Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v10 - Don't send any TELEGRAMS. - General

i did learn a lesson from time after i called her a slut.

Here's a wholesome story for you guys that I can finally share now that I have my laptop back. So, there's a girl at work that's come back for the summer because she's home from uni, and she works on a couple of departments, including my own. She's rad, short, dyed hair, cute, the whole deal. Super nice, good conversation with her, some mutual interests and shit. I sweat for a little while wondering if I should ask her to do something outside of work or not. I figure why not, so after a couple of weeks of her being back, I ask her out to get some coffee and she says yes. We meet up, get some tasty coffees, chat shit for 2 hours and I can tell she's not interested in being more than friends. I'm no fucking good at body language, let me tell you. But I can tell she's just not interested in me that way. And it's a shame, and disappointing but at the end of the day, I asked someone out, had a good time and whilst I'm not going to get a partner out of this relationship, I am gonna get a friend, and that's rad in itself. The end goal shouldn't always be an intimate relationship with someone, gaining a new friend is just as good an outcome.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean, are you saying that hooking up with tourists is a bad thing to do? The thing is, I don't feel I'm ready to start a serious relationship. My past couple relationships ended up being rebounds, which was not cool for those girls, and I'm not really in a favorable situation anyway, since I have three months of internship left and I have no idea where I'll be afterwards. I really don't want to go over the whole LDR nightmare again. So with that in mind I figured I might as well try out more casual relationships for the moment. Part of the reason I've only hooked up with tourists so far is that there's no confusion over whether or not it's the beginning of a serious relationship. Also, to be honest, they're interesting and a breath of fresh air compared to the 100% pure-bred Parisians I've dated all my life. And to be fair, it's much easier emotionally after I've had an actual night's sleep. I think FWB type deals would probably be more of my thing, though. You're not left dwelling over not being able to see them again.

Friendship is love as well, and Philos is as good as Eros.

If one night stands work for you, don’t concern yourself with whether you’re “too good” for it.

No, I was referring more to the fact that twice you've hooked up with tourists and on both occassions you seem to become very emotional afterwards which makes me think you're a bit too emotionally invested for one night stands. In the end though only you can tell what you feel works for you and what doesn't.

If you’re the one saying that you would lash out and start abusing people because they did something bad to you, then you might want to take a look at who the truly “sensitive” person is in this discussion.

Anyone have any advice on how to meet people? I'm doing post-grad ed and teaching and I've never seen myself as the "guy at the bar", you know? Like, I could never offer to buy someone a drink or start up a conversation out of the blue. Basically all my friends live back home and my primary social circle basically capped when high school ended; all my college friends live off campus so I only get to see them once in a blue moon, since we're not close enough (literally and figuratively) for it to be worth the effort in the way the old gang is. I'd just love an opportunity to make my own friends for the first time in like a decade, rather than just relying on people I already know (since it fucking sucks the few times they're not around, either IRL or online). And naturally there's the chance that I could get a date out of it along the way, which is certainly a bonus considering I've never been in a serious relationship before. tl;dr I'm fucking inept, how make friends/romance?

Meetup, Couchsurfing Choose your interests, find events, and go out there and socialize. It's been helping me a lot

I'd rather have more friends at the end of the day. It's a little disappointing that things won't go further, sure. She's cool, good looking and has a great sense of humour. But what's wrong with having a friend who's cool, good looking with a great sense of humour?

I just watched a American Highschool movie that was supposed to be a comedy (which it was) but it the end had a very emotional twist where the Protagonist has his first time with his best frind since grade 5. I didnt think much about it but now it kinda bugs me alot that I never expirienced such thing as a hightschool romance and now its to late since Im not in highschool anymore. Now to further make myself sad I looked up statistics in my country about when Teenagers had their first time and if they have already been in a proper relationship and all the numbers kinda state that im 1/4 - 1/5 of the people who havent had both. Long point short: I feel like I really missed out on something and Im sad, mad and sick at the same time. If I could I would turn back time (obv.) but now I dont know how to feel. Yes its a movie and It does not display the real world, yes the numbers might be wrong and all but that does not change the fact that alot of people have had such romances and I didnt. Mostly when I lay in bed at night I get this feeling in my stomach that Im a loser and even if I get a Girlfriend and kinda go thru the whole process back then it will not be the same. I feel like a 1st grader in a group of seniors. I will never get to experience sleeping with a girl for the first time. Her trust that Im the right person to do this with and feeling loved while going thru the easy Highschool life and not worry about anything.

