Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts. - General

[QUOTE=Kite_shugo;51440619]I'd say it's worse when everyone thinks me and my sister are a couple if we go to the mall or something together :v: [/QUOTE] My girlfriend went to Boise for Thanksgiving with her dad, she told me everyone there asked her dad if she was his wife.

What's a good way of asking someone if they're interested in a relationship without it being really weird or awkward if they say no? I have a friend and I can't tell if there's shared feelings between us or not. I want to find the right kind of phrasing to ask her about it without it seeming like I only got to know her because I wanted to date her. I don't really have any strong feelings yet so I'm 100% ok with it staying a friendship, but I want to know if we both have an interest in dating.

An old crush has just randomly been on my mind recently, I'm really tempted to drop her a message or something and see if she wants to chat. Idk if that's a good idea.

I just want to know, when meeting people or new friends or whatever, is it best to tell them if I like weird stuff like old Hifi gear if it comes up in conversation or would it be best to hide odd interests/hobbies like that from people?

[QUOTE=Destroyox;51443446]What's a good way of asking someone if they're interested in a relationship without it being really weird or awkward if they say no? I have a friend and I can't tell if there's shared feelings between us or not. I want to find the right kind of phrasing to ask her about it without it seeming like I only got to know her because I wanted to date her. I don't really have any strong feelings yet so I'm 100% ok with it staying a friendship, but I want to know if we both have an interest in dating.[/QUOTE] 'Hi, wanna go on a date with me?' If she says yes then yay, if not she's probably mature enough to move on as friends. If not, is she really a friend you'd like to have? [editline]29th November 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=RoboChimp;51444362]I just want to know, when meeting people or new friends or whatever, is it best to tell them if I like weird stuff like old Hifi gear if it comes up in conversation or would it be best to hide odd interests/hobbies like that from people?[/QUOTE] Unless you plan on telling them about your amazing hentai collection (which you don't want to tell seeing from this post, your hobby is quite normal) you shouldn't be afraid to tell someone else about your hobbies. If they can't respect that, they're not really people you want to be friends with.

yea just dont drone on about it if theyre not really sounding all that interested always wanna be talking to someone not at them

Do you guys have any quick tips on ending conversations, either in person or online? I always feel like I get hung up talking to someone at the end of it with nothing left to say, so it just becomes awkward until usually the other person says something to end it :s:

[QUOTE=racerfan;51449373]Do you guys have any quick tips on ending conversations, either in person or online? I always feel like I get hung up talking to someone at the end of it with nothing left to say, so it just becomes awkward until usually the other person says something to end it :s:[/QUOTE] Gotta go now, talk to you later

Shit, I messed up guys. This girl I met last week friday was super into me, I got her number and we started texting a lot over the weekend. She complimented me a lot and was really sweet. Eventually she went all flirty and started sending me pictures of lingerie she wanted to buy. Now here's me being a dumbass, I had the mindset of "Okay I don't want to come across as desperate or something", so I kind of ignored her flirtiness. Honestly, I think she took it as me being totally uninterested, because now she doesn't wanna talk anymore. Fuck

[QUOTE=Lucasz;51450380]Shit, I messed up guys. This girl I met last week friday was super into me, I got her number and we started texting a lot over the weekend. She complimented me a lot and was really sweet. Eventually she went all flirty and started sending me pictures of lingerie she wanted to buy. Now here's me being a dumbass, I had the mindset of "Okay I don't want to come across as desperate or something", so I kind of ignored her flirtiness. Honestly, I think she took it as me being totally uninterested, because now she doesn't wanna talk anymore. Fuck[/QUOTE] When they get all flirty like that, I just like to ride the wave out. IMO no need to really have that mindset of not coming off desperate because they might be thinking the same. Just enjoy it.

[QUOTE=racerfan;51449373]Do you guys have any quick tips on ending conversations, either in person or online? I always feel like I get hung up talking to someone at the end of it with nothing left to say, so it just becomes awkward until usually the other person says something to end it :s:[/QUOTE] my favorite one is "but anyway..."

[QUOTE=Zareox7;51450598]When they get all flirty like that, I just like to ride the wave out. IMO no need to really have that mindset of not coming off desperate because they might be thinking the same. Just enjoy it.[/QUOTE] Thanks dude, that's good advice. I was kinda beating myself up over it the past few days. Lesson learned

Depends on your guys' conversations, but she could be playing hard to get. If she isn't really talking anymore, then I'd just let her know that you didn't want to come off as clingy or anything to her, and see how she responds if you haven't done that already. Worst comes to worst, she was already not really talking to you, so its not like you're going to ruin it further. Others might disagree with me. I wouldn't sweat it. We all have our own mistakes and blunders. It's all about learning and using it.

a friend of mine had their parents divorced. any hints on how I can support them?

