Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

trying to find help does a really good job of reinforcing the idea that nobody cares about you

Starting to hate myself again, but it's more...vicious than usual.

I honestly think the world would be a lot better off I just lit myself on fire and died If you think otherwise you're lying, sorry

[QUOTE=fear me;49640875]I honestly think the world would be a lot better off I just lit myself on fire and died If you think otherwise you're lying, sorry[/QUOTE] Even if that was actually true, I wouldn't want you die, especially not that way. You might be thinking that I'm just saying that to specifically you and only you as a hollow attempt to make you feel better, but truth to be told, I don't really tend to be a disdainful kind of guy to even people who's done a lot of damage and seem despicable in the majority's eyes.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49616567]This is more of a brain health issue that anything psychological, does anyone else get a migraine or headache when they concentrate or do a lot of intense thinking? In my case it's cured by sugar or food containing gluecose. I had initially thought getting a headache when learning something difficult was normal and that smart people either didn't have that issue or simply battled through the pain and nausea, now I'm starting to see that I'm the only one with this issue. Do any of you have that same weird problem?[/QUOTE] I had. I guess I tensed my muscles when I was writing my master thesis too long periods without having any pauses. I felt dizzy and had migraine type of headache - saw auras and so on. Besides of that I was wondering the other reasons might be we don't see that well anymore and need glasses or we don't like the subject we're studying or we don't handle feelings of uncertainty or frustration very well which we have before we've learned the subject at hand.

Good, math remedial tomorrow, Biology remedial tomorrow. what's the point if I'm going to fail the remedials anyway...? One time I forced myself to sat down and read 2 pages of Biology material for 30 minutes, My head hurts, and literally nothing stayed on my mind, not even a single fucking word. I don't know If I should study, or even join the Biology remedial tomorrow. I fucking hate being stupid

I'm only managing to see the therapist for 1 hour a month, is that enough? Any I keep thinking about how long I been real job. Most of the time I get no response, which must mean I'm no good at what I do, I don't any feedback or anything at all, I imagine punching the guy in the face who does get the job. Well I've come to the conclusion that I'm not getting annoy responses because I lack intelligence or I'm just worthless as human being. Friends say I'm being negative, but the people I'm sending the job letter to know that I'm in capable of doing the job correctly. Every time I try anything I people telling how shit I am at that thing, I don't think anyone has I'm good at something. I wanted to cheat my way out with nootropics, but for some reason everyone is against this idea. I'm not negative, I'm facing facts here, for there to be people who succeed, there must be people who fail, I'm one of the people who has to bare the short end of the stick. Believing that I somehow can succeed is as naive as playing the poker machines. I've failed the level I should be at in life relative to my age and training, so I guess should just give accept fate and do nothing. If don't compete I can't fail. I don't how else to punish myself apart from banging my head against the wall. [editline]1st February 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Cha;49642400]I had. I guess I tensed my muscles when I was writing my master thesis too long periods without having any pauses. I felt dizzy and had migraine type of headache - saw auras and so on. Besides of that I was wondering the other reasons might be we don't see that well anymore and need glasses or we don't like the subject we're studying or we don't handle feelings of uncertainty or frustration very well which we have before we've learned the subject at hand.[/QUOTE]I have that exact thing, I was deciding whether to see the doctor, but I didn't want look like a hypercondriac.

The job market is literally shit for almost anyone who hasn't actively been pursuing a career in the last few years. Retail and food service are all anyone can get, if they're first starting out. It's not because you're not good enough, it's because the job market is saturated with teens and young adults trying to find something and employers trying to keep and maintain employees without having such a high turn around rate. It's not just you and it's not just one other individual. It's a great mass of young adults who are just as lost and confused and determined that they're slated for failure as you are. It took me four years of retail and food service to finally settle in a job that, while it's still part time, is something I highly enjoy doing and I've built up a relatively large bit of authority at that job because I stuck at it for the last three years. It takes time and patience and the desire to figure yourself out. As I've told you before, and multiple times, I might add, success doesn't come over night. Engineers and doctors have to learn for 8+ years before they do what they want to do, artists have to be constantly practicing over the course of their entire lives and even then, very rarely does an artist actually make money on JUST being an artist, musicians are constantly on the move and working to earn their pay, unless they hit it big. Retail and food service managers are generally people who have worked at those places for several years. Everything takes some degree of work, practice, and experience. You don't start off being good or bad at something. The desire to see things as pass/fail in the real world is tempting, but it doesn't work that way. I've hated some of my past jobs and I ultimately couldn't hack it and quit, but that doesn't mean that I was a complete failure. I learned valuable skills to carry with me to later jobs. It's a matter of perseverance. Nootropics isn't even cheating, considering you need to have some kind of basis of motivation to build on top of with them. Could be the smartest person in the world and lack the motivation to do jack all. You need to find some time to sit down, type out everything you're interested or could be interested in doing, and then start doing research on what it takes to get into the first steps of that pathway and what it entails. Write notes and write imaginary plans on how to get to that ultimate goal. If something seems too hard, don't get rid of it entirely, just drop it on the priority list. It's a way to start visualizing where you could go in life without ultimately deleting something because it's too hard or because you don't have the skill. As for the headache thing, see a doctor anyway.

