Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

Paranoia about friends talking behind my back with people who hate me is fun.

Well I can feel it starting again, just like you might be able to sense the start of a cold. Time for another span of time where I feel dead and can't enjoy anything yay

[QUOTE=fear me;49593891]Well I can feel it starting again, just like you might be able to sense the start of a cold. Time for another span of time where I feel dead and can't enjoy anything yay[/QUOTE] The worst is feeling it come on - atypical depression for me means positive events push the emotional pain and boredom back but I can feel it returning in the evenings. Adderall too, doesn't help since my mood goes from stable to grumpy sad bitchy emotionally dead mood during the comedown in the evening. I'm meeting with my therapist on Friday morning though, and with my astronomy professor later that day too. So far my therapist thinks a light antidepressant to stabilize my mood is a good idea, and my professor wants to find me some grants and a lab (hopefully plasma lab) to work in this summer so I can stay away from home.

Why does every fucking thing have to be so hard for me to do, and while for others it seems like a piece of fucking cake everything

so annoying when things you regret or found embarrassing in the past suddenly pop up in your head. I keep telling myself that it's the past and there's nothing that can be done about it anymore, but it just doesn't go away.

My anxiety disorder has decided to focus on climate change as the thing to freak out about this month. I feel like I have no future, we're all doomed, and everything is hopeless. Anyone have any ammo to help me stop freaking out about this?

I figure, maybe it's a better idea (and I'm back to this thought) to start working on myself again and just say fuck it to the social stuff for a moment. I imagine insecurity brings out a lot of these things I'm feeling, that fear of abandonment. maybe if I solve or improve my own insecurity I'll have an easier time not speculating so much or have less of an eye for negative signals. where do you begin with that though? I'm not sure what I could do to lessen my insecurity other than working on my body but I'm already doing that and it's not something that happens over night or any time soon. of course, nothing under this topic happens over night, but I imagine it'd be a faster process if I broaden my focus a little to improve on other aspects of who I am rather than just thinking of my body. [editline]24th January 2016[/editline] I'm already realizing that what I was thinking right now would never work. confidence and good self image does not come from having a nice body or a lot of friends, it's all in your head. even if I did have a nice body (it'll come eventually! just not right now, it's in the making) and a lot of friends, how can I be sure it's gonna be enough? what if I get to that point and start thinking it's not good enough? I imagine that is what will happen if my head doesn't change, it'll never be good enough. it's like what I wrote some time ago about happiness, perfection / what people consider to be perfect does not mean you'll be a happy, confident person since there is no perfect. if you strive to be perfect you're gonna end up walking a steep road that has no end and naturally you'll eventually exhaust yourself. the change has to happen in my head and that makes this just so much more complicated. it's not easy to make changes but when it's not in your head it's pretty much always clear exactly what you have to do to make that change. want to get ripped? go hit the gym! not easy, but you know what has to be done. when thinking of psychological changes and changing how we think? where do you even start with that?? getting a ripped body, getting a lot of friends, becoming rich, all of these have very obvious (at least to me) solutions. none of them are easy, not at all, but you always know what must be done. I wish it was that easy with changing the brain. I imagine whatever the solution is won't be easy either, but that's not the issue. I just don't know what the solution is even. [editline]24th January 2016[/editline] and now I'm back to these thoughts. I'm not happy at all about what life actually is. I suppose my expectations were set fairly high and somehow I've not been able to get rid of the expectations. I'm always as crushed and disappointed when I hear from someone "that's life" about something I don't like doing, find uncomfortable and so on. then there's all of these emotions. I don't like them at all since I feel like they make too big of an impact of how I function and apparently that's normal as well? losing a long term friend, going out of a relationship, having someone close pass away, etc etc will all make you upset, naturally! I don't like that. that's one aspect of life that I hate since it's a thing I have no control over. I've accepted that I can't control external aspects of my life like what people do and so on, that's just wrong, but I just can't accept that I won't have full control of myself. it's my body, I'm hurting nobody by having full control of myself, but I can't have that. as much as I tell emotions to fuck off they still stick around. I get hurt over things I don't find reasonable to get hurt over, yet I can't make that stop. my depression and mood has too much control over me when it should be the other way around. even if these things did not affect my daily functioning they still have too much control. okay, maybe I reach a point where I'm not depressed everyday, maybe I reach an average persons functioning, but so what? I'll still have a certain few days that will be really bad where unexplained depression suddenly hits. that's normal, and yet again, it's something I don't like. it's okay to become sick, it's okay to get exhausted, those are my bodies physical limitations, but why can't I be the master of my own mind? I'm not sure if I'd actually want it, but I actually would wish I had no emotions at all. I'd rather be a cold machine than an emotional human being. if there are no emotions, then there is no sadness. at the same time there's no happiness, but does that matter when I can't feel sad about it? if I'd have to sacrifice emotions of any kind for control I'd gladly take that opportunity.

