Sex, Girlfriends and Shit VII: "Power Moves For High Quality Women" - General

I don't want to offend you. But to be honest she seems like a really big headache, and I don't get the feeling she's making you very happy anymore?

[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;52555628]I don't want to offend you. But to be honest she seems like a really big headache, and I don't get the feeling she's making you very happy anymore?[/QUOTE] Definitely spent more time stressing and feeling like shit these last 3 months than feeling happy with her. Last week started nicely, and to be honest a good portion of that was being able to have actual, enjoyable sex that lasts till the end after a year and a half of trying. Cuddling was nice at times, until she went from begging me to go back home and hug her to saying I'm "too clingy" and want to hug too much. But yeah, other than those breathes of fresh air I wouldn't say that's an enjoyable relationship. I was hoping the state we were in at the beginning of the week would be there to stay, she was pretty much her former self at that time. I guess that was just a happy coincidence.

[QUOTE=_Axel;52555690]Definitely spent more time stressing and feeling like shit these last 3 months than feeling happy with her. Last week started nicely, and to be honest a good portion of that was being able to have actual, enjoyable sex that lasts till the end after a year and a half of trying. Cuddling was nice at times, until she went from begging me to go back home and hug her to saying I'm "too clingy" and want to hug too much. But yeah, other than those breathes of fresh air I wouldn't say that's an enjoyable relationship. I was hoping the state we were in at the beginning of the week would be there to stay, she was pretty much her former self at that time. I guess that was just a happy coincidence.[/QUOTE] I'm horrible at noticing anything people-related, but from what you've said, it honestly seems like time to bail. She sounds inconsiderate as fuck when it comes to you, you say you're not really happy with her and there's more red flags than there are in a nazi march.

Kinda ended in an "accidental" LDR - met a girl on Tinder and we dated for 3 weeks, but she went back to the US around ten days ago (though we've been messaging each other a lot); I think she's great, and she's very obviously into me; she's also pretty impulsive, which I'm not really, and she has already booked tickets to go back to Denmark in November. Generally I wouldn't go for a LDR, but as she can't cancel the tickets (without losing the money) - and obviously because I like her and want to see her again - we agreed to give it a go. I'm generally not one who chats all that much and has a Skype conversation running in the background while doing other things (though I guess I'll just have to work on that), and obviously time zones are an issue as well. Anyway, anyone got some advice on how to make stuff work out? Any experiences with what worked and what didn't? PS. I also didn't plan to get into a relationship right now, considering my ex broke up with me just 3.5 months ago or so. I feel like I got some distance (though I feel some melancholy once in a while), but maybe I'm not as "over it" as I may think. I also don't know if "Why not?" is really the best justification, either, but I feel like it'd be kinda silly not to go for it? To be honest, I wouldn't have considered it an option if she hadn't already bought the ticket (though I don't feel it's a bad thing either) - so it's a kind of weird situation considering how I usually go about dating - pretty slowly.

I'm probably not the best person to give this sort of advice, but I think at least if you're in a "Why not?" mentality there's not much that can go wrong. If neither of you need each other's company that badly and are doing this in a "let's see where this goes" way there's no reason either will feel neglected.

Hi guys, I'm about to enter a long distance relationship with a girl I really like and I'm just wondering if you guys had any specific advice on what I should be doing. I know general things like a lot of communication, and I've done medium distance before where I was 4 hours away from my gf at the time, but if anyone here has been in a ldr and made it work, I'd like to know what went well and what didn't. Thanks in advance for any help!

