Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts. - General

[QUOTE=billeh!;52907314]she wants a casual relationship. I.e. She wants to be wanted. But a girl like her won't do you no good. Nonetheless she may be a sweetheart to you, just don't expect her to change for you. She's sad inside just don't let her damage you Uh take my advice with a grain of salt... Do what you feel is right because you'll live withthat[/QUOTE] Trust me, the second I am sure (if) she is playing with me, I'm out.

Sounds to me like she desperately wants you to make a move. To quote myself, [quote]Try to imagine for a moment that you hadn't said a word to one another [since telling her][/quote] That said, you're the one in the best position to gauge it

Ok: Best Friend and I talked several weeks ago about how into her I was. We agreed it'd probably be better to just stay friends (for now) since she'd been through a break up and wasn't that into dating. Weeks pass and slowly my feelings begin to get less intense aside from occasional bouts of jealousy towards her other guy friends or just missing her when schedules didn't align. I still get these feelings but they're gradually getting less strong. I still like her but I'm not fond of the idea of sitting around wondering if she'll maybe feel the same. I've got this renewed interest in dating but I'm not sure if it's because I genuinely want to start trying to connect again or if I'm all emotionally charged up from getting so many intense emotions and want to find someone whose like her. From personal experience would you say its better to go out and try to meet people or wait a little longer until my head is more clear and go from there?

[QUOTE=Archimedes;52907760]Ok: Best Friend and I talked several weeks ago about how into her I was. We agreed it'd probably be better to just stay friends (for now) since she'd been through a break up and wasn't that into dating. Weeks pass and slowly my feelings begin to get less intense aside from occasional bouts of jealousy towards her other guy friends or just missing her when schedules didn't align. I still get these feelings but they're gradually getting less strong. I still like her but I'm not fond of the idea of sitting around wondering if she'll maybe feel the same. I've got this renewed interest in dating but I'm not sure if it's because I genuinely want to start trying to connect again or if I'm all emotionally charged up from getting so many intense emotions and want to find someone whose like her. From personal experience would you say its better to go out and try to meet people or wait a little longer until my head is more clear and go from there?[/QUOTE] When she said that it would be "best to stay friends for now" she was basically saying "I don't want to date you" and trying to say it in a way that doesn't hurt your feelings. The fact that you are having feelings that are getting weaker and you are interested in dating again means that you know she basically said no to you but you still want to hold on just in case, in my opinion I think you are wasting your time waiting for her as harsh as that sounds. You are better off finding someone else.

Dale and Archimedes' scenarios exemplify what I was trying to get at earlier in the thread; Maybe I'm more wrong than right about how intimate those friendships can generally be, maybe I'm wrong about how common or not absolutely plantonic friendship is, but it's undeniable that there's always potential for attraction to develop (if not a component from the get-go) - which is untrue of same-sex friendships, heterosexuality assumed - at which point what you have isn't friendship so much as romantic/sexual interest. When it's not reciprocated, it's harmful to at least one if not both parties and anyone in their shared social circles; doubly so when many will try to maintain such friendships despite obvious signs its nature has changed. This is often in the hopes they'll eventually "come around" to reciprocating romantic interest, only making themselves (at the very least) unhappy when they could be spending that energy meeting other people. When it is mutual though, it can be one of the better relationships you have cause you already know each other, but as far as my experience and anecdotal observations go, that's the exception and can be even more precarious at that. So to Archimedes I echo Clive; [quote]From personal experience would you say its better to go out and try to meet peopl[/quote] Meeting new people is pretty much [I]always[/I] a good idea - but as far as relationship prospects go, only you can determine whether giving yourself time to "cool off" is the right course of action. I say this because there's a possibility of you projecting the qualities of your friend that you desired on to them, or judging them against her rather than your actual interest in them. On the other hand, one of the best ways to move on from this could be forming relationships with other people.

