Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts. - General

[QUOTE=_Axel;52675417]To add to that, on top of this being bad for the other person it's also a terrible strategy for yourself. If you rely on your SO as a crutch, you're basically putting all your eggs in one basket. If your sole source of solace is your girlfriend, and that alone suffices to make you feel better, you may think it's great, but any relationship (and particularly those where all the weight is put on one person's shoulders) eventually goes through somewhat turbulent stages where both partners have to keep their shit together. In those turbulent stages, you will no longer have your crutch because your relationship [I]is[/I] the issue that you have to solve. You'll feel just as bad as when you were single if not more, and that's not gonna be a lasting relationship. Think about this: If you're feeling miserable now, how are you gonna feel when you end up being dumped because your GF can't put up with having to support you anymore? Learn how to support yourself first, and then you can go on into a relationship ready to weather whatever issue may arise.[/QUOTE] A few years ago, I went on a date with a girl. During that time I was dealing with a lot of isseus around myself (and some I'm still dealing with, but in a lesser degree), but what it came down to was that I was in a dark place. The date went really well, and despite only talking to her for 2 weeks via text and 1 real life encounter, I was head-over-heels for this girl. I came home the next day (stayed over at hers), so very happy. Couldn't stop smiling the entire 2 hour trainride home. I came home and she told me I came off too strong for her, and that she didn't want to see or talk to me again. And it crushed me. All my isseus came back and they were stronger than ever. Everything would've probably been better if I had kept atleast some distance and hadn't relied on her to make me happy. Anyway long story short, sort out your own isseus, because if you don't they will crush you twice as hard if your SO leaves

I asked an old friend out to hang and i hope things will work out. I called her pretty much out of the blue (told her im on vacation and i want to renew my connection with old friends) and she suggested we go to the local bar. Now mind the facts that it's been quite a while and i kinda changed as a person, which i hope will make my life easier. A little history: She's an old friend of mine from high school who i had a thing for but didn't really feel like asking her out because i had an even bigger thing for my best friend. Last time we saw each other was one year ago during a group hang out. Now when we talked on the phone i learned that she's alone most of the time unless she's at work, and she said she will check if she's able to hang out tomorrow despite work. Now in my experience most of the time people forget about calling back the day afterwards, so im not taking any chances and will call her tommorow to ask if she can. What do you guys think about this? And what tips can you give me for suggesting that im interested during the date?

[QUOTE=The golden;52676474]My post(s) is indeed aimed at everyone. They're just my general thoughts on things that would be good advice for everyone - especially as someone who was on the receiving end of another person who wanted a partner just to fill a gap in their life. It messed me up bad.[/QUOTE] What else do I do, though? The only desire I have unto myself is to not be alive. At least with other people around I'm focused on doing whatever they want me to do, whether I like it or not (which honestly I usually don't, I don't really like anything - but at least I'm doing it). So obviously I don't want to be a burden to someone else, but, what if that's just me? What if that's my default mode of operation? I don't want anything for myself other than to not exist. I don't give a shit about me. I hate being me. I hate being alive. I would really rather not exist, if it were strictly up to me. But doing for others, though, at least that has me doing something even if I don't enjoy it. Everything I do, I do for other people. I have nothing of my own that I want to do or that is important to me. I do only what is required of me for myself and sometimes not even that. How do I fix that? What could I possibly do about that? Without someone around who gives a shit to whom I can be accountable, how do I make anything matter to me?

[QUOTE=J Paul;52677806]What else do I do, though?[/QUOTE] you can hardly share happiness if it's a struggle to get on your own. How can you expect someone to live with you if you don't even wanna live with yourself? I know it sounds harsh, but sugarcoating it isn't going to help you either. The golden's advice is something you really should consider. Being in a downward, depressing cycle is very difficult. Getting out of it even more so. Some people don't get out at all, after years and years of struggling. But the people who do believed they could do it. Maybe not all the time, but they did however try to take a step in the good direction. Do you really wanna know what to do? Are you ready to take a step in the right direction? Then consider this: [B]Set goals[/B] for yourself, 1 at a time. A goal is a direction, everyone needs them because as you might have noticed a life without goals is empty. A good first goal would be [B]contacting a therapist[/B]. [B]Write your goal down[/B] on a piece of paper, and put it somewhere where you see it every day. Put it on your desk, or even tape it to the ceiling above your bed. As long as you [B]don't forget[/B] that you've set a goal for yourself and try to [B]reach for it[/B], you are on the right track. And above all, don't feel stupid for making mistakes. At least you're trying, and you can be quite proud of that. Seeing a therapist will help a lot, because he/she will help you find the right goals. And with enough time and enough achievements, you'll see improvements and you might even start really enjoying it! Make your downward spiral an upward one. And believe it or not, one day a girl will want to join you on that upward spiral. Good luck, you deserve it

someone help how do i trust people i have no trouble confiding in people but how come i never believe what anyone says unless i've experienced it i had my interview at the counseling office today and apparently individual therapy would be very good for me but im so tired of being on edge and doubtful of my friends

