Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

life's pretty fucked, facepunch above all else, which I could go lengths about here, i am of that shitty kind of people that can think and talk about changing but will never actually do anything to change, to even give it a chance. i just want to stop living, stop being a (soon to be)failure to my parents and a nuisance to some people i know

I feel like I'm surrounded by people who just bring me down. is this even normal? I have never had a relation with another person where they've been caring, an equal relation where both makes an effort to keep it up. closest thing I can think of is my ex, but that's about it. right now I just have people who bring me down and are stressful to have in my life. one freaks out over nothing, like yesterday all of sudden she sent me a snap saying "thanks for answering me", "love you too ..." and I had no idea what I hadn't answered to. she freaks out so easily. the other seems to suddenly not want to meet at all anymore, nor does she send messages like she used. what's up with that? and the two others who just cut me out of their lives for something they did, if they were to return, just argued with each other and made issues out of nothing constantly. at this point, I'm pretty confident that if I were to just disappear completely on social media and stop answering any of them, I wouldn't be missed at all. people probably wouldn't give a shit. [editline]22nd January 2016[/editline] I don't know what's different. I want to fix this but I don't even know what's wrong. why did everything change after new years eve, what happened? why is everything so terrible again? everything is back to what it was in 2014, I just haven't been sat it for long enough. I woke up at midnight and went to bed 4pm, my schedule is flipped like it was back then. I'm not social anymore, its a week since I last even left the house. this reminds me so much of my 2 year long isolation, is it really coming back? this is so incredibly frustrating. I'm going back to my old habits, I'm losing the social part of life, and I don't even know what's wrong this time around. last time I was the one who pulled back, but this time? everyone around me seems to be pulling away. how do I fix that? I can't force someone to be with me, I don't know what to do. I'm so confident that if I lose these people I will NEVER find someone new to be around. I'm so confident that'll happen and it scares me so much. how do you even get new friends when you have none from before to use as a bridge? I'm so scared and the tears are pushing on. I really, really, really don't want to go back to what my life was and the way things are looking right now, that's exactly whats about to happen. I've felt that there has been no hope before, but those times have never had any logic backing it up. it was just the depression speaking. now however, I feel like I have literal evidence that things are hopeless. that last resort of just ending it is so close because I feel like I have no other options. I don't want to spend another year alone, I can't take it. I just want people around me, someone to love and be loved back, but that's apparently not easy. [editline]22nd January 2016[/editline] you know the worst part about this? at least during 2014 in my isolation, I had a really, really good friend on the internet who I spoke with daily and played games with. he's fucking gone man, I miss him so much, and now that everything social around me is collapsing I have no one to talk to at all, not even on the internet. I can't see how I'm supposed to cope with isolation this time around, I just can't. I'm drained, I can't take more time alone

I was riding on a high lately, Things were starting to feel good again, but I fucked it up like I always do. Sent myself crashing back down, it always seems to play out like the story of Icarus, and once I've fallen old habits come back and the down feeds on itself. I hope I can pull myself up again, but I'm running out of energy to keep fighting alone.

As has been pointed out to me numerous times by people on this forum and others, I'm a complete and utter moron and everything I attempt to do equals failure. If I'm completely useless/worthless, what are the alternatives to suicide?

[QUOTE=pentium;49579198]I'm not working here because I want to. I'm working here because nobody else would hire me. You transcend into a special depth of hell when even McDonalds doesn't want you.[/QUOTE] You have a job, so now you have experience, yes? Start looking for another one.

I can't take it anymore. I have Asperger Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Substance Abuse Disorder, Atypical Depression and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I've had 9 beers, 4 xanax and loads of speed. Depending on how the next 48 hours or so will play out. I might actually commit suicide by hanging myself in the bathroom. I'm sorry, I've been contemplating this for about 10 years now.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;49579351]Depression for 6 years and here's my advice: Medication is the last resort (unless you're so fuck'd up you're in danger).[/QUOTE] Medication is fine, the only time it sucks is when you get prescribed the wrong thing that doesn't help you. Which you just have to tell the doctor about it and be like nope this isn't working for me. Which normally only happens if they think it's this but in reality it's something else. I spent two years doing that but now I've got a evaluation for ADHD coming up which really is the last thing on the list out of all the main ones you hear about. [editline]21st January 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Solodris;49581868]I can't take it anymore. I have Asperger Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Substance Abuse Disorder, Atypical Depression and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I've had 9 beers, 4 xanax with Depending on how the next 48 hours or so will play out. I might actually commit suicide by hanging myself in the bathroom. I'm sorry, I've been contemplating this for about 10 years now.[/QUOTE] I do not recommend that at all, you should go check into a hospital.

