Embarrassing Situations Thread V1.0 - Oh, the shame! - General

[QUOTE=medal-12;37028545]In year 2 i stabbed a girl in the ear with a pencil, making her deaf in her left ear, and to make it look like i didn't do it i moved to the other side of the desk and put my head on my work, the teacher call me to her desk and i remember seeing clear liquid coming from the girls ear as she was holding it, i then tasted it, i was then expelled from the school and then got moved to a completely better school where i pissed my pants because at teacher shouted at me, ohh, and the girl who i deafened still hates me and wants to kill me, i've not ever seen her since, [editline]1st August 2012[/editline] i also had to be taken home by the head teacher, we go past my house, she puts the brakes on and my next door neighbor tells her to open the window and he asked if i knew the woman, i shout "NO, HELP ME" and then he tries to drag me out and the head teacher speeds of and shouts at me, it was like i was kid-napped, that was a fun day [editline]1st August 2012[/editline] i remember pissing in the sink when i was in infants, i was caught then sent to reception and then i pissed in the safe, then my mom had to take me home.[/QUOTE] ur a massive cunt mate

[QUOTE=xxBeASTxx;37040597]ur a massive cunt mate[/QUOTE] >Joined today >4 posts >Flamed You must be looking to get banned here, just stop while you're ahead

[QUOTE=medal-12;37041140]>Joined today >4 posts >Flamed You must be looking to get banned here, just stop while you're ahead[/QUOTE] His username is even better.

[QUOTE=medal-12;37041140]>Joined today >4 posts >Flamed You must be looking to get banned here, just stop while you're ahead[/QUOTE] He's right though.

[QUOTE=Kabstrac;37039154]are you dead?[/QUOTE] Yes [editline]2nd August 2012[/editline] [QUOTE=medal-12;37041140]>Joined today >4 posts >Flamed You must be looking to get banned here, just stop while you're ahead[/QUOTE] Says the one greentexting on a forum

[QUOTE=Mr. Smartass;37042264] Says the one greentexting on a forum[/QUOTE] because green texting is against the rules?

Nope,it just looks stupid.When will people realise that THEIR TEXT IS NOT FUCKING GREEN?

[QUOTE=medal-12;37042621]because green texting is against the rules?[/QUOTE] No. Because this topic's purpose isn't fuelling lame discussions.

On holiday a girl was helping me learn spanish. When I saw her she asked how my police station words were going (I did a page of a phrasebook a day, that day was themed around police station). I responded by saying “Violacion” which means “rape” to prove it was going well.

I have a life filled with awkward and embarrassing situations, from being robbed by 2 girls that didn't have any weapons, banging an ugly prostitute on my co-worker's bed, writing a poem to a girl back in highschool which ended up VERY horribly and ended my poetic lifestyle permanently. Geez, where do I start? Pick a story you want to hear first because I like to get descriptive in my story writing I'll only write one for tonight. There's also the one where I got erectile dysfunction, I want to punch my dick just thinking about that one.

[QUOTE=Tarzy;37043329]I have a life filled with awkward and embarrassing situations, from being robbed by 2 girls that didn't have any weapons, banging an ugly prostitute on my co-worker's bed, writing a poem to a girl back in highschool which ended up VERY horribly and ended my poetic lifestyle permanently. Geez, where do I start? Pick a story you want to hear first because I like to get descriptive in my story writing I'll only write one for tonight. There's also the one where I got erectile dysfunction, I want to punch my dick just thinking about that one.[/QUOTE] erection story obvs