[QUOTE=Bathtub;52678881]someone help how do i trust people i have no trouble confiding in people but how come i never believe what anyone says unless i've experienced it i had my interview at the counseling office today and apparently individual therapy would be very good for me but im so tired of being on edge and doubtful of my friends[/QUOTE] for trust is has to be earned not given.

[QUOTE=mastfire;52679280]for trust is has to be earned not given.[/QUOTE] i would agree but like the people i have trouble trusting have never given me a reason not to trust them

Ughhhhhh I have to vent somewhere. I'm getting married in a month. Literally 30 days from now. We sent out invitations a month ago and our Save the Dates in February. Everyone in my family was super excited. But of course people are lazy and drag their feet with RSVPs (P.S. if you get a wedding invite, RSVP, [I]quickly,[/I] even if you aren't planning on going.) I started calling up the folks in my family to gently remind them that we need RSVPs done sooner rather than later so we can plan for food and drinks. I left my aunt a voicemail asking them to try to get RSVP soon. And then my fucking uncle sends me a text saying that they all can't come because they have to work that Friday. Here's the thing - they own their business, so I understand, you gotta make money, right? Except - oh yeah - I sent out the save the dates in February and the invites in the first week of August. So now I'm just really frustrated that they waited to tell us that now, instead of just telling us when they got the save the date or the invite. I really don't care that they can't come - I really do understand that they have a business to run. I'm just super frustrated about the timing of this information, you know? Anyway, thanks for reading about my whiny bullshit for the day. :v:

[QUOTE=Protocol7;52679363]Ughhhhhh I have to vent somewhere. I'm getting married in a month. Literally 30 days from now. We sent out invitations a month ago and our Save the Dates in February. Everyone in my family was super excited. But of course people are lazy and drag their feet with RSVPs (P.S. if you get a wedding invite, RSVP, [I]quickly,[/I] even if you aren't planning on going.) I started calling up the folks in my family to gently remind them that we need RSVPs done sooner rather than later so we can plan for food and drinks. I left my aunt a voicemail asking them to try to get RSVP soon. And then my fucking uncle sends me a text saying that they all can't come because they have to work that Friday. Here's the thing - they own their business, so I understand, you gotta make money, right? Except - oh yeah - I sent out the save the dates in February and the invites in the first week of August. So now I'm just really frustrated that they waited to tell us that now, instead of just telling us when they got the save the date or the invite. I really don't care that they can't come - I really do understand that they have a business to run. I'm just super frustrated about the timing of this information, you know? Anyway, thanks for reading about my whiny bullshit for the day. :v:[/QUOTE] Always sucks when people screw around getting back to people, if you put off stuff like that you do it at the expense of the organiser's sanity. Congrats on the wedding though and hope it all goes well.

I've been under immense pressure and felt like shit these two weeks. In between being invested in our uni's rookie period, my job, neurology class and not being able to see my girlfriend; I've had to deal with my disrespectful shit talking neighbor I had sex with being even more of an asshole than usual since she figured out I'm avoiding her. She even managed to turn one of our mutual friends against me and now they have resorted to pathetic bullying tactics. Today I woke up feeling strangely refreshed as I realized that I have genuinely stopped giving a fuck. It's a great and welcomed feeling but at the same time I'm scaring myself a little bit since I usually care too much about everyone else. Don't know why I'm writing this, just felt like sharing I guess.

Is it disingenuous to have an OKCupid profile that describes me and all my interests in a benign way, and to be messaging people about interesting things and common interests, but behind that, actually be pretty desperate and basically looking for any relationship that includes sex? Answering one my questions, i said that sex is more important to me than love right now. My ideal connection at the moment would be casual, but i'm boundary conscious and entirely willing to have a relationship where things move slowly, given mutual attraction (such that basically, for someone who sees me as a potential sexual partner, i am and will be fine letting them set the pace). Should i be presenting myself differently in my profile? Or being more upfront about what i'm looking for in my messages? What kind of language would that call for? I know not to be a dick, a pester, or a creep. It's just that saying, "hello, my name is _____ and i noticed you're looking for hookups. I am too, would you like to chat?" isn't a very enticing, sexy, or natural opener. Or, is that actually better, to just be honest and unintrusive? I would love to hear from people who have been on the receiving side of straight cis men's messages.

