Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V4 - Discussion, help an - General

Just got a letter from welfare that I owe $1000 of accounting error from 3 years ago, which I obviously didn't take into consideration regarding current planning of funds. So I can't get a job and now all the money I was using to survive is gone. On top of that I have a therapist I can no longer pay for, a bill for from DHL for $100 that I have to pay after the package was delivered on the original invoice. I've not been able to get a job no matter how creative the cover letter, at this point I think HR people are just assholes, either that or my skills just suck and all the really shit jobs are too hard to find. I can't improve my skills if I'm not motivated and I'm not motived to do anything at all without money. I think I'm cornered at this point. This is all on the of the fact I'm over weight, losing my hair and I have tinnitus. The first two things mean I'll never a have a girlfriend or a relationship, which I supposed I can ignore as one of those things that doesn't really matter, but the tinnitus or torment, even having for a year and a half. I can't deal with this crap, things just get worse and worse no matter what I do. Something I think I 'hey I'm getting better at this skill set' , then something jumps out and makes me realise that no matter what I attempt or plan, life will just jump out with it's infinite complexity and beat me down for no reason at all. I'll think to myself I'm on track, but then a whole bunch unforeseen crap happens to fuck me up. All roads lead to misery,the only thing I can do give up on everything, why even try?

anyone else feel basically done talking about depression. feels basically impossible to talk about my problems regardless of how i present it or the feedback involved don't feel like there's anything to come out of it anymore