[QUOTE=DELL;49581894]I do not recommend that at all, you should go check into a hospital.[/QUOTE] I've been there, probably over 20 times in the last 5 years. They've tried everything... and nothing works.

[QUOTE=Solodris;49581933]I've been there, probably over 20 times in the last 5 years. They've tried everything... and nothing works.[/QUOTE] Psych ER, not a normal one. Like if it has gotten to this point, it may be time to consider shock therapy.

[QUOTE=Maksie99;49581939]Psych ER, not a normal one. Like if it has gotten to this point, it may be time to consider shock therapy.[/QUOTE] I actually presumed you meant the Psychiatric Emergency Room. Tried shock therapy, 6 treatments, no effect whatsoever.

I don't remember if I've mentioned this here but I'm incredibly frustrated. I feel like I'm nearly at my breaking point, but apparently that doesn't matter to anything - to be admitted as a patient to any psychiatrist or anybody who can prescribe medication in a radius of 300 miles, I have to wait 4-5 months. Four to five fucking months. I legitimately don't know if I can go that long. I'm scared for my safety and angry at the system and I just don't know what to fucking do.

I don't care what you guys say, I'm trying those nootropic drugs anything is better than being a fucking moron who can't do anything right.

[QUOTE=DELL;49581894]Medication is fine, the only time it sucks is when you get prescribed the wrong thing that doesn't help you. Which you just have to tell the doctor about it and be like nope this isn't working for me. Which normally only happens if they think it's this but in reality it's something else. I spent two years doing that but now I've got a evaluation for ADHD coming up which really is the last thing on the list out of all the main ones you hear about. [editline]21st January 2016[/editline] I do not recommend that at all, you should go check into a hospital.[/QUOTE] Good luck with the evaluation- I hope you find the help you seek! If you want any help or advice on strategies to maximize how effective you are, feel free to PM me. Just be sure to see medication, [I]especially[/I] for ADHD, as a hammer. With it you can build good habits and be on a level playing field. But getting a hammer and only dreaming of the house you'll build won't get you a house. Also if you do get just regular ol adderall the first few days are going to be fun, as in you're literally going to experience what it feels like to take speed. Because it is speed. You will feel like kicking down doors, doing everything, and making life your bitch. After that it settles into feeling "present" in your life. [editline]22nd January 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=RoboChimp;49582231]I don't care what you guys say, I'm trying those nootropic drugs anything is better than being a fucking moron who can't do anything right.[/QUOTE] Who have you spoken to about this besides people on the internet? You're not a fucking moron who can't do anything right, so stop telling yourself that! You are only hurting yourself and feeding more into the mental structure and psychological responses that hurt you. [editline]22nd January 2016[/editline] My first day on Adderall I was bouncing off the walls but mostly I reveled in the ability of being able to talk slow by talking l u d i c r o u s l y slow because it felt fun to talk slow and communicate effectively, lol

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49582231]I don't care what you guys say, I'm trying those nootropic drugs anything is better than being a fucking moron who can't do anything right.[/QUOTE] There's not an issue with your level of intelligence. What I see you doing though is constantly expressing an inferiority complex, which in turn creates doubt in your mental abilities. Doubting your skills in cognition, limits its function to cognizance.

Saw this on [URL="https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/"]/r/stoicism[/URL]: XIII. If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid with regard to external things. Don't wish to be thought to know anything; and even if you appear to be somebody important to others, distrust yourself. [quote=gaylordqueen69][it means] Do not put importance on "looking smart". Don't fear "looking stupid". These labels mean nothing and hold no sway over you.[/quote] There's a steep slope on anything you do/learn, and drugs won't make you any stronger to go up on these slopes because you already can. [editline]22nd January 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=RoboChimp;49582231]I don't care what you guys say, I'm trying those nootropic drugs anything is better than being a fucking moron who can't do anything right.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=RoboChimp;49577722][QUOTE=The bird Man;49577643]Can someone make a quick explenation what HDRI is.[/QUOTE] Higher dynamic range image, it's an image which contains a few levels of exposure. In 3D they are used for lighting and reflections(they're typically layed out so they can wrap around a sphere) , eg you use an HDRI for making a 3D model look real, mostly when you don't have enough elements in the scene from the real world or if you want the render to match a place in the real world, eg a transforming robot.[/QUOTE] This post is a proof that you are not a "moron who can't do anything right". You seem to know a whole lot about 3D shit and other stuff I want to learn someday, which is fucking awesome! Don't let your thoughts bring you down, you are capable of more than you might believe!

