Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

[QUOTE=Zenreon117;49736371]There are primarily two kinds. Open and focused meditation. Open involves paying equal attention to everything in your visual field, along with all your sensations, and thoughts. You do not try to control anything but rather just notice them. Notice as they come, notice as they make you feel a certain way, and notice as they pass. The whole while you should be aware of how your attention drifts from this wide picture to specific thoughts. You must notice that, and gently redirect your attention back to the big picture. Focused meditation, conversely, involves taking a single thing as the focus of your attention. It can be anything from a pen, to the blackness infront of your eyes, to the ins and outs of your breath. Again the point is to try to focus as much on this thing and to notice when your mind drifts off. When it does, gently redirect your attention back to your focus. Notice how your attention wavers, how it wants to go to other thoughts, how sometimes you have no choice but to go to other thoughts, how sometimes you go to other thoughts without noticing. Just gently bring yourself back to the focus whenever you notice that.[/QUOTE] I feel like I try the latter a lot. I'll be focusing on a specific object and I'll immediately notice when my mind drifts off. I feel helpless when that happens though, as if it's always on the back of my mind and it's inevitable that it comes forward. I'll try both methods often though, thank you very much!

Closed meditation and focusing on breathing leads really easily into the mindfullness meditation I was mentioning earlier. While I disagree with most meditation techniques, I'd say breathing is the only "essential" one as it promotes a physiologicial response in your body that is positive. Its not a placebo or an illusion- it really does relax you, focus you, and destress you.

[QUOTE=paindoc;49736478]Closed meditation and focusing on breathing leads really easily into the mindfullness meditation I was mentioning earlier. While I disagree with most meditation techniques, I'd say breathing is the only "essential" one as it promotes a physiologicial response in your body that is positive. Its not a placebo or an illusion- it really does relax you, focus you, and destress you.[/QUOTE] I know what you mean. Lately I've been letting out extremely throaty moans and punching my mattress when I'm alone and that doesn't help. And sometimes I scream in my car really loudly. But breathing does really relax me. Maybe I'll make an effort where, before EVERY non-trivial text I send, take 5 deep breaths and focus on nothing else. That should help a lot.

Oh boy oh boy life threw more surprises at me! Basically the entire time I was at my relatives house, all they did was talk trash about me, they were calling other relatives on the phone and saying how they think I'm anorexic how they think I'm on drugs, they think im to manly... I barely got any sleep, had to pull an all nighter because my family are just pigs. I had wifi, and yeah I got to stay in the guest room the other night, yeah there was chicken nuggets and I was allowed to watch TV there (if you saw my snapchat story) Ok so I woke up this morning and my aunt and uncle were very uncomfortable with me sleeping in their home. They told my grandma to take me home to my moms house. Except my mom didn't want me home anymore. I was kicked out, so she took me to my moms work and told me she was going to ask her if I was allowed there, and I said "What the hell? what if she dosent want me there?" my grandma said "Well I don't know what to tell you then, because your aunt and uncle dont feel comfortable with you in their home." I got suspicious, because I didn't do anything wrong, I was polite, I was thankful that they were going to let me stay at their house until the day of my flight, I was kind to them. But they felt uncomfortable with me there... So my mom said she didn't want me back at the house, I said "Fuck this I'm going to my dads." I walked a long way to my dads house (basically hes not even my dad) It's extra cold outside and there's no sidewalks because of the snow. Whatever. I got there, plopped my bag down and explained to my dad that I was essentially kicked out and had no place to stay. My dad asked me if I was gay. The way he asked it was very dissaproving, so naturally I said "What? no. I'm just asexual. I don't like sex or dating with any gender at all." He said "alright." So now I think my family has gone into asshole overdrive because they are finding out I'm gay, after all this time they were oblivious to it, but I guess they're JUST NOW starting to figure it out. I'm nervous, because my grandma came over, and was talking with my dads side of the family. I came downstairs to get some food and they started acting all funny around me, almost ten times more bitter than they normaly are. I was polite and curteous to them, politely declined the dinner they made me (because its probably poison.) and went upstairs to my old bedroom. And now I'm at my moms house packing my shit.

my ex removed me off steam, such a small thing but it got me I know I'm dwelling but I hate the little reminders when I think I'm doing okay that I lost her so hard tomorrows gon be rough

Does anybody have any tactics for avoiding cutting yourself? I haven't for a while but I have a really strong desire to and I feel like I will fairly soon.

