Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v10 - Don't send any TELEGRAMS. - General

You should try going for a middleground, honestly. If you say you're looking for a friend, that's what you're gonna get. At the same time, if you want an actual serious relationship, there has to be some sort of platonic connection there as well. Don't beat around the bush, because then you have no one else to blame but yourself when it doesn't work out. At the same time, don't just hone in on whomever ticks X out of however many arbitrary boxes, assuming that's what makes up a personality. It's like (500) Days of Summer; just because she likes the same bands as you and is "quirky" doesn't mean she's the one (or even a remotely interesting person, for that matter). Cast aside any and all expectations, since there's next to no chance of reality lining up 100%. You'll just end up chasing false leads down paths you don't wanna go. Focus on yourself and be cognizant of any and all opportunities that come your way is honestly the best advice I can personally give.

Re-posting my advice from before for anyone who probably needs to see this: Quick word of advice to some people in the thread: Please do not act like women are some mythological being. They're human too and are capable of doing stupid things, just as you. Don't freak the fuck out when you make a mistake with a girl. Do what you can to apologize but understand your boundaries. If they don't respect your apology then leave it that. Don't follow the 20th century trope of 'fighting for a girl over all the boundaries she puts ahead of you". It's not romantic, it will hurt you, and it will waste your time. Go into relationships with women looking for friendship and not expecting a relationship. Don't be a "nice guy" and flip out on them when they don't have feelings for you. Pushing the relationship to the next level should be a natural transition from being friends. Your goal should not be seeking a romantic relationship for the sake of one. If you do that you will only disappoint yourself and will reek of desperation regardless of well you think you are hiding it. Don't compare yourself to other guys/girls in successful relationships. Set a bar for yourself and improve yourself. Don't create unnecessary anxiety. Don't overreach and create obligations you cannot fulfill. Find some hobbies and explore yourself so you become a more interesting person. Make yourself someone you would want to get to know. Try something new. The best people in their own crafts were beginners at some point and moved up from there; you could too. Be smart with your money and don't dump it on a girl expecting that's what going to make her happy. Your relationship with each other is what should be making both of you happy not supplemental experiences like dinner dates (although you should be doing it). Just don't think that buying her shit will make up for a bad relationship. Be aware of your feelings. If you feel shit in a relationship and you are self-aware of what's going on, talk to a friend to explore your feelings. Don't mull on with a girl because of brief moments of happiness you have had. You're wasting your time on someone who exists only in your fantasies. If you're limited from being the person you want to be, drop them. Try not to idealize a hypothetical Pam Beasley. You'll end up disappointing yourself because you are obsessing over a work of fiction thinking that it's going to manifest in real life. Be a good person; don't obsess over finding the perfect girl for you when in reality it will happen naturally. We sometimes look at our environment as an accurate sample size of society at large. If you're in an area where there a lot of people who don't share a lot of the same interests as you, then don't expect to find a girl who shares the same interests as you. My transition from high school to college has made that so clear to me. I felt that I wouldn't be able to find anyone like me because I used high school as a barometer for social success (which in hind sight sounds like the stupidest thing I could have done). If you're looking for a cute, smart girl - go to libraries, museums, etc. Follow your interests and you'll find girls along the way.

So within the last half a year, I have really made great strides to kick my depression/anxiety and I have been completely rediscovering myself in the process. With this came a new confidence and desire to try and pursue a girl, and so I started seriously seeing this girl I have been friends with for about 10 years. We are both seniors in college, but go to different colleges and she comes home every weekend. Things are moving VERY quickly. We had sex 3 times in the second weekend (the past weekend) we started seriously seeing each other, and she stayed over at my place for a few nights in a row over the weekend. She went back to her college this morning, and ever since she left I have just felt an incredible anxiety and panic. I really feel terrified. Even though I have been making these great strides towards becoming a new person and kicking this depression, I still do not feel like I am in a place where I should be focusing more on a relationship instead of myself. I feel like I still have some more personal development and healing to go through before I should undertake a relationship. Problem is, I am only realizing this now that we have gotten into sort of more serious relationship things like having sex, sleeping over, and little things like kissing each other goodbye and shit like that. And it's all happening WAY too fast. I know I need to be honest and transparent with her about how I'm feeling, or it will just end up hurting the both of us wayyy more than it needs to. I have been in a relationship before that dragged on much too long because of dishonesty and I do not want to repeat that. Help? Idk what I really expect as an answer to this as I'm not really asking any sort of question and I feel like I know what I need to do, but I know I need to get it out there because it is currently just eating me up inside. If anyone has any sort of relatable experience to this and/or have any advice to give me, please do

