Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v8 - Stop spamming her with texts. - General

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52272790]Man online dating is absolute turd Same thing happened again, indepth conversation, big replies from both and suddenly she stops replying after a 30+ messages from both of us. Been 2 days now and still nothing. I know I'm not shooting out of my range and I know I'm conversing well Waiting for my sub to run out then getting rid of all them apps since fuck this noise[/QUOTE] I'm not really experienced with dating in general (basically has been in a relationship in the relevant age period, until recently), but I think it's a good idea to get the idea of a date across fairly fast, instead of having really long conversations over the internet.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52272790]Man online dating is absolute turd Same thing happened again, indepth conversation, big replies from both and suddenly she stops replying after a 30+ messages from both of us. Been 2 days now and still nothing. I know I'm not shooting out of my range and I know I'm conversing well Waiting for my sub to run out then getting rid of all them apps since fuck this noise[/QUOTE] Don't have long conversations, get to the point and meet as soon as possible. I've been burnt by this many times.

[QUOTE=farmatyr;52272859]Don't have long conversations, get to the point and meet as soon as possible. I've been burnt by this many times.[/QUOTE] It's a hazard, but the girl I'm seeing right now we spoke for weeks before we got together. Different strokes I guess

[QUOTE=farmatyr;52272859]Don't have long conversations, get to the point and meet as soon as possible. I've been burnt by this many times.[/QUOTE] We spoke for 30 messages over the course of 8 hours, was literally about to ask for her number. I'd understand if it was a week [editline]25th May 2017[/editline] Should I bother messaging her again or just leave it? She's been online numerous times when I've been browsing.

So, I've been working a long time on a good first message for dating websites (at least, OkCupid) and it seems like I might have found something that drives home the fact that first and foremost I want to meet them while still giving them the initiative and not coming across as pushy/creepy/lazy. I had to look up a LOT of different synonyms. [QUOTE]I was wondering if you'd be game for meeting up over a cup of coffee to chat a bit? I find you compelling and I'd like to get to know you better.[/QUOTE] So many people in their profile put "don't message me just hi" that I don't even preface it with that. I go straight to the point. I don't know if it's a coincidence but I've already got 2 dates lined up since I've been using that template. Fingers crossed. Feels free to use it and tell me if it does any good for you. Of course, I have a pretty developed yet still concise profile description and some good pictures to accompany the whole things so it's not something you should ignore. I've just been on OkCupid on and off for the past 2 years and never managed to actually get a date and the only thing I changed in the past week is my opening message.

Fuck I need advice fast, for the last couple of weeks things have been deteriorating with my girlfriend and I and I don't know what to do. I keep hurting her and she keeps hurting me and we've been arguing over the simplest of things and its been bad. I just got into an argument with her over one of her friends I don't like and I told her I was thinking about breaking up and asked if we should. I genuinely love the girl but I don't want to turn into an abusive person towards her and have her trapped into a relationship with me when there would be someone better for her who would't hurt her. Literally she broke down in tears and told me she wouldn't have anything else to live for and that shed be better off dead and this wasn't the first time she told me this. Both of us were crying and all that I know is that I fucked up hard and that I love her too much to lose her. Someone please help Im freaking out and I think Im about to drive to her.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52272966]We spoke for 30 messages over the course of 8 hours, was literally about to ask for her number. I'd understand if it was a week [editline]25th May 2017[/editline] Should I bother messaging her again or just leave it? She's been online numerous times when I've been browsing.[/QUOTE] Give it another shot with someone else, you've only been conversing for 8 hours. Don't let one conversation bring you down, it will happen a lot. It's often likely they've found someone else they're more interested in.

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52272966]We spoke for 30 messages over the course of 8 hours, was literally about to ask for her number. I'd understand if it was a week [editline]25th May 2017[/editline] Should I bother messaging her again or just leave it? She's been online numerous times when I've been browsing.[/QUOTE] The way I've gotten numbers before from people from tinder or something is that if the convo is going good, to just ask them to play me in 8 ball pool (it's a game over imessage for those people who don't know) if they also have an iPhone bc you can only play with other people who have iphones. To me that's less awkward than just straight up asking "can I have your number???". Then once you got their number you can continue talking over text. Then you're no longer just "that guy on tinder" (or any online dating app/website), you're actually texting them on their phone and that sets you apart.

