Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts.
5,003 replies, posted
[QUOTE=FalconKrunch;51275375]Started Tinder yesterday, found a match today and really hit it off. Feels good man.[/QUOTE]
Got her number, feels even better.
[QUOTE=Pat.Lithium;51277318]i wouldn't give up on therapy, i've known many people who have said it never works for them then they find that one therapist that actually helps them.
this is coming from someone who works in a psychology centre.[/QUOTE]
It's annoying getting new Therapists because we have to drive to another town, to visit the damn therapists.
Even then, I have to wait weeks in between each Session, I've only seen my current Therapist twice this year.
she's sending pictures of her family
what the fuck did I get into this train's going too fast
[QUOTE=FalconKrunch;51277540]Got her number, feels even better.[/QUOTE]
might go on a date now, which will be my first date ever holy shit
I'm simply afraid of inviting a girl out on a date cause I'm pretty sure even if we got into a relationship it wouldn't last, cause none of her relationships lasted long so far.
my second relationship was also shorter than my first, going from 3 years to 5 months. but I was much the same, there seemed to be a lot less effort in the second but it was still fun, neither of us turned out to be 100% into it and we're very different people, so we decided to just be friends.
it was a good 5 months though, some of the best sex I've ever had
on another topic. Its really easy to meet new people and hook them in your adventures once you get your "life objectives" as clear as water. Damn, when i was 2 years younger i got the notion i knew where i was going, and put my heart and soul in my projects, so, naturally, not only girls but people in general hook to that feeling (pun intended) and you can talk about why you do it and everything.
Thats how i met my first girlfriend, but now after the breakup im kinda lost to be honest, im wandering the lands of college, trying to find my new meanings or dreams. That desire of becoming a great filmmaker were based on fear of becoming a no one, and to please my parents, and to be recognized, and then eventually to give my girlfriend a house and security, but after the breakup i think all thats seems kinda pointless, so my focus has really changed into give society what it needs instead of saving myself and be seen as a cool guy, but in this quest its been difficult to find people who are on it too, since im constantly changing focus, and iam not sure about who am i, which is a feeling i never had, and now that im about to become 22 its been a real rollercoaster for all the shit i thought i had sorted out in life.
I never thought in a million years love and break ups could do that to people,life was simpler before it, sure, maybe easier, but it was certainly naive, and kind of a lie i told myself to work best.
Would you guys find it okay if your SO told you that something you do is fairly annoying? The girl I'm dating has a tendency to talk about things I can't join in on and babbles a lot in general. She doesn't do it that much with me, but when we're with others she talks non-stop about stuff none of us can join in on since it's mostly about herself or about people we have never seen or heard about.
I've kept quiet since I'm not sure how okay I find it myself, to point out other peoples flaws (in my eyes) and give them advice. It feels wrong to correct people like that but it can't hurt to mention it casually? Its not like I'm ripping my hair out of frustration, it's not too bad, just a small annoyance.
[editline]1st November 2016[/editline]
While I'm here I suppose I might mention it. She seems incredibly insecure about this relationship and often brings up "oh you're just going to replace me", "as soon as you meet someone else better than me you're done with me", etc etc etc.. Happened today as well. I'm travelling about 10 hours north with car over the weekend to hang out with some friends who live up there and on the way up there I'll be with another friend of mine who is a girl. She instantly came with theories that the people I'm meeting are trying to hook me up with the girl I'm travelling with and shortly after she got really passive aggressive. I get some real bad vibes from this.
so I've got a friend down in glasgow that I'd like to meet up with when I'm down in a few weeks, we've not spoken in a while and I'm not sure how to mention to her that I'm coming down and would like to meet. how do I do this guys I'm shit at breaking the ice
[QUOTE=PredGD;51292829]Would you guys find it okay if your SO told you that something you do is fairly annoying? The girl I'm dating has a tendency to talk about things I can't join in on and babbles a lot in general. She doesn't do it that much with me, but when we're with others she talks non-stop about stuff none of us can join in on since it's mostly about herself or about people we have never seen or heard about.
I've kept quiet since I'm not sure how okay I find it myself, to point out other peoples flaws (in my eyes) and give them advice. It feels wrong to correct people like that but it can't hurt to mention it casually? Its not like I'm ripping my hair out of frustration, it's not too bad, just a small annoyance.
