Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

i've been wanting to see my college psychiatrist, but i feel like its pointless. i dont know how to even talk about how I feel deeply. i know i need to go though. one of my friends ask me what was wrong and they had to talk me off an edge, which i know ive hated having to do and i feel like a piece of shit for putting them in that position.

cross posted from GCT but i don't give a shit So i guess my sister is now in jail again. this time, it's probably going to be for a long time, too. for something that happened years and years ago. her father, who is a repugnant excuse for a human being, decided to call the cops on her because he didn't like her presence in "his house" (not even remotely his house btw) and got her and her boyfriend taken away by the cops. of course my mongoloid grandmother in law is siding with him simply because he's her son and she doesn't want to be alone, so any sort of retaliation against her is probably gonna result in us getting kicked out and living on the street. one of my nieces is in custody of my brother and his fiance currently, who already have one kid to look after, and my other one is in custody of someone who I barely know but is apparently a drug dealer. My dad had a heart attack 2 years ago and I really don't want him to have another one over this fucking travesty of justice. i'm laying here in bed and the only thing on my mind right now is my sister and my nieces. saying that I want to die is an understatement at this point. every part of my body is shaking and i think I'm gonna puke pretty soon. i dunno what else I can do except adapt. i'm so fucking ready to call it quits right now and end everything. everything has been so shitty ever since we moved up here 5 years ago and it just keeps getting worse. sorry if this is yet another bitch post but it seems like anything good that happens in my life is superseded by a million other awful things. nowhere else to turn to so there it is. if I just stop posting for a while, that'll be the reason. fuck everything.

[QUOTE=Mysterious;49662512]cross posted from GCT but i don't give a shit So i guess my sister is now in jail again. this time, it's probably going to be for a long time, too. for something that happened years and years ago. her father, who is a repugnant excuse for a human being, decided to call the cops on her because he didn't like her presence in "his house" (not even remotely his house btw) and got her and her boyfriend taken away by the cops. of course my mongoloid grandmother in law is siding with him simply because he's her son and she doesn't want to be alone, so any sort of retaliation against her is probably gonna result in us getting kicked out and living on the street. one of my nieces is in custody of my brother and his fiance currently, who already have one kid to look after, and my other one is in custody of someone who I barely know but is apparently a drug dealer. My dad had a heart attack 2 years ago and I really don't want him to have another one over this fucking travesty of justice. i'm laying here in bed and the only thing on my mind right now is my sister and my nieces. saying that I want to die is an understatement at this point. every part of my body is shaking and i think I'm gonna puke pretty soon. i dunno what else I can do except adapt. i'm so fucking ready to call it quits right now and end everything. everything has been so shitty ever since we moved up here 5 years ago and it just keeps getting worse. sorry if this is yet another bitch post but it seems like anything good that happens in my life is superseded by a million other awful things. nowhere else to turn to so there it is. if I just stop posting for a while, that'll be the reason. fuck everything.[/QUOTE] I saw this earlier and would have responded then, but I've been studying like a madman. So, here's the thing: that all fucking sucks. But ending it all is going to crush the remaining members of your family even more. This isn't me trying to guilt you into things, but rather reminding you that you matter. It's hard as fuck to pull yourself up out of these spots in life. Have you looked at government assistance for medical expenses? Talked to your family about how you feel? Looked around for possible schooling options? Hell, even getting that haircut you've mentioned is an idea. Something to break the cycle you're in, anything. Me trying to say right now that it can grt better and will get better is like trying to describe colors to someone whos reallllly colorblind. Yeah, you can sorta grasp at it and see it but it seems so foreign. If I'm guessing the way you're feeling, at all. Regardless of that, I'll still remind you of that. You have to find something to change, no matter how small of a step it is. And remember that your pain isn't unbearable - it's barely bareable. There is a difference. Use it for strength.

ugh every night i get sucidal and feel like self-harming

So I just had a massive argument with my friend over our friendship, the basic jist is that he doesn't care about our friendship, or anything really and is just being railroaded through life numb to everything. I explained that this frustrates the shit out of me because I need someone by my side right now and he knows that. I've had so many negative friendships and been dicked over so many times but he's the one guy that's stuck with me pretty much my entire life. He sees this and it frustrates him but he just can't bring himself to care, not my words his. I said putting aside that this can't carry on for me, I said he should get help, he agreed but again just didn't care. He just doesn't care about anything. I don't think it's depression, I'm pretty well acquainted with that, and yeah. But I really don't know. Eugh, fuck this. [B]Also, So I'm bolding this because its a kind of unrelated question: Anyone have any idea what SEN needs social, E means? [/b] Only because I got a glimpse of my file (I'm sixth form, year 13, that's 17/18 years old) and apparently I'm that. Idk what it is, but I'm a very extroverted person, I have no real trouble making people laugh and stuff.

