Sex, Girlfriends and Shit VII: "Power Moves For High Quality Women" - General

Past trauma, inability to experience sexual attraction despite being in sexual situations with people I have feelings for, high libido but absolute zero desire to carry anything out with another individual. Just made more sense to put myself in that category and made me feel less terrible about it. Still makes me nervous to have to explain it to people but it's nice that it's not a thing that is just wrong with me and other people have similar feelings and experiences. Being able to be within a community of people who have experienced the same things and feelings makes it easier to cope with. [editline]3rd April 2016[/editline] Whether or not that's what I actually am, ultimately, it's nice to have the label for right now while I feel the way I do.

ah I understand. apologies for making you bring that up if it makes you nervous.

So I'm currently in a long distance relationship, and my girlfriend told me that she wants me to buy her a toy. I have no clue what to get though, it's kind of intimidating. Any advice on this sort of stuff?

[QUOTE=cardfan212;50064253]So I'm currently in a long distance relationship, and my girlfriend told me that she wants me to buy her a toy. I have no clue what to get though, it's kind of intimidating. Any advice on this sort of stuff?[/QUOTE] I've always been a big fan of GI Joe, although that's a little old-school for today's dating scene. Maybe just play it safe with some Legos?

[QUOTE=srobins;50064285]I've always been a big fan of GI Joe, although that's a little old-school for today's dating scene. Maybe just play it safe with some Legos?[/QUOTE] lego is very expensive but if you buy her mega bloks she'll be very disappointed.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50064129]Past trauma, inability to experience sexual attraction despite being in sexual situations with people I have feelings for, high libido but absolute zero desire to carry anything out with another individual. Just made more sense to put myself in that category and made me feel less terrible about it. Still makes me nervous to have to explain it to people but it's nice that it's not a thing that is just wrong with me and other people have similar feelings and experiences. Being able to be within a community of people who have experienced the same things and feelings makes it easier to cope with. [editline]3rd April 2016[/editline] Whether or not that's what I actually am, ultimately, it's nice to have the label for right now while I feel the way I do.[/QUOTE] It sounds like your situation would be classified as sexual aversion. It's common for people with past sexual trauma to go through what you're going through - it's also possible to work past it, and counseling is an option if it's something you're unhappy with. It might help to look into group counseling for victims of trauma - you may find that a lot of women in those groups experience the same sexual aversion that you do.

[QUOTE=cardfan212;50064253]So I'm currently in a long distance relationship, and my girlfriend told me that she wants me to buy her a toy. I have no clue what to get though, it's kind of intimidating. Any advice on this sort of stuff?[/QUOTE] Probably should start with a simple vibrator. Something discrete, if she lives with other people. [editline]3rd April 2016[/editline] [QUOTE=Guy Mannly;50064338]It sounds like your situation would be classified as sexual aversion. It's common for people with past sexual trauma to go through what you're going through - it's also possible to work past it, and counseling is an option if it's something you're unhappy with. It might help to look into group counseling for victims of trauma - you may find that a lot of women in those groups experience the same sexual aversion that you do.[/QUOTE] Yeah that's probably what it is too, but ultimately, I'm not in a position where I [I]want[/I] to work past it. I'm comfortable as I am now and I do have a therapist to talk to about things like that. Most therapists will really only encourage me to "get out there and try it with someone you're comfortable with" which doesn't really help since I don't want to in general. And putting it as something that "needs to be worked with" will really only open up the avenue for guys who want to "fix" me which is something I do not need or want ever.

[QUOTE=Pascall;50064366]Yeah that's probably what it is too, but ultimately, I'm not in a position where I [I]want[/I] to work past it. I'm comfortable as I am now and I do have a therapist to talk to about things like that. Most therapists will really only encourage me to "get out there and try it with someone you're comfortable with" which doesn't really help since I don't want to in general. And putting it as something that "needs to be worked with" will really only open up the avenue for guys who want to "fix" me which is something I do not need or want ever.[/QUOTE] I can definitely understand not wanting to give guys the impression they can "fix" you. I also can see how it's easier to explain it as asexuality without talking about the trauma that led to it - I've always had a hard time talking with my partners about my past trauma as well because I didn't want to seem like a charity case. That said, in regards to being comfortable (and I don't mean to sound pushy here, this is just something to ask yourself) - is it something you're comfortable with in the sense that you actually like how things are and are genuinely happy this way, or are you just not uncomfortable enough to want to deal with the discomfort of trying to heal? Ultimately any aversion or phobia is something you have to deliberately expose yourself to in order to get over, and if you do choose to go that route, it definitely is going to be uncomfortable at first. I wouldn't say to just "get out there" and try to work on it with someone you don't know or trust, but maybe it's worth keeping an open mind about trying to be intimate in the future when you're with someone you feel comfortable and safe with.