[QUOTE=GoDong-DK;52558356]Kinda ended in an "accidental" LDR - met a girl on Tinder and we dated for 3 weeks, but she went back to the US around ten days ago (though we've been messaging each other a lot); I think she's great, and she's very obviously into me; she's also pretty impulsive, which I'm not really, and she has already booked tickets to go back to Denmark in November. Generally I wouldn't go for a LDR, but as she can't cancel the tickets (without losing the money) - and obviously because I like her and want to see her again - we agreed to give it a go. I'm generally not one who chats all that much and has a Skype conversation running in the background while doing other things (though I guess I'll just have to work on that), and obviously time zones are an issue as well. Anyway, anyone got some advice on how to make stuff work out? Any experiences with what worked and what didn't? PS. I also didn't plan to get into a relationship right now, considering my ex broke up with me just 3.5 months ago or so. I feel like I got some distance (though I feel some melancholy once in a while), but maybe I'm not as "over it" as I may think. I also don't know if "Why not?" is really the best justification, either, but I feel like it'd be kinda silly not to go for it? To be honest, I wouldn't have considered it an option if she hadn't already bought the ticket (though I don't feel it's a bad thing either) - so it's a kind of weird situation considering how I usually go about dating - pretty slowly.[/QUOTE] why even enter a relationship if it's only been three weeks? it'll be much easier to just stay in contact and pick things up where they left off when she's back, with no pressure of a relationship it'll be a good sign if you two still do kick it off when she does return

[QUOTE=Valdor;52560504]why even enter a relationship if it's only been three weeks? it'll be much easier to just stay in contact and pick things up where they left off when she's back, with no pressure of a relationship it'll be a good sign if you two still do kick it off when she does return[/QUOTE] Because we've been writing each other so much and I guess we both would feel weird with doing that, having the expectation of being together in November, and still fool around with others before then. It just kinda felt natural, but I suppose we also both like "commitment" - personally I don't think I'd feel good about getting with someone else when she's coming here, and if you got exclusivity and you chat all the time, it's basically a relationship in all but name.

[QUOTE=Pascall;52548172]That's absolutely cheating behavior. She's acting like a coy 16-year-old. Get out of that relationship.[/QUOTE] It's done. Did it via text since she didn't want me to call or Skype her. She wasn't too upset about it, surprisingly. Said she wasn't happy anymore either, and was unsure about her feelings, that she respects my decision if I think it's the right one.

Ex contacts me after a year and I feel like shit

[QUOTE=Kabstrac;52561761]By the sounds of it, I'd be surprised if she was upset. The next important step for you is to cut all contact, don't let her have direct contact with you[/QUOTE] I told her it would be better if we could stop talking unless it's necessary, the issue though is I have some stuff at her place which I'll have to come pick up sooner or later. Her last text was "Have fun, I'm going clubbing tonight" which I already knew, kind of an unnecessary thing to specify... I deleted all the photos I could find, I also trashed any memorabilia I came across when going through my bags, wallet and phone case. I thought I'd feel liberated after committing to doing it, but although the gnawing feeling of uncertainty isn't there anymore, I feel like shit all the same. I go to the gym every day since Wednesday, I spend time with my family, play games or watch stuff on the net to take my mind off things, I've even tried meditating, but no matter what I can't stay focused and I let parasitic thoughts get in.

[QUOTE=_Axel;52563191]I told her it would be better if we could stop talking unless it's necessary, the issue though is I have some stuff at her place which I'll have to come pick up sooner or later. Her last text was "[B]Have fun, I'm going clubbing tonight[/B]" which I already knew, kind of an unnecessary thing to specify... I deleted all the photos I could find, I also trashed any memorabilia I came across when going through my bags, wallet and phone case. I thought I'd feel liberated after committing to doing it, but although the gnawing feeling of uncertainty isn't there anymore, I feel like shit all the same. I go to the gym every day since Wednesday, I spend time with my family, play games or watch stuff on the net to take my mind off things, I've even tried meditating, but no matter what I can't stay focused and I let parasitic thoughts get in.[/QUOTE] You feel like shit when her reaction to a breakup is to go clubbing? You need to get your stuff out of there pronto. And only pick it up if you actually need it - otherwise leave it and stay no contact.