[editline]1st November 2016[/editline]
While I'm here I suppose I might mention it. She seems incredibly insecure about this relationship and often brings up "oh you're just going to replace me", "as soon as you meet someone else better than me you're done with me", etc etc etc.. Happened today as well. I'm travelling about 10 hours north with car over the weekend to hang out with some friends who live up there and on the way up there I'll be with another friend of mine who is a girl. She instantly came with theories that the people I'm meeting are trying to hook me up with the girl I'm travelling with and shortly after she got really passive aggressive. I get some real bad vibes from this.[/QUOTE]
She doesn't seem to trust you. Like, at all. She might not be worth it man
[QUOTE=Pascall;51200707]It also helps if you watch the 2005 film "Hitch" starring Will Smith, [URL="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No"]as it's essentially the love advice handbook[/URL]. (I disagree but this was in the last OP so whatever)[/quote]
[QUOTE=dcalde78;51292906]so I've got a friend down in glasgow that I'd like to meet up with when I'm down in a few weeks, we've not spoken in a while and I'm not sure how to mention to her that I'm coming down and would like to meet. how do I do this guys I'm shit at breaking the ice[/QUOTE]
Tell her you can go back with her if she likes, but you can't promis anytheng.
So after giving up on my coworker as a workout buddy im going back to the gym. Ive gained muscle since becoming an carpenter but i got flab from not eating right.
Also a good online friend has been coming onto me lately but she lives in the UK. So ill keep my eye on that but also focus on improving myself here.
This just got posted in the videos section and I thought this thread would like it
[media]https://youtu.be/0q2X3yVwGMk[/media]
A lot of his videos are good advice
[QUOTE=PredGD;51292829]Would you guys find it okay if your SO told you that something you do is fairly annoying? The girl I'm dating has a tendency to talk about things I can't join in on and babbles a lot in general. She doesn't do it that much with me, but when we're with others she talks non-stop about stuff none of us can join in on since it's mostly about herself or about people we have never seen or heard about.
I've kept quiet since I'm not sure how okay I find it myself, to point out other peoples flaws (in my eyes) and give them advice. It feels wrong to correct people like that but it can't hurt to mention it casually? Its not like I'm ripping my hair out of frustration, it's not too bad, just a small annoyance.
[editline]1st November 2016[/editline]
While I'm here I suppose I might mention it. She seems incredibly insecure about this relationship and often brings up "oh you're just going to replace me", "as soon as you meet someone else better than me you're done with me", etc etc etc.. Happened today as well. I'm travelling about 10 hours north with car over the weekend to hang out with some friends who live up there and on the way up there I'll be with another friend of mine who is a girl. She instantly came with theories that the people I'm meeting are trying to hook me up with the girl I'm travelling with and shortly after she got really passive aggressive. I get some real bad vibes from this.[/QUOTE]
Top half of this post is basically 50% of why I dumped my last girlfriend, she was just in a nutshell awful at telling stories. Always explaining totally inconsequential details and circumstances that had no bearing on the story, and always about a person/place/event that I have no connection to. It's a real drag dating someone who can't tell a good story, but I don't think it's something you can really fix. People in here talk a lot about how important communication is but I think there are some personality traits that people just don't change.
[QUOTE=PredGD;51292829]
[editline]1st November 2016[/editline]
While I'm here I suppose I might mention it. She seems incredibly insecure about this relationship and often brings up "oh you're just going to replace me", "as soon as you meet someone else better than me you're done with me", etc etc etc.. Happened today as well. I'm travelling about 10 hours north with car over the weekend to hang out with some friends who live up there and on the way up there I'll be with another friend of mine who is a girl. She instantly came with theories that the people I'm meeting are trying to hook me up with the girl I'm travelling with and shortly after she got really passive aggressive. I get some real bad vibes from this.[/QUOTE]
That sounds like my ex from top to bottom. But I'll try to give advice as best as I can't without projecting her in your post.
She's got some real abandonment issues. I'd risk to guess that she either grew up in a detached family environment or probably has an absent father. But don't give much credit to my wild guess here.
She's going for the attention card. What I mean is, she's crying out for you to save her from her fears without realizing you're not super man and will need to take some time to prove her through experience that you'll be there.
Don't be afraid to tell her how you're not dealing with her second guessing well because you've been doing your best and putting some effort in it.
She clearly has been betrayed in the past or had people walk out of her life just like that and she created a pattern in which she already expects this from you. It's nothing personal, it's just a mechanism she created in order to cope with disappointment, predicting the end and receiving confirmation from you that it's not happening anytime soon is basically a control mechanism over disappointment. She's pretty much just controlling a possible fall by trying to predict all the variables while inadvertently keeping you on check. Breaking this cycle is going to be tricky and will require a lot of hard work and openness to conversation on both parts.
