Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts. - General

[QUOTE=riku2211;51915823]coat tailing off my previous post. Does anyone have some good advice for letting go of a past long term relationship? The entire time she's been with someone else I've been fighting myself insanely hard to get past it and accept it, but there's some part of my brain that can't seem to... comprehend it. I don't really know how to explain it. I mean right now I can't go to sleep because she's staying the night with him, and all I can think about is where she is right now, in his bed with him, like she used to sleep with me. How can she do that with another person? I know it's so commonplace among normal human beings to have multiple partners over time but I can't accept that she's with someone else no matter how hard I try. I feel so lonely and it seriously hurts thinking about her with him, and I can't not think about it. I can't get a date myself, I don't have many if any friends besides those online, I have no hobbies other than video gaming which my depression makes really lackluster, I can't figure out any other hobbies I could possibly take up, I can't distract myself. So if I could just accept it and stop hurting over it I could at least make it to the next phase of my life that isn't hot garbage without feeling the constant need to off myself. So, what else can I do to get past this? It's been almost half a year now and I can't get over her. I still really, really love her. Granted living with her isn't helping but I feel like it's hold over me is still greater than it should be. I'm literally losing my sanity over this, it's so hopeless and frustrating and I wish something else would come already. I don't think I'm reacting to this like a normal person and I don't know how to change that. She's the only girl I've ever been with and I had an insanely deep bond with her, one that maybe was deeper on my end, but it was still a VERY serious bond to me. Everything we did together was special in my mind and I can't comprehend that she's doing those things with someone else. What do I do? I need to at least get by for a bit while I move out. Speaking of, it's hard to even pull the trigger and sign another lease because I can't stand the fact I'm moving away from her.[/QUOTE] I used to think about that a lot too and it really bothered me. You really just can't think about her being in bed with someone else. I went through a thing where I missed my ex a little while ago but I realised I really don't want to be with her. Wish I could give better advice but maybe you will meet someone else one day who gives you that same feeling your ex did

[QUOTE=riku2211;51917162] -[/QUOTE] I'm big into sports, and it has helped me in being disciplined and taught me how to handle emotional situations. (I know a lot of "extreme-sports" athletes, or whatever you want to call them experience the same effect.) Bad track record or not, you're going to need to build that emotional strength up, step-by-step. It doesn't matter if there's hardly any, just means you got more to gain. Just think about how proud you can be of yourself once you get that ball rolling. Start small and exercise a bit (Think stretches and maybe some light running). Also, improve your diet bit by bit and you will start to see results. Relating to both exercise and diet, please take your time, there's no need to rush. You'll probably notice yourself reacting like "whoa, how come I didn't do this before?". That's a normal reaction. Just means you're not used to feeling good. Go and join a sports club after you've been doing this for like a month and enjoy yourself. Get to know the people there and get invested in the sport you choose. See yourself improve and you'll get confidence, and eventually those aspirations and ambitions will start to come through.

[QUOTE=Eriorguez;51917340]The reward system of the brain is lacking the chemical that makes you feel good, and thus you either feel bad or indifferent. Remember that, when you are feeling down, that the issue is that. Just like running out of ink for a printer will make the things you print different from what they should, running short of some NTs will make your mental picture (and thus your subjective reality) look different from what it is.[/QUOTE] So how can we fix this imbalance and get this chemical to work? I really want it to work

Well I had a fun weekene and something new nearly losing my life. 1) went to friends party on Friday 5th of March) 2) Ended yo gettinto ino conflict at fight and leaving, on way home - got ht by speeding car. Ended up having shattered shoulder, two riright ribgs fractured , losing (2 units of Blood) woke up on on bed at home, police all over news, phone coniscated by cops and other consequences... What's learned: nothing, dont overdose on acohol and then go and close your blood. What's gained: Nothing, I missed my holiday which I am hoping to reclaim for. I bet if there was drugs involvd - I would've not srvived it. Also: spent most of time waiting in fucking ER with bunch of people, it was hot, boring and literally thought ho o kill myself without Medics stopping me.

