Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

Funeral I mentioned earlier was yesterday afternoon. After I met with and hugged my late friend's family, I took one last look at his face. He looked so natural I half expected him to wake up right there. It all began to sank in that it was all real. That he was really gone. At the cemetery everyone took turns shoveling earth into the grave. Everyone working together to say goodbye. It's what he would've wanted.

That "best friend" I've posted so fucking much about in this thread hates me for real this time because apparently I was too annoying and he couldn't handle it any more. He has to do it when he knows I've been on full on suicidal depressed breaking down crying every couple of hours which just makes everything ten times fucking worse. every time i get close to someone i just eventually end up losing them somehow it feels like im just not meant to get close to anyone and / or feel lonely for the rest of my life. Been treated like complete shit by everyone my whole life, I'm always doing the wrong thing all the time as well it feels. Education wise it looks like my future is going to be complete fucking shit probably going to be stuck working some shitty minimum wage job for the rest of my life but that's only if I'm capable of getting a job cause my social anxiety is that bad I can't get some simple part time job. I'm fucking terrible at the moment, get enjoyment from nothing, feels like forever since I actually last smiled and I doubt that'll change any time soon. Why the fuck can't I just get the balls to jump in front of a fucking train or some shit fuck holy fuck i was turbo depressed when i wrote this lmao

Next semester at uni starts second next monday. I hope I can crawl out of my skin and start talking with people, because in the previous one I seldom opened my mouth (except only when I ate or someone asked me). Ex-highschool friends circle barely contact me (it is only I who initiates conversation on facebook) and we don't go out lately like we used to a year ago. It's like old things fade away as we progress through time and space and have to find new things if we don't want to be left alone. Even if I love the university despite slipping on a lot of classes (due to not hard learning and giving up while I deeply love the girl who doesn't reciprocate the feelings), the loneliness kills me slowly. I have been lazy through my life as things were somewhat easy, but now I don't know how I will make the shift to do shit right now. I have to learn, and have to apply the studied principles in my life, what's holding me back?

more anxiety. more insomnia. the situation with the family is a bit better I guess, but I still can't help but feel something is wrong. my nieces are safe, but my sister is still in jail. i dunno if we're gonna move to another house or not anymore. i don't really care. i just want to feel good again. about anything.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49687605]I've got some scary pent up anger and violence in me that I can't get out unless I do kickboxing or something, but there's no space in my room or house to excersize. I'd do a shitload of sit ups or push ups and use the fuel that way but there's no space... no gyms that I can afford...[/QUOTE] Half your problems concerning money is not you fault. The world is going into the shitter and changing. The idea and norm of "get a job and get paid" is going bye bye and being replaced with something different. Best you can do is adapt. The other half is due to having limited thinking. Your situation is not new. Go to the library and look up history. The past is littered with people who were in the same situation. Look them up and see if you can get ideas from them. If I were in the same situation, I would figure out what I need to do to earn an income. Right now it is tax time. Go study up on tax code. Learn how to do taxes. Learn how to code and program. Heck, I would go on Khan academy, learn some things, then hire myself out as a tutor on craigs list. Heck if you go teach yourself something, and try to be self employed with it, that may be something that impresses an employer. That gives the impression of a self starter. Very desirable. Into MA? What do you think about boxing? Go find a sponsor. Make some money that way. Hey make tutorial and put it on youtube. Show us what you got. Into outdoor activities? Write a blog about it or join a local environmental protection group. That may lead to employment. You re gay? Join a local gay rights activism group and network. If all else fails, bullshit your way to the top. I once knew a guy who couldnt get a job as a trucker due to not having a year's experience. So what he did was got a truck dirt cheap, drove it all over and put that down as experience. It worked. If you really need references, I'm sure some people here willing to help you with this. As for a place to stay? Try women shelters or shelters for the abused.

[QUOTE=Daysofwinter;49691051]Half your problems concerning money is not you fault. The world is going into the shitter and changing. The idea and norm of "get a job and get paid" is going bye bye and being replaced with something different. Best you can do is adapt. The other half is due to having limited thinking. Your situation is not new. Go to the library and look up history. The past is littered with people who were in the same situation. Look them up and see if you can get ideas from them. If I were in the same situation, I would figure out what I need to do to earn an income. Right now it is tax time. Go study up on tax code. Learn how to do taxes. Learn how to code and program. Heck, I would go on Khan academy, learn some things, then hire myself out as a tutor on craigs list. Heck if you go teach yourself something, and try to be self employed with it, that may be something that impresses an employer. That gives the impression of a self starter. Very desirable. Into MA? What do you think about boxing? Go find a sponsor. Make some money that way. Hey make tutorial and put it on youtube. Show us what you got. Into outdoor activities? Write a blog about it or join a local environmental protection group. That may lead to employment. You re gay? Join a local gay rights activism group and network. If all else fails, bullshit your way to the top. I once knew a guy who couldnt get a job as a trucker due to not having a year's experience. So what he did was got a truck dirt cheap, drove it all over and put that down as experience. It worked. If you really need references, I'm sure some people here willing to help you with this. As for a place to stay? Try women shelters or shelters for the abused.[/QUOTE] I really like the idea of sharpening up my kickboxing skills (and boxing) and finding a sponsor. And the truck driving thing that's really interesting. Thank you this has all been really helpful.

