Super Friendly Social and Love Advice v10 - Don't send any TELEGRAMS. - General

Dude, two things: Stop thinking that she needs to take care of your feelings when you're the one who broke up with her. You can call her callous or whatever, but I don't think it'd be unreasonable of her to think you're being kind of an asshole. By her logic, if you're crying, missing her and complaining about having no one to wake up next to, then why did you break up? When my ex broke up with me last year, I remember being kind of resentful that she expected me to care about anything she did - in my mind she could find someone else to tell about what she had been doing all day. In retrospect that was just heartbroken me being heartbroken, but if she started talking about how she missed all the stuff we did together I'd honestly be like bitch what the fuck. Stop thinking it's your job to "save" her. I don't know you, I don't know how you are in person, but thinking you've got it all figured out and she's just naive and she's being ensnared etc. just reeks of condescension. Presumably she's an adult, and you're not her boyfriend anymore, let her make her own (possibly bad) decisions. Maybe I sound harsh but I think you honestly need to get back to the real world. I understand you're hurting, I understand you're heartbroken, but this stuff isn't helping you. I get that you've been together for a long-ass time, but you need to move on now.

Totally agree with this. The whole, I've dumped you, now you must be sad to validate my feelings thing is super weird. If I were in her shoes, I'd be out having a great time and making sure you knew about it. You can't have Brexit your cake and eat it.

Got an e-mail this morning saying that someone liked and messaged me on OKC. Shame about those messaging changes they implemented recently or it might've been worth a shit.

So I had a few friends round for lunch Most of them left but one girl I'm close with stayed behind We watched youtube on my bed on my laptop Then we lay next to each other half napping half chatting Then she said "I should go", I replied "I don't mind you staying" Then she said "I feel like I'm going to kiss you.. but I think we should stay friends" Then I said "We probably shouldn't kiss then" Then we talked about us flirting a few days earlier; she disagreed that we had flirted, I thought it was heavy flirting Then things were really awkward as she got her things and left, saying "pretend I didn't say anything" Still processing the above, just happened 20 minutes ago, not sure what to think. Would appreciate any input?

should have kissed her

Guys I fucked up. Me and my girlfriend of nearly two years got into this big fight, she decided to flee the scene, and I had moment of pure irrational EVERYTHING AT ONCE and ended up self harming before I cooled down literally 3 minutes later. I'm 22, I haven't done this shit since I was 18, I have no fucking idea why I did it even though I have been in just as bad a place before. I'm so fucking ashamed. The wounds aren't deep, but they are fucking straight and red and in succession. I've been tending to them for the last few days and they're getting better since I hopped on them early but they are still noticeable. My issue is that me and her are all ok now, and she is going to fucking notice and connect the dots. I have no idea how she is going to react, and I'm seeing her soon, and I'm not sure if they are healing fast enough. They are very hideable but we are very intimate and that complicates things. I'm not even sure if they are going to go away completely any time soon. I want to be honest but jesus christ after the last fight I am not sure how brittle she is viewing the two of us, because she is still kinda bothered. I have a disgusting feeling that she is going to think that this is some sort of method of control, or break from knowing that it was our fight that triggered it. I'm beyond scared, I'm disgusted at myself, I never thought I'd ever do this filthy bullshit again especially since she's in my life. I don't know what to do.

That's my problem. I do have other emotional outlets. I lift to let off steam, paint to calm myself, and on and off smoking helps when shit gets bad (unfortunately). I don't know why of all times that I NOW did this to myself. I haven't done it in years and never had any compulsion to do it, no matter how bad I got. Fuck we had even worse arguments before and it never crossed my mind. f

I would just tell it to her straight that you will never do this again, that you have far better outlets. Make sure you tell her its not her fault in any way

This. Don’t hide stuff like that from her. What was your fight about?

How do I meet people outside of uni? I study in the US, but I'm in Warsaw, where my family lives, staying for the summer. I've had surgery last week that keeps me from doing anything sports related, but I can normally function otherwise. I'm on tinder, but it would also be nice to have people to hang out with and not just sit around the house all day.