I'm getting really lost with myself. I feel like I haven't truly been happy for months. October at the least. I think I'm getting really frustrated with myself because I'm not getting happier. I dont know what to do really. School isn't helping, being with friends isn't helping, fallout 4 isn't helping (it's actually overwhelmingly disappointing) I just don't known what to do. I wish I knew how to put myself out there more. There's not a lot to do where I'm living nor on campus I could join the anime club that will solve all my problems

[QUOTE=GoldAssassin;49594400]Why does every fucking thing have to be so hard for me to do, and while for others it seems like a piece of fucking cake everything[/QUOTE] Is it a case of mental blocking/cognitive issues, or demotivation/self depreciation? The latter is harder to overcome but mental block is potentially easier to work on.

So I've got a problem. Basically, the plan that my dad initially came up for me with is that I would work on developing my skills in art by studying life and other artworks and etc, and it was something that was inspired by how Bill Watterson's parents would let him live with them and work on his projects while they took care of the bills and such. However, I've been putting that off a lot, either due to laziness or something else, despite the help that I've been getting from my dad to prepare me. As a supposed result, my mom had suggested that, since I had autism, I should go to an institution called [url=http://www.npitx.org]nonPareil[/url], which is where people with autism and I guess interests in game design can go and get trained and then make games for the company. From the looks of it, it has its pros, like how they'll apparently help pay you for some of your stuff and how you supposably have part ownership rather than having all the ownership going to the company (I know that some companies tend to own whatever you make while in said companies, but I could be wrong on how it's more like 0/100 than 50/50). However, I was feeling pretty iffy about going there, because I was worried that it was going to feel like a daycare, and I honestly did not want to feel like a child-like autist that's incapable of taking care of himself. Although, I feel like that that might actually be the truth about me, and that I tend to do shit that people would expect from someone with medium-functioning autism or lower. That starts to become more clear as I began regularly hearing about how I slur and mumble too much and noticing that I stutter a lot and probably have lisp. Whenever I'm watching videos of myself, I tend to not see a regular guy but instead an autist that's probably still taking special ed classes. I'd rather not go back to being in special ed classes like the retarded kid I am despite the fact that nonpareil may actually be beneficial for me for a start. The other problem is the current plan that we're on. My dad got me all these resources that he paid with his own damn money, but I'm still not doing any work like I should be beyond simple Blender stuff. I'm not doing any of that Andrew Loomis studying or those painting studies and gesture drawing practices. I feel so unmotivated and all that. I'm starting to think that the only reason I kinda wanted to get into that sort of thing in the first place is that I wanted to contribute something to the world rather than stay at home doing nothing while my parents support me (Plus, I was already into drawing by that time I made that supposed conclusion), but yet here I am, doing almost the exact same thing that I was worried about doing. Neither the "stay at home and waste resources, and then eventually get kicked out" or "go to nonpareil" outcomes should sound satisfactory to me, and yet I'm not doing anything about preventing either of those. Why is that? Is there even anything else that I want in life beyond sitting at home looking at the internet? [editline]24th January 2016[/editline] Also, another thing is that I feel like a dick for not wanting to be associated with the crew members (That's what they call the students that attend the institution) in that way. I never really thought of myself as the kind of guy that acts like an elitist with associations, but yet for some reason it's different here. What do you guys think about that?

