Sex, Girlfriends and Shit VII: "Power Moves For High Quality Women" - General

She just opened up and told me a couple months ago, when we had sex for one of the first times, I was laying down on her too hard and she couldn't speak and tell me to stop when it hurt too much. She didn't feel comfortable telling me until now. I feel like shit. I'm a monster. I don't know what to do. Any excuse would sound hollow, I can't put things into words properly when it comes to telling her how disgusted of myself I feel.

[QUOTE=reevezy67;52263540]I've been in that situation and I find it helps to try and not care. As bad as that sounds. I tried focusing on myself and my own hobbies a little more until the relationship grew and she started communicating more. Seriously do you do sport or something? Why not get really good at it?[/QUOTE] I go to the gym, I'm at uni, I work 3 days a week, and I record music when I have time and do programming, so I have hobbies. But it just makes me really anxious. We've been dating for four months. That's a while to have not had a talk about where we're at. I've been trying to focus on my stuff but it's tough, because I have problems with anxiety & depression and I'm seeing a psych about it (my next appt is mid June, so a while away), but I'm not really getting any validation from her and it's really making me freak out and bringing me down. And to top it off if these are legit issues with communication, that's fine but it's definitely hard to trust that your problems with the relationship are legit. I think I want to hash some things out with her this friday. I want to tell her that I don't want to go that party she invited me to if there's going to be cocaine there, and I want to ask her where we're at, and if we're official I want to make a small suggestion that our communication needs work. Does this seem like a good idea? I figure if she reacts really poorly then thats my cue to call it quits. But I've worked myself up into such a state about it half of me wants to cut & run and just ditch [editline]23rd May 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=_Axel;52264172]She just opened up and told me a couple months ago, when we had sex for one of the first times, I was laying down on her too hard and she couldn't speak and tell me to stop when it hurt too much. She didn't feel comfortable telling me until now. I feel like shit. I'm a monster. I don't know what to do. Any excuse would sound hollow, I can't put things into words properly when it comes to telling her how disgusted of myself I feel.[/QUOTE] I understand where the shame you're feeling comes from, but just be aware - you're not a monster for this having happened. It was a sucky mistake, but that's all. The way you're feeling now is a sign you're actually a good person, but try not to beat yourself up too much about it. You didn't know. There was no way you could have known, so this isn't a reflection on you in any way.

[QUOTE=killerteacup;52264274]I understand where the shame you're feeling comes from, but just be aware - you're not a monster for this having happened. It was a sucky mistake, but that's all. The way you're feeling now is a sign you're actually a good person, but try not to beat yourself up too much about it. You didn't know. There was no way you could have known, so this isn't a reflection on you in any way.[/QUOTE] She says I couldn't have known, that it wasn't my fault. I still believe I could and should have avoided this. Now she says that after this episode, she's felt lost when it comes to what she wants, and now that she feels like telling me about all these issues, she has come to the conclusion that she wants an open relationship. I'm fucking lost and nauseous, I just want to puke. I don't know what to do.

I can only give my point of view, don't take it as gospel. From the sound of things she wants to end things but isn't confident enough to just do it, it's also possible she is having problems with the lack of sex or maybe she's just testing you. From what I've read you don't seem like you would like an open relationship. It's probably hard, but I'd just tell her no and ask her why she wants that. Be strong.

[QUOTE=reevezy67;52264819]I can only give my point of view, don't take it as gospel. From the sound of things she wants to end things but isn't confident enough to just do it, it's also possible she is having problems with the lack of sex or maybe she's just testing you. From what I've read you don't seem like you would like an open relationship. It's probably hard, but I'd just tell her no and ask her why she wants that. Be strong.[/QUOTE] "She doesn't know" Still digging. It seems her explanation is inconsistent. She says she wants to stay with me, that she's still afraid to lose me. When I asked her about a conversation we had a week ago about her being afraid I'd "meet someone else", she said all of it is true, when I asked if she was already thinking about it at this time, she said no. So she allegedly came to a conclusion she's certain about after less than a week of thinking. [editline]23rd May 2017[/editline] One of the reasons, apparently, is that she read an account on the internet of a woman who had never been able to have pleasant sex with her first boyfriend, and once she tried with the second one it worked perfectly.

Honestly, it's not just up to you when it comes to sex. If she's hurting, she should tell you. She can even guide you, tell you what she likes (which I know can be hard if you guys haven't had a lot of sex). You made a mistake, and that's it. Don't get too beat up about it.

