Sex, Girlfriends and Shit VII: "Power Moves For High Quality Women" - General

People will be people. No one is perfect and no one is really 100% predictable. People fall in and out of love, people decide that what they want is different from what they have. People are ever changing and when you form a relationship with someone, platonic, romantic, or even familial, that relationship is [I]always[/I] subject to change. That's not to say there isn't stability present in a lot of relationships but nothing is ever guaranteed. When you start a romantic relationship, you really are saying, I'm taking this chance that this will work out. But what makes a difference is whether or not you realize that relationships do not have to be infinite to be worthwhile. Yes, sometimes romantic relationships may end, but that doesn't mean you're not fit to be in a relationship nor does it mean that you in particular did something wrong. Your girlfriend sounds like she might be going through some stuff but she also sounds like she's not willing to come up with any sort of solution. Relationships are about finding a compromise, sometimes, and if there isn't anything she's telling you that's making it sound like she [I]wants[/I] to make it work then the distance might just be a little too much for her to handle. But Meller Yeller is right, you can't force someone to feel something, but you can make your best efforts to make things work. However, without her input and effort, then your half of it will likely be mostly fruitless. Seeing relationships as a gamble isn't really a healthy way to process them but at the same time, seeing relationships as this "IT MUST LAST FOREVER OR ELSE WHY BOTHER" thing isn't healthy either. Sometimes for the better, you have to bring something to an end or a close to ensure that both of you have better chances at being content and happy. Give it some thought. Talk to her more. If she seems unwilling to make some kind of input as to how things can still continue then she might already be making up her mind.

[QUOTE=_Axel;52273339]What is there that can be done if the latter happens, or to ensure it doesn't beforehand? I want to ensure our relationship remains healthy and I don't think passion alone kept it together, but that it happens right now when I can rarely see her makes things much harder.[/QUOTE] The only thing you can do is make sure that the relationship stays on the positive side. Be yourself and have a lot of fun together. Also, listen carefully to any criticism she gives you. Be open for change and improvement. And the last hint: don't sweat it (like me in my current 'relationship'). It's been a while since I posted an update. It's been going great, tons of fun and good feelings in general. The honeymoon feeling is pretty strong on my side (might be because she's my second), but it's literally not present at all on hers. No biggie though, she wants to take it slow and I give her all the time she needs. But sometimes, I do miss a little bit of this romantic vibe, and I might've been pushing a little too hard to obtain that. She told me I could be "demanding" sometimes, took that criticism well and I'm going to give her more space. The only criticism on my part is that sometimes, it feels like I'm on a leech. I wanna go 100% for her, but she gives me the feeling that there is a chance that she won't fall "in love". She tells me she just has to see, which kinda bummed me out a little bit. It's not that I can't handle that uncertainty, but it isn't nice that I have to 'play cool'.

I'm still in contact with my ex, we write each other like every few days or so. It's been six weeks since she broke up with me. I try to occupy myself with other things, like looking into buying a new car and a new computer, playing games with my friends and trying to go out more but at the end of the day I always end up thinking about her. So I also went and asked her if she has any plans this weekend (since we get like 30°C and lots of sunshine) and she said that she hasn't and now I don't know what to do. I really want to ask her but then again I don't want to push her and honestly I'm afraid that she might decline. Fuck, I'm 25 and this (past) relationship makes me feel like I just barely passed kindergarden.

[QUOTE=uber.;52276872]I'm still in contact with my ex, we write each other like every few days or so. It's been six weeks since she broke up with me. I try to occupy myself with other things, like looking into buying a new car and a new computer, playing games with my friends and trying to go out more but at the end of the day I always end up thinking about her. So I also went and asked her if she has any plans this weekend (since we get like 30°C and lots of sunshine) and she said that she hasn't and now I don't know what to do. I really want to ask her but then again I don't want to push her and honestly I'm afraid that she might decline. Fuck, I'm 25 and this (past) relationship makes me feel like I just barely passed kindergarden.[/QUOTE] Why'd you guys break up in the first place?

