Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

So my dad and stepmother are kicking me out because she cannot look at me without having a hysterical fit. I've been living in their house for almost two years and am about to finish my course in July. The problem is that I cannot drop from my course now and move away, not only because I'm doing so well and it's almost over but because it's financed and if I drop out I will be liable for the costs and in deep debt. I'm trying to find a place to live but for the mean time I am constantly afraid every day because of the threats I get, that I will come home from school to find that they've put all my stuff, clothes and computer out on the street. Everyday I get screamed at at home and threatened and I'm afraid to even do anything like use their cutlery or anything they own so I avoid eating. The worst thing is she used to be so nice to me and this is so sudden that I've started to distrust almost everyone who acts nice to me. It's messing with my head. When anyone asks me about how things are going or just makes small talk I immediately get reminded of her and feel afraid. So I distance myself from everyone and the only person I have any interaction with is my boyfriend, who lives far away. Feels like I'm going crazy.

[QUOTE=IJNOMED;49720543]Holy fuck and just when I thought life couldn't kick me in the teeth any harder... [B][I]Grandfather got in a car wreck this morning and I had to visit him in the hospital so I had to wake up fucking early to go see him. Not only that but I found out my dads side of the family poisoned me when I was a baby and tried to kill my mom. My dad might not even be my real dad. The man who was my mom's ex was a cocaine using person who inherited a fuckton of money and dumped my mom, my mom met my "dad" but I was born before they met or some shit. Holy shit what the fuck I need a fucking shotgun to the face right now. I didn't need my mom to drop all this shit on me.[/I][/B] What the fuck? God? Are you for fucking real?[/QUOTE] Yes it's fucked up to the core and I know a similar example of a ex-classmate like that. Thing is, you are alive and the bullshit past is behind everyone. People do stupid/inappropriate shit all the time which is infinite unlike the universe, and I don't ask you to forgive anyone, but certainly knowing you live in a shithole with shitpeople, you shouldn't give any fuck by now. I would help you get out of this place and live somewhere else far away from them no questions needed, but I live in the European Commonwealth so it would quickly get expensive and unachievable right now :garryspin:

I think I'm experiencing something that I can only describe as an existential crisis. It began about one week ago. I don't really know or remember what caused it, but it must've been something that slowly but surely came to my awareness. Essentially, I became fully aware of my own mortality, and I realized it as a problem that awaits me in the future. Sure, my death might yet be far away, but it's going to arrive one way or another. And I cannot accept that. As a result, I subconciously want to fix the problem, full-well knowing that I can change nothing about it. That simple fact, that I have no control about my fate, makes me feel completely helpless and utterly scared. I can't stop worrying about it no matter what I do, I can't distract myself with anything, be it happy or sad things, or even by keeping myself busy with work. Every single time I see news about someone dying, or if I see an otherwise funny image that has death as its topic, it all comes rushing back, even after I slept over it. It's like some primal fear was awakened inside of me, and it will never leave me alone.

Ironically I keep having little breakdowns over being such an anxious, depressed wreck It's like your computer, right? Sometimes it malfunctions. That's fine and normal. But if it's doing it so much that it's unusable, you have to fix it or get it fixed. If that doesn't work you get a new one. but I can't get a new me! and I don't think I can be fixed I don't know how to keep going. I've promised so many people I'll stay alive but I'm just staying in pain so they won't be hurt, I can't do that forever, one day it's just going to be too much and I'll break my promise. I don't want to hurt so many people so badly but I just have to

Wow what a day. My life fell apart and I was kicked out. But at least my friend said she really wants me to live with her. So I'm so goddamn thankful for that. Now I have to wait 14 days. And get my stuff back.

[QUOTE=Doom64hunter;49721427]I think I'm experiencing something that I can only describe as an existential crisis. It began about one week ago. I don't really know or remember what caused it, but it must've been something that slowly but surely came to my awareness. Essentially, I became fully aware of my own mortality, and I realized it as a problem that awaits me in the future. Sure, my death might yet be far away, but it's going to arrive one way or another. And I cannot accept that. As a result, I subconciously want to fix the problem, full-well knowing that I can change nothing about it. That simple fact, that I have no control about my fate, makes me feel completely helpless and utterly scared. I can't stop worrying about it no matter what I do, I can't distract myself with anything, be it happy or sad things, or even by keeping myself busy with work. Every single time I see news about someone dying, or if I see an otherwise funny image that has death as its topic, it all comes rushing back, even after I slept over it. It's like some primal fear was awakened inside of me, and it will never leave me alone.[/QUOTE] I've been there. It also doesn't help in the bigger scheme of things, nothing you do will matter any ways. We are on a small blue dot in vast nothing which will eventually succumb to heat death of the universe.