I hate to sound mean but these kind of posts annoy me. come on dude youre his friend we dont know what hes like its a difficult time for him just support him the best as you can as his friend. [editline]1st December 2016[/editline] there is no by the books way to handle a divorce just be there for him

[QUOTE=da space core;51453753]a friend of mine had their parents divorced. any hints on how I can support them?[/QUOTE] As someone whose parents divorced at 16, you don't really have to do anything. Just do your best to try to help them get their mind off it. That's what helped me. There's not much anyone on the outside can do to help with something as personal as parents splitting up unless you have some personal experience to add. Unrelated, I recently matched up with someone on OkCupid, any advice on how to hit it off with the first message?

i need help from you people, my head and heart are a giant mess that i just can't unravel people keep telling me i need more confidence, but i don't understand what they mean. how does one get more confidence when they're a complete emotional wreck full of self-loathing? i get depressed and mad at other peoples' fortune - good looks, charisma, anything natural that is more than what i have. for example, a guy with perfectly flawless skin on his damnable face instantly and subconsciously reminds me of my own visage that's already been destroyed by acne scars, and even without that it never was anywhere near pleasantly proportioned to begin with. fucking smoothskins. it's a childish, selfish and jealous sort of hate i don't want to feel towards anyone but i can't stop it no matter how i try i can't stand being alone anymore, i still have some warmth left in me and i want to share it with someone, but i don't want to make any contact with girls, part because i feel all the attractive ones are already with someone else - all of them, all in the world - and part because the main thought that always lingers in the background is "why would someone want to even get near a wretch like this anyway, they're better off if i just stay away" it's not rejection i fear as much as something worse, being used - i was traumatized years ago by a witch who used every last drop of my naive feelings for her against me, and it's created a barrier in my mind that stands firm against any thought of attempting to approach the fairer sex without a level of caution that cripples all attempts at basic social interaction. speaking of sex, i'm a virgin 6 years overdue, which some of you may have seen me ranting about in a S.Headlines thread. i don't understand "casual" relationships at all, i can't comprehend them no matter how hard i try. someone could say i have a very naive, perhaps even conservative view of those things and i can't process the idea that many people are just sleeping around like that, like it's some pastime fun or a hobby. i've always been under the illusion that there needs to be actual romantic feelings involved. someone says they went to place X and did Y with girl Z and my brain locks up completely, it refuses to understand the data being fed to it. like trying to explaining human affection to a Terminator. and what about when the first time comes, if it ever comes? most people ('normal' people) in this country seem to start fucking like rabbits as soon as they reach the legal age of 16, or even earlier. what if i end up with someone who's experienced and it ends in a huge, empty disappointment for them? i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want anyone to be unhappy because of me. on top of that i'm a guitar player in a rock band, and although we're not in the 1970's anymore people in their ignorance still assume wild things about the supposed sex lives of rock musicians, forgetting that especially nowadays that stereotype only applies if you're also very handsome. what if they expect more than i can give because of delusions like that? it probably sounds bizarre but it really needs to be with someone i care about and who cares about me, i don't want them to just freak out if i start sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of the act. most of my school years before high school were full of bullying - almost every day my heart was hammered with the message that i'm a loser, i'm worthless, i'm ugly, that the world and everyone in it would be better off without me. i don't want to believe any of that crap, but i've started to fear there's some truth to it. i'm in college now and i can't approach people because i fear they might gang up on me like in the old days, pick the remains of my psyche apart like vultures. i hate everyone by default not only because they're all better, happier, more talented and more handsome than me, but because i can't stop seeing them all as potential enemies only waiting for me to lower my guard and i feel i can't take that risk. and it wasn't the typical jocks either, the girls were in on it too. teachers never helped with the bullying, they just pinned it all on me every time i brought it up. psychologists never helped either, their message always just boiled down to "everything is going to be okay". try seeing that with a heart so beyond broken it doesn't even know what "okay" means anymore you fucking overpaid bureaucractic piece of shit. this whole thing is also starting to take its toll on my performance at school. i don't sleep well and am often late in the morning. i isolate myself from group assignments, they seem to do just fine without me anyway. most people don't even seem to notice i'm in the same room with them, and that's a blessing and a deathly curse if any. i've also been sick way more often than usual, i feel like i'm falling apart physically. i was hoping college would be a fresh start - just like high school in a new city was supposed to be - but if before i was harassed by my peers, now i'm trapped inside all the pain that has built up in my own head. i dealt with leukemia between the ages of 2 and 6. if i knew what i'd have to waste all the years of my youth on - every single fucking year of the fucking time that's supposed to be spent making plans, getting ready for adulthood stuff, partying and loving - i would've let the cancer kill me. it's all gone, dust in the fucking wind, with nothing but empty bitterness left i can't fix the crap that's in the past, but i can better myself for the future. how do i start? needless to say i can't take this much longer

As cliche as it is, you gotta find it in yourself man. The key really is inside yourself, you have to come to terms with the past and accept that it happened and move on. I went through a lot of similar shit, and when I realized it was just holding me back I put the past behind me and learned to move on - to not let it define me. I let bullying in middle school define me throughout high school and a part of college - but since I stopped letting it define me I found my best friend in the world, because I was finally at peace and well, happy. so that's where I would start

