Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts. - General

[QUOTE=da space core;52848344]To be honest, I rather know someone a bit before considering anything romantic, I dont really "fall" for anyone just like that. Of course, the problem with this is that people just then of course assume I want friendship. At this point its clear that I have to be more direct from the get go, but after hanging around my female friends for a while, I also barred witness to the few attempts guys made to hit on them and so forth, and it just looked so degrading and insulting that I never want to look like that either. I suppose I never had a good example of what asking someone out would look like, particularly with strangers. Of course not. I enjoy my friendships for what they are, be they with male or female, because it lets me know some really cool people. its just at this point, I feel stable and capable enough that I yearn some some deeper relationship and connection with others, something I never was able to get[/QUOTE] This is pretty much the boat I'm in as well TBH. I don't want to be the kind of guys that hit on my best friend (god why are there so many idiot guys out there), but I'm not really sure how to put myself out there all that well. I value all my friendships a lot, I just want something more with someone else, ya know?

[QUOTE=Ignhelper;52848643]Hear her pov, and try to address her concerns as a friend by advising her. She need to talk with her bf about the issue and not keep mum about it. Commuication seems like the problem in this case, a nice comfy environment can make it easier to talk over. Hang out with her in person maybe over coffee or something chill. [editline]3rd November 2017[/editline] Nobody can help you if you don't help yourself. Alienating yourself from other opportunities isn't going to help, its something you gotta push yourself into if your social circle is too small.[/QUOTE] This is almost exactly what I've been telling her, she's got a depressive, self loathing kind of personality and she's being really hard on herself right now. I know she's strong enough to get through it, she's helped me through hard times so I'm not giving up on her.

I never got the hang of meeting new people and making new friends as an adult. What do you guys suggest to someone timid and bad at anything social?

I've never asked somebody out by just literally asking them out. I always took the long route of: Become friends, hang out in group of friends together, then eventually offer to meet 1 on 1. It's a massive fucking waste of time, literally takes months and only worked properly twice. I just can't ask some girl like: "Wanna go out sometime?" or any of those direct questions, I have extremely fucking low self-esteem and confidence in these things and if I was to ask somebody to go out and they said no - I would probably run away, bury myself into ground and ask someone to pour cement over from shame and failure.

[QUOTE=arleitiss;52849047]I've never asked somebody out by just literally asking them out. I always took the long route of: Become friends, hang out in group of friends together, then eventually offer to meet 1 on 1. It's a massive fucking waste of time, literally takes months and only worked properly twice. I just can't ask some girl like: "Wanna go out sometime?" or any of those direct questions, I have extremely fucking low self-esteem and confidence in these things and if I was to ask somebody to go out and they said no - I would probably run away, bury myself into ground and ask someone to pour cement over from shame and failure.[/QUOTE] This is incredibly more common than you might think. Fact is if you end up being "friends" for a significant length of time with the ulterior objective of getting in pants and/or seeking a relationship, it's not going to happen. If you don't make your intentions known within the first few days of meeting a girl then they'll have already put you in the "doesn't wanna fuck me" box, and any attempt to do so later would come off as disingenuous at best. That doesn't mean don't get to know them beforehand, just that there isn't a "long game" to any of it. Beyond that, you just gotta go for it at the end of the day. Rejection is painful sure, but that pain is a lesson - deciding that you're going to get rejected anyway so you have an excuse not to bother will teach you nothing.

[QUOTE=LordCrypto;52848456]then talk to other people who aren't in your department it's pretty simple[/QUOTE] why should he have to make an effort, a perfect girlfriend into all his hobbies and that likes all the things he likes should just fall into his lap

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;52849209]why should he have to make an effort, a perfect girlfriend into all his hobbies and that likes all the things he likes should just fall into his lap[/QUOTE] SO THAT'S how babies are made!