It's difficult when you're in a relationship that you're mostly happy in, when you're young and havent had much experience with serious relationships other than the one that you're in. I have no baseline to compare to, which makes it difficult. I want to explore what else is out there, but I also do have a good thing going, and we've been together for a few years so I can't really justify leaving her just because there might be something better. It's just a difficult spot to be in. We have some problems that have been there kinda since the beginning; I helped her out of some serious self image problems and depression, and because of that, I feel like she really views me way more highly than I deserve, and I constantly have to essentially assure her that what she wants actually matters pretty often. That, combined with her other submissive behaviors, make her behave as if she is far less attractive and capable than she actually is, which has the weird psychological effect of me perceiving her as if it were true when the behaviors are particularly strong. I'm also constantly fretting about the possibility of accidentally enforcing my will over her, since I have a strong personality and she often times will just go along with whatever I want without saying anything about it because she doesn't want to "bother me", or a similar reason. Now that I'm typing it out, it seems clear to me that said behavior really is my biggest problem with the relationship. Her personality is weak due to past abuse, which in turn leads to behavior so submissive at times that I almost feel like I'm abusing her since her language sometimes feels like it comes straight out of a Tumblr "how to spot an abused spouse" post. I'm doing everything I can to make sure that she knows that she is valued and that I care about her opinions, but I really feel like it's not my job to have to defend the validity of her own opinions for her when we have a disagreement.

So I've still been together with that girl who doesn't love me. Were in an LDR and I was basically needy as hell for a week. But now I've stopped caring and don't even initiate. We still haven't ended it but at this point I've stopped caring. She stopped loving me because I couldn't step up to being a man because my Mono made me break down when we did things cause I was so tired. She would get mad at me for resting when she came back. I was in so much pain but she'd get mad at me for failing to do things. I went over to the country she's working in with undiagnosed Mono and tried my best but she still held it against me.

It's time to end it, my dude. You can find better than that.

You guys are right. When I stopped initiating and giving half empty responses she literally blew up on me saying she hated herself for it and shit and then stopped responding. She's talked about wanting to jump off a building in the past so naturally I freaked the fuck out and called and sent a bunch of messages and even messaged her friend. She didn't even message me when she woke up, but instead at 5pm. I feel like I've been stripped of all it means to be a man when I talk to her. I did a bunch of shit thinking it would make her love me again, but the person I loved is gone. The thought of her saying the same things she said to me to other men was driving me crazy. But I've realized I'm better than the way she's treating me. I'm not on her retainer, and she doesn't get my special attention anymore. I'm done.

