[QUOTE=AngryToad;40436639]I went ahead and read through it. I liked it, though I only really read the first one. (and I dont really give critique very much so this might kind of suck)
main problem seems to be that information is introduced kind of clumsily - I wasn't sure at first whether or not the speaker was 'native' in the first selection. 'huge, distant planet around which our world revolves brings long days of sunshine' seems kind of odd if the speaker is talking from a standpoint of both having lived there all of his life, and if he is writing for others to read, this wouldn't really be new information.
there's also a bit of inconsistency with how information is introduced later on - a lot of attention is drawn to the stripe and yellowback, but the alderberry bush is kind of dropped in there, without a lot of mention of its biological characteristics.
I'd say you could fix this by making the piece a bit longer and staggering the details, but considering that this may be for a morrowind mod, that paragraph may be all you can fit in an in-game book without a player getting bored and moving on (assuming that's where you'd use it)
as for the good things i really like the line 'The birds return every year' and i'm not quite sure why. Ohheikkat is a really good for (what I'm assuming is) a made up name, definitely better than something I could come up with. I may overvalue fictional names, but it certainly adds to the feel of the story.
in conclusion: 11/10 it's okay
if you'd like i could take a look at the other ones.[/QUOTE]
thanks man
and yeah, that's pretty much where i'd use this if the mod were ever created
as of right now i'm just trying to write as many "books" to litter the world with as possible
as for the made-up names, yeah i feel you on that
oftentimes i feel that the made up names i come up with are really stupid
if you could take a look at the other ones and let me know if I should come up with new names for places/species, then that'd be swell because even now i'm not sure the names i wrote will stick
[QUOTE=Apollo;40436459]I'm glad we have this thread! I look forward to reading everyone's stuff and practicing offering criticism because as much as I would LIKE to help fellow writers I am awful at it. I also write a lot but am awfully shy about sharing normally because I think the stuff I write is really weird and that no one will like it but I will try to get over that by sharing some stuff here. So, here are two (very) short stories I wrote:
[url]http://pastebin.com/B6N5CiGj[/url]
[url]http://pastebin.com/9fueM8tR[/url]
(I linked to pastebin because I figured it might get kind of annoying to have to scroll through walls of text. Let me know if there's a problem with that, I'll fix it.)
The second one is inspired by my main man Ross53545, of "give her the dick" fame, so credit where credit is due. I would appreciate feedback but I am not here to tell you guys what to do. I will go through and read everyone else's stuff now.[/QUOTE]
I like both of those! They were both well-written and had few any grammatical errors. The stories were also pleasantly unique. I've never read a story about old VHS tapes or Jerry Rice's filthy comments.
Now, I'm not a master of critiques or anything, but this is just something I noticed. The narrators, especially the one in the second story, seem to get distracted and talk about unrelated things now and then. While funny, some of their comments are really out of left field. The part about flying and being claustrophobic, for example. The whole thing with the letter K was hilarious, though.
Still, great work!
[QUOTE=ironman17;40435196]What I'm going for is a string of diary entries, which in itself tells the story of this guy's life through his eyes as he relates what he's experienced and what he's learned.[/QUOTE]
if that's the approach you're going for, it's a bit too much information right up front. it got me interested in what race he is, or what happened to the humans, but as a character i didn't really care what he was saying. he shouldnt be out right saying "I like science" you should give us instances to infer that and invest in him.
to better explain what i mean i'll give you an example.
A stranger walks up to you and tells you something, you're caught a little off guard, and need a brief second to comprehend. He gives you a second to think and then tells you something else, waits for you to respond, tells you something and now you're interested.
In a different scenario, a stranger walks up and rolls right into his life story. It's like, dude who are you and why are you telling me all of this.
edit: i just saw in a previous post that you explained what he was and where he's from D:
Oh fuck yes a writing thread. I don't really consider myself a writer yet (you have to actually write for that to be true... haha), but I'm hoping to write more often and I believe I may post a bit of my work in this thread.
