Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts. - General

[QUOTE=Strike 86;52810930]Related question: Does anybody have any experience or advice for beating depression? Been depressed for my whole adult life and I've recently started to become aware of how much it's ruined for me and how it alienates me from people. Been seeing a therapist recently and I feel like I'm making progress but it's hard, slow going and it regresses very quickly. I was curious if anybody has any specific advice.[/QUOTE] Are you on any kind of medication? Therapy and counseling can be helpful, but depression often has chemical/physiological roots that can only be properly treated with medication. You may need both therapy [I]and[/I] medicine to see the best possible improvement. Even then, overcoming depression is a long term battle. If it's chemical in origin, you may need to be permanently on antidepressants to help regulate your mood, though eventually you will likely be able to start reducing the frequency of therapy sessions. Progress will be charted over months, not weeks. Long term, semi-permanent improvements will be measured in years. You may always be at risk of relapse/regression, but maintaining your prescription and knowing how to recognize the signs of a cyclical depressive period within yourself can help you more quickly seek additional treatment when they resurface, so as to better avoid the impact depression has on your life.

[QUOTE=Strike 86;52810930]Related question: Does anybody have any experience or advice for beating depression? Been depressed for my whole adult life and I've recently started to become aware of how much it's ruined for me and how it alienates me from people. Been seeing a therapist recently and I feel like I'm making progress but it's hard, slow going and it regresses very quickly. I was curious if anybody has any specific advice.[/QUOTE] What Guy Mannly (welcome back!) said is great advice, and I want to add on to her advice. My therapist reduced my depression through a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and helping me with my goals. Both CBT and Guy Mannly's goal-setting approach require little motivation to start, so I recommend you also engage in CBT. To start, eliminate all negative thoughts that are not true and are not helpful. Just like Guy Mannly's goal-setting approach, I concentrated on positive aspects of my life I was doing well in. Although CBT takes a while, and you will relapse several times, you will eventually view yourself in a positive light, therefore amassing enough energy to pursue the goals you set for yourself. The advice Big Dumb American gave is also great advice. However, I would treat medication as a last resort, for antidepressants such as SSRIs contain addictive qualities. You don't crave SSRIs like recreational drugs, but you do become dependent on them to function. For example, when I forget to take my antidepressants, I become extremely irritable, to the point where I think I could hurt somebody. Therefore, you must exercise discipline in taking your medication exactly as prescribed.

I've had depression for the longest time, but I'm just fighting it by myself. I've given therapy a go, it sorta helped but most of it didn't sit well with me. I got prescribed Cipralex a few years ago, and boy was that a mistake. Was like being on a bad acid trip, was stuck in my own thoughts and felt like an absolute kook, having to turn lights off to stop that feeling of impending doom. Worst 5 months of my life. So I know I've got a chemical imbalance, but I'm too scared to give SSRIs a go again. I'm just really grateful I'm a bit of an introvert, makes doing things at my own pace and with who I want a lot easier. I'm not sat stewing all day feeling lonely and even more miserable cause I don't have the energy or motivation to hang out with people. [editline]23rd October 2017[/editline] I'm also surprised at how misinformed the general public is about depression. On the rare occasion that I open up to someone about it, the reply is always "You don't seem depressed, I'd never have guessed!". Can't blame them, even I had that misconception for the longest time. But yeah, you can still be normal, smile, laugh, goof about yet still have an awful case of depression. Being a happy-go-lucky person makes it really hard for people to tell, and I'd absolutely hate if I let depression win and turn me into a miserable, doom and gloom type of person (I've a few friends like this and whilst I can feel for them and help them out, it seriously gets old and makes you want to distance yourself from it, no one likes having their negative vibes affect their own mood, especially when that's the only energy they bring to the conversation. Try not to be this type of person).

