Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V7 - General

I've been in a complete mess that all my motivation went all the way to the floor, I've been absent from university for almost four weeks and I can't even sleep well anymore., I went to a therapist that only went tell me the same stupid lines against depression and loneliness all over again that in the end I left the place upset, And yes, I already know the "get a dog" or "there's an interesting hobby to make friends" My mom's been a little nervous for the money to make repairs to the house that everything has become expensive and the food but she tells me that "not to worry", but I do everything I can to help but I feel like it's not enough. I'm still trying to make a conversation. but my anxiety and my lack of social skills triggers me that I feel like I'm a complete obstacle or scum to people with trying to say "hello or how`s going ?" or try to respond I can go almost 6 full hours without being answered until that my mind gets blocked and the same thoughts come to me over and over again with "You're ruining them, you idiot!" Here in the house hasn't been better. the lazy religious bastard of my "dad" what he does is mock and laugh both me any my Mon that "it's god's punishment" "you need god" and he grabs all the food for himself even though my mom and me, we do everything we can to bring food into the house. that i have to watch him when my mom's not home and do everything in secret. and when they both start arguing, I'd rather go to my room trying not to listen to them.

What fucks with me the most is the loneliness. I'm lucky enough to have people who still try to reach out to me even after not seeing them for a year or two but still I don't grab the opportunity. I keep forgetting to reply because once I'm by myself and not with them, it's as if they cease to exist to me. Or maybe I'm subconsciously avoiding them, I don't know. Either way, I feel so incredibly rude and like an asshole because of this. I don't know. It seems like I have some obvious solutions to my loneliness problem that I'm not using. I don't know why and it makes me feel awful.

On lithium now. Anyone have any experience with it? Supposedly if it works well it's a sure sign that you have bipolar 1 or 2 and I'd really like to figure out if that's what's been going on with me these past two years.

I keep getting on a good track to making progress then I keep unanimously deciding to drug up and set myself back to square one again, I can't decide whether it's the coincidental stressful shit that keeps happening each time or if I just use that as an excuse to sabotage myself. Then that bender just is an excuse each time to weigh up not being here anymore. I keep abusing this chat for venting during times like that, sorry.

I have to come to terms with the fact that my depression and mental illness are my fault and it really sucks. i don't think i'll ever find a way out. I'm financially stuck in my tiny shitty hometown with no mental healthcare whatsoever. I'll probably die here

How can one be to blame for one's own mental illness, let alone depression? Doesn't the latter part of your post kinda exonerate you of any guilt here?

I let myself become addicted to emotional self abuse. That trapped me in a downwards spiral. I can't blame anybody else for that. It's all on me.

Way I see it, just because you can't blame anyone else doesn't mean the default state is blaming yourself. Sometimes there is nobody to blame for what happens, even if one's actions inevitably cause other things to happen. What is the point of pointless guilt and self-blaming if it not only doesn't help get one out of the situation, but encourages further spiraling downwards? There's a difference between causality and guilt/blame.

Yes, but this presupposes you have full control over yourself, a thing our current understanding of psychology and neuroscience seems to suggest firmly against, as far as I know. This isn't about being in a blame-yourself/blame-the-world dichotomy, its about using blame as a fuel to begin with, which is very destructive. Relying on guilt as a crutch for self-improvement is a double-edged sword, especially when it sometimes causes further self-hate, and self-hate in low moments of depression leads to committing more actions one will regret later on. Blame, and guilt, have an inherent potential for furthering spirals of self destruction.

I want to recognize my own flaws and solve them, but I think I'm too far gone to solve my issues on my own. I think I'm just fucked.

That may indeed be the case - that you are too far gone to solve your issues on your own. However, if conditions in your crappy living area change in the future, or perhaps you yourself somehow change your living area, you might not have to! Even so, it's pretty hard to gauge whether you are too far gone or not in the first place, precisely because the future is uncertain when it comes to these types of things. Vain hope is a cruel thing to give oneself, but it is next to impossible to tell whether hope is held in vain when it comes to subjects such as this. One can only wait and see.