It's possible sure to have a crush on your friend Doesn't mean every opposite sex friend pairing is going to crush on each other

I mean, it should go without saying that a guy and a girl can be friends without wanting to doink each other or go steady. Being socially compatible in one way doesn't mean that you're going to be compatible in all others. About half of my good friends are girls, and there's no romantic interest between us whatsoever. Additionally, some friendships may start because you're attracted to somebody, but once you get to know them more you realize that you don't work in that way, despite being good friends. One of my first girlfriends and I were a hot mess when it came to our physical/romantic relationship, but we laughed off the woes of our romantic ventures and simply became good friends. It's been a few years since we've spoken, but I'm pretty dang sure I could call her up and hang out with her and not have to worry about any monkey business from either of us lol Either way, if somebody has a big crush on a girl who doesn't feel the same, and is just hoping that if he sticks it out for long enough that she'll start to fall for him, he's living in delusion in an unhealthy situation. There's effectively no chance that this girl is one day just going to suddenly realize, "wow, I [B]do[/B] love him romantically!" On a related note, I think that trying to "become friends" with somebody before asking them out is very silly, if intentional. The [I]whole point[/I] of dating somebody is to get to know them, and that includes building a friendship. You don't need to know that you are compatible as friends before figuring out if you're compatible romantically, because you will discover both naturally over the course of dating somebody. When you meet somebody, you'll know pretty damn quickly whether you have any curiosity about them in a romantic sense, and so will they. If you have that interest in somebody, and elect to spend months building a friendship before seeing whether or not she has that interest too, you're setting yourself up for totally avoidable tension and heartache. You're nursing a one-sided crush that may or may not be reciprocated, when you could easily have nipped it in the bud by simply asking her out before you nurtured the fantasy into this big unruly thing. If you fail to address it early, it becomes that much harder to put it to rest, and that much more emotionally painful for both of you if the feelings aren't mutual, as now there is this giant elephant in the room that neither of you can ignore, putting a huge amount of strain on your friendship. Alternatively, if you act on your curiosity quickly, you can avoid all that unpleasantness. Bite the bullet, ignore the blush, and cross that bridge before falling off will hurt too bad for either of you. If she has no curiosity in being with you romantically now, she probably never will. Now you know that, and can continue your friendship without biting your nails about whether or not she's crushing on you too. That makes it easier for you, [B]and[/B] for her, because there just won't be as much at stake in terms of your friendship. You can quickly put your interest to bed, and talk to her without the weight of "what-ifs" or "does-he-stills" crushing either of you.

[QUOTE=Clive;52908003]When she said that it would be "best to stay friends for now" she was basically saying "I don't want to date you" and trying to say it in a way that doesn't hurt your feelings. The fact that you are having feelings that are getting weaker and you are interested in dating again means that you know she basically said no to you but you still want to hold on just in case, in my opinion I think you are wasting your time waiting for her as harsh as that sounds. You are better off finding someone else.[/QUOTE] I've largely felt this way and asked myself if perhaps she simply didn't want to hurt her close friend or risk loosing me like with other guys in the past. Truth is when I met her I couldn't really stand her and we became friends more over a prolonged period of time. I think I should have seen some of the signs that I was starting to feel this way but it was a fairly sudden change that I tried to keep out of my mind for a while. Thank you for the advice. I wouldn't consider it harsh, just a direct impartial answer and a good one at that.

To be honest, every single romance is different. At the end of the day, be yourself (and hopefully that yourself is a pleasant person), don't overthink stuff, and act but don't force stuff. You may date somebody and end up finding a life partner, you may end up making out with a friend when drunk and realice you had something for each other... Hell, two friends of mine were friends for 3 years before becoming a couple, and they have been together for 6 years so far! And another pair of friends-turned-couple became so due to drunken 6 AM makeout after the girl he was seeing left early and the guy she was playing coy with had second thoughts, and they have been at it for 2 years. (Said guy was a sober myself by the way, half thinking "I like her, but she is very drunk and that'd be taking advantage", and half still being bound by bittersweet memories, what-ifs, and "I fucked up"s). Yeah, don't overthink stuff when dealing with people.

Honestly I’ve been kinda coming to terms with the notion that I might never have a regular functioning romantic relationship because of my asexuality and general aversion to touch and just not being very romantic in general, and it kinda sucks but also it’s kind of relieving knowing that I don’t have to force myself into something like that for the sake of having one? It’s a weird middle ground I guess lol.

If the parties involved (in this case, you) are happy, then it is fine. No need to force things, or to do what is expected of. Just enjoy the trip. Also, the "expected" approach changes with places and times, and the actual stuff is a case by case issue, so the only proper advice is to not force others to be what you would like them to be. Don't make friends expecting to turn said friendship into a romance, but don't think romances cannot appear in the middle of a friendship. And there are countless cases of people who tried to go for a romance and ended up more comfortable as friends. Eros and Philos are different kinds of love, but they are not mutually exclusive; in fact, they compliment each other quite well. However, the friendzone doesn't exist, a friendship is not a consolation prize, trying to build a friendship just expecting it to develop into a romance (or just sex) is despicable, and manipulating your friends or romantic partners is very low. Nobody owes you romance or sex for being a good friend, or pretending to be so.

