Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts. - General

[QUOTE=The golden;52450304]Thought I'd weigh in here as I am also an asexual person. Or at least greysexual (extremely small amount of sexual desire). I have heard of some couples finding workarounds to help solve issues caused by one of the partners being ace (asexual). Some things like allowing the other partner to find someone else purely for sexual encounters (not everyone's cup of tea, mine included), masturbation to relieve stress/frustration, and simply being sexual with the ace partner if they allow it although they'll have to accept the fact they won't reciprocate anything. Just a few ideas. Other than that.... I Honestly don't know. If you are a sexual person then it's going to cause a lot of friction between you two. Use your break-time to try and brainstorm ideas that you can take to her to see if she likes. Ask her to do the same if possible. Ace people can be very romantic, cuddly, loving, and extremely dedicated partners. We just don't like sex and/or having sex.[/QUOTE] She gave me a bunch of online resources about like what defines asexuality, how ace people maintain relationships, etc. She said that she was also grey asexual (a.k.a. possibly possessing the ability to feel sexual attraction, but she feels as if she wouldn't know until she formed a serious long term emotional bond with a potential partner) I don't feel like offended or anything because she doesn't want to bang me, I just understand that this is a fundamental difference in what we want out of a relationship and it is absolutely going to cause major problems down the road. We are already very cuddly and emotionally affectionate, it just wouldn't go much farther than making out. If we're getting super personal then like I already masturbate with her in mind to relieve sexual tension, which I guess could work for awhile, I'm just scared that it's going to be the death of our relationship and it will have gone far enough that we couldn't even be in each others lives

[QUOTE=The golden;52450334]Well at least in this particular situation you both love eachother extensively and it seems you really get along outside of sexual stuff. Honestly, it could actually work out in the end but you two need to find something to do with your sexual frustration and desire for intimate sexual contact. She will likely never feel any strong (if any) desire for sexual contact so you can't really get blood from a stone in that respect. The key thing is to find some way for you to feel comfortable in the long-run. Keep an open book with her. Share all your thoughts and feelings with each other and keep each other in the "know" about any ideas or things you would like to try. Communication is critical when dealing with things like this.[/QUOTE] Thank you very much for your words. I really appreciate having your perspective on this. Right now, we are taking a day or two apart to let each other think before touching base and basically sharing everything. We really do get along great as it is, despite her mental illness problems and my dumb shit, and it's only been a month but I have been totally satisfied with just making out, at least in sexual terms. I know that this kind of stuff is very much a case-by-case issue, but do you have any idea on how to cope with my desire for intimate sexual contact? I'm afraid that I'm going to resent her for not wanting that, or turn to some other person to fulfill that (which I don't want to do). I'm only 18, I want to try all this stuff even if it isn't the most important thing in a relationship to me, you know? I wanted us to be each others firsts and all that shit

The thing is, neither of you should have to compromise on what you want out of a relationship as far as sexual intimacy goes. I had a relationship not too long ago where I felt like I could "give it a try" despite being staunchly uninterested and borderline repulsed by sex that involves myself and another person and I was quickly realizing that I shouldn't really have to do that, just like you shouldn't have to find 800 work arounds to your physical desires unless it's something you're 100% comfortable with. In terms of sexual intimacy between an asexual and an allosexual, there needs to be a consensus on what you're both okay with and what you can both comfortably do OR give up, if that be the case. But you shouldn't be stamping out something you know you really want and need to maintain that sense of intimacy between you, even out of hopes that it'll eventually work out. It's complicated, I won't lie. And it'll take a lot of communication and time and trust building, but it CAN work. Just don't sacrifice something that you truly believe that you want out of a relationship though. I don't think anyone should have to do that, whether they be ace or allo or whatever. Compromise works only if someone isn't left bitter and aching in the process.

