any grieving person, but outside of that you've just gotta let her be able to feel her emotions - it's part of coming to terms with reality and getting better. And she's gotta learn to put herself out there and receive the love and affection of others - I know a lot of people that have had to do this. And if this is for your own peace of mind, please trust me when I say that it is far better that you split now than in twenty years. You have no idea how much worse it can be, and how much worse you could have made her feel if you kept an illusion going to protect her from your real feelings. It could warp you into something way, way worse - potentially abusive and extremely depressed, trapped, etc. This is why you have to put yourself above others to a specific extent - a healthy amount of selfishness saves you from deeper trouble. It's better to mentally murder someone she knew for four years than twenty.

I've been thinking about it and I'm willing to go through with starving myself to death. If you think about it, it's relatively painless, it's slow, it's not really noticeable, and by the time I'm gone I'll look better than I was when I was alive. I'll also be less of a financial and emotional burden on everyone. I can end with having A's in my classes and being thinner than I was before, and it'll be better for everyone around me

[QUOTE=Zezibesh;49515332]yeah, I tear up all the time when walking past groups of people or if walking past someone on a really long street and I've seen them coming for a while so now I just look at the ground most of the time[/QUOTE] Although I can't provide advice for you, it's very strange. I have a hard time looking people in the eye. My mind kicks into overdrive. It's like filling up with an energy I don't know how to deal with. I believe this can be offputting to certain individuals. One of the scariest feelings I've ever felt was literally a second in time in which Maddox looked me dead in the eyes. It wasn't his fault by any means, he's just a very confident guy that wants to talk to people heart to heart. It felt like my entire being was cracking apart from the pressure. And I don't even know [I]why[/I]. And I think that's why even though I don't like hanging out with others nor do I like meeting people, I make a very large effort in being functional. I've got a very large interest in taking improv classes, for example, and I've spoken to Maddox about hanging and meeting his friends one day. This is beginning to sound like a blog post but I've been thinking about it since I was in Kindergarten - it's also very strange. I want to connect with others in a specific way that generally surpasses small talk, parties, and what not. The real reason I generally don't enjoy interacting with most others are the disputes I have with social norms - not that I am above them but that I don't understand them and they usually enforce a social situation that completely disinterests me. I've learned to cope with it but nevertheless it remains a reality that while I love the world and very, very specific people, I'm beginning to feel a general apathy towards others that I can't articulate. I can function around others, and I can help others, and do stuff for people, and at one time I even had a very large amount of friends, but I've become disinterested in most of them. I've become disinterested in most people on Facepunch, for example. I remember names, and I remember people's problems, and I want to solve them, but it's not like I would want to meet them in person. There's so many funny people here on Facepunch, but I do not want to play games with them or hang out with them. There is a specific Facepuncher I met recently that intrigues me very much, but that's about it. What does it mean when you see people and you have a basic humanistic empathy towards them, act as nice as humanly possible for them, will actively listen to them and investigate their persona, but have a general disinterest and, perhaps, not really care? My happiness is derived from my toying around with programming languages, composition of music - things that are mostly self-absorbed - and interaction with family, discussions with one very specific person in my life, passive nothingness with my ex, and enjoyment of a curious bird in a cage that sits next to me. And I can honestly attribute most of this to my best friend - the more I have learned about him, the more I become molded - not in a casting that is of him, but of a shape that is uncertain but increasingly abnormal. The more I befriend and love someone that is "not of this society" I guess you could say, the more I increasingly become distant. [editline]13th January 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Zillamaster55;49521389]I've been thinking about it and I'm willing to go through with starving myself to death. If you think about it, it's relatively painless, it's slow, it's not really noticeable, and by the time I'm gone I'll look better than I was when I was alive. I'll also be less of a financial and emotional burden on everyone. I can end with having A's in my classes and being thinner than I was before, and it'll be better for everyone around me[/QUOTE] As someone who used to be anxious to the point of avoiding eating, I can tell you that even the beginnings of malnutrition makes an impact on how you look and feel. I was consistently stopped by people who asked if I was alright. I grew pale and was beginning to thin out very quickly. What it proved to be, accidentally, was a cry for help. Perhaps your mind is on that track, and perhaps you should try a much more direct approach. I think that making an effort to be better means a lot to everyone around you, even if you don't think so. It reduces your chances of being a burden by at least a million percent. On the other hand, doing nothing for yourself and leaving everyone else to prop you up [I]can[/I] be an issue, I'm not going to lie, but I've only known one person in my life that did that because he specifically loved being depressed and actively put himself in situations where he would receive the bad outcome. I left that guy behind because there were specific issues he didn't want to correct with the use of depression as a cop-out (i.e. the freedom to very intensely verbally abuse women because he's depressed, even though he won't cop to it). You don't sound like that, though. You sound very sincere and like you don't want to be this way - you're concerned with being a burden for others. That in itself, even though it is a problem, is the sign of someone who cares and someone worth caring about. All of my other friends who have attempted suicide, who have been raped and are recovering, who are anxious to the point of accidentally producing scars into their flesh - all of those people are lovely and very much because they try. If they're willing to put in the effort, a lot of people will put in the effort for them too. And it's not a burden - it's being human and expressing love for you. Most of those people have grown apart from me, though, as you can probably tell from my lengthy post of my situation, but it wasn't out of malice and a lot of them are doing great.

