Sex, Girlfriends and Shit VII: "Power Moves For High Quality Women" - General

bit of an update on [url=https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1499584&p=50845145&viewfull=1#post50845145] the last thing I spoke about here [/url] she broke up with me. But it's been a complete shitshow since then; went to talk about the breakup and ended up trying to get a hotel room (luckily everywhere was full), she decided she'd changed her mind, couple days later totally takes it back, has treated me like dirt ever since. Her best friend died a fornight after, and i think has taken most of the anger of it out on me. There's been no real closure apart from confusion and frustration, so messaged her asking to meet up to get it all out on the table. Managed to make me absolutely bawl down the phone to her when she called out of the blue last sunday. in that phone call, she said we could meet but not to talk about us but to be friends, and that she doesn't want to talk about us anymore, and that she can just as easily not meet at all. She was really harsh then. I messaged her on friday night asking if she'd figure out when she wanted to meet up, but saw it and hadn't replied since. The issue is that she's on my course at university, albiet the year above - but she's a part of my core friendgroup.. which means it's completely unavoidable bumping into her. I originally wanted to meet with her to try and make her understand how hard it's been for me, but now I want to meet her so I can say to her face how horribly she's treated me, and that I deserve some shred of respect.. but seeing her still makes my heart skip. I had hoped I didn't bump into her today, but unfortunately managed to walking into my lecture. I noticed her, got a rush of rage and frustration and sadness, and just walked straight past her. I'm pretty sure she noticed me when she then walked past queuing to get in. Still hasn't said anything. I've been speaking to one of my friends in my friendgroup the entire time it was going on, and only just told another the whole story on the ~45 minute walk back from uni. Luckily, it's not just me feeling sorry for myself, but they both feel i've been treated horribly. I don't know what to do next time I see her. She's clearly too much of a coward ( she's been avoiding any form of communication that isn't facebook messenger ) to actually speak to me, so I don't know wether I should just go up to her and speak to her if I bump into her, wether I should just be civil with a "hi" and walk by, or delibrately go out of my way to not even look in her general direction. I've not had any closure over the whole situation, and she's in complete denial that she's been horrible to me, and it's affecting me horribly but she doesn't seem to give a shit. The month since I posted that first post has been fucking, fucking horrible.

[QUOTE=Instant Mix;51075753]bit of an update on [url=https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1499584&p=50845145&viewfull=1#post50845145] the last thing I spoke about here [/url] she broke up with me. But it's been a complete shitshow since then; went to talk about the breakup and ended up trying to get a hotel room (luckily everywhere was full), she decided she'd changed her mind, couple days later totally takes it back, has treated me like dirt ever since. Her best friend died a fornight after, and i think has taken most of the anger of it out on me. There's been no real closure apart from confusion and frustration, so messaged her asking to meet up to get it all out on the table. Managed to make me absolutely bawl down the phone to her when she called out of the blue last sunday. in that phone call, she said we could meet but not to talk about us but to be friends, and that she doesn't want to talk about us anymore, and that she can just as easily not meet at all. She was really harsh then. I messaged her on friday night asking if she'd figure out when she wanted to meet up, but saw it and hadn't replied since. The issue is that she's on my course at university, albiet the year above - but she's a part of my core friendgroup.. which means it's completely unavoidable bumping into her. I originally wanted to meet with her to try and make her understand how hard it's been for me, but now I want to meet her so I can say to her face how horribly she's treated me, and that I deserve some shred of respect.. but seeing her still makes my heart skip. I had hoped I didn't bump into her today, but unfortunately managed to walking into my lecture. I noticed her, got a rush of rage and frustration and sadness, and just walked straight past her. I'm pretty sure she noticed me when she then walked past queuing to get in. Still hasn't said anything. I've been speaking to one of my friends in my friendgroup the entire time it was going on, and only just told another the whole story on the ~45 minute walk back from uni. Luckily, it's not just me feeling sorry for myself, but they both feel i've been treated horribly. I don't know what to do next time I see her. She's clearly too much of a coward ( she's been avoiding any form of communication that isn't facebook messenger ) to actually speak to me, so I don't know wether I should just go up to her and speak to her if I bump into her, wether I should just be civil with a "hi" and walk by, or delibrately go out of my way to not even look in her general direction. I've not had any closure over the whole situation, and she's in complete denial that she's been horrible to me, and it's affecting me horribly but she doesn't seem to give a shit. The month since I posted that first post has been fucking, fucking horrible.[/QUOTE] Hate to break it to you man, but you probably will never get the closure you are looking for.