[QUOTE=Loofiloo;40434305]Definitely not the second one. That would get way too damn confusing way too fast.
I don't see anything wrong with the first method at all. I read The Sun Also Rises recently, and like 75% of the book was dialogue written exactly like that. It was perfectly readable.[/QUOTE]
And long conversations go the same?
[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;40439978]And long conversations go the same?[/QUOTE]
Here is an excerpt from The Sun Also Rises
[quote]She went by once more and I caught her eye, and she came over and sat down at the table. The waiter came up.
"Well, what will you drink?" I asked.
"Pernod."
"That's not good for little girls."
"Little girl yourself. Dites garcon, un pernod."
"A pernod for me too."
"What's the matter?" she asked. "Going on a party?"
"Sure. Aren't you?"
"I don't know. You never know in this town."
"Don't you like Paris?"
"No."
"Why don't you go somewhere else?"
"Isn't anywhere else."
"You're happy, all right."
"Happy, hell!"[/quote]
The whole book is full of segments like that, sometimes even longer. I've heard that some people find it hard to follow, but that is the most accepted form of dialogue.
A big no-no is "said bookisms." Often, using words like "replied" and "inquired" and "agreed" in place of "said" can actually harm the text, as it draws attention to the writing and breaks the flow of dialogue.
And as a general rule, you don't want to follow a quote with "so-and-so said" unless it's absolutely necessary to indicate who is talking. Generally the first one or two lines of dialogue in a conversation will have it, and then if it's just the same two people continuing to talk back and forth, and nobody else joining in, you can go quite a few lines without reminding the reader who is speaking. I've even read some books where a chapter will open up with dialogue between two people without a "said" tag, and just by reading a few sentences, it becomes clear which two characters they are, and which one is speaking at which time.
The above excerpt works like that because (theoretically) as soon as it becomes clear who is the first person to speak, you hear the two people going back and forth in your head, and both should have a distinct voice.
This is just a simple 500 word short story that I wrote for a writing competition.
[URL="http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/darthninja/1165363/"]http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/darthninja/1165363/[/URL]
[QUOTE=pakadots;40434871]I really like the plot you've set up here. I would like to see this story progress.
I thought with the very first paragraph, it could be a bit more interesting if it was written as a quote of some great person in the time frame
-quote-
Something else i noticed was a few details that took away from the setting. Bringing up einstein, or Chernobyl reminded me that i'm not in the future, that this is a present time author writing this. And a bit on the same note, all of the years being noted on was a bit hard to keep track of. this happened in 2261 this happened 3843. It was a bit disorienting and didn't quite get the assumed effect of what has happened, what hasn't.
And the ending paragraph was a bit bland. Introducing the protagonist like that is sort of weak. See if you can't spice it up a little bit.[/QUOTE]
Thanks!
Well, the story is supposed to be told in present tense while being in the future. I needed to bring up the Chernobyl disaster to get an origin of the radioactive mess that is the ground-zero Sarcophagus. And the anecdote of Einstein was just because the scientist was a direct descendant. Not really vital info for the story, though. Might remove it.
I'll see if I can note down the years differently, perhaps just saying "a year later" instead. I can see what you mean there.
As for character introduction, I wrapped that up really quickly, I know. The idea though is to make him look like as much of an ordinary guy as I can. Although I might save the details for the actual first chapter and just end the prologue with the "And this is where my story begins" cliffhanger.
Currently writing a short story (roughly 5,000 words or so). It only revolves around two characters. How often do you need to repeat their names? And when would be the time to do so? I'm concerned that I'll either say their names too much or barely mention them at all.