[QUOTE=da space core;51453753]a friend of mine had their parents divorced. any hints on how I can support them?[/QUOTE] just treat them like nothing changed until they ask for for support i wouldn't want anyone to treat me any differently after my parents split

word of advice don't give a crap what people think do thing's your way if it's something you want to do. do it though I highly suggest doing things that are with in the law though can't stop you if you want to go outside of it. if you don't want to be used by other's don't trust people it's a double edge sword but for me I made few friends but the ones I did make I hold dearly. for sex life have no comment still a virgin myself and most likely going to die alone but would like to have someone love me. if you think everyone is happy around you just remember everyone had shit happen to them best thing for me to think when I start thinking how bad my life's been so far I think of the one's close to me and remember the pain they felt and think it's 10 time worse than mine. for thoughts of suidcide for my I usually just remember it's a coward's way out that or think what would be a better out come for the people I care about too see just some idiot deciding to end it all or use this worthless pathetic life of a scumbag to wait for the right time to a life of one of those happy folk who I and probably many others always wanted to be for me i want to die with a smile on my face. everyone has a different mind they see the world from a different point of view of the world but there is many of things that make us different how when were born, how we were raised, ect we were all just accidents that just happen by the lining of the stars or maybe god or god's if your one to believe in that type of thing for me i don't care what I do care about is getting a job keeping my everyday peaceful life and paying back the people I care for over all noone is perfect we're all mistakes and this is just the idiotic rambleings of crazy young man knows nothing and yet a lot of things about the world good bye for now