[QUOTE=Shaohs;49770341]I had a friend who helped me get over my suicidal thoughs a while ago. But she ended up killing herself not too long ago and I couldn't stop her. I feel like a piece of shit like it was my fault she killed herself. I just fuck everything up. Im a stupid piece of shit and I'm also an idiot. I feel like dying so I cant hurt anyone else.[/QUOTE] Every person is responsible for their own actions, regardless of outside influences. To suggest that she killed herself because of you is ultimately declaring that she lacked personal integrity and let her external environment decide her fate, which is something I do not believe you would feel comfortable doing. To me, saying something along those lines is like saying, "Because of me, so-and-so became the best person ever." It's falsely putting a level of self-importance on yourself that is as limiting as it is mentally crippling. (Limiting in the sense of thinking "I can't do what I want because it will ruin the lives of others" when it won't.) In reality, while you may have been important to this friend and at worst possibly contributed some negativity in her life, chances are you didn't make up all of the negativity and it doesn't remove the responsibility that she had for herself. You didn't decide her fate. At the same time, a lot of other people are also responsible for their own actions. If you feel like you're afraid you're going to actually hurt others, I'd check into therapy first before anything else, but most people aren't going to let you hurt them. The common scenario is they'll ditch you, and in rarer cases they'll be hurt and move on. The rarest case is putting up with abuse. Here's what I can infer from your post: 1.) You're aware of your wrong-doings. 2.) You are in a dilemma between wanting to be better and wanting to commit suicide. Which is stronger? Do you [I]actually[/I] want to be better? Do you [I]actually[/I] want to commit suicide? There's an important distinction there, because only one of those is true. If you really wanted to be better, then you probably don't want to commit suicide and would only be doing so because you have the false belief that being better is unobtainable. If you just want to commit suicide, then you don't actually want to be better. The fact that you're caught up in your emotions and have concern for yourself and others leads me to believe that you have the desire to be better, but have convinced yourself that it can't happen, leading you to want to escape. It's what I see in most people who want to commit suicide. It's what I used to see in me. It's a cycle of self-abuse that you should focus on destroying, because it's a result of your falsely negative perception of reality as opposed to reality itself. Besides, if we were going to speak for your friend, what are the chances that she would want others to continue with their lives? I think your goal should be to focus on looking at what you think and looking as hard as possible to see if you've got some kinks in how you think, distorting your understanding of yourself and your surroundings. I used to have a very distorted understanding of the world around me and also felt like I was the root of all problems. It took some time to become more self-aware and to become more understanding of myself and how the world works. While I don't have all the answers and I shouldn't be the beacon of deciding reality, I'd be more than willing to talk your problems out with you to help you make some of those distinctions. [editline]19th February 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Systema;49771194]anyone else feel basically done talking about depression. feels basically impossible to talk about my problems regardless of how i present it or the feedback involved don't feel like there's anything to come out of it anymore[/QUOTE] Well, there's two things that come to mind: 1.) Always talking about depression breeds depression. It can become habitual - sometimes even on a specific schedule or as a result of specific triggers. Sometimes people unknowingly make it their passion to talk about their depression. This is the problem I have with STGYM - if I were to be a regular poster in there, it seems like I would just habitually be angry and negative all the time. This is what I mentioned earlier in the thread. 2.) Always talking about depression with hopelessness breeds hopelessness. Part of defeating depression is reinforcing a better means of thinking so that it becomes the default thought process. This doesn't happen over a small span of time, but it can be practiced and can make you a better person in ways unimaginable. You could probably map out your thoughts on paper and look at how your mind progresses towards depressive thoughts, or how it creates endless cycles. It can be paradoxical, too. I used to be in the mindset of feeling depressed because I was depressed. What matters is looking at that thought process and really looking at what is literally wrong, or what can be changed. [I]What are my ideal thoughts? Why can't I think them - are my current thoughts inherently any better? What triggers these negative thoughts instead of my normal thoughts?[/I] Depression is definitely something that can trap people for more than logical reasons alone, but that doesn't mean that logic and subjectivity should be completely ruled out or treated as something that can't exasperate the situation. As Descartes has explained in his lifetime when trying to understand human emotions, the passions can be controlled. They're not just phenomenon that occur without reason. Of course, this was mentioned in a time of not understanding psychology, but I as well as some friends I've had got out of our terrible ways of thinking by thinking away the bad thoughts. I really do think that logic can be used as a weapon against depression though. There's some people, for instance, that are depressed and resort to depressive thoughts even in the wake of the positives not because they were just born permanently sad, but because there's an inertia to change. Even if the change is for something better, fat people will eat themselves to death, drug addicts will continue shooting up, and depressed individuals will stay put simply because it's harder to change. And that brings me to the question of wondering how badly do you want it? Defeating depression is possible. Escaping abusive parents is possible. Establishing a personal home is possible. Moving on from a nasty breakup is possible. Quitting drugs and self-harm is possible. It is all dependent on self-control and how much you want to change. My aunt was a depressed, hateful woman that was hurt as a child that loathed everyone and herself. When she had to undergo surgery, she had to take pain medications. With those pain medications, she became addicted because she didn't want to live life. She wanted to be out of it. She was always mentally checked out, and in the small bits of time she wasn't she was venomous. If she really cared about her family, her responsibilities, and other things, she could have and would have defeated her addiction. But she didn't. She wasn't interested. She never went to rehab. She played the system to get more drugs legally and sometimes illegally. And now she's dead. That death is something I will chalk up to will. She willed herself to death. It was her personal responsibility despite being hurt as a child. On the flip side, one of her sons has since become a Mormon and a soldier, and has found it within himself to escape his depression and anxiety by pushing himself by constantly moving all over the country to discover himself. He was previously knee-deep in hate, sadness, and hopelessness. He didn't see a point, especially since his mother died. But the thing is, in spite of all that, he [I]wanted[/I] things to be better. His will was huge, especially since his mother's wasn't. The feeling of being trapped in a loop is awful, and I can totally understand that. I'm not downing people for running out of will. What I am saying is that you can try something a million times and actually get it wrong 100% of the times you've tried simply because you haven't tried everything in the book - not because of laziness or anything, but perhaps you just didn't know. A lot of people don't. Most people are winging life because there's no instruction manual for this thing. Maybe one day you'll figure it out and write your own instruction manual.

Apperantly I am not schizophrenic with my ear and eye hallucinations. They say it's because of severe stress and anxiety combined with lack of sleep (I've slept 0-5 hours every day for 2 months, kill me)

i unfortunately may have lost a friend today to a very grave reason they believe i was using them as a venting tool and nothing more. i had a lot going on and i decided to apologize to them for it, which triggered them to get angry and subsequently delete me. unfortunately, it seems they want to completely remove me from their life. i'll just let time pass, but i really want to let them know that i care about them, and i'm sorry.

