Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts. - General

[QUOTE=Altofmine;52568092]It's a strange situation, I'll explain tomorrow when I have time though.[/QUOTE] Alright, now that I have a bit more time to explain the situation, here goes. So, background; my mum is setting up a small shop, they're having a special opening night. I was talking to them about how I'm not too enthusiastic/excited about having to go to it, they seemed pretty interested in it so I invited them, see if they wanted to come that night. We'd probably be spending the night around nearby rather than at the actual opening night, so we'd be doing our own thing. Provided every aligns up well with time, day, etc, we're on for a Saturday night. I'm happy, but it's prone to change, and they're a busy person, so, we will see in the next couple days I guess.

[QUOTE=Altofmine;52571104]Alright, now that I have a bit more time to explain the situation, here goes. So, background; my mum is setting up a small shop, they're having a special opening night. I was talking to them about how I'm not too enthusiastic/excited about having to go to it, they seemed pretty interested in it so I invited them, see if they wanted to come that night. We'd probably be spending the night around nearby rather than at the actual opening night, so we'd be doing our own thing. Provided every aligns up well with time, day, etc, we're on for a Saturday night. I'm happy, but it's prone to change, and they're a busy person, so, we will see in the next couple days I guess.[/QUOTE] I would take some time to consider if you will be content to be friends without more, and if you are when you ask them out proper (whenever you get to the "so can we be an item") type talk, there's not harm in explaining you don't want it to ruin the friendship either way, you would just be happy to see it be more as well. But there's no harm in giving it a while and hanging out one on one for a while and see if you start getting any vibes off them too

I may have a bit unpolular opinion but: If I like someone who is my friend and I admit it - and they say they dont feel same way: I rather cut the contact instantly without having to deal with (in todays terms): Friendzone. I mean if you like someone a lot and they basically dont feel same way / reject you - I doubt that friendship will be easy for both parties. But that's just me - if somebody has found an ultimate solution for staying friend safter being rejected - let me know.

I'd say that's unpopular because the basis of any relationship should be friendship first. If you prioritize a relationship above that, it's basically saying you don't value their friendship without a romantic connotation. In which case, you're not a very good friend to begin with. It'd be different if you just wanted to hook up with them but when you're specifically gunning for "romance or bust" you need to take a look at what you even like about them and if it's just surface level or if you actually care. You wouldn't abandon a friendship so readily if you genuinely have a solid connection. That's how I feel on the matter anyway. Having had plenty of people in the past cut ties with me when I didn't return their affection, it speaks volumes about how they thought about me in the first place. A potential date and nothing more.

[QUOTE=Pascall;52573256]I'd say that's unpopular because the basis of any relationship should be friendship first. If you prioritize a relationship above that, it's basically saying you don't value their friendship without a romantic connotation. In which case, you're not a very good friend to begin with. It'd be different if you just wanted to hook up with them but when you're specifically gunning for "romance or bust" you need to take a look at what you even like about them and if it's just surface level or if you actually care. You wouldn't abandon a friendship so readily if you genuinely have a solid connection. That's how I feel on the matter anyway. Having had plenty of people in the past cut ties with me when I didn't return their affection, it speaks volumes about how they thought about me in the first place. A potential date and nothing more.[/QUOTE] Well I used to be in friendship before which went into romantic interest but failed so few months of "friendhip" after that was completely trash/shit, we just fought every day as a friends which sucked. It's been 5 years and we dont talk and I am glad.

Yeah, basically what Pascall said. I had gotten feelings for my best friend a few months back, told her, and then I moved on from those feelings. We're still best friends because we were strong friends before that and I value her friendship.

[QUOTE=arleitiss;52573315]Well I used to be in friendship before which went into romantic interest but failed so few months of "friendhip" after that was completely trash/shit, we just fought every day as a friends which sucked. It's been 5 years and we dont talk and I am glad.[/QUOTE] I mean in that case it's obvious that neither the friendship and the relationship were good. I thought you were talking in generals, which is why I said what I did.