[QUOTE=GreenDolphin;40442834]Currently writing a short story (roughly 5,000 words or so). It only revolves around two characters. How often do you need to repeat their names? And when would be the time to do so? I'm concerned that I'll either say their names too much or barely mention them at all.[/QUOTE]
It depends what kind of stuff you're writing, if it's quite descriptive then it's sometimes tough to avoid repeating the character's names, if this is the case the try and restrict the use of names to key events and/or actions. Personally I don't think the overuse of names is necessarily a bad thing, in Bernard Cornwell's books I found he does it all the time, but you soon get used to it and don't care.
[QUOTE=Loofiloo;40440145]Here is an excerpt from The Sun Also Rises
The whole book is full of segments like that, sometimes even longer. I've heard that some people find it hard to follow, but that is the most accepted form of dialogue.
A big no-no is "said bookisms." Often, using words like "replied" and "inquired" and "agreed" in place of "said" can actually harm the text, as it draws attention to the writing and breaks the flow of dialogue.
And as a general rule, you don't want to follow a quote with "so-and-so said" unless it's absolutely necessary to indicate who is talking. Generally the first one or two lines of dialogue in a conversation will have it, and then if it's just the same two people continuing to talk back and forth, and nobody else joining in, you can go quite a few lines without reminding the reader who is speaking. I've even read some books where a chapter will open up with dialogue between two people without a "said" tag, and just by reading a few sentences, it becomes clear which two characters they are, and which one is speaking at which time.
The above excerpt works like that because (theoretically) as soon as it becomes clear who is the first person to speak, you hear the two people going back and forth in your head, and both should have a distinct voice.[/QUOTE]
That looks nice, I'll try that, thank you for the help!
[QUOTE=Darth Ninja;40440503]This is just a simple 500 word short story that I wrote for a writing competition.
[URL="http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/darthninja/1165363/"]http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/darthninja/1165363/[/URL][/QUOTE]
Haha. You posted this in the CmW thread, so i'll assume you actually [I]want[/I] some criticism.
I understand that its satire, but after the 2nd or 3rd, "What you don't like it?" it was more predictable than funny, only because you were pretty much repeating yourself. Even if you keep the reaction the same, it might help to change the way its delivered from phrase to phrase.
[QUOTE=Darth Ninja;40440503]This is just a simple 500 word short story that I wrote for a writing competition.
[URL="http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/darthninja/1165363/"]http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/darthninja/1165363/[/URL][/QUOTE]
I like it, maybe you should make another one which starts out small, and then you actually make it an amazingly long story.
Edit:
[url]http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Kirbyfactor/1165980/[/url]
A dishonored fanfiction, please give me CC!
[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;40432100]How can I make a nice flowing conversation, this looks weird for me:
'How are you?'
'Good, and you?'
And this looks wrong to me as well.
'How are you?' 'Good, and you?'[/QUOTE]
Jose Saramago doesn't use any " and ' He writes like he would tell a story so this would read like:
As the wooden door opened, Gustav has always been thinking that making him and the other old farts press buttons to open automated doors a requirement was kind of insulting, despite being very helpful of course, Jimmy apeared on the other side, swinging his cane like the pendulum that clocked down the few remaining weeks or months or years of his life rather than a walking aid. How are you? Good, how are you? Been hearing 'bout Carla, you all right? I'll do, she was older than me after all, poor old bugger, I'll miss her cold nose.
No - when it would be needed in the first sentence, no really indentification who's speaking except context.
It's really really hard to get used to reading him but it's very very rewarding in the end.
[QUOTE=inebriaticxp;40436846]thanks man
and yeah, that's pretty much where i'd use this if the mod were ever created
as of right now i'm just trying to write as many "books" to litter the world with as possible
as for the made-up names, yeah i feel you on that
oftentimes i feel that the made up names i come up with are really stupid
if you could take a look at the other ones and let me know if I should come up with new names for places/species, then that'd be swell because even now i'm not sure the names i wrote will stick[/QUOTE]
my only real problem with the names is that they don't seem to fit too well together, and come off as a tad patchwork. it seems kind of odd that a geologist would focus so much on the geographic features of the landscape rather than the geological ones.
