A friend of mine says 682 is one of the best articles on the site.
I thought this thread was going to be about:
[url]http://linux.about.com/od/commands/l/blcmdl1_scp.htm[/url]
this shits a bit weirdd
[img_thumb]http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/scp-050/monkeytrophy.jpg[/img_thumb]
[quote] [B]Item #:[/B] SCP-050
[B]Object Class:[/B] Euclid
[B]Special Containment Procedures:[/B] So far, all attempts to contain SCP-050 have proven fruitless1. At present, whoever has possession of SCP-050 is to leave it in an office they use with regularity2.
[B]Description:[/B] SCP-050 appears to be a statue of a monkey reading a book, approximately one foot3 tall. On the bottom of the statue are engraved the words "To The Cleverest" in cursive script.
The statue has so far proven resistant to all forms of damage4. As such, there is no accurate method to date the object.
When left alone, SCP-050 has proven to be a mixed blessing to its current owner5. Although never seen to move, no matter the manner or amount of recordings, any room it is left in becomes very clean, to a polish whenever possible. Paperwork is filed, trash is emptied, and in general, clutter is removed. However, SCP-050 also seems to take a perverse thrill in leaving traps for its owner, little pranks that are not discovered until too late.
1: Testing to contain SCP-050 has been discontinued at this time.
2: Attempts to leave SCP-050 in unused offices have resulted in it following its owner home. This is a violation of regulations and not to be allowed.
3: One of the quirks of SCP-050 is that no matter what form of measurement is used, any record of said measurements will quickly be replaced by the Customary System measurements.
4: Attempts to damage SCP-050 have resulted in increasingly lethal 'pranks.' As of this writing, destruction testing is discontinued.
5: See [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/document-050"]Document 050[/URL].[/quote]
Document 50 is in code, since it's fucking long.
[code][I]The Great Researcher Prank War of '██"[/I] [B]Current Holder of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL]:[/B]
Bright
English
Lotharie B. Dumount
Agatha Rights
Lotharie B. Dumount
Dr. Kondraki
Dr. English
Dr. Bright
Lotharie B. Dumount
Yoric Elroy
Lotharie B. Dumount
George Norman
Dr. English
Prof. K.P. Crow
Professor Skali Sharpnose
Dr. Gerald
Agent Bavil
Iceberg
Dr. Hyrule
Agent Palhinuk
Dr. Coleman
Dr. Light
Dr. Coleman
Agent Palhinuk
Agent Apocalemur
Dr. Kald
Mr. Noaqiyeum
Leicontis
Dr. Kald
Dr. Zara
Agent Carriontrooper
Agent Apocalemur
Dr. Coleman
Dr. Kald
Dr. Coleman
Dr. Light
Research Assistant Schumacher
Dr. Okagawa
Mr. Noaqiyeum
Dr. Kald
Mr. Noaqiyeum
Dr. Bright
Systems Technician Kent
LOrd Kikasss!!1!! i rule yay1!!1!
Dr. Light
Delivery Agent Roadrunner
Dr. Edison
Delivery Agent Roadrunner
[I]Dr. ████[/I]
On 01/██/20██, Dr. Jack Bright was 'given the bird' on his way to the movies by a passing motorist. As is fairly normal for Dr. Bright, he tracked down the owner of the vehicle through the car's license plate, then proceeded to drive the gentleman to suicide via the use of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-720"]SCP-720[/URL].
While sanitizing the scene, Dr. Bright noticed an unusual monkey statue, but thought nothing of it. He continued on as normal, until, upon arrival at his office, he found the same statue waiting for him. His office had been tidied in his absence, and everything filed away, which came as something of a shock for the naturally messy Dr. Bright.
Upon further investigation, it was found that despite the apparent tidiness of his office, all of his pens had been drained of all but the last bit of ink, and several important documents had been translated into Aramaic.
Dr. Bright immediately began the usual testing of this new SCP, but found himself going nowhere, until Dr. Rights, as payback for something unspecified, smeared his desk with one half of a compound epoxy, and applied the other half of the compound to his utensils. At this point, SCP-050 vanished from Dr. Bright's office, reappearing in Dr. Rights' office, whereupon 050 began the clean up again.
After several tests, it became apparent that SCP-050 was easily contained, as long as no one outside the Foundation proved to be cleverer than the Foundation scientists. Of course, this led to many of the Foundation scientists seeking to claim the title of 'Most Clever' for themselves.
And thus began the "Great Researcher Prank War of '09."
[B]Memorandum 050-A:[/B] No good will come of this. — Fish
[B]Memorandum 050-B:[/B] Lethal pranks are not allowed to be performed upon anyone but Dr. Bright and D class personnel. — O5-█
[B]Memorandum 050-C:[/B] If any attempt is made by Dr. Kondraki to enter this competition by any means, Site-17 is to be locked down and the doctor himself neutralized by any means available.
[B]Note:[/B] [I]We're still cleaning up the mess at Site-19, and I don't think I need to inform anyone of the potential risk Dr. Kondraki would represent if he were to vie for this "Most Clever" title. The mere idea of a competitively malicious Kondraki is scary enough.[/I] — O5-█
[B]Entry 1:[/B] On █/█/2009, Dr. English re-opened [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/Scp-048"]SCP-048[/URL] and listed Dr. Bright as the subject of study. The change slipped through the cracks and a few days later, Dr. Bright somehow managed to sleepwalk into SCP-040's containment room and upon seeing the desires in his dreams, SCP-040 changed him into a 52 kg statue of a turnip. The next morning, SCP-050 appeared on Dr. English's desk and the room had been cleaned as usual.
[B]Note:[/B] [I]Dr. English either neglected or simply forgot to revert SCP-048's files back to being closed. The mistake was not discovered and corrected until several days, and several incarnations of Dr. Bright, later. - O5-█[/I]
[B]Entry 2:[/B] On ██/█/2009, Dr. English was admitted to the medical wards with severe abdominal pains. Subsequent testing showed that Dr. English was incubating the larvae of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-562"]SCP-562[/URL]. Subsequent review of medical logs also showed that Dr. Dumount had somehow convinced Dr. English to strip naked and coat himself with green jello as part of the medical testing. Instead of curing the infestation of SCP-562 larvae, Dr. Dumount provided Dr. English with a large sugar pill, and a smaller sugar pill. Dr. English was told to take the large pill anally. Dr. English complied. Shortly thereafter SCP-050 appeared in Dr. Dumont's office. It was later found that a sample of SCP-562's saliva had somehow gotten mixed into several drinks which were placed in Dr. English's cooler.
[B]Note:[/B] [I]At present there is no cure for infection of SCP-562's larvae. Anything toxic enough to kill the larvae is toxic enough to kill the host. Fortunately after eruption no trace of SCP-562 remains in the system ~ Dr. Dumount[/I]
[B]Entry 3:[/B] On ██/█/2009, Dr. Rights obtained SCP-050 from Dumount Dr. English. After several days of reviewing security tapes, the events of ██/█ are believed to have occurred as such, although Rights has refused to verify. Using [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-715"]SCP-715[/URL], Rights acquired several clones of herself before finding one that was willing to participate in the prank. Said Clone was taken to [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-542"]SCP-542[/URL], who (under Rights' instuctions) proceeded to surgically maim her. The fatally-injured Clone was then rushed to Dr. Dumount's English's medical ward by an emergency medical team (who was also in on the joke). At some point, during the above events, Dr. Rights convinced [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-347"]SCP-347[/URL] to take part in the joke through unknown means. SCP-347 entered Dumount's English's surgical suite and proceeded to misplace vital instruments and cause machinery to malfunction while Dr. Dumount English attempted to save the Clone's life, under the impression that the real Dr. Rights was dying. When the Clone flatlined, Dr. Dumount English was observed to be under considerable stress, followed by confusion when the clone fully expired, and dissolved into dust. Dumount Dr. English was understandably distressed when the real Rights burst into the medical suite and screamed "SURPRISE!" before being overcome with hysterical laughter. SCP-050 was found in her office later that night.