[QUOTE=kyle877;49521173]I'm thinking of starting one of those 'Go Fund Me' things to try and pull myself out of debt. I literally only want enough to try and get out of this hole. Any excess I'd donate straight to charity.[/QUOTE] Is this even worth trying? I don't want to sound like I'm greedy or anything, but I feel like I've got nowhere else to turn.

[QUOTE=kyle877;49521540]Is this even worth trying? I don't want to sound like I'm greedy or anything, but I feel like I've got nowhere else to turn.[/QUOTE] I didn't comment because I'm flat out broke and you can't post that on Facepunch. From one GoFundMe I saw on Facebook though by a popular church-goer, it didn't raise much.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49521545]I didn't comment because I'm flat out broke and you can't post that on Facepunch. From one GoFundMe I saw on Facebook though by a popular church-goer, it didn't raise much.[/QUOTE] My biggest fear is coming off as greedy. I'd only use as much as I needed to help in clearing out my debts, and I wouldn't be relying entirely alone on the charity of others as I'm going to be working again shortly. Once the debt has been paid off, every penny in excess would go straight to a charity for depression and anxiety, as these are two things that have plagued my entire life.

[QUOTE=kyle877;49521540]Is this even worth trying? I don't want to sound like I'm greedy or anything, but I feel like I've got nowhere else to turn.[/QUOTE] Its not greedy. I made one. It hasn't fully kicked off but I'm incredibly grateful for what's been donated.

GoFundMe only really works very well if you have a decent network of people to spread the word, or you can offer small rewards, similar to kickstarter. It's not impossible to get something from it, but having it sit there and not promoting it anywhere will get you nothing like 99% of the time.

Are there any drugs which can block emotion? I hate emotions.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49521762]Are there any drugs which can block emotion? I hate emotions.[/QUOTE] Yup. I took an anti-depressant that made me far too giddy touchy feely happy, and then I took one that made me apathetic. Then I took one many years later that was just right. Then I stopped taking it. Now I'm alright. You should find an anti-depressant that works well and let yourself feel.

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49521784]Yup. I took an anti-depressant that made me far too giddy touchy feely happy, and then I took one that made me apathetic. Then I took one many years later that was just right. Then I stopped taking it. Now I'm alright. You should find an anti-depressant that works well and let yourself feel.[/QUOTE]I don't want to feel anything, emotions are useless to me. All they do is make me angry and do irrational things.