I come here often to vent, at the current state I'm in I'm, fueled by lots and lots of coffee, I feel like I'm going insane, but I have some thoughts that I'd like some feedback on, and I'll try to put them down as clearly as I can. Sometimes I talk about my issues with my mother or with some friends. They try to give me feedback, it's good feedback, and I know they're right. But I don't know why, I mean I have a vague idea of why they're right because what they say makes sense, but I don't know how to apply it to myself and my situation. Sometimes when I'm especially emotional I'll counter with things like "yeah but here's why I can't do this thing or why this doesn't work for me", and they'll counter me, and it's a long argument. In the end I always give up and say they're right because I know they're right and because they get frustrated. But I've never gotten to the point where I truly believe it, I mean it's always things I've heard before like be physically healthy, don't focus so much on certain things, focus more on other things, etc. It happens here too, when I post something and I get a long reply from some blessed soul who really seem like they care and give genuinely good advice. I read it, but I don't believe it. I don't really believe in anything, that's the issue, I love the people around me so much but my love for them and their love for me isn't fixing my problems, it never has, I have to do it on my own, but I'm too weak. Everyday I feel like I'm getting closer to actually going insane, it's like I want to, it feels liberating.

i don't feel like i belong anywhere workplaces, friend groups, relationships i always feel like i'm just tolerated i'm engaged to be married and yet i still just feel tolerated by everyone around me no matter how much people do to prove they genuinely like me i only ever feel replaceable or expendable, and i don't know how to shake this feeling

I feel like everything I do is some sort of coping mechanism. I didn't realize until recently. I get no joy from most of the things I do but they keep me busy. Take away most of these things and I'm left with nothing but myself. There are no desires, nothing I want to do in particular. I feel lonely too. I only talk with my SO and nobody else. It has been like this since late 2016. Even when I had friends I frequently met, I still felt lonely. I experience the same thing Ramona wrote about above. Friends or not, I still don't feel like I belong.

I know not to put too much stock into what random people say on the internet, but I've seen so many people say variations of "oh yeah I was really quiet and socially anxious and shut in etc. in school no friends/tried to kill myself/hopeless situation etc. then I went to uni and made a load of friends at freshers/the first month/lost my virginity etc. without even trying, my advice is that you'd really have to be trying to not make friends by always staying in your room!!!!" spoiler alert didn't stay in my room for freshers, been doing clubs and societies and shit, got zero friends and like 3 acquaintances. I know I can't expect to be even making any friends after just a month, but that stupid little voice in your head takes the definitely-not-exaggerated stories of how everyone is drowning in friends and plays them on repeat 24/7 and it's really fuckin' annoying, and I don't want it constantly shoving comparisons at me

If it makes you feel better, I spent five years across two colleges and never really met a single person.

I can't speak for most of you, but if you can get to a psychiatrist and get anti-depressants they may help you. I feel so much better from taking them for a while now, but if not please try to love yourself.

Next week will be my last week living in my current house, after 8 years in this house I'll be moving to another one and I feel really depressed over it, I have so much memories in this place sometimes it give me happiness sometimes sadness, but most importantly i was able to grow up in this place and i don't feel like letting this place go, I really wish I can at least stay here for another year or two, dammit I feel so stupid for feeling like this.

I only have insurance for another 11 months or so (no job insurance and will fall off my parents plan), so I scheduled a checkup with my doctor and put in the form to talk about mental health. I feel like there is something that is affecting me negatively enough to count as needing help, but I'm also afraid nothing is wrong with me.

so uh there was a halloween social today starting at a pub, after much deliberation and calming myself downI went in, puttered around, met someone who asked "alright?" as ye do, I said "no" and kinda just walked out and went home - the stuffy atmosphere, loads of people, load music, lots of noise and lights 'n shit for whatever reason made me feel all panicky (which considering my lack of experience with going to this kind of thing wasn't something I was really prepared for) and my voice is too feckin quiet to be able to say anything to anyone so, well, didn't really feel like I could do anything there... but the weird thing is, I'm torn between treating it as a failure (for just abandoning it after going all the way there) and treating it as a success (literally the first time I've gone to something like that on my own) so I'm not nearly as depressed about the whole thing as I thought I'd be social anxiety is fuckin weird and I guess that's progress?