[I]Note: "I'm pretty sure that killing yourself doesn't count as a fatal prank." ~ Dr. Rights.[/I]
[I]Note: Dr. Rights and the SCPs and medical team she used in the course of her prank were subjected to mandatory examinations. It is believed that she controlled the events through various amounts of alcohol, samples of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-562"]SCP-562[/URL] mucus she had stolen from Dr. Dumount's office, and small amounts of other drugs and offering various gifts. Dr. Rights is no longer allowed to request sleep aids — specifically rohypnol — from the medical ward. - O5-█[/I]
[B]Entry 4:[/B] In an attempt to regain the coveted trophy, Dr. English wrote the events of Entry 2 on a sheet of paper and used [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-871"]SCP-871[/URL] to erase the events from existence. Unfortunately for Dr. English, while the events never happened, this meant that Dr. Agatha Rights' prank was played out on Dr. English, rather than Dr. Dumount. Though he did erase some rather embarrassing events from the past, Dr. English did not regain SCP-050.
[I]Note: SCP-871 is now off-limits to all personnel without prior approval from a supervising O5. If you choose to enter this little cavalcade of idiocy, you can deal with the consequences.[/I] - O5-█
[B]Entry 5:[/B] On ██/█/2009, [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-562-1"]SCP-562-1[/URL], Agatha Rights' pet member of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-562"]SCP-562[/URL] acquired vocabulary which is generally considered socially inappropriate, including "███", "████", "████", "Boobies", and "Penis". It began to recite these words when in a heightened emotional state. Furthermore it began to request kisses of people with whom it interacted repeatedly. Dr. Rights reportedly cursed and came to Dr. Dumount to request 'some sort of lip condom' because of 'irresistible puppy eyes'. Later Dr. Rights came to Dr. Dumount with some sort of stomach cramps. Dr. Dumount diagnosed SCP-562 larval infestation, and prescribed that Dr. Rights go to a class for safety in sexual intercourse. Dr. Rights was reported to be worried and stressed about the idea of 'puking out babies'. It was later discovered that the inside of the 'lip condom' given to Dr. Rights had been coated with Ipecac, and that Dr. Rights was not, in fact, infested with SCP-562. SCP-050 was later discovered in Dr. Dumount's office.
[B]Entry 6:[/B] Despite attempts to limit any access to SCPs during the duration of the contest, Dr. Kondraki had apparently already planned for such an occasion. He was seen entering Dr. Dumount's personal dormitory, and replacing an item from his shower with an exact duplicate, before departing. Access to the security camera in the dormitory was lost at approximately 2:██ PM. At this time, Dr. Dumount entered his quarters dripping with some sort of foul substance, and immediately made his way to the shower. After his shower, Dr. Dumount returns to his main room and is assumed to get dressed. Reports from adjoining dormitories confirm screams of terror and pain, as Dr. Dumount's clothing had apparently caught fire once in prolonged contact with his skin. At this time, [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-515"]SCP-515[/URL] began to broadcast the footage from the camera to Dr. Kondraki's personal computer. [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-408"]SCP-408[/URL] revealed itself in a nearby crowded cafeteria, and displayed the live feed of a now mostly naked Dr. Dumount flailing about. Not to be satisfied, an explosion was heard by several researchers during their lunch, later to be confirmed as the long missing [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-252"]SCP-252[/URL]. It was at this point that Dr. Kondraki returned to the dormitory, with [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-285"]SCP-285[/URL] in hand, and held the opposite end to the doctor's ear, with the mouthpiece directed in the general vicinity of the cafeteria. Dr. Dumount appears highly disquieted by the psychic noise, and despite his burns proceeds to curl up in bed and shudder. He was heard repeating 'loudnoise'. SCP-050 was discovered in Dr. Kondraki's administrative offices shortly afterward.
Note: [I]Dr. Dumount's burns have been healing nicely, but I doubt the psychological scarring will fade any time soon.[/I] - Dr. ██████
[B]Entry 7:[/B] It is April 1st, 2009. Dr. English made a seemingly innocuous comment to Dr. Kondraki about April Fool's Day being the perfect day for a prank. Though he wasn't worried about the thought, it did make him spend most of the day looking over his shoulder waiting to catch someone in a prank. Annoyed that nobody had the courage to prank him on April Fool's Day, Kondraki became distracted by his own agitation and walked into a pit containing [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-761"]SCP-761[/URL]. Upon hitting the surface of the SCP, he fell through and ended up in an empty containment cell on the floor below. Dr. Kondraki spent 8 hours in the cell before a fellow researcher passed by and saw him banging on the observation window. SCP-050 appeared on Dr. English's desk the next morning.
[B]Entry 8:[/B] Dr. Bright accesses [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-705"]SCP-705[/URL]. 705 is allowed access to approximately one hundred pounds of similarly colored play dough. After several minutes 'conversation', the new army retreats to the ventilation shafts. No footage of Dr. English's room exists, but several hours later Dr. English stumbles out, covered in little red welts, and red play dough, swearing and muttering. SCP-050 transfers ownership to Dr. Bright.
[B]Entry 9:[/B] 08:00 hours. Dr. Dumount reported to be whistling while baking a pie. 11:15 hours. Dr. Dumount begins to walk past containment for [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-070"]SCP-070[/URL] heading in the direction of Rights' office. 11:16 hours. 070 breaches containment. [I]Note: Dr. Dumount had been responsible for keeping 070 fed. Why there was no food in 070's containment is presently unknown as Dr. Dumount claims to have placed food within the containment.[/I] 11:17 070 enters pursuit of Dr. Dumount. 11:20 Dr. Dumount hands pie to Dr. Bright with orders to get it to Rights while he deals with 070. Dr. Bright reports experiencing an abnormal and strong compulsion to successfully deliver the pie, origin at present unknown. 12:00 Other SCPs begin to breach containment. All begin to pursue Dr. Bright. Even sentient SCP who are normally non-aggressive began to pursue Dr. Bright. 12:20. 070 subdued with soup. 12:30 Dr. Bright continues to flee SCPs during extreme containment procedures, and is heard chanting 'get pie to Rights, get pie to Rights'. 12:40 Dr. Bright arrives at Right's office to find it empty. 13:00 Dr. Bright begins to search for Rights while still being pursued by SCPs demanding pie. 14:00 Dr. Bright, worn out, finds Rights and delivers the pie. Rights seems surprised that Dumount was not delivering the pie. Rights apologizes for the inconvenience, and tells pursuing SCPs to return to containment. SCPs do so. Rights eats pie. Statue appears in Dumount's office.
[B]Entry 10:[/B] Upon returning to his office on ██/█/2009, Dr. Dumount was surprised to find the statue replaced with a note, reading: "Wow, seriously? I can't believe no one's thought of this! Also, check." The statue was later located in the staff locker of Agent Yoric, who had simply stolen it, the cheeky bastard.
[B]Entry 11:[/B] Statue returned to Dumount. Yoric's living space in utter disarray. Note tattooed onto Yoric's forehead in Aramaic and in unknown handwriting reads, "I must be earned, not taken. Nice try, just not clever enough."
