Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v10 - Don't send any TELEGRAMS. - General

jesus christ dude it's time to move on and find people that are gonna be less toxic in your life the fact that you think cutting contact makes you less of a man tells me you probably have some insecurities you need to deal with asap

Dude, cutting contact with people who make you feel miserable is not only commendable, it also takes balls You got to make sacrifices to achieve success, and you're gonna eat huge shit sandwiches on the way. Just read my previous posts, you'll know I'm still a long way from finding any serenity just hang in there. seek better people and definitely stop talking to this chick

Cutting contact is okay, what makes me feel a bit "low" is backing out of plan with someone because they are still seeing someone I had conflict with before.

Na man you're taking care of and looking out for yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. You and that guy are not friendly with each other so there is no reason to subject yourself to an inevitable conflict with him. Honestly backing out and cutting ties is hard but a sensible thing to do.

Aaaaand she flaked on me two hours beforehand. How's that for a problem that solves itself?

Well, had a date with the LDR girl I mentioned a few pages back. It went really well, we went to a restauraunt chain both she and I really like for lunch (Noodles & Company) before we drove down to a museum I worked at for a while in my area (we're both history nerds), then I drove her back so she could catch her bus back to school. It went off really well, and we decided today that we're a thing (we have been talking since August after all). So I'm really happy about that.

Is noodles and company nice in your area? Noodles and Company looks like a chain restaurant to me and there were several girls I knew that had dates take them to like Pizza Hut or Ledo's and didn't like the BF going to a cheap chain restaurant on the first date. That or the girls are super picky about their choices so I dunno.

they're nice as far as chain places go, and the main meat of the date was the museum anyway. it was more about us spending actual time together, we could have eaten anywhere tbh, I just remembered she likes them so thats why we went. and tbh those cheap places can mean a lot to people. someone I know from school who was a non-traditional student (in her late 20s) had her first date with her husband at a mcdonalds, but for her it was one of the first times someone had ever bought her food like that, so it meant a lot. ig it also depends on how well you already know someone before a first date. she and I have been talking a lot since august and have gotten to know each other fairly well, so i'd say it's just situational. and for us it was just the chance to be able to eat some food and talk together, the setting didn't really matter.

Uh, hey, so I'm trying to take a decent selfie of myself so I can finish my profile on a dating site, and well.... it's seemingly impossible, because the bright light of the screen is reflecting on my glasses in every single damn photo. Is there a way to avoid this? Or am I going to have to go outside on a nice day to be able to take a decent selfie? Because if it's the latter, I have no idea when that will be possible, because every day this week has been wet and dreary. (This, uh, may also be a problem with my particular phone's camera, because, well... its a 90 dollar phone. I'm guessing it's one of the worst smart phone cameras on the market, given that every single photo also is rather low quality as a whole.)

I'd say take the glasses off. If you want to show that you have them, you can put them in a shirt pocket or above your head. People are naturally drawn to the eyes, so having a clear view of them is helpful. Also, taking a good picture is extremely important because that gets you in the door, so to speak. Good lighting, a flattering angle, with a good smile will do wonders. Ask a friend who has a better phone or get an actual camera to take a picture. Have someone shoot the picture for you and don't actually do a selfie because it's going to look worse than a well shot photo. A mirror selfie or one of those high angle pics is not flattering for a guy. You want you picture to show your best qualities and not be a JPEG artifacty mess or a low light noisy pic. The picture is the most important thing, because that will get you a response if it looks good. Also this is kind of a controversal opinion but if you have a pet it doesn't hurt to have them in the pic, if you're looking for someone who likes animals showing that you have one is a good conversation piece and shows you're caring.

We're in a bit of a rough stop with my GF of 11 months. The reason for entering this rough spot is like 100% my fault. And I'm not even guilt-tripping here saying it's all my fault. It's actually all my fault. Neither of us are too experienced in relationships, but we've had a mostly really good time over the past year. Being with her has been really easy and we have a decent amount of common interests and not-shared interests, so all's kind of really fucking fine. Now, where did this rough spot come from, and why has it been mostly a really good time with her? Because of sex. Yes, I think sex is the sole reason for this current situation, and my stupid fucking insecurities related to sex. So, basically, since we've been together, we've had great sex, and other times sex fails, where I fail. Sometimes I can't get excited or I might lose it in the middle of action. This makes me feel insanely shitty about myself, and while she's assured that she is 200% fine with that and doesn't care because she really likes me, I haven't always believed her and have managed to make her feel shit about that too, resulting in increased stress and anxiety for the both of us - all because of me. Fuck. Now for the past few days, we've had some sad chats, and she actually suggested that she wants to take a break from us. She's constantly said she wants to be with me, but it's starting to feel hard. We both miss each other, we've both said that. Yesterday, she actually suggested she wanted to take a break from our relationship, the same day when she had planned to go celebrating with her friend and she did go out with her, which is fine of course. I admitted to her by text yesterday, that my insecurities had gotten control of me and I regret it and that she's a really fucking nice person and I wish her a really good night-out! She's also celebrating because she got accepted into a certain university of app. sciences, and I'm happy for her. So, we're on kind of shaky terms right now, I don't think either of us knows whether we're done or not. I don't want break up, and she's also said she doesn't want to break up. So I thought, hmmm, maybe I should try to surprise her on this sunday morning? I bought some breakfast for her and went to her place and called her. No answer. I was like yeah, she's still sleeping probably, so I waited for 2 fucking hours, during which I called her 9 times, just trying her until I gave up and went back home. The 8th call was around 1200AM, while the 9th call was at 1300PM which I decided was my last try, and I left it at that. Feels really fucking bad, she hasn't read my texts or called my back and it's been 1.5 hours since then. I don't know if she's still sleeping, ignoring, with another guy already, or what, so maybe I shouldn't feel too shitty about myself because I don't know. I just wanted to surprise her with a breakfast that we've had in the past many times on sunday mornings. WHAT DO? (Partly asking for advice, partly sharing my sad fucking story.)