I'd just take the loss on the stuff tbh, unless you really need it it's probably better to not go back

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52563227]You feel like shit when her reaction to a breakup is to go clubbing?[/QUOTE] That's not a reaction, she even told me about it a week ago, she was already planning to go clubbing with her friends (the same ones she hung out with last Friday and Saturday night) this Friday night. I don't feel like shit because I think leaving her hurts her, if that wasn't clear. If anything I feel she has been waiting for me to do it for a long time. [QUOTE]You need to get your stuff out of there pronto. And only pick it up if you actually need it - otherwise leave it and stay no contact.[/QUOTE] Well, it's my desktop PC + lots of clothes, not really something I can afford to leave there. I'll just take a detour before moving in with my friends when I return to Paris at the end of the month. Her family will be back by then. [editline]12th August 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=doom1337;52563233]I'd just take the loss on the stuff tbh, unless you really need it it's probably better to not go back[/QUOTE] What's the main risk exactly, that she tries to make me feel more like shit? Or attempt to do something more stupid?

[QUOTE=_Axel;52563237]That's not a reaction, she even told me about it a week ago, she was already planning to go clubbing with her friends (the same ones she hung out with last Friday and Saturday night) this Friday night. Well, it's my desktop PC + lots of clothes, not really something I can afford to leave there. I'll just take a detour before moving in with my friends when I return to Paris at the end of the month. Her family will be back by then.[/QUOTE] Leaving that there for such a long time.. I wouldn't advise it.

[QUOTE=darksoul69;52563262]Leaving that there for such a long time.. wouldn't advise it. She may decide to throw it out thinking you don't want it back.[/QUOTE] I don't really have a choice, Toulouse and Paris are 700km apart, it's not like I can get there on a whim. She already told me "you can come get your stuff back anytime", I'll just tell her I'll come take it near the end of the month. I doubt she'll do something stupid. And as I said, her parents will be there, and they know I'm trustworthy, so if she does that sort of stuff I can always tell them about it. I doubt she'd want to explain it to them considering she prefers not to tell them anything important unless it's absolutely unnecessary. She probably won't tell them we broke up until the very last minute.

[QUOTE=_Axel;52563191]I told her it would be better if we could stop talking unless it's necessary, the issue though is I have some stuff at her place which I'll have to come pick up sooner or later. Her last text was "Have fun, I'm going clubbing tonight" which I already knew, kind of an unnecessary thing to specify... I deleted all the photos I could find, I also trashed any memorabilia I came across when going through my bags, wallet and phone case. I thought I'd feel liberated after committing to doing it, but although the gnawing feeling of uncertainty isn't there anymore, I feel like shit all the same. I go to the gym every day since Wednesday, I spend time with my family, play games or watch stuff on the net to take my mind off things, I've even tried meditating, but no matter what I can't stay focused and I let parasitic thoughts get in.[/QUOTE] Here's the thing with feelings, you can't just ignore them. They don't go away. You actually do have to let yourself feel them, accept that yeah you feel like crap but you know it was the better choice for both of you. Yes it sucks, yes you feel like shit, yes you wish it could have gone a different way. But you know it has gone the way it has and that is simply the way it is. Let yourself be upset for a bit, feel the feelings, then you can start to get over them. Just shoving the feelings away then getting upset your feeling them really doesn't help deal with them at all. Talk to someone irl too if you can, its not wrong to be upset and sharing can help.

"Have fun, I'm going clubbing" sounds like code for "gonna get clubbed by french wieners"

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;52563534]"Have fun, I'm going clubbing" sounds like code for "gonna get clubbed by french wieners"[/QUOTE] She's gonna be disappointed by the Parisian stuff then, nothing's better than Toulouse sausage.

