Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Bleach Qeef;49609011]Yeah I got melatonin, probably gunna pop a few after I eat. It's crazy though, I'm up before 8am most days, am in class from 8:00 to 2:00 then practice from 2:15 to 6:30 and even though I should be exhausted, and am physically, I just cannot get a goodnights rest. I remember in highschool after workouts I would be so exhausted that I would just go home, eat, and knockout before 8PM and sleep 10-11 hours easy.[/QUOTE] I've been getting this too, college sorta threw me off a bit for some reason. It might be just because of how varied my schedule is now. In HS I'd go home and eat a massive nice meal and feel that really good kind of exhausted, fall asleep at like 10-11. Now not as much.. I'm still trying to adapt.

I'm moving house tomorrow. I'm moving house tomorrow and I'm only 1/4 ready. PANIC.

embrace it brah, new place to meet new people and start a-new

it's good that I've been able to keep my focus on losing weight as I'm sure that'll bring out a positive change in my life, but I've begun wondering if it's just not enough like I used to believe. I used to believe that my weight was the source of all evil (or a lot of it anyway) and that if I solved that, I'd be much better off. I'm a lot happier with my body now, but it hasn't made enough of an impact on my functioning. I'm sure it will make more of an impact once I actually reach my goal for example or when I'm slim enough in my eyes, but it's a gamble. for all I know I might never reach that point where I'm satisfied with my body and end up losing weight beyond what's healthy in an attempt to reach that level where I'm satisfied. my psychologist warned me that a lot of her clients who had attempted to lose weight had a tendency to never reach a point where they're happy with their body so they're not able to stop the weight loss once they reach their goal. I actually have a feeling I'm going to be one of them. I have shared my thoughts of losing more weight than my goal since I have a feeling I won't be happy and I'm always met with "you'll end up too thin if you go beyond your goal". I find it hard to believe, but at the same time I think they have a valid point. I suspect that my current mental state is not a good one to be in while losing weight since I have a suspicion that my view on my body is fairly distorted right now. I feel like I should remove that "dedicate your life to losing weight" attitude I set some time ago and branch out my focus to further improve my mental health. of course, I'll remain a strong focus on losing weight since it's a big deal to me but I need to make some other changes too. no idea what that would be. I feel like a lot of my problems lie in the social aspect of my life, it's what is currently dragging me down, but this is also an aspect of my life that I don't that much control of. if people don't want to meet me anymore, what is there to do about that? to improve the social stuff I feel like I need to work on my insecurities to muffle out jealousy, speculation and over thinking regarding people. weight loss is a good source of that, but I don't think it's the sole reason. so I suppose my goal towards a better life starts with improving my insecurities. now I just need to figure out how I'm supposed to attain that goal since I have a feeling that a lot of this is done in the head so I'm not sure where to start. I made a post about this not too long ago, it feels pretty easy to make actual physical changes but when thinking of psychological changes, not as easy.

@waterpi wow thats crazy man. How old are you and how much longer would you be staying at home? It sucks but honestly you just need to stick it out. Dealing with super strict parents is never easy and sometimes can result in disaster. @Preggd Losing weight isnt the end all be all. Being a weight lifting fuck myself I always say that hey if i was 220 lean I would be so much happier, and maybe in some ways i would and be more confident, but as you said there are other things that you need to improve on. There is nothing wrong with bettering yourself so long as you arent overly critical