Life feels like a dream. A shit one where all you want to do is wake up, but a dream nonetheless.

[QUOTE=NixNax123;49719846]How do you guys deal with having anxiety around someone you're trying to form a relationship with? Has anyone ever had an event where they have an absolute breakdown over something stupid, and then worry the next day that they won't be as into you anymore just because you were overly dramatic about something? [/QUOTE] Short answer, yes. Long answers, You must view it from your perspective and the other persons perspective. I seem to have paranoia issues and negative thoughts such as "this person didn't like it when you did this" or "this person got annoyed with you and bored and is reaching for someone else" It's not like this and you don't have to live like that. Understand that most people, unless actually in a relationship, want some space and distance away from each other. Considering I had nobody else to really talk to too much, he was the only one. Yet I kept remind myself "He is in fact actually busy and talks to a few other people besides me. Distance, people, work, financial and family aid are all things he must take action to." It's important to have an unbiased conception when it comes to anxiety or negative thoughts. Sometimes getting for distance at a particular time may come off as "wow they want to ignore and leave me" when it's really just "I have to get this paper in" or "I want to be alone for a bit". I've had break downs in the past and eventually grew and learned from them and studied as to why I would feel such a way, and attempted to resolve it and to an extent, worked things out. Sometimes I still come with these bad thoughts, but it's much easier to push away once you know the truth of things. To take things slow and [B]not[/B] over analyse every action they say or do towards you. Be considerate, respectful and open minded as to not come off as clingy (unless they find that cute, then I suppose you can go for it)

[QUOTE=SirDavid255;49723927]Short answer, yes. Long answers, You must view it from your perspective and the other persons perspective. I seem to have paranoia issues and negative thoughts such as "this person didn't like it when you did this" or "this person got annoyed with you and bored and is reaching for someone else" It's not like this and you don't have to live like that. Understand that most people, unless actually in a relationship, want some space and distance away from each other. Considering I had nobody else to really talk to too much, he was the only one. Yet I kept remind myself "He is in fact actually busy and talks to a few other people besides me. Distance, people, work, financial and family aid are all things he must take action to." It's important to have an unbiased conception when it comes to anxiety or negative thoughts. Sometimes getting for distance at a particular time may come off as "wow they want to ignore and leave me" when it's really just "I have to get this paper in" or "I want to be alone for a bit". I've had break downs in the past and eventually grew and learned from them and studied as to why I would feel such a way, and attempted to resolve it and to an extent, worked things out. Sometimes I still come with these bad thoughts, but it's much easier to push away once you know the truth of things. To take things slow and [B]not[/B] over analyse every action they say or do towards you. Be considerate, respectful and open minded as to not come off as clingy (unless they find that cute, then I suppose you can go for it)[/QUOTE] Thank you a lot for this. I've shared your feelings exactly. I used to have a hard time even handling her not texting me for a long time even though all the while I see her active on other social media. But then I realized this is a stupid thing to get worried over. I still worry about it, but I tell myself it is irrational to think like that, and to text her again and again would come off as clingy, and I'm pushing past those thoughts to do so. I shouldn't care or worry, but I do, and it's something I can't help. It's really hard to not let my mind drift off to negativity, but I'm working to get past it. Because every time I worry she eventually texts or calls me back and I'm happy. I have no reason to worry.

[QUOTE=NixNax123;49723951]Thank you a lot for this. I've shared your feelings exactly. I used to have a hard time even handling her not texting me for a long time even though all the while I see her active on other social media. But then I realized this is a stupid thing to get worried over. I still worry about it, but I tell myself it is irrational to think like that, and to text her again and again would come off as clingy, and I'm pushing past those thoughts to do so. I shouldn't care or worry, but I do, and it's something I can't help. It's really hard to not let my mind drift off to negativity, but I'm working to get past it. Because every time I worry she eventually texts or calls me back and I'm happy. I have no reason to worry.[/QUOTE] Mindfulness meditation helps loads, because it's really effective against stuff like this. The goal of this type of meditation is to simply observe thoughts and not make judgements, come to conclusions, or do much work mentally at all tbh. So it's the difference between "X hasn't texted me back, they must not like me ugh I'm so awful no one actually likes me I should just text them to make sure" etc And "X hasn't replied, this makes me anxious. I feel slightly lonely. I want to text them " Its really about being mindful about what you're feeling and thinking in a given moment, and not extrapolating it further. Stopping the anxiety snowball early is key to controlling it, insofar as it can be controlled. There are a number of guides out there, but this technique has no real requirements for time, environment, posture, equipment, etc so don't believe a guide that suggests any of these requirements. [editline]12th February 2016[/editline] Essentially it stops that drift to negativity, or can help you pull out of a negative spiral