Decided to give OKC another chance. Got a match, sent a message, got unmatched like a week later. Joy.

hey guys laugh at me I'm an idiot I have a thing for a new coworker at a small, exclusive university facility (4 students at a 20k+ school). She's the most innocent person I've ever met; she is polite and caring to a fault, puts everyone above herself, she doesn't swear and is beyond squeamish with any subject above PG13. We met on the job in September and started hanging out in October after she joined my club and asked for help with some homework.Turns out we have a ton in common. I admittedly always found her attractive but I developed actual feelings for her in late October. Looking back she showed strong signs that she was interested. At one point she left chocolates at my dorm door in the dead of night and a sweet little letter. Halfway through the month all of the signs kind of dissipated but she has been more physical and occasionally flirty. She invites me everywhere now and talks about me constantly to her friends. A mutual friend (that neither of us are particularly close to) asked her if she has feelings for me and got "it's unprofessional because we're coworkers". This sounds like something she'd honestly believe but the mixed signals she gives me are insane. Right now she is really depressed. She's homesick and super stressed with school. She cries every single day and watching this happen breaks my fucking heart. I've done everything she'll let me do to help. I'll walk across town with her at 2AM to calm her down. I'll text her cat memes until she falls asleep. I've bought her a few small gifts, mostly things to make her feel more at home. And she's improving! She's trying really hard and I'm really proud of her. In return I get messages like "I'm so glad you're in my life... you're my best friend... am I your best friend? it'd be really nice if it was mutual... I honestly don't know what I'd do without you". 2 months ago I would have killed for these... ... But I feel disgusting. Absolutely horrible. When she hugs me I feel so fucking guilty I can't even believe it. She's so pure I actually feel like I'm betraying her by liking her. I've been helping her more and more because of my increasing feelings for her and less and less because of my innate desire to help others. I'm a selfish piece of shit. I'm 90% of her emotional support and I've the potential to ruin what we have because I can't get rid of a kindergarten-level crush on her. We have plans as far as next year that could be torn to shreds because of me. Am I an asshole or just an idiot? I've a friend pressuring me to ask her out but I don't think it's right for me to even worry about that while she's so sad. Should I just suck it up and sit on my feelings forever? I mean it's only been 3 months since I met her and we're going to be coworkers for another 2 whole years. sorry. just wanted to vent.

Don't take this the wrong way but man, are you reinforcing the stereotype that men are idiots. Dude, seriously? After this? Fucking. Go for it.

I'm not seeing mixed signals, I'm seeing green signals

i have such an awful habit of getting into seriously dejected and sad moods whenever an interaction doesn't go the way i want it to or someone acts indifferent towards me

I'm the same way. One tiny faux pas can ruin a day for me and tank my energy. I sometimes get paranoid that at my job I might be overcomplicating things, or overexplaining, or being awkward/annoying, or being too intense or bothersome, but I know that asking if I'm being so is A) insecure, B) annoying and C) awkward so I just live with the paranoia and second guess myself constantly. In my personal life I worry that I might say things that are annoying, that I might bore people when I talk about things that interest me,your orhat the jokes I make may be people laughing at me rather than with me, but again asking that usually either makes things worse or I don't get a straight answer. I then tend to over think interactions and try to plan scripts ahead of time, but conversations are free flowing so it's ultimately pointless. It's hard to keep track of what's said in conversations and I can't record people's facial expressions (obviously, that would be super creepy) so I have no evidence if my worries are valid or not. I feel like I'm hyper aware of negative facial expressions and that basically my "change the subject" detector is giving false positives constantly. I struggle identifying if I'm actually boring or annoying or if I'm reading something that's not there. I know it's not helpful to mull over the interactions I've had each day, but I do so anyways because I want to improve myself and have no metric or objective evidence of progress or failings beyond the vague feeling of fucking things up somehow. Since I can't get an honest answer, and I have no evidence either way, I get stuck in a loop where I worry I'm doing something wrong but don't know how to fix it. This then wears me out and makes me feel shitty. I wish it was easier to just not care what people think about me. I try to rephrase things in a more positive way but without hard evidence I'll never know if I need to change my behavior or how to do so.