I've never been more confused in my life with where things are in my life. I posted a bunch of things before about my breakup and subsequently having to see her all the time now at college again but shit has just been so weird since coming back. aside from my pretty awful first night back seeing her we've generally acted and been very close as friends and I really didn't except myself to be able to be like that around here. And I mean we've been really buddy buddy. Few examples are her and I hanging out alone a decent amount and just talking about whatever, but she's also been not shy about being super close to me physically when we hang out. This past Sunday night she invited me over at like 2 am to just hang out and talk. Next day she asked me over to ask if she was being too much and asked at one point is she leading me on and not letting me move on. I still don't know where I am with everything but this all seems like ridiculous mixed signals and it's driving me crazy. I'm still in love with her and all these times she'll act super close and then say something about talking to friends about not being together anymore or something. Tonight was the worst and best for me. she got pretty drunk and myself right up there with her but we both always are under control. we were hanging out in her apartment/room alone for a long while and she was laying on her bed with her legs under me. eventually I got to rubbing her back for a long long while, while we were talking about just anything. A few times she said I didn't have to do that after a while for so long and said I could leave if I was tired but I said it wasn't a big deal. she mentioned that friends don't do things like this and said she felt like a shitty person for letting me do this, then almost immediately curled up closer next to me, held my face for a bit with one hand and then wrapped her arm around me for a while. after that she said I should probably go home and mentioned that we should stop doing things that friends aren't supposed to do I just don't fucking get it anymore. A part of me has known for a while that it's over and I lost her and she wants time to grow as a person but it's like constant signs of affection and still having feelings and then sliding in a comment after that makes it seem like there's no chance. I feel like I can't move on and I don't want to because I just appreciate and love her as a person so much and don't want her out of my life and it doesn't help that we keep doing shit like this qnd I let it happen because I miss those times from before so much. I don't know what the hell to think or do anymore with this all

Started university. I don't know, it feels like I want to make new friends but also don't care to do so. It really doesn't help that my group is 80% girls. I feel a bit out of place

This is a normal reaction to breaking up, however it's not really a healthy one. Take it from someone who has experienced the other side of this kind of relationship- I was too weak to tell my ex "no" after we broke up and we ended up getting physical more than a few times in the months after. I deluded myself into thinking that I was helping her by being close to her, but in retrospective it delayed the healing process and just fucked her up even further. My advice to you is at the very least, do NOT hang out with her alone. Avoiding all contact would be preferable but it sounds like you share a lot of friends so that may be too much of a risk to be worth it. I was in a similar situation and it did make things more difficult. At the end of the day- ask almost anyone who has relationship experience, and most people can tell you a similar story of heartbreak. This shit happens every day, and people can and do get over it every day. It takes time, but you will be there

Feel lucky. My group is 98% men

girls are literally just people too

I mean I'm sure being the only woman on a computer science course would also be sorta challenging. Women and men act differently, and women are mostly friends with other women and vice versa. Doesn't mean it's impossible to have female friends (it definitely isn't), but pretending everything just translates 1:1 and Eldariub concerns are completely illegitimate is kinda unhelpful.

I mean i have many female friends on campus, and they have many male friends. I think the key is to not treat everyone of the opposite gender as a possible romance.

I briefly did IT in college and we had a single girl there. The thirst in the room was just embarrassing.

And I don't, but there's still the question of commonality of interests - a larger proportion of the men at my university share my interests compared to women, and in general I would say I'm closer with my male friends than with my female friends, even though the mix is basically 50/50. Sure, lots of men have female friends, and lots of women have male friends, but I'd wager that if you look at who they hang out with, they'll mostly be the same gender as themselves (on average).

Yo thought I'd post here since this is probably the best place to ask. So I'm 22 years old and for most of my life has gone by without me having any desire for a partner. I've had boyfriends in the past but there was not really anything there and so those relationships ended. Now here's the twist, I'm transgender and have started transitioning over the past 2 years (male-to-female) and since then I have felt much happier with myself than ever before and I am really feeling a need for romantic companionship. When I think of my future I see myself with a husband and living together. To add a further spanner in the works I'm also asexual. I am feeling much more confident with myself than ever before but I am somewhat concerned that finding a guy who wants romantic companionship but no sex. So basically, does anyone have experiences with romantic relationships without a sexual element?

You have to move on dude, I know it's hard especially if you have to see all the time but you can't let things like this happen, they won't make her love you.

So an unusual question, and I know it kinda isn't meant for this thread here, but I like and trust you lot: Do you know of any good exercises I can do at home to help me get back in shape a bit? I'm talking lifting 100kg weights and get mega buff, just something to trim my (increasingly large) beer gut, define my chest a bit more, things like that. As it stands, I don't really have the time to go to a gym (I'm either at school or at work), hence why home exercises would be grand.