It was a nice sunny Sunday afternoon and I wanted some damned breakfast, so I decided to swing down to the local grocery store in town to pick up some eggs and some other shit to fire up for my belly. Little did I know my personal eggs would be getting some wishful eyes from a good looking lady. I arrive at the store and notice a very sexy looking lady standing outside, my town is very small so it was unusual to see a gem like that, she smiles and said "hi" to me and I admired those luscious titties as I walked past her into the store. I grabbed my eggs, jumped back in the car and started driving off when I remembered the most important part, a pack of cigs from the liquor store beside the mart. So I did a U-turn and blasted back to the stripmall's parking lot. By the time I got my cigs and got back on the road the lovely lady was standing at the corner waiting for a ride. Of course I pulled over and let that sweet black ass jump in my passenger seat. "Aww yeah, time to get this woman's digits, and the password to her pants." Anyways, fast forward, I got this girl to her apartment and we had a nice chat, she noted several times how we had a lot in common, blah blah blah, I was too busy trying not to crash while I glanced every-so-often at those yummy lips and perfect boobies that were portrayed nicely for me. Before she got out I got a good glance at her pink panties and said "You might as well give me your number since I know where you live now." Bam score. This girl is easier than she should be, but I didn't give a shit, I wanted to get some poon. Anyways, I awkwardly tried to put her digits into my phone while fucking up and accidentally accelerating while I was still parked, causing my engine to roar like my wiener was already doing in my pants. Then I fucked up on my three-point turn and nearly ran off into the ditch. That stated the future of this awkward relationship. So after 2 days of calling and texting, and going for a couple walks on my road, and the beach, she was following through quite nicely, and even made the first gestures to get jiggy with it, damn I'm a luck man. She told me she was cleaning some condos just a 5 minute walk from my house, so I got off my lazy ass and ran down there while also forgetting my condoms. FUCK. (If this story is to long then fuck you and keep reading) So I get down there, she gives me a big hug and we sit on a chair together and I'm a pretty silent dude so I just stared at the wall while she talked for a minute then I said " give me a tour of this place" So we walk around, see the rooms, the bathrooms, and livingrooms, and I jumped on the couch, she did too, started watching a moving, blah blah blah, I got horny and started making out with her. Skipping to the main part of the story, we start getting really steamy on this person's couch and I pull her shirt off and she gets mine off then she tells me "let's go downstairs" to where the children's bedrooms were. I nearly fell down the stairs and broke my face into the wall, luckily I used my skills and sex-agility to stabilize myself as she laughed at me, damn it. Anyways, things get messy, we pull each others pants off, I get her bra off, bed gets messy, she stands up to take her thong off but I push her onto the bed on the other side of the room. At this point I start getting concerned because my wiener still hasn't made any response. I try to buy time by getting slow and sexy, I got her thong off, and tossed it away and kissed up her legs, kissed her yummy woman parts and tried to cover up the fact that my FUCKING DICK ISN'T WORKING. Anyways, we make out naked on the bed for a while and I get a semi-boner, you know when your dick is ALMOST there but it's just not quite solid enough to push into the confinements of that warm moist cavern. I make a failed attempt, she gives me a strange look, which was also a look of "where is condom?" and that's when things go downhill. I needed to get hard, NOW! so I grab her hand and put it on my dick and say "I think he needs some motivation." while I put on an awkward smile and continue sucking on those titties. She gives up after 30 seconds and I just tell her it's because I smoke cigarettes and we got dressed. I left early and let her clean up the couch and beds on her own. I cursed my dick the whole way home. Anyways, things went to shit after that and she ruined my chance with practically every good looking friend she has, which leaves no options in this town. I believe she was the one who gave me chlamydia. So moral of the story is, don't smoke cigarettes. I think I have enough energy for another story if you guys are interested.

[QUOTE=Tarzy;37043940]I think I have enough energy for another story if you guys are interested.[/QUOTE] Yes, Please do more.

Way back in middle school we were playing dodgeball in PE. Now my gym teacher was this tall black guy who was a really good basketball player, he was also playing in the dodgeball game. I was known for being the little nimble kid so naturally I was good at dodgeball. Me and my gym teacher were on opposite teams and I was the last one standing on my team. He picks up a ball and pelts it at me at a thousand miles per hour (bit of exaggeration). As the fast thinking motherfucker I am, I decided to jump over the ball as it's flying at me, ya know spread my legs as I jump? Well looks like I underestimated a bit because as I was in midair, legs a spread, the ball nails me right in the nads. I hit the ground clenching my nuts in pain as the entire class laughs at me. I look back and I think it was one of the funniest things to happen to me.