[QUOTE=Joazzz;51458855]i need help from you people, my head and heart are a giant mess that i just can't unravel people keep telling me i need more confidence, but i don't understand what they mean. how does one get more confidence when they're a complete emotional wreck full of self-loathing? i get depressed and mad at other peoples' fortune - good looks, charisma, anything natural that is more than what i have. for example, a guy with perfectly flawless skin on his damnable face instantly and subconsciously reminds me of my own visage that's already been destroyed by acne scars, and even without that it never was anywhere near pleasantly proportioned to begin with. fucking smoothskins. it's a childish, selfish and jealous sort of hate i don't want to feel towards anyone but i can't stop it no matter how i try i can't stand being alone anymore, i still have some warmth left in me and i want to share it with someone, but i don't want to make any contact with girls, part because i feel all the attractive ones are already with someone else - all of them, all in the world - and part because the main thought that always lingers in the background is "why would someone want to even get near a wretch like this anyway, they're better off if i just stay away" it's not rejection i fear as much as something worse, being used - i was traumatized years ago by a witch who used every last drop of my naive feelings for her against me, and it's created a barrier in my mind that stands firm against any thought of attempting to approach the fairer sex without a level of caution that cripples all attempts at basic social interaction. speaking of sex, i'm a virgin 6 years overdue, which some of you may have seen me ranting about in a S.Headlines thread. i don't understand "casual" relationships at all, i can't comprehend them no matter how hard i try. someone could say i have a very naive, perhaps even conservative view of those things and i can't process the idea that many people are just sleeping around like that, like it's some pastime fun or a hobby. i've always been under the illusion that there needs to be actual romantic feelings involved. someone says they went to place X and did Y with girl Z and my brain locks up completely, it refuses to understand the data being fed to it. like trying to explaining human affection to a Terminator. and what about when the first time comes, if it ever comes? most people ('normal' people) in this country seem to start fucking like rabbits as soon as they reach the legal age of 16, or even earlier. what if i end up with someone who's experienced and it ends in a huge, empty disappointment for them? i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want anyone to be unhappy because of me. on top of that i'm a guitar player in a rock band, and although we're not in the 1970's anymore people in their ignorance still assume wild things about the supposed sex lives of rock musicians, forgetting that especially nowadays that stereotype only applies if you're also very handsome. what if they expect more than i can give because of delusions like that? it probably sounds bizarre but it really needs to be with someone i care about and who cares about me, i don't want them to just freak out if i start sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of the act. most of my school years before high school were full of bullying - almost every day my heart was hammered with the message that i'm a loser, i'm worthless, i'm ugly, that the world and everyone in it would be better off without me. i don't want to believe any of that crap, but i've started to fear there's some truth to it. i'm in college now and i can't approach people because i fear they might gang up on me like in the old days, pick the remains of my psyche apart like vultures. i hate everyone by default not only because they're all better, happier, more talented and more handsome than me, but because i can't stop seeing them all as potential enemies only waiting for me to lower my guard and i feel i can't take that risk. and it wasn't the typical jocks either, the girls were in on it too. teachers never helped with the bullying, they just pinned it all on me every time i brought it up. psychologists never helped either, their message always just boiled down to "everything is going to be okay". try seeing that with a heart so beyond broken it doesn't even know what "okay" means anymore you fucking overpaid bureaucractic piece of shit. this whole thing is also starting to take its toll on my performance at school. i don't sleep well and am often late in the morning. i isolate myself from group assignments, they seem to do just fine without me anyway. most people don't even seem to notice i'm in the same room with them, and that's a blessing and a deathly curse if any. i've also been sick way more often than usual, i feel like i'm falling apart physically. i was hoping college would be a fresh start - just like high school in a new city was supposed to be - but if before i was harassed by my peers, now i'm trapped inside all the pain that has built up in my own head. i dealt with leukemia between the ages of 2 and 6. if i knew what i'd have to waste all the years of my youth on - every single fucking year of the fucking time that's supposed to be spent making plans, getting ready for adulthood stuff, partying and loving - i would've let the cancer kill me. it's all gone, dust in the fucking wind, with nothing but empty bitterness left i can't fix the crap that's in the past, but i can better myself for the future. how do i start? needless to say i can't take this much longer[/QUOTE] I'm going to type up a semi long respond to this and I hope it helps. I'm gonna give you some very concrete and not abstract advice and I do hope you take it but if you don't think it's suitable advice for you that's okay too. Some background: I was bullied through primary school and high school pretty horribly. There were years where I didn't have any friends at primary school, but I can tell you that that was almost a good experience compared to some of the years where I did have friends. I had the sort of friends who would tell me that they were only hanging out with me because they were good people who pitied me, and that I wasn't good enough for friends so I should be thankful to them for hanging out with me. When I was 12 one time, just after I finished primary school I got invited over to my best friends house. They played hide and seek and decided to make me the seeker - but then refused to be 'caught' when I found them. The game lasted for over an hour. He lived in a small house and I 'found' them hanging out and chatting around 10 times before they'd scatter. They wanted me around so they could make clear to me how much they didn't want me around. Another time when I was 11 they invented a game of handball where if the person who was coming last lost a game, they had to move a meter away and play from there. I sucked at handball and ended up standing alone about 15 meters away from them, crying my eyes out and they were just stood there, laughing at me. To this day it has had a solidly negative effect on the way I deal with people. Anyone too confident, too attractive or not outwardly insecure or mentally ill in some way were people I didn't feel safe around. At the same time I desperately wanted their approval as well as hating them and that continues to this day. It's led to me being mentally ill. In Australia we have a test for depression & anxiety and stress that you take to see if you qualify for ten visits to a psychologist paid for by the government. It gives you a score out of 50 to rate the 'severity' of your depression. In July I was rated a 42/50. In any university situation that's a fucking good grade but a healthy, normal person wouldn't score above a 10. 42/50 is extremely severe and suicidal. I started seeing a psychologist after that. It seems to me like you're going through something similar to me. I even play guitar as well haha. So my advice is as follows: [B]Start seeing a psychologist again:[/B] I can't stress this enough. Maybe even consider taking anti-depressants to help you get in a position to address your problems. But you [B]need to be aware of one thing when you see a psychologist[/B] - they are not going to fix your problems for you. What a psychologist does is assist you in the process of methodically addressing your issues. If you go in and talk to a psychologist about how everything is crap in your life, you're not really giving them anything to work with - so all they can say is that everything is going to be okay. You need to go in there, and attempt to rationally address your issues and the effects these issues are having on your life. Think of it like a treatment plan for an actual illness that you develop with a doctor. Like a methodical endeavour, and not an emotional one. I need to stress that this really sounds like something you should do again. You seem to have developed from experience a few ideas about life that aren't going to help you get better and a psychologist can help you work through that. Find the right one and develop a treatment plan with them. If you don't find it satisfactory, [I]find another one.[/I] [B]If you don't want to see a psychologist[/B] As a first step, I'd take the attitude that my thoughts aren't facts. They're associations made in my brain and they're not real or tangible. I'd start to write the negative ones down as I recognise them and for each negative thought I'd write down, I'd try to rationally find evidence for why those thoughts are true, or why they might not be true. If there's not enough concrete, physical evidence that has happened [I]recently[/I] to back up those thoughts, I would mark them as unhelpful and take note of that for any time I have similar thoughts in the future. Secondly, in social situations, or around college, I'd try to recognise when I'm making assumptions about the people around me - things like whether or not they'd want to hang out with me, if they think I'm attractive, etc. Write down the evidence again. Any time you compare yourself to someone else, dismiss that as well. It's not a healthy thing to do Essentially what I'm saying is that in your situation I'd be making a lot of effort to separate my emotions and deal with them rationally. When I do that, it gives them less power over me. I've found that to really help. Maybe its worth trying for you? just to reiterate though I'm no psychologist myself and I think that the right one would do wonders