anyone had a moment of so much emotional pain and distress that your senses literally start distorting? I don't remember how recent it is, but it happened during the last 2 weeks. I was venting thoughts to my friend and she suddenly got fairly aggressive which I posted about here. this hurt me so much, I don't think I've felt as much pain at once as that day. normally I'd just get very sad and depressed, but this time was pretty wild. my balance was completely broken, my vision was distorted, smell and hearing got muffled? I noticed it the most in my vision. it literally felt like one eye was looking up while the other was looking down, I wasn't able to focus or properly look at anything. my balance was pretty bonkers and everything was just really odd? it was just so weird having something psychological affect me so incredibly strongly physically. I felt it all over my body, nothing worked like it used to. I got seriously depersonalized. it was almost as if my brain had lost connection to reality. it was so weird [editline]31st January 2016[/editline] I'm not sure if this is normal? I've never experienced this before and I know what it's like to reach rock bottom of depression and this was not one of the symptoms of that. or maybe it is, I've never really had much of a social life while depressed unlike now.

My antidepressants have seemingly started to fix my terrible sleep cycle- I usually find myself sleepy near 11pm and start thinking "I need to go to bed", and I'll usually wake on my first alarm or wake up naturally. I don't feel exhausted either- past several months I wake up feeling like im made of lead. Anyways my roommate was up late last night playing DayZ on Skype until 2am, I'd been trying to hint about going to bed since 11pm and was dead tired, but by the time I got to sleep it was 4am. I woke at 11pm realizing I had missed my dose timing, felt like shit again, and today I feel like I used to (to a lesser degree). Goddamnit. Had been trying to reset my sleep, get the dosing consistent so that I can get to full positive effect asap for school reasons, but then I fuck it up by sleeping in and not telling my roommate he needs to be quiet (or is that not my place? idk). Anyways, PredGD that reaction isn't abnormal enough to demand medical attention as stress and emotional pain are both quite real and have long-reaching physiological and physical effects. Its abnormal that you experienced that degree of pain, I think. Also, I think you'd also benefit like robochimp from making a list of your concerns and keeping track of them. Something I do now before tests that are making me really anxious is to just right out all my anxious thoughts and negative thoughts out as they occur, and then dispose of the paper. Writing them out helps vent them, seeing them makes me realize they're quite silly, and trashing it feels symbolic. Its been shown to be helpful in double-blind studies, as well.

I really want to die, but I'm shying away from seeking help from family or friends because I'm positive they're just going to give me the same canned bullshit responses like "it's a temporary solution to a permanent problem" or "you have so much to live for", or try to guilt trip me. I'm completely sick of living in this shitty apartment at this shitty school in this shitty city in this shitty state in this shitty country in this shitty world filled with shitty people, and I do NOT want to fucking deal with it for another 50-60 years much less the next few months. I don't feel like life is ever going to be any better for me at all, and nothing that I've heard or read has convinced me otherwise. If I had access to a gun right now, I would likely say "fuck it" and just kill myself. I'm lacking in good reasons to keep going in life.

It's official, I'm getting out of here in about 3 weeks. I really haven't had the time to properly write out a "thank you" to facepunch and the users who helped me out. Because honestly me saying "thank you" dosen't seem like enough. I struggle with accepting help because I feel "guilty" or "bad" about it when I shouldn't, but I'm learning to accept help. It means a lot to me how much you guys helped and I wish there was more I could do besides just type words here. But yeah, this february I'm hauling my ass to the airport and flying down to my friend's place. These next few weeks I have to apply for jobs down there. And even when I'm down there I have to apply. It's risky, but I have a few months. I need to figure out what I'm doing for health insurance, because if I leave I'm no longer covered by my parents. Idk I'll figure it out, it's all solvable. It's just gonna be a pain in the ass. I guess the economy down there is a lot better because it's an expanding city, so some place like mcdonalds will totally hire me. In the mean time I have to sell all of my belongings. But no one's buying them, the only place that will I can't get to because I'd have to walk across a highway. Ebay charges a fee for selling stuff and I don't want to deal with that. My parents are infuriated with me and bombarded me with questions, I'm praying they don't freak out and take my shit like my wallet or my papers.