One of the girls that I tutor through the university (over Skype, but she lives on the same campus that I do) is super cute and she laughs at the stuff I say even when it's not funny so I guess there's a chance she likes me. Seems pretty immoral to ask her out if I'm her tutor though, I would wait until the end of the semester but I'm pretty sure she's graduating this December.

What's "immoral" about it? You're both adults.

[QUOTE=Wealth + Taste;52849912]One of the girls that I tutor through the university (over Skype, but she lives on the same campus that I do) is super cute and she laughs at the stuff I say even when it's not funny so I guess there's a chance she likes me. Seems pretty immoral to ask her out if I'm her tutor though, I would wait until the end of the semester but I'm pretty sure she's graduating this December.[/QUOTE] are you paid by the university for tutoring if so, the answer is most likely "you asking her out is probably a fireable offense"

If she's an adult, there's nothing wrong with dating a faculty or staff member as long as it's not affecting grades unfairly. I was seeing a guy who taught at my university for a little while and nobody really cared. Unless it's specifically outlined in your job handbook or something, it's not a big deal.

[QUOTE=Pascall;52850019]If she's an adult, there's nothing wrong with dating a faculty or staff member as long as it's not affecting grades unfairly. I was seeing a guy who taught at my university for a little while and nobody really cared. Unless it's specifically outlined in your job handbook or something, it's not a big deal.[/QUOTE] as someone who has read his handbook for being a TA, i was explicitly told during my online training that entering into any sort of relationship with someone i have authority over(actual or perceived) was fireable if i'm tutoring someone and ask them out and say no, i could use my authority over their learning to teach them subtly wrong things, just wrong enough for them to not really notice, but wrong enough for them to get screwed over

Depends on the university then, I imagine.

did the guy you were seeing have authority over you in an educational sense? if no then it's totally fine. the sense i'm getting is that Wealth + Taste is in a slightly more undefinable spot and i'd err on the side of caution when it comes to asking people out who you have authority over

[QUOTE=Wealth + Taste;52848712]This is almost exactly what I've been telling her, she's got a depressive, self loathing kind of personality and she's being really hard on herself right now. I know she's strong enough to get through it, she's helped me through hard times so I'm not giving up on her.[/QUOTE] I’ve been going through something similar over the past two weeks. I moved to the US partially because of my gf for uni, (bad idea, I know) then something just clicked, and she stopped being in love. We’ve been dating for almost two years. I had one friend really that I talked to about it and she was really cool in helping me through it. What helped for me is just knowing that I have people to talk to at basically any time, (she came by to talk to me at almost midnight) her just listening to what I had to say, and trying to take my mind off the breakup, just talking about totally random shit. As for a question of my own, how do I meet people? Like I said, I moved here just over two months ago from Poland, and the only people I could really consider my friends are my roommates, the people across the hall from me, and the one girl my roommate knew before coming her that we often hang out with. I’ve joined a few clubs - College Choir, my college’s Mediterranean Ensemble, my college’s competitive gaming club, and I’m probably going to try to join the fencing club here too. The problem is, everyone in my classes and clubs just feels like someone I talk to when I’m there and then totally forget about when I leave and I don’t know how to change it. I guess since I’m a freshman, a lot of people feel unapproachable to a degree, since in most of the clubs, I only know upperclassmen. What should I do to make new friends? I feel really awkward just walking up to people.

Agree with everyone, you are both old enough for this not to be a problem.

[QUOTE=Clive;52850612]Agree with everyone, you are both old enough for this not to be a problem.[/QUOTE] it's always an issue though having some kind of authority and power over a person may subconsciously influence their decisions and thought process

[QUOTE=SebiWarrior;52850718]it's always an issue though having some kind of authority and power over a person may subconsciously influence their decisions and thought process[/QUOTE] Being a teacher/tutor isn't really power over somebody and by the way that the guy is talking he doesn't feel like he does have any power or authority over her so I am fairly sure he won't display any whilst with her.