[QUOTE=paindoc;49582240]Who have you spoken to about this besides people on the internet? You're not a fucking moron who can't do anything right, so stop telling yourself that! You are only hurting yourself and feeding more into the mental structure and psychological responses that hurt you. [editline]22nd January 2016[/editline] My first day on Adderall I was bouncing off the walls but mostly I reveled in the ability of being able to talk slow by talking l u d i c r o u s l y slow because it felt fun to talk slow and communicate effectively, lol[/QUOTE] It's the truth of the matter, there is no counter information that suggests that anything I do is successful or that I'm right about anything, as most people on this forum will attest to, I'm a massive moron, hence 'dumb rating' on every second post, which proves the fact that my level of intelligence is below average. My attention to detail is bad, my ability to learn is too slow and I'm dyslexic, I just can't keep up in the real world. It's all very well to say "don't be so hard on yourself", but that is not how the real world works. I need an advantage to get up to speed. People say life's a bitch, then why not just cheat life? I can't do anything worth any money, therefore anything I say about anything, any opinion I have is worthless. The only way to get ahead and to do that I need nootropics. [QUOTE=Solodris;49582275]There's not an issue with your level of intelligence. What I see you doing though is constantly expressing an inferiority complex, which in turn creates doubt in your mental abilities. Doubting your skills in cognition, limits its function to cognizance.[/QUOTE]It's not a question of attitude, it's an honest fact, for whatever reason I'm below average. It doesn't matter how much I try, I just can't keep up with the skill or level of other people and the ideas I come up with are just 'bad'. If I was of average intelligence I'd be more in line with other people. I mean look at my posts, I am a moron who needs nootropics, otherwise I'll just keep cycling through and wasting mine and other people's time.

so odd to feel depressed with this extreme disassociation. the world literally distorts in front of me. I'm seeing subtle movements everywhere I look as if things are waving, wobbling about. very subtle, but very noticeable. one thing was to feel "okay" and be dissociated, but being depressed with no excess energy and this disassociation? the world is very different and odd. things are not like they should. I feel like my perspective of the world is very rotten and tainted, I'm not seeing the world like it is at all. everything is weird [editline]22nd January 2016[/editline] I really miss feeling connected to reality. I don't remember what its like to be connected seeing as this feeling has been persistent for a few years now, but I do recall everything being so much better before.

That's it, I simply can't fucking take this anymore. I don't mean anything to anyone, and people who do just tell me that or something good about me to make me feel better, but they know they're just lying to make me feel better, and I don't feel any better. I'm a fucking loser who should just be dead because all my fucking life I never accomplished any fucking thing and I won't ever because I'm not good anything, not even in the slightest, and I can't do anything without screwing things up. I just hate myself and I want to cry and die right after. Hopefully tomorrow I don't wake up.

I need to seriously put my foot down with this girl. My fucking other internet friend keeps introducing new people into our tight knit circle of friends and they're always cynical assholes, in turn skewing my friend's perspective and driving her away from me, because I try to be relativley realistic and positive about things. I'm "lame" and "Stupid" and "childish" and "ignorant" for being positive about things. Which is ironic they say that because I'm fucking depressed as hell and I know how much life is shit. This guy thinks his opinion is so important, starts talking about being athiest and rubbing it in our faces, bashing religious people. I agreed with a lot of what he said because I am agnostic but he was just being so hatefull about it and he told me how his little sister died and all that and I said "I'm sorry" and he yelled at me called me stupid for showing pitty, I didn't mean to show pitty I meant it from the bottom of my heart, with good intentions. This is what I fucking hate about athiests, a lot of them have a superiority complex. So do religious people but I don't get offended when someone says "ill pray for you" or "im sorry" they mean it by good intentions and that's their way of showing they care. My friend is getting the apartment within this month/next month and hopefully if we can just avoid another big fight (ussually caused by third party assholes being invited into our skype calls by another friend) I can get the fuck out of here. What is it with these people my friend JUST meets and all of a sudden thinks that they're so much more important than me? I'm her closest friend. It's because they're boys and she's so fucking thirsty for a boyfriend she holds any male who she finds attractive over her own best friend. The plan is, I start applying for jobs down there a couple weeks before I fly down, I'm gonna try mcdonalds and those last resort jobs first that way I know for sure Im garunteed a job, from there I'll try to look for a better job, but the main objective is to just get A job. The specific date I go down there has yet to be determined. But I was able to find cheap one way flight tickets for as low as $80-$250. Worst case if I have to fly back up home for whatever god awful reason I'll have money.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night (like 5 or 6 hours idk) and I feel like I have more energy :what:

[QUOTE=kijji;49584809]I didn't get a lot of sleep last night (like 5 or 6 hours idk) and I feel like I have more energy :what:[/QUOTE] The brain is a strange thing. My current psych suspected my severe lack of sleep to be the cause of my hypomanic bouts.