[QUOTE=RoboChimp;49643115]I'm only managing to see the therapist for 1 hour a month, is that enough? Any I keep thinking about how long I been real job. Most of the time I get no response, which must mean I'm no good at what I do, I don't any feedback or anything at all, I imagine punching the guy in the face who does get the job. Well I've come to the conclusion that I'm not getting annoy responses because I lack intelligence or I'm just worthless as human being. Friends say I'm being negative, but the people I'm sending the job letter to know that I'm in capable of doing the job correctly. Every time I try anything I people telling how shit I am at that thing, I don't think anyone has I'm good at something. I wanted to cheat my way out with nootropics, but for some reason everyone is against this idea. I'm not negative, I'm facing facts here, for there to be people who succeed, there must be people who fail, I'm one of the people who has to bare the short end of the stick. Believing that I somehow can succeed is as naive as playing the poker machines. I've failed the level I should be at in life relative to my age and training, so I guess should just give accept fate and do nothing. If don't compete I can't fail. I don't how else to punish myself apart from banging my head against the wall. [editline]1st February 2016[/editline] I have that exact thing, I was deciding whether to see the doctor, but I didn't want look like a hypercondriac.[/QUOTE] It seems you had the same issue I had years ago. I am not sure what it is, but getting negative will only increae the down ward spiral. Would it help if I say you are excellent in your writing? If other agree with this view, now you might have a job skill you can use. As for me? I lack any hope for the future due to a mishap I deeply regret.

Today I realized that I don't actually want to die, I just want to start living. But oh why must it be so difficult. This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to to, and I have to do it, but I just don't know if I have it in me. I'm not sure I can.

Has anyone else on buproprion/wellbutrin experienced brain fog? I'm only on day 4 here but I feel spaced as fuck. Its like my mind is powered down, and I can't focus on my work. I'm admittedly also fairly sleep deprived (also been having strange dreams) and coming down with a cold of sorts, so I imagine that isn't helping. You know when you get feverish and everything feels sorta distant and foggy and cloudy? Its like that. I can't quite explain it. Its made my ADHD symptoms worse, which is terrible timing because I have two tests this week, and has destroyed my cognitive capacity. I understand its one of the side effects and usually goes away, but I'd like to make sure its not me going completely mental

[QUOTE=paindoc;49655755]Has anyone else on buproprion/wellbutrin experienced brain fog? I'm only on day 4 here but I feel spaced as fuck. Its like my mind is powered down, and I can't focus on my work. I'm admittedly also fairly sleep deprived (also been having strange dreams) and coming down with a cold of sorts, so I imagine that isn't helping. You know when you get feverish and everything feels sorta distant and foggy and cloudy? Its like that. I can't quite explain it. Its made my ADHD symptoms worse, which is terrible timing because I have two tests this week, and has destroyed my cognitive capacity. I understand its one of the side effects and usually goes away, but I'd like to make sure its not me going completely mental[/QUOTE] Yes! I've been on bupropion for a little over a week now, and the first few days I was completely lethargic. It has not helped with my attention issues very much, but I do find it a little easier to snap out of depressive episodes. I found that drinking a caffeinated beverage, and staying active helps eliminate some of the brain fog. Though I don't know how good of an idea it is to mix caffeine and antidepressants.

[QUOTE=T.F.W.O.;49655882]Yes! I've been on bupropion for a little over a week now, and the first few days I was completely lethargic. It has not helped with my attention issues very much, but I do find it a little easier to snap out of depressive episodes. I found that drinking a caffeinated beverage, and staying active helps eliminate some of the brain fog. Though I don't know how good of an idea it is to mix caffeine and antidepressants.[/QUOTE] I'm on adderall XR and IR already, but I have a wicked sore throat and sorta feverish symptoms right now that are getting to me a bit. I'm trying not to panic about allergic reactions, tbh. I feel sorta fine with the stimulants, but once they wear off I'm soooo out of it. I feel spaced as fuck. The lack of emotional pain is cool though, and its also nice noticing the spiraling depressive thoughts and intercepting them before they run out of control. First day was great, its just gotten less great lately. I feel like the stuff coming on is sinusitis again, which is that comes back its going to suck because that was the worst sickness I've [I]ever[/I] had. Caffeine and antidepressants is fine, btw. Just make sure you don't feel really faint and that your blood pressure isn't going haywire. I've emailed my prescribing physician, I'll see what she says in the morning I guess.

