Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v10 - Don't send any TELEGRAMS. - General

First of all: The thought about the friendzone is counter-productive. I don't care whether it exists or not, but all it really symbolizes is fear of rejection - and well, you really can't live life without getting rejected. If you simply haven't had the urge to properly date someone that's fair enough; living the bachelor life may just be your 'hing. But don't deliberately avoid making connections with people just because you're afraid of rejection. It happens, it sucks, but you learn to move on, and at some point you find someone who isn't gonna reject you. I don't want to attempt to "fix" your entire life, but I'm gonna ask some questions about your work: Does it make you happy? Is there a "future" in it? Is there a promotion/higher pay grade insight? Will it enable you to do something else? I'm asking because it doesn't sound like you're earning an exorbitant amount, and while that's fine if it's just a stepping stone, I honestly don't think working overtime unpaid overtime is a great idea. Maybe I'm overreaching here, but if the job is just a way to keep you preoccupied with something, I think you should focus on getting some hobbies, maybe find ways to socialise with people that doesn't involve alcohol. Perhaps I'm completely off the mark with some of this stuff, if so, I'll apologise for that - but it seems to me that while your current situation is fairly stable compared to earlier, it doesn't seem like it's doing you that much good either. You can always say no to meds. Your therapist is not gonna ask you to call her. But considering you've attempted suicide once, I honestly think you should see a therapist - simply talking to someone about your feelings and your life can help you out tremendously. Anti-depressants don't do much, the by far most important part of therapy is talking.

I really don't get why so many people are so repulsed by the idea of seeing a therapist. I mean, you don't seem to have any issue sharing your most uncomfortable thoughts with strangers from around the world. Why would you be afraid of doing the very same thing with someone you're not even going to see outside of therapy and, unlike us, actually has the power of making you feel better about your life? Worst case scenario, your wallet ends up a little bit lighter. But you were planning of spending dosh on some random trip to Bali in the first place, so it's not like it should bother you.

you're not really doing this for yourself if you're doing it to cope, or to one-up her happiness... why does it have to be a competition, why does your life have to be tied to hers at all? telling you to call her sounds unlike any kind of therapy i've heard about. i say go ahead, see someone. think of it like a gym session, except you're healing and training your brain instead of your body, learning ways to cope that don't involve outrageous amounts of money. bali sounds dope, but what will you be thinking about when you're there, when the entire reason for the trip is some woman you used to know? doesn't sound as dope then, imo

I am happy with work tbh, I am working in Healthcare industry and I am helping others, there is definitely a growth in my area, I am relaxed at work always and I always happily do my job when requested for specific tasks or orders (When something urgent comes up), I always go out of my way and out of line of duty to outperform my duties just to improve image of the company, it keeps me busy and occupied and always gives me a feel of accomplishment. I am earning 100% more than my friends ( I know because we're sharing same house and I know their situation|) and around 30% more than average person of my age in Ireland, so I am stable in terms of that, but it feels not enough, I keep striving "seems to me that while your current situation is fairly stable compared to earlier" - What do you mean?

I'll add that even though I'm not a therapist, as a total noob in the health sector, I've already heard so much weird stuff from patients that honestly whatever you could come up with at the therapist's shouldn't faze them at all. They've already heard it a million times before, and that's why they're able to help you.

Most of the time I have issues telling issues to people online, even then it feels as if I am telling it to real person - scared of judgement and some sort of "ideology conviction"

Compared to when you were doing cocaine and stuff is what I meant. And well, that's good, I'm glad I was wrong - honestly I think the take away is that you need to go talk to a professional about your issues, because some dudes on an internet forum can't really do anything but give general advice.

I know therapy is needed and would probably help, it's just the thought of visiting them first time is scary. The rejection really killed my self-confidence, I am even afraid now to talk to random people in public to ask something.

