Sex, Girlfriends and Shit VII: "Power Moves For High Quality Women" - General

Speaking of exes, some part of me wants to contact my ex, you know just talk about stuff and nothing more but what irritates me is that i've been doing fine for the past 2 years since we ended it but now all of a sudden i get the feeling like i want to contact her. We haven't had any contact for the last 1 and a half year.

[QUOTE=Bucketboy;51803791]Speaking of exes, some part of me wants to contact my ex, you know just talk about stuff and nothing more but what irritates me is that i've been doing fine for the past 2 years since we ended it but now all of a sudden i get the feeling like i want to contact her. We haven't had any contact for the last 1 and a half year.[/QUOTE] How do you go about talking with someone you haven't in a few years? I have no idea what to say when messaging someone for the first time/out of the blue.

Yeah, out of the blue texting just feels weird to me. Even with friends that i've known for years in class and such. I never texted much in the past and now I feel like it would be weird to just say hey whats up or something without them thinking i'm expecting something.

Yeah that is the issue I've been having lately I'd love to get to know this girl but we've been in the same class for 4 years now and only exchanged a few lame jokes Also she gets picked on an awful lot and the idiots that are my clique would also pick on me so there's that

Is it a good idea to date someone you aren't extremely attracted to? Someone is flirting with me and she is very nice, but visually "meh" for my tastes. If I date her would it work out? I don't know how much of a barrier it would be. I think that as someone who hasn't had a girlfriend, I have this possible misconception that you have to be very attracted to the other person to have desire and yearning, which seems very important for a successful relationship and yet I don't lust after her. She is not ugly, just not beautiful, and I don't want to be a prude or rude. What do I do?

[QUOTE=Zombinie;51805096]Is it a good idea to date someone you aren't extremely attracted to? Someone is flirting with me and she is very nice, but visually "meh" for my tastes. If I date her would it work out? I don't know how much of a barrier it would be. I think that as someone who hasn't had a girlfriend, I have this possible misconception that you have to be very attracted to the other person to have desire and yearning, which seems very important for a successful relationship and yet I don't lust after her. She is not ugly, just not beautiful, and I don't want to be a prude or rude. What do I do?[/QUOTE] I had a friend who was in this position a couple years ago now, he wasn't attracted to her looks but enjoyed talking to her and wasn't too sure what to do. Long story short they've been living together for about a year now. imo noone's really "beautiful" until you get to know them properly anyway, regardless of how good they look before that

[QUOTE=Zombinie;51805096]Is it a good idea to date someone you aren't extremely attracted to? Someone is flirting with me and she is very nice, but visually "meh" for my tastes. If I date her would it work out? I don't know how much of a barrier it would be. I think that as someone who hasn't had a girlfriend, I have this possible misconception that you have to be very attracted to the other person to have desire and yearning, which seems very important for a successful relationship and yet I don't lust after her. She is not ugly, just not beautiful, and I don't want to be a prude or rude. What do I do?[/QUOTE] Depends how "meh" you feel imo. Personally looks are kind of a big deal to me, I don't think I could properly date someone I wasn't really attracted to, but it kinda just comes down to your preference. It kinda sounds like you just want a girlfriend and you're trying to talk yourself into dating someone you don't find attractive, which I don't think is a good way to do it. You should be ecstatic to be dating the person you're dating, if you even have to ask I think it's not really meant to be.

[QUOTE=srobins;51805142]You should be ecstatic to be dating the person you're dating, if you even have to ask I think it's not really meant to be.[/QUOTE] tbh this is a very good point actually

ok thanks for the advice I will wait for someone else to come along

[QUOTE=Birdman101;51803755]Hey, good on you man, it sounds like youve got some stuff figured out. As for getting back with the girl, dont overthink it. Just ask her if shes still interested.[/QUOTE] I don't even know if I want to "get her back". I mean, I guess sex would be nice, but I don't really know if we're that compatible. I mostly just want to talk to her about the transgender stuff. I feel those are two pretty selfish reasons to reach out to someone. That's why I'm hesitant.