[QUOTE=paindoc;49724441]Mindfulness meditation helps loads, because it's really effective against stuff like this. The goal of this type of meditation is to simply observe thoughts and not make judgements, come to conclusions, or do much work mentally at all tbh. So it's the difference between "X hasn't texted me back, they must not like me ugh I'm so awful no one actually likes me I should just text them to make sure" etc And "X hasn't replied, this makes me anxious. I feel slightly lonely. I want to text them " Its really about being mindful about what you're feeling and thinking in a given moment, and not extrapolating it further. Stopping the anxiety snowball early is key to controlling it, insofar as it can be controlled. There are a number of guides out there, but this technique has no real requirements for time, environment, posture, equipment, etc so don't believe a guide that suggests any of these requirements. [editline]12th February 2016[/editline] Essentially it stops that drift to negativity, or can help you pull out of a negative spiral[/QUOTE] thank you so much. this helps me a lot. i just need to have a time where i just calm down and take a breath and tell myself everything's gonna be alright. if i start making conclusions, i'll stop myself from thinking about them. i think the problem i have is that i don't understand how other people live their lives not wanting to communicate with someone 24/7. but i guess i have to accept that it happens more frequently than i think, and i can't project my own way of life onto others and judge them or myself based off of that.

Just hardcore pissed off my best friend, don't know if they'll speak to me again I hate myself so much, I literally do not deserve life if all I do is just fuck up other peoples' days constantly

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49724595]Just hardcore pissed off my best friend, don't know if they'll speak to me again I hate myself so much, I literally do not deserve life if all I do is just fuck up other peoples' days constantly[/QUOTE] It will come around, I've pissed off a lot of people. Took like six months for the worst one but now we hang out again.

I have suffered from very severe depression for a long time. I don't check in here as often as I used too, but I feel like I must share what has helped me. I started smoking marijuana. It has helped me tremendously. Everything is better, looking at pictures, playing videogames, etc. It's helped my anxiety alot too. I don't know if many of the people here do it, but this has helped me so, so so much. It isn't expensive, and small amounts are great too.

[QUOTE=Suff;49727958]I have suffered from very severe depression for a long time. I don't check in here as often as I used too, but I feel like I must share what has helped me. I started smoking marijuana. It has helped me tremendously. Everything is better, looking at pictures, playing videogames, etc. It's helped my anxiety alot too. I don't know if many of the people here do it, but this has helped me so, so so much. It isn't expensive, and small amounts are great too.[/QUOTE]Be careful to not become dependent on the stuff.

[QUOTE=Suff;49727958]I have suffered from very severe depression for a long time. I don't check in here as often as I used too, but I feel like I must share what has helped me. I started smoking marijuana. It has helped me tremendously. Everything is better, looking at pictures, playing videogames, etc. It's helped my anxiety alot too. I don't know if many of the people here do it, but this has helped me so, so so much. It isn't expensive, and small amounts are great too.[/QUOTE] Where would i even get it though? I have no acquaintances who smoke weed and online is certainly a no-no.

[QUOTE=Daysofwinter;49722893]I've been there. It also doesn't help in the bigger scheme of things, nothing you do will matter any ways. We are on a small blue dot in vast nothing which will eventually succumb to heat death of the universe.[/QUOTE] Have you gotten rid of this feeling? If so, how? I certainly can continue living my life as usual like this, no problem, but I don't really want to do it while having this strange awareness of death in my subconcious all the time. It's like some sort of bitter aftertaste with everything I do now, and I really would like to just forget about it, permanently.

[QUOTE=Suff;49727958]I have suffered from very severe depression for a long time. I don't check in here as often as I used too, but I feel like I must share what has helped me. I started smoking marijuana. It has helped me tremendously. Everything is better, looking at pictures, playing videogames, etc. It's helped my anxiety alot too. I don't know if many of the people here do it, but this has helped me so, so so much. It isn't expensive, and small amounts are great too.[/QUOTE] I have found this to be the case too, but I have also noticed that it is very easy to fall into a pattern of substituting it for actual positive action. So long as you don't replace your quest for happiness with weed - numb yourself, you'll be fine.