[B]I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THIS ANYMORE[/B]

Nice, I managed to completely fuck up my first appointment with a counselor, I'm fucking done

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49668672]Nice, I managed to completely fuck up my first appointment with a counselor, I'm fucking done[/QUOTE] What happened? :(

Was just too nervous. Kept fucking words up, stuttering. I filled out the paperwork wrong and made a bad first impression that way. I had a hard time describing how I feel and I kept locking up and being unable to speak. I can't do anything right, goddamn.

Tbh, first impressions like that with therapists and counselors is probably absolutely normal. They can recognize that a lot of people are nervous and not entirely ready to open up. It takes several sessions to be comfortable. I'm sure you didn't mess anything up or do anything that they hadn't already experienced many times before.

Yeah, the first session with my therapist in college, he said I was very quiet and not very talkative, but then I opened up. Same thing with the other two I've had.

I was so ingrained in the "everything is okay"-act with my therapist back in summer that she said "Everything seems good, see you again three months", despite me being suicidal (due to hiding it). And then the following day it was really close call. Dammit the "I'm doing okay"-act is annoying when it happens so impulsively and naturally. When it tends to go so much as: [QUOTE]"-Hey! How are you doing? Still doing well?" -[del]I cried myself to sleep again last night[/del] Well, I have nothing concrete to worry about, so I guess I'm doing alright[/QUOTE] [editline]4th February 2016[/editline] [video=youtube;0oBx7Jg4m-o]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oBx7Jg4m-o&ab_channel=ASIDs[/video]

[QUOTE=Rossy167;49664279] [B]Also, So I'm bolding this because its a kind of unrelated question: Anyone have any idea what SEN needs social, E means? [/B] Only because I got a glimpse of my file (I'm sixth form, year 13, that's 17/18 years old) and apparently I'm that. Idk what it is, but I'm a very extroverted person, I have no real trouble making people laugh and stuff.[/QUOTE] SEN is Special Educational Needs but 'needs social, E' I dunno. I'm guessing it's specifying you are capable of being with other students but the 'E' part I'm not sure. I wanna guess it means or relates to Emotional, though

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49668778]Was just too nervous. Kept fucking words up, stuttering. I filled out the paperwork wrong and made a bad first impression that way. I had a hard time describing how I feel and I kept locking up and being unable to speak. I can't do anything right, goddamn.[/QUOTE] You didn't fuck it up. They will still learn something from that and you will ease up with time. Remember to breathe, as in take time slow down and take biiiiiiiiig deep breaths. This isn't the end, don't worry! Its been one session and the scariest part has passed. I assure you, it'll be okay. If they don't work out, that's on them not doing their job and not on you.

[QUOTE=Catscratch;49669457]SEN is Special Educational Needs but 'needs social, E' I dunno. I'm guessing it's specifying you are capable of being with other students but the 'E' part I'm not sure. I wanna guess it means or relates to Emotional, though[/QUOTE] Couldn't find anything in those links you sent me (thanks though), I guess it's just that the school know I'm depressed. I do know that they know, I get a lot more leniency because of it (and those who think that's unfair can fuck right off) and I'm pretty sure I was legally required to inform the school anyway because I'm on meds.

... My step dad cheated on my mom and is now playing the "blame game" and trying to turn it on my mom, he also said "it's a joke! relax! you're paranoid and insecure!" meanwhile my mother is having a panick attack sobbing uncontrollably. When I tried to tell her not to let my step dad treat her like that, she slammed the door on me. I feel guilty for leaving now. I feel guilty for what my step dad is doing. He's screamed at me before and said things like "ITS YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR PARENTS DIVORCED!" to me. "ITS YOUR FAULT YOU WERE PICKED ON IN SCHOOL! YOU YOU YOU! YOUR FAULT!" This man is insane, I recently found out he has weed hidden behind his bed. (really shitty weed btw) I can't believe he's brought drugs into our house. I'm going to rob his drug money before I leave as a way to say "fuck you for hurting me and my mom." But there's nothing else I can do, mom's an adult and will figure it out for herself. I wish I knew what was going on. [editline]4th February 2016[/editline] There's undeniable evidence of my step dad cheating on my mom. His search history has craigslist casual encounters (he's searching for a woman) and he's been textign this old girl he used to know... He's also looking at massive amounts of porn.