I need some second opinions on a situation I was in yesterday. it's about my friend who I haven't seen in over two weeks who claims to be very busy while still meeting other friends. she shows zero interest in meeting, but she does show interest in chatting so I don't think she doesn't want me around. still, odd. yesterday she was in relatively good mood and spoke about something that happened out in town today. this struck me as odd since she has always not wanted to go to town due to the people there, but it's somehow okay when it's with others. I played along, tried to accept it and think with my head, but my emotions got the better of me so I asked her if she was fine with me venting some thoughts to her. she said sure, so I went ahead. I told her how everything had gone downhill since new years eve and that everyone seemed to pull away from me, especially the last two weeks. that I felt lonely and wondered if something was up with me, bla bla bla. I told her I was scared to go back to isolation, but at the same time it did tempt since it was a lot more stable than feeling all of this paranoia related to friends. that my way of coping was the social aspect of life, but that now had been gone for over two weeks. she replied, it was relatively positive I suppose? she did mention at the end "people don't have time for others 24/7 you know". this triggered another response in me, so I told her that I didn't expect that at all but that I found it really odd when no one suddenly had time for me anymore when weeks pass. I mentioned that I saw that others was with other people and that I was confused over why I wasn't included anymore like I was before. why people were so incredibly busy nowadays when that wasn't the case pre-christmas. I told her I tried my best to accept it but that I wasn't able to convince myself. I also mentioned that I found it uncomfortable to pick this topic up since in the end, I feel that what I'm feeling is something that upsets people and makes them drift away. I finished my message asking her if it was normal to wait weeks on end before people suddenly had time for others again, and that this wasn't the case at all before christmas. she then pulls a typical her maneuver which isn't new. she disappeared for a while and suddenly she was back and said she had to go to bed (mind you this was 21:30, she never goes to bed at this time, she didn't go to bed before two hours later that day) which I could see was a lie to avoid further discussing the topic. she tends to bail when she's talking about other peoples problems which hurts for me. I got sort of upset so I answered with a "Hmmm okay....." now I was feeling really depressed so I fired off another wall of text telling her to give me a honest reply the next day. I asked her if something was amiss between us, if something had happened, since I felt that there was since she never wanted to meet anymore and she's never there for me when I'm down despite me rarely opening up about it. I mentioned that the last time things got weird between us she hadn't answered with the truth even when I asked her if something was off, but when I got to know from a common friend what was wrong, she opened up. since I had no idea what was wrong this time around, I wanted her to be honest so we could solve it. her reply was a little overwhelming. she said nothing was wrong, but that she had to dedicate time to other friends and that a lot was happening since it wasn't holidays anymore. I have issues trusting this since this was not the case before christmas even though she was just as busy back then, but whatever. then she goes on about how she can't be bothered to tell me more times that she's busy and that I need to "bash it into my head" and finally understand. then she goes on about accusing me of ruining both of our relations to two good friends of ours which has yet to be fixed and how she would have done it so differently compared to me. I had no idea what I was supposed to say so I just added a sad emoji as a response. she went on with another reply telling me that if I didn't trust her then I shouldn't trust her. that she knew what she said was the absolute truth. how she couldn't take any more questions about there being anything wrong between us or me complaining about that no one has time for me anymore. she told me to ask the others. I'm really freaked out about this since I didn't even intend to put blame on her for abandoning me, I tried to get sympathy for the situation I was in with everyone else which she happens to be part of. I told her none of what I wrote was directed towards her but yeah, my situation in general. that I believed her, I had my trust in her, that I knew she was there. I told her what I reacted to was her pulling away when I needed to vent which hurt. I told her that all I was trying to accomplish with my initial venting was sympathy and comfort from her, not for her to defend herself and others and lash out at me for thinking I was trying to attack her or put blame on her. that I just needed to do this to get my thoughts to settle down so I could be happier. that I shared all of this with her since I had my trust in her. she then disappeared for an hour just to write "I understand that" when she came back. I felt like I had fucked up our relation pretty badly right now so I told her I was sorry if I came off as naggy, but that it was hard to hide these emotions when they become so overwhelming. I told her I trusted her, that I loved her (as friend) and that I had begun missing her since so much time had passed since I last saw her. that I understood she was busy and so on. she never answered this one despite being active. I wasn't aggressive at all towards her, I shifted no blame towards her, yet she lashes out at me. is this a good friend? am I being annoying? she's not even there for me when I'm feeling down [editline]26th January 2016[/editline] this is a thing that keeps popping up. this is the reason I never open up about what I'm feeling and instead suppress it. I was starting to trust her more, I felt our relation was getting better, but she's not there for me when I'm down still. and when I'm down, she's not supportive at all and chooses to instead come with excuses to bail from the chat. I feel like I'm in the wrong here, that I did something awful, just for venting thoughts. [editline]26th January 2016[/editline] mood is such an odd thing. right now I'm in good mood all of sudden even though things are looking down more than usual. feeling pretty happy! almost a little worrying since I have absolutely no reason to be happy right now, I should be more upset than usual due to shit that has been going down, but I'm not for some odd reason