[B]Entry 12:[/B] Dr. Dumount was reported to be 4 hours late for his shift check in, with no reports of anyone having seen him. Fearing an escape attempt, a large scale search began. Two hours after that Dr. Dumount was reported hanging upside from a rope tied around his left foot in an infrequently used storeroom. Dr. Dumount was wearing assless leather chaps and carrying a card requesting a clandestine meeting in the storeroom. While Rights' signature on the card was forged remarkably well, the card was still a fake. Dr. Rights identified the chaps as a gift she had gotten Dumount earlier which he had reportedly sworn to never wear. Dumount claims that he was forced into them after he had been caught.
Statue appears in the office of Field Researcher Norman.
[B]Entry 13:[/B] At 06:35 on █/█/2009, Field Researcher Norman was found hanging from the ceiling of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-028"]SCP-028[/URL]'s containment chamber by a chain, swinging through it repeatedly. It isn't clear how long he had been there, how he got there or how severely his exposure damaged his mind, but when the medical staff at Site-██ were able to awaken him, he repeated the words "I know" every few seconds until one of the doctors asked what he knew, to which he replied "everything" before passing out. At 19:36, Norman woke up screaming and has not stopped since. Medical staff are unsure when or if Norman will be able to return to work, and classifying him as SCP-028-2 for study is currently in discussion by O5 staff. It has been noted by cleaning staff that they've not had to service Dr. English's office since █/█/2009.
[B]Entry 14:[/B] At 07.50 on █/█/2009, routine cleaning staff discovered a large amount of human semen on the floor of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-040"]SCP-040[/URL]'s containment unit. Recorded security footage shows Dr. English was the last to enter the containment unit at 04.28, three hours previous. After this point, it is discovered that Dr. English was spotted in several other locations on various sites during the previous week. Each sighting was in the general vicinity of the containment of SCPs that either resemble, require, or are humanoid children of below twelve years. Further investigation has discovered large amounts of human semen either in the containment units of these SCPs themselves, or in a viewing area regarding them. Biological analysis has proven that this semen does indeed belong to Dr. English, and he has been taken in for a full psychological profile and therapy.
In unrelated news, Professor K.P. Crow requested the use of several minor SCPs regarding his experiments, (most notably [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-294"]SCP-294[/URL] and [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-721"]SCP-721[/URL]), during his bi-annual tour of the facilities for biological analysis of all humanoid SCPs during the week. SCP-050 has appeared in his office in his absence.
[B]Entry 15:[/B] At 01:34 on █/██/2009, Professor Skali Sharpnose was seen entering into the air-processing area of Bio-Research Area-12. He seems to have distracted the guard by starting a conversation and subsequently performing some form of hypnosis (or simply being long-winded and boring) and lulling him into a sleep-like state. He then entered into the air-processing room and introduced a Class-3 airborne sedative into the sleeping quarters of Kain Pathos Crow. Security footage then shows Professor Skali entering into Crow's quarters wearing a gas-mask and carrying a large portable dog-kennel. He is seen leaving several minutes later and is able to exit the facility without arousing suspicions about the identity of the kennel's occupant. Apparently, most site personnel are simply unable to recognize Crow without his glasses. [I]NOTE: Surveillance back-track of Professor Skali shows him several days earlier obtaining a cup of an unknown liquid from [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-294"]SCP-294[/URL], using the input "Amnesiacolada". It is believed that he administered this liquid to Crow while he was sedated.[/I] Upon leaving Bio-Research Area-12, Professor Skali drove to the nearby town of ███████, where he admitted Crow to the "Paws/Play No-Kill Animal Shelter" and scheduled Crow for a neutering surgery. SCP-050 awaited him on his desk when he returned to his office.
[B]Entry 16:[/B] At 3:40 on ██/██/2009, Professor Sharpnose was conducting research with his assigned research assistant, Dr. Johnathan Vann. However, due to several errors made by Dr. Vann, Professor Sharpnose was forced to stay longer than scheduled, and missed dinner. When he entered the Site-██ cafeteria, Professor Sharpnose found it to be empty, with a tray of food set out for him. Immediately after eating, Professor Sharpnose visited a nearby restroom.
Reports state that several minutes later Professor Sharpnose was found running through the site ██ hallways, with his pants around his ankles and [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-548"]SCP-548[/URL] on his left buttock. It was later discovered that the restroom in question had 'out of order' signs on every stall except for one, and traces of "Poo-4-You" laxatives were found on the dinner plate used by Professor Sharpnose. He was treated for several cases of frostbite, and SCP-050 appeared on the desk of head research assistant Dr. Gerald.
[B]Entry 17:[/B] At 4:50 AM on ██/██/████, Agent Bavil snuck into [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-252"]SCP-252[/URL]'s containment room and removed it from containment and proceeded to place it in Dr. Gerald's office while rigging it so that when Gerald entered his office and sat down he would set off the bomb.
Later that day, just that happened. Researchers nearby report hearing a "Bang" followed closely by the scream of a surprised Gerald and a thick cloud of pink smoke billowing from his office. Gerald runs out of his office and straight into a Guard who had been on death row for rape. The guard coughs as pink smoke fills his lungs and proceeds to drag Gerald off to a more "private place".
[URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] is later found in Agent Bavil's quarters.
[B]Entry 18:[/B] At 11:30 pm on ██/██/████, Agent Dmitri is seen exiting his room in full rage, carrying a machine gun. Smoke pours from the open door of his quarters.
Senior Researcher Iceberg is later found to be in possession of 050, proving that a good enough prank will attract 050's attention no matter the target.
[B]Entry 19:[/B] At 5:20 pm on ██/██/████, Dr. Dumount was seen requesting a disk from Researcher Iceberg. He returned it the same day. At 10:20 pm, Iceberg was seen with a video camera and [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-113"]SCP-113[/URL]. He proceeded to stand in the middle of the cafeteria, set up the camera, and strip, and then began to poke [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-113"]SCP-113[/URL] repeatedly, once every minute and 2.2 seconds. The video was later emailed from an unknown account to all personnel above Level 4. Interestingly, [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] was in fact found in Dr. Hyrule's office.
Addendum: Dr. Hyrule had checked out a copy of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-061"]SCP-061[/URL] earlier that week, and proceeded to obtain a cup of "amnesiacolada" from [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-294"]SCP-294[/URL]. Unsurprisingly, Dr. Dumount remembers nothing of these events.
[B]Entry 20:[/B] At 3:37 pm ██/██/████, Agent Palhinuk was seen by witnesses twirling a pen similar to [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-287"]SCP-287[/URL] in his hand, leaving the vicinity of Dr. Hyrule's office. Three minutes later, Dr. Hyrule was reported to have run, screaming from his office in tremendous amounts of displeasure. Further investigation shows footage of Agent Palhinuk writing down a document on a sheet of paper in an obscure version of upper-class Italian from the 1600's, then preceding to use [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-294"]SCP-294[/URL] to dispense a cup of brown liquid, after inputting "carbonatedbatguano" on the keypad. He then precede to deliver the cup and the paper, claiming it to be work-related, reportedly claiming the cup was some root beer leftover from lunch. When translated, the note read "You are drinking bat shit. Enjoy it thoroughly!"
[URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] appeared in Agent Palhinuk's office twenty minutes later.