Yeah the guy bought a big rig. A really cheap junker. Used it to travel back and forth to his job searches, school, to pick up groceries, ect. Put it all in his log. Learned how to maintain it too. After the year was up, he went for interviews. The looks on the interviewers' face was priceless. Technically he did have experience but it wasn't on the job experience. They were hesitant to hire him at first but would always get a call back. As for the ideas, no problem. Only recently you were freaking out because you thought you had no options. Now you are calmer because you realize there are more options Like I said, maybe its time to Employ out of box thinking. The key way to do that is find people who are great at it. Form relationships with people who think out of box regularly and it will rub off on you. If you cannot find such people, read some the history books and look up people who are perfect examples of that. As for your housing situation, maybe volunteering at your local park isn't such a bad idea. You won't get paid, but you be away from your house for extended periods of time, doing something I believe you would like. Which is a plus.

it's so annoying when I start thinking of how nothing really has a purpose. I've vented about it so many times and it's just as annoying as the first time I experienced it. everything feels so arbitrary and made up, constructed by society. I don't think the world should be run any different since it works like this and I have no better suggestions, but there's something bothering me with how things work. forgetting the fact that money and time for example are made up by humans, this is a fact that doesn't bother me that much, but what bothers me is how we have no purpose at the core. there's no end game. there's no finale. okay, you have someone close, but who cares? it serves no purpose other than personal satisfaction. you have money, but yet again, just personal satisfaction. I feel like we're run on being satisfied, and aren't we that too? everyone pursues satisfaction and happiness, that's pretty much peoples goal, but then you realize that pursuing satisfaction and happiness is actually incredibly meaningless. sure, you'll be happy, but who really cares? does it matter? you can have sex and that satisfaction doesn't last for very long. you can play games and that too expires fast. then when you think of long term satisfaction, that too isn't as long term as you might think in my eyes. you don't do one thing one day and end up happy for the rest of your life, no, you gotta keep it going. as soon as you stop, the satisfaction and happiness stops. life in my eyes is the pursuit of happiness and satisfaction but that's a rather meaningless life if you ask me. it doesn't give any results other than your happiness in the moment

man I really want february to end. can't wait for my sad birthday in a couple days to sit alone lately I've been finding myself feeling like I've wasted everything and there's no purpose for me waking up in the morning I'm just going to go out and shit the day away I really don't know how to be happy by myself

I find happiness by learning something new or teaching myself something new.

[QUOTE=Dick Slamfist;49692386]man I really want february to end. can't wait for my sad birthday in a couple days to sit alone lately I've been finding myself feeling like I've wasted everything and there's no purpose for me waking up in the morning I'm just going to go out and shit the day away I really don't know how to be happy by myself[/QUOTE] u got me bby

how do i get over a near-constant sense of worthlessness and learned helplessness

ooooh boy my friend is in a call with that asshole again ... without me... because i called out that asshole and now they're shit talking me again kill my fucking self.

[QUOTE=Levithan;49694634]how do i get over a near-constant sense of worthlessness and learned helplessness[/QUOTE] I'm trying to figure that one out myself. The helplessness I guess can be learned by forcing your self to rely on your self. The former? No idea.

I seriously need to figure out how to distance myself from people who I thought cared about me. They care about me, but not as much as I cared about them over the years and that's absolutely heart wrenching. I cannot stay in this dirty moldey ghetto apartment closet bedroom with my asshole family. But I can't go to my friends place because she's going to constantly have beef with me.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49694967]I seriously need to figure out how to distance myself from people who I thought cared about me. They care about me, but not as much as I cared about them over the years and that's absolutely heart wrenching. I cannot stay in this dirty moldey ghetto apartment closet bedroom with my asshole family. But I can't go to my friends place because she's going to constantly have beef with me.[/QUOTE] If you think about any option long enough you will find some rationalization why it might be bad. If you go to your friends things might not work out, sure, but at least you will have a change of scenery - new job market. You don't know anything for sure, the most you can do is just explain your situation to her, and hope she can be there for you.

