Sex, Girlfriends and Shit VII: "Power Moves For High Quality Women" - General

A few years ago a guy at my work was buzzing because he was going on a date with some hot Australian girl he met on tinder. 2 years down the line they're married with a baby and he emigrated to Australia with her. Of course not everyone gets that lucky.

the most i've learned from tinder is that aparently people of my age do not look or work or do the same stuff i do. wich makes it even harder to be interested in people around 30+

I don't really know whether this is the right place to put this, but I want to ask because some help would be nice. My girlfriend and I (we've been dating for 2 years) have started drifting apart a fair bit recently. When we were at high-school, since our school was super super small, we always hung out with each other and had the same friend group. But now that we've both graduated and I'm off studying a pretty time-intensive course, and she's at Uni doing something that's pretty intense as well. We've started talking and seeing each other less. She's started hanging out with her Uni mates more and more recently, and focusing more on hanging out and talking to them then me. We had plans to go to a Jazz gig because a friend was a part of the band. But she forgot about the gig and went to a uni party instead. Thing is so is that she didn't tell me about the party until the morning of the performance, after I asked her if she was still looking forward to going to it. The two of us don't have a very big or expansive friend group normally, so I feel as if she's on a bit of a high from making all these new friends and going to parties (something which we haven't done much of, since most of our mates aren't the "steretypical American movie party throwing" type people. (If you get what I mean.)) Because of all this I've started feeling less energised when talking to her, and on the odd chance we do see each other, I seem a little off. I know that that sends off the wrong signals to her. It's just that I can't help feeling a little upset or hurt when I see her, as what she mostly talks about is Uni parties and things which I had no idea were even happening or going on. I don't want to 1984 her or anything on those lines. I'd just like to be a little bit more in the loop of what's going on, since like I'm genuinely interested in what's going on in her life and how she's going. Especially when it affects us seeing each other, talking to each other or doing anything like that. Sorry for the super long and arduous post. Just wanted to vent.. If anyone's been in a situation kinda like this. Where you've been, not rejected, but swept aside just a little bit. What sort of stuff could I do to try and be more interesting or whatever, to actually get some quality time with her again?

[QUOTE=bdd458;52145130]It would just be nice if I got messages back on any service tbh. The last match I got on tinder that messaged me back sent me one message, and then didn't respond after that. And I've pretty much gone through the pool of OKCupid people in my area and have had very few messages back, and with most of them the conversation died quickly sadly enough. Haven't used Plenty of Fish too much cuz tbh the interface sucks ass and makes doing everything painful as hell. That's just life I suppose.[/QUOTE] The problem with Tinder is that it's pretty much a one way street as far as even a low level use is concerned. Women use it for validation (which they can receive in spades, because I've swiped as a woman on a lady friend's account - literally every second swipe was a match :v: and I would rate her, in terms of looks, to be about a 5, an office 7). I know the women in my office like to brag amongst themselves about the number of matches they have, even showing it to others and ocassionally gathering around, looking at some of the profiles and giggling. For men, it's the same thing - I know lads who do the exact same thing, but instead of laughing at them women, just parade the matches around because of how hot they look in their profiles. The reason why I've slowly gone off using online dating in general is that it seems like the discovery part, which is the fun bit imo, is taken out. A part of the rapport and "chemistry building" connection is organic conversations that allow you to take snap decisions on deal breakers. However, in the case of OKCupid or other online dating pools, the judgement tends to be a lot harsher because your available pool of potential mates is a lot larger and your preferences a lot more exacting based on the information available. I'm guilty of this myself, too, sadly. So for guys, this means you need to be a whole lot of things [I]and[/I] stand out from the crowd to even be seen. That's a hell of a lot of effort to even get a foot in the door for someone you might not even like because she's nothing like her profile. As a result, I've switched to just being more social in general and meeting new people in social situations because a) It keeps me outside and not glued to something addictive like video games, b) Forces me to cultivate interests in things that are generally good for me to do as a person like dress well and c) enjoy the company of interesting new friends.