How old are you and what do you do with most of your time?

just helped someone with relationship advice today it was pretty fun but when it was over it reminded me why exactly i'm single again

I would by lying if I said my life was better 3 years ago. It's gotten worse but at this point I've just learned to accept it. I have a fuckton more problems on my plate, but I feel better. I don't think I'll ever commit suicide, I can say that with confidence. I'm too prideful to do it, I'm too much of a wimp to go through with it, and I know it will hurt the ones that I love more than they ever deserve. Learned about a month ago that my parents aren't as rich as I thought they were, everyone said that we were rich as fuck because we owned a 2 story house but that's because the place was cheap due to the location. There are no jobs here. Zero, except for the tech support place. It's a disgustingly real joke that half of your friends worked at that awful tech support place. I also learned to love my parents more, maybe because that's for selfish reasons. I'm worried that they will give me an ultimatum of "If you don't get a job, get the fuck out of our house." Although, my mother says that they will never boot me out of the house ever, but I'm still paranoid like that. I'm taking a few online university courses to please them, but that only occupies about 2 hours per day so most of the time I'm trying to make a small income of $50 a month by selling garrysmod scripts. I can't go to university full time because that's a 3 hour bus ride there, 3 hour busride back and courses aren't flexible like that. My parents are planning to move there, they've been thinking about it for 10 years but they never took steps until I straight up begged my mother saying that I can't get a job or an education here and she agrees fully, admitting that they made a mistake living here for too long. Worst case scenario, they don't move for another year, and I'll have to change my field of study to something like cooking so I can go to the university a few miles away.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49595767]so annoying when things you regret or found embarrassing in the past suddenly pop up in your head. I keep telling myself that it's the past and there's nothing that can be done about it anymore, but it just doesn't go away.[/QUOTE] i've been dealing with this since as long as I can remember i, like, physically twitch when i remember something like that, even if in the end nobody cared and/or remembers

I feel like venting in here, but I don't even know where to begin.

Going through a lot of stuff in my life right now, not sure if this is the right place to post it though? Not sure if it's depression or anything it's just one of the hardest things im going through

[QUOTE=AngryChairR;49601921]How old are you and what do you do with most of your time?[/QUOTE] I'm 19 and nearing 20. What I do with most of my time is either looking on this website, playing some games, or doing some stuff with Blender. Occasionally, I do some actual art on either the computer or in pencil or whatever. I'm also currently taking 3 classes at a community college, so that takes up some of my time, as well. Also, I feel like I should correct myself and say that I don't actually tend to not want to be associated with autistic people in any way. That was just the idea that my mom had of me when I said that I felt iffy about going there since I didn't want to feel like another autistic guy that you would see attending a special needs class. I think what the problem is that while some autistic individuals such as myself (assuming that I appear normal in the first place) may not necessarily seem like the guy that would be attending special needs classes, it would be on the contrary when we're all put together in a group specifically for people with autism, which would include people who are obviously pretty awkward and etc. Then again, I'm reading this explanation that I just typed out, and I'm starting to realize that that's probably where my mom got the idea that I didn't want to be associated with people with pretty bad mental disorders, so she might be right about me.

why does no one want to meet me anymore? is there something wrong with me? feeling so alone, I just want to sleep

officially nothing is fun anymore, socializing causes more anxiety and self-hate than it's worth, I have no energy to take up anything new. Video games aren't fun, they're just a distraction so that I can make it to tomorrow. That's all my life is now. Distract myself so I can get to tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be making it to the next day. and so on and so on forever. I don't see the point in getting to tomorrow. i dont want tomorrow to exist. I just want to sleep forever. [editline]25th January 2016[/editline] I need help but it's not available to me. There's just nothing I can do other than keep going like this forever or kill myself.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49604885]officially nothing is fun anymore, socializing causes more anxiety and self-hate than it's worth, I have no energy to take up anything new. Video games aren't fun, they're just a distraction so that I can make it to tomorrow. That's all my life is now. Distract myself so I can get to tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be making it to the next day. and so on and so on forever. I don't see the point in getting to tomorrow. i dont want tomorrow to exist. I just want to sleep forever. [editline]25th January 2016[/editline] I need help but it's not available to me. There's just nothing I can do other than keep going like this forever or kill myself.[/QUOTE] Why is it not available to you?

