Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts. - General

I wouldn't think so since I can still send messages, just that my friend hasn't been online for a while and I'm panicking in case he got hit by a van or eaten by cannibals.

[QUOTE=The golden;52865395]This is a little trick I taught myself to do in order to prevent my ASD brain from utterly trashing conversations with people - both physical and digital. Ask a lot of questions. Ask questions, ask the person to expand on their points, ask them to give details, share further experiences, etc. It's really easy to do once you get the hang of it and it shows that you are interested in what they are saying and their conversation without taking a lot of effort.[/QUOTE] Interesting... I am ASD too, and after reading this, I am I intrigued to conduct a highly unscientific straw poll in the thread to see how common it is here. If somebody has any one of the following: Autism/Asperger's Dyspraxia Dyslexia ADHD-PI/PH Could you let me know? I suppose I ask because I thought it was rarer than what this thread would have me believe. I have Asperger's and Dyspraxia myself, with a dash of ADHD for good measure. [editline]7th November 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Elstumpo;52864692]Sweetie- I live my life one financial quarter at a time.[/QUOTE] Just the tip, then? :p Edit: In other, positive news, a girl I quite like loves the music I write, and seems genuine in that. It has always been my dream to meet somebody like this. :D Here's one of the things I sent her: [url]www.soundcloud.com/mikehawkbiscuit/change-wav[/url]

How do I make myself stop being interested in looking for a relationship? I'm recognizing that wanting to find someone to date is negatively affecting my mental state, making me even less desirable to potential partners as a result.

[QUOTE=Taepodong-2;52866628]How do I make myself stop being interested in looking for a relationship? I'm recognizing that wanting to find someone to date is negatively affecting my mental state, making me even less desirable to potential partners as a result.[/QUOTE] it's easier said than done, but try seeing people less as a sexual/romantic prospect and more as a human being, y'know. instead of finding out if you'd be romantically compatible, just try to see if they are an interesting person, stuff along those lines. otherwise, redirect the energy you're putting into looking for a relationship into other aspects of your life. work on yourself, socialize more, pick up a new hobby that you can delve into, read a book, etc etc

[QUOTE=Taepodong-2;52866628]How do I make myself stop being interested in looking for a relationship? I'm recognizing that wanting to find someone to date is negatively affecting my mental state, making me even less desirable to potential partners as a result.[/QUOTE] Unfortunately, there is a biological imperative and it is impossible to prevent it from affecting you. I don't really know what advice to offer apart from that you will almost certainly meet someone eventually.

[QUOTE=Dan The Man;52865975]Interesting... I am ASD too, and after reading this, I am I intrigued to conduct a highly unscientific straw poll in the thread to see how common it is here. If somebody has any one of the following: Autism/Asperger's Dyspraxia Dyslexia ADHD-PI/PH Could you let me know? I suppose I ask because I thought it was rarer than what this thread would have me believe. I have Asperger's and Dyspraxia myself, with a dash of ADHD for good measure[/QUOTE] Asperger's and ADHD here. There's going to be a TON of us on an online forum such as this, even in a thread such as this.

-snip-

[QUOTE=loopoo;52867084]a group of friends i hang out with are real toxic. they told me i play the victim card and am being a little bitch about things, but i'm almost certain i'm the only normal one in this situation. every time we're in a group setting, they will nonstop crack barbed jokes at people's expense. it's so bad that i legitimately won't ever invite them out with my other social group cause i know it'd be a shitshow and my other friends wouldn't like them. am i overreacting for calling them out on their shit? i straight up told them i'm not gonna waste my time hanging out with them in the future, cause every time has been the exact same: i go in there feeling laid back and happy, and end up leaving feeling annoyed and angry. the shit talk and toxic joking is at 100% from start to finish, it's like we can't just sit and enjoy each other's company or talk about normal stuff. i told them they don't know when to switch off, but they're claiming it's banter and they do it all the time. i told them just cause everyone is throwing around toxic banter doesn't justify it. i swear, sitting back and observing the group, everyone is so on edge and just waiting for someone else to cock up or do something so they can dogpile on the person instead of being singled out themself. it's such a negative atmosphere. am i the crazy one in this situation or am i the only sane one? sometimes i feel it's probably got to do with the fact i'm much older than them and they are still immature, but fuck me. if i didn't consider them friends, i legitimately would have knocked them on their asses right about now.[/QUOTE] Some banter can be fun, but people can definitely go too far. The problem is that a lot of jokes are rooted in a taboo reality, so any joke made about something in particular can be surprisingly revealing about how others view you and your faults. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