[QUOTE=Pascall;52450412]The thing is, neither of you should have to compromise on what you want out of a relationship as far as sexual intimacy goes. I had a relationship not too long ago where I felt like I could "give it a try" despite being staunchly uninterested and borderline repulsed by sex that involves myself and another person and I was quickly realizing that I shouldn't really have to do that, just like you shouldn't have to find 800 work arounds to your physical desires unless it's something you're 100% comfortable with. In terms of sexual intimacy between an asexual and an allosexual, there needs to be a consensus on what you're both okay with and what you can both comfortably do OR give up, if that be the case. But you shouldn't be stamping out something you know you really want and need to maintain that sense of intimacy between you, even out of hopes that it'll eventually work out. It's complicated, I won't lie. And it'll take a lot of communication and time and trust building, but it CAN work. Just don't sacrifice something that you truly believe that you want out of a relationship though. I don't think anyone should have to do that, whether they be ace or allo or whatever. Compromise works only if someone isn't left bitter and aching in the process.[/QUOTE] Thank you. I know that I couldn't live with myself if I at least didn't give this a shot, even if we both end up getting hurt. I don't want to regret not doing this. I will try my very best to be supportive and trusting and honest, and to communicate with her as openly as I can. I don't know what to expect but I at least want to see what happens.

That's all you can do, man! Just give it a try, talk to each other, and see what happens. Things may not always work out but you'll never know unless you actually make the attempt. [editline]9th July 2017[/editline] If it means anything, even though my last boyfriend and I are separated, we're still close pals. And I haven't written off trying with him again once I get my life together. Neither has he. So even in the case of worst case scenario, it might not be all bad. 👌🏼

[QUOTE=Pascall;52450429]That's all you can do, man! Just give it a try, talk to each other, and see what happens. Things may not always work out but you'll never know unless you actually make the attempt.[/QUOTE] That's what I wanna try. Now, I gotta figure out how to articulate all of this to her as well as figure out how I want to respond to whatever she wants to say. I think that she would want something similar, but she is terrified of what might happen if I reject her because of her lack of sexuality. She said that if we stay together she's afraid that she's going to be constantly on edge, waiting for me to tell her that it won't work out because of her being ace. "what if down the road we are in a committed relationship and you can't handle the no sex part. that would destroy me" is what she said to me so now I don't know because it seems extremely probable that we are both going to get hurt

That's the main fear any ace person has tbh. It's kind of inevitable. And it's extremely hard to reassure someone when you're not even sure yourself. But in the way you want to understand her, she needs to be able to understand you. Even if you do separate, it's likely not because you don't like or love each other. There's just a physical incompatibility. And that's something you'll both have to realize if it gets to that point. But it's up to you both whether or not you wanna take the risk. Neither of you know what things might be like days, weeks, months from now. So it's hard to say. Take some time to just think it through. That's all you can do, really.

Pascall and The golden, thank you two very much for your words. I really appreciate you giving me some perspective and advice. I'm an emotional mess right now but I think I'll just do what we agreed upon; take some time apart, give each other some space, and just think about what we want to do. I have work in like an hour so hopefully that will be a good distraction. I'll try to make some plans with friends tonight so I'm not trapped in my head, overthinking everything.

[QUOTE=Bathtub;52450443]That's what I wanna try. Now, I gotta figure out how to articulate all of this to her as well as figure out how I want to respond to whatever she wants to say. I think that she would want something similar, but she is terrified of what might happen if I reject her because of her lack of sexuality. [B]She said that if we stay together she's afraid that she's going to be constantly on edge, waiting for me to tell her that it won't work out because of her being ace. [/B]"what if down the road we are in a committed relationship and you can't handle the no sex part. that would destroy me" is what she said to me so now I don't know because it seems extremely probable that we are both going to get hurt[/QUOTE] Yeah, my ex was the same way. Her previous relationship didn't work out because at some point she noticed that her desire for sex went down to like barely once a week. And she was afraid that for me that might repeat. Oh well, at least your gf didn't wait a couple of months before telling you that. Considering that you know the risk that you're taking I'd honestly say that your position isn't that bad. Like Pascall said, give it some time and you'll see if it's worth it or not.

