Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v10 - Don't send any TELEGRAMS. - General

be relaxed and don't force anything, if it's not clicking naturally you can't really change that

Don't be self-deprecating.

I think light self-deprecation can be attractive, but it's a fine line. Avoid marginalizing yourself or making yourself seem stupid or terrible; self-deprecation should be funny and break the tension in a way that isn't seen as a statement of fact. The message you give should imply you are aware of a fault but it doesn't bother you, instead of reprimanding yourself or giving self-criticism. It's like you're teasing someone with a light joke, but you're doing it to yourself. It should be making light of a small flaw or mistake and shouldn't seem mean or hurtful. For example, let's say I mispronounce a word, and someone catches that for me. The wrong way to do self-deprecation would be to say "thanks, I'm so stupid sometimes". A better way would be to say "thanks for catching that, at least thats not as bad as when I used to pronounce x as y" where y is something terribly mispronounced, like cliche as Clih-Chee or paladin as Pal-Add-In or deja vu as DJ-voo. Basically it's not mean, it's lighthearted, and can lead into a conversation.

also honestly i'd say just don't really deprecate anything you have no real idea what social groups/interests/etc your date might be a part of

If you're gonna self-depricate (it can be a tough habit to break away from, some people are just naturally quick to be self-effacing), try doing it in a way where you compliment yourself, even sarcastically. Like, say you accidentally trip on a curb or something, you'd wanna go for something more in the ballpark of "man, I'm just a paragon of grace today" instead of "sorry, I'm such a clumsy idiot". It's like, you're being humble, but you're also saying something nice about yourself, even though it's not entirely genuine. It's a lot more lighthearted than outright insulting yourself, which gets uncomfortable fast. Self-deprication is just a means of seeking approval. It's ripping off a bandaid that may not even be there; if you insult yourself first, then no one else can, thus you're invincible! It's a subconscious bid to satisfy one's damaged ego, which is the exact opposite of attractive for 99.999% of people; lifting yourself up with a little joke implies confidence, like your recovery from whatever faux-pas isn't entirely reliant on whomever you're with immediately saying "don't be so hard on yourself, I approve of you, etc. etc.". I dunno, might not work for everyone, but I've started doing it (having spent MANY years putting myself down as a "joke") and it's made a big impact on how I look at myself (not to mention how others view me).

If you can't take the piss out of yourself then that's fine but (at least in the UK anyway imo) it shows that someone's not up for a laugh in most cases or sticks to "safe jokes". Date or no date people like it when you're comfortable laughing at your own flaws. Dont read: self depreciation

Yeah, self-deprecation can look like an easy source of humor to break the ice, but it can easily make you look worse than you are. I used to do it reflexively, as a form of self-defense, but it does more harm than good. On a more positive note, it seems I made a friend! Someone who's genuinely glad to make my acquaintance! Sounds silly, but it feels like it's been an eternity and a half since I had that happen to me.

Deprecation should be used to ease tension from compliments. Too many compliments or deprecation get uncomfortable because they have bad implications.

I'd use this sparingly; typically the best response to a genuine compliment is to genuinely accept it. When someone pays you a compliment, it's because they want you to feel good about yourself or something you've done (even though it's totally natural to feel undeserving or weird when you're being complicated). Countering with a self-depricating remark can come off as kinda backhanded, and in a worst-case scenario it looks like you're just fishing for more, but this also definitely depends on who you're talking to. It's good to be humble, but as The Boss likes to say, you gotta take your pleasures where you can find em.

How the fuck do you meet people socially? I just realised it's been so many years since I've done social activity with people I don't know that I've completely forgotten how meeting people works. All I know now is how to interact with friends I already have and how to act in a professional environment, but that's not enough, I want to get out there and meet new people and enjoy my life.