Your case is not special, and that therapist have had many, many people walk in the door with exactly the same fears. Don't get in your own way.

honestly @TheSynthAX you strike me as severely depressed, and rather than cutting or anything you're trying to fill your life with adrenaline consult a friendly neighborhood mental health professional

Thanks for responses, guess your responses gave me even more reinforcement to seek therapy. My biggest fear was that therapist would force me to do something I don't want to (Such as contact those I don't want to etc..) But given all the responses/examples/suggestions - it feels a bit more easier, so I think I am actually gonna for for it, I Knew i needed it but had few fears/troubles which seems to have dissipated now.

Okay so yeah funny thing happened.... As I posted this - she announced her promotion. Her promotion is Senior QA Engineer, while I am a fucking Software Engineer. It sounds like she's on higher salary. I swear to god, I will work myself to the death to get promotion. I am so pissed off I can't even express it. (Yeah it's stupid but that's how it goes apparently)

seek therapy. its difficult to hear shit but I'm gonna be blunt, its not normal to feel this way over a crush from 5 years ago.

playing the keeping up with the Joneses will only end up with you falling into a metaphorical ditch

I wanna say this as well you should be over them by now.

just an update on this i guess because we might speak over the phone about everything again soon at my request. our breakup conversation was cut short and ive still been a mess with thinking about this nonstop to the point where i've had stress dreams about her in some way almost every night. Not to mention my grandmother is in her final days of living after battling cancer to no avail for a while, so ive been overly stressed and distraught about a lot lately to say the least. i had actually sent her a letter the day she called me to break up (beforehand of course) because we had done that last summer and we've both always found writing and receiving letters to be pretty fun. but she actually wrote me back, and i just got her response today. it was rather short and didn't really go into detail about much of her life at work in the past week but she made a point to write this about us (only thing i wrote about besides asking her how things have been and some things going on in my life was how i hoped we'd get to speak more once things at her work loosened up and got in full swing): "Anyway, I'm sorry about everything. You're my best friend but dating just isn't what I want anymore. I'd really like to stay friends, if that's okay with you. I'm sorry I didn't articulate that well" for some reason reading that line really fucked me up again today especially since it seems completely definite were she was more 98% definite and throwing in some "probably"s and all when we spoke on the phone, even though i knew that meant it was over for good then too. i know everyone is going to say the best thing would be to cut off contact and move on but i can't see that being the right option with how the future is setup. Sure it might be nice for the next 2 months but I still feel like there's so much unsaid and so many things I wish I could understand but don't think I ever will. I'm desperately looking for a "why" but i know it's possible there might not be a satisfying one, if there is one at all. we've had one brief texting conversation since the breakup that reads like any conversation we would have had before while we were dating and i realized during that conversation that i really can't fucking do that without feeling absolutely awful. i don't know how she expects me to just act like nothing has happened at all and go back to being like we were before we started dating until we can sit down sometime 2 months from now. it's indescribably awful to know that she really doesn't seem to give a fuck about me anymore and that she's living every day enjoying every moment of it with her new co-workers while i sit here feeling like i got sucker-punched out of nowhere. She even texted me earlier that she's "Alive and well so life is good" and i just don't understand how she could act like all of this didn't just happen and like we didn't just date for the past 15 months or so. when we go back in the fall our friend group is exactly the same, and i know she's going to be over my place all the time regardless of how i feel or what happened to hang out with my roommates and unless i decide to isolate myself completely im going to have to hang out with her there too and pretend like im fine because i know she will be. i feel like i can't just cut off contact because it's not going to work like that when we get back and she's so incredibly adamant about how im her best friend and that she wants me to still be her friend but that seems so incredibly impossible for me to be able to do and i don't know how she expects me to be okay with this. at this point im honestly just fucking angry about the whole thing really riding those stages of grief, because what was once setup to be an amazing year living with all of my friends and living so close to her im now dreading more than anything in the world and it all just sounds absolutely awful to me. it really messed me up having her text me like this didn't all just happen because i seriously cant do this. i don't know what im going to do and i don't know what our conversation is going to be like when we sit down and discuss like she said. but i do know that i just feel increasingly lied to and strung along as each time this is brought up, where the first time she promised me she wasn't breaking up with me and that she really wanted to work on rebuilding our relationship in the fall, to her now writing to me and saying that definitively like i wasn't already aware from her breakup call that "dating just isn't what she wants anymore". it feels like she hasn't been honest with me at all and im honestly furious that she has given me so many false hopes in the past month from our initial conversation to now and continuously chipped those away each time we've talked. i feel like ive been treated like garbage for all the effort i've put into this relationship and the worst part is just that id want more than anything in the world for her to somehow miraculously reconsider but i know that's beyond all hope now. it is so mentally exhausting to be thinking these things every single day and going through it all in my head over and over again and it really makes it worse to know that she's seemingly completely moved on already, and probably even was when we were still together.

