I believe RayvenQ wants to commit suicide!!! Can someone please contact and help him !! - General

I think you guys are a bit too focused on one part of all this. Yeah, he's been emotionally hurt from his relationship, and he needs to recover from that. But the pain from his back is damaging him just as much. Feeling physical pain for years can get unbearable. He's hurt physically and emotionally.

[QUOTE=Sgt. Khorn;48923026]I think you guys are a bit too focused on one part of all this. Yeah, he's been emotionally hurt from his relationship, and he needs to recover from that. But the pain from his back is damaging him just as much. Feeling physical pain for years can get unbearable. He's hurt physically and emotionally.[/QUOTE] And chronic depression which is only magnified by my back problems, and in which the break up just happened to be enough to tip the scales that were for the most part stable.

[QUOTE=ScottyWired;48922772]"ugh stupid emergency services doing their job, why can't they just leave me alone"[/QUOTE] thing is this can cause huge problems in itself. I remember back when I had a self-harm problem I decided to reach out and had the police called on me. I got forced into the ER. I was not even suicidal, they just decided I was because "better safe than sorry". When I got hit with the bill for it which made my shitty financial situation way shittier than it already was, I wished I was suicidal that night. Ever since then whenever I have a major issue I keep it to myself and nobody can know about it. That's what I learned from the experience.

[QUOTE=CoixNiro;48923050]thing is this can cause huge problems in itself. I remember back when I had a self-harm problem I decided to reach out and had the police called on me. I got forced into the ER. I was not even suicidal, they just decided I was because "better safe than sorry". When I got hit with the bill for it which made my shitty financial situation way shittier than it already was, I wished I was suicidal that night. Ever since then whenever I have a major issue I keep it to myself and nobody can know about it. That's what I learned from the experience.[/QUOTE] Well, you won't get hit with a bill in the UK.

The best way I think I can explain how everything for me is, Imagine you're given a backpack to wear, that you have to wear 24/7, and it has a certain weight. Now imagine that weight getting heavier, little by little, day by day, not super noticably much, but just enough that it is noticable. Now imagine doing that every day for 18 years, until it is heavier, and heavier and heavier, ten or more times heavier than it was when it first started. Now imagine you're getting good at coping with the weight that gets added day by day, and even with the weight of the backpack itself. Now imagine one day the weight that gets added is, for some reason, a lot more than was added day by day previously, so instead of say a 1kg weight, a 30 kg weight is added. So you instantly collapse because its too much at once. And on top of all that, there'll come a point where you'll reach a limit and you will want to put the weight down and not carry it any more because it is siply just to much, and you just dont want to carry it anymore. Thats what it is like for me, with everything combined. I just dont want to have to carry that weight any more.

I can get a feeling of what you are saying, but I also feel the need to say this; Many, many people experience the struggle you feel right now. Some may not feel the physical pain you do, some may not feel it as much as you do. Your form of pain and such is your own, but many people go through with what is happening to you now, just in their own way. How one person deals with their pain can be quite different from another would their own. It can get hard to move on and live with it, but giving up is not a choice one can make lightly. If you truly choose not to try anymore, you may never get the chance to experience anything else in life. I'm not trying to shame you or anything, I just want you to know that ending a life, means one will never be able to experience anything that life [I]could [/I]offer. But again, what I think and say is how I am. I have had some dark thoughts in my mind every now and then. But I always think back to that same thought. The thought that I will never get to experience anything again. Even simple things like saying hi to my cat when I get home from work. As stupid as that may sound, I'd rather not give up that small joy in my life, along with any other joys I get in my life. We all struggle through some form of pain in our life, but there is still plenty of great things out there. You may not care right now, but you got people that care for you and you can find ways to enjoy life, even with your pain.