Depends on the girl tbh. If I'm just attracted to a girl, I can cut feelings out and stay really close with her no problem. But every now and then, there's a really unique girl that comes along that just checks all your boxes, and it's really hard to keep those feelings down. I can still stay friends, but I just distance myself a little so I don't lose my sanity and stick to group hangouts and no 10pm-3am phone calls chatting about everything and anything.

[QUOTE=Pascall;52573324]I mean in that case it's obvious that neither the friendship and the relationship were good. I thought you were talking in generals, which is why I said what I did.[/QUOTE] In that case I would say in more depends on a person who develops those extra-feelings and how they can handle it. For me personally - I kind of make all my relationships binary - they are either friend or someone I really like. Yes it may sound stupid but that's me anyway, I fail to stay friends with anyone I really like and then getting rejected by them.

[QUOTE=arleitiss;52573237]I may have a bit unpolular opinion but: If I like someone who is my friend and I admit it - and they say they dont feel same way: I rather cut the contact instantly without having to deal with (in todays terms): Friendzone. I mean if you like someone a lot and they basically dont feel same way / reject you - I doubt that friendship will be easy for both parties. But that's just me - if somebody has found an ultimate solution for staying friend safter being rejected - let me know.[/QUOTE] I don't think immediately cutting contact is the way to go, but things can eventually get weird to the point that cutting them off is the correct choice. I, for example, wouldn't wanna be friends with a woman I have deep feelings for. I'm sure I could sick it up, swallow my emotions (hey yknow that thing you probably shouldn't do), and deal with the fact that she doesn't romantically want me. But, on the other hand, we could just distance ourselves and remain acquaintances to spare hurt feelings on both sides. Try to re-kindle later on, when the dust has settled. If I've learned anything about friendship with the opposite sex, it's that infatuation usually ends up killing it. It gets better as you age, though.

Its slightly different for me since i'm currently in a relationship, but im like this all the time: Im stupid easy infatuated with people, I just really like people and I find multiple people within my friend group attractive. Ive had crushes on tons of friends, but they are still my friends. In these cases i've chosen not to mention it, but so long as you don't make it awkward (and they dont make it awkward) after they turn you down, it really shouldn't be a huge issue. You just have to accept that it WONT be more ever and enjoy what it is. Thats the part I think a lot of people fall into, they can't accept that it is simply a good friendship not more, wont ever be more, and then they have to cut off the relationship because they can't let it go. Better than the people who continue the friendship in the hopes of playing the long game into a relationship or something, but like... it does not have to be that way, although I understand some people are at a point where it is that way for them. It just feels like total crap to be on the receiving end of a good relationship just to have someone ask you out then disappear after because you didnt say yes.

[QUOTE=Pascall;52573256]I'd say that's unpopular because the basis of any relationship should be friendship first. If you prioritize a relationship above that, it's basically saying you don't value their friendship without a romantic connotation. In which case, you're not a very good friend to begin with. It'd be different if you just wanted to hook up with them but when you're specifically gunning for "romance or bust" you need to take a look at what you even like about them and if it's just surface level or if you actually care. You wouldn't abandon a friendship so readily if you genuinely have a solid connection. That's how I feel on the matter anyway. Having had plenty of people in the past cut ties with me when I didn't return their affection, it speaks volumes about how they thought about me in the first place. A potential date and nothing more.[/QUOTE] I agree that friendship should be the basis but I know from personal experience that it can be unbearable to stay friends with someone you're crushing on hard who doesn't like you in that way. When I cut the ties it was like self-perseverance. I think it's ok as long as you understand that the problem is with you, not them and you can always rekindle the friendship at some point if both parts feel like it.

Going to put in my two pence here, I did ask a girl out who I had know for nearly five years at that point in December. She declined it but it wasn't awkward or anything and things just went on as before. Its possible I just got lucky in that respect though.