So I met my current girlfriend through one of my really close friends. They were also best friends, and I immediately was head over heels for her, and we've been dating for almost 6 months with almost no problems. Except for one. That friend has always been kind of weird, but it took a new turn when we started dating. I could understand if he was uncomfortable, but he then started dating her best friend so I don't understand why he reacted the way he did. He pretty much flat out told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore, and it wasn't even just about her, it also had to do with my general personality. To make a long story short, this continued from may until August. In that time, she stopped talking to him as well, as he started being an utter asshole to her as well. He would also talk shit about me behind my back to her friends and just in general treated me like shit. She started talking to him on the condition that he'd try and patch things up with me, but i was always skeptical he'd just use me to get back to her. Well I was right, because he talked to me, blamed the whole fiasco on her, saw me once, and then ghosted me again without warning. I've tried everything I can to talk to him again. He'll occasionally respond or send me snapchats of bongs but he just wouldn't talk to me. I could deal with that, but that changed when I saw him on Halloween. He treated me like utter shit, ignoring me to my face and basically ruining the whole night and getting into a fight with his girlfriend. He's since straight up ignored me further and done other shit I can't really remember. My girlfriend still hangs out with him as if nothing happened. It makes me so anxiety riddled, and with major GAD, I can't really deal with it anymore. I know that they were best friends before I was in the picture, and I respect that, but I really can't deal with this anxiety anymore. ESPECIALLY not when she won't tell me that they're hanging out for fear that I'll have a breakdown. I love her loads, but I can't take this anymore. What do I do? I have no idea what to do. Sorry for weird edit/post, I accidentally hit the post button early. [editline]7th November 2017[/editline] I'm also sorry if this post makes no sense I'm having a mini panic attack over something unrelated and this isn't helping.

[QUOTE=mcgrath618;52867152]So I met my current girlfriend through one of my really close friends. They were also best friends, and I immediately was head over heels for her, and we've been dating for almost 6 months with almost no problems. Except for one. That friend has always been kind of weird, but it took a new turn when we started dating. I could understand if he was uncomfortable, but he then started dating her best friend so I don't understand why he reacted the way he did. He pretty much flat out told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore, and it wasn't even just about her, it also had to do with my general personality. To make a long story short, this continued from may until August. In that time, she stopped talking to him as well, as he started being an utter asshole to her as well. He would also talk shit about me behind my back to her friends and just in general treated me like shit. She started talking to him on the condition that he'd try and patch things up with me, but i was always skeptical he'd just use me to get back to her. Well I was right, because he talked to me, blamed the whole fiasco on her, saw me once, and then ghosted me again without warning. I've tried everything I can to talk to him again. He'll occasionally respond or send me snapchats of bongs but he just wouldn't talk to me. I could deal with that, but that changed when I saw him on Halloween. He treated me like utter shit, ignoring me to my face and basically ruining the whole night and getting into a fight with his girlfriend. He's since straight up ignored me further and done other shit I can't really remember. My girlfriend still hangs out with him as if nothing happened. It makes me so anxiety riddled, and with major GAD, I can't really deal with it anymore. I know that they were best friends before I was in the picture, and I respect that, but I really can't deal with this anxiety anymore. ESPECIALLY not when she won't tell me that they're hanging out for fear that I'll have a breakdown. I love her loads, but I can't take this anymore. What do I do? I have no idea what to do. Sorry for weird edit/post, I accidentally hit the post button early. [editline]7th November 2017[/editline] I'm also sorry if this post makes no sense I'm having a mini panic attack over something unrelated and this isn't helping.[/QUOTE] He clearly has a thing for her, but considering that he never told you that before you started dating, none of this is your fault. I absolutely don't think you should be trying to patch things up with him at this point, but unfortunately, if you love her, you don't really want to start dictating who she can and can't hang out with. Hopefully she will pick up on the fact their continued friendship makes you extremely uncomfortable and will back off a bit, if not entirely.