[B]Entry 21:[/B] At 1:17pm ██/██/████, Agent Palhinuk was found by Dr. ██████ in the men's bathroom rolling on the floor alternately clutching his face and genitals. To the doctors who arrived on the scene, it appeared that Agent Palhinuk had been maced at close range in both the face and groin. After dousing Agent Palhinuk's eyes and groin with a counter agent, he was asked why he was found in such a condition. Palhinuk replied that he had been steadily hiding more and more of Dr. Coleman's cooking utensils over a period of weeks and Dr. Coleman had confronted him about it and laughed it off and offered to make a truce with a handshake. Agent Palhinuk then accepted some food from Dr. Coleman and was suddenly struck with the need to visit the bathroom. Upon reaching the bathroom, Agent Palhinuk began to urinate normally before feeling a burning sensation in the head of his penis, "like someone had dipped it in acid," and began to tear up. Upon wiping the tears away, the burning sensation appeared in his eyes and he was left in a state of agony until he was found later. It was found after analysis of the compound on Agent Palhinuk's eyes and genitals that it was a very refined form of capsicum of well over 7,000,000 scovilles.
Dr. Coleman was found to have run a collection of chillies and spices through [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-914"]SCP-914[/URL] until a clear liquid was dispensed. He then covered his gloved hands with said liquid before confronting Agent Palhinuk over his pranks. Dr. Coleman was also seen lacing the food offered to Agent Palhinuk with a powerful laxative. When questioned why he performed such an action, Dr. Coleman's reply was simply, "You do not fuck with my food."
Later that day, [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] was found missing from Agent Palhinuk's office and could not be located anywhere within the bounds of Site-19. Site-23 then contacted Site-19 stating that an item matching [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] had appeared on Dr. Coleman's desk. Apparently [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] will relocate itself to the place of work the owner considers to be "theirs" rather than an area they may occupy temporarily.
[B]Entry 22:[/B] At 10:25 am ██/██/████, Dr. Coleman returned from a brief coffee break to discover a typed note sitting on his desk, rewritten here.[INDENT] Dr. Coleman,
It seems there was a problem with the Class-A Amnesiac you requested following your [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-231"]SCP-231[/URL] assignment. Please hop on the next plane leaving from the site, and wait until someone comes and picks you up so that we can get this all sorted out.
Cheers,
O5-███
[/INDENT]Despite factual and stylistic errors in this note (inappropriately informal style, the fact that there is no Overseer 3.14), Dr. Coleman apparently took the note seriously and became highly distressed. Dr. Coleman boarded the next airplane leaving Site-23, which turned out to be a regularly scheduled flight travelling to Site-19.
Dr. Coleman apparently did not realize this until landing, at which point he still waited over eight hours outside the site, before a guard found him and asked him what he was doing. Dr. Coleman soon confirmed that he had never been asigned to SCP-231, and quickly worked out what had happened.
In addition, upon reaching his office at Site-23, it was discovered that the floor of the room (which was over an empty research chamber) had been removed and entirely flooded with a high-strength non-Newtonian fluid. All of the furnishings of the room, including the floor tiles, had been replaced via an unknown method, so that it was not immediately obvious what had happened.
The conductor of the prank was revealed when [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] appeared on the counter of Dr. Light's laboratory in Site-19. It is worth noting that while Dr. Light was temporarily on assignment at Site-23, SCP-050 targeted her primary laboratory, shedding more light on the object's nature.
Addendum:
[I]Where on earth did you get that much cornstarch?[/I] - Dr. Coleman
[I]I know a guy. And a cloning tree.[/I] - Dr. Light
[B]Entry 23:[/B] At 9:02am ██/██/████, sounds of a pitched battle were found to be coming from the office of Dr. Light. When security teams investigated, Dr. Light was found tied down to the floor, apparently unconscious with a massive contingent of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-705"]SCP-705[/URL] including many vehicles and armaments not previously found to have been created by it. After engaging the massed forces of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-705"]SCP-705[/URL] and defeating them with the help of a high-pressure water cannon, the security detail found that some 7 tons of Play Doh had been animated by [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-705"]SCP-705[/URL] and told to ambush Dr. Light when she arrived at work that morning. The security team also found many military vehicle and armament recognition guides, both fictional and non-fictional, and a collection of items designed for their use but not constructed of Play Doh.
These included the following:
[LIST]
[*]1 Gas powered syringe cannon.
[*]11 Syringes containing a potent sedative.
[*]400 Wire lengths with pegged ends.
[*]1 Gas powered piston used to secure the wire lengths to the floor.
[/LIST]
Due to the use of the high-pressure hose most of Dr. Light's office was irretrievably damaged and she was relocated to a temporary office until repairs can be made. The release of video of the entire event, from her sedation to the hosing down of her office, being released to all members of Site-17 also coincided with the delivery of a note to her new office with the words "You realize this means war?" written on it in handwriting not recognized by staff at Site-17.
Addendum:
[URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] was later found on the temporary desk of Dr. Coleman at Site-17. Upon being asked how he obtained the 7 tons of Play Doh his response was [I]"I know a guy, and they have a cloning tree as well, as it turns out."[/I]
[B]Entry 24:[/B] At 5:38pm ██/██/2009, a person matching Agent Palhinuk's description was seen fleeing from a live-fire training facility, away from yells of pain that most witnesses claim sounded like Dr. Coleman from the training grounds. Footage from the facility shows Agent Palhinuk discussing something with Dr. Coleman with a pair of, what appear to be, hand wraps on his palms. He then produced a small water bottle from his pocket, containing a blue liquid inside, showing it to the doctor, then taking a drink. He then preceded to instruct a nearby Level 2 operative to fire a .40S&W round from a Sig Sauer at the agent's hand. The Level 2 hesitantly complies, firing at Agent Palhinuk. The video tape show Agent Palhinuk stopping the bullet with his index finger and thumb. Afterward, he offered Dr Coleman the bottle, of which the doctor promptly took a sip and instructed the Level 2 to shoot another round at him. Just as the Level 2 readies himself and pulls the trigger, Agent Palhinuk is seen exiting the grounds just as the bullet passes through Dr Coleman's hand and implants in his shoulder. Footage of Agent Palhinuk's escape shows the hand-wraps he had been wearing to fall away, only showing a glimpse of something black on his hands. Coincidentally, [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-311"]SCP-311[/URL] had been checked out of its containment box earlier that afternoon.
[URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] soon appeared on Agent Palhinuk's desk later that afternoon, with a collective of fresh vacuum marks on his carpeting and a notable lemony zest scent in the air.
[B]Entry 25:[/B] At 9:22 pm, ██/██/2009, Agent Apocalemur was observed entering Agent Palhinuk's quarters carrying a cloth bundle. Five minutes later, he was observed leaving, still carrying the bundle.
The following day, Agent Palhinuk did not report for work. All attempts to locate him failed. He finally contacted the Foundation at 7:30 pm, claiming he had woken up inside a blue tunnel that led to the baggage hold of a commercial jet bound for Tokyo. Subsequent examination of Agent Palhinuk's quarters revealed that the thermostat had been set to its lowest setting, and all of the blankets had been removed and replaced with [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-411"]SCP-411[/URL].
[URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] was discovered on Agent Apocalemur's desk that evening.
[B]Entry 26:[/B] At 7:28 pm, █/██/2009, Agent Apocalemur was called away by Assistant Researcher Fnumhaus, under the pretense of a [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-173"]SCP-173[/URL] containment breach. Security cameras reported Doctor Josef Kald entering Agent Apocalemur's quarters at approximately 7:33, carrying a large object wrapped in brown packaging paper and kite string. Josef Kald leaves Apocalemur's quarters at 7:35. Agent Apocalemur and Assistant Researcher Fnumhaus return at approximately 7:42, Fnumhaus in tears and obviously distressed. Agent Apocalemur is observed to reassure Fnumhaus briefly, offering her a pack of tissues. Fnumhaus leaves in the direction of the cafeteria.