it seems like this conversation really fucked things up, at least for now. she responded to my excuse message today, but she just forgot all about the "love you" and "miss you" parts and just said "that's good" with an emoji, thumbs up and a heart. I sent another message just telling her to forget all about what happened yesterday since I wasn't able to think straight since I was so down. I asked her how she was feeling in regard to how late she woke up today, she skipped school and other day activities so I figured I'd ask. I sent that message 2pm, it's now almost 6pm. she has been active all day and she has surprisingly sent me a total of two snaps so she is consciously not opening that last message I sent. I also updated my profile picture over an hour ago which she hasn't liked and that to me is a big red flag that things are not okay. bringing any of this up with her now, anything negative at all (maybe even positive things too), will just make this worse for sure. I'm just gonna sit back and wait until she starts contacting me again, if I do anything it won't be pretty for this situation.

[QUOTE=Bleach Qeef;49609512]@waterpi wow thats crazy man. How old are you and how much longer would you be staying at home? It sucks but honestly you just need to stick it out. Dealing with super strict parents is never easy and sometimes can result in disaster. [/QUOTE] 19 at the moment and I'm not entirely sure but I would say I could maybe move out in 2-3 years, things have cooled down a little bit so I [i]might[/i] not do the whole UK trip atm, still going to think about it and keep it on the back burner if things get really rough again though but im not going to upend my life until it's really necessary. Probably gonna be tough for the next few years but hopefully if I give it even more time they calm down. Appreciate the reply bro [editline]26th January 2016[/editline] Oh on top of all this, I'm getting some serious anxiety about death and what, if anything, happens afterwards. The thought of not being for the rest of eternity fucking terrifies me and is almost keeping me up at night, and as good as it might be when bad things happen and I just tell myself it'll be fine after a while, when something good happens I struggle to find enjoyment in it because I know it won't last. Actually makes me wish I was a christian or some sort of theist again just so I don't have to worry about it. I feel like it's a pretty stupid thing to worry about but it's been bothering me for almost a year now and it just doesn't seem to go away

-snip-

[QUOTE=PelPix123;49611873]my abusive ex found my new accounts this ex abused me pretty severely and I ended up having to get mental help for posttraumatic stress now they follow me around shitting on me and anyone that meets me because I cut contact with them. i'm a little scared because i've lost friends who believed their lies cuz they're so good at lying. that's how i stayed with them for so long. they know i'm mentally ill and they convinced me that i hallucinated all of the shit they did. I actually fucking believed it until someone else backed me up [editline]26th January 2016[/editline] tbh I flit from abusive relationship to abusive relationship. when I get hate mail I'm not 100% sure which ex it is...[/QUOTE] Be assured that you are not alone. I've been through pretty much the same with my exes. But one thing for sure, is to forgive them in time. Not because they deserve it, but for your own wellbeing.