[QUOTE=StrawberryClock;52273048]So, I've been working a long time on a good first message for dating websites (at least, OkCupid) and it seems like I might have found something that drives home the fact that first and foremost I want to meet them while still giving them the initiative and not coming across as pushy/creepy/lazy. I had to look up a LOT of different synonyms. So many people in their profile put "don't message me just hi" that I don't even preface it with that. I go straight to the point. I don't know if it's a coincidence but I've already got 2 dates lined up since I've been using that template. Fingers crossed. Feels free to use it and tell me if it does any good for you. Of course, I have a pretty developed yet still concise profile description and some good pictures to accompany the whole things so it's not something you should ignore. I've just been on OkCupid on and off for the past 2 years and never managed to actually get a date and the only thing I changed in the past week is my opening message.[/QUOTE] I'm glad to hear it's working out for you, but I've gotta be honest, I'd probably be a little turned off if someone told me they found me 'compelling'. Then again you're not trying to get me out for a coffee, so each to their own. If it works it works.

[QUOTE=Blazyd;52274517]The way I've gotten numbers before from people from tinder or something is that if the convo is going good, to just ask them to play me in 8 ball pool (it's a game over imessage for those people who don't know) if they also have an iPhone bc you can only play with other people who have iphones. To me that's less awkward than just straight up asking "can I have your number???". Then once you got their number you can continue talking over text. Then you're no longer just "that guy on tinder" (or any online dating app/website), you're actually texting them on their phone and that sets you apart.[/QUOTE] Honestly you would be just as well asking for their number straight up. If you pulled that with me either I was already going to give my number or as soon as you start texting when it isn't what you asked for the number for I would be out. I might be a little more touchy than average but just be honest with what you want with people online, if they don't want to they don't want to

[QUOTE=killerteacup;52275251]I'm glad to hear it's working out for you, but I've gotta be honest, I'd probably be a little turned off if someone told me they found me 'compelling'. Then again you're not trying to get me out for a coffee, so each to their own. If it works it works.[/QUOTE] Yeah, that's kind of the only word in that message that I feel I could maybe substitute for something else. I've tried "interesting" in the past but that seems WAY overdone and kind of vague. I feel like "compelling" was the only word I could find that communicated that I felt something beyond interest in them without using the word "attracted" since that has a lot more pressure attached to it than "compelling".

[QUOTE=Timof2009;52274432]Fuck I need advice fast, for the last couple of weeks things have been deteriorating with my girlfriend and I and I don't know what to do. I keep hurting her and she keeps hurting me and we've been arguing over the simplest of things and its been bad. I just got into an argument with her over one of her friends I don't like and I told her I was thinking about breaking up and asked if we should. I genuinely love the girl but I don't want to turn into an abusive person towards her and have her trapped into a relationship with me when there would be someone better for her who would't hurt her. Literally she broke down in tears and told me she wouldn't have anything else to live for and that shed be better off dead and this wasn't the first time she told me this. Both of us were crying and all that I know is that I fucked up hard and that I love her too much to lose her. Someone please help Im freaking out and I think Im about to drive to her.[/QUOTE] You have a fork in the road here. You can not stay with someone just because they have emotional leverage with you (the whole couldn't live without you thing) been there, done that, it sucks but it's the truth. Don't hang up your happiness for someone else's. But you have two options, when you start looking at breaking up is when you stop looking for solutions. You guys seem to be having communication problems, so it's flaring up as fights over everything. You can choose to go or you can choose to fix it. It sounds like you at least want to try fixing it so I'll share some advice from my therapist on communication, it's basically a conversational structure so you can both say your bit and be heard, and honestly it does really help with more conflicty issues especially. You each get a role here, one of you at a time gets each and it has to be sorta one issue at a time, and it's a little weird, but talk it over and if you both use this structure it gets to be more natural over time. One of you, your job is to communicate what the problem is, the others job is to listen. Not respond. Only listen. A lot of arguing happens because we spend our time looking to respond rather than to hear and understand. Step one is starting a conversation, "I need to talk about x" or something of the sort. If there is a reoccuring issue, talk about it when it isn't immediately a problem, take a break first if you both need to cool down from a fight before talking it over. If your both angry you'll be defensive or lashing out, which makes hearing harder. Talk about whatever it is, explain whatever the problem is "the mountain of dishes is stressing me out" "it bothers me when you do x" in a non-acusatory but direct way. Basically just explain what the problem is. Then the listening partner iterated back "what I am hearing from you is that x is bothering you because y" and repeat until the issue is understood. This can be the big difference cause ify bf says the mess is bothering him, I jump to "so you think I should clean up the mess" when that isn't necessarily true at all, just that what is there is stressing him and he needs to talk about it. Then from there, depending what it is, you can flip it "how I feel about that thing is x" or look for a solution as needed, not everything comes out with a solution. Some discussing my bf and I have had since didn't have a solution to a problem we just needed to communicate better to understand where each of us was coming from. I know it sounds stupid and awkward, it is to be quite honest, but it genuinely works and since we have started using it it's become more naturally worked into how we talk and issues don't start snowballing into repeat arguments over nothing because you both feel heard on an issue and it can be put away rather than fester. I can't really be more specific without knowing the particular argument but its really just the element of honestly feeling heard and making a non defensive solution or choosing to not do anything, with full understanding, that helps