[QUOTE=_Axel;52563772]She's gonna be disappointed by the Parisian stuff then, nothing's better than Toulouse sausage.[/QUOTE] honestly she sounds like a right fucking child, you're well shot of her easily

[QUOTE=Rhenae;52563452]Here's the thing with feelings, you can't just ignore them. They don't go away. You actually do have to let yourself feel them, accept that yeah you feel like crap but you know it was the better choice for both of you. Yes it sucks, yes you feel like shit, yes you wish it could have gone a different way. But you know it has gone the way it has and that is simply the way it is. Let yourself be upset for a bit, feel the feelings, then you can start to get over them. Just shoving the feelings away then getting upset your feeling them really doesn't help deal with them at all. Talk to someone irl too if you can, its not wrong to be upset and sharing can help.[/QUOTE] I don't mean to reject or shove away those feelings, but I don't want to dwell on them, cloistered in my room with no activity, either. Last time I "broke up" with a [I]1 week[/I] "girlfriend" I dwelled on it for several months, didn't feel like going out with friends, spent most of the day sleeping, and basically didn't get over it until I met my now ex-girlfriend. I don't want to act the same way for a girl I spent orders of magnitude more time with, it would be unmanageable. I want to take care of myself, regain confidence, and move on. I've talked about it extensively to my family, it does help a lot, at some point there isn't much left to say though.

We proud of you :')

[QUOTE=RenegadeCop;52574107]Update on my life: living together has been great. Not as much sex as expected, but its been 3 months and no complaints. We both do what we can to keep up our household and we just live together in harmony. EZ[/QUOTE] I'm guessing you and your SO moved in, I'm too lazy to go find your post My gf and I are about to do that, we're looking into moving in about two weeks from now to our new apartment. She's living in my room right now basically since her lease was up a few days ago, so I'm sort of in the same boat. The sex thing is kinda also true, I've noticed. Part of it is that she's having a stressful few weeks and so it's not quite as frequent as I'd like, but also I think a thing that's hard to remember is that you still need to like...go on dates. Be a couple. You can't just be roommates that fuck, that's not going to last. I'm still a little irritated that we're only doing stuff once every like ten days, but quality > quantity and I'm okay with that. I'm hoping once we settle in it'll be a bit more frequent.

I def think guys go into living together expecting to have more sex than happens. Like unless we go out and do something special its just same thing every day so not much reason to have the urge to do that either? Vs when your not living together which inherently makes it more of a do it when ya see each other cause you cant always. Like I see my bf day in day out we could fuck literally any tin if the day, novelty of that wears off pretty quick :v: edit: crap ive been off here so long i forget how to do smileys

yeah true i'm in a little bit of a different situation, my gf has a lot of anxiety and a lot of hangups about intimacy from some stuff that happened to her earlier in life so sometimes when we go out on a nice date or something she spends the entire date worrying that the date will end in us doing stuff because "what if we start and then i decide i don't want to?" and i feel like there's an easy answer to that (we don't do the thing we were gonna do) but she still has a lot of anxiety about it which i kinda dont get because there's never been any situation where that wasn't abundantly clear, but whatever i guess i'm hoping she gets some help with it eventually and i've noticed she seems a lot better and more confident now than she was a year ago so i'm sure it'll work itself out eventually, but it's a little annoying. i mean i'm not taking her on dates with the idea that like "hell yeah we went out to a nice restaurant so now we can go home and i can just destroy her" but part of me still feels like that's kind of the point of a date, it's like the ultimate intimacy as a result we've basically only been doing it on weekends and in the morning. which again, is basically fine but since we both have to get up really to work we basically just don't do anything on weekdays as a result and we were busy this weekend so we couldnt do anything so its currently been approximately nine days and im starting to get a little frustrated about it but i don't know how to bring it up without her thinking it's her fault or something