it always hurts when I think of my old buddy that I had on the internet. I don't think I really saw how much he meant to me in the moment but when I think back at it? he was all I had while I was isolated and alone. he covered my social needs enough to make life bearable when I had nothing else. it was a great relation to have. I'll never know for sure, but I can imagine myself being a lot worse off today if he never popped up. I notice that I always react ever so slightly when I see him in my friends list on Steam. he still has his dedicated spot on the top of my list. it hurts. I can clearly feel that I miss the guy, pains me to think that our last conversation, or rather my last word to him, was a simple "hello". this was in September, never heard from him again. he kind of disappeared. I suppose luckily for me this was the period where I finally started to get better again so I imagine I was able to deal with it better compared to where I was, in isolation. even though I never met the guy face to face as he's not norwegian like I am, he is the best friend I've had in years and compared to the people I am with now, he still was the best friend. I really wonder where he is today and what he's doing with his life right now. thinking of him and writing all of this nearly gets my eyes watering, I miss him. I miss having a best friend who you know are there, someone you can often talk to and so on. a part of me really hopes he reads this since that means he'll know what I'm thinking. maybe he would come back :cry:

Being in that area of conversation: for the benefit of me, PredGD and probably a bunch of lurkers. How do you go about reconnecting with somebody you ended up disconnected from? Just a simple "hi" doesn't suffice in by books. Especially as a person who has been messaged out of the blue with just "hi" and knows how off putting that can be. I mean this girl that's messaging me has nothing to say to me and I have nothing to say to her but she keeps on persisting. Anyways different story all together. Just how do you reconnect with an old friend? I remember a friend of mine who I hadn't spoken to in months after he moved away messaged me on Facebook making an inside joke, but I can't really think of anything that would apply to this particular person without any context.

Fuck Kaiser Permanente. I have adhd, anxiety, and possibly depression. My correspondence with my psychiatrist is effectively limited to "do you need more pills?". They offer no one on one therapy-- just group therapy, and I simply can't get myself to attend something like that. But this isn't why I'm pissed at Kaiser, although it really is making my treatment suffer. My psychiatrist went on an unannounced leave with no replacement and no indication of when they would be back. For three months I had no psychiatrist, which meant nobody could change my medication. A week before my psychiatrist vanished, I asked to try a different ADHD medication. Two weeks in, I realized it wasn't working, so I tried to contact my psych, only to find they were gone. That was four months ago. I only last week got ahold of them again-- and I had to find that out myself, because there was no announcement when she returned. In the meantime, my grades have plummeted and my mental state is a wreck. I can't get myself moving in the morning. I can't focus on anything. I hate myself and I feel trapped in a fucking nightmare. I missed my classes for two weeks in a row because I couldn't convince myself to even get up. I'm failing in classes that should be simple for me and I can't even organize my thoughts enough to fix this hole that I'm in. I'm one fucking quarter from graduating and it's all going down the fucking tube. I told my psychiatrist this and they asked for a phone meeting... Next week. It'll probably be a half hour long thing and as usual I'll end up with a pile of pills of whatever flavor of the month Kaiser is trying to push. Fuck Kaiser. Oh yeah--this isn't the first time my psychiatrist has vanished for months at a time. Last time I tried going to the psychiatry office to get a psych to change my prescriptions. Nobody wanted to touch me and it took several hours to get one of them to do anything at all. This time I tried to get my psychiatrist switched and they refused to do that there, and instead the secretary tried to redirect me to a phone call for someone who I'm pretty sure was in the fucking building.