I used to fuck around with this girl at parties and gatherings but it sort of became obvious that she wanted to fuck around when it was convenient and wasn't really interested in me. it took me a while to come to terms with it and kept convincing myself she maybe had some sort of feelings. we had some points where we would have calls talking about life 12am to 5am, making me feel like there was some hope that there was a connection but it sort of fizzled. which makes me concerned because I feel like I'm not hopeless when attracting girls but things fizzle far faster than I wish they did. I wasn't against having affection with someone but I knew that I wasn't in control of the situation or my feelings. I'm really not sure if I'm putting myself around the wrong types of girls or I'm not interesting enough of a person, or I come on too strong. But it keeps putting me in a loop where I promise myself I won't myself in a similar situation but I inevitably do. I feel like I'm constantly seeking validation and attention because I'm so insecure about myself and see being as a girl as a way to put a bandaid on it. I also see that my insecurities are what fuel me to be the person I want to be. I want to be fit, musically talented, well read, caring - a well put together person. It seems that being around a girl or having a connection I sense with a girl puts me in a conflict between two binaries - being a better person or being with someone who makes me feel like I'm already a good person. And if I'm choosing between the two binaries I think I would usually pick the latter because it causes less of a struggle.

Assuming you received the announcement on social media? If so - delete her from your Facebook, man. Step one.

kinda gonna go on a somewhat long a little NSFW rant I'll try to TL;DR at the end I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years 3 days ago, since then I've done what I think I needed too, let our 1095 day snap streak dye, unfollowed her on everything except snapchat because she asked to be able to still see my stories so she know's I'm "okay" (tbh I've used it as an opportunity to show snippets of cutting her out of my life, embroidering over old designs of hers with new ones and changing how i word some stuff very purposefully but all done abstractly enough that most people would assume it's just my art im working on since I was always low key about this relationship) also deleted every single photo, screenshot and wiped out hundreds of posts on my tumblr relating to her (we had hashtags for specific stuff that reminded us of each other, luckily new XKIT has a mass delete that goes by tag so didn't take too long) essentially to the outsider she dissapeared completely from my entire social media presence and idk how to feel now the break up started after she went through a tough period doing exams (master's degree in linguistics) and had a really depressive month where she had a lot of doubts about whether or not she was falling out of love with me, she instantly told me and we even discussed outcomes because we communicated amazingly, but then she suggested to chill out on the romantic stuff for a little bit so she can think and essentially a day or two later I just forced her hand and told her to decide, she said she wasn't sure so I gave her some stinging words and ended it. the whole period of time where we were doing this it fucking hurt like hell and i didn't sleep properly for the 3 days we went through this and broke up but last night and the night before I slept completely fine and while I occasionally think about her its not in the way i did or did about previous ex's, I just feel incredibly detached from her the moment it actually ended like not going to lie I ended up sexting with a friend less than 6 hours later since we used to be more like that before this relationship happened, I've already gotten more attention from some girls I know and I've organised to go out a few times next with with different friends and I'm more confused at my emotions than I am sad or heartbroken and idk whats with that also this relationship was objectively great, even my therapist who I would read text logs to on occasion about some insecurities I had since she's this really well educated curvy beautiful artist girl who was pretty much unreal to me when we first met and actively intimidated some of my friends and I'm just a college dropout who makes soundcloud rap and can't get a job and is I guess kinda attractive. but the part that was great was how we communicated and it was unconditional support and love where we could talk about anything and it was fine, even breaking up despite some of the harsh things I said to showcase the finality of it all we still were pretty polite and reasonable and wished each other well. I'm sorry this is a mess my thoughts are weird rn I mean ive given more consideration to what my current options are of girls I know than the end of this perfect relationship with this perfect girl who I almost instantly killed all feeling for in hours after leaving TL;DR I broke up with my gf and don't really feel anything and that's kinda fucked up i guess

Uhm, don’t try to make jabs at her on Snapchat, that’s really childish to be honest. I don’t really have any advice to give beyond that .