[QUOTE=DChapsfield;52682075]Is it disingenuous to have an OKCupid profile that describes me and all my interests in a benign way, and to be messaging people about interesting things and common interests, but behind that, actually be pretty desperate and basically looking for any relationship that includes sex? Answering one my questions, i said that sex is more important to me than love right now. My ideal connection at the moment would be casual, but i'm boundary conscious and entirely willing to have a relationship where things move slowly, given mutual attraction (such that basically, for someone who sees me as a potential sexual partner, i am and will be fine letting them set the pace). Should i be presenting myself differently in my profile? Or being more upfront about what i'm looking for in my messages? What kind of language would that call for? I know not to be a dick, a pester, or a creep. It's just that saying, "hello, my name is _____ and i noticed you're looking for hookups. I am too, would you like to chat?" isn't a very enticing, sexy, or natural opener. Or, is that actually better, to just be honest and unintrusive? I would love to hear from people who have been on the receiving side of straight cis men's messages.[/QUOTE] I haven't used OKCupid, but how about doing something that is more straight to the point (tinder)?

Tinder is definitely the avenue you wanna go if you're looking for hookups.

[QUOTE=RzDat;52677643]I asked an old friend out to hang and i hope things will work out. I called her pretty much out of the blue (told her im on vacation and i want to renew my connection with old friends) and she suggested we go to the local bar. Now mind the facts that it's been quite a while and i kinda changed as a person, which i hope will make my life easier. A little history: She's an old friend of mine from high school who i had a thing for but didn't really feel like asking her out because i had an even bigger thing for my best friend. Last time we saw each other was one year ago during a group hang out. Now when we talked on the phone i learned that she's alone most of the time unless she's at work, and she said she will check if she's able to hang out tomorrow despite work. Now in my experience most of the time people forget about calling back the day afterwards, so im not taking any chances and will call her tommorow to ask if she can. What do you guys think about this? And what tips can you give me for suggesting that im interested during the date?[/QUOTE] Welp i'm continuing this post, she ended up ghosting me so instead i went to the pub with the lads and watched IT in the movie theater. Still felt pretty bad afterwards so i fapped and now i'm feeling okay. :v:

I'm in a long distance relationship currently, and back in May she came to Canada to live with me for a month to really see if we could do well in person and it went amazing. Better than I could have ever imagined. We're coming up on a year and I still love her incredibly much, but a lot of the first "hot sizzle" at the start of the relationship isn't there as much. I'm confident it's just a byproduct of us being so far away from eachother because we desperately want to see eachother again, but I shouldn't be worried should I? Should things feel the same way after a year? This is also the first long distance relationship I've been in but I've been in quite a few relationships otherwise.

[QUOTE=The golden;52683106]Firstly: Yes a long-distance between you will start to strain things and can expedite the loss of the "magic" in a relationship. Secondly: Sounds like you've gotten past that initial "new love" feeling that comes from any new relationship. It's pretty hard to keep that feeling going for too long and, again, distance can make it go away faster. I wouldn't worry about it too much unless either of you sees issue in it or it's adversely impacting the relationship.[/QUOTE] Nah, we're not worried. She's still my best friend and I love her dearly, I just wanted to make doubly sure that losing that initial spark after a year isn't a bad thing. Nothing is adversely affected, and we're remaining responsible and realistic about our future and whatnot so thank you. <3

I was just messaging with a friend I lowkey had a thing for last year, and she told me that she was hitting on me for the better part of the year I didn't pick up on that at all, not a bit why am I like this

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52683654]I was just messaging with a friend I lowkey had a thing for last year, and she told me that she was hitting on me for the better part of the year I didn't pick up on that at all, not a bit why am I like this[/QUOTE] Same here, it happened 4 years ago. The answer is you probably weren't paying enough attention to her behaviour with you and maybe subtle details or hints she may have given you. (I was basically blind to this kind of stuff) If you're talking about "why didn't I ask her out" well... I'm still struggling with this issue, so can't help you on that.