the majority of high school relationships are nothing that special. you're definitely buying into the movies romanticism of what it's actually like. people aren't mature enough at that age and anyone going to lose their virginity in general will probably have a decent amount of anxiety going in, and it's highly likely that it'll be awkward and not as great as you figured, especially when you're in high school. trust me i dated a girl nearly the entirety of the time i was in high school and while i can't say i regret it fully or anything there's a large part of me that wishes i was able to focus on other things instead of spending all of my time at that age invested in a relationship that went on mostly because both of us were too afraid of ending it and seeing what that was like. in the end it was a great learning experience for a relationship and allowed me to have some sort of idea what dating is like before becoming an adult but there's more people than you think in the same boat as you and plenty of people i know in their 20s who still probably haven't even kissed a girl that i know of let alone anything else. so maybe the high school romance is a good thought to you but don't let a silly movie or statistics get you so upset about something so trivial in the end. it should in theory i think be better going into a relationship for you now being older and hopefully more mature than you were in high school even if you never were able to have that experience. worrying about all this definitely won't help your situation and doesn't change anything in the long run so you really have to try and not, even if it's hard. no one worth being with should care whether or not you've been with someone before, and especially shouldn't care about whether or not you had sex in high school

I used to be in the exact same situation, and had the same mindset as you, but after having been through several relationships starting at 20 I don't really care anymore. I don't think I missed out on much. I thought the same thing about high school social life, too. Was a bit of a loner except for a couple of friends, and it's only since recent years that I began to get more outgoing. But then I realized that the only things I missed out was getting drunk on shitty beer at some kid's parents' and making out with girls while getting our braces stuck. There's so much more interesting things you can do once you reach adulthood anyway, the only thing that would make those moments stand out is the fact that they're first times. So if you've yet to experience it, then you still have this to look forward to. Nothing wrong with being a late bloomer. If anything, your first time will probably be less awkward. Don't hesitate to tell your partner once it happens, as far as I know it's actually not a turnoff for women. Some may even feel honored or find it endearing. In any case, it should relieve the tension and make you feel more at ease, perhaps she'll even give you pointers and guide you.

High school romance is like 9 times out of 10 really dumb and full of Myspace drama.

Remember when Myspace was the big, cool thing to have?

Something that always bugged me is how the media has this habit for assuming all men who share time with a woman who isn't their girlfriend or sex partner is automatically friendzoned and feels deeply bad about it. Maybe it's just me, but I've had friends of the opposite sex who I had zero attraction with beyond just talking and doing shit. I believe it has to do with growing up and wanting more things in life than just having sex or being with someone for the sake of being with someone. I would never say no to the opportunity of making good lasting friendships, making contacts or spending time with people who I share interests with. Still I never truly understood why the media has been making such a fuzz to make people insecure about their relationships. Recently I've noticed an increase in YouTube channels talking about topics like friendzone and cheating, also other channels doing stuff like "catching cheaters" on the street by challenging them to show their texts. Then in Facebook a lot of pages tend to be sharing memes talking about stuff like "just friends", "she isn't interested in you xD" or other depressing memes, note that often the creators of these memes aren't always just Facebook users, but companies specifically devoted to make content to gain cash through advertisements. I understand when companies that sell beauty products make people insecure about their appearances so they can then buy their products to "better" themselves. But what could companies possibly gain from making people unable to trust each other or become very depressed?

If you didn't put your crush on your Top 8, do you really have a crush on them at all???

Crushes are weird, not seeing the value in friendships is even weirder to me. Honestly, if you aren't able to appreciate a friendship for what it is, and see the value in it, you are not ready for a romantic relationship. I much prefer being interested in someone, getting to know them and seeing where it goes, be it relationship or not. Over fantasizing about someone while not even knowing them (Imagine if they're actually awful instead of the perfect image you perceive them to be). Then you're in for some (not so) nice cognitive dissonance. If you think about it, you don't really fantasize about being really good friends with a stranger either, no? You just kind of meet people, and those you are compatible with tend to stick around. I have the same views for romantic relationships, you meet people of the opposite sex (or same depending on your sexuality) and if anything happens, it happens. I think the best strategy, if you wish to have any at all, is to meet and connect with people, instead of meeting people for the sake of starting relationships. But what do I know, I'm not a psychologist (yet).