[QUOTE=arleitiss;51917871]Well I had a fun weekene and something new nearly losing my life. 1) went to friends party on Friday 5th of March) 2) Ended yo gettinto ino conflict at fight and leaving, [B]on way home - got ht by speeding car.[/B] Ended up having shattered shoulder, two riright ribgs fractured , losing (2 units of Blood) [B]woke up on on bed at home, police all over news, phone coniscated by cops and other consequences...[/B] What's learned: nothing, dont overdose on acohol and then go and close your blood. What's gained: Nothing, I missed my holiday which I am hoping to reclaim for. I bet if there was drugs involvd - I would've not srvived it. Also: spent most of time waiting in fucking ER with bunch of people, it was hot, boring and literally thought ho o kill myself without Medics stopping me.[/QUOTE] Were you driving hammered?

[QUOTE=plunger435;51917988]Were you driving hammered?[/QUOTE] I wasn't , I was getting a lift man. I view stuff I write few hours later - and there is 0 proof reading, did I really go that brain damaged?

[QUOTE=HumbleTH;51913891]It happens quite a bit already, I can maybe recall one special occasion that our plans actually worked out.. She's at her grandparent's house today and just told me that she felt bad telling them she was going to talk to me. I have no idea how to react, I'm just angry now. I don't know if I still want to go. That's what I told her. What should I do?[/QUOTE] An update on this situation. We talked a bit more today and I just feel numb. I don't feel that same spark I used to before, I don't feel anything anymore. I can understand her feeling bad for taking time away from her grandparents to talk to me - her parent's gave her quite a lot of shit for spending more time with me over winter break - and I'd feel weird about it too. On the other hand, I've really been expecting to do something big and have been dropping hints ever since January and using what I imagined we would do as a thing to look forward to when other occasions didn't work out. We decided on skyping tomorrow and I hope that could at least bring some feelings back or at least let me decide if going is even worth it now. What do you guys think?

Sorry for posting my own shit so much but this is a better outlet for me than my other options. And the input is helpful... at the very least I have some plans for when I move out to potentially improve, though whether or not I can pull it off is up in the air. But, for now I'm still having so much trouble with my ex. All day my chest has felt tight and I half this very vague, very slight lump in my throat. I've had a lot of days like this and it's overwhelming and tiring. I just don't feel right about any of this at all, it feels so wrong, my ex being with someone else. I feel like I'm going to explode and can't help but feel the need to say something to her or text her but I'm doing everything I can not to. It just feels like this is NOT the way things were supposed to go. And the weird part is, while I do still love her, I don't entirely think she and I would work out well if we got back together right now. But I still REALLY want it. I think it'd be better than before, and we could improve, but I still think we need time apart and we need to learn more and gain more experience to ever have a chance of being together successfully. Despite knowing that us being in a relationship again wouldn't be good (nor is it even an option but I'm just thinking about how I feel) for either of us, I STILL feel like this, and I STILL want to say something to her. It doesn't even make sense. What is up with this? Edit: It feels weird asking these questions even though I've been feeling this for a half year and it feels like it's been more than a year.

You need distance. Move out. [QUOTE=riku2211;51919243]Despite knowing that us being in a relationship again wouldn't be good (nor is it even an option but I'm just thinking about how I feel) for either of us, I STILL feel like this, and I STILL want to say something to her. It doesn't even make sense. What is up with this?[/QUOTE] Yeah, it's a weird and ridiculous feeling, I know it well. Think of it as a learning experience in redirecting your mental energy into the other things that make your life fulfilling. Reading what you're writing reminds a lot of how I felt a while ago. I once dated a girl for about 3.5 years who I thought was "the one" before she dumped me. It was really hard getting over it, and it honestly took years, but I'm much happier with the person I am now. I remember all of the pain and confusion I felt during that time, like there was something I just wasn't getting, like there was some "trick" to moving on that I was missing. The fact is I just needed (a lot of) time to grow up some more. Life is long and full of opportunities. Chances are that looking back on all of this years later your biggest regret is going to be how much time you wasted fretting over it. I know that the fretting is unavoidable (I've lived it), but just keep it in perspective.