[QUOTE=LordCrypto;52850030]as someone who has read his handbook for being a TA, i was explicitly told during my online training that entering into any sort of relationship with someone i have authority over(actual or perceived) was fireable if i'm tutoring someone and ask them out and say no, i could use my authority over their learning to teach them subtly wrong things, just wrong enough for them to not really notice, but wrong enough for them to get screwed over[/QUOTE] Yup, I'm paid by the University and my duties include giving her quizzes and marking down the grade. That's why I think it's a conflict of interest. On the other hand, there's only 4 weeks left in the semester, and I guess chances are on the low end I'd be found out.

[QUOTE=Wealth + Taste;52851385]Yup, I'm paid by the University and my duties include giving her quizzes and marking down the grade. That's why I think it's a conflict of interest. On the other hand, there's only 4 weeks left in the semester, and I guess chances are on the low end I'd be found out.[/QUOTE] Its not just about being found out dude. You need to consider her perspective, if you ask her out you are putting her in a super awkward spot if she wanted to say no, she then has to be concerned about how you react to that and how it will affect her tutoring. That's why that rule exists.

Does anyone have some advice on how to deal with a breakup in a mutual friend group? Long story short, it was sorta mutual, I'm still hurting, I get jealous when she talks to my best friends and I've decided to opt out of some group hangouts to avoid causing trouble for people but I'm still upsetting people (namely her) for not being cool with everything yet (after about a month)

[QUOTE=Wealth + Taste;52851385]Yup, I'm paid by the University and my duties include giving her quizzes and marking down the grade. That's why I think it's a conflict of interest. On the other hand, there's only 4 weeks left in the semester, and I guess chances are on the low end I'd be found out.[/QUOTE] Why don't you just wait those 4 weeks then? I assume you say that because you won't be tutoring her afterwards?

You could do it, but you run yourself the risk of potentially being involved with nepotism, and you might give her better grades to make her feel better/or if she insist. Its a fine line to walk.

[QUOTE=Wealth + Taste;52851385]Yup, I'm paid by the University and my duties include giving her quizzes and marking down the grade. That's why I think it's a conflict of interest. On the other hand, there's only 4 weeks left in the semester, and I guess chances are on the low end I'd be found out.[/QUOTE] yes hello that is a fireable offense where i work there's no way your college wouldn't have that be a fireable offense

[QUOTE=Bathtub;52851633]Does anyone have some advice on how to deal with a breakup in a mutual friend group? Long story short, it was sorta mutual, I'm still hurting, I get jealous when she talks to my best friends and I've decided to opt out of some group hangouts to avoid causing trouble for people but I'm still upsetting people (namely her) for not being cool with everything yet (after about a month)[/QUOTE] I think you are doing the right thing by not participating. I know its shit because they you lose your friends aswell but if you are still jealous then you hanging out with them will make it super awkward for people especially if your are getting jealous about your best friends, youll just end up hating them too (More than likely). Have a break from them you really need to get over her before you can be around her again, or if you really are going to stay in that group of friends you need to stop caring who she talks too. Easier said than done, I know.

[QUOTE=Clive;52851748]I think you are doing the right thing by not participating. I know its shit because they you lose your friends aswell but if you are still jealous then you hanging out with them will make it super awkward for people especially if your are getting jealous about your best friends, youll just end up hating them too (More than likely). Have a break from them you really need to get over her before you can be around her again, or if you really are going to stay in that group of friends you need to stop caring who she talks too. Easier said than done, I know.[/QUOTE] you're absolutely right. I wish more than anything that I could just be fine with stuff, but I'm not, and it's causing trouble. I basically just got fairly drunk and high when we all tried hanging out and I thought I did okay but she was apparently dissapointed in how i acted. Thankfully, one of our friends suggested we all just cool it on hanging out and talking all the time for the time being. I'm really grateful. It sucks that we kinda have to be in our own mini groups for awhile but I think itll help with the drama

[QUOTE=Rhenae;52851531]Its not just about being found out dude. You need to consider her perspective, if you ask her out you are putting her in a super awkward spot if she wanted to say no, she then has to be concerned about how you react to that and how it will affect her tutoring. That's why that rule exists.[/QUOTE] Great point, I never though about it that way. Thanks, If I do anything I'll definitely wait until after the semester.