[QUOTE=Tarzy;37043940]It was a nice sunny Sunday afternoon and I wanted some damned breakfast, so I decided to swing down to the local grocery store in town to pick up some eggs and some other shit to fire up for my belly. Little did I know my personal eggs would be getting some wishful eyes from a good looking lady. I arrive at the store and notice a very sexy looking lady standing outside, my town is very small so it was unusual to see a gem like that, she smiles and said "hi" to me and I admired those luscious titties as I walked past her into the store. I grabbed my eggs, jumped back in the car and started driving off when I remembered the most important part, a pack of cigs from the liquor store beside the mart. So I did a U-turn and blasted back to the stripmall's parking lot. By the time I got my cigs and got back on the road the lovely lady was standing at the corner waiting for a ride. Of course I pulled over and let that sweet black ass jump in my passenger seat. "Aww yeah, time to get this woman's digits, and the password to her pants." Anyways, fast forward, I got this girl to her apartment and we had a nice chat, she noted several times how we had a lot in common, blah blah blah, I was too busy trying not to crash while I glanced every-so-often at those yummy lips and perfect boobies that were portrayed nicely for me. Before she got out I got a good glance at her pink panties and said "You might as well give me your number since I know where you live now." Bam score. This girl is easier than she should be, but I didn't give a shit, I wanted to get some poon. Anyways, I awkwardly tried to put her digits into my phone while fucking up and accidentally accelerating while I was still parked, causing my engine to roar like my wiener was already doing in my pants. Then I fucked up on my three-point turn and nearly ran off into the ditch. That stated the future of this awkward relationship. So after 2 days of calling and texting, and going for a couple walks on my road, and the beach, she was following through quite nicely, and even made the first gestures to get jiggy with it, damn I'm a luck man. She told me she was cleaning some condos just a 5 minute walk from my house, so I got off my lazy ass and ran down there while also forgetting my condoms. FUCK. (If this story is to long then fuck you and keep reading) So I get down there, she gives me a big hug and we sit on a chair together and I'm a pretty silent dude so I just stared at the wall while she talked for a minute then I said " give me a tour of this place" So we walk around, see the rooms, the bathrooms, and livingrooms, and I jumped on the couch, she did too, started watching a moving, blah blah blah, I got horny and started making out with her. Skipping to the main part of the story, we start getting really steamy on this person's couch and I pull her shirt off and she gets mine off then she tells me "let's go downstairs" to where the children's bedrooms were. I nearly fell down the stairs and broke my face into the wall, luckily I used my skills and sex-agility to stabilize myself as she laughed at me, damn it. Anyways, things get messy, we pull each others pants off, I get her bra off, bed gets messy, she stands up to take her thong off but I push her onto the bed on the other side of the room. At this point I start getting concerned because my wiener still hasn't made any response. I try to buy time by getting slow and sexy, I got her thong off, and tossed it away and kissed up her legs, kissed her yummy woman parts and tried to cover up the fact that my FUCKING DICK ISN'T WORKING. Anyways, we make out naked on the bed for a while and I get a semi-boner, you know when your dick is ALMOST there but it's just not quite solid enough to push into the confinements of that warm moist cavern. I make a failed attempt, she gives me a strange look, which was also a look of "where is condom?" and that's when things go downhill. I needed to get hard, NOW! so I grab her hand and put it on my dick and say "I think he needs some motivation." while I put on an awkward smile and continue sucking on those titties. She gives up after 30 seconds and I just tell her it's because I smoke cigarettes and we got dressed. I left early and let her clean up the couch and beds on her own. I cursed my dick the whole way home. Anyways, things went to shit after that and she ruined my chance with practically every good looking friend she has, which leaves no options in this town. I believe she was the one who gave me chlamydia. So moral of the story is, don't smoke cigarettes. I think I have enough energy for another story if you guys are interested.[/QUOTE] I apologise for laughing at your expense, but that was one of the greatest stories I've read for quite a while :v:

when I was in first grade I cut holes in my pant legs because I thought my teacher wasn't watching

