Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v10 - Don't send any TELEGRAMS.
999 replies, posted
Sounds like you and her need to have a long talk.
To be quite honest, I too feel bad or hurt when somebody doesn't reply to my texts but after several setbacks and comebacks, I've finally learned to get rid of that mentality.
We're conditioned to think that the fact somebody doesn't reply to us is a bad thing and most people automatically assume they're being ignored or that the other person is ghosting them or whatsoever.
Most of the times, when someone hasn't replied to me, it's often because
They're sleeping
They're busy.
They're at work or school during class or at a meeting.
They're with other friends or people they care about.
Family reunion.
They're too tired and just want to rest or lay down without having to engage in a conversation.
They forgot to reply.
In pages like Facebook and Twitter you often see stuff typical phrases like this:
If you want to be with someone, you'll always find a way to talk to them no matter how busy you are
This is true if you have the mentality of a teenager or something.
For starters, there are several situations in the real world where texting is not possible:
1) If you attend college, most professors get very mad if they see you texting. I've seen people being kicked out and straight out banned for texting too much in class. So you might not want to reply. Classes in college can be long and some people (like me) go to classes continuously, so I rarely have spare time to dick around in my phone.
2) Most people don't text while driving, it's dangerous and irresponsible.
3) In some workplaces, being seen in your phone can get you in trouble, so it's better to wait till lunchbreak to reply to stuff.
4) When people hang out with close friends, family members or important persons in real life. They usually avoid texting too much or spending too much time in their phones so they can pay attention to the person in front of them, in some places around the world this is a sign of respect.
5) If you go to the woods or some place far away from civilization, you might not be able to get signal.
6) Sometimes people forget to reply.
When I was in high school people would often get mad at me because I wouldn't reply some of their texts, but the truth was that I really was either busy doing something else and forgot about replying.
Now, the real deal.
Something I've learned over the course of years and well, experiences with other people is that being rejected or abandoned doesn't mean you're a bad person.
Relationships go both ways, if the other person is incapable of listening, or at the least caring enough to explain why they can't listen to you then it's likely you don't want to be near them anyways.
When someone doesn't reply to your text, your first assumption should be that they're busy.
Now if they never reply to you and explicitly seem not to care about you, then fuck them. You'll find better people, maybe someone with an actual brain and a heart that isn't microscopic.
I think this is the right place to post this. This is a social problem I have, not love. Five years ago I moved to Chile from the States due to reasons I feel like I occasionally post too much about, so I won't go into it here unless necessary. Over time I've made a few friends, but most of whom I've had the fortune of considering close friends aside from my romantic partners. The best friends I did make have already left Chile to return home, or continue traveling. I've noticed that this is a fairly typical thing with gringos that travel here. They come and stay for a few months, or a couple years, then pack up and move onto their next destination.
I'm not like that, I'm not the traveler type, though it seems absurd considering my situation. I grew up in a upper-lower class household. I was raised on the idea that you get a job and pay your bills, and anything else is an occasional luxury. Life ended up taking me here, and don't get me wrong, I love living in Chile. There's now way I would return living in the States, especially not now with this buffoon in office.
Anyways, one of the few Chilean friends that I have that I didn't meet through my girlfriend (who is also an introvert and doesn't have a mountain of friends) is planning on taking off to live in Berlin, so it just adds to this feeling of, I don't know if this is the proper word, abandonment? It kind of feels selfish to say that, but I'm not sure how else to put it. Replacing friends has been a hurdle, because if I go to meetups with gringos then I'll either meet your typical touristy types, people who are only here temporarily, or people who are far out of my age (26) and socioeconomic (still rockin' the lower end of the spectrum) range to feel comfortable hanging out with.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice here. I just feel better getting that out there. I guess I'll just continue to live and work and see if life brings me new friends. But fuck, man. I'm not like socially awkward or anything, pretty far from it, but damn does it take some effort to get out of my comfort zone, especially in a country where I still haven't mastered the native tongue, so I can go out and meet people who don't don't feel like single-serving friends as the narrator of Fight Club would put it.