My family isn't very supportive with me at times, they say stuff like "I don't think therapy is helping you much if you're behaving like this". I have violent thoughts at times and I'm trying to deal with them, it's not easy, the problem isn't only that I might act on them when I have been bothered enough, but thinking about murdering my own family and people around me. My therapist says they are repressed wishes. When I was a kid I would get in trouble constantly for insulting other kids or fighting them whenever they tried to bully me or be hostile towards me, I grew up feeling unable to defend myself against people who attacked me, this was certainly not healthy. Every time someone yells at me, even my mother, I just feel like I want to kill them, I feel the rush of grabbing an object or something and attempt to kill them. Worst part is that my therapist asks me "How do you feel after turning violent? Do you feel guilty?", I don't know if this sounds bad, but I don't feel any remorse for it and I have told her that, I feel like that's what I had to do because some people just don't listen unless you put them at risk. Dad never listened, he was never going to listen, the only way to make him listening was making him feel scared, I think that was the best decision, he stopped coming home after that and he stopped annoying my mother and stopped hiding stuff from me. Last month I was having dinner with my family when my uncle started joking about me. I was tired that day, I did the same thing with him, children were there. My mother told me to put everything down, I just sat and began laughing and told everyone it was a joke and they did believe it was some kind of scary-joke and laughed too, but my uncle stopped saying stuff about me afterwards. The moments where I feel bad is when I decide not to act on it and realize how bad things could have been had I acted on my thoughts. I remember this one time one of my friends began acting like a dick towards me, I got tired of him and this one day I felt I had to put an end to it. I was decided to go and beat the living fuck out of him, but when I arrived to his place he began treating me nice and calm, we became best friends after that and began hanging out together and such. To this day I feel bad for even thinking about trying to fuck him over at some point. I also feel bad when I think about doing it to random people, people who never did anything to me. I'm legit trying to get over this and shape up, it's difficult but I try to keep my mind off it. I can safely say that the thoughts are less common as I keep improving aspects of my life.