I’m in a situation where I don’t really know to do, I can’t seem to get a firm grasp on rationale when it comes to this, so I would really appreciate your help/advice/perspective. Simply put, it’s a girl problem. I’m not sure how to explain it neatly, so I’ll just walk through what happened. Start of senior year in high school, 16 year old me just severed almost everything in my right thumb, drank an extremely amount of soda to the point of causing anxiety, and I began accutane and it messed up my emotions big time. I don’t want to place blame on these things, just to help explain why I was such a mess mentally at the time. First half of the year I would sit with my good friend in the library during all of our lunch breaks, and a few days in I saw a girl that I didn’t recognize from school sitting by herself day after day. I think she’s cute so I worked up the courage to go and talk to her. This is the first time I’ve ever approached a girl with romantic interests, normally I wouldn’t do it out of being too shy, but with the accutane and my thumb trauma combined I developed a sort of “fuck it” attitude. It went well despite me almost starting to shake in front of her, and I end the conversation politely when I sensed it would get awkward soon. Over the next few days, we start meeting in the library more often, I learn more about her, that she’s a freshmen, she’s military, artsy but shy type, and that this year was her last year in Hawaii. My feelings developed from her just being a cute girl to thinking about her day in day out. Instead of skipping school 2-3 times a week, I wanted to skip the weekends. It was obvious to both of us that we had an interest in eachother. But then I didn’t know where to go with it, and I end up panicking on the inside. The next week comes, and she goes to her secluded table in the library across from mine as normal, waiting for me to go up and sit with her. But my mind and confidence is breaking down at this point. I just sit there thinking about it having an anxiety attack to the point where I get light headed. After about 20 minutes she gets up and walks past my table to the door, and as she walks past she looks at me with an expression of being sad and abandoned. I felt like shit then and remembering it now I still feel like shit for essentially shunning her. Later in the year I grew some popularity, so her freshmen friends start to know of me and like me, and I become friends with them. So the library girl and I start sitting in the same group outside of the library but not really talking to each other so much. This is where my first fuck up happens. I ask her to a movie, she gives me her number to call her that night to confirm. On the phone my voice comes off as an older man. The movie got out late and I couldn’t drive at the time, so I offered her to stay at my place, and my parents weren’t home. Naive island boy I was, I didn’t realize this translated to sex to her and her 25 year vet father. So of course the next day she tells me she can’t come, family is in town. I text her back, cool no worries. But then the next day I fuck up big time and take someone’s advice of texting a blank “What’s up” at around 11am. Instantly regret it, and of course no response. Her friends tell me that she thought I was going to rape her. Second fuck up was, I asked her to her freshmen banquet, and it was extremely awkward. She tells me she can’t go. It’s now the second half of the school year, senior prom and valentine’s day is coming up, so I plan to ask her to prom the friday before valentine’s weekend because I still really liked this girl. Friday before valentine’s weekend I come with flowers and plan to ask her, but again I lose my nerve and don’t. Over the weekend I work up the nerve again after seeing she got a much bigger bouquet. I write her a song asking her to prom, and sing it to her on monday. She tells me no but I was expecting a no, so I take it like a champ and we walk our separate ways to class. Apparently the friday before one of her friends asked her to be his girlfriend. Her friends told me she said yes out of pity, but he dumped her by the end of the week. At this point I developed a “what have I got to lose attitude”, and decide to just tell her straight up how I feel. So I ask her if she and I can talk alone and she agrees to meet with me. I express my feelings, that she’s a “beautiful, lovely girl”, and that she “deserved to know”. I walked away. In retrospect I wish I just tried to turn our relationship a platonic friendship there. It’s the end of the year, and we end up being on the same field trip together, with the same friends on the same bus. So for the field trip we end up sitting together and hanging out, and despite all my fuck ups beforehand we hit it off like we did when we first met, even with things like prom not being awkward to talk about at all. And after all my awkward screw ups, throughout the year it was still blatant that we had feelings for each other, teenage rubbish like glancing at each other when we aren’t looking, etc. Last day, the library girl is getting ready to move to California, and I’m stuck in graduation rehearsal every day after this one. Predictably I lose my nerve once more, and don’t say a single word to her on her last day of school, even when I saw her wandering around me all alone. I was quite the coward back then. Few hours after school I text her, some awkward message to send her off, and I assure her that she won’t have to worry about me bothering her anymore with out of the blue texts (Sincerely I hope, I didn’t mean any bitterness in the message). A months or 2 later I find myself at a community service event back on campus, and her old friends are there. I talk to them about the situation and they told me that the library girl didn't want to get attached, with her moving and all. Should have been obvious to me but it just didn't come to mind. Fast forward to now, about a year and a half later. I’ve been trying to get over her but it’s hard, I feel like I need that closure. I’m not bitter about the situation, never was, and I still like her as a person. I have dreams where it’s not about us getting together, just me patching things up, becoming friends again. I’ve enlisted in the military and I’ve been coming to grips with the possibility I could bite the big one sometime in the next 4 years. I ship out for boot camp on the 9th of January, and diminishing some of that bad blood I made her feel, telling her it was never about sex, that I never wanted to scare her, making things right is one of the few things I want to do just in case things do go south in the military. I’ve been seeing her pop up on my instagram on facebook, I’m starting to contemplate whether I should send her a message or not, clearing things up. I’ve been off the accutane since April, and clean of caffeine since May, and overall I think my mind is in a much better state. But I don’t trust myself with this, I don’t know what to do, should I do anything at all, I’m tunnel visioned. So I’m asking for your advice facepunch. Many thanks in advance. Sorry it's so long, I trimmed it down to about half the length.