Yeah I’m really just having to deal with the familial pressure to date and get married but I’m hoping to move out of state with my best friends to kind of finally start my adult life so I’m hoping the pressure will be nonexistent by then.

So I snapchatted a girl I matched with a while ago on Tinder who goes to school an hour or so away from me. I asked if she wanted to go to a big football game with me this coming Saturday, and she said that would be dope. So I messaged her back saying awesome and gave her my number and said she should text me so I had hers. She opened the message an hour ago and I haven't heard from her yet. Hopefully she's just busy and will text me later, but I have this strange ability to get ghosted very easily so I'm always a bit worried about that.

Yeah I'm not too worried, I'm just confused at how she was excited enough to respond right away to all my initial messages and then got scared off by the suggestion of trading numbers. Oh well. I still need to find someone to go with me to this game, otherwise this ticket is gonna go unused.

I'm hosting a 7 man D&D session. Any tips?

[QUOTE=sourcegamer101;52894882]Is it cool to have a bit of a problem if the person youre with is on their phone frequently? My gut is saying that its a little shunning/vein sometimes. Dont get me wrong, everybody has times where they're on their phone a lot because of genuinely important shit or if their just naturally busy, but i just cant shake the feeling that its sort of shunning when it feels like almost all the time, even more than me. I just want to know if its a issue with me or her, or even both.[/QUOTE] I had this issue with crushes. Made them hard as fuck to talk to. Then the teacher was a royal asshole, cut off my good conversation (we were talking GTA 5 and I said was talking about how if you try to even mod it the slightest on PC it fucks up right away) to tell me "you can't be conversating in here people are studying." I take a good look around the room and their ain't nobody in the fucking area except me and her. [sp]also will this thread help us getaway from garry's recent tyranny across this magical forum?[/sp]

[QUOTE=Pascall;52909225]Honestly I’ve been kinda coming to terms with the notion that I might never have a regular functioning romantic relationship because of my asexuality and general aversion to touch and just not being very romantic in general, and it kinda sucks but also it’s kind of relieving knowing that I don’t have to force myself into something like that for the sake of having one? It’s a weird middle ground I guess lol.[/QUOTE] Being sexually compatible with somebody doesn't necessarily mean that you have an active sex life, just that you and your partner are in tune with each others' sexual needs. If you have little or no sex drive, then perhaps another asexual would be the ideal match for you? Asexuality doesn't have to be aromantic. You don't have to be alone. A friend of mine identifies similarly. From what I understand, she actually has a physical ailment that makes her quite frail, and makes sex very uncomfortable for her, so she doesn't like to be "handled." She had also resigned herself to being without a romantic partner, but stumbled into love quite unexpectedly. Her partner, too, considers himself to be asexual. Though we haven't talked about the specifics in much detail, I gather that they have a rather limited physical relationship, but still have romantic feelings for each other and want to spend their lives as partners. It may be a bit nontraditional, but it works for them, and they're happy together. I'm certainly not trying to pressure you on anything -- if you're just not interested in a romantic relationship with somebody at this point in your life, that's totally fine and acceptable. I'd just think it sad for you to feel like you [U]have[/U] to give up hope for love out of frustration that you haven't found a good fit yet. There's somebody for everybody.

I actually saw that comic the other day lol. It's pretty relatable. Romance in things like movies and books and tv shows seems so desirable but when I'm actually in a relationship where someone wants to be near me and tell me they love me and be all... gushy, I tend to withdraw and not be into it at all. And I'm not sure why. It's a weird feeling tbh ! ! ! I don't really know what to make of it honestly.

im going through it right now the worst feeling is when you get affection and kindness from them when you dont try, then when you actually start trying, they withdraw it. then it starts to feel one sided when you genuinely care about them and want to deal with their bad day, but get snappiness/negative behavior back, then they start to barely pay attention when it comes to stuff about you, unless its when they are either nitpicky or negative, and become physically/emotionally distant this is normal right?