I've got a list of things I want to do. Go to Europe, finish my SFM series, visit some friends I met online and knew for years, etc. and once I've done everything on that list, I want to kill myself because, thus far, I've done everything I wanted to do. I dunno if anyone else here has a plan like that or if it's just me.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Nikolai;49737327]My family isn't very supportive with me at times, they say stuff like "I don't think therapy is helping you much if you're behaving like this". I have violent thoughts at times and I'm trying to deal with them, it's not easy, the problem isn't only that I might act on them when I have been bothered enough, but thinking about murdering my own family and people around me. My therapist says they are repressed wishes. When I was a kid I would get in trouble constantly for insulting other kids or fighting them whenever they tried to bully me or be hostile towards me, I grew up feeling unable to defend myself against people who attacked me, this was certainly not healthy. Every time someone yells at me, even my mother, I just feel like I want to kill them, I feel the rush of grabbing an object or something and attempt to kill them. Worst part is that my therapist asks me "How do you feel after turning violent? Do you feel guilty?", I don't know if this sounds bad, but I don't feel any remorse for it and I have told her that, I feel like that's what I had to do because some people just don't listen unless you put them at risk. Dad never listened, he was never going to listen, the only way to make him listening was making him feel scared, I think that was the best decision, he stopped coming home after that and he stopped annoying my mother and stopped hiding stuff from me. Last month I was having dinner with my family when my uncle started joking about me. I was tired that day, I did the same thing with him, children were there. My mother told me to put everything down, I just sat and began laughing and told everyone it was a joke and they did believe it was some kind of scary-joke and laughed too, but my uncle stopped saying stuff about me afterwards. The moments where I feel bad is when I decide not to act on it and realize how bad things could have been had I acted on my thoughts. I remember this one time one of my friends began acting like a dick towards me, I got tired of him and this one day I felt I had to put an end to it. I was decided to go and beat the living fuck out of him, but when I arrived to his place he began treating me nice and calm, we became best friends after that and began hanging out together and such. To this day I feel bad for even thinking about trying to fuck him over at some point. I also feel bad when I think about doing it to random people, people who never did anything to me. I'm legit trying to get over this and shape up, it's difficult but I try to keep my mind off it. I can safely say that the thoughts are less common as I keep improving aspects of my life.[/QUOTE] Perhaps you've convinced yourself that you're trapped and that the only way out is being violent. In reality, once you get out of the house, you have no obligations towards others. You don't have to stick around. Technically speaking, there are ways to get out of those obligations even now. This is assuming, of course, that you live with them. In that case, maybe the best thing is to focus on leaving and not taking them as seriously or harshly. They only matter as much as you're willing to let them matter, and if you don't love them or care about them, so be it. It isn't a sin, even though some people might make it out to be. People shouldn't be expected to give unconditional love to their parents. I don't. I very conditionally enjoy my parents, and very conditionally hang out. It's on the condition that they won't be giant dicks. Other members on my family, on the other hand, I purposely and apathetically avoid. I don't really care, they're awful, and I don't want to waste my time around awful people. I would imagine that I could begin to feel the same way under the circumstances of being forced to live with people who don't understand and don't care. I have seen others act the same way under those circumstances multiple times. I've always subscribed to the point of view that if people get to that point, separation should happen ASAP, and not just because of the potential violence that may ensue but because of the tenseness that burns inside of the individuals that is surely to disintegrate rational thinking and make everyone feel like shit.

So I was about to kill myself yesterday. Keywords being "Was about to", as some of my friends hooked hold of me and invited me into a bar on some coffee and beer. Little did they know, the saved me from jumping in the freezing sea that night. And I'm truly grateful for people like that. Reason for it was a ban on Facepunch for some stupid shit, so I couldn't vent anywhere, got heavy criticism on some of my work, was called a "Worthless racist" at work by a customer, my "best friend" called me and told that we would cancel the plans we made long while back, because he was drunk from the day before and I canceled dinner with my family, going to the gym, bailing a party and so on in favor of him. I was just a huge mess and felt like no one cared about me, so I left groups left and right on my PC, because I felt bad if people got to know that. So I headed out and on my way down I decided to go between my favorite streets of the town, where the friends came and told me to settle down for a beer.

it seems like things are going great between me and a girl but I can't help but find negative signs everywhere and reasons of why it'd never work. I don't actually think there are any negative signs to find, it's all in my head pretty much. we've both known of our interest to each other for a long time now and yesterday, a friend of ours started pushing us by sending messages to both of us to make us kiss. she also told two other friends who were there who also begun pushing, so we ended up kissing and the rest of the night was wonderful. we finally broke the ice when it comes to kissing and that's great. I feel like things are finally progressing. she also asked me today if we could meet tomorrow which is also amazing, I like it. then there's the negative thoughts. am I ready for a relationship? am I good enough for her? she looks so much better than I do, is it a good match? am I outward enough? we don't always have something to talk about, maybe we don't have that much in common? maybe I don't talk enough or offer enough of myself? will I be able to comfortably take the initiative to meet? how often should we meet? how do we balance meeting and taking breaks? what should we do when we meet? I feel like all the experience I have with relationships is bad experience. I was in an amazing relationship but I don't think the way we handled it was very healthy. she was my everything and I was her everything and that's not good. I want to prevent another situation like that where I might get completely broken for a few years if there's a break up. I need to be able to balance getting attached to her and still remaining "independent"? it's pretty difficult though. it's really odd to be so close to a relationship. last time it was a dance on roses and I was just so happy, but this time around I'm feeling so much insecurity. I appreciate hugs, kisses and having her close, but I don't appreciate it as much as I remember appreciating it. I'm thinking too much.