I am also wondering sometimes, what people think depression should look like. While it can show in some ways depression is a mental disorder, not a physical one. It's an illness and just like any other person who has an illness, people will mostly try to hide it. It's also a matter of our society. Past generations were told that showing emotions is a sign of weakness. It takes a lot of hard to work convince yourself that by trying to openly talk to someone about your depression you won't scare them away. You don't want to be a bother, do you? Dragging everyone down with you? That's only going to make it worse. So you smile. Each day you walk into your school or your office and smile when people talk to you or when you approach them. You make jokes and try to be nice so people like you, until you get home when nobody's around and as you brush your teeth, looking at yourself in the mirror, you wonder what good fucking reason you have to get up the next day because you sure as hell can't think of one. Well, that got dark really fast. Sorry.

[QUOTE=_Maverick_;52811579]Would you think less of someone if they went to trauma counselling rather than deal with it on their own?[/QUOTE] Doesn't fucking matter what anyone else thinks, but personally I'd think more of that person for acknowledging they have a problem, and seeking to resolve it. Sometimes that requires a helping hand.

I need to relearn how to make friends. I only have a couple, and I can't tell if we're growing distant because I'm boring/annoying to hang out with, or if it's my paranoia. Problem is, I've gotten used to the hermit life, and I detest social situations. I will rarely speak first when among people I know, never if it's with strangers. Regardless, I feel the need to socialize, even if only with a few close people I trust.

Feeling the need to socialize is a normal thing and some people are not willing to step out of their comfort zone so talking first for you is harder than it seems. Your friends may not say this to you but they likely understand that you are shy and uncomfortable in social outings but there isnt anything actually wrong with that and they really wont be bored of you. Humans are pretty good at pushing people away but you still hang out right? So you are golden, even if you say one word when you go out with them, they like you. All I can suggest is try to find a topic that you can all relate and work that into a current conversation, talking first may be difficult for you but trying to change the subject in the middle of an ongoing conversation is easier and its a step in the right direction. They are now talking about a topic you started and it wasnt a topic out of the blue it was linked from a current conversation. You'll get there, its a lot of work but I am sure you will do fine just push past the filter that is stopping you and voice yourself!