Date went really well - we basically walked/biked/sat around for ten hours. We didn't hook up, which I'm actually completely fine with. Biked her home, but she basically messaged me right away, and we're still texting even though it's 2:30 and she has classes tomorrow. Kinda sad she isn't in the country for long, she seems really great.

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[QUOTE=Blazyd;52419727]I hung with this tinder girl Wednesday and yesterday. Wednesday we went hiking and then stayed out till like 3am just talking in her car. Then yesterday we went hiking again and then just started talking in my car like last time. We talked some about our past relationships and we started getting a little touchy-feely and closer and closer and I realized that she liked me and was waiting for me to make a move but I had to wait for the right time. (I'm bad at making first moves, in my past experience it's the girls who usually made the first move). Then our faces were kinda leaning on eachother and I just thought 'fuck it' and went in for a kiss and it was such an amazing feeling. Like that pent up attraction I was feeling towards her was released. After that we cuddled in my car till like 4am lol. She lives kinda far so we usually meet somewhere halfway between us. I actually like her a lot more than I thought I would. but yay me I kinda have a girl now!!![/QUOTE] update: Her parents were out of town for a while so she invited me over to her house so I came prepared and it ended in us banging. a lot. I learned she's kind of a nymphomaniac. Besides the sexual stuff, I really like her a lot. We have similar odd interests and can make each other laugh and all that stuff. There's never a dull moment when I'm with her. She always tells me how nice I am to her compared to the other guys in her past relationships. Even though I like her I'm really not trying to get too attached to her because I'll just be leaving for school in a month. But I can't help but already feel a lot of feelings towards her. I already kinda miss her when we're not together :/

I matched with someone on tinder who's looking for someone to replace her sister's boyfriend. That's certainly a first. Oh well, at least there's this cat (like literally a cat) that wants to talk to me.

update: we both wrote each other letters to discuss how we were feeling. in addition to the ace stuff, she has anxiety and depression and struggles with really bad stretches of time where she's terrified of hurting people she cares about. she said that she can't do that to me; put me in a relationship where i won't know on a day to day basis if i can touch, kiss, or even see my girlfriend, which i understand, especially considering it would never go past that. we talked on the phone for about 2 hours and it just felt so good to hear her voice and talk to her, especially about stuff like how her family is doing and what she did that day. it's like we were given all the tools to succeed in a relationship, even if some of them were blunt and we didn't know how to use them. it's just this one thing. we both want to be a part of each others lives but she said she couldn't go on knowing that she can't give me what i want out of a relationship, even though i told her that i want to do it anyways she's coming over today, i think we're gonna break up. i feel numb. it's not fair

[QUOTE=DChapsfield;52452445]I matched with someone on tinder who's looking for someone to replace her sister's boyfriend. That's certainly a first. Oh well, at least there's this cat (like literally a cat) that wants to talk to me.[/QUOTE] I matched with Jar-Jar Binks once.

we broke up both cried a lot, hugged a lot, talked a lot. i can't even think right now but somehow im hopeful for the future. she told me she isn't going anywhere and i know i can't let her no longer be a part of my life. we kissed for the last time and i'm gonna take awhile before i can talk to her again thank you all for your words and your help, she said that i could tell one of my friends so i'll have someone with me in person. you are all wonderful.