Closure doesn't really exist. It's awful but it's something we have to deal with. You'll probably never sit down with the sense that everything is right. There will always be things left unsaid, things unresolved. As sociologist Nancy Berns said in her book, [I]Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us[/I], closure does not exist. Grief can diminish with time, but there is no process for it to end, and there's no reason to chase it. Relying on it only hurts. Instead you should focus on accepting the pain and moving on. It's over with her. It's awful but it's true. The complex events that brought it on have happened, and there is no reason to agonize over them. Grief means we can't just accept these things except in retrospect, and even then we may look back on them in sadness, but the only way to get over the pain is to keep your head up and move on. Surround yourself with your friends and forget about it as best you can. That is what I do at least. The best way for me to get over grief is to enjoy friendships like I always have. The more new stories or experiences I get, the further behind the grief is, and the easier it is to move on from. I hope any of that helped you.

I keep thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend. It's horrible. I love my girlfriend more than I could express, but she's pretty sure she never wants kids, and I'm getting more and more sure that I do. I've been thinking a lot about it lately, partly because I'm turning 25 soon (I know that sounds stupid, it's still very young, but it's made me wonder about the second half of my twenties, like a mid-decade crisis). We visited one of my best friends the other day who recently had his first kid. It's still weird even to think about my friends close-in-age to me having kids, but seeing my formerly rather wild, notoriously unstable close friend (not in a bad way except for himself, he really is a wonderful friend) settling into a real job, married life, and being a loving father definitely made me confident that I do want kids myself someday. I'm in no rush to have them now, but I think I'd be very disappointed if I went my whole life without at least one son or daughter. I've been with my girlfriend close to 5 years and I can't imagine my life without her. She's become my best friend, and no one on earth knows me as well as she does. Ironically I never really thought about having kids until she said to me early in our relationship that she thought I'd make a good father. She thought she wanted kids early on, but then decided she didn't and became more and more entrenched into the feeling that she never wants them. It sucks because it's not like we could even have broken it off before we got too attached. We didn't settle into our respective positions until a few years in. She changed feelings on it throughout our relationship, but she seems pretty sure now, and I certainly don't think it makes sense to wait around and hope I decide I'm okay with not having kids or that she'll change her mind when her biological clock starts ticking. I'd rather end it while we still love each other and have it hurt like a motherfucker for both of us than stay together and have one of us end up resentful and/or the other end up feeling like a disappointment. I know she can sense it's a point of contention. She often jokes, although not all that "jokily," that we've gotta break up, and the other day I started a sentence in a way that she told me made her think for a moment that I was gonna break up with her right then and there. It sounds kind of like her looking for a way out, but I don't think she is. She's expressed before that if we break up, she doesn't want to date anyone else. I don't think that would ever hold up if we actually broke up, but I think I feel the same way. I can't imagine honestly trying to search for someone who fits me better. We've grown into what feels like two halves of the same person, apart from this one (admittedly [I]really big[/I]) difference. I'd break up with her soon to spare her getting my a birthday gift, but I doubt I could muster up the strength in the next week. Plus I bet she'd give me one anyway. She takes pride in her excellent gift-giving ability. This feeling is horrendous. It's like I've spent five years unknowingly actively contributing to my own eventual pain. I think I'd rather have ebola right now. Whatever advice anyone could have is welcome, but mostly I just needed to ramble and vent since I haven't mentioned it to anyone else ever and I think keeping it inside is giving me some serious stress. [editline]19th September 2016[/editline] I still am not sure if it's stupid that I feel like if she wanted kids too but one of us turned out to be infertile, I could learn to live with it. It's functionally the same thing, but as it is we're not on the same page. The pain wouldn't be shared.