Agent Apocalemur pauses briefly when he reaches his door - it had, apparently, been left open slightly. 1 Minute later, Agent Apocalemur is seen backing slowly out of his office, keeping his eyes fixed on something inside. It is at this point that the floor gives way beneath Apocalemur's feet.
Investigation lead to the discovery that Josef Kald had placed a replica of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-173"]SCP-173[/URL] in Apocalemur's office, positioned just behind his bookcase so that it looked like it was "peeking out". It was positioned in such a way that it faced the door, establishing "eye contact" with whoever might enter the room. Small pools of blood and feces were discovered around the replica's feet, belonging to three different D-Class and Josef Kald himself respectively. (Upon later questioning, the D-Class admitted to having allowed Kald to draw blood from them with syringes, under pretense of an SCP that needed blood as part of its diet. Kald is not, and has never been, assigned to the care of such an SCP.)
The floor in front of Apocalemur's office had been sabotaged from the floor below, leaving whoever stepped on it twice to drop into a containment cell below. This containment cell was soundproof, for use in emergency storage of audio-memetic SCPs. The floor had been covered in mattresses, ensuring a soft fall, and the door was locked, despite the cell not being in use.
Agent Apocalemur was discovered three days later, during routine security check on the emergency cells, dehydrated and incredibly hungry, with a sprained wrist.
The replica of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-173"]SCP-173[/URL] (made of wire frame, papier mache and spray-paint) was relocated to Doctor Josef Kald's office, shortly followed by [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL].
Addendum:
[I]I fucking hate you.[/I] - Assistant Researcher Fnumhaus.
[I]Wel, entschuuuuldigung, Prinzessin.[/I] - Doctor Kald
[B]Entry 27:[/B] At 1714 hours, ██/██/2009, security cameras observed Dr. Josef Kald leaving his office for, he claims, "a snack", closing the door behind him. At this time both his office and the hallspace immediately outside his door were unoccupied, and the security record reflects this state for the following 13.25 hours. Dr. Kald reports returning to his office at 5:23 and finding that the door was slightly ajar, which raised his suspicions; however, as the rest of the room appeared to be untouched, he thought nothing of it. Dr. Kald reports leaving the office for the evening two hours later, which is confirmed by the time log. At this time nothing out of the ordinary appears to have occurred, save for the tampering in the security system.
At 0700 am the next day, Dr. Kald reports that his desk exploded upon opening the door to his office, activating fire suppression systems and triggering an alarm. At 0702, security arrived and discovered that the wooden contents of Dr. Kald's office had been replaced by a large swarm of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-236"]SCP-236[/URL]; by 0715, the security camera failure was detected, and a security team working with Dr. Kald, who was burned but largely uninjured, traced the breach to a laptop in a nearby hallway. The laptop was identified as belonging to Agent Apocalemur. Dr. Kald requests to view the security feed of Apocalemur's office, which shows what appears to be SCP-050 on his recently-cleaned desk. At 0945 the outbreak was deemed contained, and Dr. Kald was assigned a new temporary office.
At 1220, following Dr. Kald's report, Agent Apocalemur was summoned for a disciplinary hearing for violating SCP-236's containment procedures without authorization; Apocalemur claimed not to know anything about the situation and having assumed that SCP-050 deemed Dr. Kald's prank insufficiently clever and returned of its own volition.
At 0715 am the following day, Agent Apocalemur found that all metal contents of his office had vanished, and that his floor and desk were covered by a swarm of figures resembling [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-068"]SCP-068[/URL], which began to swarm into the hallway when the door was opened. By 0724, the outbreak was considered contained, and a review of security footage revealed that Dr. Kald had entered Apocalemur's office the previous day during the disciplinary hearing and planted a figure of SCP-068 in one of his filing cabinets; by 0730 it was confirmed that the original SCP-068 remained in containment, and the remaining replicas were disposed of. The security officers on duty at the time were found to have participated in Dr. Kald's breach trace that morning and were reprimanded. However, further review of the footage revealed that the statuette of SCP-050 was among the objects consumed by the outbreak of SCP-068; as all the replicas had been successfully destroyed, it was concluded that this statuette was an ordinary duplicate of SCP-050. At this time, the whereabouts of SCP-050 are unknown. Agent Apocalemur has been found innocent and sent out on assignment, and Dr. Kald has been disciplined for violating SCP-068's containment procedures without authorization.
[I]Addendum[/I]: At 0926 hours, an envelope were delivered to Assistant Researcher Fnumhaus's office. The envelope reportedly contained an unsigned letter, typewritten in German, apologizing for using her in "the prank related to SCP-050"; Ms. Fnumhaus was unable to recall any further details, and reports that she immediately disposed of it in the nearest incinerator, finding upon returning to her office that it had been wallpapered with her files. At 1130 hours, Dr. Kald received a notification that new office space had been found for him and he was to report to Room 2216, which he found was actually the new storage space for [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-173"]SCP-173[/URL]. Ms. Fnumhaus has been disciplined for violating procedure, but SCP-050 still has not been found.
[I]Addendum[/I]: Upon questioning, maintenance staff report that Mr. Noaqiyeum's office has been unusually clean for the past week.
[B]Entry 28:[/B] At 0915 hours, ██/██/2009, personnel near the office of Mr. Noaqiyeum reported an explosion, as well as an overwhelming odor of dog feces and tomato sauce. Security cameras outside Mr. Noaqiyeum's office show Mr. Noaqiyeum exiting his office, clearly disoriented and covered in a reddish-brown substance. Investigation revealed five rough holes in the floor of the office, each approximately 0.75 meters in diameter, located in the four corners of the room and directly under the typical location of Mr. Noaqiyeum's desk chair. Debris was found in the office consistent with five digital audio recorders fitted with remote activators, and a compact signaling device connected to a pressure switch was found in the seat of Mr. Noaqiyeum's desk chair. Reconstruction of the data on the audio recorders shows it to be a recording of a [DATA EXPUNGED] comedy routine.
At approximately 1400 hours the previous day, security cameras captured Researcher Leicontis repeatedly entering a vacant office directly beneath that of Mr. Noaqiyeum carrying a total of five standard 5-gallon (19 liter) buckets and a duffel bag. Researcher Leicontis's office shows signs of recent extensive cleaning.
[I]Note: Researcher Leicontis's proposal to research weaponization of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-504"]SCP-504[/URL] is hereby approved.[/I] - O5-██
[B]Entry 29:[/B] At 15:35 hours, ██/██/2009, Researcher Leicontis was seen leaving his office. Doctor Kald was seen entering Leicontis' office at 15:40 hours, carrying 5 large sacks which were dripping with an undistinguished red fluid, a large mess of thin wires and pulleys. Doctor Kald was then seen leaving at 16:18, sprinting in the opposite direction that Leicontis had left in earlier. Personnel in adjacent offices reported hearing somebody yelling "Fuck fuck fuck fuck" at approximately this time. Researcher Leicontis seen returning to his office at 16:20. Ran out in panic fifteen seconds later, falling down, quickly getting up, and taking off in full sprint down the hall. Several doctors in adjacent offices opened their doors, looked in the direction Leicontis left in, looked at Leicontis' open office door, and rapidly closed their own. Alarms were sounded, and security personnel armed with flamethrowers were called to answer threat of a possible [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-008"]SCP-008[/URL] outbreak.