Im gonna try and finalize that massive wall of text I left on the last page, and but it as bluntly as I can. I'm alone, alone to the point of nausea and physical discomfort. I've held off the drugs because I'm grasping onto what little sense of direction I have. I have to skip through sex scenes, intimate scenes, because I get this intense feeling in the pit of my chest, like its getting blown open. Then I feel this catatonic shit, like no matter how good my day went, it can be unraveled by something as innocuous someone making out in the vicinity of me. Now it's not like it destroys me, to the point of tears or anything. But I start feeling really lost, start analyzing every small choice I made, then I distract myself. It wouldn't be so detrimental if it wasn't happening on such a frequent basis. But I ride an emotional roller-coaster every-time I see a beautiful woman... rapidly changing from suicidal pessimism and extreme optimism, confusion. I don't see this as an appropriate response to attraction, so when I notice myself feeling this way, the self loathing kicks into overdrive. It can really ruin the way I preform at work and my vibe just changes for the worse.. [editline]5th March 2017[/editline] I don't know whats keeping me from trying to meet women, maybe it's the thought I put in my head that I'm undesirable. Maybe its true, maybe the only women that will want my attention are the ones I wouldn't want to personally date.. Maybe I'll get what I hope for, maybe this year, maybe 5 years from now, maybe in a new city..

[QUOTE=Kel|oggs;51919751] I don't know whats keeping me from trying to meet women, maybe it's the thought I put in my head that I'm undesirable. Maybe its true, maybe the only women that will want my attention are the ones I wouldn't want to personally date.. Maybe I'll get what I hope for, maybe this year, maybe 5 years from now, maybe in a new city..[/QUOTE] A long time ago, I was in a similar, nay...exactly the same position as you. The one biggest way I've found to channel those feelings is in self-improvement. It could be exercise, working on a hobby, anything. If I couldn't love myself or was dissatisfied with aspects of my life that I couldn't be arsed to change, why should I expect some rando woman to care or empathize? Why should I feel entitled to the love I can't even muster up for [I]myself?[/I] [B]Be the person you'd like to meet.[/B] Make that a goal and the confidence you get as you approach closer and closer to it is the sort of animal magnetism that draws anyone - man or woman - to be closer to you. Focus on yourself, your problems, fight your demons and win. The keep working on upgrading and improving yourself - people [I]will[/I] notice.

[QUOTE=snookypookums;51920171]A long time ago, I was in a similar, nay...exactly the same position as you. The one biggest way I've found to channel those feelings is in self-improvement. It could be exercise, working on a hobby, anything. If I couldn't love myself or was dissatisfied with aspects of my life that I couldn't be arsed to change, why should I expect some rando woman to care or empathize? Why should I feel entitled to the love I can't even muster up for [I]myself?[/I] [B]Be the person you'd like to meet.[/B] Make that a goal and the confidence you get as you approach closer and closer to it is the sort of animal magnetism that draws anyone - man or woman - to be closer to you. Focus on yourself, your problems, fight your demons and win. The keep working on upgrading and improving yourself - people [I]will[/I] notice.[/QUOTE] Thanks man, this is what I needed to hear. I feel reinvigorated after reading this.

[QUOTE=SebiWarrior;51917694]So how can we fix this imbalance and get this chemical to work? I really want it to work[/QUOTE] Well I guess we're all out of ideas

[QUOTE=SebiWarrior;51920696]Well I guess we're all out of ideas[/QUOTE] I bet a lot of you would feel better if you start exercising and training. It is paramount to your mental and physical health.

[QUOTE=ljh;51921055]I bet a lot of you would feel better if you start exercising and training. It is paramount to your mental and physical health.[/QUOTE] Even walking does a lot of good. I can't run anymore as a result of a bad motorcycle accident, but I can walk without a problem. Seriously, just take 45 minutes out of your day, load up a good playlist/podcast and then just get to it. After a while, you'll start looking forward to the walk because you feel a lot more active and it allows your mind to wander.

