[QUOTE=twoski;39626674]I explained to my friend last night (who is in a ~2 year relationship) that he's really lucky to have what he has. He gets along great with his girlfriend and they are awesome together. He told me he wonders sometimes if he's missing out on "the college experience".[/QUOTE]
The college experience can also be meeting a really cool girl that you want to be with for a while
[editline]17th February 2013[/editline]
[QUOTE=twoski;39620714]I'm still kicking myself for not saying something when the girl i'm dating told me she was going to "have fun" with her ex before he leaves the country forever. I've described my situation to my friends and all of them think it's weird. Some of my friends even told me to just straight up leave her.
I haven't seen her for a good while so i'm going to try and do something with her this coming wednesday or friday or something. If she can't make time for me on any of those days then i think i'm just going to do myself a favor and leave because if she can't make time for me in a 3 week period then obviously she isn't putting any effort in.
I'm basically going to tell her that i feel like i've been having to badger her to do anything which isn't cool, and that i'm not trying to guilt trip her but i don't want to have to twist her arm every time i want to see her. I'm not being overly clingy, i try and do something with her every 2 weeks or so which is plenty of space. I'm going to bring up her ex and how i feel uncomfortable being "the other guy". Basically, i'll just ask her to put herself in my shoes so she can see where i'm coming from because it's kind of unfair that she's pretty much just putting me on hold so she can do whatever she wants.[/QUOTE]
Have you read everything you just said? You're obviously in way deep and I can't tell you she's not worth it with any hope or authority, but lets be clear, she's not worth it and you should evaluate everything from a more removed perspective
It's not an ideal situation but i'm not the kind of person to just straight up walk away from something without any closure. Shit, i don't even know if her ex has left the country at this point even. She could just be preoccupied with family matters and i'm conjuring up all these wild ideas in my head about her ex. My biggest mistake here was not communicating enough with her about this.
Like i said, i'm going to assert that i want to see her someday next week and if she tries to come up with some excuse not to see me then i'm going to force the issue via texts, for better or worse.
[QUOTE=twoski;39627574]It's not an ideal situation but i'm not the kind of person to just straight up walk away from something without any closure. Shit, i don't even know if her ex has left the country at this point even. She could just be preoccupied with family matters and i'm conjuring up all these wild ideas in my head about her ex. My biggest mistake here was not communicating enough with her about this.
Like i said, i'm going to assert that i want to see her someday next week and if she tries to come up with some excuse not to see me then i'm going to force the issue via texts, for better or worse.[/QUOTE]
Regardless of communication errors, she clearly communicated that she wanted to fool around with her ex before he left, you came second, not as a potential suitor, but your feelings as a person came second to this other dude.
This isn't a matter of being nice and understanding for her, "maybe she's going through some stuff", no doubt she is. What's clear is that this isn't her time for trying to make a new connection with you. This is a matter of you having some pride, you deserve someone who won't jerk you around, even the shittiest of good people would have been more careful with your feelings
[QUOTE=babyarm-bat;39627716]Regardless of communication errors, she clearly communicated that she wanted to fool around with her ex before he left, you came second, not as a potential suitor, but your feelings as a person came second to this other dude. [/quote]
Correct, and this is one of the main things i am going to convey to her when we talk.
[quote]This isn't a matter of being nice and understanding for her, "maybe she's going through some stuff", no doubt she is. What's clear is that this isn't her time for trying to make a new connection with you. This is a matter of you having some pride, you deserve someone who won't jerk you around, even the shittiest of good people would have been more careful with your feelings[/QUOTE]
That's a little overkill i'd say. The way she so casually brought it up with me brings me to believe that she didn't realize how thoughtless she was being. Remember that we had only been seeing eachother for roughly a week when she told me this, i suppose i became a little more emotionally invested over time than i should have. This is my problem though, and i'm going to deal with it.
What i'm wondering is, should i just say screw it and initiate this conversation with her over texts ASAP or wait until tuesday (when her visiting family leaves) and try to set up a meet. I think i'd prefer to talk this out in person with her but at the same time i feel that i should address this stuff as soon as i can. The longer it waits, the more it eats away at me needlessly.
Ideally what i want to do is talk to her tomorrow about doing something on wednesday and if she deflects or declines then i'm going to force the conversation.