[QUOTE=Joazzz;51458855]i need help from you people, my head and heart are a giant mess that i just can't unravel people keep telling me i need more confidence, but i don't understand what they mean. how does one get more confidence when they're a complete emotional wreck full of self-loathing?[/quote] A few things to try: Identify what you dislike, if its out of your control then accept it, if its in your control then change it. It's really important to learn how to accept stuff out of your control, not in an apathetic "i dont care anymore" sort of way but in a "these are the rules of the game I'm playing, I'ma make it work". Focus on your achievements rather than perceived failures (sadly our culture obsesses over success rather than celebrating failure for what it is, a learning experience or as part of the process one must undertake to have success) Fake it till you make it - I learnt this from american football, pretend you can take any hit they can throw at you and take on any guy going against you and it tends to work out. It works in social situations also. You might feel wretched, insecure, small, worthless and like everything is going wrong but if you go out smile, tell jokes, take risks, cheer people up, dance, sing, play cards, smile and say hi to strangers and talk to people then that will become the reality, you'll forget about the anxiety and build up positive momentum, you make it. [quote] i get depressed and mad at other peoples' fortune - good looks, charisma, anything natural that is more than what i have. for example, a guy with perfectly flawless skin on his damnable face instantly and subconsciously reminds me of my own visage that's already been destroyed by acne scars, and even without that it never was anywhere near pleasantly proportioned to begin with. fucking smoothskins. it's a childish, selfish and jealous sort of hate i don't want to feel towards anyone but i can't stop it no matter how i try i can't stand being alone anymore, i still have some warmth left in me and i want to share it with someone, but i don't want to make any contact with girls, part because i feel all the attractive ones are already with someone else - all of them, all in the world - [/quote] Looks seem to matter lots to you from these 2 paragraphs, seems to be very much about the negative image you hold of yourself. This is out of your control btw and looks don't matter that much, first impressions and seeing people for meeting them but personality matters MUCH more for actually closing the deal. Your feelings about your looks are more damaging than the looks themselves. Also consider the following, a tall, good looking, rich but insecure guy. He will always feel too short, too ugly and too poor, it will never be enough. Get out of the mindset of "if I was this I would be good enough" and adopt something more like "I am what I need to be, I am good enough". Easy to say, hard to practice but its legit. [quote]and part because the main thought that always lingers in the background is "why would someone want to even get near a wretch like this anyway, they're better off if i just stay away"[/quote] I get this as well, I always feel like there's a more fun, more interesting person nearby. Best thing to do is tell yourself that you're lying to yourself, you are infact good enough and just dive in. Have fun, chat shit, make jokes, be loud and funny and friendly - you'll feel better about yourself and people will see you having genuine fun and perhaps girls will see you above the other guys. You're conditioned most of your life to be quiet and meek and reserved, fuck all that you got 1 life, make the most of it, if it upsets people then perhaps they're stuck following that same shitty ruleset and are trying to shame you to bring you down to their level. [quote] it's not rejection i fear as much as something worse, being used - i was traumatized years ago by a witch who used every last drop of my naive feelings for her against me, and it's created a barrier in my mind that stands firm against any thought of attempting to approach the fairer sex without a level of caution that cripples all attempts at basic social interaction.[/quote] Take it slow then and have fun, don't get invested in a girl, don't let anybody have power over you. Once you feel confident and strong you can start to invest yourself again, this time you'll be safer form that because you won't fear the loss, you'll be immune to abuse because if anyone tries it you'll respect yourself enough to leave them and find yourself a better deal. [quote] speaking of sex, i'm a virgin 6 years overdue, which some of you may have seen me ranting about in a S.Headlines thread.[/quote] I remember that thread, was going to pm you but didn't know what to say to ease your mind I lost mine pretty late, years after all my mates did. In 1st year of uni people would play those truth or dare games and talk about sex and I'd feel absolutely rotten, like a freak because I thought I was weird for not having any. Its probably not the sex you are worried about, more the social "stigma". I got a few mates who are virgins and 1 of my mates got married recently, he was a virgin at 25, she at 26. It will happen eventually. Also don't fall into the trap of thinking everyone else is fucking, they're probably not. I see on the "girlfriend and sex advice" thread loads of people having sex and I get all anxious like "I'm not getting any, whats up with me?" but realise that you only see the successes and not the failures. Nobody is going to post saying "I've not had sex in 2 months" "I've not had sex in 2 years" "I've never had sex" People don't talk about being in a sexless relationship (me a few months back). Again its the find where we focus only on the good and imagine it in a vaccum, forgetting all the lesson and struggles which were made to get there. [quote] i don't understand "casual" relationships at all, i can't comprehend them no matter how hard i try. someone could say i have a very naive, perhaps even conservative view of those things and i can't process the idea that many people are just sleeping around like that, like it's some pastime fun or a hobby. i've always been under the illusion that there needs to be actual romantic feelings involved. someone says they went to place X and did Y with girl Z and my brain locks up completely, it refuses to understand the data being fed to it. like trying to explaining human affection to a Terminator.