[QUOTE=p0rtal;52146669]I don't really know whether this is the right place to put this, but I want to ask because some help would be nice. My girlfriend and I (we've been dating for 2 years) have started drifting apart a fair bit recently. When we were at high-school, since our school was super super small, we always hung out with each other and had the same friend group. But now that we've both graduated and I'm off studying a pretty time-intensive course, and she's at Uni doing something that's pretty intense as well. We've started talking and seeing each other less. She's started hanging out with her Uni mates more and more recently, and focusing more on hanging out and talking to them then me. We had plans to go to a Jazz gig because a friend was a part of the band. But she forgot about the gig and went to a uni party instead. Thing is so is that she didn't tell me about the party until the morning of the performance, after I asked her if she was still looking forward to going to it. The two of us don't have a very big or expansive friend group normally, so I feel as if she's on a bit of a high from making all these new friends and going to parties (something which we haven't done much of, since most of our mates aren't the "steretypical American movie party throwing" type people. (If you get what I mean.)) Because of all this I've started feeling less energised when talking to her, and on the odd chance we do see each other, I seem a little off. I know that that sends off the wrong signals to her. It's just that I can't help feeling a little upset or hurt when I see her, as what she mostly talks about is Uni parties and things which I had no idea were even happening or going on. I don't want to 1984 her or anything on those lines. I'd just like to be a little bit more in the loop of what's going on, since like I'm genuinely interested in what's going on in her life and how she's going. Especially when it affects us seeing each other, talking to each other or doing anything like that. Sorry for the super long and arduous post. Just wanted to vent.. If anyone's been in a situation kinda like this. Where you've been, not rejected, but swept aside just a little bit. What sort of stuff could I do to try and be more interesting or whatever, to actually get some quality time with her again?[/QUOTE] Have you talked to her about any of this? That would be my first move, just tell her what you just told us.

[QUOTE=snookypookums;52146733]As a result, I've switched to just being more social in general and meeting new people in social situations because a) It keeps me outside and not glued to something addictive like video games, b) Forces me to cultivate interests in things that are generally good for me to do as a person like dress well and c) enjoy the company of interesting new friends.[/QUOTE] social situations like what?

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;52146977]Have you talked to her about any of this? That would be my first move, just tell her what you just told us.[/QUOTE] I have, and she agrees with me that us not having talked or seen each other much recently is causing a bit of a drift. It's just that I don't know what to say or do when the reasons why we haven't caught up or talked is because she's busy doing other things. I try to open up conversations on messenger and stuff, but the quickest she responds is just a little over a day.. I don't want to be a dick and say that I feel as if she's the reason why this is happening, but it mostly is. I don't know man. Hopefully, I can bike over to hers after the gym today and talk about what's going on and stuff. Thanks for the response though. I appreciate it!

i don't know how your communication is in your rleationship, and for all I know I'm an outlier because my relationship's communication is absurdly good and i don't think my girlfriend or i have ever stewed over something because A) i can sense when something's bothering her and vice/versa, and B) we talk about any problems almost immediately to try and address them so again, were i in your shoes...what i'm hearing is that you've talked about it and she agrees that its a problem but she hasn't really done anything about it, and you know what's bothering YOU, which is basically all you can know without talking to her so if i were you i would still sit her down and be like "ok look i know the reason this is kind of bothering me is because you're always busy doing other things and it kind of feels like you're not putting me in an appropriate place on your priority list, and the fact that you don't respond within anything anyone could even call close to a reasonable amount of time to a text doesn't really help that"

[QUOTE=Zombinie;52146989]social situations like what?[/QUOTE] Here's some I've done in the past three months: a) Board game meetups b) Photography Walks c) Theatre Arts Festival Something I've been doing last year was "touristing" my own city, because I realized I know fuck all about Mumbai despite it having been established in the late 1700's and has a rich, vibrant history. So I go to TripAdvisor, pick a few "Sights of Interest" and on Saturday morning, I pack my backpack like I would as a tourist and just head out the whole day, taking pictures and seeing some cool stuff. I've made friends with loads of people who hear about this from my other social activities and join me, which makes it better because they bring friends too (that I can hit on :v:)

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;52147163]i don't know how your communication is in your rleationship, and for all I know I'm an outlier because my relationship's communication is absurdly good and i don't think my girlfriend or i have ever stewed over something because A) i can sense when something's bothering her and vice/versa, and B) we talk about any problems almost immediately to try and address them so again, were i in your shoes...what i'm hearing is that you've talked about it and she agrees that its a problem but she hasn't really done anything about it, and you know what's bothering YOU, which is basically all you can know without talking to her so if i were you i would still sit her down and be like "ok look i know the reason this is kind of bothering me is because you're always busy doing other things and it kind of feels like you're not putting me in an appropriate place on your priority list, and the fact that you don't respond within anything anyone could even call close to a reasonable amount of time to a text doesn't really help that"[/QUOTE] Cheers man. I went to her house for a bit and we talked about stuff. We'll hang out properly and talk when we both get our work out of the way. But I'm just happy that we got to see each other today and actually talk briefly about shit. Thanks a bunch for your advice dude!