I think a good way to put it is I'm not happy with how [I]not[/I] having sex is such a strange thing that I have to consistently explain it. I'm not happy with what happened to me in the past. But I AM happy with myself as I am. I don't need sex right now to be happy and I don't want to pressure myself into having it just because it's seen by the majority as normal and necessary for intimacy to happen. Idk. It's complicated. But ultimately I am okay with myself. I'm not sitting around every night regretting that I can't or don't want to have sex. I still do things for myself if need be and I'm comfortable with that. [editline]4th April 2016[/editline] I am open to the idea that it can change in the future, though.

I think the confusion might just come from how you worded it. When you say high libido that's saying you have a high desire for sex, though you immediately followed that with you feeling no drive to have sex with others.

Libido to me just means like. I have a desire for relief but that doesn't necessarily mean getting that relief with another person. Masturbation is a thing.

Nah even with people I'm comfortable with in other aspects I'm still not bothered to consider sex with. its also just a large absence of sexual interest in general. idk how else you want me to explain it I don't fully understand it myself and it's a thing I deal with currently and I worry about it for various reasons so

It's a real trip.

Five years? That's...huh. Weird.

[QUOTE=RenegadeCop;50077186]I told her I'm waiting until I get my life together after I graduate college before I consider proposing, [b]but I'm honestly waiting for her to truly trust me and become more secure about herself.[/b][/QUOTE] It seems contradictory to say you want her to truly trust you when you're not being forward about your reasons for holding off. Chances are she sees that insincerity in your reasoning and sees that there are things you're unhappy with but are not expressing and that's contributing to her lack of trust.

Okay so I am really in a panic right now and I need advice on this situation as soon as possible because I honestly DO NOT know what the fuck is going on right now. So the other night my girlfriend and I were having just a usual casual movie night. She lives alone in an apartment so it's all cool and stuff with that so like we're typically able to do whatever we like wherever we like whenever we're hanging out. But anyway, we finished watching our movie and I was really feeling tired at this point because we were also several drinks in and I honestly just wanted to go off to sleep. She insisted that we watch another movie and me, being the charming guy I am, let her put on another movie. Anyway, between movies she asked if I wanted a snack and I figured I probably should eat something so I could sober up a little. So while she was in the kitchen she left her phone on the coffee table and someone started calling her. I decided to answer her phone. It was a number from our area code but I didn't recognize it. I answered it and immediately the person on the other line hung up. I thought nothing of it. I didn't tell her that someone called since I assumed it was a wrong number. Okay so we started eating popcorn and watching some shitty adam sandler film and we got about halfway through when we heard a loud knock on the door. She told me she would answer it and honestly it seemed as if she was expecting someone which I found odd and even told her I would answer it since it was like 2 in the morning. She insisted that I did not go to the door. So she goes out of the room and around the corner to where her front door is in the kitchen. Right when I heard her feet touch the hardwood floor of the kitchen this fuck on the outside of the door breaks the door off the fucking hinges and rushes into the kitchen, apparently socking my girlfriend in the face and then running into the living room yelling nonsense at me and then proceeding to try to rip me off the couch. I managed a good kick to his drunk face and got him on the ground. I hurried to the kitchen to make sure my girlfriend was alright and she started to tell me about the whole situation so she could fuck up my life even more than it already was from things she's done in the past. So apparently this guy has been seeing my girlfriend for who knows how fucking long, got shit faced and decided to drive over drunk to her apartment and attack her out of the assumption that I was the one in an affair. SO THIS DRUNK ASS GUY WAS APPARENTLY ALSO IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AT THIS SAME TIME!! I didn't even bother to call the police at this point. I was just too shocked and I just don't even know what the fuck I was to do. I honestly got up and drove home despite being a little buzzed. Either way, I haven't talked to her since Saturday night when this all happened and she hasn't talked to me. I honestly really miss her and I'm concerned for her safety despite how filthy of a human being she was to me because that man had no self control it seemed. Should I even care at this point? I mean, it was a shit hole of a relationship anyway but I just don't know if I should try to help before Mr. "Please Knock" decides to barrel his way into someone's house again.

dude noooo run awayyyy

Jesus fucking Christ, dude If it were me I would work with my (now ex) GF to press charges, go through with that and cut contact with her completely after they've been properly dealt with.