In a bit of a weird spot, and I'm not looking for advice or anything, just need to put this out there because, while I feel a strange sense of relief, it's like something new is bottling up. This starts in August 2014. I meet a girl I'll call "G," she actually trains me at my new job. She's cute, but also about to go to school across the state, so I tell myself not to pursue. We start to hang out every time she's back home, at first because of mutual friends but later just to hang together. I start falling for her pretty hard, and I ask her out in May 2015. Turns out, she had just decided to enlist in the Navy, and would be leaving in 5 months for basic. She tells me she doesn't really want to start anything, and as a soldier I totally understand. We hang out a bunch before she leaves, and I write her a couple times at basic (after struggling to get her address from her aloof friend). I get a letter back, which was super heartwarming to read. She starts her rate training or w/e they call it in the Navy, which was the Nuc program. We messaged each other a decent amount at first, but she started drifting away. After several months go by from not hearing from her, I see a snap from a totally different place than where she had been training. Turns out, the stress of the Nuc program got to her, and she got chaptered out for depression. She moved halfway across the country to live with a guy she had met, and seemed pretty happy, so I was happy for her. We started talking again, and she admitted that she kinda cut off comms with everyone when she started to struggle, but she was getting help. We hung out every time she came back to our home state, and in May 2016 I got a short-notice call for deployement. While I was deployed, I kept in contact with her, and she went through a really bad breakup which led to her becoming more comfortable in who she is and her situation. I came home the last day of September this year, and when she came over to hang with me and my friends, we had an extended hug. I didn't really think anything of it, but my other friends thought otherwise. A week later, she's over at my place, and when she leaves I go to see her out. She totally gives me the signal and I hesitate, and eventually bitch out. The next day, she comes over again, and I don't make the same mistake twice. After that night, we hung out about once a week, and it ended in making out at the end of the night. But over the last couple weeks, I could feel her kinda pushing me away. I was terrified that me taking things slow was pushing her away, and, ever since the first night, I had wanted to ask her what we were, but either forgot or bitched out. Today, I wrote a lengthy message to her, explaining my situation. [Quote]G, I've been meaning to talk to you about this for a while now, but i'm, like, relationship-retarded, and when I'm with you in person we're always with other people or I just forget because I'm just enjoying the time I'm spending with you. What are we? This has been tearing me up inside, and I just need to know. Because I'll be up front with you on this, I want us to be a couple. And you're so awesome, you get along with my friends' (who all also like you), you're fun to be around, you're gorgeous, you have great taste in music, I hate the idea of risking pushing you away because I'm too all over you or some shit. But, and this may be paranoia, I feel like I'm pushing you away for the opposite reason; I feel like I'm being too aloof about us and too unwilling to push boundaries. It's been a long time since I was last in a relationship, and it wasn't exactly a healthy one, so I am having a hard time with this situation. If you aren't looking to be that serious, I don't want to lose you as a friend. But I don't do that middle ground, friends-with-benefits-esque relationship, I've tried. I either get too emotionally attached, or... well basically that, I always get too emotionally attached.[/quote] I hated the concept of saying this in a text, but really it was the only way to get my thoughts and feelings out clearly and avoid confusion. She replied. [Quote]I'm just not sure what I want at the moment, I've kinda been distancing myself and you've probably noticed that in the last week or so. I'm honestly so scared of losing you as a friend if we ended up not working out and that's my biggest struggle right now. Been there, done that, it really sucks[/quote] I told her that I totally understand, but that I am willing to take that risk if she ever decides she is as well. It's a huge weight lifted off my chest, because I thought it was me pushing her away, when she was actually pushing herself away. And I totally understand where she's coming from; we have a really good friendship, and I get not wanting to risk throwing that away. But i think what's kinda bottling up is frustration at life, and the way things just are. It's one of those "life isn't fair" moments that you kinda just gotta roll with and suck it up. I have very strong feelings for her, and us kissing definitely cultivated that, so it sucks that I can't really express that. But it's the hand I've been dealt, so I just have to roll with it. I spent much of the last 5 years training myself to not even consider the females around me as dateable. There was always something that I felt would get in the way of a sound relationship: an upcoming change of schools/city, military training, a deployment. And it took multiple nights for me to break that down and allow myself to feel that sort of elation to be intimate with a female, and it sucks that I finally let that go just to have it shut down. And I want to be angry at her, but I know that is totally unfair. And when I put it all in perspective, this is a dumb thing to worry about. Soldiers died while I was overseas. One of them was younger than me. And I made it back home to a nice job and a nice house with amazing friends, and I'm pissing myself over a girl who is also one of those awesome friends. Thanks for letting me vent Facepunch. I think i'll sleep a bit easier tonight.