[QUOTE=Dan The Man;52867257]He clearly has a thing for her, but considering that he never told you that before you started dating, none of this is your fault. I absolutely don't think you should be trying to patch things up with him at this point, but unfortunately, if you love her, you don't really want to start dictating who she can and can't hang out with. Hopefully she will pick up on the fact their continued friendship makes you extremely uncomfortable and will back off a bit, if not entirely.[/QUOTE] Oh she knows 100%, but it's difficult to not talk to him because he is dating her best friend. So I'm kind of stuck. [editline]7th November 2017[/editline] She's also tried telling me that it doesn't matter to make me feel more comfortable but to me it really does. Honestly, I don't see any other options besides either breaking up with her or continue on having panic attacks over this. I love her too much to break up with her, especially when she makes me as happy as she does. I just can't take this anxiety anymore. It also doesn't help that he's a former Facepuncher :v:

I currently live in a house of 6 with friends for university, which includes one of my best friends, i.e. someone I trust implicitly to always have my back and care about me because that's how I am with him. This is something we've both actively spoken about, and we genuinely have put effort into it. 3 of my housemates, including said best friend, plus one other friend decided to secretly agree that if one other person needed a place and joins the group that they'd split the group in two along their own chosen lines (i.e. that four then the rest of us), but up until that became a thing they kept that from us, and kept the impression that they'd stick with the current house for next year, to the point that we were having house viewings as a group this morning. Come lunch, someone asked to join the group and they just posted to the group chat how things were going to work. Obviously those of us not included told them that what they were doing was fucked up, and they called it off. None of them have apologised, they've made excuses but all of them basically amount to them having to compromise and that not being acceptable. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I spend half my life trying to deal with my fears that everyone's going to leave and/or screw me over as soon as it's convinient, to the point where on average it's taken me about two hours to fall asleep over the past few weeks. I went home over the weekend and managed to sort my head out, then this happens. I don't want to lose my friends but I'm also not going to let them just act as if they weren't completely willing to stab the rest of us in the back. That means I'm left just wondering if they're going to apologise and make it up to us.

[QUOTE=mcgrath618;52867320]Oh she knows 100%, but it's difficult to not talk to him because he is dating her best friend. So I'm kind of stuck. [editline]7th November 2017[/editline] She's also tried telling me that it doesn't matter to make me feel more comfortable but to me it really does. Honestly, I don't see any other options besides either breaking up with her or continue on having panic attacks over this. I love her too much to break up with her, especially when she makes me as happy as she does. I just can't take this anxiety anymore. It also doesn't help that he's a former Facepuncher :v:[/QUOTE] To be totally blunt with you, if you are considering breaking up with her over this, you don't love her truly. I don't know how long you have been dating girls for, but what you are feeling is probably lust, not love. I am not trying to devalue how shitty this is for you; not at all; I am just saying that you should probably not consider this relationship as important as it may feel right now. When you say "She's also tried telling me that it doesn't matter to make me feel mor3 comfortable," what do you mean? I think you may have missed a word or something. If you meant to say that she is not going to do something to help, then you should probably break it off anyway.

Love is a nebulous term to begin with, I'd hestitate to tell anyone that what they're feeling is or isn't love.

[QUOTE=Wealth + Taste;52867936]Love is a nebulous term to begin with, I'd hestitate to tell anyone that what they're feeling is or isn't love.[/QUOTE] True, but in my experience, it is something that totally transcends everything else and is very clear to me. I wasn't saying it to be an arsehole - I was saying it to help him make the ideal choice that works for him best (whatever that may be) without worrying too much. I would never leave somebody I loved because of an awkward situation with a friend, that's all, and I can't understand being able to consider it unless it wasn't love I felt.

[QUOTE=Dan The Man;52867956]True, but in my experience, it is something that totally transcends everything else and is very clear to me. I wasn't saying it to be an arsehole - I was saying it to help him make the ideal choice that works for him best (whatever that may be) without worrying too much. I would never leave somebody I loved because of an awkward situation with a friend, that's all, and I can't understand being able to consider it unless it wasn't love I felt.[/QUOTE] Love comes very clearly to me, and I know for a fact that I love her. The reason I am at all in any way considering breaking up with her is from a "if you love it, let it free standpoint," because then she could be free of this anxious wreck and be able to hang out with her friend in peace. Even then, I'm not actually genuinely considering it. My point in putting it in writing was to show that I don't have any options from my point of view, and the ones I do have are less than satisfactory. Again, I'm NOT ACTUALLY CONSIDERING IT. [editline]8th November 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Dan The Man;52867828]To be totally blunt with you, if you are considering breaking up with her over this, you don't love her truly. I don't know how long you have been dating girls for, but what you are feeling is probably lust, not love. I am not trying to devalue how shitty this is for you; not at all; I am just saying that you should probably not consider this relationship as important as it may feel right now. When you say "She's also tried telling me that it doesn't matter to make me feel mor3 comfortable," what do you mean? I think you may have missed a word or something. If you meant to say that she is not going to do something to help, then you should probably break it off anyway.[/QUOTE] It's not like there's much that she can do, at least that's how she's conveyed it to me. The guy lives with her best friend and her sisters, and goes to her school.