Do you have a physical hobby? The endorphin do wonders, it takes a bit to get a routine going though. I'm a firm believer of doing something you love. I really enjoy cycling, but there's no way I could go to the gym all the time. I do it sometimes because I need a core for cycling but I'd never go to gym just to get fit or look good. But some people enjoy the gym too.

[QUOTE=uber.;52276872]I'm still in contact with my ex, we write each other like every few days or so. It's been six weeks since she broke up with me. I try to occupy myself with other things, like looking into buying a new car and a new computer, playing games with my friends and trying to go out more but at the end of the day I always end up thinking about her. So I also went and asked her if she has any plans this weekend (since we get like 30°C and lots of sunshine) and she said that she hasn't and now I don't know what to do. I really want to ask her but then again I don't want to push her and honestly I'm afraid that she might decline. Fuck, I'm 25 and this (past) relationship makes me feel like I just barely passed kindergarden.[/QUOTE] I think you have to be honest with yourself, I'm 23 and just broke up with my girlfriend of 1 year about a week ago. I have cried probably 4 different days now, and just saw I have a text from her. I broke up with her, because although we had really great memories and I spent the majority of my time with her, I realized that I wasn't being completely honest with her on how I felt. She'd want more romantic times together, while I wanted to be by myself. She talked about getting married, and moving in together, while all I could think about was going out with other people and living by myself while I'm in college. I won't get in to the all the times we fought, and all the other little details that led to our breakup. I know I'm speaking to you, but this message is a little for myself too, so sorry for the rant, haven't been able to put this into words till now. [B]TLDR[/B]; What I'm getting at is you should message her and if she declines, you should let her have her space. Sometimes two people can love each other like me and my girlfriend but feel differently. I miss my girlfriend so much, but what we had to me wasn't healthy. I know she misses me, and even told me that I changed her perspective on relationships. But I'm not going to drag her through the mud even though she'll let me, just so I don't feel lonely.

She replied back that she didn't make any plans for the weekend, so I asked her if she wants to make plans and she answered "Don't know yet" with a smiley. Oh well, could have gone worse. [QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;52277404]Why'd you guys break up in the first place?[/QUOTE] A bit of she doesn't love me as much as I'd deserve it, combined with how she wanted to change (She's technically without a job since January, and has some other issues like feeling she's "behind everyone else in her age") and how she probably can't have a relationship right now. [QUOTE=Warrior59;52277428]I think you have to be honest with yourself, I'm 23 and just broke up with my girlfriend of 1 year about a week ago. I have cried probably 4 different days now, and just saw I have a text from her. I broke up with her, because although we had really great memories and I spent the majority of my time with her, I realized that I wasn't being completely honest with her on how I felt. She'd want more romantic times together, while I wanted to be by myself. She talked about getting married, and moving in together, while all I could think about was going out with other people and living by myself while I'm in college. I won't get in to the all the times we fought, and all the other little details that led to our breakup. I know I'm speaking to you, but this message is a little for myself too, so sorry for the rant, haven't been able to put this into words till now. [B]TLDR[/B]; What I'm getting at is you should message her and if she declines, you should let her have her space. Sometimes two people can love each other like me and my girlfriend but feel differently. I miss my girlfriend so much, but what we had to me wasn't healthy. I know she misses me, and even told me that I changed her perspective on relationships. But I'm not going to drag her through the mud even though she'll let me, just so I don't feel lonely.[/QUOTE] I need to leave now cause I'm already late for meeting with some friends, so I can't properly answer right now, I'll do that later. But what I do want to say is that I think I can relate to some parts of what you went through. Of course some things are different for me, but like I said, I'll get back at ya later.