[QUOTE=_Axel;52264889]"She doesn't know" Still digging. It seems her explanation is inconsistent. She says she wants to stay with me, that she's still afraid to lose me. When I asked her about a conversation we had a week ago about her being afraid I'd "meet someone else", she said all of it is true, when I asked if she was already thinking about it at this time, she said no. So she allegedly came to a conclusion she's certain about after less than a week of thinking. [editline]23rd May 2017[/editline] One of the reasons, apparently, is that she read an account on the internet of a woman who had never been able to have pleasant sex with her first boyfriend, and once she tried with the second one it worked perfectly.[/QUOTE] That last reason is solid bullshit tbh It sounds like your girlfriend might be the sort of person who tries to work out her feelings by verbalising every little thing even if it's not rational until she comes to a conclusion about them. Great for her thought process to have someone like you to bounce off, not so great for the other person who is left to process a lot of pretty shitty things and try to distinguish what's reasonable and what's not. Ie maybe she's unhappy with the distance. That's fair and should be addressed. The shit about the sex being better with someone else, that's just a crap and unnecessary thing to communicate

saying "i read a story where someone hated sex with one person and then tried it with another person that loved it" TO the "one person" in the story basically means "i want to fuck other people"

[QUOTE=killerteacup;52266252]That last reason is solid bullshit tbh It sounds like your girlfriend might be the sort of person who tries to work out her feelings by verbalising every little thing even if it's not rational until she comes to a conclusion about them. Great for her thought process to have someone like you to bounce off, not so great for the other person who is left to process a lot of pretty shitty things and try to distinguish what's reasonable and what's not. Ie maybe she's unhappy with the distance. That's fair and should be addressed. The shit about the sex being better with someone else, that's just a crap and unnecessary thing to communicate[/QUOTE] That's not really it, she's the opposite kind of person. She doesn't talk about important things and problems unless pressured to do so, or unless she can't keep bottling things up anymore. She's been telling me about distance being hard for her, about missing me for about as long as I've been abroad. I've told her to stay strong, we Skyped almost daily to try to make up for it, it was hard for me as well. I tried to see her on weekends whenever possible. What she's not been telling me is everything she told me the last few days. She did say she was sad before, but always because she missed me, not because she felt undesired or hurt by what I've done. Supposedly she hesitated to tell me about those things because she didn't want to hurt me. When I told her that I would prefer her to tell me about this kind of concerns ASAP, that I would prefer her not to avoid making me sad for one day and being sad herself for months as a result, she started being somewhat angry at me for "never being content" about her amount of disclosure, and said "not every truth deserves to be told". She feels like she's being interrogated, and hates talking about deep, personal issues, especially to people she doesn't know. When I proposed to see a therapist for her vaginism issue, she refused at first. Then a few weeks ago she had enough of this problem and accepted to take an appointment. Now she's back to refusing it, saying she's "a woman, not a humanitarian mission". Apparently she feels humiliated that I would consider her to be sick, she also has a phobia of doctors and needles because of bad past experiences. The last few days have been a torrent of flip-flops on her part. At first, what she said about the account she saw (which was about curing vaginism by trying with other people, sorry if that was unclear) was that she didn't want it to be like that for her. Now she's telling me it's one of the reasons behind her want to open the relationship. At first, when I told her I was under the impression she was going to say she wanted to see other people, she said she "never thought of that", now she says she's certain she wants it. Then when I ask her what else she's not telling me, she lashes at me for thinking she's "hiding something", but when I put her in front of her own contradictions, she clams up, like she always do when she needs to tell me something but doesn't want to. Now she insisted that we stop talking about this, that this is leading nowhere. After trying to get her to open up to me, I just gave up. I guess that's weakness on my part, but I wanted to hear loving things from her again. But it felt forced and fake, and the way she hung up after saying "love you" was by hitting her mouse button hard, like out of frustration. We're supposed to spend the 4 days weekend which starts on Thursday together, and go see my family. I have a gut feeling you guys are right about this, that she met someone else and is waiting for the weekend to end to dump me. I just can't process why the woman I loved, who told me I was the only person she ever had such strong feelings for, with whom I talked about the far future because we were so certain that our relationship was rock solid, would do this to me.

if fucking other dudes would work then so would a toy she just wants to fuck other people imo get out while you can

I'm starting to think about that, yes. It's fucking hard, though. But the more I speak to her the more I'm beginning to hate her for abusing my kindness and trampling my feelings for her, all because of her refusal to properly communicate. It's just that, I met her at a rather low point of my life, and she helped me gain self-esteem again, made me know how it feels to feel loved by someone. We spent so much time together, and built so many good memories, that it's part of pretty much everything I've done in the past year and a half. It's hard to throw out a year of one's life, to make the decision to erase it when this was the only time during which you felt truly happy. This was my first relationship, and until now I felt it could be one that would last until I die of old age, this is such a high cloud to crash down from and I've no idea how an actual, post-several-years breakup feels. Closest feeling I experienced was when someone who I'd been "dating" for a week changed her mind because she met someone else, and I had barely just come out of the resulting hole three months later when I met my GF. I don't know how I would feel after losing something several orders of magnitude closer to my heart. Sorry for the unraveled thoughts, it's hard for me to express myself without going on tangents right now. This probably seems pathetic to the outside observer.