[QUOTE=twoski;39627925]Correct, and this is one of the main things i am going to convey to her when we talk.
That's a little overkill i'd say. The way she so casually brought it up with me brings me to believe that she didn't realize how thoughtless she was being. Remember that we had only been seeing eachother for roughly a week when she told me this, i suppose i became a little more emotionally invested over time than i should have. This is my problem though, and i'm going to deal with it.
What i'm wondering is, should i just say screw it and initiate this conversation with her over texts ASAP or wait until tuesday (when her visiting family leaves) and try to set up a meet. I think i'd prefer to talk this out in person with her but at the same time i feel that i should address this stuff as soon as i can. The longer it waits, the more it eats away at me needlessly.
Ideally what i want to do is talk to her tomorrow about doing something on wednesday and if she deflects or declines then i'm going to force the conversation.[/QUOTE]
I'm not saying her ignorance of your feelings was purposeful, but it's still there. Consider that she isn't feeling any of the same stress that you are right now, you guys aren't meeting in the middle in any sense, you're right in trying to communicate all of your feelings to her right now because I doubt she's aware. BUT, keep in mind this wont likely change anything cause she probably never even considered you in the same way you want to connect to her.
I've been here and I really feel like it's something you have to experience, but I can at least try to alleviate future negativity with some advice.
Really dude, I know in a few weeks you'll be in here decrying it all, and I just hope you keep it in mind that most of us will know what you'll be going through
This whole conversation is just reminding me of how i'm still awkward friends with my ex and every so often he messages me on facebook in a "hey see how your doing" or "im sorry" message (He broke up with me, perfectly good reasons and best choice for both of us Although I was of course upset at the time. He's an overly nice person and I think can't completely grasp that I'm almost completely okay with it and he can stop apologizing and clarifying himself, it's been over a year)
But ive mentioned to my current bf how he messaged me once, and I know it makes my bf uncomfortable when I talk with my ex about stuff. I try not to mention it a lot, but at the same time I don't want to not tell him because then it just feels wrong, because I know its not something he is completely okay with.
If that garbled mess makes any sense to anyone I dunno. It's just a small internal conflict I finally found a convenient moment to type out :v: typing out my problems always helps.
But anyway, I think you should talk to her soon. But if she is busy with her visiting family that seems pretty legitimate as an excuse for talking about it later or such if she requests it. I like your plan.
She really shouldn't be acting like that if she wants to be with you, But maybe she just isn't someone who tiptoes around people she wants to be with, ya know? Some people are friends with their exes, and it's up to her if she spends time with him. But I also think anyone who is currently in a relationship with them does have some right to be uncomfortable with it.
But I'm forgetting now are you guys actually even in a relationship, or did you just start courting?
We've been dating for about a month now. It didn't really become apparent to me that her ex was a factor until she mentioned him. I should have made it clear that i was a little uncomfortable with that idea.
If i were in a relationship with her then i'd absolutely be against her seeing her ex, all things considered. But i'm not, so all i can do is let her know i'm feeling discomfort.
I'm not mad at her and i don't want to guilt trip her for wanting to be with someone she had a relationship with before he leaves canada permanently... But this situation isn't fair to me and i have an obligation to let her know this. And if she really truly doesn't give a shit that she's making me feel conflicted then there is no reason for me to spend any more time with her. I have a feeling she will be apologetic when we discuss it.
[QUOTE=babyarm-bat;39628047]
Really dude, I know in a few weeks you'll be in here decrying it all, and I just hope you keep it in mind that most of us will know what you'll be going through[/QUOTE]
If it doesn't work out, then i'm not going to dwell on it. I'm going to stay positive though because i think she means well.
I got drunk last night and made a POF.com profile to see what it would spit out at me.
Got a page full of gross fatties and trailer trash for my trouble. Perhaps I did something wrong. But, then again, women who aren't gross and don't live in trailers probably have no reason to be fishing around on the internet.