New lad here. Long story so here goes. Around 3 or 4 years back, I met someone in secondary school. I didn't know her name or had ever really noticed her before. She was small and very pretty imo - lets call her "Cindy" - and she was also quite shy. One interaction with Cindy - a simple "Hi" on my part and some shy acnowledgement got me thinking about her. I didnt really run into her after that for about a year and kinda forgot. Fast forward to a year and I was deciding my next classes with my new best friend and in the class we took was Cindy. Cindy had in the space of a few years made friends with my new mate so they knew eachother pretty well. She had really come out of her shell at this point and, again, I was bewitched by her. My mate and Cindy introduced me and welcomed me to thier close friend circle and I was very greatful. The feelings I had for her were changing from; "She's kind of cute - but nothing serious." to "I think I have a crush on her." to "I genuinely love who she is as a person and care about her throughout all changes in her life." In the meantime, I found out that my mate was in a serious relationship with someone over the span of 2-3 years previously and his gf was part of the group (just a sidenote) so I didn't feel anxious about not standing a chance with Cindy in that respect (I was insecure about myself and thats mainly why I didn't feel I had a chance.) Then another guy in our group starts dating Cindy. I was crushed. I knew it was because I was new and that I wasn't as outgoing as that guy. I still cheered her on and kept being me but underneath it I was sad. Skip forward a year and eventually they break up. I was sad - because she was sad about it and gears started turning in my head - "Now is your chance." So I took it. About just under a month - (Yes. Around three weeks. I'm an idiot and I know it now but I had never delt with relationships and feelings like this before.) The christmas dance was coming up and I asked her all awkward-like and shit. To my surprise she said yes and I was real happy. Most of my friends knew I liked her but I don't think she did. We started talking more over social media and the topic turned to why I asked her. I didn't have the guts to say why so I played it off like there was no big reason - but something in my stomach started twisting and knotting. I had to tell her the real reason and I did: I liked her. I wanted that to lead into us talking face to face more about it with the possibility of a relationship. It didn't work. She shut me down quickly and told me she didn't want a relationship right now and valued my friendship. I was crushed. Again. I put on a brave face and a false smile and cheered her on. Not long after that, she found someone else. Crunch number three. So I moped around and thought about it for a while and just decided to enjoy my friendship with Cindy. It was good. We were right pals. She broke up again and met someone else but I didn't really mind. But that all changed after she broke up with the last one. and our close group started to consist of Cindy, best friend and me. (Which brings us up to the recent past - i.e The last couple of months. So i've been there as a good/close friend for a solid 3 +/- years.) Our close group started to consist of Cindy, best friend and me. Cindy, my mate and I got drunk together and to cut a longer sub-story short: She kissed me. Bang. There I was back to square one with her and I fucking loved it. My friend went off abroad to think about life after breaking up with his gf and I was left confused again. But this time, no more heartache. No more questions. I was going to get closure with her for better or worse. We talked about seeing eachother more as friends would because best friend is away and he is a cool dude so we will miss him, and the next time I would see Cindy would be the time I wanted closure - talking to her about how I feel and either; getting into a relationship with her or solidifying a close friendship and nothing more. I would obviously want the fist one but at least I could try to move on with the latter. So I talk to her. I lay my cards out on the table and she slowly realises how much I like her. We talk more and in the end - she kisses me (a few times in that night). A proper kiss from someone I care so deeply for, hooray! aaaaaaaaand she tells me later that it was silly of her to kiss me and she is trying to find herself and what maks her happy first before getting into another relationship like the previous lot. I was - you guessed it - crushed again. BUT! A few weeks ago I talked to her about the posibility of her and I in a relationship and Cindy said that its a possibility. She is a lot more comfortable around me (I think) as well and I'm able to joke all flirty-like with her without her being creeped out or annoyed. Plus, good night kisses on texts (Which is a good sign I think?) I would love to hear all of you lot's thougts on this - as I'm in the dark on this kind of stuff! tl;dr - A girl I've admired for 3 or so years has noticed now and things are possibly gaining traction towards a relationship and I want to hear what you lot think about the situation.