[QUOTE=Eirheinger;52683682]Same here, it happened 4 years ago. The answer is you probably weren't paying enough attention to her behaviour with you and maybe subtle details or hints she may have given you. (I was basically blind to this kind of stuff) If you're talking about "why didn't I ask her out" well... I'm still struggling with this issue, so can't help you on that.[/QUOTE] I thought she was just being nice :cry:

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;52683716]I thought she was just being nice :cry:[/QUOTE] That's another question, I don't know if she was being nice with me neither :/ I told you, I was blind about this kind of thing.

Don't feel bad about missing signs It's not your job to overthink people being nice - it's their job to be more forward.

Yesterday I was at a bar with my friends, I was sitting next to a really cute girl, I was planning on saying hey to her if we made eyecontact. So we finally made eyecontact, her friend had gone to the bathroom so she was all alone. I wanted to say a real casual 'hey, what's up?' but what came out of my mouth instead was 'HEY!!!' Needless to say I cringed myself into silence after that Woops :v:

[QUOTE=The golden;52683848]It's better to assume people are being friendly with you than to assume everything is a move made on you. The latter would just lead to disappointment and would probably annoy your friends.[/QUOTE] I know, I know, I'm just very disappointed in myself for failing to pick up on obvious signs

Yeah, about that, I'm not too sure what to think here. 3 years ago, on my first year on engineering school, there was this girl I knew by sight who I ended up talking to for a dozen minutes during an event, after that I thought I noticed her looking at me rather frequently whenever we were in the same room or corridor. At some point, during some party, while I was dancing with my friends, she kinda busted outta nowhere and started dancing right in front of me while looking me in the eyes. Of course, in a way similar to last Monday, and being a goof 24/7 at that time, I reacted by doing absolutely nothing, so that kinda was the end of that. Fast forwards to today, I'm on my last year as a student, and it turns out she's in the same management class as I am (terrific class by the way). Ended up going on lunch break with her and some of her friends, on the way back we kinda broke apart from the group and had some nice-flowing conversation about our internships. During the afternoon, we had to form groups with which we'll remain til February to work on a project, so I ended up forming a group with her and another friend. Since the theme is something I was the most familiar with, I ended up talking a lot. During that time I noticed she was smiling a lot and widely, also she kept adjusting her hair, fiddling with her ponytail, stuff like that. We left class together and discussed on the way home since we live on the same bus path. Again, nice feeling all around, she laughs at my (bad) jokes. Perhaps I was a bit too directive though, at some point I inadvertently interrupted her as she tried to bring up another topic. Also in the bus she gave me less eye contact for some reason (maybe she was on the lookout for her stop?). She told me she plans on going to the party tomorrow night (so do I). We both left at the terminus since I didn't notice my stop passing by (lol) and that specific bus didn't go far enough to reach hers, and we parted ways. On the one hand I don't want to keep doing shit like last Monday, and being oblivious to signs or whatever may indicate interest, on the other as The golden says sometimes it's just people being friendly, and I don't really know how to tell the difference. I realize that my own account of the events is biased, when I'm interested in someone I'm on the lookout for clues that may indicate reciprocity and perhaps I only see things that I want to see, if that makes sense. There's also the fact I still don't know how to react if I live through a repeat of the dancing episode of three years ago. Like, should we get closer and dance together, tease each other? I'm a fucking robot. Also the whole project thing kind of makes me wary of trying something too bold. If I completely fuck up this may end up being an awkward 5 months. Then again, I'm not insecure anymore, so I can handle rejection fine. And I suppose on her side of things there's no reason not to go back to normal after she rejects me?

So I'm currently sitting here at 4am wondering what the fuck to do with my life. Supposed to be going off to university in mere hours but I just wonder if its the right option for me. The idea of self study is like a firestorm that cannot be quelled, I have serious doubts as to whether I am even capable of organising myself in such a way (Can hardly keep the stuff in my room in order as it is). Whether my choice to do a programming degree is the right path at all considering I seem to tend towards the IT side of things. My introverted nature and mental health makes most social interaction extremely draining which will probably make the social side difficult at best. Feels like a real nightmare scenario right now, the cliche "Uni will be the best days of your life" just doesn't seem to stack for me as it stands, feels like the worst possible outcome. What are the chances these feelings will pass when I get there or am I in real trouble here?