There is a girl that I've known since I moved to the city I currently live in. I met her at my "elementary" (we don't use that term here in Quebec, but it's the closest thing I can come up with) school when we both were 11-12 years old and I spoke to her a few times, resulting in the most basic of conversations. We weren't friends yet, we just knew each other and everything was fine in the world. You know, I'm one of those guys that think are alone but truly isn't: obviously, I speak to many people (most of which are my friends) but I still feel a certain void that need to be fulfilled, and when it isn't, I feel stress and I develop a somewhat creepy attitude that even myself dislike. But I digress: earlier this year (in April), we met again via a friend of mine that happened to befriend her, and we started speaking more and more until we decided to, well, consider ourselves as "friends". We did more stuff together and spoke on a daily basis, at school and online when possible. Of course, we originally didn't have the strongest of bonds and she had her own friend circles that were obviously higher up socially than I was, and I didn't mind it much because back then I didn't have this 'void' I spoke of earlier. We were friends, but I was not attached to her in any way which is perfectly fine. But the more I spoke to her and the more I interacted with her, we increasingly got closer to the point of constantly speaking to each other in, say, break time or sometimes outside of school entirely (on Facebook, for example). At times, we arranged to meet and I'm pretty sure we both enjoyed every time we met. It was insanely pleasing, and that's also where I developed the void -- rather, a "place" she filled that slowly poured out over the year. I didn't feel love (well, I think so anyway) but I was, in a way, depressed if I didn't speak to her, or sad if she willingly kept me out of things we used to do together just a few months ago. I continually told myself that I'm strong, that if it goes nowhere I'll probably get over it and stop thinking about the damn friend I'll lose and that I'll probably meet someone another day that will fill the same place. The problem is that I'm not the most socially apt person. When I met her, I also met the rest of her social circle which became very good friends of mine. They are more or less important, but "she" is certainly above them it seems. If they were to go away and she remained, I would be socially satisfied anyway (but I would definitely feel sad). But if SHE were to go away, then the friends I made will go away too (because we're all intrisincally linked together: if a pillar goes, then the rest crumbles. If she goes away, then all of her friends goes away too. If I go away, then the friends I brought with me into the group will also leave as well), which means that she is of uttermost importance to my standing within the group of friend I'm apart of just like I am, apparently. And this is in relation to my social inaptitude: before meeting her, I had only few friends (most of which are gone or will be gone soon since they are leaving the school), but now I have more and this "more" is more affectionally satisfying to me than my previous friends were, hence why I prize them so much. And I know that if I were to lose them, then I would lose a large part of my social life and inherently my mental stability (I'm not exaggerating this: I predict that if my social life were to crumble, my head and its inner workings would crumble too considering I consider my friends to be one of the pillars that keeps me alive) But let me get to my point: since the start of the scholar year, we have been distancing ourselves for allegedly no reason. We still met everyday and teamed up in classwork whenever possible, but outside of school, outside of classwork, outside of the boring routine we're all apart of, she distanced herself to the point she doesn't seem to have a presence outside of my academic life. And this is unique to me I have realized, as she still meets and talks to her other friends just like last year. I'm not an idiot, I know her other friends (which she knew for a longer time) are probably more important than I am considering I just met her six or seven months ago, but I sincerely doubt that's the unique reason she would distance herself from me. Maybe I did something wrong that I didn't realize, maybe I didn't do anything and she just changed like we all change (but then I presume her attitude toward her other friends would change too? I have absolutely no idea). But I know that something [i]changed[/i] that caused this to happen, and I decided to write to her about it. Before leaving for this weekend, I decided to give her a letter that spoke about how I felt about our friendship and the group we're apart of. Some of it was my own observations, but the part I find the most important was the part I spoke about how we distanced ourselves and how we lost the routine we have established last year (we used to call each other every day on Steam to play that one damn bloody janitor game, viscera cleanup I believe, or we just called ourselves to talk some times and that was really amazing), and how I would love to restore it et cetera. I think everything I wrote in the letter was positive but I could be wrong. I mean, it's in my nature to criticize a lot of things and perhaps I inserted one or two negative comments in there about either her or our dearest friends, which would definitely vex her knowing her personality. There's also the part where I mentioned her family (only a sentence, bear in mind, and I used her family to compare it to my own familial problems), which I think is a mistake because I know that speaking of another's family and treating it as a problem is, first, not of my concern and second, terribly insulting or vexing for the ones apart of said family. I still have no idea why I mentioned it and why I used it simply as a comparative, probably manipulative element, but whatever. I still don't have a response. I gave her the letter and told her to read it "as soon as possible", and she was more than happy to receive the damn thing (because it seems that she doesn't get much letters from people, which is normal considering everybody including me uses Facebook or whatever now). I put in it a gift, which was one of my possessions (useless to mention what it was) followed by, obviously, the letter (wow didn't think of that one), and I missed today's classes due to a stress-related issue that made me inapt to go to school. I reconsidered the letter and everything I've said and decided to ask her on Messenger if she wanted to speak about it (implying she actually read the letter this weekend and didn't forget about it, or didn't burn it for that matter, which I wouldn't be surprised if she actually did) or if there was anything wrong with it. I then followed my messages with a short apology just in case she found anything vexing, insulting, egoist or "too personal", but I still have to get a response from her (she did read the first message I sent her about the letter, but not my apology). I'm simply afraid that I made a mistake by writing the damn letter and mentioning some of our friends in the process. I've put both in neither a positive or a negative light, but rather in a "neutral" light I believe. I'd like to see you guys' input on the whole situation and see what could go wrong, what I did wrong and all the bullshittery that might come with it. I would consider myself to be unexperienced in social matters (because I was alone for a long while) so I definitely need some advice on this, and I just continue to develop more and more depression/sadness/fear/stress as time goes on out of pure ignorance (I don't know what could go right or wrong, so I fear the worst). [B]Best case scenario:[/B] the letter does its expected job and solves some of my concerns and desires, which would definitely act as some sort of stimulant for me and aid me in achieving better grades (because I've noticed that ever since our relations degraded, my grades have been coincidentally falling too) [B]Worst case scenario:[/B] I lose all of the friends I prize the most and return to my introvert state, resulting in failed grades and probably poor mental health (that happened before on one or two occasions, but it was only with a friend or two and not a whole group of friends -- this would be disastrous). I might be paranoid as fuck and exaggerating everything and being a huge pessimist but again, I don't know what to think anymore. I'm pretty young too and I don't have a lot of experience when it comes to this, so another reason why I'm asking your input here. [B]edit[/B]: also, I might be a very manipulative person. I don't manipulate on purpose, but I've been told in the past that how I see social things and how I interpret or use them is done in a very manipulative or sociopathic fashion. I can't either agree or deny that. [B]edit 2[/B]: I'm also a huge liar and I'm pretty sure almost everybody knows I'm one, but that could be untrue and they might be oblivious. I lie not to create myself an image but I do it in the heat of the moment to purely create conversational matter when there's nothing interesting to be said. They end up falling back on me not in a negative way but in an annoying sort of way: for example, I once lied that I had a Russian background and I know how to speak Russian, and I said this when we were all speaking about our origins and everybody expected each other to have some wacky background. This is going on for a whole year now and I have no idea if they know it's a lie or not, but they don't seem to care about it at all. I only wish to push that lie away, but I'm somehow not able to do that and I'm forced to play the very theatre of torture I invented. I'm an asshole, I know.