A year and a half ago I was a heavy alcoholic, drinking up to 2/3rds of a bottle of Stolichnaya a night, which was usually introduced with a couple of Heinekens for the drive home after work. (In my country you don't have to follow the laws because the police are lazy as shit.) The company I was working for was having some New Years party at the other branch's warehouse and everyone from all 3 branches were invited. I was thinking of going to the bar that night until my co-worker said there were free drinks being served at the dinner party. So fuck the bar, free beer has always got the priority. I picked up my buddy and we head down to the bar to get some starter beers. (Alcoholics know that beer line-ups are always going to have a wait, so what better idea than to buy a few beers to drink while you wait in line to get your free beer?) Anyways, my buddy spilled half his beer on my Ipod in the car (the third time he's done that, but the thing still worked, hooray for classic Ipod) and I finished both of mine before we got to the party, but no problem, fate was in our favor and we were some of the first people to get there, naturally we swing down a few beers before things get to busy. Who saves room in their belly for the food anyways? A few beers and mixed drinks later and this weird ass looking chick walks up to me and tells me her cousin wanted her to give something to me, which was a napkin with a number on it, which to this day I still haven't found. The napkin made me realize I wanted to get laid that night, since my girlfriend didn't want to join me at the dinner I was in a bit of an angry mood. So I ask my friend if he knows any single ladies around, seeing as all of the ladies that were at the dinner party were with their boyfriends and husbands, and the ladies I attempted to talk to weren't to fond of my cigarette breathe and my sunken drunken look. He calls up a pimp and he offered to bring me a lady. I said "Hell yeah." seeing as I just got paid prior to that night, I had a bit of cash to spare for some poontang. My drunken co-worker who carpooled with me had offered me his apartment so I drove down there and waited for my plowing victim. Turns out she wasn't what I expected and she was 39 years old with a bit of chub and a hairy garden of what looked like ass hairs. Anyways, I was hammered on several mixed drinks and nearly a dozen beers at that point and I just blasted off my pants and went for it. She was nice enough to help me get the condom on since I couldn't roll that shit on. I mounted the flabber and blasted her for what felt like years until she finally asked if I was close to finishing yet. I just grunted " Not yet." and I got my money's worth out of that sloppy crevice. Some time later I finished and went back outside to chill with the pimp because my friend said he wanted a turn. So while he got sloppy seconds I had to pay the dude, which ended up slicing $150 off my paycheck. Damn it. Also, since I was drunk enough, I lent my friend $150 as well, which he only paid $50 of back. That asshole. I'm happy he got fired after he rammed a 250 pound freezer door off it's hinges with a forklift while drunk on the job a year later. Lesson learned; don't rely on other people to find you a prostitute otherwise you'll loose $250 dollars and an Ipod (It went out of commission shortly after the third beer spill.)

I love the helpful lessons at the end.

A year or so ago, I was hanging out with my friends at school. Everyday at lunch we practice taking shots on the basketball court; while we talk about random conversations that come out of no where. While we were shooting hoops, one of my friends starts talking about some video he saw on the funny section on Pornhub, obviously this leads to the topic of masturbation. At this point i've never masturbated in my life, so I just pretend I know what's going on. Eventually they figure out that i've never masturbated before, and for the next month they torture me about it. One day I went there and told them i'd do it this weekend. So for that entire week I looked up techniques, discovered my favorite porn to watch, bought lube (but that's another story), etc... So the weekend comes up and everybody in my family goes out to dinner but me. I told my parents [I]I wasn't feeling well[/I]. When we go out to dinner we do the whole bit. We see a movie, eat dinner, then go to a separate place for dessert. So that bought me a couple hours. That night I pulled out my lube, grabbed my laptop and locked myself in the bathroom. To my knowledge, first time masturbators don't last that long. At all. Well I lasted [B]4 hours[/B] before I decided it wasn't working. I remembered reading that anal masturbation is considered extremely pleasurable for men. Well, I wasn't about to give up then. I set down my laptop on the counter top, applied lube to the end of my toothbrush and shoved it up there. At that exact moment the rest of my family comes home. I didn't here them over the sound of my porn playing at max volume, and moans of pleasure. I must have hit just the right spot, because I nearly bust a nut immediately. It took everything in me to hold it back. Just before I couldn't hold it anymore my Dad bust down the bathroom door. I turned around, came on him, fell back, knocked my laptop in the toilet, and fell on the seat with the toothbrush up my ass. I had to go to the hospital to have it removed. Since then my entire family thinks that i'm gay, and I can never look at my dad the same. Moral of the story? Don't fall into peer pressure.

rip dr.darken

[QUOTE=Mr. Smartass;37038761]I was going extremely fast down the hill that my house sits on on my bike. I used the front brake by accident.[/QUOTE] You're supposed to use it. You just did it too hard.