[QUOTE=StrawberryClock;52275357]Yeah, that's kind of the only word in that message that I feel I could maybe substitute for something else. I've tried "interesting" in the past but that seems WAY overdone and kind of vague. I feel like "compelling" was the only word I could find that communicated that I felt something beyond interest in them without using the word "attracted" since that has a lot more pressure attached to it than "compelling".[/QUOTE] I actually think you could stand to be a little more thought-less, to be frank. But more importantly, more concise. Because, as said earlier, and from the perspective of a straight cis dude, women get tons of messages to sift through and the easiest to read are, well, the easiest to reply to. To that end i've been saying variations of, "You seem like someone i'd want to meet--I also like [thing in profile/photo/etc]. Want to grab [food item] one day this week?" It's like a line between thinking too much and not much at all. So it's formulaic, but it's honest, brief, and displays commitment and confidence. At first i thought asking to meet up within a timeframe was too pressing, but then i watched Aziz Ansari's bit about how to make plans with people. Giving someone a specific day, even time, is how you make sure something doesn't fall through the cracks, and also filters out the folks who don't want to commit to time spent in person. What they need to know to feel comfortable meeting you should already be in your profile, so, best to prompt a fair, direct request, let them assess on their own, and respond, in my opinion. [editline]Edited:[/editline] This turned into less of a post critiquing your writing and more of a post that agrees with many of your ideas and gives my take on it

[QUOTE=farmatyr;52274475]Give it another shot with someone else, you've only been conversing for 8 hours. Don't let one conversation bring you down, it will happen a lot. It's often likely they've found someone else they're more interested in.[/QUOTE] It's not just one conversation it's 4 now, frustrating me to hell haha Thing is though and I know the conversations are interesting and it is going somewhere so it's just hella confusing but if someone doesn't wanna reply then they aint worth my time

[QUOTE=DChapsfield;52275726]I actually think you could stand to be a little more thought-less, to be frank. But more importantly, more concise. Because, as said earlier, and from the perspective of a straight cis dude, women get tons of messages to sift through and the easiest to read are, well, the easiest to reply to. To that end i've been saying variations of, "You seem like someone i'd want to meet--I also like [thing in profile/photo/etc]. Want to grab [food item] one day this week?" It's like a line between thinking too much and not much at all. So it's formulaic, but it's honest, brief, and displays commitment and confidence. At first i thought asking to meet up within a timeframe was too pressing, but then i watched Aziz Ansari's bit about how to make plans with people. Giving someone a specific day, even time, is how you make sure something doesn't fall through the cracks, and also filters out the folks who don't want to commit to time spent in person. What they need to know to feel comfortable meeting you should already be in your profile, so, best to prompt a fair, direct request, let them assess on their own, and respond, in my opinion. [editline]Edited:[/editline] This turned into less of a post critiquing your writing and more of a post that agrees with many of your ideas and gives my take on it[/QUOTE] Overall I feel like they're both in the same ballpark.

[QUOTE=StrawberryClock;52276943]Overall I feel like they're both in the same ballpark.[/QUOTE] Yeah completely. I probably should have just written something like, "I feel basically exactly the same as you, and for those who don't, here is my own reasoning in addition." I realize it could have come off as condescending or patronizing--didn't mean for that, sorry.