[QUOTE=mcgrath618;52868751]Love comes very clearly to me, and I know for a fact that I love her. The reason I am at all in any way considering breaking up with her is from a "if you love it, let it free standpoint," because then she could be free of this anxious wreck and be able to hang out with her friend in peace. Even then, I'm not actually genuinely considering it. My point in putting it in writing was to show that I don't have any options from my point of view, and the ones I do have are less than satisfactory. Again, I'm NOT ACTUALLY CONSIDERING IT. [editline]8th November 2017[/editline] It's not like there's much that she can do, at least that's how she's conveyed it to me. The guy lives with her best friend and her sisters, and goes to her school.[/QUOTE] I apologise then, because wanting to break it off with somebody to protect *them* should be the dictionary definition of love.

[QUOTE=loopoo;52867084]a group of friends i hang out with are real toxic. they told me i play the victim card and am being a little bitch about things, but i'm almost certain i'm the only normal one in this situation. every time we're in a group setting, they will nonstop crack barbed jokes at people's expense. it's so bad that i legitimately won't ever invite them out with my other social group cause i know it'd be a shitshow and my other friends wouldn't like them. am i overreacting for calling them out on their shit? i straight up told them i'm not gonna waste my time hanging out with them in the future, cause every time has been the exact same: i go in there feeling laid back and happy, and end up leaving feeling annoyed and angry. the shit talk and toxic joking is at 100% from start to finish, it's like we can't just sit and enjoy each other's company or talk about normal stuff. i told them they don't know when to switch off, but they're claiming it's banter and they do it all the time. i told them just cause everyone is throwing around toxic banter doesn't justify it. i swear, sitting back and observing the group, everyone is so on edge and just waiting for someone else to cock up or do something so they can dogpile on the person instead of being singled out themself. it's such a negative atmosphere. am i the crazy one in this situation or am i the only sane one? sometimes i feel it's probably got to do with the fact i'm much older than them and they are still immature, but fuck me. if i didn't consider them friends, i legitimately would have knocked them on their asses right about now.[/QUOTE] Know exactly the sort. If they're incapable of cutting it out, cut them out.

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[QUOTE=mcgrath618;52867320]Oh she knows 100%, but it's difficult to not talk to him because he is dating her best friend. So I'm kind of stuck. [editline]7th November 2017[/editline] She's also tried telling me that it doesn't matter to make me feel more comfortable but to me it really does. Honestly, I don't see any other options besides either breaking up with her or continue on having panic attacks over this. I love her too much to break up with her, especially when she makes me as happy as she does. I just can't take this anxiety anymore. It also doesn't help that he's a former Facepuncher :v:[/QUOTE] Lol tell him to get in here and settle things like a Facepuncher More seriously, his attitude isn't going to change. So the solution has to come from you or your gf, and she's in a bind too in terms of ditching him. Ie you need to work out what will make you comfortable with her hanging around him when your not there. Be that she just tells you when he will be around so you can manage the anxiety or whatever. GAD makes it hard so you'll have to figure out what will work for you or what you can work on. As for him, of he is being a dick his opinion doesn't matter anymore. Your still putting weight in his opinion getting upset when he is being rude and you hang out, just ignore him too. His thoughts really don't matter given it seems like it's just jealous bullcrap and he isn't willing to talk it out with you.

[QUOTE=loopoo;52868888]done. when it comes to uni, i'm just gonna chill with other people. i'm not gonna waste my time accepting their invites out cause i've given them benefit of the doubt so many times but it's the same shit all the time. i spoke to one of them about it, saying the constant banter is tiring, and he messaged back saying "if we weren't bantering, what would we do instead, have deep meaningful chats?" and it just makes me realise he genuinely doesn't realise how shitty it can be, or he's just being a snarky asshole. dunno about you guys, but when i hang out with friends, i like being able to relax and actually talk about stuff instead of constantly taking the piss out of each other, it gets old really, really fast.[/QUOTE] It's exactly my situation with my school friends they constantly banter and belittle anyone, always, all of the time, anytime meanwhile with my university friends we can do that, but also relax, chill, talk about interests and have serious talk. It's a lot better and enjoyable

[QUOTE=loopoo;52868888]done. when it comes to uni, i'm just gonna chill with other people. i'm not gonna waste my time accepting their invites out cause i've given them benefit of the doubt so many times but it's the same shit all the time. i spoke to one of them about it, saying the constant banter is tiring, and he messaged back saying "if we weren't bantering, what would we do instead, have deep meaningful chats?" and it just makes me realise he genuinely doesn't realise how shitty it can be, or he's just being a snarky asshole. dunno about you guys, but when i hang out with friends, i like being able to relax and actually talk about stuff instead of constantly taking the piss out of each other, it gets old really, really fast.[/QUOTE] Definitely don't be afraid to branch out and try hanging out with people you never would have before. I've met a couple of really interesting people that I never thought I'd get along with. It's okay to have friends who banter, but just having that probably gets boring pretty quick.