[QUOTE=_Axel;52685712] story [/QUOTE] The fact that just her not smiling and reacting as much later on in the day made you doubt of the interest you first saw might indicate that you just don't know eachother enough yet. Sometimes people change mood mid conversation. If you are going to work with her and your friend for month, the stakes are higher, it's not just someone you met in a party. Having to work with tensions in the group is not fun. I'd say give it at least a few more days being around her and see if she continues to be as friendly/open to your jokes, you'll probably have a lot of occasions to talk to her this year too if you work together, get to know her more, and understand how she feels about you. I might be misreading you but It looks like youve had only a couple meaningful conversations for now. Don't be too harsh on yourself for not reacting perfectly, thats just a reality of being in the moment and reacting to the flow of the conversation imo.

[QUOTE=Genericenemy;52686021]So I'm currently sitting here at 4am wondering what the fuck to do with my life. Supposed to be going off to university in mere hours but I just wonder if its the right option for me. The idea of self study is like a firestorm that cannot be quelled, I have serious doubts as to whether I am even capable of organising myself in such a way (Can hardly keep the stuff in my room in order as it is). Whether my choice to do a programming degree is the right path at all considering I seem to tend towards the IT side of things. My introverted nature and mental health makes most social interaction extremely draining which will probably make the social side difficult at best. Feels like a real nightmare scenario right now, the cliche "Uni will be the best days of your life" just doesn't seem to stack for me as it stands, feels like the worst possible outcome. What are the chances these feelings will pass when I get there or am I in real trouble here?[/QUOTE] You'll probably wont believe this as you're now, but once you work those legs to start going to uni, being forced to meet people that would raise your adrenaline, those dsrk cloud will dissipates quite a bit. Even though it'll be alittle bit hectic, but it'll also be a little bit brighter once you know you're on a path for something [editline]16th September 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=_Maverick_;52671917]How do you go into chat-up mode Making friends I'm fucking S+ class at, but God knows I can't drop a simple "you look pretty" without getting clammy[/QUOTE] The easiest way I think, after you 'hey' them, just compliment them on their clothes or overall style which brings out a a specific part of her charm, which is easy because they actually look good. Also put some humor on it and laugh. And then follow up with that style suit them and you dig them because they bring out her figure sexiness yada yada yada and so on. Once she get that you're interested then it'll probably doesnt matter much what you're talking about anymore

[QUOTE=Genericenemy;52686021]So I'm currently sitting here at 4am wondering what the fuck to do with my life. Supposed to be going off to university in mere hours but I just wonder if its the right option for me. The idea of self study is like a firestorm that cannot be quelled, I have serious doubts as to whether I am even capable of organising myself in such a way (Can hardly keep the stuff in my room in order as it is). Whether my choice to do a programming degree is the right path at all considering I seem to tend towards the IT side of things. My introverted nature and mental health makes most social interaction extremely draining which will probably make the social side difficult at best. Feels like a real nightmare scenario right now, the cliche "Uni will be the best days of your life" just doesn't seem to stack for me as it stands, feels like the worst possible outcome. What are the chances these feelings will pass when I get there or am I in real trouble here?[/QUOTE] I'd say fix your sleeping schedule first. Being up at 4am is a bad decision, and it's not exactly one that's hard to avoid - just go to bed earlier. Having energy to do stuff makes everything way easier. And if you don't like your degree, can't you just switch to something else? If you're legitimately disinterested in what you're doing, it's better to change course sooner rather than later.

[QUOTE=Loth;52686040]The fact that just her not smiling and reacting as much later on in the day made you doubt of the interest you first saw might indicate that you just don't know eachother enough yet. Sometimes people change mood mid conversation. If you are going to work with her and your friend for month, the stakes are higher, it's not just someone you met in a party. Having to work with tensions in the group is not fun. I'd say give it at least a few more days being around her and see if she continues to be as friendly/open to your jokes, you'll probably have a lot of occasions to talk to her this year too if you work together, get to know her more, and understand how she feels about you. I might be misreading you but It looks like youve had only a couple meaningful conversations for now. Don't be too harsh on yourself for not reacting perfectly, thats just a reality of being in the moment and reacting to the flow of the conversation imo.[/QUOTE] You're right, that's the sensible way to act. I don't know why I see tonight as some kind of deadline, maybe it's just that I want to make up for my fuck up of three years ago.

Damn, I got a super spontaneous surprise date tomorrow. It took me a bit by surprise and I'm absolutely not sure what to do on a sunday. Also this girl is like really fucking awesome, I actually want to invest myself a bit. Any ideas?