I don't know how normal it is, but personally friendships are things that happen spontaneously with anybody. I don't exactly seek them out, and I value my friends: I don't fantasize about modifying our friendship status because I'm happy the way they are On the romantic side though I do try to see if there's any feeling between me and the few girls I have an interest in, just by talking and gauging my reactions and theirs. If there is no spontaneity in what we do then I am not really interested in building a friendship either. I'm able to do so should a romantic relationship end, but not the other way around

Fuck's sake, I took the decision of doing nothing this weekend because of how tired I was of my unusual week, especially since I have had lots of busy weekends lately. Bad idea. Staying inside and watching Youtube videos all day basically sucked out all my motivation after two days. Or maybe it would've happened anyway, who knows. I should've at least gone to the park and read a book or something. Dishes piled up, laundry stayed unhanged, ate fucking pasta and pizza, binge watched a series about two lowlifes which was fun, if self-reflective. I thought laying off the gas pedal would make for a welcome break but it seems more like I'm driving up a slope and doing that just takes me back to the pit. I guess if I don't kick my own ass every other day and go out of my way to do stuff I tend to end up in a vicious cycle of slacking and laziness. Now my apartment looks like shit and I can't find the energy to do something about it. Going on tinder doesn't relieve it either, obviously. Keep getting interesting looking matches but I'm not as inclined to put in the effort of saying clever or interesting stuff when I'm bored out of my mind as when I'm in a better mood, so convos just end up dying on their own eventually. Meeting people in person is probably more exciting, maybe I'll try going around town and talking to strangers to get my brain a bit more fired up when I'm at my parents' next week. Almost all my fellow interns leave next week, I'm concerned that shit will become more boring at work and afterwards. At least I have my core crew with which I do stuff every other week but I suppose that won't be enough. Maybe it's just a bit of a depressive episode. I guess those don't just happen during winter.

So it's finally come to terms how fucking bullshit my group standards are. For one thing, we have this system where we are defined by how "safe" we are. Red is basically "This person can't be trusted to do stuff for the group." This is some tyrannical communist bullshit, and I can't fucking believe the person who set this up was someone I had at one point had a crush on. I'm tempting to drop from this circle, but I'd only be back at square one at college; alone with no friends and was lucky to have good grades. Not to mention I could lose the possibility of losing the trust of three of actually decent people who seem to legit love and support me without sending my anxiety to skyrocket.

What the hell, sounds like a terribly toxic group to be in tbh.

I'm just confused by the idea of the three flag thing

Starting math on B-level (second-highest level here, aside from uni of course) in a few weeks so I can start reading psychology next year, and I'm hella nervous. I literally only have to pass the course, but it's been almost 5 years since I had any math, and I can barely remember my basics. It'll be a high-intensity course as well, meaning daily homework weekly assignments. It'll all be over in just 12 weeks, but I've a feeling it'll be the longest 12 weeks of my life thus far.

I'd recommend absconding ASAP from that group.

Just started math on B-level as well, only it will take me just under a year instead. Good luck buddy.

If your friend group needs a "three flag system" to determine who is shit and who isn't, you're in a real shitty friend group! Get outta there. Adults shouldn't need BS systems like that.

What I started to realize how BS this system is that in some cases it's hard to gauge what actually moves you up unless the one who was there is given the experience to someone's change in attitude. One I can think of is when we were at a convention with 6 of us barring our 'leader' (Where I was the one who formed this circle until she decided to step in) who is out of state. Aside from notifying bed arrangements to me at the last minute, he has improved in behavior by keeping the room clean, kept his stuff in his side of the room, and not once did he abandon his word to help people. No complaints, no hassles, no arguments. What happened after we came back? He's still RED after the 'statues updated, and so am I. We literally were different people since our last outing months and nothing changed as the three who did agree to this never changed one bit, one being a military nut(given the reason he did is because it's like fucking boot camp at our rooms), and another person because HE'S HARDLY THERE ANYWAY so he's gooood. TBH I don't know why it took so long to see how stupid this felt, but since no one has told me barring one how to fix my status, I feel like not much will change because of that one day where I flubbed up about half a year ago, we made up, and yet still won't go anywhere unless she has people with her. It's not helping us, its making those with anxiety (of which she also toots around which may explain this system to keep her safe) fear any mishaps at events rather than respect them. We're human beings, when we fuck up, we learn from it to not do it again. My one friend in that circle told me that we all make mistakes eventually, and its best to learn and to better ourselves, and that some mistakes are just out of our control. Putting his words and this flag system together really shows how it doesn't work. Thing is I think some of us are seeing that it's BS too. I can't really leave yet, not unless I can get some of the good people I know to leave it too.

You'll be fine - do you already have the grades you need or are you doing an application?

Do you mean for math or psychology? If it's the latter, I can't apply until Spring. Already been admitted to the math team.