Don't trust anyone you can't have a real conversation with tbh. They may be fun but those are the kind of "friends" who conveniently forget about you as soon as the waters turn rough.

Update on my situation: I explained to her my position. She was sympathetic at first, and cried over the fact that there are no easy solutions. Then she called me back telling me that I basically gave her an ultimatum and that was wrong of me (even though I explained to her how it wasn't). Basically, the whole thing is my fault and I need to get over it because it's not worth my time. Honestly, all this did was reinforce my thoughts that I am a huge problem and that she and everyone would be better off without me.

[QUOTE=mcgrath618;52871566]Update on my situation: I explained to her my position. She was sympathetic at first, and cried over the fact that there are no easy solutions. Then she called me back telling me that I basically gave her an ultimatum and that was wrong of me (even though I explained to her how it wasn't). Basically, the whole thing is my fault and I need to get over it because it's not worth my time. Honestly, all this did was reinforce my thoughts that I am a huge problem and that she and everyone would be better off without me.[/QUOTE] Even if you didn't explicitly give her an ultimatum, I can certainly understand where she got that idea from. Don't break up with her for her benefit, but it it is causing you this much grief and she is unwilling to do anything about it, I do think it is worth considering a break from the relationship. That is just what I would do personally.

[QUOTE=NeonpieDFTBA;52867394]I currently live in a house of 6 with friends for university, which includes one of my best friends, i.e. someone I trust implicitly to always have my back and care about me because that's how I am with him. This is something we've both actively spoken about, and we genuinely have put effort into it. 3 of my housemates, including said best friend, plus one other friend decided to secretly agree that if one other person needed a place and joins the group that they'd split the group in two along their own chosen lines (i.e. that four then the rest of us), but up until that became a thing they kept that from us, and kept the impression that they'd stick with the current house for next year, to the point that we were having house viewings as a group this morning. Come lunch, someone asked to join the group and they just posted to the group chat how things were going to work. Obviously those of us not included told them that what they were doing was fucked up, and they called it off. None of them have apologised, they've made excuses but all of them basically amount to them having to compromise and that not being acceptable. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I spend half my life trying to deal with my fears that everyone's going to leave and/or screw me over as soon as it's convinient, to the point where on average it's taken me about two hours to fall asleep over the past few weeks. I went home over the weekend and managed to sort my head out, then this happens. I don't want to lose my friends but I'm also not going to let them just act as if they weren't completely willing to stab the rest of us in the back. That means I'm left just wondering if they're going to apologise and make it up to us.[/QUOTE] Update on this, none of them have apologised, and I haven't spoken to my best friend since. I messaged him this morning to tell him to fix it but he's ignoring it. I can't understand how he can go from my best mate who spends weeks organising my birthday, who I have a holiday booked with, who I trusted completely to this fucking shit. I'm at a loss.

[QUOTE=NeonpieDFTBA;52872581]Update on this, none of them have apologised, and I haven't spoken to my best friend since. I messaged him this morning to tell him to fix it but he's ignoring it. I can't understand how he can go from my best mate who spends weeks organising my birthday, who I have a holiday booked with, who I trusted completely to this fucking shit. I'm at a loss.[/QUOTE] I went through the same shit last year, man. It was real fun finding out that 80% of the group of friends I'd had since freshman year basically just tolerated me and were just pretending to be my friend, and have most of the remaining 20% choose them over me once I was ostracized. You don't need them- trust me, it gets better.

[QUOTE=NeonpieDFTBA;52872581]Update on this, none of them have apologised, and I haven't spoken to my best friend since. I messaged him this morning to tell him to fix it but he's ignoring it. I can't understand how he can go from my best mate who spends weeks organising my birthday, who I have a holiday booked with, who I trusted completely to this fucking shit. I'm at a loss.[/QUOTE] just because someone's your best friend doesn't mean they'd necessarily enjoy living with you i've got friends who are great friends but i wouldn't want to live with them (not justifying but saying it's possible)

I miss you shania

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