[QUOTE=PredGD;49739084]it seems like things are going great between me and a girl but I can't help but find negative signs everywhere and reasons of why it'd never work. I don't actually think there are any negative signs to find, it's all in my head pretty much. we've both known of our interest to each other for a long time now and yesterday, a friend of ours started pushing us by sending messages to both of us to make us kiss. she also told two other friends who were there who also begun pushing, so we ended up kissing and the rest of the night was wonderful. we finally broke the ice when it comes to kissing and that's great. I feel like things are finally progressing. she also asked me today if we could meet tomorrow which is also amazing, I like it. then there's the negative thoughts. am I ready for a relationship? am I good enough for her? she looks so much better than I do, is it a good match? am I outward enough? we don't always have something to talk about, maybe we don't have that much in common? maybe I don't talk enough or offer enough of myself? will I be able to comfortably take the initiative to meet? how often should we meet? how do we balance meeting and taking breaks? what should we do when we meet? I feel like all the experience I have with relationships is bad experience. I was in an amazing relationship but I don't think the way we handled it was very healthy. she was my everything and I was her everything and that's not good. I want to prevent another situation like that where I might get completely broken for a few years if there's a break up. I need to be able to balance getting attached to her and still remaining "independent"? it's pretty difficult though. it's really odd to be so close to a relationship. last time it was a dance on roses and I was just so happy, but this time around I'm feeling so much insecurity. I appreciate hugs, kisses and having her close, but I don't appreciate it as much as I remember appreciating it. I'm thinking too much.[/QUOTE] This is almost 100% exactly how I feel. The relationship I used to be in lasted about 2 years and was very unhealthy, as in I spent all my days with her that I could and couldn't imagine life without her and it made me a wreck for a few weeks when she broke up with me. Now with this girl, I'm getting relationship anxiety, which is weird because I've never had it before. And I feel like that's the reason she would cut things off because that would make me sound clingy or something. In every other aspect we get along perfectly, but sometimes I feel like I put her off a lot, especially recently. And I really shouldn't care, because we aren't even actually together, but I don't know why I'm getting so anxious about her. I feel like its because I'm getting into my first actual relationship where I actually want to be in it, and there's so much pressure on me to not fuck this up. So much that I might have already. We'll see today what happens. We're supposed to go out for dinner and a movie and the park. If she cancels for a third time that won't be a good sign but I'll hope for the best.

Valentine's day is fucking stupid. A corporate holiday made so that rich cunts can profit, happy people can openly brag like snobs, and lonely people can feel like absolute unadulterated shit all day long. Fuck this "holiday", fuck your happiness, I just want to be able to avoid this stupid bullshit and literally everywhere I go I see is couples with flowers and dumbass "hearts" and "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY BUY THIS" for fake ass relationships that won't last anyway. I'm just going to move to the top of a fucking mountain.

[QUOTE=flamehead5;49740522]Valentine's day is fucking stupid. A corporate holiday made so that rich cunts can profit, happy people can openly brag like snobs, and lonely people can feel like absolute unadulterated shit all day long. Fuck this "holiday", fuck your happiness, I just want to be able to avoid this stupid bullshit and literally everywhere I go I see is couples with flowers and dumbass "hearts" and "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY BUY THIS" for fake ass relationships that won't last anyway. I'm just going to move to the top of a fucking mountain.[/QUOTE] Its not everyone else that has a problem, its you. If you're so lonely, why does today have to be lonelier? If its so corporate and fake, why are you so incensed? Brag like snobs? Maybe people are happy. While ultimately happiness must come from within, there is nothing that says you can't enjoy the happiness of others. I've been alone my whole fuckin life, been treated like shit by a fair few, but using that to bring others down is fucking stupid. Do us all a favor, and yourself a favor, and move to the top of a mountain. Maybe you're alone because you're a dick. I really dislike this attitude. Its pointless, unadulterated self-pity and it doesn't do a goddamn thing for anyone. If you want this so bad, and if you want to spend it with someone or not be alone anymore, do something about it. But bitching and having this mindset only makes things worse for you and anyone you come into contact with.