"five continents upon which all known living organisms reside" is kind of a weird line. where else would organisms reside? (which sort of brings me back to that whole is the speaker native thing, but I'm over-focusing on that so...)
I also noticed you did use a few actual names this time (Antigua and Ossetia, might be others). Ossetia works in this case because it sounds real, but isn't something that may have connotations associated with it, like Antigua, which i feel sticks out a bit. (ossetia also contrasts somewhat with the district names. if you asked me to find ossetia on a map, i'd look along the black sea; if you asked me to find palatia i'd look along the adriatic)
the paragraph about Negregaine (this is probably just me but you mentioned morrowind and i read nerevarine the first time i saw it) felt kind of weird but I can't really think of anything specific. it may be that 600 years seens an oddly long time to both keep borders closed and manage to keep everyone in/out, or that if the borders are completely sealed, information really wouldn't be sparse, it would be rumor.
on the third piece you over-reinforce the 'everyone is equal' idea.
the description of the salachians is a bit odd - the prepositional phrase 'of which i am a member' is too far from the sentence subject, imo. at first, I though the speaker was trying to say he was a member of the Human evolutionary family. You probably could also get away with referring to the Magestrat University as just 'the University', after the first mention - the second mention's proximity to mages is somewhat off-putting.
(though this is just a pet peeve of mine) humans are the boring, middle-ground between other races with presumable bonuses and decrements - I'd find it more interesting if race colored itself in more abstract bonuses - possibly playing off of regional cultures and the opinions of individuals.
sorry for not going that deep, reading it over I mostly skimmed the surface with this one. and to answer your question (because reading it over I noticed I didn't really answer it), some of the names are alright, but I'd feel better if I could get a sense of overarching culture from them. I don't really have much advice on what makes a name sound real - I'm sure there is some way you could create real-sounding place names with consistency, but beyond trial and error and asking lots of people, I don't have much to help with there
[editline]23:58[/editline]
also realized i haven't posted anything I've written yet, so here goes:
[url]http://tmblr.co/Z4pBzsemYiyh[/url]
If any of you are interested in the process of writing short stories that isn't laborious, I suggest you take a look at one story. It's a magazine published every month or so with a short short and a Q&A with the author, that usually reveals their writing process. Great for introducing yourself for new styles, and way to write. Also, the stories are usually pretty great.
[url]http://www.one-story.com/[/url]
A writing thread in the CC? It's finally happened? I'm not the best critic but I could probably help with basic editing if anyone needs it. I have a tumblr where I put up my work, but I haven't written anything in awhile. I wonder if I should place some of it up here for you guys? :dance:
We had some before but they got inactive too fast.
[QUOTE=AngryToad;40450444]
[editline]23:58[/editline]
also realized i haven't posted anything I've written yet, so here goes:
[url]http://tmblr.co/Z4pBzsemYiyh[/url][/QUOTE]
Wowee, that was neat. I hope you make some sort of story with that. Nothing really jumps out at me criticism-wise except that theres no plot, but i imagine it's the idea that you're trying to convey in this little piece. Also, it would be cool if you explained the flying or exploring the woods a bit deeper. maybe spots in the forest or mountains or any thing that would give the character and reader a sense of discovery as opposed to pure appreciation.
cynical poems :
I’m sure you’re a wonderful person
But get burnt up in a house fire
And see if guys still like your pictures
We thrive on negativity
Self-loathing
Suicidal images
But please don’t tease the homosexuals
I tried to show how deep I am
I played some Bob Dylan in class
Who they said
I’m above you
I don’t talk about it
So you won’t know it
Oh Please Please
I’d love to hear how drunk you got
And I’m totally serious
Just do it
Copyrighted by Nike
Popularized by cynics
Talking to their depressed friends
I could never fit in with your kind
I watch The Office not 30 Rock
Kids won’t understand this
In 2089
God I hate my life
Mom never buys my Gatorade
Yeah I’m in the same boat
As an African and without his goat
Just do it
Copyrighted by Nike
Popularized by cynics
Talking to their depressed friends
I'm sorry but that's very shallow.