I don't post here very often: I'm comfortable pretending to share my feelings with people without really revealing much, or just cathartically getting everything off my chest by hiding my thoughts in jokes. But I want to talk. Because I feel so pathetic. I'm depressed, that much is clear. I'm in therapy, been for about 5 weeks. My therapist seems to think I'm doing a ton better, that I may only need a few more sessions and I'm kind of terrified of that. But I feel like I'm taking advantage of all the leniencies I've been given by school and my parents. On the other hand I doubt I'd even be in school at all if I hadn't basically been given free reign with whatever I'm doing. People are starting to talk though, it's apparently a popular discussion among people in my English class that I've had no repercussions whatsoever for my coursework being over a month late. I just haven't been able to motivate myself even slightly, it's laziness or depression or something. But now my therapist is telling me I'm doing better because I'm acting somewhat better in regards to work, it worries me that right now I'm not actually feeling better. I miss being numb though, right now I feel this fear and anger and sadness and I can't fucking handle it. I'm off my meds too, because recently I've been insanely forgetful and just haven't managed to get around to collecting more. So now I'm sitting in Costa and my lesson just started, it's a 20 walk to school. I can't tell if I'm too down of too lazy to go, or if they're just the same thing. I'm beginning to doubt whether or not I'm actually depressed at all and if I'm just a shitty person faking mental illness to justify my shittiness. I mean I'm not suicidal, never have been, and I've never cut either. I still feel like I can't move from this seat, even to go home or to my mates. Just btw if I do have depression it's probably a mix of a biological and environmental thing, since I've had some shitty times (though downplayed by some and nowhere near as shit as it could be) but my family also has a history of depression apparently.

[QUOTE=Pascall;49643406]The job market is literally shit for almost anyone who hasn't actively been pursuing a career in the last few years. Retail and food service are all anyone can get, if they're first starting out. It's not because you're not good enough, it's because the job market is saturated with teens and young adults trying to find something and employers trying to keep and maintain employees without having such a high turn around rate. It's not just you and it's not just one other individual. It's a great mass of young adults who are just as lost and confused and determined that they're slated for failure as you are. It took me four years of retail and food service to finally settle in a job that, while it's still part time, is something I highly enjoy doing and I've built up a relatively large bit of authority at that job because I stuck at it for the last three years. It takes time and patience and the desire to figure yourself out. As I've told you before, and multiple times, I might add, success doesn't come over night. Engineers and doctors have to learn for 8+ years before they do what they want to do, artists have to be constantly practicing over the course of their entire lives and even then, very rarely does an artist actually make money on JUST being an artist, musicians are constantly on the move and working to earn their pay, unless they hit it big. Retail and food service managers are generally people who have worked at those places for several years. Everything takes some degree of work, practice, and experience. You don't start off being good or bad at something. The desire to see things as pass/fail in the real world is tempting, but it doesn't work that way. I've hated some of my past jobs and I ultimately couldn't hack it and quit, but that doesn't mean that I was a complete failure. I learned valuable skills to carry with me to later jobs. It's a matter of perseverance. Nootropics isn't even cheating, considering you need to have some kind of basis of motivation to build on top of with them. Could be the smartest person in the world and lack the motivation to do jack all. You need to find some time to sit down, type out everything you're interested or could be interested in doing, and then start doing research on what it takes to get into the first steps of that pathway and what it entails. Write notes and write imaginary plans on how to get to that ultimate goal. If something seems too hard, don't get rid of it entirely, just drop it on the priority list. It's a way to start visualizing where you could go in life without ultimately deleting something because it's too hard or because you don't have the skill. As for the headache thing, see a doctor anyway.[/QUOTE] Honestly my career path at this point is just looking for anything I can do that pays and no one is willing to take me on and unwilling to give feedback so it must be obvious to everyone who isn't me. No matter what I do I just reach a point where there is no more progression or improvement with regards to skills, sometimes information stays but with regards to acitivities like drawing, my brain just doesn't do what I tell it, it doesn't progress, because I've reached a point of diminishing returns, it takes me longer than other people. The issue with being good at something is the time it takes and 3D + VFX can takes years for a ridiculously slow learner like me. Nootropics will speed up my learning process, rather than accept that it takes me a long time or that I'm dyslexic and work harder, I want to use the drugs to beat my faulty brain and get to a higher skill level faster without having to read the same paragraph 5 times before I understand it. In order for capitalism to work some people have to lose, I just want to cheat my way out of being one of those people. All the skills I have are for industries that are over saturated anyway. From my perspective applying for a job is like playing the poker machines, except you replace money with cover letters and internet search. [QUOTE=Daysofwinter;49653518]It seems you had the same issue I had years ago. I am not sure what it is, but getting negative will only increase the down ward spiral. Would it help if I say you are excellent in your writing? If other agree with this view, now you might have a job skill you can use. As for me? I lack any hope for the future due to a mishap I deeply regret.[/QUOTE]Well Negativity seems like the obvious thing to me. I'm not very good at writing, I make a heap of mistakes due to dyslexia.