Maybe it's a POF thing? So far I've had quite a few people show interest in me... (I'm on RSVP, an Australian site). Most of them are really nice sounding but I don't feel any physical attraction whatsoever, and although I'm not in the slightest bit shallow about looks, I fully respect that for there to be a proper connection, there really should be a physical attraction too. I would hate to 'lead someone on' because they sound nice, while the whole time I'm not really attracted to them, you know? God that sounds mean. I don't mean to be - it's why I feel so bad when I turn someone down (even if the response system available does a wonderful job of being nice about it).
Other people are both good looking and have similar interests, but then they seem to be of a wildly different character to me at the same time - big time gym enthusiasts, world travellers, that sort of stuff - not that I mind but I'm surprised they contact me after reading my profile, as I'm pretty honest about myself and what I'm looking for. Must be my charming face that draws them in hahaha
Just waiting on a reply from this lass now, hope she wants to take things further, she just seems like such a perfect fit for me. Only question is, does she see it that way...
Eh, maybe I'm just being a shallow dick about it, but they seriously all look like trailer cows from Owen County, IN. I'm far from in shape myself, but come on. Is there a box I can check somewhere for "Doesn't say ain't", "Doesn't eat pizza with ice cream on it for dinner", or "Doesn't have a cousin that cooks meth out of their trailer on Tuesdays"?
I think what it really boils down to is anyone I'm interested in wouldn't be caught dead on a dating site. IMO smart, attractive women just swing from relationship to relationship without ever actually declaring themselves "single", because it's damaging to their self esteem or some shit.
Seriously, I'm 24 and have had one relationship in my life where I really felt like I got along well with somebody, and she ditched me for not being up to whatever her standards are. I need to stop blowing this off and start looking at it as a seriously problem with my life, because other people sure as hell see it as a problem. The fucking looks you get from people when you answer "What are you doing this Valentine's Day?" with "Well, every year I buy a nice bottle of top-shelf bourbon that I usually don't get, and this year it's a small batch wheat whiskey made by blah blah blah"... Even if you're a fucking troll that isn't really acceptable for someone in their 20s.
[QUOTE=BackSapper;39571874]I've been in one, it's completely fucked me over. I'm sick of giving my all and then being hurt because of something stupid.
[editline]12th February 2013[/editline]
I guess the week thing was an asshat move.
[editline]12th February 2013[/editline]
the whole thing was an asshat move, what the fuck am i doing[/QUOTE]
Hi, it's me again, the idiot who fucked up.
I gave her some time, talked to her again, I'm sick so she insisted she came over to take care of me.
We talked about the situation, made amends and watched a couple movies together. I dunno if it was awkward or not, but she pointed out we were sitting the same way (one leg rested on the other, arms closed), so I laughed and put my arm around her. She leaned into it. She would have also stayed the night if she brought her purse (meds).
Now here's the thing, we both are single, she still thinks shes lesbian. Did I fuck up by still showing affection to her? I want to still be with her, but also I don't because I don't want to hear again that shes turning back into a lesbo and be completely hurt over it.
I feel like I'm just forcing shit that shouldn't be.
[QUOTE=BackSapper;39629323]Hi, it's me again, the idiot who fucked up.
I gave her some time, talked to her again, I'm sick so she insisted she came over to take care of me.
We talked about the situation, made amends and watched a couple movies together. I dunno if it was awkward or not, but she pointed out we were sitting the same way (one leg rested on the other, arms closed), so I laughed and put my arm around her. She leaned into it. She would have also stayed the night if she brought her purse (meds).
Now here's the thing, we both are single, she still thinks shes lesbian. Did I fuck up by still showing affection to her? I want to still be with her, but also I don't because I don't want to hear again that shes turning back into a lesbo and be completely hurt over it.
I feel like I'm just forcing shit that shouldn't be.[/QUOTE]
My case and I are in a similar situation. (long story short from the other thread, I had a crush on her even though she's a lesbian, ended up telling her anyways about my feelings, nowadays we are best friends)
We are as close as we can get to each other when just by the 2 of us, from an outsider's view we would be dating, but after all we are actually not.
The point is that you can show affection towards her if she's fine with it. We talked over the entire thing and her GF was fine with it too. (rule was as long as we don't kiss we are completely fine and her GF has given me her blessings of me being my crush's best friend)
And judging by the fact that she leaned on you once you made that move, I am expecting that she's completely fine with it too. Small signs of affection make both of you feel better anyways, but I would still ask about the subject: if she's fine being so close to you etc.