[QUOTE=ljh;51921055]I bet a lot of you would feel better if you start exercising and training. It is paramount to your mental and physical health.[/QUOTE] I meant a way to find a resolve that doesn't disappear within two days

[QUOTE=SebiWarrior;51921290]I meant a way to find a resolve that doesn't disappear within two days[/QUOTE] If you want something that lasts you gotta work for it. Doesn't mean you have to work yourself to exhaustion tho.

[QUOTE=SebiWarrior;51921290]I meant a way to find a resolve that doesn't disappear within two days[/QUOTE] How badly do you want to change? Your answer is tied to the one you seek.

This happened about a month ago, but I thought I might share it with you guys. So for my college's interim (J-term), I took a class to Hawaii with the geology department to look at a bunch of rocks (also volcanoes). I went with a couple of friends, and the whole trip was an absolute blast! We went to four different islands and all (well, most) of the people on the trip were actually really cool. There was this one girl in particular that I developed a crush on during the trip, pretty much right away. We had a lot of the same interests, same major, similar personality... you get the gist. She's kinda reserved, so it was hard to get to know her in a group setting. The thing is, I was pretty sure she had a thing for me too. We went on a bunch of different hikes, and she always somehow ended up in a small group of people with me. She stayed out late at the pool with me and two of my friends some nights. One of my female friends on the trip [i]straight up asked her[/i] who she would date, out of all of the single guys on the trip, and she said she'd date me. Pretty good, right? So when we got back from the trip, I asked her out to coffee through Facebook. She said yes. We had a good talk, only a few awkward silences, I got her number, and texted her to make plans for date #2. She's not much of a texter, so I didn't get a super fast reply, but whatever. I suggested that she should pick the place this time (she's local, I'm not), and instead of another coffee place she suggested that we go ice skating. The last time I had been ice skating I was maybe about 6, but I was totally willing to go with it! This is where things get weird. A day before the date (Sunday), she cancelled because she said she came down with a bad cold and needed that day to study. No problem, right? I totally understood, because I was just getting over a cold myself that I caught from one of my housemates (thanks Matt). A couple of days later (Thursday), I catch her on campus and ask if she was free sometime the following week (her schedule is super busy--way busier than mine). She said she'd check her schedule at work and get back to me. Saturday, I get a text from her saying that she's free Monday night for dessert, so I suggest a local ice cream place and set a time. Awesome, back on track. Monday morning, I get a text from her saying that she's sorry that she can't make it because she's just too stressed out and can't do this right now. I figured that it had to do with the stress of classes/job/other job/whatever else, so I wanted to do something nice for her. The day after Valentine's, I met her on campus and gave her a bag with candy and a little note to help with the stress. I was kinda nervous, so I was a little awkward about it, but overall I would say that it was well received. We talked for a bit, and it turns out that one of her friends had a family emergency, which is why (I think) she cancelled last minute. I figured I'd give her a little space, so I didn't text her again until next week, just asking how her week was going. No response whatsoever; she hasn't texted me or talked to me since. ¿Qué?

[QUOTE=snookypookums;51921445]How badly do you want to change? Your answer is tied to the one you seek.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=ljh;51921416]If you want something that lasts you gotta work for it. Doesn't mean you have to work yourself to exhaustion tho.[/QUOTE] I'm on Sebi's page here - I've tried to get into working out, going to the gym, etc, but the real issue isn't that *I* just stop after a short period of time, it's that I usually get depressed for a few days and cannot get myself to continue doing it. After that passes I either have completely forgotten about working out or still can't will myself to. Same things happens with eating well. It's a stupid cycle where I can't fix the thing causing me to get depressed because I'm getting depressed. It's also tough doing things that allow my mind to wander, because that actively gets me depressed.

Back home for spring break and still find myself reminded of her all the time.