[/quote] Don't feel weird about not getting it. I tried to have one but ended up getting feelings for the girl and decided to pull back a little. It's hard to decouple sex and feelings and infact I'd say the norm is associating sex and feelings. The hormones give you those feelings and sex gives you those hormones. You could try an experiment, talk and flirt with a few different girls (dont mislead them though imo) and see how you feel about it, it helps reduce the feelings/neediness/love/obsession and imo helps you remain cooler about stuff. Like you enjoy it because you're not worried about the future because you got a load of options, because you enjoy the moment everything goes better. [quote] and what about when the first time comes, if it ever comes? most people ('normal' people) in this country seem to start fucking like rabbits as soon as they reach the legal age of 16, or even earlier. what if i end up with someone who's experienced and it ends in a huge, empty disappointment for them? i don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want anyone to be unhappy because of me.[/quote] Covered this a lil above, the "everybody is fucking" thing. One extra thing, its rare to be good at sex, most guys aren't good at sex. You can be good at sex by giving foreplay, wont go much into it here since it seems inappropriate but you don't need to last long if shes close to cumming, then the anxiety about doing well goes away and everyone is having a good time. [quote] on top of that i'm a guitar player in a rock band, and although we're not in the 1970's anymore people in their ignorance still assume wild things about the supposed sex lives of rock musicians, forgetting that especially nowadays that stereotype only applies if you're also very handsome. what if they expect more than i can give because of delusions like that? it probably sounds bizarre but it really needs to be with someone i care about and who cares about me, i don't want them to just freak out if i start sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of the act.[/quote] Dont worry about what people think, if you're not what she expected then a surprise can still be a good thing. If she likes you, she likes you for you, not because she thinks you slept with loads of girls - that might even be off putting, people don't really want to be another notch on a bedpost. [quote]most of my school years before high school were full of bullying - almost every day my heart was hammered with the message that i'm a loser, i'm worthless, i'm ugly, that the world and everyone in it would be better off without me. i don't want to believe any of that crap, but i've started to fear there's some truth to it.[/quote] I got bullied and it made me have speech problems which I still struggle with. Those losers in school bullied you and put you down because thats their way of feeling better. They have nothing substantial so they seek to knock down others and build their status from that. [quote] i'm in college now and i can't approach people because i fear they might gang up on me like in the old days, pick the remains of my psyche apart like vultures. i hate everyone by default not only because they're all better, happier, more talented and more handsome than me, but because i can't stop seeing them all as potential enemies only waiting for me to lower my guard and i feel i can't take that risk.[/quote] Its sad that bullying damages your faith in humanity like this, most people aren't bad. Don't let those dicks control you. Remember that what they did is their fault, not your fault and the older people get the less that happens. Can still happen but you've nothing to lose by challenging them [quote] and it wasn't the typical jocks either, the girls were in on it too.[/quote] girls are the worst for it. Look at internet trolls and bullies in work place. Often women. Men and Women are as good and as bad as each other. The good news is those people have grown up, they've found themselves and won't seek to build themselves up by putting others down. Some of the girls who are assholes in school I met recently, now they're lovely and friendly and it was a pleasure to meet them again tbh. Forgive them for their stupidity and ignorance and weakness. Since you're at uni now, consider joining a club to get to know good people with common interests, that gives you a support group, then if you go out with them you can approach and talk to new people, safe in the knowledge that there are friends nearby. Go up to people say, I'm _____, what course do you do? If it works then you got a convo if it doesn't (they're focussed on something else or convo dies off) then you're ite, try to have fun from it or say silly shit so if it goes well you're having fun, if it goes bad then you can walk away laughing at it. [quote] teachers never helped with the bullying, they just pinned it all on me every time i brought it up. psychologists never helped either, their message always just boiled down to "everything is going to be okay". try seeing that with a heart so beyond broken it doesn't even know what "okay" means anymore you fucking overpaid bureaucractic piece of shit.[/quote] If they're shit then its out of your control [quote]this whole thing is also starting to take its toll on my performance at school. i don't sleep well and am often late in the morning. i isolate myself from group assignments, they seem to do just fine without me anyway. most people don't even seem to notice i'm in the same room with them, and that's a blessing and a deathly curse if any. i've also been sick way more often than usual, i feel like i'm falling apart physically. i was hoping college would be a fresh start - just like high school in a new city was supposed to be - but if before i was harassed by my peers, now i'm trapped inside all the pain that has built up in my own head.[/quote] Talking about this stuff can help take the pressure off, uni/college is a fresh start for everyone, you still have that start, you can still join clubs and talk to people. The feeling sick is probs from the anxiety and constant worry, the imagining a scenario then imaginging the worse possible thing to come from it and focussing on it. Practice mindfulness get your creativity under control, don't let your mind run away with itself. [quote] i dealt with leukemia between the ages of 2 and 6. if i knew what i'd have to waste all the years of my youth on - every single fucking year of the fucking time that's supposed to be spent making plans, getting ready for adulthood stuff, partying and loving - i would've let the cancer kill me. it's all gone, dust in the fucking wind, with nothing but empty bitterness left[/quote] you're a survivor man if you can do cancer then you can do life, just need to work on a few tricks to make it easier [quote] i can't fix the crap that's in the past, but i can better myself for the future. how do i start? needless to say i can't take this much longer[/QUOTE] Sorry for ramble and didn't mean to go so off topic. If you got any questions about stuff pm or reply and stuff. I hope you start feeling better about life asap mate

