Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v10 - Don't send any TELEGRAMS. - General

this seems like a really weak excuse man. i don't want to continue harping on you for the sake of it because everyone else has done it already but saying you just do whatever anyone wants just because you haven't eaten is pretty lame, and really makes it look like you're still trying to dodge the fact that you've done something wrong. i'll take getting drunk faster and maybe going a bit further with the drinking than normal because of that but to say you're just at the whim of everyone else because you didn't eat comes across pretty slimy when dealing with the situation you described being drunk isn't a valid excuse, just own it and move on it's not the end of the world and at least it didn't get to the point of sex. and all things considered you weren't the one initiating from what you've said but it's definitely a bit morally reprehensible to let that all happen when she straight up told you very early on that she was seeing someone.

Man I always get nervous whenever I'm texting someone new. Every other message I'm afraid to say something dumb and end up ignored. I was talking about cooking and told her I could teach her some recipes to which she responded "I'd like to ;)", I texted back that we could go to one another's place to cook in the coming weeks if she wants to but she hasn't responded yet, I hope I'm not coming off too strong...

I worded that poorly - wasn't trying to use that as an excuse (implying I should be let off the hook in some aspect/scale) but rather it's just what led to that happening. I don't expect nor deserve to be grilled any less.

She responded by giving her city of residence. She keeps using smilies so I guess it's safe.

I'm the other way around. I get so nervous I end up not responding for most of the day and probably end up looking uninterested.

I have been dating a girl for well over a year now. I love her very much, and she has made me very happy. However, college is coming in a month and a half, and she is going out of state while I stay home. I have expressed in the past that I would not desire a long distance relationship. However, I was her first big relationship, and she can’t see herself with anyone except me. The very idea of the two of us separating because of distance has put her through so much anxiety and stress the last couple of months. I brought up ending it now for her sake, and she told me that she would be so much worse off going away for college if that were to happen. All of that having been said, what should I do? I really care about her feelings and I want her to be happy, but I know that not everything works out, and I probably am not going to be very happy if I’m stuck in a long distance relationship going into college. On the other hand, it’s easier said than done to just end it right now, not only because I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but because I still love her.

One of you is going to have to give. Either you need to make an attempt to have a long distance relationship work out or she agrees to end the relationship, regardless of how it's gonna make her feel. You can't really have both. If she can't see herself with anyone except you and you love her, then ending the relationship until you're both in a position to pick it back up again will probably be your best bet. College should take precedence anyway, especially if she's moving away for it.

But that's the thing, I don't really have much I can share, otherwise I wouldn't need a dating app. It would only reflect what I already experience outside The problem is I care-but-don't-care about people. I can't break out of this loop of "everyone can make friends easily and bonds quite easily as well, yet I can't" and "people don't give a shit about me, so I must respond accordingly" I am being my enemy here but don't know how to find the strength to fight it On one hand I want more out of life: I can't stand seeing what I thought to be friends going out with their friends, seeing their crushes, having deep relationships with whoever they know, while I stay home and noone ever messages me (I had to stop following them on social media and I'm a lot happirr because of it). On the other, I won't put any effort in trying to develop a relationship with someone who is likely going to ignore me. I've become uninterested, jaded and cynical of everyone

Alright, Italian on Wednesday it is! I really gotta relax sometimes.

Long distance is tough, so if you have doubts now it will only be amplified hugely when it happens. If you dont want a LDR then bail before it happens.

i was in your same position a few years ago, though i had dated my gf at the time for all 4 years of high school. that summer before was really rough for her, i wasn't too worried about the ldr thing (thought we'd just talk and see each other eventually), but she was pretty afraid and anxious about it, and about us drifting apart/breaking up. we continued to date for the first semester of our freshman year but we really started drifting and changing a lot. ultimately we both mutually ended it over our winter break (she did kind of sort of cheat on me as well), but it wasn't super easy even though i think we had both completely mentally checked out of our relationship. im not sure what advice i'd give you, but in retrospect i think we'd both have been much better off if we broke things off and let ourselves go our separate ways before getting to college. some people can make it work, sure, but most of the people i know, myself included, didn't have their high school relationships last past freshman year of college. I generally think it's a good idea as well to go in fresh as you can really reinvent yourself and discover a lot of things about yourself and others. college is a wild and great experience and it might ultimately hurt both of you in the long run if you struggle to keep up with each other as you drift. again though don't take that completely to heart if you feel differently, some people make it work if they love each other enough and are committed. just my two cents from having been there

Had a toxic experience with someone back in January. We had different worldviews among other things, and our consensus later on as friends was that I needed someone closer to a Christian background because of my church upbringing (which was more due to my family among other things). Yeah well I found someone awesome five months later, Christian, into the same things I like, we met at a coffee shop and talked for two hours, set up a date for later. I thought it went great, and then she ghosted me. It's very demoralizing to continually run into people who seem to be in the goldilocks-zone of what you're looking for, but not matching on the other end. Ghosting feels a lot worse than someone just telling you they'd rather not go out again,.especially when they made it clear they thought you were cool.

Fuck avoidant anxiety telling you your good friends are fed up with you, and that people end up despising you once a certain ammount of time passes by. It certainly sours my enjoyment of gatherings and the like.

I've started fighting this by staying inside all the time and denying all forms of social interaction. It's going great, can't annoy someone if you're not talking to them.

We don't annoy our friends; not in a significative way. Our friends like us and care for us. We know that. Even if sometimes we don't FEEL that, it is mostly due to past experiences, or rather, fear of past experiences repeating themselves. However, we have grown beyond that, and our friends are not the people who may have hurt us in the past. We are not perfect, and we are our own harshest critics. Just take it easy and enjoy the ride.

