Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v10 - Don't send any TELEGRAMS. - General

I actually tried tinder again and for the first time ever I've gotten a match where I had a conversation with longer than 3 texts. She seems pretty interesting and cute. Would it hurt if I were to ask her out within the first few days of said match or is that too quick?

If you are thinking about asking her out, you should probably ask her out.

im feeling kind of curious about someone and am trying to figure out how to find out if they are dating without being too direct. I think I am going to just try to befriend them a bit first and find out naturally like that but I am not sure.

If your social anxiety is causing you this many issues, I would suggest therapy or some other form of professional help. They would be much better equipped with helping you cope than a web forum ever could. Aside from that, my only advice is to try your best to relax about it and go at a pace you feel comfortable with and to be open and honest about your emotions and anxieties.

Well seeing as she knows you as friends beforehand she's probably aware on some level at least of your anxiety, so hopefully that'll ease you a wee bit. You sound fairly comfy in that zone, but how do you know this new opportunity isn't comfier? You don't have to get touchy feely on your first date. There isn't much more to say. Splash put it concisely. Make sure you get the time and date right and don't think about it, because you'll never know how it'll go and you'll never forgive yourself if you don't dive into the deep end at least once.

I'm going to a wedding in upstate NY, which is like 7 hours from where I live. My friends have encouraged me to try flirting with people at the wedding, because best case scenario I feel more comfortable and confident around the opposite sex, worst case scenario I'll never see them again. It's my cousin's wedding, and she's in her 30s so the crowd might be older than me, but it's a gay wedding too, so I don't know if anyone around my age there would even be straight. I feel like trying to flirt would be very forced, and my anxiety is usually pretty bad in loud crowded places, plus I've never danced before so I'm not sure it's a good idea. Flirting isn't natural for me but I know it's basically being friendly and joking/teasing, and doesn't have to imply any intent/interest, but I'm worried I'll look like a creep. Should I actually try to be social and meet new people or just try to be comfortable and get through this thing?

I have absolutely no idea how to flirt. isnt it just being bubbly/friendly with jokes with a tad bit of sexual innuendo?

So I met her. We went eating sushi and talked for 2-3 hours, keeping up to date of our lives and spoke about our time during college, than we went to my apartment because she wanted to know how I lived. We decided to meet in a place first and I went there an hour beforehand to calm my nerves done. Even though it's been a lovely day with her I still feel like I need to vomite. I wanted her to stay but I still just wanted to run; too tired and need to sleep. We've planned that the next time I'll drive over to her city instead.

You may feel like that afterwards but something like that - especially for someone in your position - should be commended. Honestly if you can do that you can progress in relieving your fears and experience with other people. It'll take time, but these things do. Major props mate. You drive there.

if a girl who ive been hooking up with keeps wanting to owe me more than I owe her (she stealthily paid for my drink and beat me to paying for our meal) but she is very slow to respond to texts, does that mean she wants to kinda stay distant? I get this feeling like she doesn't want to develop feelings for me but at the same time im doing her a favor by spending time with her... its very confusing. We hook up around once a week, and hardly text at all in between, just because she is so slow to respond, or neglects to respond, but we get along pretty well when we are together. I just don't know what the expectations and boundaries are, and I am bad at expressing myself too.

Quick update: I don't know if she's suddenly extremely busy or if she ghosted me but I'm going to assume the latter. I haven't been unmatched (yet) so that could be something but I am not gonna be hopeful here and just move on. Probably my own fault for being too direct with asking to meet up I guess. I'm not mad or sad if some people think I am, it's just slightly dissapointing after a decent conversation but that's how tinder works.

bumble was useless in the end, as expected, but I think I found someone I like in my building. I more or less befriended them, but I think I should hang out with them more one on one before really considering anything. im just not sure what to do in general. its an adventure

Indeed it is friend, may i suggest you try okc instead of bumble next time. It's crappier but at least you'll get something. Also I really REALLY miss that bi polar girl. Its hard to get things done without something making me remember something we used to do.

Well I ended up going to the wedding, and I think I made the right decision not to try to spark up conversations with strangers. All the women my age were bridesmaids and we're all grouped together so trying to schmooze into there naturally wouldn't have worked. Besides I'm pretty sure none of them were single anyways. On the bright side it was a beautiful wedding even though they did it in the woods where it was fucking freezing. My cousin had her border collie in a little formal vest with a bowtie which was cute and was part of the ceremony, wish I took a picture of him. Overall it was an experience, and I'm not too down about not enjoying the reception.