Even if you suppress pain, that wouldn't that you don't hurt and then it all comes back worse later. It's better to try to deal with emotional pain in constructive ways.

I don't think my selection of friends is really that good for me. one of them drags me down, two others cut me out of their lives completely for something they did and put the fault on me, the other is very inconsiderate and quickly thinks with her emotions with no logic attached, and then there's a ton of others who I don't have regular contact with who I just see every now and then who I don't really like. there's one last one who I actually like a lot, but she is hard to meet since she struggles a little socially at the time. how do I meet new people

I'm very unsure of what's about to happen, so for now this could be the last post I make on facepunch for awhile. Or at least until I sort things out. I'm using the time right now to research homeless shelters within walking distance. Or thinking of finding a way to hitchhike without it being illegal or getting killed. My mother and I got in a big argument today. It started with her asking if my interview went okay. I broke down and started crying because it went awful, she blamed it on me saying that I wasn't trying hard enough. (The job interview went awful because I couldn't understand what the man was saying, he had a thick hispanic accent and couldn't speak much english. He called my face dirty, and said that " if you cannot understand what I am saying then this is not the job for you." This was out of my control. I tried very very hard to understand what he was saying.) My mother started to get snippy and made a rude remark on the way I wear my makeup, saying it's "too dark and too heavy." [I](It's not btw, I put some brown eyeshadow and black eyeliner on and it looks nice to me.) [/I] She was saying how "He probably didn't want to hire you because it makes you look like a crazy angry person!" I got upset at that, I said "No it dosen't mom! I told you, he didn't hire me because I don't understand half of what he says! I can't work good if there's no clear instructions!" She shouted "THATS BECAUSE YOU DON'T EVER PAY ATTENTION! YOU DRESS LIKE A MAN HE PROBABLY FELT UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND YOU!" ... "I can't even dress the way I want to without everyone giving me hell for it. I guess the pizza place expected me to wear a fuckin skirt and dress shirt for the interview??? I don't wear skirts, and It's a fucking pizza shop. A nice clean tee shirt and clean, not ripped jeans are pretty acceptable for a teenager applying for a fucking [I]pizza place[/I]. Sorry I happen to wear a big fucking bulky ass men's work coat in the fucking middle of january when it's fucking cold. Sorry I don't dress the way you want me too." She decided to threaten to call the cops on me (for yelling back, she provokes me intentionally and when I give in and bite back she blames it all on me and then further provokes me with name calling) She threatened to send me to a mental hospital. I snapped, screamed "NO MORE! STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE A FUCKING ANIMAL! STOP TALKING DOWN TO ME! STOP THREATENING TO LOCK ME UP LIKE A FUCKING DISEASED ANIMAL!" She told me to get out of the house, I screamed "AT LEAST LET ME PACK A FUCKING BAG BEFORE YOU THROW ME OUT." She screamed "NOPE! NO CLOTHES! NO WALLET NO MONEY! JUST GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Right now I'm locked up in my room packing shit and researching, I might buy a plane ticket out to my friend but she still lives with her parents, her mom wouldn't really appreciate me dropping by unannounced asking for a place to live when I don't even have a job or much money. I just don't want to be too risky. But at this point I am either about to lose everything, or prevent myself from losing it for just awhile longer until the next big fight in our family happens. It's a cycle. Now do you guys see why I am losing hope? This family is too unstable, even if I get a job I can't support myself off of it. It's not enough. I'm stuck here. I am stuck.

Every time theres a mutual friend I swear they always like the other friend way more, it feels like they talk to them more, tell them more shit and just that they seem to enjoy talking to them more like if im not just that enjoyable to talk to. It just makes me feel like fucking shit and not that much of a good friend to talk to much. And it's also part jealousy I guess. Seriously fuck jealousy/envy. One of the worse emotions for me its stupid how much it gets to me and how much it makes me depressed lmao

[QUOTE=kijji;49514120]I'm always asked why I don't have a lot of friends irl or why I don't go out, makes me feel abnormal[/QUOTE] It's not abnormal at all. It has a permanent lasting effect on the way you see people. Surround yourself with decent people and over time you'll find yourself feeling better.