Quick word of advice to some people in the thread: Please do not act like women are some mythological being. They're human too and probably are capable of as stupid things as you. Don't freak the fuck out when you make a mistake with a girl. Do what you can to apologize but understand your boundaries. If they don't respect your apology then leave it that. Don't follow the 20th century trope of 'fighting for a girl over all the boundaries she puts ahead of you". It's not romantic, it will hurt you, and it will waste your time. Go into relationships with women looking for friendship and not expecting a relationship. Don't be a "nice guy" and flip out on them when they don't have feelings for you. Pushing the relationship to the next level should be a natural transition from being friends. Your goal should not be seeking a romantic relationship for the sake of one. If you do that you will only disappoint yourself and will reek of desperateness regardless of well you think you are hiding it. Don't compare yourself to other guys/girls in successful relationships. Set a bar for yourself and improve yourself. Don't create unnecessary anxiety. Don't overreach and create obligations you cannot fulfill. Find some hobbies and explore yourself so you become a more interesting person. Make yourself someone you would want to get to know. Try something new. The best people in their own crafts were beginners at some point and moved up from there; you could too. Be smart with your money and don't dump it on a girl expecting that's what going to make her happy. Your relationship with each other is what should be making both of you happy not supplemental experiences like dinner dates (although you should be doing it). Just don't think that buying her shit will make up for a bad relationship. Be aware of your feelings. If you feel shit in a relationship and you are self-aware of what's going on, talk to a friend to explore your feelings. Don't mull on with a girl because of brief moments of happiness you have had. You're wasting your time on someone who exists only in your fantasies. If you're being limited from being the person you want to be, drop them. This sounds like very typical and obvious advice but believe me it is not always intuitive especially when emotions are involved.

Talked to some randomer on the train today. Odd because people don't tend to do that on the South but I struck up a convo and yeah was pretty chill. Kills the taboo I've always had about that kind of thing.

been about a month since my girlfriend broke up with me and I'm honestly just as much as a mess as then and it blows. I hate having it all pop into my head every day and constantly having dreams about her and just not being able to stop myself from thinking about her. I guess I really didn't know how much I loved her until she told me she hasn't felt that way about me at all for a while now. she's still very adamant about wanting to remain friends largely because all of our friends at uni are mutual and she's going to be around all the time this upcoming year. I probably said it before but I still don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to do this. we did have a talk on the phone the other week and we discussed the breakup a little more. She told me that for her it just fizzled a while ago and she tried for a long time to not think about it much and push that away but it kept bothering her. she says she's just drained of dating anyone and wants time to herself and I guess I have to believe that but some awful part of me thinks it's not completely true. she's told me that it's nothing to do with me but at the end of the day I can't help but feel god awful at the fact that im not who she wants. she said that she doesn't see me as someone in her future and that's such a blow to my self esteem for me I havent felt this low about myself in a long while thinking about going back in a month and seeing her gives me so much fucking anxiety. honestly the more time that has passed the worse it's gotten for me and it's to the point that her wanting to be friends still so badly honestly kind of pisses me off because it's so much easier for her to say that and want that when she doesn't have any sort of romantic or strong feelings for me anymore that I do. I know it still has to be somewhat weird and difficult for her but I don't know how I'm supposed to be okay with being only friends suddenly after a year and a half of dating seriously. I feel so lost because I still have these super strong feelings and that want to talk to her all the time and find out how she's doing but any of the brief bits of communication I've had with her since is like torture especially if she's talking like nothing happened it kills me. I hope I figure out what I want or how to handle this soon. im going to be absolutely miserable come the start of this semester

So had another realization moment over the weekend. The 5 year old crush had bachelorette party on Saturday (found out about it from Mutual friends ig story) and then I realized - her getting married doesn't change a single thing for me and doesn't affect me in any way. We didn't talk - We wont talk. We didn't date -We wont date. We didnt see each other for 5 years - We wont see each other. Literally nothing changes for me, it's just a normal day and going crazy over it is fucking stupid, we went out separate ways and I should work on changing things for myself the way I want instead of being jello on how good things happen to her and nothing happens for me. I remember that every time I feel a bit down and out of sudden my day brightens up because other than that - I have 0 fucking problems in daily life or work. Idk, sounds stupid but that's my thoughts anyway for past few days.