[QUOTE=SebiWarrior;51921290]I meant a way to find a resolve that doesn't disappear within two days[/QUOTE] Fitness is a lifestyle change. Going for a run once isn't going to solve all your problems. [editline]6th March 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=riku2211;51922661]I'm on Sebi's page here - I've tried to get into working out, going to the gym, etc, but the real issue isn't that *I* just stop after a short period of time, it's that I usually get depressed for a few days and cannot get myself to continue doing it. After that passes I either have completely forgotten about working out or still can't will myself to. Same things happens with eating well. It's a stupid cycle where I can't fix the thing causing me to get depressed because I'm getting depressed. It's also tough doing things that allow my mind to wander, because that actively gets me depressed.[/QUOTE] Making a lifestyle change isn't one big choice, it's a ton of small choices. Even if some choices are hard or take a lot of effort, you can still try to make the easy choices and work your way up.

My friends (including my roommates) are planning a big trip this summer... but I'm not sure if I want to go with them. The plan is to take a road trip to California (we live in Washington state) and see the coast, the redwoods, Disney, San Fran, LA, and such over 7-10 days. Most of the gang is in college or finishing up their studies so for a lot of them it's a last chance for a "summer vacation". This sounds like it could be fun. I've been trying to do more - especially lately, I push myself to say "yes" to things rather than "maybe" or "I don't know" to get out more. I've gone to California a few times, with family, but it's been a while since I've seen some of the sights so it'll be fun to revisit them. Four people are already in, including both my roommates. However, I'm hesitant to commit and although I'm in the group chat I haven't said anything about it - which implies I'm still interested. My hesitance in general is that the trip is a [I]big[/I] undertaking. I've never gone on a vacation or a big journey like this with just friends - I've gone camping several times (usually two to four days, rarely over 200 miles away) with various buddies but nothing near this scale. I've done larger trips but always with family (either immediate or extended). Just spitballing the cost has come up with estimates of over $1000 - this wouldn't be a hardship or obstacle since I have a good job and plenty saved but it is definitely a big investment to make. I will blow through a lot of vacation days (to be fair, I don't use most of them) even though we're planning the trip to take place over a weekend or two. Part of the plan is to use hostels rather than hotels/motels/holiday inns, which is something I've never done before. Also this group has not always been the best at planning, but since we're still many months out to intentionally get a head start I'm fine with that for now. Another part of my hesitance is knowing this friend group - I still enjoy their company but there has been friction before. The biggest thing is that I'm the oldest of the group; even though it's only by a couple years, I've passed a few more milestones than them (graduated college, started career at M-F 9-5 job, etc) and in general feel that I am more mature than they are; this can manifest as me being more of a stick-in-the-mud or "no fun allowed" but also means that I can be more focused and purposeful in my planning and actions. They can be obnoxious or immature at times, but also can be serious when they really need to be. Most of them also [I]really [/I]like weed - I don't partake myself but typically have no problem with people getting high. Sometimes I get annoyed at how much they get high - wanting to smoke or take edibles to get high at any workout, movie, concert, show, party, convention, fair... and since I'm typically sober I get annoyed at how they don't round up easily. Last year we went camping for five days, and although I had a good time I was completely ready to go home (or at least get a break from them) after four - so I dunno how to feel about spending twice as long with these goons. So not only am I having a hard time deciding on the trip, if I decide to not go I'm not sure how to bring up the subject. Any suggestions for dealing with this sort of thing?

[QUOTE=DeathDoom;51922646]words and such[/QUOTE] I had something similar to this. Virtually identical actually. It ended up going nowhere. What I'd recommend doing is message her, and if she doesn't answer, just accept it and set your sights somewhere else. You don't want to come off as to eager so don't message too much. However, under the circumstances that she does respond (which I think is most likely in your circumstance), try to arange something again and if it doesn't go anywhere, probably best to take the hint. [editline]7th March 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Corndog Ninja;51923594]More words and such[/QUOTE] In my opinion, I think you should take the opportunity. It's only 7-10 days so not too long. If you think you have the potential to be able to enjoy yourself too, you should. If you really don't think you'll enjoy yourself, it's not worth the waste of time and money. If they really are your friends, they'll understand you not wanting to go. Just say you don't feel like it.