[QUOTE=arleitiss;52573237]I may have a bit unpolular opinion but: If I like someone who is my friend and I admit it - and they say they dont feel same way: I rather cut the contact instantly without having to deal with (in todays terms): Friendzone. I mean if you like someone a lot and they basically dont feel same way / reject you - I doubt that friendship will be easy for both parties. But that's just me - if somebody has found an ultimate solution for staying friend safter being rejected - let me know.[/QUOTE] Lesson I should have learned a long time ago to be completely honestly.

[QUOTE=The golden;52575599]To be honest... if one of my friends approached me and tried to ask me out or say they had a crush on me and I declined (I'm aromantic) if they suddenly nuked our friendship and no longer spoke to me after that then I would see that as a betrayal of the friendship and would not allow them to speak to me again if they were to try. Just because they don't love you back doesn't mean they think poorly of you. I take my friendships very seriously and I value them immensely. I think a lot of people think that romance is the highest "tier" of feelings you can have for someone but it's really not. You can love someone who you feel isn't your friend and you can love someone who is your best friend. Peoples failure to understand this is what leads to the "she doesn't love me back, we have no hope of being together." mindset, which is just wrong because what if she values your strong friendship bond? Does that not mean anything?[/QUOTE] Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've seen situations in this thread where two people start out as friends, yet over time, one of them develops feelings for the other, confesses their feelings, and gets rejected. I did this one time with a college friend and we're still friends (I've since lost interest in dating), but what if you can't get over your feelings? Isn't the consensus to stop being friends with that person to avoid hurting yourself and the person you were friends with? Also for clarification, I agree entirely with Pascall's post at the top of this page.

[QUOTE=elevate;52575861]Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've seen situations in this thread where two people start out as friends, yet over time, one of them develops feelings for the other, confesses their feelings, and gets rejected. I did this one time with a college friend and we're still friends (I've since lost interest in dating), but what if you can't get over your feelings? Isn't the consensus to stop being friends with that person to avoid hurting yourself and the person you were friends with?[/QUOTE] Exactly, I know the whole "You gotta be happy because they are happy" thing but sometimes it doesnt really work that way. There's always that one person that comes into your life that you love so deeply it will crush you from the inside out just seeing them with somebody else. I know it might sound selfish but that's how it happens. You can always keep a friendship with a person that didnt answer for your feelings but it isnt so simple for a selected few. I think in some cases cutting contact is probably the only sensible solution. Since your saving yourself from the pain and letting them live their lives as they please. Unlike what most people think cutting contact isn't ALWAYS a sign of not caring. Sometimes it can be the complete opposite. I dont want the person that I care so deeply about to suffer trough a bad friendship because I can't deal with my own problems regarding her.

[QUOTE=SoftHearted;52575870]Exactly, I know the whole "You gotta be happy because they are happy" thing but sometimes it doesnt really work that way. There's always that one person that comes into your life that you love so deeply it will crush you from the inside out just seeing them with somebody else. I know it might sound selfish but that's how it happens. You can always keep a friendship with a person that didnt answer for your feelings but it isnt so simple for a selected few. I think in some cases cutting contact is probably the only sensible solution. Since your saving yourself from the pain and letting them live their lives as they please. Unlike what most people think cutting contact isn't ALWAYS a sign of not caring. Sometimes it can be the complete opposite. I dont want the person that I care so deeply about to suffer trough a bad friendship because I can't deal with my own problems regarding her.[/QUOTE] I went through something similar like this earlier this year, met someone, became very good friends with them, developed very strong feelings for and fucking hell how it messed with my head. They would say things that while may sound innocent to everyone else was immensely painful for me, most painful I remember was when I was in a group with them in and someone casually mentioned "Are you gonna date Gen then?" and the reply with a quick "fuck no" and I just had to sit there like everything was fine and dandy. Some nights I would of gone to bed upset, it was easily the worse personal crisis I had dealt with for some years. I needed to cut her off to stop me feeling like a shell and to stop her inadvertently using me as a welcome mat to in effect rub her boots on. Thankfully the friendship fizzled out due to other incidents but it should of been done before it came to that.