As it turns out, Dr. Kald had constructed five replicas of human bodies from steak and chicken breast, and then cut and painted them to resemble people infected with [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-008"]SCP-008[/URL]. They were hung from the ceiling using wires and pulleys, and rigged so that they'd be set in motion indicative of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-008"]SCP-008[/URL] infectees when the door was opened. On the same day, cafeteria personnel had reported several kilograms of meat had gone missing from their stock.
[URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] has been located on top of Dr. Kald's bookcase.
[B]Entry 30:[/B] From ██/██/2009 to ██/██/2009, maintenance teams were called twenty-seven times to Dr. Kald's office while he was out, all having received orders to install, repair, or remove a piece of furniture from the office, apparently at random. Dr. Kald became increasingly paranoid about these intrusions, considering his possession of SCP-050, and at ██:██ of ██/██/2009, decided to bring his paperwork and the SCP back to his quarters and work from there. Upon entering his quarters, Dr. Kald was doused by the contents of a bucket carefully balanced on the entrance's doorjamb.
A database search determined all the maintenance requests to have been made from terminals Dr. Zara had access to. When questioned, he replied with a terse letter containing an image of SCP-050 sitting inside his mini-fridge.
[B]Entry 31:[/B] At 02:31 hours, ██/██/2009, security cameras monitoring [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-603"]SCP-603[/URL]'s containment locker, adjacent containment rooms and halls in storage site-23 were disrupted for about thirty seconds. No change was detected when the cameras flickered back on. At 03:52 hours the same day, security cameras near Dr. Zara's quarters, Dr. Kald's office, and Researcher Leicontis' office experienced some disruption which lasted about ten minutes, long enough for the night guards to notice. The respective personnel were immediately notified. Dr. Kald's office door and Dr. Zara's quarters' door were observed to be slightly ajar, and both of them immediately hurried to the site. Both immediately demanded access to the surveillance servers. During their self-investigation, they were observed to distrust each other until they found out a certain terminal in Researcher Leicontis' office was responsible for the security camera disruption. They both then confronted Researcher Leicontis, which had just arrived on the site, demanding him to confess. Coaxed by Dr. Kald's demand to investigate the terminal, the three of them then entered Researcher Leicontis' office at approximately 04:10 hours. At 04:11, a loud bang was heard coming from Researcher Leicontis' office. Dr. Zara, Dr. Kald and Researcher Leicontis came out of the office covered in chunky tomato juice. Investigations found that a small floor tile in Researcher Leicontis' office had been removed, and a small hole containing a makeshift pressure plate, a miniature mp3 player containing the same [DATA EXPUNGED] comedy routine previously used by Researcher Leicontis, and the remains of five ripe tomatoes. The exact method used to trigger the activation of the mp3 player by the pressure plate is dubious, but it has been theorized that [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-603"]SCP-603[/URL] could be used to [DATA EXPUNGED].
Extended investigations discovered Agent Carriontrooper's fingerprints on [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-603"]SCP-603[/URL]'s containment locker. Agent Carriontrooper was listed as on duty in [DATA EXPUNGED], ████ km from the site, at ██/██/2009.
[URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] was discovered missing from Dr. Zara's mini-fridge, and reported as having appeared in Agent Carriontrooper's office in the SCP South East Asian Branch's Headquarters. It is now clear that Agent Carriontrooper had somehow hacked his way to the surveillance cameras and personnel location databases during the incident.
[B]Entry 32:[/B] On ██/██/2009, an email began to circulate among the Foundation staff. Attached to the email was a video that appeared to depict Agent Carriontrooper engaging in [DATA EXPUNGED] with SCP-███, ███, ███, and ███. Agent Carriontrooper was brought up on disciplinary charges and given mandatory psychological counseling, despite his insistence that he had nothing to do with making the video.
[I]Addendum: Agent Apocalemur has successfully applied for approval to plant several[/I] [URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddleja"]Buddleja[/URL] [I]specimens in [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-408"]SCP-408[/URL]'s aviary. Attached to one bush was a note, simply reading: "Thanks. -A." Agent Apocalemur's quarters have recently been described as being uncharacteristically organized.[/I]
[B]Entry 33:[/B] On ██/██/2009, Dr. Coleman was seen pinning a notice to the breakroom notice board which read, "Due to the effects of SCP-███ all personel who have received a Class A or B amnesiac will be required to report to Dr. Light immediately." This was signed and notarised by no fewer than 17 members of O5 command and senior staff. After seeing this an email was immediately sent out retracting the information and causing mass panic among some of our more paranoid employees. After what can only be described as a "bum's rush" on Dr. Light's newly refurbished office resulting in the destruction of many items contained within, [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] was found on Dr. Coleman's desk.
[I]Addendum: When Dr. Coleman was asked why he hadn't pranked the previous holder of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] to gain control of it, he replied, "Well I'm not at war with them, now am I?"[/I]
[B]Entry 34:[/B] On ██/██/2009, Dr. Coleman was called away from his office by Assistant Researcher Fnumhaus (with legitimate reasons pertaining to [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-295"]SCP-295[/URL], for once) at 19:34. Dr. Kald was observed passing by on 19:36, looking at a printout he was clutching, then the nameplate on the door. Observed tapping the space where his chin would be located (covered by mask), then running away, returning some minutes later with a black pot of ink later identified as SCP-889. Observed exiting Coleman's office fifteen minutes later, with strangely shaped blots of ink covering his white surgeon's gloves. Was seen discarding them before entering an unused office a few doors down the hall.
Dr. Coleman was seen returning to his office at 20:21, with slightly singed clothing. When he entered his office, Dr. Kald burst out of the office he'd holed up in, pushing a heavy writing desk in front of him. Audio records registered "a battlecry of sorts". Seen placing desk in front of Dr. Coleman's door, barricading it succesfully and then sprinting down the hall at remarkable speed.
Audio records indicate screaming and banging on the door for approx. five minutes before several other researchers whose offices were located further down the hall removed the desk. Dr. Coleman observed stumbling out of his office screaming, "Clowns! All the blots are clowns!" Placed in recovery ward, as he was, as one doctor described it, "freaked out beyond BELIEF". Seems to be quickly heading toward full recovery.
[URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] has been located in Dr. Kald's new office, standing proudly on top of his fish tank.
Addendum: [I]Zeit für Krieg. -Dr. Josef Kald[/I]
[B]Entry 35:[/B] On ██/██/2009, Dr. Coleman was seen inserting caster sugar into the input booth of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-914"]SCP-914[/URL] set to Very Fine and retrieving a small white brick. He repeated this act until he had 8 such bricks. Dr. Coleman requested access to [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-408"]SCP-408[/URL]'s aviary on the evening of ██/██/2009 and after talking with the mass of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-408"]SCP-408[/URL] he left 2 bricks that were output from [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-914"]SCP-914[/URL] and left. On the morning of ██/██/2009 Dr. Kald vanished from the facility's security cameras in the blindspot between the dormitory he was staying at (due to what has now been found to have been a deliberate disruption to the parking system thanks to a number of food-based bribes by Dr. Coleman to low-level security staff) and his office.
From interviews with Dr. Kald taken during his counselling sessions, apparently he proceeded normally from the dormatory to his office unaware that [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-408"]SCP-408[/URL] was projecting an illusion of the facility and shielding him from normal security measures and taking him into an abandoned Keter-level holding cell where Dr. Coleman was seen placing the remaining 6 bricks of output into buckets of water. Dr. Coleman also placed a note on the floor near the entrance along with a standard 2-way radio handset, and set up a number of video cameras on tripods facing the note.