Konfl1ct, see it through, I am watching. If you hang yourself, there is no hope for you. I risk revealing my identity [i]again[/i], and getting banned, but you need to know I'm fucking drunker than a skunk pulling the strings for you. Even my best friends tell me to sober up, but the beer tastes too good. Just get some Fireball whisky and rootbeer. I'll never forget the day you gave that shit to me. So eat me you fucking mods. If you ban me, I'll PERSONALLY see to it that you NEVER see the light of day again, because for this soul, even my own death is worth it. If you ban me, you stain your hands with his blood, and you know that murder demands divine retribution, and I, God, will eat your kidneys, then vomit it back into your mouth so that you also drown in a combination with your own shit and bile. Then I'll cut you up and stuff you into wicker baskets, drown your remains; then resurrect you when you're at the bottom of the ocean, so that you are crushed for all eternity. THAT isn't even the tip of the iceberg into what hell is like. Konfl1ct, hold on, I'm pulling for you. [highlight](User was permabanned for this post ("alt of perma'd user" - Orkel))[/highlight]

[QUOTE=RayvenQ;48922732] I'm out of imminent danger, for now, Just have to hope that nothing will happen that triggers me back into how I was last night or a couple of days before.[/QUOTE] That's awesome man. It might not feel like an achievement (or it might! that's an individual thing), but it [I]is[/I] a massive achievement, and you should feel awesome. While your strength is up, now is the time to go out and seek help to start the process of getting that depression reigned in and under control. Your GP is a great place to start!

RayvenQ, is there anything we can do here to help you? Most of us only want the best for you, and will help in any way we can.

RayvenQ I don't know you at all dude but I know what it's like carrying what hurts you, not letting anyone in and going through years of mental and physical pain without anyone. I'm here for you man, PM me any time. Not sure if this is helpful to you but like fuck am I going to sit there and watch someone self destruct. <3

[QUOTE=RayvenQ;48923150]The best way I think I can explain how everything for me is, Imagine you're given a backpack to wear, that you have to wear 24/7, and it has a certain weight. Now imagine that weight getting heavier, little by little, day by day, not super noticably much, but just enough that it is noticable. Now imagine doing that every day for 18 years, until it is heavier, and heavier and heavier, ten or more times heavier than it was when it first started. Now imagine you're getting good at coping with the weight that gets added day by day, and even with the weight of the backpack itself. Now imagine one day the weight that gets added is, for some reason, a lot more than was added day by day previously, so instead of say a 1kg weight, a 30 kg weight is added. So you instantly collapse because its too much at once. And on top of all that, there'll come a point where you'll reach a limit and you will want to put the weight down and not carry it any more because it is siply just to much, and you just dont want to carry it anymore. Thats what it is like for me, with everything combined. I just dont want to have to carry that weight any more.[/QUOTE] I logged in speciffically to write this. but I heard about what that bitch did. that's why I have trust issues. Karma and grace exist, and KARMA WILL punish her. no doubt! Good and evil exists, make no mistake. She is either Evil, or extremely misguided, either way, When you love someone, you love them for you spirit, not their bodies, and she clearly only loved you for the body. grace should hopefully come your way, as long as you didnt do too much bad and tried helping others in need like i'm trying now. You need to find awakening. practice meditaion! Not sure if you believe in the existence of Spirits and what not, but our bodies are PRISONS that's right. P-R-I-S-O-N-S. Yours sounds pretty harsh. You should turn to meditation daily, clear your mind, relax, Kill anxiety and leave Fight or Flight and if you have to use Binaraul beats to help force your mind into a state. You are in fight of flight right now, your mind is anxious, you need to find the light. hopefully you have a good guardian and not an evil one, but this world is DESIGNED to instill negative thinking\energy into your soul. I'm not saying practice religion, becaue I don't have religion either (and they're usually BS) but you need awakening. it's time. wake up! Master your spirituality and become in tune, and everything should be well from there on because you'll have something great to hold on to. HOPE. I'm proud of people on this thread, giving so much love. You all be blessed with Love and Grace. Remember, you are a spirit in body, so make this fucking body your BITCH! You are far more powerful than you realize, the brain does it's best to limit your control, and it's effective at it too so FORCE THAT MOTHERFUCKING ANXIETY OUT!! use every tool and your will's full power to your advantage. and find your TRUE self! sorry for sounding like a preachy bitch but I'm only trying to help. -With Love steventechno! PS Don't take the "easy way out" You will only get sent back to this shithole right away and have to go start all over. get things right THIS time! only you can finally be free!