But what I can see, you are both fine with the situation, but you can still ask her about it if you wish so.
[QUOTE=Croft;39623139]Having a conversation with my ex.
Worst choice ever.
Now I feel even more depressed than before.
Downing another sleeping pill.
I hate exes.[/QUOTE]
word of advice dont be so melodramatic
things are only as bad as you let them be
So this went south pretty fast. I feel better for sticking up for myself though.
Me: What are you up to on wednesday? I haven't seen you in ages.
Her: Lol. [10 minute delay here]
Me: If you don't want to do anything that's fine too. I just feel like i'm starting to badger you so let me know if you need space. [another 10 minute delay here]
Me: Is everything cool?
Her: No its alright lets do something wednesday (she skirted my second question)
Me: As long as i'm not twisting your arm [another delay here]
Me: Are we all good?
Her: Good with what?
Me: You havent been yourself lately. If anything is wrong you can always tell me.
Her: I see what you're saying. We can talk about this on wed.
Me: Look its my bad for not addressing it sooner and im not mad/guilt tripping you. You mentioned your ex is leaving Canada so if you need time with him then i understand. I'm just confused.
Her: He has little to do with this actually.
Me: Okay well i guess i'm just fumbling around in the dark here trying to make sense of this.
Her: I feel we should have discussed our expectations sooner.
Me: Well whats on your mind?
Her: I made this Okcupid profile to take my mind off my breakup. I wasnt and still am not looking for more than friends.
Her: I apologize if it doesnt seem this way.
Me: Well your profile said you wanted a relationship and given that we've been on dates and everything i just assumed naturally that you wanted more than friends.
Me: I'm disappointed that you didn't say a word to me about this, all things considered.
Her: I didn't know where and when to say it.
Me: Well shit, dude. I'd have preferred if you took the time to tell me instead of giving the cold shoulder. You didn't consider my feelings at all.
Her: I haven't given you the cold shoulder.
Me: The fact that you left this issue until i basically had to force it is pretty disconcerting.
Her: Well i wanted to discuss in person.
Me: Sigh. Okay well i'm a little sad but i still want to meet up and talk.
Her: I should have said something sooner. Sorry. :( I didn't want to hurt your feelings but obviously i failed.
Me: You're a fun person and i like you a lot. I just feel that i've been misled.
Her: I like you too.
Me: But not that way. You turkey head.
Her: Well..
Her: It's complicated.
Me: I've always been straight with you so all i ask is that you tell me the truth. The good news is that you can't exactly do any worse at this point.
Her: Lmao
Her: I'll explain myself
Me: Save it for wednesday.
The only way i can see this ever working out is if she actually starts pulling her own weight. Regardless of what she says on wednesday i'm going to keep my distance for a while and focus on other things. If she really wants to make this work then i'm not going to lift a finger, i've already done more than enough for her.
Don't take me wrong but I'm telling this straight to you:
You sound so insecure in your text, like... you use and abuse of things like "if I'm not bothering you", "If that's ok with you" that it's almost painful to read. It's like you're always assuming that she might not want to do stuff with you it's kind of annoying. Also, you're constanlty asking "are you ok", "is everything ok with you" jeez, you're a sticky person. I think asking once gets the idea sent.
You sound really really desperate there even if you're trying to act like you're not.
Stop being so "beta" and start being more assertive in your speech. Say what you want and don't lose yourself into little details and speculations on wether she might or might not be ok with what you're asking.
Also, I can't quite put my finger on what's going on with your love life. I mean you got a heart broken last week by some girl who didn't care about you and now you're deep in another "relationship" with another girl... It's weird... specially because in this case one can easily see that you're not entirely at ease and tranquil while talking to her.
So I'm assuming this girl is the same OkCupid girl as before, who gave you lots of signals and told you that she wasn't interested in you. After her behavior in which a person with some dignity would politely back away and be on it's way you somehow still insist that she should recognize your feelings.
Still after that, you kinda accuse her of giving you the cold shoulder when you forced the subject online when you should have been patient and waited for the time to meet her in person to talk about things.