Maybe it time to apply for disability, Robochimp?

got my hours cut back because i called in sick ONE day after not being sick for the past 2 months. my manager really doesnt like me and im working my ass off here despite being tired as shit everyday (which he commented on) with chronic fatigue and not even getting anything back except a laundry list of how shit i am at my job but on the plus side one of my coworkers has been getting the same shit from him so hes sympathetic, so at least someone understands what im going through ended up staying back a whole goddamn hour making my department look IMMACULATE. i know at best ill get good comments from my coworkers but im not expecting anything from my manager full stop. i guess the only thing to take from this is now i have more free time to get my health in working shape and get serious about my hobbies so i can finally get started on my future. I GUESS

I'm starting to feel like all of my problems don't even really matter anymore. Like, yeah, it sucks for me to feel this way, but maybe the only way out is to truly just "get over it." I haven't been talking to many people recently, and the last thing I want to do is sound like a broken record and burden my friends any more than I have already, so I'm just going to try and keep things to myself. I want to talk to a psychiatrist about this, but of course, I have no insurance so I can't afford one. Maybe once I get a steady job or maybe get into a college. Until then, I'm really getting that feeling of non-importance. Why should I be able to complain anymore when that's literally all I've done? Put up or shut up. I'm not a special snowflake that deserves treatment over anyone else. I'm just another spoke on the wheel, and it'll keep turning with or without me.

I'm not at all low about this, I'm just amused. I only asked a "friend" of mine who is pregnant, an honest question about whether she and the baby were doing okay financially, and she's gone all apeshit and giving me abuse lol Just because I asked a simple question as I was curious and cared about her. Me and my big mouth. :v:

Is life some sort of cruel joke?! First of all, I already booked a plane ticket to my friend's place just the other day... wait for it... wait for the joke... Today I woke up and got a phone call from the grocery store [I]down the street. [/I] The joke gets better: I have an interview this friday, if I'm able to work there for 2-3 weeks before my flight, that's a good $200+ I've got in my pocket. I turned a mistake into a miracle. PLUS that gives me a little job experience.

Valentines day is coming up. I don't see the point in it or anything but loads of relationship crap is gonna be shoved in our faces and thinking about it already makes me want to cry

cool turns out i also have anger issues my mom almost got hurt

By some insane stroke of luck someone at a local psychiatry office just cancelled their slot, so I have a session every Wednesday, starting tomorrow. I'm absolutely terrified, can anyone tell me what I can expect? I don't want to go in blind and I'm really freaked out.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49661402]By some insane stroke of luck someone at a local psychiatry office just cancelled their slot, so I have a session every Wednesday, starting tomorrow. I'm absolutely terrified, can anyone tell me what I can expect? I don't want to go in blind and I'm really freaked out.[/QUOTE] At first you'll probably just talk to the psychiatrist and they'll try to figure out a bit of your history, and get to know you. It'll be pretty casual- they want to establish trust with you, and make sure you feel safe. Be honest and give them your trust if you feel they earn it. 9.999/10 times psychologists are good people trying to help, but the poor experiences stick out the msot with people and these people seem to make the most noise. You probably won't start getting in-depth until a few sessions in. The first few are going to be just you talking and explaining your concerns and past, and unpacking all your mental baggage. Its not entirely... pleasant, of course. But it is relieving and feels like progress! From there, you'll start diverging considerably based on what you find. Being scared is okay. But know that you CAN change, this person wants to help you change, and that you must make the best of this opportunity. Listen to them, be honest with them, be honest with yourself, and it'll go great. I'm sure it'll go fine :)

Alright, that's less scary than I was building it up to be in my mind. Thanks for your words paindoc, you're my fave :cat:

I hate February so much Shirty weather and my birthday and Valentine's day are within 4 days of each other Its like the week I feel shittiest. I swear as well the weather affects my anxieties as well, I've been unable to sleep lately. Been back on anti depressants / anti anxiety which I fucking hate because I hate feeling like I can't control myself I miss love so much. I wish I had someone I felt I could go to for comfort Someone to be able to lean on I know that sounds like dependency but I just wish I had a partner for all of this and the stress and depression makes me feel lonelier because it makes me remember What I had I wish I knew how to meet people. I know theres great women out there but I don't know where to look. My last girlfriend I just sort of ran into.