[QUOTE=PelPix123;48929054]I know exactly how you feel, tbh. I have several chronic illnesses, three of which are degenerative and two of which have the odds of killing me some day. It literally will only get worse from here. I will hurt more until I'm dead. Nobody can really help, and doctors are only trained to help people who are "wrong" about wanting to die. People can't really fault my desire to kill myself (and imagine what [I]that[/I] shit does to your head. Just that knowledge), so I end up back out untreated. [/QUOTE] I would look into mental training. While I probably haven't experienced anything of the caliber that you may have, I have underwent a few surgeries that left me with chronic pain. But with meditation, it's completely manageable and doesn't affect my quality of life. There have been monks who have been set on fire or slaughtered by sword without making a single expression of pain. As gruesome as it is, I find that an incredible demonstration of what the mind is capable of. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

[QUOTE=RayvenQ;48923150]The best way I think I can explain how everything for me is, Imagine you're given a backpack to wear, that you have to wear 24/7, and it has a certain weight. Now imagine that weight getting heavier, little by little, day by day, not super noticably much, but just enough that it is noticable. Now imagine doing that every day for 18 years, until it is heavier, and heavier and heavier, ten or more times heavier than it was when it first started. Now imagine you're getting good at coping with the weight that gets added day by day, and even with the weight of the backpack itself. Now imagine one day the weight that gets added is, for some reason, a lot more than was added day by day previously, so instead of say a 1kg weight, a 30 kg weight is added. So you instantly collapse because its too much at once. And on top of all that, there'll come a point where you'll reach a limit and you will want to put the weight down and not carry it any more because it is siply just to much, and you just dont want to carry it anymore. Thats what it is like for me, with everything combined. I just dont want to have to carry that weight any more.[/QUOTE] You don't have a physical release valve, but you do have several mental ones, and you need to use them as soon you have a clear means to do so. There's specific areas of the brain you need to keep "exercising" until they work correctly again. When you're ready: Talk it out. All of it. Even the "I would never talk about this ever" stuff. All of it out and off of you. Travel. I'm not talking about a great distance, but the actual act of moving. Given your condition it's going to be hard, but it's absolutely necessary. You need continual low grade stimulus to get yourself in the right place to get everything else out correctly. Traveling does that. Find a game or activity that you can engage in, in small intense bouts and then take or leave, like Dow2 MP or TLS, discrete chunks of intensity to prevent daily cycles from being static. Sunlit open areas. [quote] never going to be the same [/quote] For extremely empathic people, you're right; that's simply the way it is, but that doesn't change your value or worth, and it doesn't change what you can achieve or be.

So unless you're desperate and literally minutes away from actually ending your beautiful life, disregard this post. Okay, do what I did and if you're in as much pain as I was, you'll be willing to try it. Do you know how profoundly massive Earth is? Imagine where you're standing right now, face one direction, and just walk straight all the way across the world. Crazy to think of all the shit you would end up seeing and experiencing. Then when you get back to your spot you were standing the first place, just turn in literally the most smallest amount you could ever turn and walk again. Every single turn you experience a brand new world of scenery, new culture, new people, new reasons to continue waking up in the morning. I'm not saying for you to walk all the way around Earth, but just pack essentials and just GO. Wherever you want, whatever direction. Before wasting the time you DO have alive, make the most of it and just go balls to the walls hard in the paint. I lived a persona online that ended up getting some really bad attention which ended up with me getting SWAT'd and after that entire ordeal pretty much my entire hometown thought I was some crazy dude because the news hyped up the story. After that, I literally took a rock to my foot, tied it, and jumped into a lake. Needless to say, I got out of that sticky situation and was pounded with even MORE guilt. So I said fuck it, I'm just going to do whatever the fuck I wanted in this entire world of ours. Toss everything about your normal way of life out the window and just live the way you WANT to live. I'd rather not post any info on my story so if you want to talk to someone who's been in your shoes quite literally before, Rayven, I have all the time in the world for you, PM me, give me your number, anything.