Upon entering the abandoned room, [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-408"]SCP-408[/URL] uncloaked partially to allow Dr. Kald to believe he was in a Keter-level holding cell which had initiated lockdown upon his entrance. Upon seeing the note and radio, Dr. Kald approached and picked up the note. The note was retrieved after the incident; its contents read:
[I]Dear Victim.[/I]
[I]In your hands you hold a declaration of war from one Dr. Peter Coleman. I am allowing you to see this and surrender peacefully. You will also find details of Site 17's newest resident [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-682"]SCP-682[/URL] - apparently O5 is going to attempt a new round of decommissioning, and you, my dear friend, are now standing no less than 6.096m (20') from him.[/I]
[I]Don't worry though, my dear victim. There is a way for you to survive. [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-408"]SCP-408[/URL], which has led you to here, can keep you undetectable to that big ugly monster for no longer than 15 minutes. So here is what you have to do. Strip naked and then use the radio in your hand to contact me on the pre-dialed frequency. After doing so, you need to sing the songs I request to the best of your ability. The better you do, the higher your chance of escape will be. If you impress me enough and follow my orders to the letter, I will enact the procedure to let you escape unharmed. If not, well… Sorry.[/I]
[I]Tick tock, Mr. Bond. Tick Tock.[/I]
[I]Yours Faithfully,[/I]
[I]Dr. Peter Coleman.[/I]
Attached to the documents were exquisitely forged documentation detailing all the requirements for the transport and installation of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-682"]SCP-682[/URL] along with falsified information pertaining to its transport and installation. All signatures were present and correct and even the paper grade was correct for this kind of documentation.
After being show what was apparently [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-682"]SCP-682[/URL] sleeping nearby, and defecating himself, Dr. Kald stripped naked and used the radio. What followed can be bought for $9.99 from [URL]http://www[/URL].[REDACTED] in a censored format; an uncensored version is available from Dr. Coleman for $14.99. All proceeds will be donated to the Childs Play foundation. The highlights include Dr. Kald performing such hits as [I]Dancing Queen[/I] and [I]I Want To Break Free[/I] with surprising grace and choreography for a man with apparently no prior training as a performer. After 11 minutes [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-408"]SCP-408[/URL] projected a series of clapping hands and flashing signs declaring that Dr. Kald had successfully saved himself and that the doors would be opened shortly. While the doors were apparently cycling open the projection of 682 was seen to look up and begin to sniff the air; this caused great alarm to Dr. Kald who proceeded to shout updates down the radio as to 682's behaviour. After 3 minutes of stalking around the room, the projection of 682 fixed Dr. Kald with its gaze and prepared to pounce. Dr. Kald then began to beg for his mother, defecated himself again and broke down sobbing as the projection pounced at him, before dissipating along with [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-408"]SCP-408[/URL]'s other projections.
Scrawled on the floor in grease pen were the words [I]"Dr. Coleman does not like to be exposed to memetic agents. Remember this."[/I] apparently written by [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-408"]SCP-408[/URL]. The buckets and tapes were found to be empty after a cleanup team was dispatched to retrieve him. It is believed that Dr. Kald will make a full recovery.
[I]Addendum: In regards to the perfectly forged documentation that Dr. Coleman has repeatedly produced for these acts, Dr. Coleman has gone on record stating[/I] "It's amazing what you can do with a cloning tree and some patience, isn't it?" [I]O5 command has ordered an investigation into these matters.[/I]
[B]Entry 36:[/B] 16/12/2009: Dr. Coleman discovered suspended by a length of rope from [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-038"]SCP-038[/URL]. Several clones of the doctor had already been made. Dr. Coleman noted as being disoriented and confused with no memory of how he got there, although uninjured and with no anomalous blood chemicals that might indicate use of a tranquilizer, and SCP-038's containment cell had apparently never been opened that day. Clones have been reassigned as Class-D personnel, and access to SCP-038 has been restricted until someone can tell us what happened.
SCP-050 came into Dr. Light's possession on the same day. Inquiries are being made.
Announcement: [I]Use of SCP-038 for further "pranks" is now forbidden.[/I] -O5-██
Note: [I]Seriously, how the hell did she do that?[/I] -████
[B]Entry 37:[/B] At 7:32am on ██/██/2009, an interdepartmental e-mail from an unknown address was circulated, with an attached picture of SCP-050 in level 1 research assistant Schumacher’s quarters. It included the text [I]“I win, suckers! You’ll never get me!”[/I] Worth noting is that this behavior would be exceedingly atypical for Schumacher, who is regarded as a particularly introverted individual. In addition, no prank against Dr. Light was registered.
Seven minutes later, the following e-mail from another anonymous account was circulated:
[I]Subject: O5 Announcement – High priority
Body: "Due to a potential keter-level cross-SCP interaction between SCP-050 and SCP-131, which level 1 research assistant Schumacher had been assisting with, all personnel, are encouraged to attempt to obtain SCP-050 from Schumacher at the earliest possible opportunity. Special consideration will be given to any disciplinary breaches by personnel engaged in this endeavor."[/I]
This was not a 05 announcement, and attempts to trace its origin have thus far failed. It was retracted approximately two hours later in an official 05 announcement, and the concept of "a keter level interaction between [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] and [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-131"]SCP-131[/URL]" was denounced as "the stupidest thing we've heard in a while," but this appears to have done little to prevent the actions that followed.
Over the course of the next day, research assistant Schumacher suffered seven instances of blunt-force trauma from separate sources (three to the head, two to the shins, one to the stomach and one to the groin), ingested several inedible but non-fatal substances, was set on fire, exposed to liquid nitrogen, was forced to remove almost all worn clothing by exposure to [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-061"]SCP-061[/URL] ([URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-061"]SCP-061[/URL] was shut off before the command to remove underwear was given), suffered exposure to [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-170"]SCP-170[/URL], was “accidentally” re-assigned as a D-Class personnel for several hours, was exposed to [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-113"]SCP-113[/URL] (his appearance didn't change all that much, surprisingly), was locked in an empty room with [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-076"]SCP-076[/URL] for four minutes (after which [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-076"]SCP-076[/URL] smashed the door down and took his leave, expressing displeasure), was attacked by a moderate-sized group of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-098"]SCP-098[/URL] which had been irritated to the point of aggression (resulting in lacerations to the ankles) and was tricked into believing that he had been placed in [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-914"]SCP-914[/URL] on “Fine” setting (Schumacher fainted due to a combination of stress and fear, before having his hair dyed, a fake tan applied and getting an image of [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-682"]SCP-682[/URL] tattooed on his [REDACTED]).
[FURTHER DATA EXPUNGED]
It is believed that Schumacher will recover given enough time, although psychiatric counseling is recommended to reduce any lasting effects and to prevent him from attempting to murder any foundation personnel. Several weeks of hospital leave have been approved.
Notably, SCP-050 has not left research assistant Schumacher’s quarters, and was some help in cleaning up the room, including the destroyed bed (a combination of several separate chemicals placed under its covers at different points during the day caused it to dissolve and collapse at approximately 4:00pm). Schumacher, upon regaining consciousness, successfully passed a polygraph test asking about his involvement in this incident. He has been cleared of suspicion, and further investigation into this entire incident, including SCP-050’s apparent failure to return to the person responsible, is pending.