I prefer not to see flirting as a clearly defined thing. It's more a state of mind than a set of actions but I guess jokes and innuendo is part of it. If the chemistry's right or you're confident enough, you won't have to worry about whether you're 'flirting' or not. Just be friendly and be yourself.

I mean that's helpful advice for neurotypical people, but as someone who has autism (barely, can mostly pass as normal but still have issues with certain social stuff/sensory issues) it's not easy to do because it doesn't come natural. I had to learn how to maintain "normal" eye contact, "normal" small talk, "normal" body language/cues, and it still takes a lot of effort to do because I'm consciously aware of it and have to actively force it. Its draining because I'm consciously exerting myself mentally. Something like flirting is gonna be awkward and forced until I read up about it, "script it", and fail it enough times to be experienced and confident that I won't look like a robot, creep or mannequin. So this is gonna sound weird/odd, but this is how I "dissect" flirting and try to emulate it. From the things I've read generally women give off signals that they want to be approached or are interested, like look-dodge-look-dodge eye contact, smiling, twirling hair, using some excuse to get closer to the person they like, etc. Then, guys act off those signals. So in a social situation they're sending out signals and I don't see them through the noise, so immediately I'm going in blind with and have to focus and try to spot a pattern. Once I do get into a conversation (somehow, that whole approach thing is difficult due to the chance I fuck it up and embarrass the other person) I'm basically blind to if they're still interested, and have to focus on their body language while simultaneously continuing a conversation. Some behaviors are good signs, such as if her voice gets a slightly higher pitch, she starts laughing at jokes that fall flat, adjusts her clothing/hair ("preening"), deeper eye contact, using an excuse to touch me like removing a stray hair or something, etc. Looking at their behavior pattern I can deduce whether it's simply nervousness, friendliness or interest. Once I'm sure she isn't simply humoring me or looking for some excuse to leave I have to try to flirt, which seems to be a mix of playful banter (corny jokes/light friendly sarcasm, exaggeration, non-serious responses, etc.) and just asking questions about them that allow her to show what she's like, what she does for fun, etc. without probing too deep or asking personal things/heavy stuff. Then, listening and responding with a bit of personal info, slightly opening up and reciprocating when she opens up with personal stuff, then move on to deeper questions like aspirations, what's important in their life, etc. And then finally stating your intentions/attraction without coming off too strong. So right now I've got the script, but it's hard to script what amounts to improv. The heavy paralyzing anxiety of embarrassing myself/inconveniencing someone else is harrowing, and it's tough to convince myself that if I fail it's not a big deal. I basically need to metaphorically slam my head against a brick wall by trying and failing to flirt, but getting over that anxiety so far is too tough.

How do you "ask somebody out"? I'm genuinely curious

Beginner mode: "Do you wanna go out with me?" Normal mode: "Hey, are you free on Saturday?" Professional mode: "Hey, I'm doing ___ on ___, you should come with me!"

Yeah, that does sound more appealing. I'll keep that one in mind.

Friends relative passed away this weekend. I heard about it through my dad(who she works for), not through her. Would it be weird for me to text her something like "Hey my dad told me your grandma passed away. I hope you're doing okay. If you ever need to talk to anyone you can always message me." I feel bad for her because now she has no more family in the U.S. and I don't think she has too many friends. I'm just not sure if I come off as weird since she didn't mention it to me.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. That doesn't seem insensitive.

The most infuriating thing is when a girl appears to show interest in me, then I start to reciprocate interest in her, then she stops. Like we text non-stop for 2 weeks, then not a single text or explanation.

Fuck 'em, move on and find a better one. Gotta keep trying

This is what I needed to hear. Thank you.

Or do my version (girl said she likes to spontaneous): *Points at her* "You" *Points at myself* "Me" *Gestures* "Tomorrow at *name of location*, 13:00. Yes or no?" "Yes." Worked like a charm. Only risk was that neither of us had a way to contact eachother but what's life without a bit of gambling.

OH NO. TWO. IS DOWN!

Enemy THOT to our RIGHT. 300 METERS!

ENEMY THOT IS DOWN

Well its been some days and I have made two new matches where one of them went silent after saying 'good evening' and the other the usual talk for a while and then silent. What tactics do you people employ in this enviroment because I am starting to think this is more about me not being direct or way too casual and nice.

When all else fails; fall back on your training.