[QUOTE=paindoc;49740631]Its not everyone else that has a problem, its you. If you're so lonely, why does today have to be lonelier? If its so corporate and fake, why are you so incensed? Brag like snobs? Maybe people are happy. While ultimately happiness must come from within, there is nothing that says you can't enjoy the happiness of others. I've been alone my whole fuckin life, been treated like shit by a fair few, but using that to bring others down is fucking stupid. Do us all a favor, and yourself a favor, and move to the top of a mountain. Maybe you're alone because you're a dick. I really dislike this attitude. Its pointless, unadulterated self-pity and it doesn't do a goddamn thing for anyone. If you want this so bad, and if you want to spend it with someone or not be alone anymore, do something about it. But bitching and having this mindset only makes things worse for you and anyone you come into contact with.[/QUOTE] This. I'm lonely as fuck and I feel like a fucking no life loser all the time, but I know that being bitter about other people being happy is only going to make me feel worse. Hating people because they're happy and you're not is so childish.

I fall into that trap really easily, being annoyed at happy people. It's a shitty cycle that makes people dislike you, making you feel even worse.

Remember you're lonely every other day, be thankful it's only today that it's shoved in your face and not all the other days

[QUOTE=paindoc;49740631]Its not everyone else that has a problem, its you. If you're so lonely, why does today have to be lonelier? If its so corporate and fake, why are you so incensed? Brag like snobs? Maybe people are happy. While ultimately happiness must come from within, there is nothing that says you can't enjoy the happiness of others. I've been alone my whole fuckin life, been treated like shit by a fair few, but using that to bring others down is fucking stupid. Do us all a favor, and yourself a favor, and move to the top of a mountain. [B]Maybe you're alone because you're a dick[/B]. I really dislike this attitude. Its pointless, unadulterated self-pity and it doesn't do a goddamn thing for anyone. If you want this so bad, and if you want to spend it with someone or not be alone anymore, do something about it. But bitching and having this mindset only makes things worse for you and anyone you come into contact with.[/QUOTE] Why I do have to have it be shoved in my face? I've been trying to move on and be content with being alone but you know what doesn't help? Having giant fucking valentines day ads shoved in my face everywhere I go and constant fucking reminders about the person who caused all of it in the first place. Real nice with that dick comment too in the depression thread, maybe I will take you up on that offer so I don't have to keep meeting people like you. How do you know what the people I see on my facebook feed acting like snobs are like? I'm so angry because this "holiday" has made me feel completely goddamn isolated and unwanted since I was a kid, and now I despise it so much that I don't want to constantly hear about it for over a week and literally see it everywhere. I voiced my opinion, what do you think I'm doing walking around slapping valentines bouquets or some shit? Why are you so angry? [editline]14th February 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Enola;49740727]Remember you're lonely every other day, be thankful it's only today that it's shoved in your face and not all the other days[/QUOTE] that's a really good point honestly...