[QUOTE=Rhenae;52275384]You have a fork in the road here. You can not stay with someone just because they have emotional leverage with you (the whole couldn't live without you thing) been there, done that, it sucks but it's the truth. Don't hang up your happiness for someone else's. But you have two options, when you start looking at breaking up is when you stop looking for solutions. You guys seem to be having communication problems, so it's flaring up as fights over everything. You can choose to go or you can choose to fix it. It sounds like you at least want to try fixing it so I'll share some advice from my therapist on communication, it's basically a conversational structure so you can both say your bit and be heard, and honestly it does really help with more conflicty issues especially. You each get a role here, one of you at a time gets each and it has to be sorta one issue at a time, and it's a little weird, but talk it over and if you both use this structure it gets to be more natural over time. One of you, your job is to communicate what the problem is, the others job is to listen. Not respond. Only listen. A lot of arguing happens because we spend our time looking to respond rather than to hear and understand. Step one is starting a conversation, "I need to talk about x" or something of the sort. If there is a reoccuring issue, talk about it when it isn't immediately a problem, take a break first if you both need to cool down from a fight before talking it over. If your both angry you'll be defensive or lashing out, which makes hearing harder. Talk about whatever it is, explain whatever the problem is "the mountain of dishes is stressing me out" "it bothers me when you do x" in a non-acusatory but direct way. Basically just explain what the problem is. Then the listening partner iterated back "what I am hearing from you is that x is bothering you because y" and repeat until the issue is understood. This can be the big difference cause ify bf says the mess is bothering him, I jump to "so you think I should clean up the mess" when that isn't necessarily true at all, just that what is there is stressing him and he needs to talk about it. Then from there, depending what it is, you can flip it "how I feel about that thing is x" or look for a solution as needed, not everything comes out with a solution. Some discussing my bf and I have had since didn't have a solution to a problem we just needed to communicate better to understand where each of us was coming from. I know it sounds stupid and awkward, it is to be quite honest, but it genuinely works and since we have started using it it's become more naturally worked into how we talk and issues don't start snowballing into repeat arguments over nothing because you both feel heard on an issue and it can be put away rather than fester. I can't really be more specific without knowing the particular argument but its really just the element of honestly feeling heard and making a non defensive solution or choosing to not do anything, with full understanding, that helps[/QUOTE] That makes a lot of sense, because for the last couple of weeks she would interrupt me a lot and wouldn't let me talk which then I would interrupt her so I could talk and it would get in this vicious cycle of neither of us listening when the other needed someone to listen to them. It actually sounds like a great idea and what we need. Lucky for me I got called in to work unexpectedly so it gave both of us time to cool off and we later came to the same conclusion that we just need to figure out how to talk to each other better. I am for sure doing this from now on because it sounds way better than letting what starts as little issues boil over.

It's normal to be worried about finding someone right? Like I'm flipping between being excited to be free of the old relationship and being worried because: a) I'm not sure what I did to make the last girl stop being interested in me b) I'll be stressed all the time to make sure I don't mess it up again c) I've only got two more years of school before I'm out of luck I'm trying to tell myself that if I find the right person I won't have to worry about not messing it but I'm not convincing myself. This last girl seemed like "the right person" but then suddenly closed up and left with no explanation so idk.

[QUOTE=DChapsfield;52278561]Yeah completely. I probably should have just written something like, "I feel basically exactly the same as you, and for those who don't, here is my own reasoning in addition." I realize it could have come off as condescending or patronizing--didn't mean for that, sorry.[/QUOTE] Don't sweat it, I appreciate your perspective.

[QUOTE=papkee;52279039] c) I've only got two more years of school before I'm out of luck [/QUOTE] This is a really bad line of thinking. If you're using school as a crutch to meet people then you're gonna have a pretty bad life once you graduate.

[QUOTE=Not64;52279140]This is a really bad line of thinking. If you're using school as a crutch to meet people then you're gonna have a pretty bad life once you graduate.[/QUOTE] I'm saying that more along the lines of having more people around who might actually be interested in me. I can meet people just fine, but it's the fact that once I leave college the density of available people who are also looking for relationships goes down dramatically.