[QUOTE=dds98;51806105]I don't even know if I want to "get her back". I mean, I guess sex would be nice, but I don't really know if we're that compatible. I mostly just want to talk to her about the transgender stuff. I feel those are two pretty selfish reasons to reach out to someone. That's why I'm hesitant.[/QUOTE] I feel you, everytime I do something it always comes back to what I can achieve or receive This isn't even the true problem for it doesn't impede anything, the problem is not being comfortable with it which is where I, and apparently you too, fail

[QUOTE=code_gs;51804906]How do you go about talking with someone you haven't in a few years? I have no idea what to say when messaging someone for the first time/out of the blue.[/QUOTE] Thing is, if you want to contact someone who you haven't had any contact with for a long while it will look like you want something. I think it will seem like you want something more than just talk, be friendly and so on. It's one of the things that makes me hesitate.

I went to the only club in town sober last night with 20 drunk friends. At first I tried to dance with them and have fun but you just feel like an idiot when you aren't drunk so I went over to the bar and got some alcohol free beer. I look around and see five girls that look like they are 16 sitting in a sofa that looks comfy as hell so I go over there and ask them if I can sit there. They immediately assume that I'm hitting on them and the one closest to me says something nasty so I sit down next to her and pull out my phone, giving the girls no attention. After a while the one next to me starts to swing her hair in a wide circle to get some attention so I turn away from them 45 degrees just to piss them off, which works and I'm actually starting to have a good time by myself in the club. After a while I decide that it's time to move so I walk over to the bar and order another alcohol free beer and start to try to get eye contact and say hi to women. I get a few smiles but nothing else (this is Sweden) so I walk over to the other bar and put my beer down. Out of nowhere comes this really hot woman with her friend and initiates a conversation with me. She seems very eager to find a guy so I try to back off a bit and get a better view of the situation. Turns out she's not actually that drunk and just very outgoing. I have a nice conversation with them and ask them to dance which they are willing to do. By this time the good looking one and me have been pretty physical. Before we go to the dance floor they want more drinks though and they end up getting really drunk. I ended up walking home because I was sober and started to feel gross. Anyway for the first time ever I had a good time being sober and alone in the club, I thought that was worth sharing.

Why were you sober tho'

He was probably driving.

or he doesn't like to drink???

No I have made a pact with one of my friends who can't drink because of his pancreas but I think I'm going to keep doing this even after he can start drinking again because I save loads of money and don't get hungover.

I'm having a serious relationship crisis guys. I tend to post pretty silly and whimsical shit here and I think some of that is me lying to myself, hindsight is a bitch. This'll be a bit of a blog post. Me and my girlfriend have been together for four and a half years now, we met at Uni and were living together for two years before moving back home. I live in Essex and she lives in Southampton. All told it's a 3 hour train journey. We've coasted along so far on monthly visits to oneanothers, but aside from that it's phone-calls and skype every day and it fucking sucks. Our weekends together are such a high, I can only speak for myself but even seeing friends and family don't make my weeks any less miserable than the weekends we get to spend together. We can do fuck-all all day and I wouldn't change it for the world. We both worked jobs that we didn't particularly like to get money to buy a place together. The issue was where that place would be. I currently love my job, I'm in the family business as a French Polisher and the business is rather respected in the county and in London. My Dad will likely be retiring in a decade or so and I hope to take it over, I already make good money and I like what I do. My girlfriend worked as a Clerk at a hospital and hated it, poor pay, no respect and a dead-end job. But it was always "It'll pay off in the end, when we get that house". It kept us going. But last year my Girlfriend started talking about going back to University. She wanted to study English. Our previous degrees did bugger-all for us, bad uni, bad course. But an experience. I realise now that I fucked about far too much and my coursework suffered for it, but I doubt I would've gotten a job in it anyway. I knew by my third year that Uni wasn't working out for me, but I stayed because I was having fun, living with her was a blast. But my Girlfriend went back to Uni, a local one, Winchester. I didn't like the idea, I never have. I don't doubt that she works hard there (her grades prove it now), but it feels like the time for Uni has come and gone. Real-life started about three years ago, like it or not. You get money to pay bills and rent and you spend what little money is left on other things and then you do it all again. I realise that I'm incredibly fortunate to have such a good job. But I still did work I didn't like at another place, just for the money. I didn't understand why my Girlfriend would put a job on the back-burner for three whole years, on the chance that an English Degree might get her what she wanted out of life. We talked it over, I said it wasn't my place to tell her what to do, and that if Uni would make her happy then I was happy. I think I was lying to myself. My girlfriend works a day a week now at her old job, so it's still shit pay but it's 20% as much because she doesn't work the other four days a week. University has become the barrier here, the speedbump in our goal to get a place together and get married. My job keeps me in Essex and London, the business is successful and the name carries weight in the right circles. I have friends and family here, this is my home. She has Uni and Family keeping her in Southampton. I'd move there if I could guarantee I had job prospects, but that's not something I can guarantee. French Polishers aren't in high-demand (it's why we can charge a bit extra on jobs), and Essex is quite a wealthy area, a lot of people who work in the City of London live here and commute in and they have the money. I can't say the same for Hampshire. I don't much like it there anyway, I only visit to see my Girlfriend. Uni courses are pretty interchangeable, an English course moreso. I've suggested several times a transfer, or the Open University, or evening classes, or summer school. And they've all been shot down. My girlfriend is running out of money fast, one day a week on minimum wage can't keep her afloat and soon it'll fall on me I suspect. She just visited for the weekend, and for that time I couldn't care about anything above. I was on cloud nine, we both were. As soon as she left, the doubts came back. I was walking away from the train station and I thought again "I can't keep doing this. Not for another two and a half years", and even that's not a guarantee. I think we might break up. I don't think I can handle this, she's my first girlfriend, but we've been through a lot together. So much work, just to fail now. I can't say that it's all on her, and I get that people change, but I just can't wrap my head around why she's doing this. She could save this, I think our relationship is worth fighting for, but she's so committed to Winchester University that "Why not try the Open University, they do a load of English courses and you could work and earn money while you do it" is shot down. I get that this post doesn't put her perspective on things, but I can barely understand that myself. Has this been a downward-slope so gradual none of us noticed? Does it all come back to Uni, am I being pig-headed for not seeing something else here? I'm a fucking wreck right now