Don't worry about it. Just know she's evidently not a good person and you deserve better.

Then there's the mundane but no less hurtful parts. I left a lot of my stuff at her home for the duration of my internship, so I'm going to have to come pick that up eventually. There's also this gift she made me for my birthday. She noticed how much I loved my family and secretly called them to have them each make me a little painting to express their love for me, she also made one herself. I remember being really touched, and I don't know what I'd do with it. It's not only a show of affection on her part, but also on the part of everyone I care for.

I have very little relationship experience and am not currently in a relationship, but relevant to Axel, has a woman wanting an open relationship EVER worked out for a man at all? If a girlfriend told me she wanted an open relationship, I would just give her an ultimatum.

Open relationships can certainly work. It just requires a ton of communication between partners, and you have to be open about everything.

[QUOTE=Spetsnaz95;52268248]Open relationships can certainly work. It just requires a ton of communication between partners, and you have to be open about everything.[/QUOTE] Really sounds like something my GF wouldn't be capable of in any case.

[QUOTE=elevate;52268230]I have very little relationship experience and am not currently in a relationship, but relevant to Axel, has a woman wanting an open relationship EVER worked out for a man at all? If a girlfriend told me she wanted an open relationship, I would just give her an ultimatum.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Spetsnaz95;52268248]Open relationships can certainly work. It just requires a ton of communication between partners, and you have to be open about everything.[/QUOTE] Apologies for the ignorant post a while ago. I thought I was on the same page as everyone else, but upon learning that my opinion was unpopular, I had to right this wrong. I come to these threads to vent and learn, and I found some thought-provoking material in this thread: [url]https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/33rf07/an_straight_open_relationship_is_not_fair_for_the/[/url] Not to make this about me, but my problem with open relationships is that given that the man and woman are otherwise equal, open relationships unbalance the relationship in favor of the woman because by default, women get more sexual attention. There are shy women and handsome guys out there that alter this balance but that is often not the case. From the above thread, I believe an open relationship would work if the partner, man or woman, was willing to work with the other partner to address any inadequacies and restore balance to the relationship, whether that means helping the other partner get sex, or even solving self-esteem, jealousy, or depression issues as a result of the open relationship. That is, the person initiating the open relationship still cares about their partner and is not merely being selfish. If your problems with an open relationship involve self-esteem, jealousy, or depression, I ought to take my own advice I've given to others in the past and realize that each person should hold themselves to their own standards and not to the standards of others because genetic and environmental factors all affect how capable we are of things. Therefore, it may be reasonable not to be jealous of women for getting more sexual attention, considering all other factors are equal, because that is just the way things are, and there is little anyone can do about it. The most important thing, however, is consent, and it seems that in Axel's case, consent has not been provided. Furthermore, his girlfriend does not seem to care about Axel's needs and is not willing to work with him. If this comes off as rambling, or if anyone has any problems with my reasoning, let me know.

If it were me and my girlfriend I'd give an ultimatum. I'm monogamous, I'd tell her if she wanted to fuck other guys that's fine but we're over. About the not opening up thing, I've actually dealt with that. Now my response might be a bit controversial but it's worked pretty well. I told her I'd try to stop probing her, but don't expect me to stop overnight, it's part of my personality to talk things through. Anyway six months of changing my mindset(wasn't easy) and not bothering her and she actually started to open up a little, and I started to appreciate her for how she was. Sure I could have dumped her and looked for someone that communicated more like I do, but I'm not regretting what I did, I think I'm a lot stronger and less insecure now.

I've read that the kind of passion lovers feel at first for each other is rarely eternal, that after 1 to 3 years it starts to take a backseat and that's where phantasms about other people and attraction of novelty come in. Apparently it is normal for a couple to go through that stage at some point, and since she's never been in a relationship this long before, this might be where her fears come from. Perhaps that's why she feels she wouldn't be able to keep being with me with our relationship remaining exclusive.