Some girl I like just admitted to texting me whilst having a shit. I am not sure how to feel about this. :p

Last month, I decided to send a message over facebook to someone I met earlier this semester. We started talking for a bit, and then we met up in person for coffee a few days later. Later that week I asked her out to go bowling on campus, we went and had pizza together afterwards. While I was walking to her dorm she "randomly" mentioned that her roommate is never around. I got the hint, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with it, and the back of my mind was telling me that she doesn't seem to be that type of person, so I just asked her who her roommate was and left it at that. A friend of mine, who coincidentally lives next door to this girl, saw us walking together and talked to me about it later on in the day. My friend told me that she overheard a phone conversation this girl had one day, and warned me to go slow as "she's Japanese" (in my friend's own words, who is also Japanese) and has rejected guys in the past who have gone too fast. The week after that I invited her to come to a Halloween event on campus after checking if she was available, as some of our mutual friends would be there. She messaged me back saying she forgot she had a nabe (a type of hot pot dish) party with some of her friends, and couldn't go. I told her "ok cool" and then we spent the night messaging to each other about nabe. When the party started she messaged me saying she'll come over to the party for a bit, and later asked me if I was going ice skating later that night (our campus has certain days where you can rent ice skates for free and skate around the hockey rink). I said yeah and was pretty stoked. She came to the event with a bunch of students from her university and some friends they hang out with (think 20 people or so), they all spread out and it was just her, a mutual friend of ours and myself. I was doing my usual socially awkward thing of not saying anything. When I finally was about to start speaking, the mutual friend suddenly asked me if I think Japanese girls are cute and/or sexy. She was smiling at me and was kinda sticking her tongue out after he asked me this, and I was in so much shock I barely muttered out a "yes". I drove her and a friend of hers to the hockey rink. We got there before the other students from her university did, and were able to get ice skates before they ran out. It felt pretty awkward at times, because it felt like they were watching us, but a group of students I worked with over the summer were there which helped my anxiety a lot. I hadn't ice skated before, and she ice skates fairly regularly, so she went at her own pace. I was able to figure out how to skate pretty quickly (I used to rollerskate a lot as a kid, and apparently that's harder to use than inline skates) and was able to sort of catch up to her speed in about an hour. Whenever she lapped me she would stop next to me and talk for a bit before continuing. We left together as her friend wanted to go to a drinking party, and she isn't much of a drinker or a partier. I kind of feel bad because pretty much all of our messages are just us planning to meet in person, we rarely have normal conversations through messages. Is this normal? At the beginning of this week I wasn't sure what to send to her, so I just asked if she was going to the upcoming Korean culture night that's this weekend. She wasn't sure if she was at first, but when I asked her if she wanted to go together she said yes. I'm pretty confident there's mutual interest in each other, but I'm thinking that by not messaging her that often she's losing interest or something, which is making me more anxious than I already am.

got in from uni, realised i am bored outta my skull, hop on fb to see if there's any friends to hang out and do shit with, realise i've only really got two groups of friends i hang out with, both of which aren't up for anything, or they're going drinking which i'm not a fan of (cause i have no self restraint) and then i feel silly for having tonnes of acquaintances and not many friends, cause i barely put effort into my social life since a lot of people i hang out with aren't really my type of mates. oopsie. the society / club aspect of the new uni i'm at is also garbage, most of the groups aren't kept up to date and are almost dead, so meeting people through that is a ballache, since only about 6 people turn up. i miss the feeling i had in the city i used to live in: i had a really solid social group and most of us were almost always free to just chill and hangout and chat, one of us would message and then just like that, we'd all be at someone's apartment playing boardgames or watching a movie.