So a girl I met some months ago via work (she's not a colleague, she just take care of the boss's aunt suffering severe dementia.) And we talk sometime after I left to other countries for work, but ever since a conversation we had, she unfriended me, but I can't really get why since I didn't say anything bad to her? The last conversation was her asking me 'did anything happen?' and I said 'no, not really' And then the next time I checked she unfriended me. I never questioned and I felt maybe its better to just leave things like this. Am I at fault? I don't think I am, but I can't really find a reason why, plus things might be awkward since she lives where she work.

[QUOTE=sourcegamer101;52911186]im going through it right now the worst feeling is when you get affection and kindness from them when you dont try, then when you actually start trying, they withdraw it. then it starts to feel one sided when you genuinely care about them and want to deal with their bad day, but get snappiness/negative behavior back, then they start to barely pay attention when it comes to stuff about you, unless its when they are either nitpicky or negative, and become physically/emotionally distant this is normal right?[/QUOTE] I've found that a lot of people are that way. There's nothing wrong with being nice for the sake of it but I hate when people act like they are your friend, take all of the advantages of that and then as you say withdraw when you are trying to further your relationship or need something from them. I think many times that behavior stems from insecurity about themselves. They are a bit like social climbers who often times live in a bubble and doesn't see the world for what it is. I tend to be overly empathetic with people but nowadays I try to distance myself as much as possible from those people without being rude. In the end they will only make you feel bad about yourself. I have this extreme case with my corridor neighbor who I started ignoring about 2 and a half month ago. Even though there is a lot of negative energy between us that can be tiring I feel way better now seeing her for the scummy bitch she is.

[QUOTE=LordCrypto;52906190]on tinder, if you don't move to a real physical date (or at least schedule one) within 72 hours, you've already lost women have more choices on tinder than men do by a lot[/QUOTE] this is not a hard and fast rule

[QUOTE=The golden;52910609]Story of my life right now, I swear. I'm largely asexual and also on the autistic spectrum and so my feelings regarding love are just a fucking mess. I can't tell head from tail when it comes to my feelings of romance(?) or friendship. I also don't like it when things get overly touchy-feely especially when I'm feeling overloaded. I'm not sure if I'm ace/aro or maybe I just haven't met the right person who can handle me properly? I have no idea. I totally understand you there in feeling like things just might not work out in your favour. It sucks. [URL="https://quinnlyn.tumblr.com/post/167413975501/ace-thinks-spacezeros-wanting-and-not"]Relatable comic.[/URL][/QUOTE] It's interesting how common this is. I am asexual too and am basically certain I have Asperger's (being assessed in February.) I really like being romantic and touching or kissing, but sex is just not something I am all that bothered by. *sigh* I need to find somebody who likes the piano music I write and woo her. :p [editline]21st November 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=killerteacup;52911613]this is not a hard and fast rule[/QUOTE] I agree. I don't really think stuff about waiting to call or not waiting is really all that important. It's a bit like pigeon superstition, where people ascribe their romantic success to arbitrary factors.

[QUOTE=maeZtro;52911478]I've found that a lot of people are that way. There's nothing wrong with being nice for the sake of it but I hate when people act like they are your friend, take all of the advantages of that and then as you say withdraw when you are trying to further your relationship or need something from them. I think many times that behavior stems from insecurity about themselves. They are a bit like social climbers who often times live in a bubble and doesn't see the world for what it is. I tend to be overly empathetic with people but nowadays I try to distance myself as much as possible from those people without being rude. In the end they will only make you feel bad about yourself. I have this extreme case with my corridor neighbor who I started ignoring about 2 and a half month ago. Even though there is a lot of negative energy between us that can be tiring I feel way better now seeing her for the scummy bitch she is.[/QUOTE] Its draining and really fucks with my emotions. I feel like im trying too hard and not getting anything back at all. I am gonna emotionally detach myself because im starting to think that it was a mistake that i caught feelings, Im still gonna try not to let any bad relationship bend or break my conscience and trust for future relationships

Is it wrong to feel that my friendships has become one sided if I'm finding people aren't taking initiative on their end to visit and contact me? I've noticed for a while that if I want to spend time with people that it's largely me who does the leg work to make it happen, suggest the idea, or visit them. Work schedules and the weather are a factor I'm sure, but it's started to become harder to ignore.

I was like that until some time ago. Friends these days frequently contact me and ask me to hang out but that's mostly because I created a really strong bond with them after many years. Honestly, my advice is continue to be the one to take initiative. The people that appreciate you will come together sooner or later.