[QUOTE=Solodris;49581868]I can't take it anymore. I have Asperger Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Substance Abuse Disorder, Atypical Depression and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I've had 9 beers, 4 xanax and loads of speed. Depending on how the next 48 hours or so will play out. I might actually commit suicide by hanging myself in the bathroom. I'm sorry, I've been contemplating this for about 10 years now.[/QUOTE] I feel better now, sorry for causing any concern. Peace be with you all.

[QUOTE=kijji;49584809]I didn't get a lot of sleep last night (like 5 or 6 hours idk) and I feel like I have more energy :what:[/QUOTE] Yeah it's kinda weird. I have felt that many times I have had to wake up really early. I came into thinking I have depression but it seems I feel like that during exams, I mean there are many signs that tell me I don't have any kind of depression but I feel like I don't have anything to do, I don't even want to play videogames because I have yet to find a one that can hook me.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49583490]It's the truth of the matter, there is no counter information that suggests that anything I do is successful or that I'm right about anything, as most people on this forum will attest to, I'm a massive moron, hence 'dumb rating' on every second post, which proves the fact that my level of intelligence is below average. My attention to detail is bad, my ability to learn is too slow and I'm dyslexic, I just can't keep up in the real world. It's all very well to say "don't be so hard on yourself", but that is not how the real world works. I need an advantage to get up to speed. People say life's a bitch, then why not just cheat life? I can't do anything worth any money, therefore anything I say about anything, any opinion I have is worthless. The only way to get ahead and to do that I need nootropics. It's not a question of attitude, it's an honest fact, for whatever reason I'm below average. It doesn't matter how much I try, I just can't keep up with the skill or level of other people and the ideas I come up with are just 'bad'. If I was of average intelligence I'd be more in line with other people. I mean look at my posts, I am a moron who needs nootropics, otherwise I'll just keep cycling through and wasting mine and other people's time.[/QUOTE] Some of the smartest people on this forum say the dumbest shit. Your mouth and words (or in this case, your fingers) don't always correspond with your intelligence level. Intellect, social etiquette and conduct, and common sense are three entirely different things. If you want to be good at something, you need to find something you're passionate about and work at it. Nothing happens overnight for anyone (unless they're rich and well connected or otherwise insanely lucky) and without putting months and sometimes years into leaning and developing a set of skills - and typically a PARTICULAR set of skills, not just every skill you can think of - then you'll never become proficient at it. Your learning and intellectual development are not on a timeline and considering it to be so is only hurting yourself. I see you post here a lot about this but I never hear about you actually trying to focus on one thing in particular to practice at. Drugs will do nothing for you if you're not willing to put forth actual effort to pursuing your social and intellectual advancement.

ok My psych just prescribed Wellbutin to me to see if it will help with my possible ADD and or depression. I'm kinda nervous coz I have never been prescribed anything ever. This is a completely new thing for me. Any stories about this drug?

[QUOTE=T.F.W.O.;49587847]ok My psych just prescribed Wellbutin to me to see if it will help with my possible ADD and or depression. I'm kinda nervous coz I have never been prescribed anything ever. This is a completely new thing for me. Any stories about this drug?[/QUOTE] It's a well proven drug, and should help treat both of those. Listen to your prescribing physician, share with them all of your concerns, and let them know if it's not working for you. You'll be fine.

Got myself a chance to prove to some big guys at school who I am in the form of a CSGO match. Guess who fucking sucked, Guess who lost the fucking match, and guess who's an even bigger loser than they already were

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;49588270]Got myself a chance to prove to some big guys at school who I am in the form of a CSGO match. Guess who fucking sucked, Guess who lost the fucking match, and guess who's an even bigger loser than they already were[/QUOTE]I speak from experience here - be careful with csgo. (really any competitive game, but csgo is what I know best.) If you're fragile in any way, a bad game or bad teammates can ruin your afternoon, day or whole week. Not to say you shouldn't play it, just be careful out there.

She fucking won't leave my head I swear to god. All I can do is think about her. And I just want to be happy but I can't when I'm thinking about her. i can't even get into a relationship because it's just going to be about sex and nothing else for me. fuck me

I don't know if this is supposed to be sad or fucking funny. When the admission note to the acute psychiatric outpatient ward go misplaced; I was left to my own devices with my major depressive episode. So now I've pretty much just rolled back to the good ol' familiar rut of dealing with chronic depression. But it's starting to seem like now I'm not ill enough for them to care. It's also funny in a totally not funny way having been sexually assaulted by someone in the family and keeping it a secret because that person is already good enough at ruining his life by his own accord. And things start looking bad enough on his part and now I'm afraid that I'll have to contact him and ask how he's doing. The prospect of that was so bad it gave me a pounding headache. fuck ._.