[QUOTE=Pascall;52273625]People will be people. No one is perfect and no one is really 100% predictable. People fall in and out of love, people decide that what they want is different from what they have. People are ever changing and when you form a relationship with someone, platonic, romantic, or even familial, that relationship is [I]always[/I] subject to change. That's not to say there isn't stability present in a lot of relationships but nothing is ever guaranteed. When you start a romantic relationship, you really are saying, I'm taking this chance that this will work out. But what makes a difference is whether or not you realize that relationships do not have to be infinite to be worthwhile. Yes, sometimes romantic relationships may end, but that doesn't mean you're not fit to be in a relationship nor does it mean that you in particular did something wrong. Your girlfriend sounds like she might be going through some stuff but she also sounds like she's not willing to come up with any sort of solution. Relationships are about finding a compromise, sometimes, and if there isn't anything she's telling you that's making it sound like she [I]wants[/I] to make it work then the distance might just be a little too much for her to handle. But Meller Yeller is right, you can't force someone to feel something, but you can make your best efforts to make things work. However, without her input and effort, then your half of it will likely be mostly fruitless. Seeing relationships as a gamble isn't really a healthy way to process them but at the same time, seeing relationships as this "IT MUST LAST FOREVER OR ELSE WHY BOTHER" thing isn't healthy either. Sometimes for the better, you have to bring something to an end or a close to ensure that both of you have better chances at being content and happy. Give it some thought. Talk to her more. If she seems unwilling to make some kind of input as to how things can still continue then she might already be making up her mind.[/QUOTE] I guess you're right, it's not a good mindset to think a relationship has to last forever to be worth it, but if all it leaves behind is great memories that just hurt to think back to, then what good does it make?

Relationships teach you how to manage your feelings and emotions. They teach you compromise and how to work with someone to ensure that you're both doing what you can to contribute to the relationship. They teach you that relationships don't have to be finite to know that you shared something with someone at [I]some[/I] point. Yeah, sometimes they can leave some bad memories, but those memories aren't going to be so oppressive forever. I've had some bad relationships in the past that were nearly traumatizing, but I can still pluck something I learned from them. Even if it was that I have to treat [I]myself[/I] with patience and respect. Every relationship can teach you something, good or bad.

[QUOTE=_Axel;52277628]I guess you're right, it's not a good mindset to think a relationship has to last forever to be worth it, but if all it leaves behind is great memories that just hurt to think back to, then what good does it make?[/QUOTE] Over time, it gets easier to look back on memories like those at face value, and realize that they haven't stopped being good memories. At some point in your life, somebody might do something that hurts you. They can apologize, but apologizing doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt. The same thing happens when you make happy memories with people. They might eventually abandon you or turn against you, but that doesn't mean that the good times stopped being good. Just means that [I]new[/I] good times aren't [i]currently[/i] happening with that person.

[QUOTE=_Axel;52277628]I guess you're right, it's not a good mindset to think a relationship has to last forever to be worth it, but if all it leaves behind is great memories that just hurt to think back to, then what good does it make?[/QUOTE] The sentimental value attached to a memory will not fade no matter what's happened between that memory and the present

[QUOTE=killerteacup;52264274]I go to the gym, I'm at uni, I work 3 days a week, and I record music when I have time and do programming, so I have hobbies. But it just makes me really anxious. We've been dating for four months. That's a while to have not had a talk about where we're at. I've been trying to focus on my stuff but it's tough, because I have problems with anxiety & depression and I'm seeing a psych about it (my next appt is mid June, so a while away), but I'm not really getting any validation from her and it's really making me freak out and bringing me down. And to top it off if these are legit issues with communication, that's fine but it's definitely hard to trust that your problems with the relationship are legit. I think I want to hash some things out with her this friday. I want to tell her that I don't want to go that party she invited me to if there's going to be cocaine there, and I want to ask her where we're at, and if we're official I want to make a small suggestion that our communication needs work. Does this seem like a good idea? I figure if she reacts really poorly then thats my cue to call it quits. But I've worked myself up into such a state about it half of me wants to cut & run and just ditch[/QUOTE] Update on this: We went out last night, and I planned to hash things out with her, but despite her saying how uncomfortable she was with words and stuff, she actually brought it up with me! We spoke a lot and agreed we'd need to work on some stuff, but we're both willing, and with that I brought up whether or not we were in a relationship - she said she just sort of knew we were in a committed thing and didn't feel that we needed to discuss seeing as she was staying every Friday. Then she actually thanked me for sticking around, saying she knew she was difficult and so on. I don't think that, I think she's great. So now we're in a relationship. She's awesome. I hope things work out, I'm happy.