[QUOTE=UnheardPie;52455503]New lad here. Long story so here goes. Around 3 or 4 years back, I met someone in secondary school. I didn't know her name or had ever really noticed her before. She was small and very pretty imo - lets call her "Cindy" - and she was also quite shy. One interaction with Cindy - a simple "Hi" on my part and some shy acnowledgement got me thinking about her. I didnt really run into her after that for about a year and kinda forgot. Fast forward to a year and I was deciding my next classes with my new best friend and in the class we took was Cindy. Cindy had in the space of a few years made friends with my new mate so they knew eachother pretty well. She had really come out of her shell at this point and, again, I was bewitched by her. My mate and Cindy introduced me and welcomed me to thier close friend circle and I was very greatful. The feelings I had for her were changing from; "She's kind of cute - but nothing serious." to "I think I have a crush on her." to "I genuinely love who she is as a person and care about her throughout all changes in her life." In the meantime, I found out that my mate was in a serious relationship with someone over the span of 2-3 years previously and his gf was part of the group (just a sidenote) so I didn't feel anxious about not standing a chance with Cindy in that respect (I was insecure about myself and thats mainly why I didn't feel I had a chance.) Then another guy in our group starts dating Cindy. I was crushed. I knew it was because I was new and that I wasn't as outgoing as that guy. I still cheered her on and kept being me but underneath it I was sad. Skip forward a year and eventually they break up. I was sad - because she was sad about it and gears started turning in my head - "Now is your chance." So I took it. About just under a month - (Yes. Around three weeks. I'm an idiot and I know it now but I had never delt with relationships and feelings like this before.) The christmas dance was coming up and I asked her all awkward-like and shit. To my surprise she said yes and I was real happy. Most of my friends knew I liked her but I don't think she did. We started talking more over social media and the topic turned to why I asked her. I didn't have the guts to say why so I played it off like there was no big reason - but something in my stomach started twisting and knotting. I had to tell her the real reason and I did: I liked her. I wanted that to lead into us talking face to face more about it with the possibility of a relationship. It didn't work. She shut me down quickly and told me she didn't want a relationship right now and valued my friendship. I was crushed. Again. I put on a brave face and a false smile and cheered her on. Not long after that, she found someone else. Crunch number three. So I moped around and thought about it for a while and just decided to enjoy my friendship with Cindy. It was good. We were right pals. She broke up again and met someone else but I didn't really mind. But that all changed after she broke up with the last one. and our close group started to consist of Cindy, best friend and me. (Which brings us up to the recent past - i.e The last couple of months. So i've been there as a good/close friend for a solid 3 +/- years.) Our close group started to consist of Cindy, best friend and me. Cindy, my mate and I got drunk together and to cut a longer sub-story short: She kissed me. Bang. There I was back to square one with her and I fucking loved it. My friend went off abroad to think about life after breaking up with his gf and I was left confused again. But this time, no more heartache. No more questions. I was going to get closure with her for better or worse. We talked about seeing eachother more as friends would because best friend is away and he is a cool dude so we will miss him, and the next time I would see Cindy would be the time I wanted closure - talking to her about how I feel and either; getting into a relationship with her or solidifying a close friendship and nothing more. I would obviously want the fist one but at least I could try to move on with the latter. So I talk to her. I lay my cards out on the table and she slowly realises how much I like her. We talk more and in the end - she kisses me (a few times in that night). A proper kiss from someone I care so deeply for, hooray! aaaaaaaaand she tells me later that it was silly of her to kiss me and she is trying to find herself and what maks her happy first before getting into another relationship like the previous lot. I was - you guessed it - crushed again. BUT! A few weeks ago I talked to her about the posibility of her and I in a relationship and Cindy said that its a possibility. She is a lot more comfortable around me (I think) as well and I'm able to joke all flirty-like with her without her being creeped out or annoyed. Plus, good night kisses on texts (Which is a good sign I think?) I would love to hear all of you lot's thougts on this - as I'm in the dark on this kind of stuff! tl;dr - A girl I've admired for 3 or so years has noticed now and things are possibly gaining traction towards a relationship and I want to hear what you lot think about the situation.[/QUOTE] Doesn't sound like she's super interested in you.

Yeah, she seems very uh... non-committal? I wouldn't say give up entirely, but I wouldn't go into this with extremely high expectations.