I can't help but laugh at the ironic crap other people say about mental health. "It's all in your head!" being a major example. Yeah, no fucking shit it's all in our heads. That's why it's called "MENTAL" health :v:

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;49771818]Lol. Ok. I made this quite clear to you and I'm not going to start drama in this thread but I'm gonna make this clear and you won't like it cause what I've experienced from you doing the same. Constantly talking to people about your issues more then being actual friends to them pisses the fuck out of anyone. This is exactly how I felt and whilst I said I know how you feel I did the same to a few people and I regret it. It IS okay to vent out to people as long as they are okay with it but however most of the time I wasn't okay with it and I was gonna tell you to stop but ignoring you was better plus I was busy most of the time anyway so I can't actually do you much good. If you're at least gonna talk about it at least do it right and include my side rather then saying "I got angry" and "completely remove me from their life". I wasn't mad at first dude. I just want you to stop harassing me about your issues that you keep on mentioning and I would rather you be an actual friend so I can help you deal with them. I get that you're sorry dude but I really don't like it when people do this. It's very dramatic and now we're in this situation.[/QUOTE] I have ended relationships over this, especially if the pain is self induced. You shouldn't feel afraid to tell people your problems, but if that is the entire composition of your being and you don't want to learn about other people, it ain't good. At that point, everyone else is a therapist. [editline]19th February 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=FreyasFighter;49772337]I can't help but laugh at the ironic crap other people say about mental health. "It's all in your head!" being a major example. Yeah, no fucking shit it's all in our heads. That's why it's called "MENTAL" health :v:[/QUOTE] While the intent is often mean or misunderstanding, some depressed people often end up thinking the world is against them and that there is no escape. These are common, but dangerous delusions that stand in the way of progress. You can't get better if you don't believe it can.

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;49771818]Lol. Ok. I made this quite clear to you and I'm not going to start drama in this thread but I'm gonna make this clear and you won't like it cause what I've experienced from you doing the same. Constantly talking to people about your issues more then being actual friends to them pisses the fuck out of anyone. This is exactly how I felt and whilst I said I know how you feel I did the same to a few people and I regret it. It IS okay to vent out to people as long as they are okay with it but however most of the time I wasn't okay with it and I was gonna tell you to stop but ignoring you was better plus I was busy most of the time anyway so I can't actually do you much good. If you're at least gonna talk about it at least do it right and include my side rather then saying "I got angry" and "completely remove me from their life". I wasn't mad at first dude. I just want you to stop harassing me about your issues that you keep on mentioning and I would rather you be an actual friend so I can help you deal with them. I get that you're sorry dude but I really don't like it when people do this. It's very dramatic and now we're in this situation.[/QUOTE] I hate situations like these personally. I really don't find it okay when an entire friendship becomes one sided with constant venting and problems, or if there's too much of it in general compared to normal chatting. I just end up feeling like the persons psychologist rather than their friend and that's not a cool spot to be in, very uncomfortable often. it puts the person who is being vented to in a very uncomfortable spot. mental problems are often serious so saying "stop" or ignoring them could potentially lead to them feeling even worse so, at least in my case, I often feel forced to help them out even when I have nothing good to say or even the extra energy to offer a helping hand. then it just gets even worse when you don't really know the person that well since the entire friendship has just been a huge venting outlet. bluntly put, it's hard to really care when you don't really know them or care that much about them due to them not really being friends. this behavior would be okay for me if I had already built a friendship with the guy since I'd actually care and want them to get better, but when all I know about the person are problems then ehh.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong thread, I thought this might be the best place to post this/ask for advice. So in short, I really don't feel my job is secure anymore. One technician has recently retired and they're not replacing him, this now causes me as the only full time technician to "unofficially" take up some of his roles. I've been adamant that I will not be doing any jobs that aren't reasonable to my job description. However as stated in my contact I'm obliged to do jobs which are "reasonable" (meaning doing room checks, paperwork, ordering which the other technician did.) The other issue is that the management team are putting a load of pressure on our department. They've already been round once this year surveying the department and they'll be back before Easter break. In short, they want to get rid of the dept, and all the teachers. So here's where I need some advice. I've moved back to my parents for the time being. Should I stay at my current job for a year, rent a flat for a year and see how it pans out? Or shall I say to my boss, "look I don't feel secure here, would it be ok if I test the waters and see if I can get another job whilst still working here for the time being."

so i thought this through entirely about what i posted before and i've decided to take a stand and change the way i've been acting thank you guys, it was good to see how i could change from another perspective