Hi, a few weeks ago I talked about a girl I met via travelling in my car. I was completely charmed, but you guys adviced not to think too much about it, and that there were many more opportunities to come for whom looks out for them. It appears that today I travelled again, and there were another girl in my car this time, completely different type (at least imo), different hobbies and all, yet I was again completely charmed. Keeping your advice in mind, I decided not to think to much about it. But thinking about the global situation made me think about this : 1. Obviously this is just the moment of my life where I discover that there are MANY things to do and live outside my comfort zone (which is currently school-home-evenings with friends at home). I know about that, my psychologist told me about it, and all I need to do is beat my fear of the unknown and of strangers. However, even after seeing those (amazing) girls, I'm not motivated to change my life style yet. I ask you guys, do you have any ideas to make me live a bit more ? 2.Today's girl was taken. And because she (subtly) mentioned it, I understood this as a barrier "not interested". But now I wonder, is flirting with an already-taken girl is "morally" bad ? As soon as I learn that they're in a relationship, I feel bad about trying to flirt, like it's a disrespect for the other guy and not fair. What do you think about it ?

what do you mean by you meet girls travelling in your car? [editline]15th August 2017[/editline] and yeah flirting with a girl who you know is taken is considered a dick move in bird culture

If someone is already in a relationship, it's hands-off.

[QUOTE=loopoo;52576654]what do you mean by you meet girls travelling in your car? [editline]15th August 2017[/editline] and yeah flirting with a girl who you know is taken is considered a dick move in bird culture[/QUOTE] In France, we use blablacar, it's something like uber : I go there with my car, I offer 3 seats to travel with me, for about €8.00 (a third of the cost of the journey) a seat. I know but sometimes it feels like missed opportunities. I feel proud to let them be happy together and at the same time regretful that it's him instead of me

[QUOTE=Eirheinger;52576961]I know but sometimes it feels like missed opportunities. I feel proud to let them be happy together and at the same time regretful that it's him instead of me[/QUOTE] What do you mean "missed opportunities"? It's not exactly an opportunity, unless you're fine with starting a relationship with a girl who's okay with cheating on you/leaving you as soon as she finds someone else she likes.

i think im just going to give up. been a month since my last swipe on tinder even after i reset my account. oh well

I get feelings for people easily. I had a friend that I liked a lot and was working out a way to ask out when she mentioned her new boyfriend. I was obviously hurt and disappointed for awhile, but the way I see it, if the other person had no feelings for me, it's kind of shitty of me to just throw away an otherwise great friendship because I can't control my feelings. We studied together, kept each other motivated in class, had many classes together, etc. We were mutually, maybe even emotionally important to one another except for the fact that I had feelings for her, and she didn't have any for me. It's hurtful, and possibly even harmful to yourself, but I valued the friendship enough that I dealt with those thing quietly. Few months later, shes still my friend, I still like her a great deal, but my romantically intent feelings for her are vitally gone. I'm also good friends with her boyfriend and we occasionally get drunk and in trouble together.

[QUOTE=_Axel;52577112]What do you mean "missed opportunities"? It's not exactly an opportunity, unless you're fine with starting a relationship with a girl who's okay with cheating on you/leaving you as soon as she finds someone else she likes.[/QUOTE] You're right. After thinking about it, it probably is a consequence of the lack of social interactions I have. Those two girls are the only (new) one I met this year. As a result, as soon as we're talking a bit, I feel like there might be something, where there's nothing. Quite disturbing to understand that on wake up.

[QUOTE=The golden;52575599]To be honest... if one of my friends approached me and tried to ask me out or say they had a crush on me and I declined (I'm aromantic) if they suddenly nuked our friendship and no longer spoke to me after that then I would see that as a betrayal of the friendship and would not allow them to speak to me again if they were to try. Just because they don't love you back doesn't mean they think poorly of you. I take my friendships very seriously and I value them immensely. I think a lot of people think that romance is the highest "tier" of feelings you can have for someone but it's really not. You can love someone who you feel isn't your friend and you can love someone who is your best friend. Peoples failure to understand this is what leads to the "she doesn't love me back, we have no hope of being together." mindset, which is just wrong because what if she values your strong friendship bond? Does that not mean anything?[/QUOTE] I know that she didn't think poorly of me and we could still have good times together. I valued her friendship a lot but what happened was that I couldn't get over my feelings for her. Every time I saw her with someone else I tried to be happy for her but it got to the point where I cried myself to sleep and every day was shit. I even had other relationships with several women over the course of it and it wouldn't go away. After a long time I broke it off because it felt like it was holding me back from happiness and it can't have been fun for her because she could see how shit I felt, even if I never showed it in any way except walking away and she even started crying once. Now when I have a girlfriend I love and look back I think I was pathetic but that's how I felt back then and I think it was the right choice to make.