i feel like something is physically eating away at my body [editline]8th February 2016[/editline] it's not painful but i feel like i have less mass every day

over thinking isn't fun at all. I got a snap earlier of some art project. it was some clay formed as a your average alien face with defined cheeks where she wrote "monkey alien" and some emojis. figured I'd respond with "hahaha beautiful" which I wasn't expecting a reply to, but she wrote "thank you :)" later which I kind of interpreted as negative? it seemed a little care or that she wasn't that interested in hearing from me. I don't know. I can sort of see two sides, why would she even bother replying or sending that snap in the first place if she had no interest in talking with me or seeking contact? on the other hand, the reply to me could be a way of obviously telling me she's not interested in contact but then the question of why she even bothered to send the first snap arises if that's correct. I'm really over thinking this like I do with everything. it's so hard to really justify not doing it since I feel like I need it even if situations like these pop up. I'm afraid if I stop over thinking (which probably won't happen since how do I stop it?) I won't be able to see legit things I actually should be bothered by. that I won't see it when people actually want to cut contact. eh [editline]8th February 2016[/editline] I love reflecting on things and reading people. as a result this over analyzing also takes place but what can I do about that.

still feeling the emotional backlash of my uncle's death. idk if im grieving or what but im sleeping more and my motivation to go to class is waning very heavily. and mentions of death do nothing but make me more upset and uncomfortable. i've had too many family deaths in my life to count but instead of hitting me all at once now, they're like ticking timebombs that fuck me up at the most inopportune time idk what to do tbh

This "friend" of mine is letting someone else decide if I am welcome to her place, she is letting that fat australian asshole, the one who hates me, decide if I am welcome down there. Honestly I want to fucking kill myself and I was so close to overdosing on benadryl last night. I took five last night and wanted to take a shitoad more but I didn't because I'm too scared to. [editline]8th February 2016[/editline] If im not welcome there I'm resheduling a plane ticket to go to cali and sell myself. Because I need money.

I dont know enough about the world but I've been taking Prozac since I was about 12 years old and I've been off of it for about a year and a half because I'm an idiot and I subsituted a girlfriend for meds because I'm dumb I'm back on them now and I swear to god I'm actually worse than I was before, I've been spending more and more of my days cooped up and uninterested in school or friends anymore I can't tell if it's meds or just the timing of being close to my birthday / Valentine's day and all that

honestly what's the point of living past age 25? I'm not going to graduate college, I've given up on that because it's way too much bullshit to deal with. So I'm not going to be working in a successful job. My relatives will be disappointed in me, and I'll probably not get any help from them because they'll think I'm a lazy piece of shit. I'm going to be stuck in this shitty, polluted garbage heap of a town because I won't have the money to move anywhere else. I'll never be able to attain any of my goals (visit other countries, live in a nice apartment in the city), so my life is just going to be disappointment and shit. Is there legitimately a good reason not to kill myself before having to deal with all of that?

[QUOTE=Xenophobia;49699692] Because despite what everyone says, it isn't going to get better.[/QUOTE] There that's all the fuel I need. Maybe a few years of living dangerously will get me results fast.

it makes me sad to see to see you guys giving up hope, it really does. I want to say that it'll get better, but it's incredibly cliche and I have nothing that can back it up. what I will say is what I've experienced. I spent the majority of 2014 and almost all of 2013 as well in isolation. in 2013 it wasn't as bad as I went to school, but I was all alone when there was no school. in late 2013 I quit school and ended up completely isolated until September 2014. I had given up all hope, I had no hope things would get better at all. then I was put in a hospital for the mentally ill and I got better! not perfect, still lots of issues, but it was progress. then I got really ill again, then I got well again, then I moved to a new hospital and got really, really ill again, and then I was kicked out and ended up being so, so happy. October to December has been the happiest two months of my life, better than I've ever felt. it has gone downhill again, but that's not my point. speaking from my own experience, I know it's possible to get better and that's why I want to say, it will get better for you guys as well as long as you don't lose hope. I was at rock bottom, I was all alone for over a year, I had nothing. no education, no social circle, no job, no money, nothing. somehow I got out of it even if it's not over yet, but there's progress. this is what I tell myself and others when I or my friends feel down. I / they HAVE had a point in their life where things have been good. try to think about that, why can't you go back there? I managed, even surpassed how good things used to be. you know it's possible to be happy even though it might not be within reach right now, but you know what it's like, you have experienced it, it can come back

So I've decided not to stay here with my family. My life has been narrowed down to two decisions. Unfortunatley my desicions have equal pros and cons, and I have limited time to make this desicion, and it's all up to my friend now. Option A.) If my friend lets me move in with her, I have to rely on her for help. However, she is very distant from me after all that happened and we won't ever be the same. Things are unstable but I may get my leg up and find a job down there. There is a slim chance I could be stranded with no friends. It's a little safer than option B. Option B.) Change the ticket for free and fly to cali to become a stripper. Live dangerously for a few years but be financially set off and independant. However there is a big risk, a much higher chance I could be killed or raped or not make much money at all and be stranded. Option C.) is to kill myself.