Yeah also you don't have to go crazy head first into a committed relationship. you should just try being really close friends and keep getting closer in every way without having to label it or anything, don't gotta be so official just enjoy each other.

its cool to try anyways, even if your expectations aren't high a lot of people i know who met their now spouse always had one of them who didn't like the other, and they kind of "broke" into their heart in a way

[QUOTE=Pascall;52455893]Yeah, she seems very uh... non-committal? I wouldn't say give up entirely, but I wouldn't go into this with extremely high expectations.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Hilton;52456119]Yeah also you don't have to go crazy head first into a committed relationship. you should just try being really close friends and keep getting closer in every way without having to label it or anything, don't gotta be so official just enjoy each other.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Fire Kracker;52456165]its cool to try anyways, even if your expectations aren't high a lot of people i know who met their now spouse always had one of them who didn't like the other, and they kind of "broke" into their heart in a way[/QUOTE] I dont have high hopes for this, mainly for the fact I have no idea how to approach or proceed in the direction of a relationship. I am trying the route of getting closer as friends and she tells me she feels comfortable around me. If I waited 3 -/+ years, can wait longer before attempting to tap into how she feels about this (I'll keep it to myself) and we are always having a blast and enjoying eachothers comapany. I wouldn't invest so much time into this if I didn't think it was worth it. I will try hard as thats all I can do and its good to know that people can learn to love others that they normally wouldn't. Thankyou all for your advice and opinions on the matter - its all very educational!

[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;52456835]Yesterday a male friend of mine really wanted to give me head, he wouldn't stop going on about it until I said 'No means no, if you go any further it's rape' Not really sure how to feel tbh[/QUOTE] Crosspost from STGYM, posting here too because I feel lost

[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;52456838]Crosspost from STGYM, posting here too because I feel lost[/QUOTE] You're completely correct, he needs to respect your boundaries. I would honestly cut contact with that person unless they were going through some serious shit and took it out on you

[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;52456838]Crosspost from STGYM, posting here too because I feel lost[/QUOTE] What kind of friend is that? Sounds super weird.

[QUOTE=GoDong-DK;52457111]What kind of friend is that? Sounds super weird.[/QUOTE] Or the friend has a crush on him and/or was drunk at the time. Regardless, Kirbyfactor did the right thing here. No matter how close you might be with your friend, if they're trying to do something you're not comfortable with, they have to step down with their intentions.

[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;52456838]Crosspost from STGYM, posting here too because I feel lost[/QUOTE] You did the right thing, here. Once you set very clear boundries like that, and someone continues to violate them you need to put your foot down. If they continue to go on after that, then they aren't really a friend -- are they? It's your body, and your comfort level, and ultimately you have the final say. It doesn't matter if someone's getting ready to go down on you and you're already halfway there, if you change your mind then it needs to stop. The same goes with jokes. If he turns around and tries to say he was joking, it still crossed that line.

I've found myself a girlfriend abroad on my vacation and it's the greatest feeling ever. I mean I have had women before but this one, the way we go together is just amazing. She's coming here in about a month and I can't wait to see her again! :dance: If you are feeling down, don't give up guys. You can find happiness in the strange places without any warning!

I am so fucking pissed off or dissapointed (not sure which is bigger in this case) The job that they said I am accepted - yeah, turns out there is no job. Basically they are Software solutions company (creating software for businesses and their needs), They had a few projects upcoming with new clients so they were hiring for it, I've gone through 6 stage interview and got accepted, was waiting on contract. They told me I am hired (so I relaxed for 2 weeks while they were "drafting contract and checking last few things"), I relaxed and was fine thinking I have job now, now at the mean time they had meeting with their clients who pulled out of deal and didnt sign contract with company so those planned projects are not going ahead so obviously my application was scrapped. I lost 2 weeks of my time because apparently they accepted me for job that didn't even exist yet, I am so fucking angry at them. Idk what to do now, I applied for 12 jobs yesterday and 8 today and I have no call backs, am I really that unhirable? fucking idk :v: Recruiters keep calling me every second but I started barely talking to them as they always ask same questions and say they will forward my CV but I never hear back from them again. I am moving out in 2 weeks unless I find money for rent (put up my TV for sale so far, which will give me half and I can borrow other half) but other than that - I am pretty fucked. My back up plan is: Moving back to homeland (Ukraine), I have apartment in Kiev so at least I can live there rent-free and my cousin - she works as software engineer there and makes decent cash so who knows, maybe it's an option (Although it feels more like a downgrade than an option)

So apparently the girl I've been crushing on for a little while may or may not be a lesbian. Oops.