[QUOTE=Eirheinger;52578837]You're right. After thinking about it, it probably is a consequence of the lack of social interactions I have. Those two girls are the only (new) one I met this year. As a result, as soon as we're talking a bit, I feel like there might be something, where there's nothing. Quite disturbing to understand that on wake up.[/QUOTE] stop using blablacar to pine after girls, it's rather strange and unfair on them if you start flirting. they've paid you money to get a seat in the car to get to where they're going. you should be chill and easygoing with them. I think it's the creepiest and worst thing to hit on a girl passenger after she's paid for a service that you aren't respecting. it basically gives her no avenue of escape, and she'll be forced to be polite even if your flirting makes her uncomfortable. best piece of advice I've seen written here in the past is to not actively go out searching for something. just be happy with yourself, treat everyone like a friend, and sooner or later someone will make it obvious that they like you for who you are.

On the topic of staying friends, I spoke to my ex yesterday since it's been four months now and I wanted to know whether anything changed. It didn't. She said the only feelings she has for me are purely on a friendship level. We kinda had a thing planned for the weekend, but honestly I don't feel like doing that anymore. It just hurts too much having her around me and being constantly reminded of what was and what could have been.

[QUOTE=loopoo;52579130]stop using blablacar to pine after girls, it's rather strange and unfair on them if you start flirting. they've paid you money to get a seat in the car to get to where they're going. you should be chill and easygoing with them. I think it's the creepiest and worst thing to hit on a girl passenger after she's paid for a service that you aren't respecting. it basically gives her no avenue of escape, and she'll be forced to be polite even if your flirting makes her uncomfortable. best piece of advice I've seen written here in the past is to not actively go out searching for something. just be happy with yourself, treat everyone like a friend, and sooner or later someone will make it obvious that they like you for who you are.[/QUOTE] Ahah no worries I don't use blablacar to meet girls, I use it because I'm a student who can't afford the cost of travel several times a month. Of course I don't flirt at all (I haven't got the balls to do that anyway), all I'm talking about is how I feel afterwards. I have respect for them, I'd never embarrass somebody consciously if I can avoid it. And by the time we meet until we part, I treat the ladies the same way I treat the guys, just talking neutrally about stuff and hobbies. I know that would be really unfair to behave otherwise. Meh you're right, but this requires me to leave my comfort zone, and hangout with friends for example, something I've never done in 20 years of existence. Actually this is part of my current psychotherapy, so I guess it'll come.

look at the bright side, you're able to pick random people up in your car and have flowing conversation. you're in the top 2% of facepunchers. if you can socialize with random strangers in your car, you can socialize with random strangers at other things too. this always gets thrown out as a first resort, but you're young and you're in highschool or college. genuinely the easiest way to meet likeminded people is to join clubs / societies. if you're not in highschool or college, just google things that interest you, like rock climbing, or kayaking, or even gardening. I bet you'll find a place that caters for that activity, and you can just rock up by yourself, have fun doing things you like, and meet people doing the same as you. I always recommend clubs / societies cause it gives you such an easy way to meet other people without having to rely on friends you already have. I hate when my friends introduce me to their social circles, cause I feel like a third wheel and I rarely see the people again, cause they're in their clique and don't go out of their way to welcome new people. whereas the people I've met at boardgames society / rock climbing are friends I made by myself and we have a stronger relationship, hang out outside of how we met and generally have a blast chilling together.