Meetup and Couchsurfing are apps that allow you to find events to socialize. It's a good starting point since everyone there is there specifically to meet new people, and they may come from everywhere around the world

I feel like I have mood swings very frequently lately, regarding my dating life in particular. It's like I assign too much importance to things that should be relatively insignificant. When I get a Tinder match's number, I feel great for a few hours, but if my match rate lowers for a few days, that can affect my mood as well. Last weekend I approached and flirted with a cute stranger out of the blue, with no pretext whatsoever, and it went pretty well. I felt really proud for the rest of the day. But this weekend I had 3 dates planned, and one of them just told me she can't anymore and has to reschedule to a day later or next week, while another is taking a long time to respond today, and I've been feeling kind of down this evening as a result. I know I shouldn't let this sort of thing affect me, and that I should look at the positive side of things, but sometimes I feel my confidence is like a rollercoaster. Also, for some reason I can't really explain, I often feel... frustrated I think? Most of the time, it happens when a real sexual situation involving others is evoked. One of my female friends and former date told me about a time she gave a blowjob to a random guy in a bus and I couldn't help but feel a mix of jealousy, frustration and uneasiness. Same thing happened when I learned that my school's movie making association shot amateur porn, or when another female friend said she had a threesome. A similar phenomenon happens when I see strangers dating. I feel some kind of pinching in my heart. Yet at the same time I don't feel I'm ready to fall in love again, even after a year of being more or less single. I don't know, on the one hand I'm getting more and more comfortable with approaching women and more and more confident when flirting with dates, and I'm proud of this development, on the other I feel I have this constant void I crave to fill and I suspect that's not very healthy to have.

Whenever Tinder starts affecting my mood I always uninstall it because it means I'm taking it too seriously - it's a really shallow evaluation of someone based off basically nothing so it's important to remember that it's not really a reflection of you as a person.

I know that feel extremely well. What I've found works is focusing on myself. I haven't really had time to go to the gym since school started, but I've been pouring myself into my work, getting plenty of sleep, and basically just being the best me I can be. I find that I naturally have a lot more confidence in myself as a result, so stuff like the things you mentioned doesn't really bother me as much as it used to. I think it's just that mindset (to paraphrase DBZ Abridged) of a man dying of thirst watching another man drown; it can be frustrating and disheartening seeing other people acquire something we want easily (to the point that love and sex and companionship and attention may as well be disposable commodities), and the key to dealing with it is to just take a breath, step back, and get some fresh perspective. Take an inventory of everything you've got going for you and rationalize that there are probably a good many things those other people want in their lives that they find just as elusive. It's easy to say "if I was better looking or more charismatic, I wouldn't have any problems", but if I had wheels I'd be a wagon. We've all got our stuff to deal with, and so long as we keep moving forward at our own pace, we're all gonna make it. Tinder is super superficial, and actually having some success when flirting with strangers is a skill I'd love to have the guts to acquire. My advice? Don't sweat the petty stuff, don't pet the sweaty stuff.

Oh yes, don't get me wrong, I've strived to work on myself as much as I could since the breakup last year. I'm really not the same person that I was back then, confidence-wise. Then again it's true that I've neglected myself a bit lately. I still go to the gym, but I've more or less stopped cooking and my room is often a mess. I spend more time numbly browsing the internet than learning new skills. Well I mean if I look at it rationally I'm probably not in a position to complain, I went to a dozen dates in the last month, and had two one night stands. I didn't think I'd be capable of that. But those were ephemeral experiences and while they make for good memories, they don't really fulfill my want for sustained physical affection that I feel I'm missing lately. Then again even if I found a FWB I'll probably find myself craving something more anyway... And you're right, there are probably lots of things that I've got and others are missing. I've got a loving family and a really good professional situation. I realise that others may not be so lucky in those regards and I should acknowledge that. Well I don't find myself bad looking or boring, though obviously I try to improve in both those areas. It's not really that I'm not having success on Tinder and that lowers my confidence. I've gotten 200 matches in two months which is not bad from what I understand. I think it's more like an addictive issue. I've gotten used to getting ~5 a day and when I don't get any I get worried the algorithm is fucking with me or something. It doesn't even make much sense because I lack the motivation to message 90% of them. That's the weird thing, I feel a need for it but the whole texting part feels like a chore, while the dates themselves are enjoyable. I don't know why I feel this intense need for some reason. I'm thinking it may be related to the fact that we couldn't have sex for the most part of my first and last actual long term relationship, and once we could things quickly went to shit. Maybe I'm looking for what I missed during that time, physical intimacy with limited attachment to avoid getting emotionally crushed again.