Communication is key to any relationship. Dont forget that.

I'd say probably at least 75% of relationship problems can be solved by better communication. The rest is solved by compromise, which is also communication basically

Hey lads, whats your opinion on your SO being friends with (multiple) exes? Recently, I've been dating a wonderful girl who's very down to earth. I met her at my uni, she's an international student. She's been very communicative, open about everything and outspoken. But since she came here without friends, she's also been a little lonely. She barely has female friends since she's had some bad experiences with them throughout her life. She did however go through a lot of relationships (I'm the 8th, and she's soon to be 23). The issue is: she considers a lot of them to be her friends. And although she seems very trustworthy, it feels like a red flag. It's against my principles, at least. So I talked to her. I explained how I felt about it. She told me she can't distance herself from them since they are some of the few friends she still has (which I could completely understand), and she said she'll try to minimize hanging out with them if I really felt uncomfortable. She also mentioned that this is the time to think about if we should continue or not. I reacted by telling her that although I will tolerate it, this is not a get out of jail free card. For now, I don't really mind her talking to them. We've been dating for almost a month now, I can't demand her to cut off contact with anyone. But when things get serious, this could be an issue. Am I just being overly worried, or is this really a recipe for disaster? How should I react to this so that we'll both feel comfortable?

how is it against your principles?

You're definitely overly worried. Trust is paramount in a relationship. If you can't trust that she can maintain these friendships and also maintain a relationship while showing you respect, then it's pretty understandable why she's skeptical about your future together.

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;52150666]how is it against your principles?[/QUOTE] Staying friends with an ex for me personally is a no go. I do always want to part on good terms, but preferably minimal contact afterwards. Relationships rarely end with both partners having no more interest in each other. I trust her in having no more feelings for them right now, but things can change and so can the interest of those guys. The thing is, if it were to be 1 or 2 exes I wouldn't worry, but the fact that it's around 3 or 4 makes me frown. Her telling me that one of her exes placed a bet on how long this relationship will last doesn't make me happy, as does the the thought of her going to an ex to vent when stuff doesn't go well between us. I can give you many more reasons but you get my point. I understand your view guys, I respect her individuality and I do not force her into anything. But I do not see this as a 'healthy' situation for a new relationship.

of all the exes i've had there's like one or two who i can talk to. they're not friends though, they're just exs. someone i used to date.

I recently just became friends with my ex again and I don't see a problem with it -- there's not really any uncomfortable topics and we're pretty open.

[QUOTE=thermobaric;52150781]Staying friends with an ex for me personally is a no go. I do always want to part on good terms, but preferably minimal contact afterwards. Relationships rarely end with both partners having no more interest in each other. I trust her in having no more feelings for them right now, but things can change and so can the interest of those guys. The thing is, if it were to be 1 or 2 exes I wouldn't worry, but the fact that it's around 3 or 4 makes me frown. Her telling me that one of her exes placed a bet on how long this relationship will last doesn't make me happy, as does the the thought of her going to an ex to vent when stuff doesn't go well between us. I can give you many more reasons but you get my point. I understand your view guys, I respect her individuality and I do not force her into anything. But I do not see this as a 'healthy' situation for a new relationship.[/QUOTE] One of her exes placing a bet on how long your relationship should last might have to do with you being noticeably insecure about it [editline]25th April 2017[/editline] how long have you two been dating "I reacted by telling her that although I will tolerate it, this is not a get out of jail free card." this bothers me far more than i think i can accurately explain over a text forum

Like what you basically said was "we won't talk about this now but you're not off the hook" but she didn't do anything wrong??? The problem here is your opinion about her interpersonal relationships, which is entirely on you and the fact that you seem to think she's the one in the wrong here is not a good sign for you my dude also I can't imagine you've been dating that long in which case it sounds like you're heading for an ultimatum and the ultimatum is you, the insecure man dating a woman whose very existence bothers your entire moral center, or her ENTIRE friend group that she's known for years [editline]25th April 2017[/editline] wait I just saw that it's been about a month rest in peace