Suburb cynism is kinda pathetic.
Alright, hopefully I didn't do to bad. Its been awhile since I have done creative writing.
[URL]https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r6kvmiQmifCITY_NiiAEhLLJ_ImUn-j7zwMs37-QCWM/edit?usp=sharing[/URL]
Also, if anyone is looking for good writing prompts look over at [URL="http://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/"]/r/Writingprompts[/URL] (Yes I know its Reddit but this subreddit is pretty good if you don't have any inspiration to write something.)
[QUOTE=Mr.Goodcat;40459538]Alright, hopefully I didn't do to bad. Its been awhile since I have done creative writing.
[URL]https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r6kvmiQmifCITY_NiiAEhLLJ_ImUn-j7zwMs37-QCWM/edit?usp=sharing[/URL]
Also, if anyone is looking for good writing prompts look over at [URL="http://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/"]/r/Writingprompts[/URL] (Yes I know its Reddit but this subreddit is pretty good if you don't have any inspiration to write something.)[/QUOTE]
Whats up Mr. goodcat. Very first thing i noticed, there are many redundancies. "Tommy held the broken beer bottle in his hand, sweat started to ooze into the palm of his hands as he moved slowly backwards."
How else would he hold a beer bottle? 'sweat started to ooze into the palm of his hands', the palm is descriptive enough, adding of his hands is wasted space. You see what i mean? You have these sort of unnecessary repetitions through out.
There isn't any voice also. I can't feel [I]you[/I] or what you stand for in this story, which makes it feel kind of bland. That isn't meant to discourage.
You were able to bring pictures to my mind, like the part about him grinning behind the mask. The pictures would be a lot more intense and interesting if coupled with your voice though.
[QUOTE=pakadots;40460232]Whats up Mr. goodcat. Very first thing i noticed, there are many redundancies. "Tommy held the broken beer bottle in his hand, sweat started to ooze into the palm of his hands as he moved slowly backwards."
How else would he hold a beer bottle? 'sweat started to ooze into the palm of his hands', the palm is descriptive enough, adding of his hands is wasted space. You see what i mean? You have these sort of unnecessary repetitions through out.
There isn't any voice also. I can't feel [I]you[/I] or what you stand for in this story, which makes it feel kind of bland. That isn't meant to discourage.
You were able to bring pictures to my mind, like the part about him grinning behind the mask. The pictures would be a lot more intense and interesting if coupled with your voice though.[/QUOTE]
Thanks for the critique, and yeah I defiantly know what you mean now that you bring up redundancies. Also could you explain how I could make it my voice and how I could accomplish that?
[QUOTE=pakadots;40437937]if that's the approach you're going for, it's a bit too much information right up front. it got me interested in what race he is, or what happened to the humans, but as a character i didn't really care what he was saying. he shouldnt be out right saying "I like science" you should give us instances to infer that and invest in him.
to better explain what i mean i'll give you an example.
A stranger walks up to you and tells you something, you're caught a little off guard, and need a brief second to comprehend. He gives you a second to think and then tells you something else, waits for you to respond, tells you something and now you're interested.
In a different scenario, a stranger walks up and rolls right into his life story. It's like, dude who are you and why are you telling me all of this.
edit: i just saw in a previous post that you explained what he was and where he's from D:[/QUOTE]
I can certainly understand that, though that first entry was more of him as a kid, a bit more peppy and not as good at explaining his motivations. Also the diary is kind of his account of what happened, to help record what he remembered, and he usually didn't consider it being read by humans so he sometimes skips out on things that humans would want to know, but are more apparent to zoogs like himself.