yes you made a mistake by writing that letter [editline]23rd October 2017[/editline] why the fuck would you lie about speaking russian it literally serves no purpose other than meaning lying isn't an issue for you so you're also probably manipulative too

your entire post has a very elliot rodgers-esque vibe to it it's like something off of r/incel

uuuh [quote]I'm simply afraid that I made a mistake by writing the damn letter[/quote] Yes, you did. A girl isn't going to fill any "void" in your life, and conning yourself into thinking there is one that she (especially if it's only she) can fill, ironically ensures it never would be. I could speculate about how she's responded, but the important thing here is you don't get hung up on it. You have made a conscious [B][I]decision[/I][/B] to let whatever her response is make or break you. Only the latter is a possibility here. So get off that train of thought dude, it's not healthy for you OR her.

Honestly, if you wrote the letter to her in the same prose you did to us then speaking very frankly, I think you probably fucked up. You basically overthought literally everything about your friendship with her and obsessed about it to a huge degree of severity and then decided it was a good to physically provide her with evidence of your obsession. My advice in future is to recognise that your thought patterns aren't always rational and try to catch yourself before pulling shit like that. Your WHOLE problem could be solved by just... chilling out a bit and not overanalysing things [editline]24th October 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=loopoo;52813782]your entire post has a very elliot rodgers-esque vibe to it it's like something off of r/incel[/QUOTE] [img_thumb]https://i.imgur.com/imULSd6.png[/img_thumb]

[QUOTE=killerteacup;52813969] [img_thumb]https://i.imgur.com/imULSd6.png[/img_thumb][/QUOTE] I'm lactose intolerant, spider, you ever think about that? >:(

[QUOTE=Pascall;52814002]I'm lactose intolerant, spider, you ever think about that? >:([/QUOTE] more like nice guy inotlerant you thot [editline]24th October 2017[/editline] i bet you only date chads [editline]24th October 2017[/editline] no wait come back

i don't normally say seek help but please seek help your post reeks of legitimate sociopathic tendencies

[QUOTE=LordCrypto;52814020]i don't normally say seek help but please seek help your post reeks of legitimate sociopathic tendencies[/QUOTE] Nah, I wouldn't go that far. I think its just a case of awkward teen who doesn't really know when to stop and take stock or when to recognise he's blowing things out of hand If he doesn't grow out of it in 5 years or so we'll have a problem on our hands

If he's young that's just kind of a thing that a lot of young dudes go through. If he's like in his mid-20s then yeah there's probably a problem lol.

I think there's more to it than just teenage awkwardness, but that's just me. Enough people retain or develop degrees of the same mindset into their adult life and remain/become equally frustrated. And the sad thing is they rarely realise what they're doing wrong. Sinatra, you're growing up with the internet at your disposal. There's learning more important than your academic education to be done about why your attitude is harmful to yourself and potentially dangerous. Don't take any of this as an attack because more than enough of us have been there in one way or another. I'd bet the reason the response is so harsh is because it reminds some of us of our past selves. He did come here for advice after all.