[QUOTE=Doom64hunter;49729088]Have you gotten rid of this feeling? If so, how? I certainly can continue living my life as usual like this, no problem, but I don't really want to do it while having this strange awareness of death in my subconcious all the time. It's like some sort of bitter aftertaste with everything I do now, and I really would like to just forget about it, permanently.[/QUOTE] You are talking to some one who is wasting away. I am not going in depth over my situation. For me, the feeling is not going away any time soon. The last thing you would want to do at life's end is have regrets. Right now I am realizing I could ve spent more time with loved ones. I know I could ve been working on projects I always wanted to do. Yet I've always been too lazy, too distracted, too scared, too impatient, too depressed, too hot headed and prone to get into arguments, too wrapped up what is right or wrong, low in self worth and yadayada yada to do it. It hurts now I couldve done much much more and better.... Maybe if you keep that feeling always in mind, you are less likely to do stupid things? Maybe you will more likely live a life worth living? I didn't and look where it got me.

sometimes i wish people took what i said literally instead of figuratively or looking for a hidden meaning/tone. if i say X, i mean X. if i was fucking around it would be painfully obvious.

Does anyone else dream of their problems whenever you sleep? Mainly the problems getting better if that makes sense or have I just been that fucking bad lately. Awake or not I can't escape from my shit either way

[QUOTE=aussiedropbear;49730840]Does anyone else dream of their problems whenever you sleep? Mainly the problems getting better if that makes sense or have I just been that fucking bad lately. Awake or not I can't escape from my shit either way[/QUOTE] I got tricked into thinking my dad was alive nearly every night for a year after he died. It can be rough.

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;49718828]Who else has trouble staying awake during the day and sleeping during the night?! Grrr... :v:[/QUOTE] This, I only get tired when the sun rises. It's the break of dawn here now, wish I could just pass out but I have to go to work for 11 hours.

Has anybody had any experience with this? I was grown into a large family by young parents and I've seen a lot of them die at a young age because of this. (About 8 deaths, people who were the most important people in the world to me, I hope you can imagine what that means) but out of most of them I have always been extremely close to my paternal-grandparents, as I've lived with them pretty much since puberty. But every day it crosses my mind that they're going to die and leave me too, and I can't stop myself from crying because of the horror of that thought and the inevitability of it. Does anybody have any advice? I'm just so scared of them dying on me even thought it might not happen for a while. But the thought of my family is now tainted with their inevitable deaths because of my past experiences. How can I fix this? Sorry for being a little bitch

im seeing a psychiatrist

Just got back from the funeral for my grandfather. We held the religious mass in church, we walked out while "Amazing Grace" played, then we drove to the mausoleum. There were two Marines there, they saluted us, we said a few more prayers, the Marines played Taps then folded the flag and presented it to my grandma, who thanked them by saying "Semper Fi." Then as we left the Marines saluted my grandma yet again. For anyone with a morbid sense of humour, if you want a good workout, just be a pallbearer. :v:

How do I meditate

[QUOTE=NixNax123;49735851]How do I meditate[/QUOTE] I would strongly recommend reading The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It's like meditation, but much more than that :smile:

[QUOTE=FreyasFighter;49736304]I would strongly recommend reading The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It's like meditation, but much more than that :smile:[/QUOTE] I'm just having trouble jumping to conclusions. It seems every day now my mind wanders to "she's going to break this off any time now." and I hate it. [editline]13th February 2016[/editline] I'll try that though. Thank you.

[QUOTE=NixNax123;49735851]How do I meditate[/QUOTE] There are primarily two kinds. Open and focused meditation. Open involves paying equal attention to everything in your visual field, along with all your sensations, and thoughts. You do not try to control anything but rather just notice them. Notice as they come, notice as they make you feel a certain way, and notice as they pass. The whole while you should be aware of how your attention drifts from this wide picture to specific thoughts. You must notice that, and gently redirect your attention back to the big picture. Focused meditation, conversely, involves taking a single thing as the focus of your attention. It can be anything from a pen, to the blackness infront of your eyes, to the ins and outs of your breath. Again the point is to try to focus as much on this thing and to notice when your mind drifts off. When it does, gently redirect your attention back to your focus. Notice how your attention wavers, how it wants to go to other thoughts, how sometimes you have no choice but to go to other thoughts, how sometimes you go to other thoughts without noticing. Just gently bring yourself back to the focus whenever you notice that.