So are you suggesting the entries should be lighter on the info, with important points interspersed between sequences of more everyday stuff?
[QUOTE=ironman17;40434529]Well, it took a while, but I've written the first entry of The Diary of Jeremiah Shaft; expect elements of sci-fi and fantasy.
It's a first draft, as most things are, but I'd still care for feedback and critcism.[/QUOTE]
All right, I will have a run through this one. I find it weird that you say this:
[QUOTE=ironman17;40489457]he usually didn't consider it being read by humans so he sometimes skips out on things that humans would want to know[/QUOTE]
Because to me, this sounds less like a diary of his own inner thoughts, and more like he's acting as a vessel to explain every aspect of the world he lives in. Some examples:
[quote]she added salts of essence to the spice rub, which was really cool since I know about those things from science class. According to my teacher, salt is good for storing magical energies because of something about ions; I don't fully understand what ions are, but what I do know is that when salts are charged with magical energy, they release those energies into the body when they're digested, helping people restore their magical energies faster than simply breathing the natural atmospheric aether[/quote]
That sounds like writing "I got a DVD for my birthday. My dad says that stands for Digital Video Disc. It's a small, round piece of plastic which, when I put into a specially-built DVD player, will display moving images and play pre-recorded sounds on a nearby screen, provided that it is connected by several electrical cables." It's like he's explaining in detail things that he already knows.
[quote] what I believe is that the "Plaguefather" is what scared people use to give a face to the plague [B]of undeath that's caused the villages outside of the mountain to get sick and try to attack us[/B],[/quote]
The whole bolded part reads like exposition, not personal thoughts.
[quote]even if there was an evil man ordering the zombies [B](that's what we call them)[/B][/quote]
Big red flag here. He [i]knows[/i] that's what they call them. That's why he called them that.
It'd be really cumbersome for me to pick specific parts out of paragraph 2, but in short, he dedicates way too much time to explaining the rules of the game they played. It might make sense if it was a game they all made up on the spot, but if it's something that he and all his friends are familiar with, there's no need to explain every single rule.
[quote]Emile was really good at hiding, able to stay cloaked for a really long time, though he had to drink lots of green tea afterwards so he wouldn't go crazy from how his "willpower" was drained. That's one of the strange things about magic; spells make you tired like you've been running a lot, but psychic powers don't, and instead they apparently draw energy from the "mental immune system" that the school nurse talks about all the time. Using psychic powers too much makes you see things that aren't actually there, and sometimes makes you see things that actually are there, but not in our world.[/quote]
Again, here it reads like he's explaining all the "rules" of how this world works, which are presumably part of everyday life. This would be like me explaining how sleep basically works. There would be no reason for me to explain this in the context of a diary, unless I was actually addressing someone who had never seen anyone sleep in their life.
[quote]Another time, after I learned about the ancient human empire[B] of these lands[/B], I sneaked into [B]a part of the house where Dad warned me and my brother never to go to;[/B] the basement.[/quote]
A couple of unnecessary parts. Why is it specifically the human empire [i]of these lands[/i]? As opposed to other specific human empires?
And again, he's explaining things that he already knows. He can just write "I sneaked into the basement" and [b]he[/b] would know the significance of it already. He doesn't have to explain to himself why this matters.
[quote]but whilst our New Era calendar was founded nearly 200 years ago, the latest year in the documents appeared to be 2037 "A.D".[/quote]
The exposition is a little ham-fisted here too. Again, he would know why 2037 is an unusual number, and doesn't need to explain to himself that their calendar only chronicles 200 years.
[quote]These things were very expensive and hard to come by, being that even skilled mechanists had difficulty emulating the mechanisms found in the computers that the Orpheans carried with them when they escaped the Underworld,[/quote]
Again, it feels like he's explaining a significance that he already knows.