I'm so paranoid that I piss people off when I message them on facebook or whatsapp that when I do I almost always apologize shortly after. I'm totally fine face to face and its only started recently, I just feel like when I message people and they reply that I'm inconveniencing them or something.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49604885]officially nothing is fun anymore, socializing causes more anxiety and self-hate than it's worth, I have no energy to take up anything new. Video games aren't fun, they're just a distraction so that I can make it to tomorrow. That's all my life is now. Distract myself so I can get to tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be making it to the next day. and so on and so on forever. I don't see the point in getting to tomorrow. i dont want tomorrow to exist. I just want to sleep forever. [editline]25th January 2016[/editline] I need help but it's not available to me. There's just nothing I can do other than keep going like this forever or kill myself.[/QUOTE] Are you addicted to anything that has caused your tolerance to dopamine to increase dramatically?

[QUOTE=paindoc;49605103]Why is it not available to you?[/QUOTE]All services within 200 miles are waitlisted for 4-5 months. [editline]25th January 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Llamalord;49605846]Are you addicted to anything that has caused your tolerance to dopamine to increase dramatically?[/QUOTE]No. I just can't feel good for any reason. I've been approaching this point for years. [editline]25th January 2016[/editline] Actually, cutting feels good but I try to limit doing that.

Okay long as fuck story ahead warning So basically this is about my parents completely over-reacting and me finally realising I need to get out for a decent amount of time First to lay the back story my parents (mostly dad) are pretty old-school at parenting. My dad, while he hasn't full on fist-fought with my has hit me a couple times in my life for being rude to him or my mom and stuff like that. I can live with that but what I can't live with is how controlling he can be. Basically any argument that gets too heated he can end with "this is my house and I pay for x so if you don't like it you can leave" or shit like that which gets on my nerves because sometimes it's not even related to the discussion or argument that we're having but I have to keep quiet or I risk being kicked out and I'm living quite comfortably at the moment so I just make him think he's won. Plus sometimes when he gets really angry or if he's been drinking heavily (he's not an alcoholic but when he does drink he can get pretty drunk) whenever the argument gets too bad then he just carries on saying "you're getting arrogant" and that's usually followed by for lack of a better word a warning punch that's not too painful but has taken my breath away once or twice. This doesn't happen too often at the moment just saying it for background on what he can and used to be like. Oh they're also super religious (the whole family is christian and I wasn't allowed to watch harry potter or play pokemon when I was younger) while I've pretty much fully turned agnostic theist recently, and we have a heavy drug addict in the family. Back story on me is that I'm not a problem child in the slightest, passed grade 12 with 5 A's and 2 B's, currently doing a bachelor of science, almost never drink when I go out and am the designated driver 99% of the time (I've gotten drunk once), don't smoke and generally most parents of friends I meet consider me highly respectful and shit like that. Not being arrogant or anything just laying a base for the story. What I have done is smoke weed a total of 7 or so times over the course of 1 and 1/2 years, never owned any myself or bought any with my own money just smoked with some friends. That's the crux of the story. Story time: So my gran had just died the day I left for this place which was a temporary stop-off for this big party that happens once a year with a couple friends. I'm not too phased with death (never have been, prefer remembering the nice things they did than being sad), and I was coming back the day after the party for the funeral so I wasn't missing much. Turns out I left my phone (unlocked) back at home by mistake, didn't think much of it and didn't have time so I didn't bother getting it. Day passes and I get a call from my dad saying there's been a "big family emergency" and that's all he tells me and that he's going to pick me up (1:30 hour drive mind you), so I start panicking thinking maybe my mom is sick or died or something and I'm left stewing in my thoughts as my friends take off for the party that I was meant to go to. They finally