[QUOTE=Itszutak;49672888]Fuck Kaiser Permanente. I have adhd, anxiety, and possibly depression. My correspondence with my psychiatrist is effectively limited to "do you need more pills?". They offer no one on one therapy-- just group therapy, and I simply can't get myself to attend something like that. But this isn't why I'm pissed at Kaiser, although it really is making my treatment suffer. My psychiatrist went on an unannounced leave with no replacement and no indication of when they would be back. For three months I had no psychiatrist, which meant nobody could change my medication. A week before my psychiatrist vanished, I asked to try a different ADHD medication. Two weeks in, I realized it wasn't working, so I tried to contact my psych, only to find they were gone. That was four months ago. I only last week got ahold of them again-- and I had to find that out myself, because there was no announcement when she returned. In the meantime, my grades have plummeted and my mental state is a wreck. I can't get myself moving in the morning. I can't focus on anything. I hate myself and I feel trapped in a fucking nightmare. I missed my classes for two weeks in a row because I couldn't convince myself to even get up. I'm failing in classes that should be simple for me and I can't even organize my thoughts enough to fix this hole that I'm in. I'm one fucking quarter from graduating and it's all going down the fucking tube. I told my psychiatrist this and they asked for a phone meeting... Next week. It'll probably be a half hour long thing and as usual I'll end up with a pile of pills of whatever flavor of the month Kaiser is trying to push. Fuck Kaiser. Oh yeah--this isn't the first time my psychiatrist has vanished for months at a time. Last time I tried going to the psychiatry office to get a psych to change my prescriptions. Nobody wanted to touch me and it took several hours to get one of them to do anything at all. This time I tried to get my psychiatrist switched and they refused to do that there, and instead the secretary tried to redirect me to a phone call for someone who I'm pretty sure was in the fucking building.[/QUOTE] I had the same problem with them. My antidepressants were murdering my GI tract and I needed to switch to something else, but I couldn't get an appointment with my psychiatrist for like 3 months and it was endless bullshit so I just started weaning myself off the antidepressants. I'll probably end up going again soon and possibly finding another psych. Lately most of my coping methods have done squat and my motivation has been gone since I've been going to the nursing home every day to visit my grandmother. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard if I hadn't been there to watch my grandfather go through it when I was a kid and see him with Alzheimer's so bad he forgot who I was. Its so goddamn depressing to sit in a nursing home and hear patients screaming, yelling, and pleading for release. It brings back all the horrible memories I have of that part of my life. I feel completely useless at this point, I can't help her at all, except to come see her and help cheer her up, but most days she's so depressed and I'm so depressed we just piss eachother off and it makes everything worse. There is going to come a point where I just can't do it anymore. I just hope she comes home before one of us loses it. The whole situation is really hard on my family, everyone is overburdened, depressed, and irritable. It makes it hard to even be around them. Usually they help me get through it, but it just hurts more to see them like this.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49671655]... My step dad cheated on my mom and is now playing the "blame game" and trying to turn it on my mom, he also said "it's a joke! relax! you're paranoid and insecure!" meanwhile my mother is having a panick attack sobbing uncontrollably. When I tried to tell her not to let my step dad treat her like that, she slammed the door on me. I feel guilty for leaving now. I feel guilty for what my step dad is doing. He's screamed at me before and said things like "ITS YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR PARENTS DIVORCED!" to me. "ITS YOUR FAULT YOU WERE PICKED ON IN SCHOOL! YOU YOU YOU! YOUR FAULT!" This man is insane, I recently found out he has weed hidden behind his bed. (really shitty weed btw) I can't believe he's brought drugs into our house. I'm going to rob his drug money before I leave as a way to say "fuck you for hurting me and my mom." But there's nothing else I can do, mom's an adult and will figure it out for herself. I wish I knew what was going on. [editline]4th February 2016[/editline] There's undeniable evidence of my step dad cheating on my mom. His search history has craigslist casual encounters (he's searching for a woman) and he's been textign this old girl he used to know... He's also looking at massive amounts of porn.[/QUOTE] Breakups and divorces are hard when you're a teenager, I've been in a similar position myself. You'll pull through, it can only get better. The most your mom can do is find a better man. [editline]4th February 2016[/editline] Anyone have advice on talking to women? Getting through high school without a girlfriend is taking a toll on me, I just feel like I'd be a lot happier with a relationship.

You talk to them like they're normal people because they are. Idk. Just start a conversation as you would with anyone, honestly. If you're in class with someone you're interested in, just ask them if they did the homework or if they like the teacher. If it's at lunch, just sit nearby, say hello. If you're at the mall, strike up a conversation with a girl nearby by saying that the clothes she's looking at look pretty cool. There's tons of ways to talk to women. Don't be daunted just because they're a different sex. Just don't bother women who seem occupied with something like a book or work or if they are clearly closed off and wanting private time. As long as you don't do that, you'll probably be fine.