[B]Note:[/B] [I]“Over 4 containment breaches, 197 violations of personnel safety rules, approx. $70,000 in property damage, 23 separate disciplinary hearings, and the only instance of research assistant Schumacher ever attempting physical violence against another human. I don’t know whether to be proud or disgusted.” – O5-[/I]█
[B]Note:[/B] [I]“Okay, please, can someone explain to me in simple terms what the hell happened here today?”-[/I] ████████
[B]Entry 38:[/B] On ██/██/2009, Assistant Schumacher was called out of his quarters by an email from an unknown source. Five minutes later, security footage showed Dr. Okagawa entering Schumacher's quarters, carrying a bag with unknown contents, and leaving the room a few minutes later without the bag.
Upon returning, Schumacher was met with a horrifying surprise. His bed was covered in what appeared to be [URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-447"]SCP-447-2[/URL] and the supposed body of a dead rodent. Personnel in adjacent rooms reported hearing a stream of profanity, followed by a thud. Worried researchers found him passed out on the floor, with a note on his desk. A later examination found the note to have been written by Dr. Okagawa, in a professional form of Japanese. Later analysis found the note to read:
[I]Dear Schumacher-san:
I wish to tell you that your bed was involved in an accident involving one of today's experiments. Some[/I] (insult left untranslated) [I]tried putting SCP-447 and a novelty toy into 914 on Coarse. The result was threatening the containment of SCP-██, and your room was the only open door far enough away from it, so that's where it ended up. Good luck surviving the [DATA EXPUNGED].[/I]
The slime was later identified as green gelatin from the kitchen, and the "dead rat" was made of rubber.
[URL="http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-050"]SCP-050[/URL] was later found in Dr. Okagawa's office.
[B]Entry 39:[/B]
[I]NoteToSelf:[/I] paint stains -20hrs in office(Schumacher) gone w/o trace. Maintenance claims ignorance. Confidence statuette=genuine, now 87%.
[I]Dr. Korsakov - I've been hearing some kind of humming since I was returned from my most recent medical leave. Is this from either of the last 050 incidents, or unrelated?[/I] - Schumacher
[I]You may be experiencing some temporary tinnitus as a result of █████████████. If it doesn't go away within the next couple of weeks, let me know and I'll take a look at it.[/I] - Dr. Korsakov
[I]Memo, ██/██/2009:[/I] Schumacher-san stopped moving when I dropped off paperwork yesterday and wasn't responding when I asked him if he was all right. Could someone check on him?
[I]NoteToSelf:[/I] Beaten to punch. Need plan++ for Okagawa. Pull back, save resources for later? ~functional; already at work, will ~caught iff plan succeeds. Facility comm systems still insecure?[INDENT] [B]Telephone Transcript, ██/██/2009[/B]
"Mr. █████ Schumacher [I]you were absent at your required medical examination at[/I] ██:██ ██, ██/██/2009 [I]with[/I] Dr. Korsakov. [I]Please press 1 to contact our office immediately to reschedule.[/I]"
[/INDENT][I]Memo, ██/█3/2009:[/I] Could someone please explain to me why my research assistant has come to my office every day for the past week, twitching in pain, knocked on the door, and left? I'm having him placed back on medical leave immediately. - Dr. ███████[INDENT] [B]Site-Wide Broadcast, ██/█4/2009[/B]
On the report of Dr. Vaught, Site 19 is hereby placed under class-9 quarantine. All research personnel are to report to the medical wing immediately for containment and examination. Emergency Class-D replacement procedures may begin within the next six hours. Please be re
[url=http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-376]The world's traffic infrastructure has been explained[/url]
Also, Dr. Kondraki is the biggest badass ever, if you read the [url=http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/duke-till-dawn]decommission report for the Duke.[/url]
[QUOTE=*Freezorg*;20806465]A friend of mine says 682 is one of the best articles on the site.[/QUOTE]
it is
[QUOTE=KmScMT;20807885]it is[/QUOTE]
I don't see why everyone thinks its so great, there are much better ones.
I just want to befriend this one.
[URL]http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-085[/URL]
[QUOTE=40kplayer;20807449]Also, Dr. Kondraki is the biggest badass ever, if you read the [url=http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/duke-till-dawn]decommission report for the Duke.[/url][/QUOTE]
Holy fucking shit that's awesome.
Out of all the SCP entries I have ever read, this one is the most disturbing so far.
[url]http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-231[/url]
[QUOTE=michaeldim;20808860]Holy fucking shit that's awesome.[/QUOTE]
Cat urine to the fucking face. Giant ball of spikes crashing through a group of soldiers, and SCP-682 getting out and destroying half the complex.
Badass.
[QUOTE=-AJ-;20809358]Out of all the SCP entries I have ever read, this one is the most disturbing so far.
[url]http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-231[/url][/QUOTE]
I'm pretty sure I know what Procedure 110-Montauk is but do they ever mention what exactly they do?
I think there was a thread on this like a year ago when I first saw it. Thanks for reminding me.
For anyone that says "OLD.", yes, it is, but it good so it deserves it.
[QUOTE=40kplayer;20807449]Also, Dr. Kondraki is the biggest badass ever, if you read the [url=http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/duke-till-dawn]decommission report for the Duke.[/url][/QUOTE]
oh my gosh thats awesome
610 is the most disturbing thing I've read on the site before
This reminds me a lot of Warehouse 13.
I wish they put the description BEFORE containment procedures. It makes it hard to read sometimes. (I know I can read the description first, but sometimes they refer to details mentioned in the containment procedures section)
[QUOTE=Lord of Ears;20810617]610 is the most disturbing thing I've read on the site before[/QUOTE]
did you know the picture for 610 is actually some miniature house thingy some fucked up artist guy made
[QUOTE=KmScMT;20811740]did you know the picture for 610 is actually some miniature house thingy some fucked up artist guy made[/QUOTE]
nope, but it did sorta look it
[QUOTE=KmScMT;20811740]did you know the picture for 610 is actually some miniature house thingy some fucked up artist guy made[/QUOTE]
Yeah, kinda figured it was a miniature. It seemed small (the actual space of the room, distance between props and what not).
[url]http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-230[/url]
thats just fuking funny
THE GAYEST MAN ALIVE!!
[QUOTE=Zeke129;20783088][url=http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-145]Holy shit[/url][/QUOTE]
That was neat.
[url]http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/the-things-dr-bright-is-not-allowed-to-do-at-the-foundation[/url]
This is my favourite.
SCIENCE FOR THE SCIENCE GOD!
[quote]
117) Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to accept or use the following as payment for bets:
* Your soul
* Anyone else's soul
* Virgin's blood
* Reproductive organs
* SCPs
* Memories (real or imagined)
* Pieces of your past - I have no idea how that worked with Clef, but apparently he can do it.
* The island of Manhattan
* Beads
* Firstborn children
* Second-born children
* Red-headed stepchildren
* Gold spun from straw
* A child's laughter
* A child's tears
* Virginity
* Anal virginity :buddy:
* Aural Virginity
* Nasal Virginity (I do NOT want to know!)
* Ponies
[/quote]
This one is awesome and murdered a bunch of furries: [url]http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-953[/url]
They don't allow furries or otaku near her.
[URL]http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-504[/URL] I wish I had these just to take down terrible comedians
[QUOTE=DWAP;20827801][URL]http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-504[/URL] I wish I had these just to take down terrible comedians[/QUOTE]
Nobody let those things get anywhere near the news board.
I've never really had a chance to read through this site but this time I've managed to read a bit and I have to say this stuff is gold. I love it.
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