Haven't had diarrhea for over 10 years, this sucks ass

[QUOTE=dead60;49772987]Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong thread, I thought this might be the best place to post this/ask for advice. So in short, I really don't feel my job is secure anymore. One technician has recently retired and they're not replacing him, this now causes me as the only full time technician to "unofficially" take up some of his roles. I've been adamant that I will not be doing any jobs that aren't reasonable to my job description. However as stated in my contact I'm obliged to do jobs which are "reasonable" (meaning doing room checks, paperwork, ordering which the other technician did.) The other issue is that the management team are putting a load of pressure on our department. They've already been round once this year surveying the department and they'll be back before Easter break. In short, they want to get rid of the dept, and all the teachers. So here's where I need some advice. I've moved back to my parents for the time being. Should I stay at my current job for a year, rent a flat for a year and see how it pans out? Or shall I say to my boss, "look I don't feel secure here, would it be ok if I test the waters and see if I can get another job whilst still working here for the time being."[/QUOTE] If you're on contract stating you have to work for them for another year then yes. Job description doesn't matter unless there is a contract stating what you do exactly.(May be different in UK laws look into it) If the laws are the same they can tell you clean toilets as long as they provided the safety gear and equipment and you saying no is quick way to out the door. Depending on how you are perceived it may be a bad idea to tell your boss that you want to look for a new job. Now if you get offers and want to accept them make sure you have at least a two week gap before leaving and going to the new job. That way you can tell your boss that you're leaving in two weeks and it gives them enough time to look for a replacement. As even if they don't like you going out on bad note will screw you over more. If you don't like it and want a new job go get a new one. If you like your job but don't like how it's being handled talk to your boss and see if they can change things up. At the end you're going to have to decided what's best for you though and take that course of action.

Oh my God it's burning like fucking Vietnam

[QUOTE=The bird Man;49775175]Oh my God it's burning like fucking Vietnam[/QUOTE] what did you eat recently

Go get some Buscopan or Colofac if there's any nearby. They're both OTC meds. Those are anti-spasmodics and are usually good for handling those crazy stomach troubles like that. Immodium works too.

[QUOTE=kijji;49775183]what did you eat recently[/QUOTE] Sushi and some cheap ass kebab

[QUOTE=~Kiwi~v2;49772665]I don't want to say stop. Only because I want to help people and let 'em talk their mind. But having a friendship only about venting issues just ain't right. It's like I don't even know the person.[/QUOTE] Let's tie this to my previous posts. In contrast, if I were to think negatively about this, it would probably go something like: a.) "There's no point in trying to make friends, they'll always end up like this" b.) "I don't want to hurt other people or make them feel awkward" c.) "No one understands me, and eventually everyone leaves me to be with the normal people, why can't I be normal?" Two completely different trains of thought: one suggests that you should try again and focus on getting to know others, the other suggests that because your failure you should stop and there is no hope. You have to make a conscious decision on whether one or the other is correct. It takes careful thought and practice, but the quicker one can save themselves from the path of the delusions of pessimism, namely hopelessness, the better they will feel in the long run. Here's the ideal way to go about it: a.) "Perhaps down the line I can approach this person down the road when I'm in a better state of mind and start over." b.) "There's a lot of people out there and a lot of social niches to fit into." c.) "This can be an opportunity for reflection and improvement. Failure is an opportunity to succeed later." d.) [B]"I fucked up, but fuck-ups happen, and I'll try my hardest not to let it happen again."[/B] It might sound silly and simple, or perhaps ridiculously difficult to ask of a person, but all it takes is just viewing the mental steps you take to reach a conclusion. It's kind of like looking at math or programming - you can see down the line where you added instead of subtracted, or used square brackets instead of curly brackets. The more you clean up your mental code, the better your mental programs will run.

[QUOTE=The bird Man;49774341]Haven't had diarrhea for over 10 years, this sucks ass[/QUOTE] I know how you feel, I've been on antibiotics recently and the side effects are literally shit.

I'm honestly disturbed by how badly I've been wanting to drink my ass into oblivion all day

anyone had fluoxetine prescribed for depression? did it help?