[QUOTE=riku2211;51919243]Sorry for posting my own shit so much but this is a better outlet for me than my other options. And the input is helpful... at the very least I have some plans for when I move out to potentially improve, though whether or not I can pull it off is up in the air. But, for now I'm still having so much trouble with my ex. All day my chest has felt tight and I half this very vague, very slight lump in my throat. I've had a lot of days like this and it's overwhelming and tiring. I just don't feel right about any of this at all, it feels so wrong, my ex being with someone else. I feel like I'm going to explode and can't help but feel the need to say something to her or text her but I'm doing everything I can not to. It just feels like this is NOT the way things were supposed to go. And the weird part is, while I do still love her, I don't entirely think she and I would work out well if we got back together right now. But I still REALLY want it. I think it'd be better than before, and we could improve, but I still think we need time apart and we need to learn more and gain more experience to ever have a chance of being together successfully. Despite knowing that us being in a relationship again wouldn't be good (nor is it even an option but I'm just thinking about how I feel) for either of us, I STILL feel like this, and I STILL want to say something to her. It doesn't even make sense. What is up with this? Edit: It feels weird asking these questions even though I've been feeling this for a half year and it feels like it's been more than a year.[/QUOTE] I know it hurts really bad with her being with someone else but over time you start thinking about it less. I remember when I first found out I was crushed for months and my depression was unbearable. I think you moving is a good thing and whatever you do don't text her. I also completely avoid looking at her Facebook to avoid getting hurt and I still do.

[QUOTE=Sanxy;51923615] I had something similar to this. Virtually identical actually. [B]It ended up going nowhere.[/B] What I'd recommend doing is message her, and if she doesn't answer, just accept it and set your sights somewhere else. You don't want to come off as to eager so don't message too much. However, under the circumstances that she does respond (which I think is most likely in your circumstance), try to arange something again and if it doesn't go anywhere, probably best to take the hint. [/QUOTE] Heh, that's encouraging. Yeah, I suppose it couldn't hurt just to try and message her again, although it would feel a little awkward since the last thing I sent her she never responded to. She told me she was a really bad texter, but I mean come on! I feel like if she were actually interested, she would have said something to me by now, you know? I dunno, I might try reaching her via Facebook later this week and just ask her how she's been. At least with that I'll know if she doesn't respond, it's not because she didn't see the message.

The hurt doesn't show, but the pain still grows. Sorry, there's no sick drum solo again.

[QUOTE=DeathDoom;51924248]Heh, that's encouraging. Yeah, I suppose it couldn't hurt just to try and message her again, although it would feel a little awkward since the last thing I sent her she never responded to. She told me she was a really bad texter, but I mean come on! I feel like if she were actually interested, she would have said something to me by now, you know? I dunno, I might try reaching her via Facebook later this week and just ask her how she's been. At least with that I'll know if she doesn't respond, it's not because she didn't see the message.[/QUOTE] Ionno, bad texter or not, she's showed zero initiative thus far which kinda speaks volumes by itself. Friend, crush, whatever - the etiquette is that the one who breaks set plans is the one to then propose the next available time to hang out, which hasn't happened in this case - reasons notwithstanding. I agree with your course of action being just to check in on her as a friend, but then just move on and find someone who wants to treat you as a priority in their lives than just some option, man. You deserve better than that.

I just broke up with my GF and I must say that I have never felt this good about it before. I like being with her but I didn't feel like I was in love and didn't want to lead her on. She was very understanding and we are still friends although she's a bit sad about it.

[QUOTE=maeZtro;51925620]I just broke up with my GF and I must say that I have never felt this good about it before. I like being with her but I didn't feel like I was in love and didn't want to lead her on. She was very understanding and we are still friends although she's a bit sad about it.[/QUOTE] That's good, just be a little careful of your emotions when you decide to still be friends. While you're not particularly in love with her, watching someone you were in a relationship with move on can be one of the most heart-wrenchingly painful things you can go through. It's what I'm going through right now, and I'm not even friends with the ex.