[QUOTE=flamehead5;49740755]Why I do have to have it be shoved in my face? I've been trying to move on and be content with being alone but you know what doesn't help? Having giant fucking valentines day ads shoved in my face everywhere I go and constant fucking reminders about the person who caused all of it in the first place. Real nice with that dick comment too in the depression thread, maybe I will take you up on that offer so I don't have to keep meeting people like you. How do you know what the people I see on my facebook feed acting like snobs are like? I'm so angry because this "holiday" has made me feel completely goddamn isolated and unwanted since I was a kid, and now I despise it so much that I don't want to constantly hear about it for over a week and literally see it everywhere. I voiced my opinion, what do you think I'm doing walking around slapping valentines bouquets or some shit? Why are you so angry? [editline]14th February 2016[/editline] that's a really good point honestly...[/QUOTE] I can't say I'm angry at all, tbh. You seem pretty incensed, and voiced your opinion and so I voiced mine. And yeah, this is a depression thread so lets hugbox it out and not say anything mean, ever!1!!11! I'm saying what Enola says, if you're lonely every other day no need to be lonelier today. You are choosing, ultimately, to be irritated by these valentines day ads and to be offended by them or whatever. I've been made to feel unloved by my family, nearly all my childhood friends, and have been used by most of the people I tried to love. But being more sad today does nothing to make me feel better, or get me closer to who I want to be. Please, do avoid meeting me.

you're both being fairly salty tbh

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49740821]you're both being fairly salty tbh[/QUOTE] we need some pepper in here for extra flavor

[QUOTE=fear me;49740898]we need some pepper in here for extra flavor[/QUOTE]I can provide that~~~

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;49740954]:wow:[/QUOTE] :smug: [editline]14th February 2016[/editline] [sp]shit this isn't wayt what am I doing sorry[/sp]

still unsure if i'm even seeing that girl today or not :v:

I mean it's cool if you don't like valentine's day but to rant and rave about it like everyone's gonna suddenly go "woah man this guy's pissed off may as well cancel the holiday" is ridiculous you are totally free to dislike a holiday, but the couples who enjoy it have done literally nothing to invoke your ire so redirect your anger at the appropriate parties rather than innocent people who don't understand your motivation and will only see you as a grade a asshole who hates people for no reason ! just sayin (also valentine's day traditions began in the 19th century so pinning it all on modern influences is silly) [editline]14th February 2016[/editline] valentine's day is also used to celebrate friends and family and not just couples. kids in school like sharing valentines with their friends or their teachers. it's not a "couples only" club. i buy chocolates for myself every year, single or otherwise because candy's fucking great and i like to treat myself on a day that's about love. sometimes i hate myself but on valentine's day i can love myself by eating too much and subsequently going into a food coma. that's important.

I don't have an SO to share today with but I made sure to say kind things to all of my friends to make sure they know I appreciate them. Love isn't all romantic, and I say celebrate all kinds of love today.

I've been showing my love for this song I've been listening to on loop for over 5 hours also for how comfy my bed is

I've got piles of candy, some posh coffee, and I'm working on my hobby/side career in music. Which, as a bonus, makes for an excellent vent for emotions :v: (thing I just uploaded on my SC is for that)

[QUOTE=Pascall;49741081]I mean it's cool if you don't like valentine's day but to rant and rave about it like everyone's gonna suddenly go "woah man this guy's pissed off may as well cancel the holiday" is ridiculous you are totally free to dislike a holiday, but the couples who enjoy it have done literally nothing to invoke your ire so redirect your anger at the appropriate parties rather than innocent people who don't understand your motivation and will only see you as a grade a asshole who hates people for no reason ! just sayin (also valentine's day traditions began in the 19th century so pinning it all on modern influences is silly) [editline]14th February 2016[/editline] valentine's day is also used to celebrate friends and family and not just couples. kids in school like sharing valentines with their friends or their teachers. it's not a "couples only" club. i buy chocolates for myself every year, single or otherwise because candy's fucking great and i like to treat myself on a day that's about love. sometimes i hate myself but on valentine's day i can love myself by eating too much and subsequently going into a food coma. that's important.[/QUOTE] I get a valentines day card every year from my guinea pig.

I just don't need to be reminded about how alone I am, I'd rather just be alone and not think about it. I think it'd probably be a better day if my family weren't hundreds of kilometres away and if they didn't all hate me. Maybe if it was just today too, but I've been hearing and seeing it constantly for over a week and it gets too tiring after a while... Its nearly 6pm and I haven't even felt like eating or drinking anything because I just feel like shit..