So there's this girl I was working up the nerve to ask out. I'm 22 years old and I've never asked anyone out before. She and I work at the same summer camp which is 2 weeks away from completion, and she's done working this week. I was thiiis close to doing it yesterday, which is light years closer than I've ever been before. but I chickened out at the last second, thinking it'd be better to catch her right before she left for the day as there'd be fewer people around. Anyway before that time came, I overheard her talking to someone else and mention she was already dating someone. I can handle the rejection, I was honestly not expecting her to say yes. But I was looking forward to the idea of asking a girl out for the first time in my life, regardless of the answer, just as much as the slim prospect of actually going on a date with her. Now I don't even get that. I vaguely empty and aimless, like the rug's been pulled out from under me. Day to day I don't have anything nice to look forward to anymore, only this stressful and exhausting job. And I'm just sick and tired of having feelings for people and never being able to express it, always having to it bottled up in my own head. I'd love to just keep being friends, but after she's done this week and I'm done next week I'll be going back home and probably never see her again. I'm planning to move back to the city the camp is in and she lives in later (for unrelated reasons), but I really doubt I can maintain any sort of friendship. I wouldn't care so much if I felt like there was the possibility of future prospects, but I'm not gonna be going back to school for a long time and outside of that, I don't have the slightest clue where I could even meet the kind of women I'd be interested in going out with back home. What a bunch of stupid bullshit. I'd way rather just be sad from rejection than feel this horrid yet mild blend of apathy, regret, uncertainty, love, and fear of impending loss

congrats she's dating someone it happens

Yeah that's not the part that's bothering me

I know how you feel. I was in a similar situation. You need to stop talking for a while - I kept talking and it was torture seeing how she didn't react at all to what would've been our second anniversary, while I was a wreck. What's helped me was talking to my other friends more and honestly replacing her being the person I talked to all day with someone else. Talking to other girls helped me a lot as well, even though nothing has come from it yet.

Adding to that third point, if you're already in a relationship and feel self-deprecative, or if your SO does, it's important to try and encourage them or yourself to break the habit. Of course not forcefully, but going with that mindset of wanting to improve and get out of that mindset is healthy for you, and if you're both honest and supportive of each other, you can hopefully help break that streak of looking down on yourself, and boost your or their self-confidence.

but you're getting hung up on the being unable to try part which boils down to "I didn't get to ask a girl out"

I mean, yes? Am I not allowed to vent?

Take it from someone who's both done what you almost did and almost asked out a lesbian girl and felt very similar: deal with it and move on.

Alright, sorry for feeling down about something that just happened and wanting to talk to someone about it. I'll just go shut the fuck up and bottle it up, I'm sure that'll work this time

You need to take some criticism mate, if you can't do that your love life is going to be the least of your worries. Trust, we've all been there. Chill for a little - the feeling passes after a while.

Of course it's okay to have negative feelings. That said though, the only way to get better is to realise it doesn't matter and do it again. And again. And again until it comes easily to you.

I'm sorry for coming off as defensive. I'm really not that torn up about this. A few years ago this probably would've sent me spiraling into a depressive episode, but I think I'm much more emotionally resillient than that now. I think my initial rant made it seem like this is a much bigger deal to me than it is. I've been through this cycle many times, and talking through it with someone makes me feel better than keeping it in my head. The insinuations that I'm hung up on it or that I'm obsessing about it, when I already feel bad that it's affecting me, are admittedly a bit of a sore spot. So sorry for overreacting to it.

you didn't have the chance taken away from you though, you said so yourself, you bottled it at the last moment. Also i dont really feel like you can be inches away from asking someone out - you either do it or you don't. unfortunately it didn't happen this time but I promise you will get more opportunities to break your comfort zone in the future, girl related or not. you'll be surprised how confident taking steps out of your zone will make you feel, even if it doesn't always go to plan

You don't owe owt to anyone in this thread (including apologies!) However I do think you're torn up about it as much as you say you aren't - that's okay you know - it's just how you deal with it. Making 5 posts including your OP doesn't quite strike me as a vent. But if it's a sore spot for you then you've beaten half the war by recognising the issue, the next battle involves turning your melodrama... "Now it's just back to the same shitiness, having gained nothing, and there's no escape in sight." Into something you can just shrug off. You've probably gained a huge amount of knowledge you just haven't utilised it yet. I was going to summarise but I think Cricket said it pretty well above. Don't bum yourself out! Shit happens my man.

Pretty much just take it as encouragement to both both figure out beforehand if they have anything going on and to just shoot your shot when given the opportunity my guy

I went through the same. My advice is to not let it show that it affects you. Pucker up, do some fun shit with your friends, find some new hobbies. This is not an indication of the person you are. If it is - who cares. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, make yourself a better person, and do what you can to make your life better. Your future was obviously not with her. You do not want to be with someone who does not share a mutual interest with you. It's not practical to fight for someone's interest or love in you. You're in love with the happy moments you had with her not who she is now. You want to stay with her because it's familiar and easy. You're going to learn from this experience, better yourself, and move on. If she sees that it didn't affect you, it will probably drive her crazy just as it is for you. Don't hang out with her, cut her out, but be polite. Focus on your life not on the life you had together. That is dead and will not come back. It was not meant to be and the more you mourn over it, the more it will hurt.