The million dollar question here is, is she willing and available to become aware of that issue and to talk about it by externalizing her fears or is she going to be constantly obsessing about losing you to exterior factors until it becomes unbearable for you to not have any credibility in the relationship.
I can tell you from personal experience, what happened in situations similar to yours.
My ex-girlfriend was exactly like that. Her father was absent and cold so she projected a lot of fears in the men she was with (me). I was constantly being second guessed. Either because I didn't answer to texts in the manner she was expecting, or because she suspected that I would just cheat on her or drink my way into senseless drug and alcohol induced fornication. She had this image of me where I felt that she was seeing in me everything terrible her dad did to her.
The problem here was that I tried my best to talk to her and she would get all defensive, she turned around every argument in her favor until she actually did what she feared I would do: cheated on me, started doing drugs and alcohol in a manner that I never did. And blamed me for it. It pretty rapidly turned out to be a toxic relationship where I was the only one desperately trying until she left and proceeded to do the same with another man.
On the other hand the situation with my current girlfriend started out as similar to what you're mentioning (we've started dating both being a little emotionally roughed up from previous failed relationships), and started to get better and better, even though it's a long distance relationship, due to the fact that we TALK. About everything. And sometimes we get mad at each other and have huge arguments over stupid shit but it's never taken personally. We healed a lot of our fears by simply talking and focusing on the present rather than obsess about what grim futures there might be for us in the future. And believe me it was a really bumpy ride in the beginning.
What I'm saying is. There's a difference between people worth staying with and people not worth staying with. And in my opinion people worth staying with are people who don't take criticism or "how you feel about certain aspects" the bad way. Even if you're wrong in your criticism, you should be able to talk it out and make it right.
You shouldn't be afraid to express your feelings with her without being afraid to lose her in doing so. I know this is better said than done but you should, as a first step, exercise your openness and honesty with her more and more often. Honesty usually leads to trust.
Tell her you don't like being second guessed all the time, for starters. Tell her you gave her no reason to suspect you and explain her how invested in this relationship you are. Don't be afraid to bring back the issue if need be. You guys need better communication. If it is of no use and it keeps adding up to your frustration, then it's time for you to set your limit.
Good luck.
I asked my crush out but she was busy that day
Do you think the best course is to wait until she sets the date herself or ask again myself?
My boyfriend's birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I didn't realize it until I was in the process of looking for a Christmas present for him. So I figured I'd maybe spend a bit more money and get him something big enough to cover both (though I'll probably still get him something small too for Christmas).
So I decided to drop a few hundred bucks on a new bass guitar for him. It's nothing amazing, but he had to pawn off his bass to help pay for his sister since he's been raising her since he was 18 or 19 and he tells me about how he has to go to the music store to get to play, so I figured a new bass would be super cool for him. It's not the exact model of his dreams or anything but it's very close and I was sure to ask him questions about it to make sure he would like the one I'm gonna get him too.
It's gonna come early but I'm pretty excited to give it to him. I don't think I've ever been this excited to get someone a gift before lol.
[editline]2nd November 2016[/editline]
[QUOTE=SebiWarrior;51295984]I asked my crush out but she was busy that day
Do you think the best course is to wait until she sets the date herself or ask again myself?[/QUOTE]
She didn't offer any alternative or anything?
[QUOTE=SebiWarrior;51295984]I asked my crush out but she was busy that day
Do you think the best course is to wait until she sets the date herself or ask again myself?[/QUOTE]
Ask again, if she's busy again then ask her if there's a date when she won't be, if she says 'I'll let you know' she's never going to let you know and she's not interested
[QUOTE=Pascall;51296005]She didn't offer any alternative or anything?[/QUOTE]
She did not, which is why I'm asking. Considering this was the first time, and the first one's free, I was wondering what your thoughts would be
[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;51296019]Ask again, if she's busy again then ask her if there's a date when she won't be, if she says 'I'll let you know' she's never going to let you know and she's not interested[/QUOTE]
Do this pretty much. Try to get something a little more specific out of her by asking her if there's a day when she won't be busy.
Anything that's vague or "I'm not sure" or "I'll have to check" is generally a no.
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;51295974]-quote-[/QUOTE]
Yup, I feel like you describe her fairly well. She has told me that she always felt fairly detached from the family and, just like you said, has an absent father that apparently has done some shady shit to her mother that they all know but he won't admit. No abuse, but think cheating and having a child with someone else that he dropped out of his life. All of her previous relationships ended up with her partner cheating as well so I have some understanding for her insecurity.