Lost my job because I tried to stick up for myself, well time to be a NEET again for another year. Why even try anymore, I only got the one I lost because a friend recommended me.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49522384]I'm very unsure of what's about to happen, so for now this could be the last post I make on facepunch for awhile. Or at least until I sort things out. I'm using the time right now to research homeless shelters within walking distance. Or thinking of finding a way to hitchhike without it being illegal or getting killed. My mother and I got in a big argument today. It started with her asking if my interview went okay. I broke down and started crying because it went awful, she blamed it on me saying that I wasn't trying hard enough. (The job interview went awful because I couldn't understand what the man was saying, he had a thick hispanic accent and couldn't speak much english. He called my face dirty, and said that " if you cannot understand what I am saying then this is not the job for you." This was out of my control. I tried very very hard to understand what he was saying.) My mother started to get snippy and made a rude remark on the way I wear my makeup, saying it's "too dark and too heavy." [I](It's not btw, I put some brown eyeshadow and black eyeliner on and it looks nice to me.) [/I] She was saying how "He probably didn't want to hire you because it makes you look like a crazy angry person!" I got upset at that, I said "No it dosen't mom! I told you, he didn't hire me because I don't understand half of what he says! I can't work good if there's no clear instructions!" She shouted "THATS BECAUSE YOU DON'T EVER PAY ATTENTION! YOU DRESS LIKE A MAN HE PROBABLY FELT UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND YOU!" ... "I can't even dress the way I want to without everyone giving me hell for it. I guess the pizza place expected me to wear a fuckin skirt and dress shirt for the interview??? I don't wear skirts, and It's a fucking pizza shop. A nice clean tee shirt and clean, not ripped jeans are pretty acceptable for a teenager applying for a fucking [I]pizza place[/I]. Sorry I happen to wear a big fucking bulky ass men's work coat in the fucking middle of january when it's fucking cold. Sorry I don't dress the way you want me too." She decided to threaten to call the cops on me (for yelling back, she provokes me intentionally and when I give in and bite back she blames it all on me and then further provokes me with name calling) She threatened to send me to a mental hospital. I snapped, screamed "NO MORE! STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE A FUCKING ANIMAL! STOP TALKING DOWN TO ME! STOP THREATENING TO LOCK ME UP LIKE A FUCKING DISEASED ANIMAL!" She told me to get out of the house, I screamed "AT LEAST LET ME PACK A FUCKING BAG BEFORE YOU THROW ME OUT." She screamed "NOPE! NO CLOTHES! NO WALLET NO MONEY! JUST GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Right now I'm locked up in my room packing shit and researching, I might buy a plane ticket out to my friend but she still lives with her parents, her mom wouldn't really appreciate me dropping by unannounced asking for a place to live when I don't even have a job or much money. I just don't want to be too risky. But at this point I am either about to lose everything, or prevent myself from losing it for just awhile longer until the next big fight in our family happens. It's a cycle. Now do you guys see why I am losing hope? This family is too unstable, even if I get a job I can't support myself off of it. It's not enough. I'm stuck here. I am stuck.[/QUOTE] There's a lot of people I know that require as much distance as possible from their parents to move on in ways so absolutely necessary. Parents are often regarded as the well-intentioned, all knowing, all loving people that should be obeyed, but in my experience, not all parents are well-intentioned. A lot of them don't know anything and if they do, it's horribly outdated. And just because they gave birth to you doesn't mean that respect isn't earned. These opinions of mine can be controversial, but I find them to be true as it took a friend of mine a trip half-way across the country onto a farm to discover himself and start a new path for further rediscovery. Now, he is a man of the military and a man of God with strength and a pursuit of happiness that is incredible. His mother was drugged out of her mind when her daughter was raped in the next room, drugged out of her mind when she placed her daughter in the backseat of a drug-dealer's van, drugged out of her mind as her walls were plastered with gunshots, and died of a drug overdose. He ran away as things started to turn that much worse and I think that very specific degree of selfishness is not selfish. If he were to stick around in the same environment, I guarantee that his mindset would have fostered some immensely awful depression and who knows what would happen after that. I can say that I know other people in my life who are trained by their parents to hate themselves too - sometimes for abuse, or just as a method to force them into a mold they designed for them. I would imagine your life would be better if you found any way to leave them, and that your goal should definitely be to leave. Your mental state is absolutely everything and trickles into everything you do. Contact that girl and see what she thinks, if you can. [editline]13th January 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=PredGD;49522312]how do I meet new people[/QUOTE] Online