RayvenQ, forgive me if this question has been asked repeatedly, but do you have any hobbies or things of that nature that can at the very least take your mind from this pain? Can you find people that share these interests? Hell, tell us what you enjoy doing the most so others can share that interest with you, I don't care what it is, even if it's just simply playing video-games, I'd be honored to play a game with you sometime. <3 I just felt so compelled to post here, I couldn't stand just reading this two pages in....

Nothing takes my mind off the pain, its all encompassing. As i explained to someone online, ever had a cavity or broken tooth to the point where nerves are exposed and you feel pure nerve pain?, or scalded or burned yourself? The baseline of my daily pain is that those sorts of pain I've described register about as much as someone touching you on your arm. To the point where I've scalded myself by accident and not even noticed the pain and only realised I did I realise that I have blisters. And that is my very bottom baseline of pain. It gets to a point where the pain is taking up at least half your thoughts and mental capacity. The painkillers I've tried, even at the maximum safe dosage, don't make a dent. Hell today I tried to go to the shop and halfway there I couldn't move it at all because it was so locked up with pain. Holding my hand on a hot stove would have been less painful Yet despite all that, until in had my legs knocked out from under me, I always put on a brave face, always put it aside if it meant helping someone I cared about and was, all over, fairly cheery. But the mental supports I built for myself over 18 years to enable me to do that got utterly destroyed just over 3 weeks ago, and it wasn't so much that the breakup happened that did it, more rather how, and that just smashed them, about as well as if the person actually tried.

Have you looked into taking part in any clinical trials for research into alleviating the type of pain that you are experiencing? I know that in the US there are abundant opportunities. If you aren't able to participate in a program of this sort, I would consider that we are making headway in pain research. There are new therapies being developed all the time. Your situation is exactly the kind that is driving me to pursue a career in healthcare. Please keep trying. Contact health services and do what you can to keep moving forward. Things will get better.

Don't kill yourself bud

The reaction here is strange given Facepunch's favourable views on voluntary euthanasia. This guy lives with crippling untreatable pain daily, you really can't blame him here. That said RayvenQ, I [i]really[/i] hope you don't. I can't relate to chronic physical pain at all but I can relate to the mindset of wanting to just end everything. The reasons I had for wanting to die never went away but I can definitely say that I'm glad (or at the very least content with the fact) that I'm still here. I know the thought of just having to wait and see if things get better sucks, but medical science is rapidly improving and nobody can predict what's going to come tomorrow. You're a strong person, the fact that you can so coherently articulate the thoughts in your posts despite your situation proves that. I'm not going to judge you regardless of what decision you make, but if you choose to die I think we'll all lose a wonderful source of inspiration.

[QUOTE=Zeke129;48942240]The reaction here is strange given Facepunch's favourable views on voluntary euthanasia. This guy lives with crippling untreatable pain daily, you really can't blame him here. That said RayvenQ, I [i]really[/i] hope you don't. I can't relate to chronic physical pain at all but I can relate to the mindset of wanting to just end everything. The reasons I had for wanting to die never went away but I can definitely say that I'm glad (or at the very least content with the fact) that I'm still here. I know the thought of just having to wait and see if things get better sucks, but medical science is rapidly improving and nobody can predict what's going to come tomorrow. You're a strong person, the fact that you can so coherently articulate the thoughts in your posts despite your situation proves that. I'm not going to judge you regardless of what decision you make, but if you choose to die I think we'll all lose a wonderful source of inspiration.[/QUOTE] I think there is a time and place for assisted dying, and it needs to go through the proper channels. Suicide is a nasty business and the last thing anybody wants to do is spend 12 hours slowly dying because they aren't professionals at doing it - ESPECIALLY given that a majority of survivors say that part way through the attempt they changed their mind and saw that life was worth living. I believe you can make it through, Rayven.