When I was a bit younger (6 or 7), I went to Circuit City with my dad and I remember going over to the video game section. I was at one of the Xbox Demo booths and I suddenly had the urge to piss. I tried to hold it in but it got really bad so I tried looking for a bathroom. After a few minutes of searching for one, I went back to the game section. I was in big trouble because I couldn't find a bathroom so I took the next logical step and pissed in front of the booth. Luckily, I managed to do it without anyone seeing me.

Try as you might you guys will never be as cringe inducing as 4chans /r9k/

[QUOTE=themoses;37036623]Um, what? i don't think any teacher would say anything like that :v:[/QUOTE] Hey don't judge teachers, my last year's history teacher played the whole Half Life franchise and kept calling me "that Valve fanboy" all year long. :v:

Also during PE in Middle School. Me and my friends in that year are playing tennis, which came down to "Smack the ball towards eachother as hard as possible". First, one of them gets a ball shot in the nads at a rather fast speed, which ended up in him slumping over, and twitch in pain for 30 seconds. I get put into the game. At the end of the game, my teammate, which is 1M 90 long, jumps over the net during the switch. So I thought, with the lenght of 1M 55, and being shit in jumping, "Hey, I can clear that too!". I run, jump and promptly smash my face on the floor as my right foot hits the net. While all my friends from that class were watching. It probably looked very funny to them, and luckly, I just walked it off.

doctordarken i cant breathe oh god im so sorry, but even when i jerked it the first time I never thought about sticking anything up my ass.

[QUOTE=doctordarken;37046799]Toothbrush in the ass.[/QUOTE] What happened to the toothbrush? :v:

[QUOTE=doctordarken;37046799]A year or so ago, I was hanging out with my friends at school. Everyday at lunch we practice taking shots on the basketball court; while we talk about random conversations that come out of no where. While we were shooting hoops, one of my friends starts talking about some video he saw on the funny section on Pornhub, obviously this leads to the topic of masturbation. At this point i've never masturbated in my life, so I just pretend I know what's going on. Eventually they figure out that i've never masturbated before, and for the next month they torture me about it. One day I went there and told them i'd do it this weekend. So for that entire week I looked up techniques, discovered my favorite porn to watch, bought lube (but that's another story), etc... So the weekend comes up and everybody in my family goes out to dinner but me. I told my parents [I]I wasn't feeling well[/I]. When we go out to dinner we do the whole bit. We see a movie, eat dinner, then go to a separate place for dessert. So that bought me a couple hours. That night I pulled out my lube, grabbed my laptop and locked myself in the bathroom. To my knowledge, first time masturbators don't last that long. At all. Well I lasted [B]4 hours[/B] before I decided it wasn't working. I remembered reading that anal masturbation is considered extremely pleasurable for men. Well, I wasn't about to give up then. I set down my laptop on the counter top, applied lube to the end of my toothbrush and shoved it up there. At that exact moment the rest of my family comes home. I didn't here them over the sound of my porn playing at max volume, and moans of pleasure. I must have hit just the right spot, because I nearly bust a nut immediately. It took everything in me to hold it back. Just before I couldn't hold it anymore my Dad bust down the bathroom door. I turned around, came on him, fell back, knocked my laptop in the toilet, and fell on the seat with the toothbrush up my ass. I had to go to the hospital to have it removed. Since then my entire family thinks that i'm gay, and I can never look at my dad the same. Moral of the story? Don't fall into peer pressure.[/QUOTE] Why would he burst down the door if he probably knew you would have your dick out?

[QUOTE=alien_guy;37053585]Why would he burst down the door if he probably knew you would have your dick out?[/QUOTE] Some parents are assholes.

[QUOTE=DemonDog;37029636]-sharks and minnows story-[/QUOTE] What my friend and I did whenever we played Sharks and Minnows, is that we went for the fast athletic people first, so the fat slow kids got to be sharks next (so we would never lose) I feel like a bastard