We have talked about it before but not that much, yet. She seems to be aware that her feelings on the matter are unreasonable and unjustified but her feelings do overpower her logical thinking. Which doesn't come as a shock, it'll take time to heal for sure. I have told her straight up that I hope she's looking into fixing this as I can't imagine this relation lasting very long if her insecurity keeps brewing up scenarios that won't happen. I told her that insecurity alone is something that can wreck relationships by itself and she seems understanding.
I might need to sit down to talk more about this with her with her pulling the "attention card". She wants to be with me 24/7, wants to sleep over every single day or have me over, skips important stuff she should participate in just to be with me and so on. I don't feel the same need and it's frustrating since I often want to just chill at home but it's hard to turn her down without coming off like I don't want to be with her.
I haven't told her that I don't like to be second guessed, I probably should. I imagine she would just respond with "it's not you, it's just that others can make a move or fancy you and I don't like that". Which she has before to other questions and I just told her that it's hard to prevent that, but that she shouldn't worry because I wouldn't do anything behind her back. I always tell her that I'm open to all scenarios and, if it really does happen that I fancy someone else back and lose interest in her, I wouldn't cheat on her but I'd be open to her about that. It seems to calm her.
My biggest fear with this is exactly what happened to you: she ends up becoming what she wrongly predicts I'll become. I might be wrong, but I feel that people who are over the top insecure about a topic are those who can easily become exactly what they're feeling insecure over.
I appreciate your long reply, definitely some useful stuff here. Seems like the best course of action is to not please her insecurities by giving in to stuff I don't want. Sometimes I simply need some time by myself and I don't think it's too unreasonable to just say that if I don't want to meet. She'll probably feel abandoned but that's something I think it's good for her to feel and then learn whatever she's theorizing ending up being wrong.
so I ended up just saying hi, asking how she was and if she wanted to meet up whilst I'm visiting
she said yes, go me
So, I can't tell the difference between actual vindictiveness and banter. I mean I can, but there's a fine line and I have a very hard time defining it. I've had 2 jokes made in basic conversation today that just sorta set me back and completely killed the mood, 'banter' directed at me. I really don't know what to say, I think of myself as ok socially but this is frustrating.
[QUOTE=Kabstrac;51294447]my girlfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me today, just said that she doesn't feel it anymore basically. It came out of no where, I thought everything was going well and she never discussed anything was wrong with us[/QUOTE]
same happened to me, 11 months.
I still havent gotten over it.
Does one ever get over an ex?
It can take a long time, but it always varies depending on the person and the circumstances. I wouldn't say that I'm properly over my first girlfriend and she left me just over 2 years ago now. I was heavily invested in that relationship and was in love with her, and all of a sudden she'd decided to call it quits and I never got a reason as to why. Maybe that's why I've had trouble moving on from it, but I've no doubt it'll happen eventually.
My second relationship however, ended right at the start of this year but neither of us felt that there was a particular spark there, but we enjoyed ourselves together and I don't regret it in the slightest. I had no issues moving on from that because we both shared the same feelings and knew how the other person felt and the reasoning behind why we decided to split up.
I've met this girl online, she lives in another country but is really friendly and cute. Anyway we chatted for a good week and she told me something that makes me fear for her life.
Basically a few weeks ago she stared chatting with this guy in one of the Facebook groups we're in and started an online relationship. Somehow she missed all the telltale signs that the dude is a complete and utter psychopath. For example he goes by a fake name, only photos on his facebook are of a buff dude with a kane like mask, a noose around his neck and a fucking axe. He does live streams on that facebook page wearing a mask, talking about how to murder people "go for an artery its least painful" how to find hitmen on deep web, how to dismember bodies "chainsaws are only good for the movies, they spread blood everywhere and tissue tangles up in the chain so it's a pain in the ass to clean" etc. The people on that group worship him, they think this is just a character he puts on for the show and think it's hilarious. She thought it was only a character too and he apparently was very nice and sweet with her and sent her pictures and videos of his face. No one else but her and I have his real face, he always hides behind the masks in public posts. Anyway she somehow missed the fact he has a swastika on his wall, and a hand saw hanging from it. He also sent her a photo of his sixpack, which was just taken from the internet and he painted over the chest of the guy in the photo so she couldn't see the fact that the photo doesn't have tattoos but he does. She thought he was just hiding his tattoo. He also admitted he loved her very much and shit like that in the first few days of their online relationship. He became completely obsessed with her.