The fact that you're lashing out at her with Snapchat makes me think that you aren't actually as over her as you claim.

See that's what I'm thinking too? Like idk the way I'm acting now is weird and new for me Just very internally conflicted about where my head is at rn

Fir any asthmatics: make sure you use your inhaler before having sex. I almost gave myself an asthma attack while losing the v-card yeaterday lmao. we laughed about it though! It was honestly a funny moment.

One of the psychological problems I face in my daily life is feeling fearful or worried about things. There is this person that, whenever I talk to them, makes this feeling go away. They don't know about it, but the very short conversations they have with me are enough to bring me out of the empty feeling I feel. It gives me a peace of mind so strong sometimes feel afraid of losing contact with them permanently because I fear that once they're gone I will never find that peace again. My psychologist always gives me all sort of advice, but I don't believe her, well I do believe her at some level, but it's like if my mind itself blocked the meaning of their words. It's like if I had some sort of 4chan thread inside my head and whenever she tries to help me, the shitposters come and counter everything she says or brush it off as "It's just a lie, useless advice, kill yourself", etc. So I never feel completely healed after having a session. But when I talk to my friend, and they tell me a similar advice, I believe in their word and it's like if they shouted into the thread "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE HIM ALONE" and the thoughts were silienced inside my mind, letting me finally think positively. It's a wonderful feeling, it feels like if my soul came back into my body and I was ready to stand up for myself. I start to believe in my abilities and feel capable of doing all sort of things, I even feel happier during things I normally find boring. The problems show up when my friend is not available and I'm having a shit-day or week. Bad things happen to me and I've got nobody to heal myself that way or recover my feeling of inner peace and confidence. As the week goes, I feel more and more dead and vulnerable. I get to see my psych but the talks I have with her don't feel like they're enough. I obviously know I can't rely on my friend forever, but how can I recover this feeling?

Any of you have advice on managing awkwardness and anxiety in social situations? Whenever I'm in a group of people, I'm just there. When I say something, people usually just ignore me and that just makes it worse, so forcing myself to socialize never works, I've tried this way too much. How the fuck do people deal with this, any social interaction makes me want to fucking kill myself

I've noticed I'm usually the same. Still working on it, but something that helped me was noticing that everyone else is the same - everyone else also has times where they something and someone ignores them, it's normal that some things will just pass by.

It's a real tough situation. One thing I've had some success with is literally just walking away for a bit, then come back. People'll ask where you went, and sometimes you can get a conversation started that way. You can also suggest playing a game. That'll usually loosen people's tongues.

Going away and coming back won't work, nobody really cares, come on. I like the game idea, and it has worked for me in the past, but that's not always socially acceptable to go play games with people. And besides, you need stuff for games

It hit me last night: I don't really have any feelings towards my crush from 5 years ago - it's just fucking boredom of some sort. I realized that over these 5 years - I didn't think not a single second about her when I was doing something or was hanging out with someone. When I was out on a date with someone - I got over her completely but later when it didnt work out - eventually I fell back for her. Guess I just need to find someone I will fall for like I did for that girl 5 years ago and someone that it will work out with, and maybe find some hobbies because I have a fuckload of free time on my hands (I finish work at 3:30 every day and I go sleep at 11 PM, so I have ~8 hours per day free for whatever). (This happened before, when I was 18, I had crush on another girl this was back in my old country, couldnt get over her for a while, once I met this one - I got over that one instant). Gotta make sure next time I meet someone I really get attached to - I go for it and either get striked down and just cut it or see if it works out.

have you considered bideo games as a hobby