It doesn't take much of a person's time to see where you did go wrong. I don't think she's been cold or disrespectfull for your feelings. Honestly I think you're being stubborn about wanting things to develop here and now (like you're forcing closure to the subject ASAP) when you should be more forthcoming in accepting things as they are be patient enough to hit the road and move on.
I'm not ranting you here, I'm just being as honest as I can with you.
[editline]18th February 2013[/editline]
[QUOTE=twoski;39633576]
[B][U]The only way i can see this ever working out is if she actually starts pulling her own weight.[/U][/B] Regardless of what she says on wednesday i'm going to keep my distance for a while and focus on other things. If she really wants to make this work then i'm not going to lift a finger, i've already done more than enough for her.[/QUOTE]
This working out? There is nothing going on between you two so don't expect or demand her to be pulling weight. She was very specific about not wanting anything with you.
Don't play games.
she's acting exactly like i would expect given the previous posts youve made about her
shes clearly just not looking for anything serious, and she's just kinda messing around and having fun
and then you come to her and get upset when she doesn't treat you right and act all clingy, and she just kinda brushes you away
i dont know why youre still pursuing her because she clearly isn't interested in a full blown relationship with you
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;39634538]Don't take me wrong but I'm telling this straight to you:
You sound so insecure in your text, like... you use and abuse of things like "if I'm not bothering you", "If that's ok with you" that it's almost painful to read. It's like you're always assuming that she might not want to do stuff with you it's kind of annoying. Also, you're constanlty asking "are you ok", "is everything ok with you" jeez, you're a sticky person. I think asking once gets the idea sent.
You sound really really desperate there even if you're trying to act like you're not.
Stop being so "beta" and start being more assertive in your speech. Say what you want and don't lose yourself into little details and speculations on wether she might or might not be ok with what you're asking.
Also, I can't quite put my finger on what's going on with your love life. I mean you got a heart broken last week by some girl who didn't care about you and now you're deep in another "relationship" with another girl... It's weird... specially because in this case one can easily see that you're not entirely at ease and tranquil while talking to her.
So I'm assuming this girl is the same OkCupid girl as before, who gave you lots of signals and told you that she wasn't interested in you. After her behavior in which a person with some dignity would politely back away and be on it's way you somehow still insist that she should recognize your feelings.
Still after that, you kinda accuse her of giving you the cold shoulder when you forced the subject online when you should have been patient and waited for the time to meet her in person to talk about things.
It doesn't take much of a person's time to see where you did go wrong. I don't think she's been cold or disrespectfull for your feelings. Honestly I think you're being stubborn about wanting things to develop here and now (like you're forcing closure to the subject ASAP) when you should be more forthcoming in accepting things as they are be patient enough to hit the road and move on.
I'm not ranting you here, I'm just being as honest as I can with you.
[editline]18th February 2013[/editline]
This working out? There is nothing going on between you two so don't expect or demand her to be pulling weight. She was very specific about not wanting anything with you.
Don't play games.[/QUOTE]
Okay i'm going to tell you this one last time: that picture i posted was [b]not a conversation i had[/b]. It was something i saw on some other image board and i thought it was funny so i posted it here. The usernames in it are basically a dead giveaway that it isn't me. It was a joke but you seem hell bent on misinterpreting it as a conversation i had.
There is only this one girl i've been pursuing. I still like her but if she's not ready to actually put forward any effort then i'm basically going to tell her straight up on wednesday on no uncertain terms that i'm finished. Whether or not she's willing to even try is something i'm going to find out.
I agree that i've invested too much emotionally in this, i'm standing back and viewing it for what it is now. I'm just a guy she's been on a few dates/fooled around with. So i'm going to start acting like it.
[QUOTE=twoski;39634904]Okay i'm going to tell you this one last time: that picture i posted was [b]not a conversation i had[/b]. It was something i saw on some other image board and i thought it was funny so i posted it here. The usernames in it are basically a dead giveaway that it isn't me. It was a joke but you seem hell bent on misinterpreting it as a conversation i had.
There is only this one girl i've been pursuing. I still like her but if she's not ready to actually put forward any effort then i'm basically going to tell her straight up on wednesday on no uncertain terms that i'm finished. Whether or not she's willing to even try is something i'm going to find out.