RayvenQ you OK bud? Love you bud? 😻

[QUOTE=Zeke129;48942240]The reaction here is strange given Facepunch's favourable views on voluntary euthanasia. This guy lives with crippling untreatable pain daily, you really can't blame him here. That said RayvenQ, I [i]really[/i] hope you don't. I can't relate to chronic physical pain at all but I can relate to the mindset of wanting to just end everything. The reasons I had for wanting to die never went away but I can definitely say that I'm glad (or at the very least content with the fact) that I'm still here. I know the thought of just having to wait and see if things get better sucks, but medical science is rapidly improving and nobody can predict what's going to come tomorrow. You're a strong person, the fact that you can so coherently articulate the thoughts in your posts despite your situation proves that. I'm not going to judge you regardless of what decision you make, but if you choose to die I think we'll all lose a wonderful source of inspiration.[/QUOTE] Suicide on a whim never goes according to plan and tends to prolong suffering.

[QUOTE=Swilly;48949774]Suicide on a whim never goes according to plan and tends to prolong suffering.[/QUOTE] I don't think in RayvenQ's case it's "on a whim".

i dont know you man but i wanna say yo this: stay strong man, you will find something that will make you enjoy your life. it will happen, no matter what, and i want you to be able to see it.

[QUOTE=Zeke129;48949976]I don't think in RayvenQ's case it's "on a whim".[/QUOTE] I wasn't speaking toward RayvenQ's problem, just responding to your post.

Grow up RaybrnQ ur only 18. You haven't experienced a thing yet

[QUOTE=HairyGoatMan;48979152]Grow up RaybrnQ ur only 18. You haven't experienced a thing yet[/QUOTE] He's actually 30, m8. But nice try trying to be the Big Man and all that.

Have you tried seeking similar treatment as the one the english doctor refused to do abroad? Foreign doctors may have different standards and may be willing to perform the operation.

[QUOTE=Murky42;48999361]Have you tried seeking similar treatment as the one the english doctor refused to do abroad? Foreign doctors may have different standards and may be willing to perform the operation.[/QUOTE] Yeah not really something I can do, given that with my back and depression I'm not working and have fuck all money, certainly not enough to go abroad, hospital fees for going in for specialised surgery etc etc. Plus, I do understand the doctors reasoning, so someone who is willing to do the operation may be sketchy as fuck.

Rayven, remember when me and Tera_ tried to set up a fundraiser for you. I wish the donations were higher but hey, we were just some dudes with a PayPal address. Honestly the amount of donations we got were staggering considering that. I think we eventually got you WH40K Space Marines for that? I can't say that it's better than surgery, but eh. I don't want to give you the whole spiel about anonymous friends on a forum. After that fundraiser, me and Tera stayed in contact. We were worried about you and we kept discussing what to do, but we felt completely helpless. We've now been [B]best[/B] friends for years. That all happened because 2 dudes cared about you. We still talk about you. I still feel helpless. Also I want to show you something else, it might help or maybe not. Remember this thing: [IMG]http://puu.sh/l0AZC/6eb61c7163.jpg[/IMG] I still use it every week for D&D. I just had to replace the leather string eventually, because it broke (that's how much I used it). I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish with this post even, maybe give you a laugh. :v: And if it means anything, I do care about you man. (I'll take the first plane flight over to your house if that's what it takes!). I understand your pains, but don't get me wrong. FWIW it'd be a great loss to me if you're no longer around.