[QUOTE=cyclocius;51812435]Wall o' text[/QUOTE] Okay we don't have her point of view but what I'm seeing is. "I'm respected and am earning money and am somewhat successful." from you and she's saying "I'm disrespected earning sod all and generally aren't having a great time." and you're getting upset that she wants to be just as important/successful/happy as you in the end. Like I see what you're getting at but it looks like you're expecting her to make a sacrifice without you having to sacrifice anything.

[QUOTE=UzumakaiPatch;51812523]Okay we don't have her point of view but what I'm seeing is. "I'm respected and am earning money and am somewhat successful." from you and she's saying "I'm disrespected earning sod all and generally aren't having a great time." and you're getting upset that she wants to be just as important/successful/happy as you in the end. Like I see what you're getting at but it looks like you're expecting her to make a sacrifice without you having to sacrifice anything.[/QUOTE] I hadn't even thought of that. I think, on reflection, my issue is that it's a great big shot in the dark at a big immediate cost. Uni is expensive and it is an undeniable roadblock on any future plans right now. I like my job, it's practical and I feel good inside when I see the finished product, but it is just a job. I realise that I'm fortunate to have it, I really do, don't get me wrong on that. I worked for a time as an IT Contractor and thought that was what I wanted to do, but after every day I'd say "What did I even do today?" and it amounted to "I crawled under a desk and pulled a plug out and put it back in again", it wasn't stimulating or engaging and there wasn't any satisfaction like I get from my current job. But it's a stable job, we're currently jamming our foot in the door to maybe be a part of the renovation of Buckingham Palace. Even if we don't get that, we get recommended elsewhere. I get steady, good money and I can't trust that if I throw that all away to go and live in Hampshire, I'd get another job that is both good money, and good for me. At least, not enough to last the two and a half years left that she's at University, all for the gamble that maybe it'll help her get a job she wants? I know that jobs aren't a certainty, especially with how the job market as it is now. But that just seems like a risk I wouldn't in good conscience take. She's a good linguist, she can speak a fair bit of Japanese and is teaching herself Korean in her spare-time. If she applied herself for the right jobs right now I think she could get a job that helps her both as a person and financially. She's already had to cancel on a big holiday that we'd been planning for 6 months to go to Seoul in South Korea, and I had flight tickets booked that we've cancelled because she can't afford it because of Uni. I really don't want to sound too disagreeable here, I of course want her to be happy, but it seems that the only way she can be is at the cost of our relationship, and I don't want that, even if I want what's best for her. [sp]Does that make me the bad guy?[/sp]

I will try to keep this problem as short as possible -go to college -share class with this one girl on Fridays -we met 3 weeks before the end of the semester -we always sat together in those lectures and talked -she seems into me -friends also said she seems into me -on last lecture (last Friday) ask for her number -told her I sometimes come to this town and meet friends of mine, so we could also hang out sometime to get to know each other -text her next day -talk a bit -she suddenly asks me when I'm visiting town, because she doesn't like texting that much -tell her I'm going to crashcourses in college next week -we could grab something to eat on Tuesday -"Sounds great :)" -suddenly realize that's valentine's day Should I bring her a valentine's gift? Does she expect that? Or would it be weird because we barely know each other? although I'm sensing some clear attraction from her side I thought about bringing a box of chocolate

You could play it safe and bring her some non rose flowers in a more fun looking arrangement that are her favorite color. Something that says "I care about you" but isn't stereotypically romantic.