i'm getting a chunk of cash on the 18th, possibly $65. i'm kinda freaking out cause there's a handful of things i wanted/needed but i'm terrible at choosing stuff.

[QUOTE=aussiedropbear;49522395]Every time theres a mutual friend I swear they always like the other friend way more, it feels like they talk to them more, tell them more shit and just that they seem to enjoy talking to them more like if im not just that enjoyable to talk to. It just makes me feel like fucking shit and not that much of a good friend to talk to much. And it's also part jealousy I guess. Seriously fuck jealousy/envy. One of the worse emotions for me its stupid how much it gets to me and how much it makes me depressed lmao[/QUOTE] I have this every time I meet up with two of my friends. If I hang out with them individually it's all fine, but the moment it's the three of us I feel like an outcast.

-snip-

I just can't deal with much more, I'm so scared like all of the time and worried about everything. I'm afraid my girl will find someone better and that I'll really no support here on Earth. I just want to lay down and close my eyes or fast forward just a few years :(

a girl I used to know in the old hospital who I unfortunately lost contact with (she was really back and forth so it was for the better, she confused me a lot) started following me on instagram the other day so I figured I'd follow her. pretty shocked to see how her life has turned. nearly a year ago she posted pictures I'd expect "her" to post, the person I used to know. last picture that was "her" was posted 20 weeks ago. then there was a big gap where she posted nothing until 5 weeks ago and all she is posting is her being abused by her boyfriend, her doing drugs (and realizing it is a problem), failed suicide attempts, forced hospitalizations, how much she craves heroin and pictures with the caption "the day after I was raped". she is only posting negative stuff and I can clearly tell she has changed a lot, for the worse. it hurts to see. she used to be such a cheerful person with lots of energy. she was a lot of back and forth and she was unpredictable, but at least she was happy. I remember being a little shocked to her self harm scarring. it was the worst I've seen in my life with really deep scars all over her arm. they weren't just marks or small scars, they were literal pits and canyons in her arms. yesterday she posted a picture on instagram of her holding some heroin she had found and its the first time I've seen her arm since last time. you know what, think I'm gonna link that instead since it's not beautiful [url]http://pred.me/pics/Foto_-_Google_Foto_-_Google_Chrome_2016-01-14_15-53-42.png[/url] it's so much worse now. I've never seen anyone self harm to the extent where it doesn't even look like self harm anymore but rather a disease or something much more severe. poor girl. I tried reaching out to her the other day, but she never opened the message so clearly she's not interested in picking up contact again.

it needs to be illegal for celebrity icons to die or something

God, my school issued a mandatory "Active Shooter Training" video that everyone has to watch and boy. I'm already super paranoid about that kind of thing, honestly, I don't need my school reinforcing that fear. I'm just playing it on mute in another tab.