Overall, this is the biggest recurring problem with the text. The only way I can see it making sense in this context is if he's grown extremely paranoid that one day there's going to be some disaster so catastrophic that it changes the laws of physics as he knows them. That, or he strongly believes that one day it's going to be read by an alien species that has no idea what the earth is like. But unless 12-year-old rat-people's minds mature a lot faster than humans', I don't see him being that mentally unstable or forward-thinking. Plus, I don't get the impression that this is the case, since he's still in school and living under his parents and playing games with his friends at his birthday party.
And another thing: Every time he says someone's name, it's prefaced with "my friend" or "my brother" and so on. Again, if he is in fact writing this for his own benefit, not specifically for other people to read, he doesn't need to indicate who all these people are. I understand why [i]you[/i] put them in the text this way, but I don't see why [i]the character[/i] does it. With his friends, you can probably just drop the "my friend" part entirely, and readers will likely assume that since he's playing with them at his birthday party, they're probably his friends. As for introducing his brother, maybe try to write some little sentence that [i]implies[/i] their relationship instead of flatly saying what it is. Maybe something like "I wish Mom and Dad would just give me his room, since he's never around to use it." I don't know where that sentence could go specifically, but you get the idea. The sentence implies both that they're brothers, and that he's always busy away from home, without specifically referring to him as "my brother."
[quote]
The sun shines on the Parisian streets, just rising to greet the melancholic city with its brilliant radiance. Shadows are cast; a boy, and a woman, walking towards a small coffee shop beneath the gaze of a three-story apartment complex. The skyline is beautiful, the sun bathing everything in a light orange haze. It’s dominated by a large steel tower, and the city expands outward, and not upward. The boy takes a seat at a table, and the woman goes inside. The boy is uneasy, and dressed in a white tee with crude disposable pants on. He has a band on his wrist, saying amidst numbers and dashes, “PATIENT”, beneath the date “5/11/95”.
After a short while, the woman walks out of the shop with a tray of coffee and pastries. She sits down, and interrupts the patient’s anxious placidity.
“Croissant?” She asks.
The patient responds, “No thanks, but thank you.” He bites his upper lip and looks away, clearly uneasy.
“Alright…” There is a slight silence as the first of many cars drives by. “How are you feeling?” The woman asks.
“I’m… You know.” The boy says. Suppressed emotions well up and manifest in a lip quiver and an anxious voice, scampering out from a mind buried by a tempest of trauma and emotions. “We’ve done this before, you know how it goes. You ask me questions, I tell one truth and two lies, and I get crazier and you get more frustrated.”
The woman lets out a sigh, and takes a sip of her coffee. The woman is in her mid thirties, brunette, and slightly on the short side. "I've got to go to the bathroom. Why don't you... come with me?"
The boy's anxiety turns to confusion, as he says "Uuh, alright..." The boy is ushered from his seat, and the woman looks back with lust in her eyes. They walk past the cashier, who turns a blind eye to their passage. They both enter the woman's bathroom, and the woman pushes the boy up against the wall.
"Make love to me." she commands, beaming her eyes straight into the boy's. "M-mademoiselle.." the boy responds, lost on the intersection of lust and shame. The woman forces a kiss onto the boy, and unbuttons her shirt. Her breasts appear to have small lumps on the nipples, confusing the boy. She lifts off her undershirt and takes off her bra, revealing a small penis on each nipple.
"M-mademoiselle!" the boy interrupts, pushing against the woman. She's surprisingly strong, and his resistance only makes her dick nipples harder. "Mademoiselle..! What are you?" the boy yells, before being silenced by the woman.
"I am Narguth, warrior princes of Nipdickiana, and I have come to steal your semen"
To be continued?
[/quote]
oc by Neat! (c) Neat! do not shteal
Battlestar Galactica fanficiton I wrote. [url]http://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/the-long-war-nubsg.250397/[/url]
give me some time to get some feedback up
I wrote something, not a fanfic this time, check it out:
[url]http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Kirbyfactor/1168611/[/url]
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