[QUOTE=Xenophobia;49700302]I appreciate your effort, and if I was a different person your words might even have helped. But hope? What do I have to be hopeful for? The problems I previously listed mostly comes down to one thing and thats money. But on the off chance that I solved that problem, I still wouldn't be happy. I just can't bring myself to be hopeful for something I don't really want in the first place. My idea of a happy life is unrealistic for the world we live in right now. It was even before I knew what my meaning of true happiness was, and it will always be. I don't care to chase for short term happiness and I have no way to actually achieve my true happiness. So hope? No, I already gave up hope years ago.[/QUOTE] we share a pretty similar view on happiness and life. I don't think I can be happy in life as the things I want are simply not possible. going to work everyday, always pursuing those short term mood boosts like games, movies, being with people and so on. these are things I don't want in life and contribute to my unhappiness, but what is there to do about it? these are things you must do and that alone is a thing that drags me down. I wish I could come with some supportive words or any idea of what you could try, but I feel like we're in the same boat regarding happiness. I don't know what to do about it either

[QUOTE=Xenophobia;49699692]Are you me? I was going to write up my own WoT with pretty much every point you had. I'm 22 with no chance of getting into college, living alone in a small apartment I can't pay for, my parents threw me out, I have no skills or experiences so getting a job is pretty much out of the picture and I have no chance of living out my dreams. Imo, there isn't going to be a turning point. I've tried everything I can do and have gained nothing from it. If i weren't such a chicken-shit I would have killed myself. Because despite what everyone says, it isn't going to get better.[/QUOTE] Like I said to some one else, you're giving up because you feel you are out of options when really there may be much more that you are over looking. In my case, I am truly screwed over and hopeless. You ain't there. [QUOTE] If im not welcome there I'm resheduling a plane ticket to go to cali and sell myself. Because I need money.[/QUOTE] You didn't go to the library did you? I m not sure which is worse. Selling myself or teaching myself Spanish to open up more job opportunities.

All I can say is that happiness isn't a badge you get and keep. Happiness is a fleeting thing that many, many, people have racked their brains over. It is something felt in a short moment when you see your dog spin around when it sees you, or when you enjoy the beauty of a flower, or when you work towards a goal, however small, and achieve it, etc. Happiness is more of a word than an objective state of mind. Unless you are an omnipotent god, life will always fail to live up to your expectations. Suffering is everywhere, it is one of the basic conditions of this life. The trick is to realize that no matter what you do, you will always find something to be dissatisfied with. With that knowlege, as shitty as it sounds, you can begin to feel the relief of letting go of impossible wants and desires. This really isn't any different than missing an ex and wishing that you can get back together even though you can't. The trick isn't to find some magical way to make everything happen exactly the way you want, but rather to adjust your expectations so that you can actually achieve them. I'm not buddhist, but they do have a lot of great insights. Want neccesarily begets dissapointment in some form, and dissapointment begets suffering. How do you not suffer? You pay attention to what you want - and better yet, not want anything, but rather take life as the strange ephemeral thing that it is. I'm not some kind of guru, I just find that looking critically at what I want, and realizing that things are WAY shittier for other people, has helped me a lot. I still feel sad often, but now that sadness tastes more like the vegetables on a dinner plate than like being force-fed in Guantanamo. As far as education goes: Don't let that stop you. You live in the most technological age in known human history. You don't need a degree, you just need confidence enough in yourself to convince an employer that you can do the job. The job market where I am is really good, so I can't comment on that, but if you can find a place where there are jobs, I am confident you can set your mind to it and achieve it.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49699742]There that's all the fuel I need. Maybe a few years of living dangerously will get me results fast.[/QUOTE] I've met a few people like this, early bad luck and lived high risk to get out - they have the best stories to tell. Just always hang in there.

[QUOTE=Zenreon117;49700638]All I can say is that happiness isn't a badge you get and keep. Happiness is a fleeting thing that many, many, people have racked their brains over. It is something felt in a short moment when you see your dog spin around when it sees you, or when you enjoy the beauty of a flower, or when you work towards a goal, however small, and achieve it, etc. Happiness is more of a word than an objective state of mind. [/QUOTE] realizing [I]this[/I] is pretty much as good as it gets for anyone is pretty depressing too to be honest half of my issues would be fixed if my family could stop ragging me about education and jobs and shit. I understand that they're worried and don't understand my way of thinking, that's fine, but they should get ready to accept it when I haven't changed my mind in 10 years