Yeah, my work had a paper that we had to read about what to do in an active shooter situation. I told my coworker that it makes me nervous and she said to write it down cuz it'll be passed around, so I did :v: Whenever I'm with a big group of people, whether it be irl, in a text chat or voice chat, like 4+ people, I get kinda anxious and really quiet, anyone know what this could be? :worried:

[QUOTE=wauterboi;49526106] Online[/QUOTE] I'm not really looking for online relations though, I need someone I can meet, do things with and talk to. on another note, I have to vent about the girl I've vented about every other time I've vented about people. yesterday I asked her if she wanted to hang out since I was in town and there was no one there, so why not ask her. I didn't expect much since she just got home from work and she was probably exhausted, which she was, so I got a no. that's okay. then she asks me to ask another friend of mine who happens to be her friend too with a added . on the end which is always a sign that she's mad which confused me. I said I had asked but that there was no response, which she just answered thumbs up to. few minutes later out of nowhere she suddenly tells me she can't meet me until next week since she's busy which was odd. I didn't ask, but okay. I figured I'd ask what she was up to since she was so busy, and then she came with lots of what I consider bad excuses and even said she was busy all next week. okay what the fuck, I'll just leave it at that and just say "okay". I didn't even ask if she wanted to meet this week or next week, I just asked if she wanted to hang out that one day. why does she feel a need to tell me she's busy all next week and that she can't meet me at all? here's where it gets fun though. I've come to the conclusion that I won't initiate any conversations with her anymore or ask her if she wants to hang out since I'm always greeted with a negative attitude unless she's starting the conversation. anyway, today she asked that friend she told me to ask yesterday when she was done at work. I instantly got to know about this since we've been talking a lot about this girl and how she's a huge burden on us both. she told me and she didn't answer her so she never got to know when she was done at work. we vented to each other a little and decided to meet. a few hours pass while we're together and she sends a message saying that she wanted to meet her but apparently she was busy, and added on the end "tell me when you have time for me". as soon as that message got delivered, she asked me "whats up?" clearly to figure out if we were together. I just told her the truth, and she literally told me she had asked her to meet despite telling me the day before that she was busy today. then she added in the next message "have fun you guys, I'll just go to bed and sleep". boo hoo poor you how can you be so dumb. like fuck her man. she lies to me and says she's busy all day out of nowhere, then the next day she reveals she had zero plans and wanted to meet our friend who didn't meet her since she's pretty fed up about her like me. can't she just tell me the truth, can't she just tell me what's wrong instead of coming up with lies to make sure I don't ask her to hang out? what the fuck did I ever do to her? I let her have a place to stay for 11 consecutive days, she just ate from our fridge without asking, I've spent so much money on her in terms of food since she has very little cash and I've been there for her nearly every day when she has been feeling down, and now she's suddenly really distant and uninterested in talking and meeting up? I'm not getting anything out of this friendship. I don't expect services or cash, I expect to have a friend I can rely on, but she does not provide that. she's a burden, not a friend. I'm so fed up by her. this friendship is so incredibly one-way. I do everything to maintain it while she just stares at me with a dumb glare. [editline]14th January 2016[/editline] I hate people like her. she's like a fucking leech. as soon as she wants something, she's so nice and happy, but when she doesn't want something, she's just a boring, uninteresting slob that just sits there with no interest in speaking with you. I feel so used. I don't feel like a friend to her, I feel like an object she uses to pass time when she has nothing better to do [editline]14th January 2016[/editline] this hurts so much. this is not what I need right now. this is not a good first impression when you've been socially isolated for so long, it really gives me the impression that everyone is as unstable as those I know

Hello guys, I'm back again... I've got no one to hang out with, I'm still torn after the news of Bowie's sudden death, and I just feel like shit. Trying to get away from this place though, hope I'll make it

[QUOTE=healthpoint;49528090]I have this every time I meet up with two of my friends. If I hang out with them individually it's all fine, but the moment it's the three of us I feel like an outcast.[/QUOTE] This is usually the result of the other person being more socialable, I have a friend that this happens to all the time when I hangout with him and another guy. It just comes down to the other friend being easier to talk to, i.e., promotes conversation instead of it just being a one-sided thing.