I agree that i've invested too much emotionally in this, i'm standing back and viewing it for what it is now. I'm just a guy she's been on a few dates/fooled around with. So i'm going to start acting like it.[/QUOTE]
Seems to me he's referring to the conversation you just posted, it's cringeworthy as all fuck
I was referring to this:
[quote]Also, I can't quite put my finger on what's going on with your love life. I mean you got a heart broken last week by some girl who didn't care about you and now you're deep in another "relationship" with another girl... It's weird... specially because in this case one can easily see that you're not entirely at ease and tranquil while talking to her. [/quote]
You seem a bit pushy.
People generally don't like other people implying that something's wrong.
"Let me know if you need space" "Are we good" etc. all this stuff is really tiring to deal with, even if she wants to.
And when a girl makes a dating site profile looking for a relationship, then tells you she wants to be friends, she's most likely just telling you she doesn't want to be your girl.
Eh, and if you honestly don't understand, don't say you do. I've found it's really depressing to have someone take a guess at stuff like that, and I've made that mistake myself.
[editline]18th February 2013[/editline]
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;39634538]
This working out? There is nothing going on between you two so don't expect or demand her to be pulling weight. She was very specific about not wanting anything with you.
Don't play games.[/QUOTE]
Probably the most honest answer so far.
She doesn't want it to "work out", she wants to get on with her life, you are doing everything you can to lose her interest.
If a girl goes on a few dates with a guy, the dates are okay, yet suddenly he starts rambling about a relationship and his feelings, she's not going to think "Oh this'll pass a couple of months into our relationship"
She's going to think "I don't want this." "I don't see any reason to try this out" (Remember, she can just try again with someone else, [B]it doesn't have to be you[/B], unlike what you seem to assume)
[QUOTE=twoski;39634904]Okay i'm going to tell you this one last time: that picture i posted was [b]not a conversation i had[/b]. It was something i saw on some other image board and i thought it was funny so i posted it here. The usernames in it are basically a dead giveaway that it isn't me. It was a joke but you seem hell bent on misinterpreting it as a conversation i had.
There is only this one girl i've been pursuing. I still like her but if she's not ready to actually put forward any effort then i'm basically going to tell her straight up on wednesday on no uncertain terms that i'm finished. Whether or not she's willing to even try is something i'm going to find out.
I agree that i've invested too much emotionally in this, i'm standing back and viewing it for what it is now. I'm just a guy she's been on a few dates/fooled around with. So i'm going to start acting like it.[/QUOTE]
Did you just miss the whole part of the conversation where she just said "I'm just looking for friends"?????
[QUOTE=twoski;39634904]Okay i'm going to tell you this one last time: that picture i posted was [b]not a conversation i had[/b].
[/QUOTE]
And I'm picking that conversation up in my text where exactly?
Well I generally don't say shit like 'is something wrong?' Unless I feel that something is wrong. And lo and behold, something was. You guys are all saying very contradicting things about me. First I'm too 'beta' and now you're saying I come off as pushy/assertive? Which am I?
I think it was totally reasonable of me to bring up relationships seeing as that's the impression she gave me when we started (not to mention her profile on okc said explicitly that she wants a relationship). I'd still be sitting here wondering what to do if I hadn't discussed it with her so I am glad I did.
[editline]18th February 2013[/editline]
[QUOTE=Rhenae;39635616]Did you just miss the whole part of the conversation where she just said "I'm just looking for friends"?????[/QUOTE]
Yeah and she also is telling me that she does have feelings for me. Since we had our conversation she's been texting me nonstop. I get the feeling she just wants attention so I'm not going to give her any.
[QUOTE=twoski;39635692]Well I generally don't say shit like 'is something wrong?' Unless I feel that something is wrong. And lo and behold, something was. You guys are all saying very contradicting things about me. First I'm too 'beta' and now you're saying I come off as pushy/assertive? Which am I?
I think it was totally reasonable of me to bring up relationships seeing as that's the impression she gave me when we started (not to mention her profile on okc said explicitly that she wants a relationship). I'd still be sitting here wondering what to do if I hadn't discussed it with her so I am glad I did.[/QUOTE]
Your not pushy/assertive in an "alpha" way your pushy in a whiney way.