Pussied out of talking to this girl today. Never have I wanted to kick myself in the dick as much as I do now.
Fucking hate when my brain pulls this shit. This is what kills ANY chance I have, ever. This fucking horseshit right here.
Maybe you can try to not be too harsh on yourself.
I have an honest question to all of you:
Is it wrong to look up a girl on Facebook/Instagram to see if they're single or not?
They may not have updated their social media but it's not a wrong thing to do. Wouldn't bring that up though lol
I'd like to think I'm much more stealthy than that.
Nah, I’d say it’s perfectly normal to do a bit of sleuthing, just don’t be weird about it.
Okay so I have this feeling I've soured a friendship despite the friends in question never giving me an actual reason to believe that, and actually telling me I am overthinking stuff when I let some of that feeling slip 2 weeks ago; but can't shake off the feeling I've abused the friendship due to spending plenty of time with them, and now what used to be enjoyable is just grating for them, and thus they just bear with me. And I KNOW friendships don't work the way I am feeling, but I ended up wired to feel that way and I need to get rid of that.
Fuck trauma in the teenager stage, and fuck trauma when you believed you were getting over your worries (just to get them confirmed). I want to be able to have a close circle without ending up worrying about everything I do.
I've been hitting my stride recently, feeling pretty proud of myself.
I pulled into the drive-thru of a coffee shop the other day and it was one of those deals where they walk up to your car and take your order on a little tablet. I was checking out the girl who was doing it and remember thinking something along the lines of "Damn, I'll never have a chance with this girl". When she comes up to take my order we just hit it off and have a decent conversation due to me being last in a long line. I told her I was new in town and she flat out gave me her number without me asking, saying she would love to show me around. Taking her to a brewery today for a lunch date, my first real date-date since 2015.
Kinda off-topic but that seems the most in-efficient way ever to do a drive-thru.
Worked out for you in this case though!
Actually it's pretty nice because you can take the orders of a bunch of people in line while they're just sitting there waiting, they charge your card right there and everything. Once you get to the window they just hand you your drink and off you go.
In any case, yeah, I am happy. I totally lucked into this one.
I've been on a spree of listening to Jordan Peterson so I stop being a sorry son of a bitch and accomplish the things that will make my life meaningful.
I would argue that Peterson isn't the best inspiration to draw from
Peterson has argued that there is an on-going "crisis of masculinity" and "backlash against masculinity" where the "masculine spirit is under assault."[13][100][101][102] He has argued that feminism and policies such as no-fault divorce has had adverse effects on gender relations and destabilized society.[100] He has argued that the existing societal hierarchy that the "left" has characterized as an "oppressive patriarchy" might "be predicated on competence."[13] Peterson has said that men without partners are likely to become violent, and has suggested that "enforced monogamy" could be a solution to gender-related violence like the Toronto van attack.
that's gonna be a yikes from me dawg
about to see my ex-girlfriend again for the first time since early june when i move back into college on tuesday and im anxious as hell
no clue how to act around her now and i'm really worried that especially when we're all drinking that my emotions are going to get really fucked seeing her and having to be in the same space as her but it being so different
she's still all into being my friend afaik but i really don't know if i can or want to put myself through that. i think knowing that she's the one without feelings anymore and knowing how she's able to hide anything bothering her in front of our friends so that it's all on me to act normal is what stresses me out and bothers me the most. as much as i still have feelings for her and generally enjoy her as a person i really just wish i wouldn't have to see her anymore and i feel like that's a pretty awful thing to say. this whole situation still blows and unfortunately (though somewhat expected i imagine) i haven't been able to sort most of this shit out emotionally in the past 2 months since she broke things off over the phone. i have no idea what this next week will be like
If seeing her still upsets you then you should be cutting her out as much as you can and ignoring anything to do with her.