I mean it sounds like you've made up your mind and you're just llooking for the time to do it. Have you two considered couples counseling? It might work. Although honestly with that big of an ideological difference, I'm not sure there's a way for you both to be happy.

[QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;51076370]I mean it sounds like you've made up your mind and you're just llooking for the time to do it.[/QUOTE] Kind of. I mean, I really, really don't want to, but I'm sort of coming to terms with the fact that I probably have to. [QUOTE=E = MC Hammer;51076370]Have you two considered couples counseling? It might work. Although honestly with that big of an ideological difference, I'm not sure there's a way for you both to be happy.[/QUOTE] I don't think there is a way. Kids is pretty much the one thing there can be no compromise on, and it's such a huge part of the human experience. Annoyingly I think the stress is also making my acne, which has been mostly non-existent since early college, flair up again.

Ultimately you'll have to be straight and tell her the problem. If the issue is her not wanting to physically have it, suggest adoption as an alternative.

[QUOTE=TheBloodyNine;51076521]Ultimately you'll have to be straight and tell her the problem. If the issue is her not wanting to physically have it, suggest adoption as an alternative.[/QUOTE] No, the issue is she just doesn't want kids.

[QUOTE=Instant Mix;51075753]she broke up with me. But it's been a complete shitshow since then; went to talk about the breakup and ended up trying to get a hotel room (luckily everywhere was full), she decided she'd changed her mind, couple days later totally takes it back, has treated me like dirt ever since. Her best friend died a fornight after, and i think has taken most of the anger of it out on me. There's been no real closure apart from confusion and frustration, so messaged her asking to meet up to get it all out on the table. Managed to make me absolutely bawl down the phone to her when she called out of the blue last sunday. in that phone call, she said we could meet but not to talk about us but to be friends, and that she doesn't want to talk about us anymore, and that she can just as easily not meet at all. She was really harsh then. I messaged her on friday night asking if she'd figure out when she wanted to meet up, but saw it and hadn't replied since. [/QUOTE] When my ex broke up with me and dropped the "lets just be friends" garbage I told her no and walked out. She tried to stop me but fuck that. There is no way in hell I'm going to go from significant other to a friend to talk about her day and who she likes and wants to date/fuck. "But lots of exs are friends!" You'll never get closure. Accept that and move on. Stop talking to her, delete her number, unfriend her on facebook and act like she was never involved in your life. If you still have any of her shit drop it off at her place or dump it. If you keep trying to "fix things" you'll only get hurt. There are billions of fish in the sea - you'll meet someone else eventually. And that shit about the hotel room? She was testing you.. it was never a legitimate offer. I've dropped more then 25 pounds since we broke up and still losing weight. Starting to look good brah.. shes still like 250-300 pounds or something.

If kids is non negotiable for you and no kids is non negotiable for her then it's going to end one way or another. Have a serious talk about it with her, not just her joking.

[QUOTE=Levelog;51076584]If kids is non negotiable for you and no kids is non negotiable for her then it's going to end one way or another. Have a serious talk about it with her, not just her joking.[/QUOTE] I mean, we've discussed it before, but we weren't 100% sure where we stood. Or at least I wasn't, at the time. I'd like to discuss it with her but I'm pretty sure the discussion will basically just be a breakup, which is why I'm putting off doing it. Anything else would be continuing to ignore the problem and hope it will go away.

Then my recommendation would be the bandaid method and get it over with but that's how I handle all things in life so you may want others to chime in.

We're both virgin, been doing hand stuff for awhile I can make her climax but she can't get me off even with a blowjob, I masturbate around once a day but I've been cutting down recently. Advice?