Maybe the culture is different, but it sounds like it's your first date and I wouldn't bring my date anything on a first date regardless of it being valentines day. Instead you could suggest that you go for a dessert or that you "are having such a good time" that you would like to continue the date and get her something spontaneously from someone selling something valentines day related. So it looks spontaneous to her. I think that would have more of an impact and in case the date is a drag you can say bye after you've eaten and not wasted money on someone you prolly won't continue dating. But that's just my opinion.

I think we're done. Neither of us should have to be unhappy on account of the other. I hurt so fucking much

[QUOTE=RaptorJGW;51812680]I will try to keep this problem as short as possible -go to college -share class with this one girl on Fridays -we met 3 weeks before the end of the semester -we always sat together in those lectures and talked -she seems into me -friends also said she seems into me -on last lecture (last Friday) ask for her number -told her I sometimes come to this town and meet friends of mine, so we could also hang out sometime to get to know each other -text her next day -talk a bit -she suddenly asks me when I'm visiting town, because she doesn't like texting that much -tell her I'm going to crashcourses in college next week -we could grab something to eat on Tuesday -"Sounds great :)" -suddenly realize that's valentine's day Should I bring her a valentine's gift? Does she expect that? Or would it be weird because we barely know each other? although I'm sensing some clear attraction from her side I thought about bringing a box of chocolate[/QUOTE] I would just pay for dinner I think. Don't gotta get her a gift or anything. Maybe a chocolate bar or something, but just one.

Oh boy. Because of having problems with my foreskin I had to be completely circumcised. And now I gotta wait a whole month for the wounds to heal. What should I do? I never managed to not masturbate/have sex for longer than a few days. I never managed a whole week. This is gonna be a terrible time.

Yeah definitely keep yourself busy. If you have too much downtime, chances are, the temptation is gonna not be good for you.

[QUOTE=cyclocius;51813063]I think we're done. Neither of us should have to be unhappy on account of the other. I hurt so fucking much[/QUOTE] Not wanting to be with her anymore because it's unstable is fine, but you have to decide if that's what you really want. Happiness and enjoyment in a relationship are absolutely the most important thing, but if not being with her is causing the exact opposite effect and it's a weekly ordeal, then you might need to end it from not being able to handle the time apart.

[QUOTE=code_gs;51813494]Not wanting to be with her anymore because it's unstable is fine, but you have to decide if that's what you really want. Happiness and enjoyment in a relationship are absolutely the most important thing, but if not being with her is causing the exact opposite effect and it's a weekly ordeal, then you might need to end it from not being able to handle the time apart.[/QUOTE] That's pretty much what it came down to. We're not unstable or volatile or anything like that. We're both just pretty miserable when we're not together, but she's got University that makes her Happy outside of our relationship, and I want her to be happy, even if it means it's not with me. Which really sucks, but I guess that's what adults have to do. Compromises for greater good and shit. EDIT: I should say, we normally can handle the weeks apart. But I think realising that our plans of living together are being put on hold by University has amplified it somewhat and made it a lot worse.

[QUOTE=RaptorJGW;51812680]I will try to keep this problem as short as possible -go to college -share class with this one girl on Fridays -we met 3 weeks before the end of the semester -we always sat together in those lectures and talked -she seems into me -friends also said she seems into me -on last lecture (last Friday) ask for her number -told her I sometimes come to this town and meet friends of mine, so we could also hang out sometime to get to know each other -text her next day -talk a bit -she suddenly asks me when I'm visiting town, because she doesn't like texting that much -tell her I'm going to crashcourses in college next week -we could grab something to eat on Tuesday -"Sounds great :)" -suddenly realize that's valentine's day Should I bring her a valentine's gift? Does she expect that? Or would it be weird because we barely know each other? although I'm sensing some clear attraction from her side I thought about bringing a box of chocolate[/QUOTE] I'd say bring her a little chocolate with a "Hey, I realized it's Valentine's day, not bringing any chocolate would have been against the rules"