Spending a weekend with my crush. Downside is that it's a best friend's sister. We're abstonating atm but all the sexual tention is gonna be killing. We're both going to snap at the same point. I really wish I'd gotten to know her without her bing my best man's sister

I mean honestly what's the issue? If I had a good friend who ended up getting together with my brother, I'd just be happy to see them more because of it. Assuming you're all mature enough about it.

Yea there really isn't an issue. Though I don't want to make my friendship awkward or otherwise ruin it.

You're both adults. Your friend should be glad it's someone he already knows and trusts instead of a total stranger. Regardless of what he thinks it's also her decision.

If dating his sister makes your friendship awkward or ruins it, you guys weren't that tight to begin with.

Well it hasn't so far and he's said from the get go he's fine with it, so we're probably just a bit to paranoid.

Okay, so I hooked up with a Brazilian exchange student who seems to really like cuddling and kissing. Spent the whole day with her and it was nice, she seems to want to see me again since she alluded to "next time" and said she might be free on thursday and will keep me informed. She's here for the whole semester, too, so it might be practical to see each other semi-regularly until it ends. Now I'm just concerned that she'll get bored of me before next time, she wants to speak French but while she's good at it and we can have good discussions in person, she doesn't understand some phrases or subtext so it makes talking about profound subjects a bit tricky over text. IDK, she's the one who initiated contact and wanted to meet so maybe I'm worrying for nothing, it's just that over text it might feel lackluster without physical affection.

Did you tell her that you don't text often, because that helps for me

I got a question to ask all of you. I was recently in what i didnt know was a casual relationship that felt pretty close to a real one but I ended it after she decided to get a sugar daddy to pay for her shit and wanted me to be cool with it. But uh, heres the kicker, the girl recently had her bipolar meds switched so i noticed she was different in many cases and i think this may have been due to her new way of thinking. So did i do the right thing here?

I'm assuming you broke up with her? Yes, you did. Even if what she asked was a result of her mental illness, that doesn't mean you have to do something you're uncomfortable with.

Welp, broke up with my girlfriend of two years. First serious relationship I had and now I'm feeling for the first time what its like to have a part of you gone. It was long distance and we both started becoming too busy to see each other, and she was unfairly driving to me more than I was to her. (Between college and working I couldn't get a chance). Everything was becoming too casual and she wanted us both to be happy. She wasn't sure how I would react to a break up since, in person, a lot of people think I'm stoic and emotionless since I don't show reactions to anything but I'd say I'm surprised by how conflicted I feel. I've always internalized a lot of things and not let them affect me. She didn't want any bad blood or for me to be mad, and I wasn't because a part of me agreed with everything she said. I just needed a place to vent.

Yo man, nice job on handling this. Good luck in the upcoming weeks and keep your chin up

Thanks, we've at least kept a line of communication open too. I never had a problem with her continuing to be friends and talk with her ex until his new girlfriend made him cut off contact, so I can only hope the next guy shares the same mentality.

Yay another breakup, 6 months, 1.5 months, now 3 months. I wonder if I'm even able to create a serious relationship

So now that I'm free from that...occult there was one other thing I wanted to mention that I may have forgotten. We were in a vacation home that my folks earned and that was okay with them. My folks were there too just to help and look out for us around the area. At one point the morning after July 4 my one friend, big guy with a understandably bad heath issue, decides to wake up at 8am and watch anime in the family room. "That's not so bad" you might say, but the anime in general was Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid and one really ecchi anime. This was the second thing they saw waking up and I felt mortified. The fact that this dude had the audacity to put on these shows in view of not-huge-anime-fans and went on record went "Yeah I like these shows, fite me bith!" Like it wasn't porn, but with a ton of near naked moments and moments with the little dragon girl Kanna it made me want to flip the TV to cable after the first viewing. It's one thing to have "no filter", but it's another to be inadequately socially unaware where something you put on for all to see may be cringe or in my folk's case, absolute gross for others.