[QUOTE=homosapien69;51077756]We're both virgin, been doing hand stuff for awhile I can make her climax but she can't get me off even with a blowjob, I masturbate around once a day but I've been cutting down recently. Advice?[/QUOTE] Is she not turning you on or do you feel like you get close but can't quite get there? If it's the first, it's probably skill. Oral is a lot more effective on women than men in my experiences. There's also a myth about how sex works that tends to make it seem odd. The whole concept of bases is flawed. You don't have to work from one step to the other and progressively like them as they go. Some people REALLY like oral and some people can't stand it. I met a girl (never dated) that only liked anal. You might just not be into oral sex. It's no biggie. If it's the second it sounds like performance anxiety. Don't think about climaxing and instead think about enjoying the feeling and company. Do what you want to do, don't feel like you need to perform, and if it has happened a few times then you obviously don't have to worry about her thinking less of you. And yeah the less you masturbate the easier it'll be to come and the better it'll feel.

She's turning me on but I just don't feel like I'm getting there at all. I don't really think I'm having anxiety I guess that could be it

You've most likely fucked your dicknerves from all the masturbation you've done. Cut back on that and don't choke your chode with your fist while you have a wank.

[QUOTE=homosapien69;51079440]She's turning me on but I just don't feel like I'm getting there at all. I don't really think I'm having anxiety I guess that could be it[/QUOTE] I didn't really think it was anxiety when it used to happen to me either. It's honestly a bad name for it because it's more like "Performance Overthinking It" She turned me on, I was confident, I'd maker her come, it'd be great, but when she went down on me no matter how turned on I got I couldn't get there. Only got it once I forced myself to stop thinking about actually getting there. I also stopped jacking off a few days before every date just in case.

not every guy is guaranteed to get off with a bj calm down if neither of you know what you're doing it's possible she has no idea what she's doing either, try to direct her a bit and it certainly might help

hand stimulation along with the mouth goes a long way

Been single for almost a year now, I'm fresh into college, and I've been told I'm decently attractive and have a good personality. I've had dating experience and I like to think I'm ready to go, but the last time I dated someone it was someone who I'd known for a few years. She was a great girlfriend and part of why we worked so well is because we clicked over a long period of time before dating. But now I'm in a university halfway across the country from where I lived and I've only known people for a month or less. Sure I have lots of good friends already, but I'd just like some more intimate companionship to help me through college. Any suggestions?

[QUOTE=Flicky;51080585]Been single for almost a year now, I'm fresh into college, and I've been told I'm decently attractive and have a good personality. I've had dating experience and I like to think I'm ready to go, but the last time I dated someone it was someone who I'd known for a few years. She was a great girlfriend and part of why we worked so well is because we clicked over a long period of time before dating. But now I'm in a university halfway across the country from where I lived and I've only known people for a month or less. Sure I have lots of good friends already, but I'd just like some more intimate companionship to help me through college. Any suggestions?[/QUOTE] Tinder. Join a club. Talk to girls in your class. Make a group of friends and ask if any of them have any single friends.

my gf and i need to have a serious discussion about sex because as awesome as it is, she's loud. like real loud. i love it and don't care but we've had the cops called on us for noise complaints. twice. which is not ideal, but was hilarious usually we do it when my roommate just isn't home, but now that school's starting again he's home more and it's hard to coordinate a time when he's not here without it feeling like we're just scheduling plowing time, which isn't romantic or whatever so we need to have a talk about it but i don't want her to think i'm embarassed by her or anything or self conscious, and i don't want her to think i don't care about how she feels or how she enjoys herself. i mean i'm sure it's less fun when you're trying to keep your voice down, but at this rate i'll need to go buy a gag or something because it's a problem. my ears are usually ringing once we finish. i mean i really don't care, i think it's hot and if anything it's just a giant "HEY GOOD JOB" so i don't really care but ideally we'll be able to do it at a volume where we can mask the sound with music so my roommate doesn't feel like he needs to leave the apartment or blast metal to drown us out or something i mean there are a lot of options, ideally she'll just scream into a pillow or something. maybe if i'm lucky i can just shove something in her mouth and she'll think it's hot

fuck tinder [t]https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/25031534/20160908_104907.png[/t]