[QUOTE=LTJGPliskin;49673788] Anyone have advice on talking to women? Getting through high school without a girlfriend is taking a toll on me, I just feel like I'd be a lot happier with a relationship.[/QUOTE] the way I see it, you want to talk to women to enter a relationship. personally, I don't think that's a good way of looking at things. from my own experience whenever I go looking for a relationship or try really hard to find a new friend, I just end up getting frustrated and annoyed since it doesn't happen fast enough. that's true too, finding someone you get along with is not something you go looking for, it's something that just happens. [editline]5th February 2016[/editline] and as Pascall said to about talking to women in general, don't stress it too much. women are human too, just like us! I recognize the uncertainty of talking to women as I lacked a lot of experience with it too in my very early teens, but nowadays women are just people in my eyes like they should be. they're not special, there's millions of them, just like there's millions of men.

Just found out that my youngest Aunt has a lump on her breast. Dunno if it's breast cancer or not yet, she'll have that checked out tomorrow. Things just keep getting worse and worse...

[QUOTE=Pascall;49673826]You talk to them like they're normal people because they are. Idk. Just start a conversation as you would with anyone, honestly. If you're in class with someone you're interested in, just ask them if they did the homework or if they like the teacher. If it's at lunch, just sit nearby, say hello. If you're at the mall, strike up a conversation with a girl nearby by saying that the clothes she's looking at look pretty cool. There's tons of ways to talk to women. Don't be daunted just because they're a different sex. Just don't bother women who seem occupied with something like a book or work or if they are clearly closed off and wanting private time. As long as you don't do that, you'll probably be fine.[/QUOTE] My main problem is that I don't know how to start a conversation. It's just so awkward for me. It's even harder if I try to talk to a girl that I don't have a class with.

[QUOTE=LTJGPliskin;49673883]My main problem is that I don't know how to start a conversation. It's just so awkward for me. It's even harder if I try to talk to a girl that I don't have a class with.[/QUOTE] Hello, my name is Winter. How are you?

[QUOTE=LTJGPliskin;49673883]My main problem is that I don't know how to start a conversation. It's just so awkward for me. It's even harder if I try to talk to a girl that I don't have a class with.[/QUOTE] It gets easier the more you do it. Over the summer I worked at a ballpark as a ticket-taker sort of person, but I also tried to socialize with the customers as they went through the line. I started the summer dreading it and being terrified of starting conversation- I'm fine once it gets rolling, and making friends is fairly easy for me, but holy fuck is starting conversation terrifying. The secret is to be genuine, because if you stumble a little bit no ones gonna mind too much. Usually, "hello, I'm (so and so), how are you?" works. If you're in school, ask about the homework or something if it makes it easier idk. I ended up saying hi+morewords a fuckload through the day- at the end of the year I had scanned 45,000 tickets meaning I probably started conversation ~15-20k times. But honestly, it got easier after even the first few days. It was just my first few tries that were really stressful. So keep it simple, and just try it. Talking to people outside class can be a bit odd, but not terrifically so. Don't build this huge gulf of "talking to girls", you're just talking to people. Think of them as people, not purely objects of pursuit [editline]4th February 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Daysofwinter;49673919]Hello, my name is Winter. How are you?[/QUOTE] Hi I'm paindoc welcome to the ballpark can I see your tickets please? thanks. how are you guys doing? good da- wait fuck

I start conversations all the time with random people in class. Sometimes it catches and sometimes it doesn't. Idk it just comes with trial and error. You're not gonna have MIND BLOWING conversations with everyone all the time. Sometimes people will just be not feeling it and that's fine. As long as you're not being creepy, no one's gonna judge you for being a little shy.

I had a conversation with my doctor today and I mentioned how I might be moving away, this doctor was my doctor since I was 4 years old, so she's watched me grow up, It was weird to me. It almost made me sad.

the highlight of my days is when I see myself in the mirror and see someone I like. I don't mean I love myself so much and that I'm an amazing person, I'm just so happy about my weight. 17.5kg's has been lost and I weigh less than I've weighed in years. right now my body fat percentage is most likely at the lowest it has ever been and that makes me so happy. it makes me see a person I like when I see myself in the mirror. always been that fat kid, always been mocked for it and even bullied for it. its been a great source of discomfort and it's disappearing? wow. it does pain me a lot when the weight doesn't seem to bulge, and it's a huge defeat when I go over my calorie limit. I feel like I'm not punishing myself enough and that I'm not strict enough. I also updated my goals on MyFitnessPal and apparently my calorie limit is drastically reduced. might be the reason why I've had some issues losing this weight recently. it's not that reduced even if I implied it, it's just 220 calories but that makes a huge difference if you ask me when I'm already tight on this calorie budget. [editline]5th February 2016[/editline] I was thinking of going out to buy some new clothes. I imagine it's easier to find something I'm comfortable with wearing when almost 20kg are gone since last time I shopped.