Bout time I should pop in here. So ay, from ages 2 to 14 I had constant night terrors and sleep paralysis. The kind of night terrors that had me in my bedroom, in my ol' comfortable space, before something happened like a hand under my pillow or a thing behind my door, etc, that flooded me with that warm horrible fear and had me eventually wake up, after dealing with the thing a while. It pretty much cut off parts of my comfort zone until I couldn't fit into it any more. So all my life I've had paranoia-induced insomnia. I cannot feel comfortable in any bed. It normally takes me 2-3 hours to fall asleep, but on nights where I'm more paranoid I don't because things like vivid images pop into my head. And if it's really bad, I hallucinate. So it's like the night terrors realised they couldn't fuck with a dude who didn't sleep so they'd pop into my waking life. That insomnia is a big cause for depression for me. It's paranoia and loneliness. Drinking didn't help, pills didn't, exercise didn't. Counselling isn't doing shit. What did do shit was about 5 years ago when I shared a bed with my long-distance GF- only falling asleep, mind you- and for those three nights I actually slept well. But she cheated on me with two others guys, dumped me and found her soulmate right after. I mean sure, I'm 19, hitting 20 pretty damn soon. But y'know how people sleep a third of their life? Well for me, it's been less, always has. I did a few calculations and, if I average stuff out, I've been awake for as long as a 25 year old. Oh, and it doesn't help that I was born with a big ol' bunch of issues. I mean that's ruined my self esteem, and it's bad enough that i have what I call "resting psycho face" which is the result of that insomnia. So I'm not the prettiest person. Two weeks back I cried for the first time in five years- that being when the mentioned ex broke up with me- and I've just felt more and more like shit since. Y'know I've helped people out? I've had messages pop up from a person who I hadn't talked to in years, thanking me for making them promise not to self-harm. I know I'm a good person, I have no qualms about my personality, but it's the insomnia and the body issues that get me. But it's because of that stuff that I have troubles to share with others, so they can easier share theirs with me. For some it helps knowing that I've suffered too, for some it helps knowing that their shit isn't as bad as mine, for some it helps to know that after all this time, I'm still fighting against it without even a hint of giving up. I honestly believe the way to fixing this would be getting a gf, someone who could make me feel not alone where I need it most. I could have a million friends and they wouldn't be able to do that. I once had my old dog on my bed, a toy yorkshire terrier, and one morning I woke up and thought it was sleep paralysis and kicked him off. He carried the resulting limp until he died and I learned that I can't have pets on my bed. What I need is something so obviously there that it anchors me and my piece-of-shit hyperactive imagination down to reality where I don't get fucked up. A dog can't, but I know a lass could. But with how I am now, I couldn't land one. I'm a mess that's only getting worse. My self-esteem is wank due to my issues and it seems like the only people I have a chance with have turned me down or are far, far away (and also taken.) tl;dr: seemingly permanent insomnia, body issues, loneliness, paranoia, jack shit works.

getting a lot of likes (compared to what I expect at least) on stuff you post on Facebook feels surprisingly good. I'm not very active on Facebook, I only like stuff from people I consider friends and so on, never post anything. I've begun experimenting with profile pictures again however seeing as I haven't had one since 2013. first one was in late November, got 17 likes which really surprised me as I had just gotten out of isolation, like, who would care about little me who had no friends? next profile picture was more of a bet that I lost which only got 14 likes. it wasn't the most flattering of me so I removed it a week later and didn't go back to the old one either since I wasn't happy with it. then I went about a month until new years eve with no profile picture where I added a new one I was more happy with after being convinced by a friend which got 24 likes, nice. not expected at all. thought I looked pretty unsatisfied and mad though so I switched yesterday and that one is sitting at 29 likes! it's far off from friends I have that sit with 100+ likes, but I'm pretty happy with what I got when thinking of the situation I'm in.

This is more of a brain health issue that anything psychological, does anyone else get a migraine or headache when they concentrate or do a lot of intense thinking? In my case it's cured by sugar or food containing gluecose. I had initially thought getting a headache when learning something difficult was normal and that smart people either didn't have that issue or simply battled through the pain and nausea, now I'm starting to see that I'm the only one with this issue. Do any of you have that same weird problem?

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49616567]This is more of a brain health issue that anything psychological, does anyone else get a migraine or headache when they concentrate or do a lot of intense thinking? In my case it's cured by sugar or food containing gluecose. I had initially thought getting a headache when learning something difficult was normal and that smart people either didn't have that issue or simply battled through the pain and nausea, now I'm starting to see that I'm the only one with this issue. Do any of you have that same weird problem?[/QUOTE] $50 says its all in your head, and that convincing yourself you're getting wicked headaches feeds into it. If not that, it may be dyslexia. Speak to someone qualified.

well, i've been talking to this girl from California for a bit. she just called me cute so that's kinda nice.