In your state you shouldnt be seeing her imho, maybe in a few years or more once you've completely moved on.
i don't really have too much choice unfortunately unless i want to cut myself out of my own friend group unless i just straight up ignore her while she's around. our friend group is all the same people and the majority of us live in the same house so she'll be over all the time
ouch that is very awkward, but I would suggest keep the alcohol to a minimum then
It's okay to hurt, man. You've gotta feel your feelings. If you're sad or mad or whatever and you don't wanna see her, then cut her off for a while, take all the space you need. If you keep those feelings bottled up without processing them properly, it'll only lead to rougher times down the line.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation; he needed space but also wanted to be friends, so all of his energy was going towards making sure she was comfortable, since focusing on himself made him feel like "the bad guy". And the thing is, it's okay to feel like the bad guy (to a point, of course); if you need to vent or establish boundaries or take some time away for yourself, there's nothing selfish about doing that. You've got a wound, and it's not your fault you've gotta wait for it to scab over before you can really get back to the way things were, you know?
my condolences
There is a stark separation from the lectures from his Psychology course lectures and interviews he has regarding his own opinions on politics. In fact, being someone who has taken many psychology courses, what he teaches is quite typical but he draws a larger variety of texts.
I find it difficult to see Peterson as credible, because he doesn't come across as if he's got his own life in order. So why would I take the advice of a seemingly broken man? His methods must not be very effective, as he seems like a very angsty and resentful man. It's honestly quite sad.
Maybe this is why so many troubled people like him, because he is relatable to them. For me personally, I'd rather look up to someone who advocates more healthy values.
@Reg , why not pick up some literature or philosophy? Go straight to the source. If you're interested in psychology that should teach you a lot. Or look up a textbook list for psychology majors or something. Chomsky, Pinker, Russel, and the like are pritty gud philosophers to read.
It's hard to tell if you're commenting in my best interest or just talking down to me. I think some of the most qualified people to talk about going through shit are people who have actually gone through shit. That's not to say he is a broken man either.
Don't patronize me. I kind of think it's rude that you think I'm not capable of discerning if someone is intelligent or is capable of advocating healthy values. Just because someone has not lived a perfect life doesn't mean they are capable of advocating for people to have good lives.
I listen to Peterson when I free time while I am working, doing errands, etc. I have read plenty of literature and philosophy (taking several university courses as well) so Peterson is obviously not my only influence. It's better listening than probably what I would listen to otherwise. I don't just listen to him, so I have course listened to Chomsky, Pinker, and Russel.
I get the feeling that people assume there is a cult of personality surrounding Peterson. I respect him because he helped better my life; if I am going to be judged for being a better person after listening to him then so be it. In my case, I needed someone to speak basic truths of life so I could find reason to keep pushing on. Maybe, that makes me an idiot but it also made me a happier person.
If you think I'm rude, then that's okay. I think we're both allowed to express our opinion on matters be it critique or commendation. However, I'm not trying to talk you down man. I've read some of Peterson's work myself, and I personally didn't enjoy it. It's just kind of generic self-help to me. If you're able to take the good out of it, and if it helps you being happy about yourself, then do so.
The people I've run into who have been a fan of Peterson are usually pretty toxic, so that's why it concerns me. These have been people who are in university too, so I don't think it's a matter of intelligence. It's pretty easy to get influenced by others, especially if you start seeing them as an authoritative figure.
I'm not even the guy you're responding too but I really needed this right now: I've been feeling guilty for avoiding someone, but I'm waiting for the wound to heal
i disagree, in fact the lack of a 'stark separation' between his psychology and his politics is his biggest flaw (second only to the extreme nature of said politics), imo. he muddies the waters between the two, to the point of appearing manipulative. but if you feel you can separate them, good for you, i think he's got some good practical advice with that whole "try to fix the problems in your life that you can fix" thing.
Take everything from Peterson with a grain of salt. I like his views on "self-authorship" and that side of his philosophy in general, but any and every time he tries to tie in religion and/or politics, it goes down the fucking drain. The man is a complete political hack, which is a shame, because he is clearly an intelligent man.
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Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v10 - Don't send any TELEGRAMS.