A few days ago she was talking with some guys in that group in the comments section and he flipped out like a super jealous boyfriend acting as if she cheated on him. And then the threats started, in very, very explicit detail, he posted on that group that she's a whore and the admins actually banned her and not him from the group because like I said they worship his personna. He started saying that he will torment her until he kills her. That she would be wrong to think he is only trying to scare her. That he's going to rape her then put a knife slowly through her throat and watch her bleed and lots and lots of other unimaginable shit.
He doesn't know where she lives but knows which school she's in. She is afraid for her life, can't eat or even sleep. She doesn't want to block him on Facebook because she wants to know what he is up to and fears that he might get even angrier if she did. She doesn't want to tell her parents either because they might contact the police and make it worse too.
I don't know what to do, I thought of threatening him to show his face unless he stops everything. I think contacting the police would be good but we don't know much else about him except for his face, not even a real name or a city he's from. Or maybe staging a "sting" making her contact him and ask to meet to settle everything, and have a few lads drive him out into the forest or call the cops saying there has been a fight so they arrest him and then present them with evidence that he threatened to kill her, but I don't know anyone either...
The videos are in Lithuanian, I would share them but most of you won't be able to understand anyway but trust me, they made even my heart race and gave me goosebumps and they aren't even directed at me. I can't imagine how scared she must be, and I'm stuck here completely helpless...
Any ideas??
[QUOTE=Buck.;51300727]I've met this girl online, she lives in another country but is really friendly and cute. Anyway we chatted for a good week and she told me something that makes me fear for her life.
Basically a few weeks ago she stared chatting with this guy in one of the Facebook groups we're in and started an online relationship. Somehow she missed all the telltale signs that the dude is a complete and utter psychopath. For example he goes by a fake name, only photos on his facebook are of a buff dude with a kane like mask, a noose around his neck and a fucking axe. He does live streams on that facebook page wearing a mask, talking about how to murder people "go for an artery its least painful" how to find hitmen on deep web, how to dismember bodies "chainsaws are only good for the movies, they spread blood everywhere and tissue tangles up in the chain so it's a pain in the ass to clean" etc. The people on that group worship him, they think this is just a character he puts on for the show and think it's hilarious. She thought it was only a character too and he apparently was very nice and sweet with her and sent her pictures and videos of his face. No one else but her and I have his real face, he always hides behind the masks in public posts. Anyway she somehow missed the fact he has a swastika on his wall, and a hand saw hanging from it. He also sent her a photo of his sixpack, which was just taken from the internet and he painted over the chest of the guy in the photo so she couldn't see the fact that the photo doesn't have tattoos but he does. She thought he was just hiding his tattoo. He also admitted he loved her very much and shit like that in the first few days of their online relationship. He became completely obsessed with her.
A few days ago she was talking with some guys in that group in the comments section and he flipped out like a super jealous boyfriend acting as if she cheated on him. And then the threats started, in very, very explicit detail, he posted on that group that she's a whore and the admins actually banned her and not him from the group because like I said they worship his personna. He started saying that he will torment her until he kills her. That she would be wrong to think he is only trying to scare her. That he's going to rape her then put a knife slowly through her throat and watch her bleed and lots and lots of other unimaginable shit.
He doesn't know where she lives but knows which school she's in. She is afraid for her life, can't eat or even sleep. She doesn't want to block him on Facebook because she wants to know what he is up to and fears that he might get even angrier if she did. She doesn't want to tell her parents either because they might contact the police and make it worse too.
I don't know what to do, I thought of threatening him to show his face unless he stops everything. I think contacting the police would be good but we don't know much else about him except for his face, not even a real name or a city he's from. Or maybe staging a "sting" making her contact him and ask to meet to settle everything, and have a few lads drive him out into the forest or call the cops saying there has been a fight so they arrest him and then present them with evidence that he threatened to kill her, but I don't know anyone either...
The videos are in Lithuanian, I would share them but most of you won't be able to understand anyway but trust me, they made even my heart race and gave me goosebumps and they aren't even directed at me. I can't imagine how scared she must be, and I'm stuck here completely helpless...
Any ideas??[/QUOTE]
Police should have a computer crimes division. Tell them everything you told us and make sure they know that this isn't someone being mean on the internet this is a person who genuinely seems unhinged and that your friend is very afraid for her life, and that he [I]knows where she goes to school.[/I]
[QUOTE=Buck.;51300727]post[/QUOTE]I think the guy's just an asshole. Considering he hides behind a mask and threatens people with violence over the internet proves he's a pussy. But I think I'd have better understanding if I actually saw one of those videos.
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Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts.