When i gave you advice I said I liked your plan to bring it up to her, because you needed to talk. But i also said if she asks to talk about it on wednesday then TALK ABOUT IT ON WEDNESDAY. You know what you did instead was whine and push and keep saying "are you sure nothing is wrong?" over and over in various ways to get her to say something was wrong so you could complain at her now rather than later because your impatient and whiney.
On top of that, even after she says sorry we didn't communicate well thats not what I wanted you just keep going ON and ON about how you feel betrayed and terrible because she didn't want what you wanted.
She said she wants friends and to be friends and then your STILL going on about how she "needs to pull her weight" like some serious relationship! Ugh
[editline]18th February 2013[/editline]
[QUOTE=twoski;39635692]Well I generally don't say shit like 'is something wrong?' Unless I feel that something is wrong. And lo and behold, something was. You guys are all saying very contradicting things about me. First I'm too 'beta' and now you're saying I come off as pushy/assertive? Which am I?
I think it was totally reasonable of me to bring up relationships seeing as that's the impression she gave me when we started (not to mention her profile on okc said explicitly that she wants a relationship). I'd still be sitting here wondering what to do if I hadn't discussed it with her so I am glad I did.
[editline]18th February 2013[/editline]
Yeah and she also is telling me that she does have feelings for me. Since we had our conversation she's been texting me nonstop. I get the feeling she just wants attention so I'm not going to give her any.[/QUOTE]
Right cause any girl who wants to be friends with you but not have a relationship just want's attention amirite?
Dude she wants to be your friend not your girlfriend, get over it and be civil. Stop acting like she played you for a fool stringing you on for a year or some bullshit.
edit:
Now you two have discussed your communication problems she can now assume you know what she wants, and can talk to you normally without having to avoid you to have you not cling all over her to date her. Hence she can actually talk to you again now, and isn't busy with her family that was visiting also. Of course she can text you more now.
[QUOTE=twoski;39635692]Well I generally don't say shit like 'is something wrong?' Unless I feel that something is wrong. And lo and behold, something was. You guys are all saying very contradicting things about me. First I'm too 'beta' and now you're saying I come off as pushy/assertive? Which am I? [/QUOTE]
What? Where do you see anyone telling you that? Point it out for me, really.
We're just trying to help you and you look like you're still hopelessly in denial.
[QUOTE=twoski;39635692]I think it was totally reasonable of me to bring up relationships seeing as that's the impression she gave me when we started (not to mention her profile on okc said explicitly that she wants a relationship). I'd still be sitting here wondering what to do if I hadn't discussed it with her so I am glad I did.[/QUOTE]
Maybe she still wants a relationship, just not with you.
Just because she has a profile looking for a relationship doesn't mean she can't go out and meet new people and friends, such as you, in the meantime. You're the one who shouldn't assume that you were her "one". And there you have it, a lesson to be learned.
And It's not like you did any harm in speaking to her online it's just that it would be more mature to just know your place in all this, which you clearly don't. It would be more respectful to show some patience and wait for both of you to have the opportunity to talk to each other in person than online.
The problem isn't the fact that you exposed to her what you thought of it all, it was your impatience to do so right away that kinda ruined it for you.
[QUOTE=twoski;39635692]Well I generally don't say shit like 'is something wrong?' Unless I feel that something is wrong. And lo and behold, something was. You guys are all saying very contradicting things about me. First I'm too 'beta' and now you're saying I come off as pushy/assertive? Which am I? [/QUOTE]
Being pushy is trying to compensate for being beta, and it shows you don't know how to handle the situation. Nobody said you were too assertive, you were told to be assertive with your speech.
[QUOTE=twoski;39635692]
I think it was totally reasonable of me to bring up relationships seeing as that's the impression she gave me when we started (not to mention her profile on okc said explicitly that she wants a relationship). I'd still be sitting here wondering what to do if I hadn't discussed it with her so I am glad I did.
[/QUOTE]
It was quite unreasonable to bring it up since you're not really at a point where a relationship would be [I]remotely relevant[/I]. You should've dated her, had fun with her, gotten to know her.
You seem to think dating is all about getting the person to be your partner, not getting to know eachother, have fun, and see if they might grow [I]mutual[/I] interest sooner or later.