[QUOTE=elevate;52812292]What Guy Mannly (welcome back!) said is great advice, and I want to add on to her advice. My therapist reduced my depression through a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and helping me with my goals. Both CBT and Guy Mannly's goal-setting approach require little motivation to start, so I recommend you also engage in CBT. To start, eliminate all negative thoughts that are not true and are not helpful. Just like Guy Mannly's goal-setting approach, I concentrated on positive aspects of my life I was doing well in. Although CBT takes a while, and you will relapse several times, you will eventually view yourself in a positive light, therefore amassing enough energy to pursue the goals you set for yourself. The advice Big Dumb American gave is also great advice. However, I would treat medication as a last resort, for antidepressants such as SSRIs contain addictive qualities. You don't crave SSRIs like recreational drugs, but you do become dependent on them to function. For example, when I forget to take my antidepressants, I become extremely irritable, to the point where I think I could hurt somebody. Therefore, you must exercise discipline in taking your medication exactly as prescribed.[/QUOTE] First, thanks for the welcome back! <3 The program I work in has all of our residents engage in DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy), which is sort of an offshoot of CBT with a larger focus on goal setting and social relationships. The goals exercise I recommended is actually the first assignment in the DBT manual we give our clients (except I probably forgot some of the categories). I would definitely recommend working through this with a professional, though. It's hard to know where to start without the guidance of a therapist. Whether you need medication is something you should leave up to a professional. Medication is beneficial short-term because it leads to patients being more receptive to treatment. Some people do need medication long-term to function, but in many cases it will become unnecessary after completing treatment. Antidepressants can give you that boost needed to make the initial changes to your lifestyle. You do become dependent on them, but if you're following the instructions of a medical professional when you withdraw and not quitting them cold turkey, it's usually not going to cause any serious adverse effects. [editline]24th October 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Rhenae;52811713]The best advice a friend ever gave me was to stop being upset that I'm not happy. No one is happy all the time and I would end up making myself more upset because I was upset that I was upset to begin with. Sometimes having a shit day is ok and it doesn't mean that's going to be a trend or that you've really regressed, it was just a bad day.[/QUOTE] This is an awesome point and is really the crux of ACT therapy. Everyone regularly experiences negatively charged thoughts. It's completely natural for us to be unsatisfied with where we're at in life. Being sad or angry aren't necessarily bad emotions to have - we just have decided, as a culture, that they are bad and that we aren't supposed to be feeling them. Emotions like sadness/anger can be great [i]because[/i] they make us uncomfortable and can be great motivators for change. If we didn't experience these emotions, we would be less likely to pursue personal growth.

[QUOTE=Pascall;52814002]I'm lactose intolerant, spider, you ever think about that? >:([/QUOTE] get lactase tablets, they're fucking amazing. it works best with slower-to-digest things like pizza etc. i still fart like a gross construct of hell when i take lactase with milk though, that shit blows right through me [editline]24th October 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Pascall;52814027]If he's young that's just kind of a thing that a lot of young dudes go through. If he's like in his mid-20s then yeah there's probably a problem lol.[/QUOTE] between the ages of 17-19 i was super clingy and awful. i'm so glad i grew out of that. now if i get really into a girl but we go separate ways, i don't wet the bed over it and spend every day thinking about it.

[QUOTE=killerteacup;52807549]How much weight do you guys put on texts? I've seen this girl twice now and both times have been stellar, and our texting started off great and fun and weird, but is quite a bit more vanilla now, although we text like every day - just workday conversation though. I'm seeing her for lunch on Tuesday, and we planned to hang on Saturday which she brought up yesterday, so I assume its still going ahead. Is this something you guys would be worried about in my position?[/QUOTE] There are days when me and my wife text each other 0 to 2 times. Sometimes it's like 95 messages in one evening. Let's take yesterday as an example: only texts we sent each other were "I'm coming over at X:XX, OK?" "OK <3" "<3" Of course, replace the <3 with Whatsapp-emojis. :v: Don't read into it too much, like BDA and others said.