[QUOTE=Flicky;51080585]Been single for almost a year now, I'm fresh into college, and I've been told I'm decently attractive and have a good personality. I've had dating experience and I like to think I'm ready to go, but the last time I dated someone it was someone who I'd known for a few years. She was a great girlfriend and part of why we worked so well is because we clicked over a long period of time before dating. But now I'm in a university halfway across the country from where I lived and I've only known people for a month or less. Sure I have lots of good friends already, but I'd just like some more intimate companionship to help me through college. Any suggestions?[/QUOTE] I don't think you should actually worry about getting laid, I mean, you're in a new place with new faces and probably gonna be there for a while. It's important to know that not every chick wants to fuck you right from the bat so, try not to focus your social interactions on that. I think sex comes along the way.

[QUOTE=T_T crai2;51089396]fuck tinder [t]https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/25031534/20160908_104907.png[/t][/QUOTE] Should have asked for a copy of her CV and her linkedin mate

update on pageking: so the half the reason I was so worried about the whole breakup is that there would be a repeat of what happened the year before and that my ex essentially turned my entire friendgroup against me; but it sorta looks like the opposite has happened. Everyone's been happy to see me back at uni ( as i've had to resit a year essentially ) and they've all been nice and chatty. Managed to talk to a few about my situation, and luckily they've all said "wow she really has been a cunt". I didn't really want to explain to randomers about it as they'd give the usual "aww mate she's shit there's plenty of more fish in the sea you can do better etc etc" but they all know the person anyway and seem to be behind me. Today's been the only time she's been in uni the same time I have, so in between my lectures i just walked straight up to and pretty much ratted off how I was pissed. Didn't really go as coherent as I wanted, but making the point that A) I wasn't happy with how she's been and B) I'm fed up of having her just ignoring me, I'm definitely a lot more to terms with everything. Might not have been ideal, but it was at least some form of closure. Her being her though, took this as me still talking about the relationship - it shows how little she's listening considering my entire issue was with how she's treated me like shit, rather than trying to "fix" the relationship. as i've been speaking to my friends about it and writing on here, I seem to be unable to stop essentially complaining about her, which makes me wonder why on earth I even stayed in that relationship anyway, it was toxic as hell. Damn girl needs to mature a lot. I'm a lot happier but I'm still gonna need a lot of time before I even think about going back into the field.

I find it a bit funny that I seem to have a pattern going on in that I've been falling for a lot more 18-19 year olds than girls closer to my age of 23. I keep telling myself I should force myself to avoid them because I reason they tend to be too fresh out of HS and have an unpredictable vibe to them. But at the same time, I almost get intimidated by girls closer to my age, especially if they are already graduated from school. If they've moved out, it kinda feels like the ultimate out-of-my-league status, even though it probably isn't as big of a deal as I make it to be. I guess I mostly make myself feel inadequate, since hardly anyone else tries otherwise. I doubt anyone remembers my post from a few weeks ago about me being confused about my feelings for a classmate I've known for a decent while now. Well, kinda put her on the back burner, and am gaining interest in - you guessed it - a 18-19 year old classmate. She's very beautiful, that is obviously a big part of it. Haven't had much opportunity to really chat and get to know her yet, but I'm sure I'll catch some soon. Funny thing is, and I've said this before -especially about the last girl I posted about- I sat across from her most of last semester, and could have easily taken opportunities then to engage. But I didn't bother, maybe because I was really invested in my work. I remember even at one point vaguely thinking that she might like me, but that if she dropped hints or something I would brush her off. Funny how we can work our minds up like that. I think if I were to proceed with anyone right now, I'd want to attempt to keep it extra casual. That's hard for me because I'm still a bit of a clingy hopeless romantic at heart, so it doesn't take more than a few months of good dates and sex before I start thinking things should be taken more seriously and I want to call them my girlfriend. And pretty much at that point, in some form, is where my relationships have failed. Which confuses for me, because I don't really push it or anything. I hope someone can decipher this and still offer some degree of advice. Kinda just trying to present my mind in hopes a sign or pattern will show. [QUOTE=JohnnyMo1;51076598]I mean, we've discussed it before, but we weren't 100% sure where we stood. Or at least I wasn't, at the time. I'd like to discuss it with her but I'm pretty sure the discussion will basically just be a breakup, which is why I'm putting off doing it. Anything else would be continuing to ignore the problem and hope it will go away.[/QUOTE] I guess part of my lack of full understanding of your dilemma is being a few years younger, and not at all being in a good position to potentially raise a child, let alone a few (since sometimes one thing leads to another :v: ). I think 25 leaves you with plenty of time to still wait for a more ideal situation or partner if need be. I feel I should probably be the one asking for advice from you, after all, I've never been in a relationship longer than 5 months or so unfortunately. Still, I will attempt to offer advice. I've done my fair share of reading about married and older couples, hoping I'd get insight for what issues arrive when I'm at those points. It seems that it is repeatedly cemented that kids and marriage don't improve already iffy or questionable relationships. I can't say from your description that you're in a bad one though. But deal breakers are deal breakers. Still, I say think about whether you [I]need[/I] a kid/kids within the next 1-2 years, whether you [I]need[/I] one to move forward and be happy, and whether you are truly happy with the current relationship, kid issue aside. Again, with myself being in a terrible position to try and have a kid, take my word with a grain of salt; I think being 25 means it's too early to call. In my head, 30 sounds much better of an age to start buckling down and committing to having a kid.

