• How can I stop being such a fucking slow-witted cunt
    95 replies, posted
People with autism can't be witty. Sorry, half of facepunch. :smug:
The secret is in your spare time you must think of witty comebacks for literally every sentence you can think of. Then all you have to do is remember the comebacks and try not to get them mixed up. Simple.
[QUOTE=CNN;19712483]Hes famous for?[/QUOTE] Oh Jesus, you don't deserve to be witty.
Either you're witty or you're not man, sorry.
Watch some GOOD comedians.
[QUOTE=Pegleg;19682749]Here's a little trick I use: If you've been stumped by someone's put down, punch them in the genitals, and moonwalk away.[/QUOTE] [img]http://img693.imageshack.us/img693/5521/ballswalk.gif[/img] He was a douchebag, but that moonwalk was godly.
Get better friends.
[QUOTE=Pascall;19713573]Get better friends.[/QUOTE] Or learn how to do this: [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_FzgtLVzbI[/media]
[QUOTE=CNN;19682658] Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance[/QUOTE] Brain training: INSULT EDITION!
Laugh it off, tell them to shut up or you'll *insert pathetic threat here* and then keep moving.
Instead of being a slow-witted cunt, you could be a fast, witty dick.
I used to have this problem, like not thinking of comebacks after the time when they are useful. It turns out that saying whatever is on your mind whether it seems appropriate or not at the time gives you experience and practice and helps you get faster and better at thinking these comebacks up. Better to say something imperfect at the time without worrying about what anyone will think than just to say nothing and think about it for hours afterwards
I've found that saying something along the lines of, "Hey, guess what? SHUT UP!" in a really angry tone tends to... well, shut people up. There's this annoying asshole at my school who, in reality is an absolute idiot. I'd say that he's bordering on mental retardation. However, unfortunately he's incredibly quick witted and uses that to make himself seem intelligent, and because of it, everyone listens to him.
Here's how you stop being a slow-witted cunt: Leave Facepunch.
Stare at them. Creeps the hell out of them. Then ninja punch their face while they look at you weirdly.
Act aggressive. Be a man.
If you're slow, you're slow. Some people are hot others are not. Some are agile and some are SLOW. Learn to accept yourself.
[QUOTE=CNN;19682658]I'm sick of being humiliated and embarrassed by my friends and colleagues putdowns, I can always think of a great response to them but only about 2 hours after they said it. So whats the secret of being quick witted? Is it a case of thinking of a great putdown for everyone you meet before they insult you first? Or should I try and improve my intelligence and response times by reading more books or perhaps buying that brain training thing? Thanks in advance[/QUOTE] Just nail them right in the arm. Rule with fear and an iron fist!
Start off with simple comebacks like "Hey man you're totally right. SHUT THE FUCK UP"
[QUOTE=dookster;19712884]Oh Jesus, you don't deserve to be witty.[/QUOTE] instead of acting like a douche, tell me who he is/about him?
A friend of mine taught me this trick which he used on both the internet and sometimes in real life, depending on how weak the victim is. If you've talked to them before then start the conversation like this. You: Hey, What's up Friend: Not much, just did *insert here* You: I know, you already told me that earlier Friend starts trying to remember something which actually isn't in his memory banks and it could occupy him for a while depending on how dumb he is. If this doesn't help. Then just tell them to fuck off.
Or you can be mature about it and show people you don't care what they say about you. Fighting fire with fire doesn't really solve anything.
[QUOTE=Hoboharry;19724930]A friend of mine taught me this trick which he used on both the internet and sometimes in real life, depending on how weak the victim is. If you've talked to them before then start the conversation like this. You: Hey, What's up Friend: Not much, just did *insert here* You: I know, you already told me that earlier Friend starts trying to remember something which actually isn't in his memory banks and it could occupy him for a while depending on how dumb he is. If this doesn't help. Then just tell them to fuck off.[/QUOTE] I have a similar trick: I ask people what time it is and then kick them in the nuts when they tell me. The irony of it kills me every time.
[QUOTE=CNN;19682716]What's the secret?[/QUOTE] Like he said, watch TV, read books etc, usually a head full of quotes help ;) But usually, you are either witty or not.
[img]http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/not_really_into_pokemon.png[/img] Yeah. Just do this.
[QUOTE=CNN;19724829]instead of acting like a douche, tell me who he is/about him?[/QUOTE] Did it take you a while to come up with that? He was one of the greatest English Decadents, well known for his incredible wit and plays. Have you ever heard of [I]The Importance of Being Earnest, Lady Windemere's Fan, Dorian Grey [/I]or[I] An ideal husband?[/I] All written by him and adored by millions the world over. [editline]09:57PM[/editline] [URL]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oscar_Wilde[/URL][URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oscar_Wilde"] [/URL]
Friends shouldn't put you down all the time, if they do they really are not your friends. Shit like that shouldn't happen at a [b]real[/b] work place. So make some new friends and get over your work mates, just ignore them.
Use recent events. Example: If Johnny's dad just died, say this: You: Yeah? Well at least my dad can breathe.
[QUOTE=WWIII;19729780]Use recent events. Example: If Johnny's dad just died, say this: You: Yeah? Well at least my dad can breathe.[/QUOTE] Wow... if you want to lose all your friends this is the way to go.
I really feel now that the pokemon come back works for everything.
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