RE: previous page: Thanks for your words; When I wrote that post I really didn't expect it to get that much attention. Sincerely, thank you all. The main thing therapy has helped with so far is my attitude and thinking patterns - I've made a point of noticing and attacking any negative thoughts in my head with logic and I don't make many of the thought mistakes you all described any more. I have discussed the option of drugs with my therapist but frankly I'm not thrilled with the idea. Side effects put me off. Maybe if I don't find a way towards improvement after a while I could give it a try. The goals thing is helpful - problem is I've been fairly anhedonic since late childhood so I don't really know what will even work for me. Even when I do achieve goals I've set myself (I've been cooking and stuff recently) I still don't feel any better. I'm fairly high-functioning (I have a job, some occasional hobbies and interests and some friends I play games with occasionally) but it really affects my social functioning. Nobody really wants to talk to you when you're not confident enough or capable of adding much to a conversation except faked smiles and platitudes. I just feel really numb and disconnected all the time. My brain sends no commands to the corners of my mouth to lift unbidden. I'm somewhat limited by place and circumstance but I'll keep plugging away at it with my headshrinker and try modifying my goals a bit to see how far I get. Thanks again all.

[QUOTE=SgtTupelo;52814983]There are days when me and my wife text each other 0 to 2 times. Sometimes it's like 95 messages in one evening. Let's take yesterday as an example: only texts we sent each other were "I'm coming over at X:XX, OK?" "OK <3" "<3" Of course, replace the <3 with Whatsapp-emojis. :v: Don't read into it too much, like BDA and others said.[/QUOTE] Yeah for sure. Thanks guys - I’m trying to make this relationship a bit more stable and adult than my others and I guess I doubted my own opinion. I had lunch with her today and it went swimmingly. She’s beautiful and a total delight - it’s been a long time since my mouth has hurt from smiling so much I didnt freak out or go weird and it worked out good. Thanks for the help all!

So I just had some coffee with a really nice girl at a little café We had a good talk, we laughed it was nice And she was telling [I]me[/I] about how her mother was asking [I]her[/I] when she was going to have kids etc Would that raise any red flags with you?

[QUOTE=_Maverick_;52815662]So I just had some coffee with a really nice girl at a little café We had a good talk, we laughed it was nice And she was telling [I]me[/I] about how her mother was asking [I]her[/I] when she was going to have kids etc Would that raise any red flags with you?[/QUOTE] Not particularly. I guess it depends on how she was wording it? Was she making it sound like she was implying you two should get it on and have a few babies together? If not, I'd personally just pass that off as banter. I mean, I could easily see myself casually telling a date that as well, that my parents had some expectations about me getting kids before a certain age.

Also depends on how old you are. If you're pretty young where kids aren't really in your near future then it might be a little funky but still not really a red flag. But it'd be a little more normal if you guys are mid to late 20's since that's generally when the "HAVE A KID" pressure starts from the family so some women are kind of feeling out how potential dates feel about that. Either way I wouldn't worry too much about it unless she continues to persist with the topic over the course of several dates.

my girlfriend and i graduated from university at the same time and we had a big graduation dinner with both our families and my grandma told me, in front of everyone, "she has good genes, you better lock that down" it can always be worse, my dude

Grandma being top-tier wingman.

[QUOTE=Clive;52813461]Feeling the need to socialize is a normal thing and some people are not willing to step out of their comfort zone so talking first for you is harder than it seems. Your friends may not say this to you but they likely understand that you are shy and uncomfortable in social outings but there isnt anything actually wrong with that and they really wont be bored of you. Humans are pretty good at pushing people away but you still hang out right? So you are golden, even if you say one word when you go out with them, they like you. All I can suggest is try to find a topic that you can all relate and work that into a current conversation, talking first may be difficult for you but trying to change the subject in the middle of an ongoing conversation is easier and its a step in the right direction. They are now talking about a topic you started and it wasnt a topic out of the blue it was linked from a current conversation. You'll get there, its a lot of work but I am sure you will do fine just push past the filter that is stopping you and voice yourself![/QUOTE] Thanks for the post. I've been thinking about it throughout the day, and I think you've pinpointed a problem of mine: I don't ask people about themselves. If someone asks me something about myself, I'll gladly reply and talk, but I'm such an idiot that I never stop and think about doing the same.

Not an idiot at all, no need to call yourself that. You just find it difficult to retort and that's okay.