[QUOTE=paindoc;49616821]$50 says its all in your head, and that convincing yourself you're getting wicked headaches feeds into it. If not that, it may be dyslexia. Speak to someone qualified.[/QUOTE]Well I thought it was in my head, until I tried my best at work to try and keeping working in spite of the headache and ignore it, I then, ended up getting a massive headache after work and nausea, kept getting the headache until I look some glucose jelly beans. Before than I tried drinking more water, banana, main killers, jelly bean got rid of the pain.

I'm not certain of anything yet, but me and my friend are sheduling a date when I can come down, she's got her own place now. She really does need me. The thing is, Early-Mid February I've gotta start packing bags and applying to a shitload of fast food places that are where she is weeks before I go down there. Because I need to get a job, I need to save up for a car and get health insurance, etc. I don't even have my drivers permit or anything. But whatever it's a risk I need to take and I know as long as I'm still alive I can handle all that legal adult bullshit. Things aren't looking so good up here. Family relationship is still very unstable and toxic, however, I do feel bad for them. I have to shove out this feeling of guilt because I need to start my life and they haven't done much to help me. Infact they never do much at all. I asked my mom loads of times to take me to get my drivers permit and she said "no". [I][B]My family gets off to having control over me. I am being serious.[/B][/I] Again, their ideal life for me is to cook and clean and be a baby maker. Meanwhile they're all disgusting slobs who masturbate all the fucking time. My younger brothers and step dad are constantly making disgusting moaning noises all the time. It makes me sick. My family always barks and yells at me and laugh at me, they never let me have a social life. This is why I have no local friends. So these next two and a half weeks I have to push through and completely ignore the guilt trip my family keeps putting me in. And then I have to haul ass and get all my shit together and leave. [editline]27th January 2016[/editline] I should be out of here by the end of february.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49616932]Well I thought it was in my head, until I tried my best at work to try and keeping working in spite of the headache and ignore it, I then, ended up getting a massive headache after work and nausea, kept getting the headache until I look some glucose jelly beans. Before than I tried drinking more water, banana, main killers, jelly bean got rid of the pain.[/QUOTE] It's likely a mix of hypochondria and quite possibly, low blood sugar, if candy is alleviating it. Go to the doctor and check if you have or are prone to hypoglycemia. That can cause headaches because of a low blood sugar level.

I'm not at risk or harming myself or others, but is it possible to voluntarily check myself into a ward for a little bit?

It should be. Just check around and find out what's available and how much it is. Wards vary as far as price goes. Just be sure that going in won't put you into severe debt or anything. It shouldn't, but sometimes you never know.

-I'd rather just snip this, on second thought-

I need to do something with my life soon. I'm too tired to even write everything now, but I yelled at my friend after I fucked him over in a CS game. I ended up laying in bed crying and I recently woke up now. And I realized that I'm not doing anything productive at all with my life, so guess I have to try change that again so I don't kill myself.

My friend is very depressed and making a lot of suicidal posts on Facebook lately. Today I wrote, "I love you bb" on his wall and he got mad at me. I deleted the post, I wasn't trying to be a dick, I just wanted to lightly remind him that I and others around him care about him, but I think I may have upset him even more. I've gone through depression before, and I know that on one hand, comments like that made me feel guilty, which translated almost instantly to anger at the people who made those comments, but on the other hand those comments also pulled me out of it, bit by bit, with the help of medication of course. I'm not sure how to approach the situation with my friend though, especially after what happened today. I just don't want him to make good on his posts, and have him be gone and have me not having done anything to try and stop him.

anyone else feel chronically hollow/empty i've been anhedonic and unimaginative for the past few weeks don't see any point to living but i don't feel any sort of negative emotion

[QUOTE=_jesterk;49622875]anyone else feel chronically hollow/empty i've been anhedonic and unimaginative for the past few weeks don't see any point to living but i don't feel any sort of negative emotion[/QUOTE] I switch between that, immense passion and drive for my studies (wrote 25+ pages of notes on fusion and scientific computing outside class this week), and what feels like deep emotional pain that has gotten bad enough I usually have to lay down. I'm not sure how to make most of it better, but tylenol actually does help the pain if that ever comes up. The unimaginative part sucks though, I want to make some music but I feel so blank and uninspired. I was hoping to make the deadline for the FP collab album too :/