Speak for yourself: the people who hurt me are the same people I hang with. The fear is present

You need to find better friends Unless you live in the middle of some commune in the woods, then there literally are other people to hang with No, it isn't easy to make new friends, especially if you are an adult finished with education, but this sort of defeatism is not something that you should be comfortable with.

i know the feeling of being lonely. Since i pretty much lived in omaha for about 3 years with zero physical friends. Exception is the people i chat with online. Though seriously, its much better for your mental health if you take the time and find better friends instead of hanging out with assholes. I had the same situation in HS where i was stuck with a group of people where the only reason why they were my friends is because it was the only choice i had. It'll suck at first to leave them, but it'll pay off greatly.

Went great, she's really easygoing and talkative in person which was surprising since I'm the one who carries the conversation on texts, she's the most attractive date I've had so far as well. She's funny too, we laughed a lot and took quite a while to order because we just couldn't stop talking to look at the menu. She talked about some aspects of her life, like the fact she was not doing very good until recently because of her ex cheating on her 8 months ago but managed to hit an upward trend in the last few months, a situation I can certainly empathize with. We brought up a lot of relatable stuff. I elected to let her talk and actively listen for the most part, though I mentioned stuff when I thought it added to her stories, a few quips here and there. I offered to pay this time if she returns the favor next time, which she accepted "as long as it's not a four star restaurant", I offered to reiterate next week when she's free, we exchanged possible dates though we haven't settled on any yet. Then came the part I'm always the most nervous about, to kiss or not to kiss. Well, it was kinda bizarre. She drove me to the station and stopped near a bus stop to drop me. Some time after she parked a cyclist swerved by and started insulting us, then hit the traffic light pole and fell. In the confusion, given we were blocking traffic and since it didn't really seem like the ideal time to have a passionate kiss, I just went for a regular bise. She seemed a bit confused and I'm not sure if she put her head away because she though I was going to full on kiss her or because she didn't know which side I was going to peck. So now my anxiety is focused on whether she actually wants to go on. Anyway she went home safely and we wished each other good night and kisses. The thing is while I feel really great when talking to her in person, she's weirdly more dry in texts. She even said her friends mentioned that, saying she "has no conversational skills" on that medium. I really see where they're coming from but didn't think it would be wise to tell her they have a point. Still, it means that for at least a week, our next potential date, we'll keep conversing through text. Now, while the fact she mentioned it herself gives me solace since the fact she doesn't say much in texts doesn't mean that she's not interested, it still doesn't change the fact that it's hard to gauge her interest. I was thinking that perhaps I would offer to call her on the phone for an hour or two this weekend? Would this be too early to do this sort of stuff? Fuuuuck why do I get infatuated so fast... Now it's even harder not to worry about this working out in the end...

Just set up a new date, dude, if she’s interested she’ll bite. I’m not French, but personally I wouldn’t ask to chat on the phone for an hour or two. Maybe ask to call her to set up the date, then chat on if she has time - specifying a time frame just seems odd to me. But really, just set up the next date as soon as possible, via text or voice, doesn’t matter.

I 'd rather find new friends before burning any bridge Gotta compromise to make it avoiding becoming literally alone Plus it's not that they're assholes, it's just that we are quite different and don't truly match

I just asked if we'd see eachother at the end of next week, she said yes. I asked what day but she says she can't tell me an exact date because "she might have stuff to do"... Is that okay or fishy?

Impossible for me to tell you - just ask her to let you know, say which days you're available and carry on the conversation. If she ends up not giving you any dates, chances are she's not interested anyway. Personally I don't keep a calendar, so I don't always know when I actually have the time. Maybe she's the same, and she'll get back to you about it in a couple of days.

Chill dude, don't over-analyse. She might actually have stuff to do you know?

I think what stresses me out the most is that she's dry as fuck in texts. Carrying a conversation feels like pulling teeth sometimes. She may "laugh" when I make jokes but she very rarely bounces back on what I say and simply answer questions without asking new one or making statements. She's like that with messages, apparently, and her friends told her as much. It's kind of exhausting, sometimes she just doesn't say anything if I don't include a question. So it kind of makes me concerned to have to hold on to that till next week, I'm afraid she'll end up losing interest

I'm not very engaging in texts tbh, I wouldn't take it personally. I like talking to peeps in person, as text is so very emotionless. If she loses interest in you because you're not texting enough then maybe it wasn't meant to be. If anything, maybe you're texting too much?

You can't force her to interact with you and seeing how it stresses you out just think about the following: Considering the answer she gave you, the ball's in her court. Don't force yourself to text her unless you naturally feels like it. Near the "relative" date she gave you for the meetup just send her a quick text suggesting a time that's practical for you (and offhandedly ask her if that could work for her). If "somehow" she loses interest next week I think that would say a LOT about her. It one thing for someone to be apathetic to texting but it's another if they call off a date because you weren't "entertaining" enough and I think in that case she wasn't interested in you in the first place.

I dislike the emotionlessness of texting too, I don't find it that fun myself as it's hard to gauge people's tone unless they use tons of emojis. Text is more suited for debate and arguments IMO. Maybe I'm overdoing it, I guess. Though "good night" and "good morning, how are you?" type texts seem to be well received enough. Perhaps I should space things up. Then again sometimes when I do she replies instantly so it could be weird, IDK. She's working nights today, so I guess I'll message her less today and tomorrow anyway. Just tell her good luck for the rest of her shift when I go to sleep. I suppose that makes sense. It's less about being "entertaining" than it is about having set the expectation of texting often and a decrease being perceived as something being wrong. I suppose that's a dumb way of looking at it, though.

Do you want to tell us what happened, or would it be too soon? I understand either way.

She offhandedly started mentioning migrants, I'm afraid a red flag might end up surfacing soon. Hope not, but I guess it would've been too good to be true otherwise.