[QUOTE=twoski;39635692]
Yeah and she also is telling me that she does have feelings. Since we had our conversation she's been texting me nonstop. I get the feeling she just wants attention so I'm not going to give her any.[/QUOTE]
Ok, be a sperg if that's what you want.
Or you could take your god-given chance not to be a beta, and stop focusing on unimportant nitpicking and [I]talk to her[/I]. Not about relationships. Not if she likes you or not. But regular shit. If you actually enjoy eachothers company, that wont be a problem, and your chances of getting along will be ten times greater than it will be if you keep acting out and trying to "analyze".
[QUOTE=twoski;39635692]Well I generally don't say shit like 'is something wrong?' Unless I feel that something is wrong. And lo and behold, something was. You guys are all saying very contradicting things about me. First I'm too 'beta' and now you're saying I come off as pushy/assertive? Which am I?
I think it was totally reasonable of me to bring up relationships seeing as that's the impression she gave me when we started (not to mention her profile on okc said explicitly that she wants a relationship). I'd still be sitting here wondering what to do if I hadn't discussed it with her so I am glad I did.
[editline]18th February 2013[/editline]
Yeah and she also is telling me that she does have feelings for me. Since we had our conversation she's been texting me nonstop. I get the feeling she just wants attention so I'm not going to give her any.[/QUOTE]
instead of blaming eveyrone in this thread for being wrong, maybe take a step back and listen to what we say?
[QUOTE=Rhenae;39635745]Your not pushy/assertive in an "alpha" way your pushy in a whiney way.
When i gave you advice I said I liked your plan to bring it up to her, because you needed to talk. But i also said if she asks to talk about it on wedney then TALK ABOUT IT ON WEDNESDAY. You know what you did instead was whine and push and keep saying "are you sure nothing is wrong?" over and over in various ways to get her to say something was wrong so you could complain at her now rather than later because your impatient and whiney.
On top of that, even after she says sorry we didn't communicate well thats not what I wanted you just keep going ON and ON about how you feel betrayed and terrible because she didn't want what you wanted.
She said she wants friends and to be friends and then your STILL going on about how she "needs to pull her weight" like some serious relationship! Ugh
[editline]18th February 2013[/editline]
Right cause any girl who wants to be friends with you but not have a relationship just want's attention amirite?
Dude she wants to be your friend not your girlfriend, get over it and be civil. Stop acting like she played you for a fool stringing you on for a year or some bullshit.
edit:
Now you two have discussed your communication problems she can now assume you know what she wants, and can talk to you normally without having to avoid you to have you not cling all over her to date her. Hence she can actually talk to you again now, and isn't busy with her family that was visiting also. Of course she can text you more now.[/QUOTE]
Actually her family is here till Tuesday... Not that it matters since we're meeting on wednesday.
Honestly what would you have done differently if you were in my position? You saw how it began, it was painfully obvious something was amiss when she wouldn't even answer my simple question directly. And no it isn't because 'she is busy' because we were having a full blown conversation before I asked her. I'm getting tired of guessing what exactly she's looking for. Maybe you disagree with my methods but I got what i wanted and whatever other loose ends we have will be tied up on wednesday.
If she just wanted to be friends I would understand but the fact that she said she has feelings for me AFTER her spiel about just wanting to be friends makes me wonder exactly what she really wants.
what i would have done is maybe continue to spend time with her, maybe not, depending how i was feeling, but instead NOT pressure her for a full relationship and whine when she says no
and then i definitely wouldn't have kept twisting her words in my mind to make it seem like she was the one who was giving mixed signals (although in reality it was a pretty solid "no")
I haven't pressured her for a relationship at all. I simply wanted to know why she has been acting so distant as of late. There was an elephant in the room so I made a point of addressing it. Everything kind of unraveled as soon as we started talking about it, and it was probably for the best since both of us has it on our minds. It's not like we're not speaking anymore, worst case scenario we will remain friends.
And I haven't twisted anything. She has said explicitly that she still has feelings for me. I've only posted a hand full of our conversation here but I can tell you with certainty that there are mixed signals and I'm quite skeptic of it all.
I have received more texts in the past half hour than I have since Thursday. Im going to keep my distance until we meet in a couple of days, talk things over then go on my way.
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