arrive 3 hours later and I get in the car, turns out my moms okay but they still don't tell me anything. We get on the highway and they pull off and my dad drops the bombshell "have you been using marijuana". So, I instantly go steel, but I tell them everything because I realised that they've LOOKED THROUGH MY FUCKING PHONE without me saying they can use it or anything. So after the usual over-reaction of "we're never letting you see x friend again" (which I got really angry with because fuck that) and "we didn't know you were a drug addict" with crying and all that what it boiled down to was this: -every couple of weeks I would take a piss test to make sure I hadn't smoked -I would see the pastor that we know and explain everything to him -if I was caught positive again I would be sent to a drug rehab place and I wouldn't be allowed my own car nor would they pay for my university (not sure but i think I'd be kicked out of home too) On top of this my dad, after the first piss test, didn't believe that the strength of the line in the test or control region played no part in the amount of drug present in the system even though it says on the FUCKING WEBSITE. So i was ripped apart for about 2-3 hours for having what he thought was a trace amount of THC in my system where in actual fact I was clean. Fast forward after the meeting with the pastor who we drove 2 hours to see a week after they found out (been about 2 months now of on and off arguing, the pastor was the usual schlick of how bad drugs are without really listening to my situation), my dad sits me down and we start talking (Oh right for two weeks straight before this they forced me to go to church on Sunday even though they know my beliefs, and behind my back tried getting someone from the church to subtly talk to me about it and get me into a house-church deal). Anyway I sit down and it boils down to my dad saying that I have 2 weeks to find another friend group that I can chill with at least once a week and that they (my parents) can okay, or I'm out of the house and they won't support me anymore (partly influenced by the pastor I must add). He also called my current friend group scum-bags and a bad influence because I smoked weed with the one and the other had brownies once. They basically want me to cut ties with friends I've had for 5 years to make a new group that I'm pretty sure they want to be christian people only (just speculation). Although later at night he phoned me and said he'd put that whole deal on hold for now it's basically been the straw that broke the camels back and I'm pretty ready to move out at the moment. Don't want to because as I said it's a comfortable situation financially here but I can't deal with the emotional shit going on for much longer. Have some family in the UK who would be willing to house me, pay for my flight (I'd pay them back if I can hopefully get work there) and travel visa. Would resume university either over there a few years down the line or come back to South Africa due to the exchange rate.

Ugh I haven't eaten since Friday, fuck

Well, it's official, my grandpa is pretty much dying. My mom mentioned something about a hospital bed in my grandparents' dining room, and I knew.

Fuck, There are 3 tests at school today even though the limit per day is 2. Failed the PE test, failed the Biology test, and I probably failed the math test. I fucking hate being so fucking stupid and being so inferior to everyone.

The past 2 months or so I've been having a very hard time getting to sleep and having a good sleep cycle. I honestly feel like I'm going crazy, never had problems sleeping before and I need my sleep. I'm a division 1 athlete and feel like shit constantly because of this. I stopped drinking and smoking and still nothing helps. Any advice?

[QUOTE=Bleach Qeef;49608876]The past 2 months or so I've been having a very hard time getting to sleep and having a good sleep cycle. I honestly feel like I'm going crazy, never had problems sleeping before and I need my sleep. I'm a division 1 athlete and feel like shit constantly because of this. I stopped drinking and smoking and still nothing helps. Any advice?[/QUOTE] Melatonin supplements help me sleep, but aside from that, I have no idea how to get to sleep easily. I still have trouble, even with the melatonin.

Yeah I got melatonin, probably gunna pop a few after I eat. It's crazy though, I'm up before 8am most days, am in class from 8:00 to 2:00 then practice from 2:15 to 6:30 and even though I should be exhausted, and am physically, I just cannot get a goodnights rest. I remember in highschool after workouts I would be so exhausted that I would just go home, eat, and knockout before 8PM and sleep 10-11 hours easy.