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;52578156]yeah true i'm in a little bit of a different situation, my gf has a lot of anxiety and a lot of hangups about intimacy from some stuff that happened to her earlier in life so sometimes when we go out on a nice date or something she spends the entire date worrying that the date will end in us doing stuff because "what if we start and then i decide i don't want to?" and i feel like there's an easy answer to that (we don't do the thing we were gonna do) but she still has a lot of anxiety about it which i kinda dont get because there's never been any situation where that wasn't abundantly clear, but whatever i guess i'm hoping she gets some help with it eventually and i've noticed she seems a lot better and more confident now than she was a year ago so i'm sure it'll work itself out eventually, but it's a little annoying. i mean i'm not taking her on dates with the idea that like "hell yeah we went out to a nice restaurant so now we can go home and i can just destroy her" but part of me still feels like that's kind of the point of a date, it's like the ultimate intimacy as a result we've basically only been doing it on weekends and in the morning. which again, is basically fine but since we both have to get up really to work we basically just don't do anything on weekdays as a result and we were busy this weekend so we couldnt do anything so its currently been approximately nine days and im starting to get a little frustrated about it but i don't know how to bring it up without her thinking it's her fault or something[/QUOTE] Ok, as someone who also has anxiety around this I have two things. 1. There is no way for you to bring it up without blaming it on her because ultimately she is the reason, you want to but she doesn't. 2. Please be very aware of how you talk about all of this with her. I've had some trouble with sex, and it lead to a lot of frustration for my bf and I where he would ask all the time and it would just make me want to less and the biggest problem I had that was reinforcing my issues was how he would react if I said no or wanted to stop. He would stop, and be ok with it, but he would whine or complain or really in any sense go wow is me or "ok" in that dissapointed tone. And if I didn't want to sometimes he ended up pressing, not really meaning it to be an issue but just asking again the same night or just little stuff to try to convince me or get me into it and that resulted in a lot more anxiety around it for me. Ended up in a few times we had sex I really really didn't want to and it was not good. If she has a serious anxiety about this I'm really gonna ask you to be super sensitive about how things you say to her could come off in worst case scenario, cause that is what anxiety can make it. You can only have sex if you both really want to, please try to keep in mind any pressure your putting on her cause what I found is that any pressure on me made it so much worse, and it also meant that even if I wanted to I would end up not suggesting sex because then it would become A Thing in a sense? This might not all be applicable to your situation but it's something fairly important to me to point out so hopefully you can find something useful in it.

oh yeah of course i've never pushedi t at all and any time we've started something and she's said no i've 100% dropped it and reassured her that it was okay. i don't think that's really the problem, i think it's just one of those things that she's hung up on even if it's not necessarily rational

E = MC, from what you've said it seems like you are very sensible and caring. Really: great job on that, it's not always easy to deal with sexual frustration. About you trying to bring it up without blaming her, I guess it is possible with the right approach. Instead of starting with "I feel like ... , I would like ... what do you think?, you could go for "I've been noticing that ... is there any particular reason why it still happens around me, and is there a way to make it easier for you?". Starting a sensitive topic with talking about her feelings helps her feel understood instead of being blamed. Later, you could tell her how you would like to see it and try to reach for a mutual understanding / agreement. Couple of tips: -Keep the conversation positive. Instead of bringing it up like an issue, you bring it up as 'a topic which could be improved'. -You seem to already do this, but reassure her that it's not a big deal and that she has all the time in the world to improve it. This may not be 100% true, but 'trust' issues like these do take time and pressure is the opposite of what you want. -Never mention her fear as 'irrational', even if it's true. It still is your point of view. For her it's legit. Good luck mate, tell us how it went.

i brought it up nicely and casually and we talked about it and we're on the same page about it and after about ten minutes she was like "okay so low key this conversation is making me really horny" and then i D E S T R O Y E D her it was good problem solved

Hey guys, havent posted here is a while, figured Id [del]rub in my success[/del] share an update. Still with the same girl, our wedding is set for next august, and I just started making payments on a house. Good exciting things happening. On the sex front, nothing new mainly. She doesnt have much libido on the pill. We did have some pretty good camping sex a few weeks ago though.