[QUOTE=Yotrig;49746487] More reason to always just be yourself. Don't try to fit in anywhere, just be you, spend time with people's company you enjoy and vice versa. A lot of relationships tend to start from a mutual spark felt between two people, from which it snowballs and either works out or it doesn't. The girls you mentioned in your post just didn't have that with you, unfortunately. Feeling scorned like this is part of life, but you will take solace from this experience. Trust me, it'll only get easier from this point on. I don't mean to pull the age card but you have a long life ahead of you. There's plenty of time to meet more people. You will find someone when the time is right and most likely you will share that mutual spark. I hope you feel better soon. .[/QUOTE] Spend time with no one? Okay. And else in school are assholes, the girls who I mentioned are decent people to hang out with. I can't fucking be myself without people avoiding me or laughing at me.

[QUOTE=thecubanpimp;49777498]anyone had fluoxetine prescribed for depression? did it help?[/QUOTE] *raises hand* Ooh, ooh, I know! It's helped me a little bit, though admittedly I'm on a small dose right now (20 mg). Finding the right one is really mostly trial and error though.

I fucking hate myself.

I'm in a "fuck everything" mood today and just wanna lay in bed for a long time

I need a very long break from everything. Life is such a fucking chore at this point and it doesn't feel worth it going forward.

[QUOTE=Weirdness;49777976]I need a very long break from everything. Life is such a fucking chore at this point and it doesn't feel worth it going forward.[/QUOTE] This is why I think there should be kind of a psych ward for people like us who aren't in danger of harming anyone, but who just are really depressed and need a break from everything for a while. Such a thing doesn't exist, sadly.

Does anyone else get depressed and angry when it's almost spring outside but we're still in fucking february?

[QUOTE=thecubanpimp;49777498]anyone had fluoxetine prescribed for depression? did it help?[/QUOTE] I've used Abilify, Setralin, Seroquel Depot, and Flouxetine. Only two helped me: - Seroquel helped a lot but I felt like a zombie and shit in general so I stopped - Flouxetine helped (not completely, but mostly) untill I could handle it myself.

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;49777199]I'm honestly disturbed by how badly I've been wanting to drink my ass into oblivion all day[/QUOTE] What is specifically disturbing about it? Are you disturbed by a possible addiction? [editline]20th February 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=diobono;49778026]Does anyone else get depressed and angry when it's almost spring outside but we're still in fucking february?[/QUOTE] I have never understood seasonal depression, but then again I live in Las Vegas. It's already been summer for a few days. It will remain summer until the end of October, when it switches into winter. [editline]20th February 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Weirdness;49777976]I need a very long break from everything. Life is such a fucking chore at this point and it doesn't feel worth it going forward.[/QUOTE] What are you working on?

My dad's been dead for 6 months. I honestly thought I would be over my pain by now, but I'm not. Today, while at work, a customer was talking with his son(25 or something) while I was helping them out. They mentioned law school, so I started talking about that with them. I mentioned my dad was a lawyer, they asked my family name, and I gave it. He recognized it instantly. My father was a figure in this province in a way that even though I understood, I didn't really understand. This guy just knew of my dad because of the level of work he'd done here, the amount of high profile cases he'd taken on, the sacrifices he'd made over his work life. And I told him the story of how my family home before I was born(my brothers and father) was regularly attacked and defaced during a particularly bad case. He was shocked and surprised by it, as I imagine most people are by the idea of a lawyer being attacked for doing their jobs. Just having that little prod, brings back so much memory. My dad was one of those lawyers that didn't do things to try and make money off of you, he didn't try and extend your hours so that he'd get paid more. He did more cases pro-bono than we could afford to. He regularly gave legal advice and didn't charge for it, he helped people when they needed it. He devoted his life to a mantra that I only found out about once he was gone, one that I got tattooed next to my heart so I would always aim to live by it. [QUOTE] "I would like the world to teach me To admire others without envy Fight injustice without hatred Cultivate humility without surrender of my convictions Accomplish without gain or glory And recognize that service to others Will be the measure of my worth When the final balance of my life is struck"[/QUOTE] The law society of BC had actually written about him, and about how he was one of a kind, a compassionate and loving man who was at the top of his craft and was always a happy, jovial figure in the profession. They have no idea how right that really is, he was such a jovial, and joy filled man. It's been 6 months since I've heard his voice, felt his warm hugs, been comforted by a person who really knew "this is what you should do", and was always a reminder to be a better person. I keep trying to find my own way, I know that's what he'd want me to do. But I need him. I honestly do. I can't seem to get over this, maybe it takes a lot longer than this, but I never felt I needed my dad as much as I have in the last month.