If you move to the Silicon Valley after you graduate and work a 9-5 tech job, then sure, your chances of meeting a girl diminish a ton. But if you decide to, for instance, do the JET program, or move to NYC and join a band, or join a soup kitchen, or pick up rock climbing, then that point is moot. And besides, what does density matter anyway? You just need to find one girl. Just one. Doing stuff you're actually interested in and passionate about will give you a much better chance at meeting the right one for you than some random chick in your class

[QUOTE=papkee;52279039]It's normal to be worried about finding someone right? Like I'm flipping between being excited to be free of the old relationship and being worried because: a) I'm not sure what I did to make the last girl stop being interested in me b) I'll be stressed all the time to make sure I don't mess it up again c) I've only got two more years of school before I'm out of luck I'm trying to tell myself that if I find the right person I won't have to worry about not messing it but I'm not convincing myself. This last girl seemed like "the right person" but then suddenly closed up and left with no explanation so idk.[/QUOTE] Generally speaking with girls: When in doubt, give her space. Girls need space just like guys do. I'm not advocating "dread game" or anything, but if you crowd someone they're gonna want you to fuck off. Leave this girl alone. Find some cool shit to do. She'll probably be around sooner or later. Pick up a new hobby or something.

[QUOTE=Agoat;52279322]Generally speaking with girls: When in doubt, give her space. Girls need space just like guys do. I'm not advocating "dread game" or anything, but if you crowd someone they're gonna want you to fuck off. Leave this girl alone. Find some cool shit to do. She'll probably be around sooner or later. Pick up a new hobby or something.[/QUOTE] no she's done. Onto a new guy, over me, etc. Really at this point the only two things keeping me thinking about that relationship are the question of why it changed so suddenly from being so close, and the dissappointment/anger/whatever emotion this is because she moved on to a guy she was apparently talking to while we were going out I'm slowly getting past that but the lack of any closure still bugs me. I'm trying to tell myself that a girl who changes guys she's with every month isn't good for me, but I'm sure most of you on here know that you can't rationalize with yourself when you're attracted to someone

[QUOTE=papkee;52279362]no she's done. Onto a new guy, over me, etc. Really at this point the only two things keeping me thinking about that relationship are the question of why it changed so suddenly from being so close, and the dissappointment/anger/whatever emotion this is because she moved on to a guy she was apparently talking to while we were going out I'm slowly getting past that but the lack of any closure still bugs me. I'm trying to tell myself that a girl who changes guys she's with every month isn't good for me, but I'm sure most of you on here know that you can't rationalize with yourself when you're attracted to someone[/QUOTE] Here's your closure: You're learning how these things work and you will improve in all aspects of your life. This girl got away. Who cares, you'll find a better one. Learn from it and do cool shit. She ain't your priority.

More bad marks. My grades keep getting worse the more the year nears the end How the fuck do I even make it, all of my effort is for naught I am fucking scared out of my mind. Not for me. I'm scared of my family

Just done something I never have before Gave some waitress at a Pizza Hut my number lmao It was me and my mate and we gave her a big tip and she was talking to us asking what we are doing for the bank holiday weekend and such. My mate is 35 and we guessed she was 21-23 as she said she finished Uni, which is in my ballpark and my mate said she was playing with her hair/being fidgety I ended up writing my number down and on the way out passing it to her and saying have a nice day, to which she thanked me Nothing may come out of it but felt pretty good to do that for the first time

Guys I need advice. This seriously has to end. I need to cut someone from my life that I stupidly invited back in. The main problem is that I don't have the heart to do it. I feel like such a asshole for bringing her back in just to delete her off my life for the second time. I want to get rid of her but at the same time I don't want to act like a dick and just cutt her off like that. I'm completely lost right now. Should I just say "Sorry, this isn't working for me" and be gone?

Just got a text back which was a shock in itself. She said she was flattered that I gave her my number but she's with some at the moment (more detailed but ya get the gist) Still, you dont ask you dont get! It's improved my confidence if anything

[QUOTE=TrannyAlert;52282334]Just got a text back which was a shock in itself. She said she was flattered that I gave her my number but she's with some at the moment (more detailed but ya get the gist) Still, you dont ask you dont get! It's improved my confidence if anything[/QUOTE] and that's exactly why it's a good thing to take a (respectful) risk like that! At best, you can open a door to meeting someone new. If not, they don't say anything and you keep on going your way, none worse for wear. At worst, they say no, and you keep on going your way, none worse for wear.