[QUOTE=_Axel;52269395]I've read that the kind of passion lovers feel at first for each other is rarely eternal, that after 1 to 3 years it starts to take a backseat and that's where phantasms about other people and attraction of novelty come in. Apparently it is normal for a couple to go through that stage at some point, and since she's never been in a relationship this long before, this might be where her fears come from. Perhaps that's why she feels she wouldn't be able to keep being with me with our relationship remaining exclusive.[/QUOTE] As mentioned above, coming out of the honeymoon stage is totally normal. Unfortunately sometimes instead of developing into a less passionate (but still healthy) relationship, it develops into a moment of clarity of "Oh shit this person isn't who I actually see myself with". And sometimes you're already in so deep that actually ending things is HARD. Which is how people cheat. Or use the open relationship excuse to go boyfriend/girlfriend shopping without having to go through the single phase. Not saying that's every case though. There's a definitely a group of people that can successfully do open relationships.

people keep talking about the "honeymoon stage" but my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 18 months and I'm pretty sure we still look like we've been dating for like six weeks, we're just obnoxious

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;52272042]people keep talking about the "honeymoon stage" but my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 18 months and I'm pretty sure we still look like we've been dating for like six weeks, we're just obnoxious[/QUOTE] I was like that way with my first GF for about a year -- it differs for a lot of people, but there will come a point where it doesn't necessarily become "boring," but you do have to somewhat start taking it more seriously. It's just because of how life and emotional maturity progresses over time, but the end of the honey moon phase is not necessarily a bad thing nor does it mean y'all stop having fun. This is a great video I saw on it in middle school and has stayed very true over the years: [video=youtube;tSdELZxEnHY]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY[/video]

The honeymoon stage has a lot of different effects, depending how aware of it you are and different people. Bf and I have been together for like 5 years now, something like that at least. At some point it moves from being new and exciting to being regular and comfortable, at least in a good relationship. Eventually regular becomes routine, and that tends to be where a lot of people have trouble adjusting, depending what that routine is like

My bf is in the honeymoon stage I think, but I ammm not lol. But I think that's more because I'm not a very "romantic" person to begin with.

i mean we spend our nights cuddling on the couch and watching spongebob and we're moving in together in august but i literally had a waitress ask me earlier this week how long we'd been together then again i did also have a waitress ask me if we were married or on our honeymoon so i have no idea how we're presenting to other people

[QUOTE=StrawberryClock;52264019]Yeah, I have no issue with it but like they never really have anything to say but idle chat that doesn't really go anywhere. I do my best to ask them meaningful questions like what are they studying in, what are their hobbies etc. and they usually reciprocate but it just keep going on and on and on. It's like they don't know themselves what they want and it keeps happening.[/QUOTE] To give an update to this, I've been working a long time on a good first message for dating websites (at least, OkCupid) and it seems like I might have found something that drives home the fact that first and foremost I want to meet them while still giving them the initiative and not coming across as pushy/creepy/lazy. I had to look up a LOT of different synonyms. [QUOTE]I was wondering if you'd be game for meeting up over a cup of coffee to chat a bit? I find you compelling and I'd like to get to know you better.[/QUOTE] So many people in their profile put "don't message me just hi" that I don't even preface it with that. I go straight to the point. I don't know if it's a coincidence but I've already got 2 dates lined up since I've been using that template. Fingers crossed. Feels free to use it and tell me if it does any good for you. Of course, I have a pretty developed yet still concise profile description and some good pictures to accompany the whole things so it's not something you should ignore. I've just been on OkCupid on and off for the past 2 years and never managed to actually get a date and the only thing I changed in the past week is my opening message.

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;52272042]people keep talking about the "honeymoon stage" but my girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 18 months and I'm pretty sure we still look like we've been dating for like six weeks, we're just obnoxious[/QUOTE] My first honeymoon stage lasted for like two years. It's definitely an awesome thing to experience. But I guess I'm becoming jaded or something since it seems like they get shorter each time.

[QUOTE=Meller Yeller;52271866]As mentioned above, coming out of the honeymoon stage is totally normal. Unfortunately sometimes instead of developing into a less passionate (but still healthy) relationship, it develops into a moment of clarity of "Oh shit this person isn't who I actually see myself with".[/QUOTE] What is there that can be done if the latter happens, or to ensure it doesn't beforehand? I want to ensure our relationship remains healthy and I don't think passion alone kept it together, but that it happens right now when I can rarely see her makes things much harder.

[QUOTE=_Axel;52273339]What is there that can be done if the latter happens, or to ensure it doesn't beforehand? I want to ensure our relationship remains healthy and I don't think passion alone kept it together, but that it happens right now when I can rarely see her makes things much harder.[/QUOTE] You can't really force someone to care about the relationship as much as you do. I've actually been in the position of trying to do that and it just created more issues.

[QUOTE=Meller Yeller;52273467]You can't really force someone to care about the relationship as much as you do. I've actually been in the position of trying to do that and it just created more issues.[/QUOTE] So all you can do is make a gamble every few years? This is really depressing.