I have a question regarding asking someone out though. I have this thing where I'll tell myself I'm going to ask a girl I like to do something throughout the whole week. Then, for whatever reason, I convince myself it isn't the right time to ask the moment I see that person face to face... every single time. Whether it be due to school, work, etc. I always convince myself not to do it. I'm just worried I wouldn't have enough time to spend getting to know that person and don't do it at all. This is coming from someone who has never been in a relationship as of yet.

[QUOTE=Live2becool;51092641]I have a question regarding asking someone out though. I have this thing where I'll tell myself I'm going to ask a girl I like to do something throughout the whole week. Then, for whatever reason, I convince myself it isn't the right time to ask the moment I see that person face to face... every single time. Whether it be due to school, work, etc. I always convince myself not to do it. I'm just worried I wouldn't have enough time to spend getting to know that person and don't do it at all. This is coming from someone who has never been in a relationship as of yet.[/QUOTE] There's nothing wrong with waiting and getting to know someone. You might be hesitant to ask because you're nervous, but it's also possible that your instincts are telling you to hold off because you haven't found an appropriate time to ask someone out yet. Instead of going straight to asking for a date, take time to get to know the person - exchange numbers and chat about common interests. In my case, when getting to know new people, the fact that I rock climb usually comes up and I often get a reaction like "oh, I've always wanted to try rock climbing", which often leads to us making plans. Aside from that, three of my friends conscripted me into going to a shooting range with them under the pretense that women get cheaper rentals or something. Finding a common hobby or an activity one of you wants to try (or a lame excuse like mooching off of their cheaper rates) is a great way to lead into asking someone out.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;51092722]There's nothing wrong with waiting and getting to know someone. You might be hesitant to ask because you're nervous, but it's also possible that your instincts are telling you to hold off because you haven't found an appropriate time to ask someone out yet. Instead of going straight to asking for a date, take time to get to know the person - exchange numbers and chat about common interests. In my case, when getting to know new people, the fact that I rock climb usually comes up and I often get a reaction like "oh, I've always wanted to try rock climbing", which often leads to us making plans. Aside from that, three of my friends conscripted me into going to a shooting range with them under the pretense that women get cheaper rentals or something. Finding a common hobby or an activity one of you wants to try (or a lame excuse like mooching off of their cheaper rates) is a great way to lead into asking someone out.[/QUOTE] Thanks for the response dude. I guess I just have an extremely difficult time deciphering between which time is right and which is wrong. It just always ends incorrectly in the end. Like if I found someone interesting in my class, I don't want to ask them out if we aren't even half way into the semester.... but then I end up just not saying anything by the end of it. I know in the inside I could make another person in a relationship feel loved... just starting it is the most difficult task for me. Oi vey.