Calories in must be less than calories out. Sure there are a bunch of fancy refinements you can add to that formula that may or may not help, but thats the gist of it

So one of my friends who games like me just ghosted me on FB after leaving the group. Thought I had things squared away with him but I guess not. *sigh* He was like one of the three good people in that so its a bummer that he like just doesn't see my texts in days. He's got a super busy job from morning until afternoon so it's probably that and I'm probably being worried over nothing. I REALLY do hope nothing odd happened when I left.

I know that part. I meant specific exercises. I've got some weights, I can obviously do crunches, stuff like that. But are there other exercises that could be done at home?

Depending on the weights you have, I really liked doing the 5x5. It's super simple if you're like me and just wanna get some exercise, rather than wanting to go super-serious into lifting.

You should probably ask those questions in the Weightlifting Thread, and also read the OP. I'm pretty sure they give advice on bodyweight exercises.

You're asking a question most regulars in this thread probably can't relate to, but I'll try to give you some advice nonetheless. I'm not asexual, but at least I can give you a non-asexual's perspective on a relationship without sex: Personally I don't think I'd be able to do with one of those. I think that would apply to most non-aces. Maybe you could engage in an open relationship? Sorta also depends on how you think of sex; is it gross to you, or do you just not care for it? Perhaps your partner could accept that you're not really into the sex, but you're still doing it once in a while - though that could be uncomfortable for you, and it could still create some tension, as having sex kinda requires both parties to be into it. I find it hard to give you advice on this, because generally you don't want to tell people to have sex if they have no desire to. Either way, I don't think many non-aces would go into a completely sex-less relationship. It would probably be simpler for you to find other asexuals (perhaps there are dating apps that allow you that option?), even if there are fewer of them. With that said, @Pascall was in a relationship with a non-ace afaik, so she can probably give much better advice than I can.

A lady just confessed to a friend of mine that she loves me and now I'm like wtf i thought i was unlovable i've got a stupid smile on my face now, what do i do what do i do oh fuck oh god we're gonna be poor

It's a no-go for sex for me. I wouldn't care if my partner had sex with other people, although I can see why that would make a lot of people uncomfortable. So yeah this question was targeted at people who are asexual since Facepunch seems to have a fairly high percentage, but any insight is helpful so ty

What's the go-to actual dating website? I'm using Tinder and Bumble to some success, but wouldn't mind a third, more "formal" dating site. Is OKCupid still the standout good one, or has something surpassed it yet?

I was indeed in a relationship with a non-ace (and have been in several since I realized I was ace) but I chickened out of both of them because of gender issues (non-binary lad here) BUT IN ANY CASE. Relationships between aces and allos are not impossible but are definitely something you gotta establish from the get-go. Most people enter into the dating world with some expectation of sexual intimacy at SOME point and a hard line of NO sexual intimacy is an auto-deal breaker for them. So it's kind of pointless to date someone who needs sexual contact in order for them to be fully invested in a serious relationship. That being said, being more open to someone having sex with other people may result in one or both of these situations: It makes it easier because you won't have to worry about your allo partner being unsatisfied, or it makes it more difficult because now you're having to contend with the possibility of your partner finding more in common with the sexual partner than with you. So, you know. It's tricky ground to wander and it's probably one of the more difficult situations to be in as an asexual person with no interest in sex whatsoever. Some aces will do it with their partners just to make them happy and feel good, but people like me who don't want to have it at all are definitely at a disadvantage. In any case, you'll just have to make sure you're being upfront and honest, no matter the situation, especially if you start getting more serious with people. It'll save you some pain in the long run. If it means anything, I'm sort of taking the path of "if a relationship happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't". I have too many other things to worry about in my life right now to stress over how and when I'll be able to date again. If that means I gotta be the crazy pet boy that has a bunch of animals in the house then so be it I guess lol. But it would be nice to even have a platonic domestic partner once I'm out and on my own. I'd welcome that.

What's some general advice you would all give on how to handle a first date with someone? I'll admit I've really not dated much, but I have one this weekend and I really want to get it right. I know it's a very vague ask, but really anything you guys can suggest I'd appreciate.