You know what, I'll take your advice. Believe it or not, this is the very first time this girl and I had a tough topic so it's not an issue at all. I just want the best for both of us, I always told her that and I normally do not act insecure. It's just that this topic makes me very uncertain, because I've seen some bad examples. I trust her, but this trust still has to grow with time and experience. Although I'm still on the fence, I'll tell her that I was wrong to assume the worst. We'll just have to see where the ship floats. Thanks for the advice lads. Quite tough to swallow my pride. You guys can be tough, but I guess I needed it. More than worth it for a happy relationship

Which advice are you taking because the advice alternated between swallow your insecurities and learn to trust her and break up with her because you'll never get over it

Mchammer I might have given the wrong impression but I'm gonna accept it and dont think too much of it. Believe it or not, I'm not a worst case scenario who doesn't want to listen and learn. I came here for your views since I already had a feeling my one was a bit skewed. Although I haven't told her this yet, I am slowly starting to love her and I want it to succeed. If that requires me to change my attitude, so be it. I'm not putting my head in the sand. I want to learn so that even if this doesn't work out in the end, at least I tried my best, enjoyed and learned.

Maybe you could try seeing your reaction as emotional feedback. You might have an underlying issue, and confronting it could help you (and indirectly your relationship). Usually what makes you feel most uncomfortable or hurt is where there's greatest chance to improve. Also, dont you think its your partner their responsibility to stay loyal? How she handles her friendships and past relationships is her part. Dont make hers yours, but instead take care of your own.

just let her be friends with who she wants, if you try and stop her you're a dick, if she cheats on you shes a cunt. my gf gets super jealous when i talk to girls i used to date but i'm not running around trying to get my dick sucked, because i'm happy in my relationship.

s a sensible topic for a lot of people. Cant blame anyone for feeling insecure about it, but actually letting your partner know how it makes you feel vs imposing it on others is the key. Although if they make you choose, you're fucked. You'll have to.

After months things finally make sense. My girlfriend´s birthcontrol is making her depressed. She´s going to quit taking them this month, to see if things improve (I really hope they will!). We might also try different contraception, depending on the results. I'm just glad we found the source for her problems, if this is indeed the case.

[QUOTE=Metaru;52148063]Communication is key to any relationship. Dont forget that.[/QUOTE] My first gf told me that the most important thing she learned from the broken marriage of her parents was how important communication is during a relationship. Exactly two weeks ago after more than 15 months that we've been happily together she suddenly appeared on my doorstep with my stuff in her hands, keys to my flat on top and told me that she's sorry. The last 14 days have been like hell for me. We got together at the end of 2015, both of us in our early-mid twenties. I got to know her during her apprenticeship for the company that I'm currently still working for. She had two previous relationships, however I was a newbie in that regard. Practically everything was new for me. There never was a time during the relationship when I was unhappy. Yes, we did have our rare arguments but it never came to a point when we yelled at each other or got seriously mad. She did have issues with herself tho. Mainly, that she was "behind" everyone in her age, like me or pretty much all of her friends (not meaning boyfriends here). She finished her (first) apprenticeship in January this year and I finished mine in 2011. Before she mostly worked as an intern, switching her job multiple times, never finishing a real apprenticeship. Motivating herself tends to be an issue for her and I did as best as I could to help her compensate that. During our relationship (which lasted 15 months) we went out a lot and did a lot. She wanted to go camping with me to Denmark but that was going to cost a lot and she probably wouldn't have been able to afford that, so that didn't happen. We mostly saw each other two times during the week. From a weekday to another weekday she'd stay at my place (since I'm literally living like a few minutes away from work) and during the weekend I'd visit her. Mostly from Saturday to Sunday. Sometimes I'd even stay until Monday, when I noticed that she wanted me to. So most of our relationship worked out until the end of her apprenticeship, which was, like I said, on January. As for the reason why she broke up with me she first told me that she wanted to change. She's currently triving to live more and more environmentally aware, for example drinking Tibicos or Kombucha, buying less plastic, etc. etc. And while I never did go out of my way like her, I supported her with that. So I really couldn't believe that. She went on to also tell me that she had doubts about our relationship for some time now and even talked with her mother and a friend about that (while never talking about that with me). Mainly, about how the relationship was going to continue when she finished her apprenticeship. She said that the reason for breaking up with me wasn't me, while I wasn't perfect she said that she deeply appreciated the effort and love I put into the relationship, it's just that she noticed that her love is apparently not sufficient for a relationship and how she started to get annoyed by little things, which she didn't show me of course. And while she didn't mention it I also knew that she felt like shit for the last couple of months because she's been looking for a job and couldn't get one. When she broke up with me at first I couldn't believe it. When I saw her face I thought she was going to surprise me and stay with me for the day. I was like paralised for the first couple of minutes and then I just started to cry like a fucking waterfall. She usually doesn't show when she's sad, but it also hurt her deeply to see me like that. 3 Days before we had passionate sex. 4 Days before she and I visited my grandma for her birthday and we started making plans for going out together. A week before she agreed happily when I asked her if she wanted to watch Guardians of the Galaxy 2 at the end of the month. Two weeks before I told her how much she meant to me and how much I loved her and she returned those feelings. 3 or 4 weeks ago I went to her mother's birthday (her family also meant a lot to me and I've always put effort into having a good relationship with them). Apparently she had doubts that she talked about with her mother, but not with me. After she left my flat I couldn't return to my home for like 2 or 3 days because she broke up with me there. Nobody in my family or my friends understands why she did it. She said it's not my fault and I didn't do anything in particular, that she has a high opinion of me and she's not leaving me for anyone else. But it's just something she had to do. To say that I still have issues accepting her decision would be a huge understatement.