So it's me and my gf's 9 year anniversary tomorrow, we're also going to announce to our extended family/friends that we're officially engaged too so that is pretty cool :v: In a slightly different timeline where we hadn't gotten together I would probably not have been in any relationships and still be living at home and her life might have been a lot worse than it is now, so it's just really good fortune that we got together at all and have then made it this far.

[QUOTE=Warrior59;52277428]I think you have to be honest with yourself, I'm 23 and just broke up with my girlfriend of 1 year about a week ago. I have cried probably 4 different days now, and just saw I have a text from her. I broke up with her, because although we had really great memories and I spent the majority of my time with her, I realized that I wasn't being completely honest with her on how I felt. She'd want more romantic times together, while I wanted to be by myself. She talked about getting married, and moving in together, while all I could think about was going out with other people and living by myself while I'm in college. I won't get in to the all the times we fought, and all the other little details that led to our breakup. I know I'm speaking to you, but this message is a little for myself too, so sorry for the rant, haven't been able to put this into words till now. [B]TLDR[/B]; What I'm getting at is you should message her and if she declines, you should let her have her space. Sometimes two people can love each other like me and my girlfriend but feel differently. I miss my girlfriend so much, but what we had to me wasn't healthy. I know she misses me, and even told me that I changed her perspective on relationships. But I'm not going to drag her through the mud even though she'll let me, just so I don't feel lonely.[/QUOTE] There's been enough time for me to reflect upon the relationship that we had and you know it's not like I'm actively trying to surpress any memories of fights or differences that we had. We had them. However things never got out of hand, like we never yelled at each other or something because of it. Biggest issue was imo that she never openly talked about things that concerned her. She argued later it wouldn't help, that it would even only hurt her, but that can't really be a good way to deal with things now, right? She talked about everything else, like family issues and other really personal stuff. Just never about anything else that directly affected her. Like, three weeks after she broke up with me she told me how shitty she felt for being without a job for months. She argued that there was nothing I could have said or done to make her feel better or even change her situation so it was something she had to deal with all by herself. And at that moment hearing that really hurt me. Because I wanted to be there for her. Because I noticed that she felt bad but didn't want to say anything because I didn't know what to do. And even though she said she didn't want any help I know now that I should have done something. Anything. And I also started to think that maybe she visited her family that often because she needed comfort. And not her mother. And now for the important part, and I'm trying to say this in the most respectful way that I can. Her self-perception is ridiculous. She broke up with me giving me reasons which still sound, again, ridiculous. I still respect her. I still love her. I think she is one of the, if not the most amazing person I ever got meet. She said that she broke up with me because little things started to annoy her but wasn't able to actually name a single thing. She said that she wanted to change but so far she literally changed nothing. And it's not even that our relationship was detrimental to her life. She just spends way too much time with her family. Even though she moved out she still goes there at least three times a week (that's just the regular visits) to a point where she often neglected her own life. And when I say often I mean often. She neglected her career, even though knowing that her apprenticeship would end she started looking for a job way too late to the point where it actually was too late. She neglected her (actually decent) car multiple times to the point where she drove with a broken wheel bearing for months even though her repair shop told her that it was really urgent. For the last one or two months before she broke up with me her flat was in a state where she wouldn't even let me in because it desperately needed a cleaning. She applied way too late for unemployment benefits and thus had to deal with money issues. And on the week she broke up with me, which was Easter, we had 2 bank holidays. 2. So that's like 4 days of work and having 4 days off. You know how much time she would have had for me? One day. You know how much time she planned for her family? Five. Five days. And I was and would have been able to deal with all the things above. Not because of pity. Or because she had sex with me. But because I felt like I understood her. And I felt like she understood me. And because (and I don't care how stupid this sounds) I, from the bottom of my heart, loved her. And probably still do because I'm a fool.