4 months on, and...I'm no better at all, I mean really not, at all, I couldn't have been more destroyed if it was done on purpose. And I still don't fucking understand any of it, at all, I don't understand what I did to deserve it, what I could have done to stop it, nothing. I just don't get how someone could willingly dump me, while saying to my face that they KNOW its going to be the worst mistake that they will make, but do it anyway. Yeah, she certainly acted like she gave a shit when she was bringing back guys to hers not long after she dumped me. Seriously fuck this world, fuck the world that never lets anything go my way and fuck the world that fucking demands i stay alive and suffer just to assuage the guilt and feeling of others FUCK YOU

I find this balance between doing jack shit and actually doing something really hard to find. how do people do it? I just get unwell and spiral into depression with a gradual increase of social anxiety as soon as I'm alone which gets worse the more I'm alone. I'm not sure how people deal with it. I don't have that exhaustion that others seem to have, I don't have that need or lust to spend time with myself. I need to do something all the time. I suppose it comes from my time in isolation and how much it scares me. maybe I'm overly afraid of going back so I get worse the moment I'm alone since it reminds me of that time. I still haven't figured out what's normal, what a normal life actually is. I envy those who have been present from day one with no long term isolation. they know what's normal for them. I feel like I lack a lot of that. I suppose I knew what was normal for me up until 2011. I didn't live the perfect life, but I did live a consistent life which had pretty much been the same or gradually changed through out the years so I was used to it. it was my normal. then 2011 hit, things begun changing pretty fast. early 2012, things were changing even more rapidly and I fell into my first "isolation" just with someone else with me. I pulled her into it. she disappears in 2013, very rapid change again. then isolation completely alone suddenly starts which was a big change too in the end of 2013 / start of 2014. then I sat doing jackshit until september when I was admitted to the mental ward which was another huge change. I was getting used to stuff, but things felt odd and I didn't know what was normal at this time either. it didn't matter though since the staff controlled what I did, they set a plan for me which I could just follow. then that odd disconnect from reality hit in February 2015, another huge change in my life. then I got really sick again, was put on strong meds and had a terrible time. then I started going back home, another big change. then I was put off meds, another huge change. I suddenly got better again. then I was put in a new ward which made me worse, and yet again, huge change. then I was kicked out, and baaam, the final big change. I got so much better and now things are changing, yet again. I don't think my life has been consistent enough to figure out what's normal for me since things have changed so much so rapidly over the years. I haven't had the time to figure out who I am and what's normal to me. [editline]28th January 2016[/editline] this has brought me to another idea of what I need to do to sort things out. first is to work on my insecurities obviously. the second would be to get a structure and a consistent life that I have a better overview of. if I can live one way for a while I'll soon figure out what's normal for that kind of lifestyle I guess? not easy though, maybe this is something that'll happen naturally as soon as I've sorted everything else out?

[QUOTE=_jesterk;49622875]anyone else feel chronically hollow/empty i've been anhedonic and unimaginative for the past few weeks don't see any point to living but i don't feel any sort of negative emotion[/QUOTE] I've pretty much felt hollow and empty as a whole all my life.

Feeling really down today, usually after a shower I feel fine but not today. I don't wanna go to work and just wanna be alone

Was talking to my doctor about advice regarding sleeping problems, and because of my other issues with getting testosterone up and running while working, I have been very, "Hey that guy who gave me a stink eye, I want to fucking break his jaw!" well at first I just asked if their was any OTC type deal they could give me, but their response? Nahhh, lets throw you on some fun shit first. Namely fucking Depakote. No seriously, they want me to combine up Lorazapam, Depakote, Prozac, Monteklaust, and a variety of already taken things to make myself "stable". Depakote and Lorazapam(Ativan), already have some nasty interactions, and monteklaust is like... Prevents allergies and make all actual illness last only for a day or two, but puts it up by twenty amps. On the upnote though, I was paid yesterday! $290 for my first paycheck, and to sorta congratulate myself, I bought some Chinese food.