https://c2.staticflickr.com/6/5581/15025767922_9452436c4b_b.jpg

I'm not saying at all this is the solution for you but I just want you to know that this is literally your brain fucking with you. You shouldn't feel bad that you experience things that way because you have literally no conscious control over it. I was the exact same way before I started taking bupropion (an anti-anxiety drug) and now 6 months after I started, things like awkward situations, faux pas, obessing over people's opinion of me literally do not exist anymore in my mind. In the past those things would affect me for days but now I don't even dwell over them more than 2 minutes. This is 100% because of a change in my brain chemistry and nothing else. I used to have a lot of self-pity because of my sensitivity to social situations and depression. It's a bit of a feedback loop, you're depressed because you're so sensitive and then you feel bad about being depressed, which feeds more into the depression. Taking that drug firmly broke that cycle. If you feel that it might be a genuine problem in your life and your healthcare provider gives some coverage for it consider consulting a psychiatrist. If you do, don't shy away from making comparisons to my situation if you feel like taking medication might help when you're talking to him and asking him if bupropion might help, like: "this patient I know had the same issues as me and was prescribed bupropion to great effect. I was wondering if that could work for me as well?"

Alright so this is very nsfw and so personal posting it makes me want to die but honeslty I feel like shit and I need someone to talk too. Please read my wall of text. So heres one problem Im having My last crush was in middle school and I am a senior in HS with a crippling porn addiction and self hatred. I have been off porn for nearly a week now, been addicted for about 4 years to some hardcore stuff to the point where it didnt even faze me anymore. I have not had any crushes or libido for my entire high school experience because of this, and it makes me horribly lonely and depressed and self hating.(among other things) But I am working with therapist and finally have had a sucessful week weening off my addiction. Anyway, the no porn is great and all, helps confidence and I am finally working out and doing hygene not hald assedly. Now Im in a sligtly large friend group, and recently one girl within it has been for sure hitting on me alot, talking to me every day and asking to hang out and according to friends might ask me out. The problem is I cant reciprocate, I just dont have a crush on her and anyone. Is it possible to date someone without previously liking them? Should I say no? I have alot of personal issues to solve before I am in a good space to date anyone but at the same time whenever she talks to me I get a huge confidence boost and I feel high on life and I like her as a friend alot. I dont wanna fake my way through a relationship but she would be the first person I dated and I also dont wanna make her sad and If I am so fucking lonely all the time so whats the harm right? Idk I hate this fucking shit ahhh.

First priority should always be yourself. If you don't feel ready to date, then don't.

But if I dont do it I might want to kill myself over not doing it and if i do I will die of anxiety

I dunno if this is supposed to be an exaggeration or what, but if you are locking yourself into those two possibilities, then you are setting yourself up for failure. Bottom line is that you should do whatever makes you most comfortable, expectations be damned.

Mate, you're under no obligation to date if you're not ready for it. You said it yourself: you have some things you need to work out first, and I'm pretty confident in saying that you'd only hurt yourself if you tried to juggle between dating this girl and figuring yourself out.

Can you date someone without having a crush on them beforehand?

There's nothing wrong with any kind of relationship as long as both parties have a clear understanding of what's going to happen. Consider talking about your expectations and feelings before making a serious move.

Absolutely, there's a lot of people who simply date people to know how many options they have should their main interest not reciprocate Also, dating is a way of getting to know a person. You could very much develop a crush while dating, or it could kill it outright

Yeah but the little to no physical attraction due to my addiction is a problem

I'm actually already on Buproprion, have been on it for years, along with Zoloft and Risperidone. It's helped me tremendously (made it through college, getting my driving license, and getting full time work and a solid group of friends) but it's not a silver bullet. I still get anxious periodically, I deal with exhaustion and low energy, and it makes sexual activity less sensitive and pleasing than usual, but it's better than the alternative of going unmedicated. That nagging paranoia was significantly dampened by meds, but it's still there. I think I feel this way because I tend to worry, hate doing things wrong/making mistakes and also dislike behaving in a way that causes other to feel uncomfortable or annoyed. Since I don't have any metrics to judge my behavior against I just ruminate. I know rationally that being awkward every once in a while is no big deal but it still bothers me. I try to focus on my positive elements and avoid negative self talk, but I'm naturally meek and indecisive, and I worry I'm not behaving "optimally," if that makes sense. Growing up I was incredibly socially awkward and it took time to build my social skills, and I always fear being awkward again because I don't want people to think I'm annoying or awkward and I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable like I used to. I guess I fear being disliked or being weird, and it's probably just after effects from being bullied as a kid, but it's hard to shake these feelings even if I know they're irrational.

Wake in the morning, do some pushups and sitsup. Do it until you're tired. Then do burpies until you're completely sore. Then take a freezing cold shower. You'll be oozing with testosterone if you do that everyday, trust me.