It sounds like she was barely able to keep herself afloat, let alone a relationship. I get that you're frustrated about her breaking up even though you wanted to help her out, but like she said: she's having personal issues. Some of which could be very personal (as in psychological), which she has to solve herself. If I were you, I wouldn't take it personally. You did what you could, but she didn't want a helping hand. Some people go through stages in their life where they can't use an SO. Look mate, I know it's quite hard to make peace with a situation like this because in your mind, all this could've been averted. But remember that just because she was the one to break up doesn't mean it's your fault.

Got really nothing to say except you're right on point. And it's not that I blame myself. I do still care about her anyway. At least enough to keep in contact.

This is purely my opinion: If I were you, I would take at least a small break of contact between you and your ex. I say this because of 2 reasons: 1. You seem to have had a real close connection with her. And although something beautiful as that is worth cherishing as a friendship, it puts a lot of mental stress on you. It is hard to go from lovers to friends. You have to give yourself some time to cut off the strings of attachment, so you can be true friends later. 2. The reason why she broke up is probably because she needed space in the first place. Give her the time she needs, and good things will follow.

thermobaric has made some really good points, and I just want to add from what I read and how I understand it. Relationship issues are never one sided, and you may wish you done things differently like you said, and you may start to remember things in a new perspective and how you should have done this or that. I think you guys breaking up was a good thing, you're both in a relationship, you are not her caretaker. You shouldn't expect yourself to do all those things for her, and I feel if she really wanted your help, she would've moved passed the games of "No, I'm fine....". Again this is from how I am understanding this relationship, in a brief paragraph on an internet forum. It looks like you wanted more time with her, and she wasn't giving you a chance to have more time. She rather spend it with her family, and neglect other things in her life like her house, car, and even you. But I agree that space is the best solution here, as she needs to get a handle on her own life, before she starts trying to share it with someone else.

Discord has worked better for me than Tinder :v: 2 irl dates off discord, 1 off tinder

[QUOTE=Psycho9182;52291385]Discord has worked better for me than Tinder :v: 2 irl dates off discord, 1 off tinder[/QUOTE] I got tired of being the only girl surrounded by mostly straight white dudes on my friend group's Discord server, so I went to Reddit to look for new friends. Now our Discord is swarming with lesbians and it's fucking great. [editline]30th May 2017[/editline] Except one of them has unreturned feelings for me, so I have the opposite problem of you right now.

had a blind date last night that was great but when it ended she wouldn't let me walk her to her car, and I just knew it was over. And haven't heard from her since Atleast I had a good ass time; nothing ventured, nothing gained

so it turns out my housemate can basically hear everything that goes on in my room if he's in his room, i thought our walls were thicker than they apparently are that is not good to know

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;52291846]so it turns out my housemate can basically hear everything that goes on in my room if he's in his room, i thought our walls were thicker than they apparently are that is not good to know[/QUOTE] Well, at least two of you now know what it sounds like when you're beating it.

i've never heard him do that and i don't think he can hear me do that either but my girlfriend's been getting increasingly dirtier with the things she's saying when we bone and i know he's heard it all now

Speaking of, I find dirty talk pretty difficult.

[QUOTE=reevezy67;52295206]Speaking of, I find dirty talk pretty difficult.[/QUOTE] If you think dirty talk is difficult try German dirty talk. [sp]"Ess dein Schnitzel, sonst kriegst du keinen Nachtisch!"[/sp]

Haha, I can do a little in (maybe slightly broken)Chinese. 你今晚躺下都交给我，我负责。 把腿分开。 你好好吃。 Please let this be a thing that continues to happen.

[QUOTE=Psycho9182;52291385]Discord has worked better for me than Tinder :v: 2 irl dates off discord, 1 off tinder[/QUOTE] How da heck are you scoring those discord dates?

What's the age cutoff for it being excusable to have no idea what you're doing when it comes to sex? I really feel like I missed the acceptable window of opportunity.

Depends on what you mean by "having no idea what you're doing". I mean there's the level of not-knowing where you just having really done it before which is fine at any age tbh. And then there's the level of not knowing basic concepts like consent, foreplay, penetration, etc which you should do some research on if you really don't know anything. I mean ultimately it's not a huge deal if you don't know these things but as long as you're willing to learn it's fine.