I need advice how the fuck do I realistically deal with envy? As in without saying "ah you are valuable, find things that make you happy, focus on your passions" and other crap I'm unable to do because I don't think cutting every person out of my life is a real solution

[QUOTE=SebiWarrior;51462272]I need advice how the fuck do I realistically deal with envy? As in without saying "ah you are valuable, find things that make you happy, focus on your passions" and other crap I'm unable to do because I don't think cutting every person out of my life is a real solution[/QUOTE] Dismissing the usual advice in such an offhanded and pessimistic manner kind of outlines what your problem is- you don't think you're able to do any of those things that other people do to overcome it. Envy is largely sourced from insecurity and unhappiness with one's self. The only way to overcome this kind of envy is to appreciate what you've already got in your life- and if you can't do that, get new things to appreciate.

its a nice feeling knowing theres someone that cares about you. i feel the happiest i ever felt when im with her,

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Last day of the semester was Thursday, I got into my communications class (easy credits woo) a little early and sat down on one end of the room, two girls sitting in front of me, everyone is just sitting quietly. There's a dude on the other end of the class in the front row sitting alone, when a blonde sorority girl walks in and sits in the back. He immediately turns around and goes "hey, this is gonna sound weird but..", my ears immediately perk up. "This is gonna sound weird, but you're gonna be suuuch a hot mom, haha". She starts awkwardly laughing and going "uh.. ha thanks.." and at this point the two girls in front of me turn around and we're all just kind of grinning at each other like, I can't believe we're witnessing this. The guy goes on for like 5 minutes about how she's going to be such a hot mom and even says, "you're gonna be that mom where like, your kids bring their friends over and your kids friends are all like 'dude your mom is so hot!' haha". It was absolutely brutal dude. His voice trailed off saying "anyway yeah i mean you're young and beautiful and stuff so yeah haha.." and then he transitioned into a really forced conversation about virtual reality of all things. I was kind of tempted to butt in since I'm obsessed with VR but I didn't want to ruin his perfect game. Just thought it was funny enough to share.

[QUOTE=srobins;51468175]Last day of the semester was Thursday, I got into my communications class (easy credits woo) a little early and sat down on one end of the room, two girls sitting in front of me, everyone is just sitting quietly. There's a dude on the other end of the class in the front row sitting alone, when a blonde sorority girl walks in and sits in the back. He immediately turns around and goes "hey, this is gonna sound weird but..", my ears immediately perk up. "This is gonna sound weird, but you're gonna be suuuch a hot mom, haha". She starts awkwardly laughing and going "uh.. ha thanks.." and at this point the two girls in front of me turn around and we're all just kind of grinning at each other like, I can't believe we're witnessing this. The guy goes on for like 5 minutes about how she's going to be such a hot mom and even says, "you're gonna be that mom where like, your kids bring their friends over and your kids friends are all like 'dude your mom is so hot!' haha". It was absolutely brutal dude. His voice trailed off saying "anyway yeah i mean you're young and beautiful and stuff so yeah haha.." and then he transitioned into a really forced conversation about virtual reality of all things. I was kind of tempted to butt in since I'm obsessed with VR but I didn't want to ruin his perfect game. Just thought it was funny enough to share.[/QUOTE] holy fuck dude.

[QUOTE=srobins;51468175]Last day of the semester was Thursday, I got into my communications class (easy credits woo) a little early and sat down on one end of the room, two girls sitting in front of me, everyone is just sitting quietly. There's a dude on the other end of the class in the front row sitting alone, when a blonde sorority girl walks in and sits in the back. He immediately turns around and goes "hey, this is gonna sound weird but..", my ears immediately perk up. "This is gonna sound weird, but you're gonna be suuuch a hot mom, haha". She starts awkwardly laughing and going "uh.. ha thanks.." and at this point the two girls in front of me turn around and we're all just kind of grinning at each other like, I can't believe we're witnessing this. The guy goes on for like 5 minutes about how she's going to be such a hot mom and even says, "you're gonna be that mom where like, your kids bring their friends over and your kids friends are all like 'dude your mom is so hot!' haha". It was absolutely brutal dude. His voice trailed off saying "anyway yeah i mean you're young and beautiful and stuff so yeah haha.." and then he transitioned into a really forced conversation about virtual reality of all things. I was kind of tempted to butt in since I'm obsessed with VR but I didn't want to ruin his perfect game. Just thought it was funny enough to share.[/QUOTE] What goes through someone's head to make them think that telling a girl she's real MILF material when she's older is going to get them laid?