[QUOTE=ljh;52151802]Also, dont you think its your partner their responsibility to stay loyal?[/QUOTE] It is, but I haven't told you guys that there is a story behind my questioning. When I met her (1,5 month ago) she was still in a relationship. Because of this, I didn't think about dating her at all. We just talked as friends for a while, and she was really open about her relationship. She told me that she wasn't happy with the guy, since there was no love anymore. Even though they lived together, she felt quite neglected. We talked a lot, there was a real connection between us. After a while, I started noticing that she was flirting with me. So I went on a date with her to see if there really was attraction, and how she would react to it. We ended up making out for hours in the park, quite fun and romantic. At that moment she was still in a relationship though. I know what you might be thinking: "if you date a cheating girl you are asking to get cheated upon". The thing is, with her it's sort of in a gray area since there was barely a relationship between her and her ex. A week later, she told me that she and her ex had a conversation and that they both agreed breaking up was a good decision, since she was going to move out during the summer break anyways. Right now, she's still living with him. She's looking to move out asap though, probably before June. Just to clarify, while she was still in a relationship I've never said a single bad word about her boyfriend of that time. I didn't really think too much about it, because our 'relationship' wasn't serious. She still hasn't told the ex about me, because that would be 'too soon'. Right now, I do not have a reason to mistrust her. But I find it quite hard to completely trust her at the same time. This is why I've been on the fence for a while, and sometimes my paranoia get's the better part of me. The fact that she's in contact with exes isn't the thing which causes me to concern, it's all the signs or 'flags' combined which made me question my trust. This, in combination with my upbringing (my dad went through a lot of relationships, and he shared a lot of his experiences with me) and the fact that she occasionally blowing off a date is the reason I'm 'insecure'. Like today, we planned to go to the cinema. I bought the tickets already so we would have good spots. Yesterday evening, she blew me off again because she's on her period. I get it, some women go through some pain, but is it really enough to be forced to lie down for the whole day? I told her that I didn't mind at all, that I'll go with my sis for some quality time and that she shouldn't feel bad about it. I know all this sounds really stupid guys, I'm definitely blowing this up. I'm not acting upon it, but it does feel weird. I've been thinking about it for a while, and I guess the main issue is that I'm taking everything way too serious. I'm 20, she's 22. Maybe it's for the better that I don't care too much, just have fun and see where it leads to. But that does require me to take some distance from her emotional wise. At least, at this moment. Maybe that'll change with time. I'm still quite new to relationships, she's my second. I guess these 'issues' are not worth spending time worrying about until they reveal themselves.

I don't think "if you date a cheating girl you are asking to get cheated upon.", however I do feel concerned about both of you being fine with her cheating. Her not telling her ex about it makes me think she doesn't really value honesty either. While honesty's what you need to build up trust, which is what healthy relationships consist of. I personally wouldn't ignore my feelings about the situation. Whether they are paranoia, worry or anything else. I'd question them and assert their validity. Asking yourself tough questions and discovering your emotions can help you understand yourself and handle situations better.