[QUOTE=blerb;50078705]Jesus fucking Christ, dude If it were me I would work with my (now ex) GF to press charges, go through with that and cut contact with her completely after they've been properly dealt with.[/QUOTE] Fuck that, I'd just leave, she doesn't deserve anything

[QUOTE=Pascall;50064503]I think a good way to put it is I'm not happy with how [I]not[/I] having sex is such a strange thing that I have to consistently explain it. I'm not happy with what happened to me in the past. But I AM happy with myself as I am. I don't need sex right now to be happy and I don't want to pressure myself into having it just because it's seen by the majority as normal and necessary for intimacy to happen. Idk. It's complicated. But ultimately I am okay with myself. I'm not sitting around every night regretting that I can't or don't want to have sex. I still do things for myself if need be and I'm comfortable with that. [editline]4th April 2016[/editline] I am open to the idea that it can change in the future, though.[/QUOTE] I'm exactly the same way, i didn't realise this was so odd. If something comes along cool, but i'm not gonna spend all my time fretting about getting into a relationship or getting laid.

[QUOTE=metallics;50078781]Fuck that, I'd just leave, she doesn't deserve anything[/QUOTE] Pretty sure she didn't deserve to be assaulted, regardless. It's kinda fucked up what she did, but at the very least, making sure she can hopefully keep herself from being further injured or even killed is just basic courtesy for another person. Unless she doesn't want help then idk then it can be left alone. But yeah I would not go back to her either way.

Woo, my dick's back in business. :dance:

[QUOTE=Pascall;50080166]Pretty sure she didn't deserve to be assaulted, regardless. It's kinda fucked up what she did, but at the very least, making sure she can hopefully keep herself from being further injured or even killed is just basic courtesy for another person. Unless she doesn't want help then idk then it can be left alone. But yeah I would not go back to her either way.[/QUOTE] In the immediate aftermath, sure but now time has passed? He's not responsible for her personal safety and there is unlikely to be anything he can do to help.

As long as police got involved initially, then it's fine. Just meant that if he decided to ignore the issue entirely and disregard asking for the authorities to get involved in a blatant case of domestic abuse, then that's not putting him in a very good position at all. Not asking for him to hold her hand through it though.

My girlfriend does not like to talk about things when she's upset because it "reminds her of the bad feelings." So usually when I try and talk to her about it she either changes the subject or says one thing and then immediately says "forget it, nevermind, it's fine" then changes the subject. Any advice for what I should do when she's distressed?

[QUOTE=psychojake;50089753]My girlfriend does not like to talk about things when she's upset because it "reminds her of the bad feelings." So usually when I try and talk to her about it she either changes the subject or says one thing and then immediately says "forget it, nevermind, it's fine" then changes the subject. Any advice for what I should do when she's distressed?[/QUOTE] Talk about things when she's [B][U]not[/U][/B] upset. I take it she's not upset 24/7.

Well yeah, I've tried bringing a few things up that we never addressed later when we're both calm and the same thing happens. She says she doesn't like to talk about bad things and then changes the subject.

What a complicated woman

that's not complicated at all wtf, some people just don't like to, or don't know how to, deal with emotions and will try to avoid them as long as possible by not thinking about them. talking about them forces them to think about it, thus bringing back emotions and making a negative reaction not really that difficult of a situation, she just needs to learn to deal with her emotions instead of pushing them away. which isn't exactly easy, but it's doable

[QUOTE=Dysentery;50090410]that's not complicated at all wtf, some people just don't like to, or don't know how to, deal with emotions and will try to avoid them as long as possible by not thinking about them. talking about them forces them to think about it, thus bringing back emotions and making a negative reaction not really that difficult of a situation, she just needs to learn to deal with her emotions instead of pushing them away. which isn't exactly easy, but it's doable[/QUOTE] When you're in a relationship and you keep stacking unresolved drama, because you can't deal with emotions and talk shit over, even though you're not doing it on purpose, you're pretty much neglecting your partner's feelings and creating tension in the relationship. If it got to the point where your partner feels frustrated, because every time he tries solving an issue with you, he feels that he's stepping through a minefield and whatever wrong words he picks explode into even more frustration and drama, then you're being complicated. This is terrible. And it's not something you can expect your partner to be able to fix. I sure have been on that boat a few times with different people and it's hell. Instead it just becomes something emotionally exhausting in the relationship. No wonder he's starting to look for answers outside the relationship.