Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V7 - General

I bought that Vermintide 2 game since it seemed fun after stepping my toes into the Warhammer universe through Total War. Now I remember why I don't play co-op games like it anymore. People are such assholes in games. It's rarely a problem in larger multiplayer games where the chat isn't as crucial since I can just disable it then, but in co-op I feel like I have to have it on. I've played about an hour and I've been called a fucking asshole and other things for misunderstanding an objective or not running for a hidden tome/grimoire. It sounds silly but it hits surprisingly hard to be put down like that even if it's only a game. I just want to relax and have some fun, not be put down by some random dudes I'm playing with

Meeting a new therapist now. She diagnoses me with recurrent depression (she figures I have it much, much longer than I previously thought, since I was a kid pretty much, like 15 years or so) and put me on a combination of Trazodone (so I can sleep more like a human being should), Aripiprazole and Vortioxetine. Costs like a fucking bitch and so far doesn't do much. I know I just barely started, but god damn it for all the nausea I'm experiencing from it I can't help but feel even more down about it. I don't know if reading this thread, other forums and stuff about depression is counterproductive. It makes me think that I just might have to live with it for the rest of my life, like many people have to. Which won't be too long, because I don't feel like I will suddenly get enough backbone to go on living with this kind of companion. Hilarious too, and I always considered myself strong because I've gone through some pretty shitty things without much consequences, - but it turns out I just didn't notice the consequences until their delayed adverse effect pushed me to the brink.

Thank you for advice, I figured I shouldn't concentrate on this "too far gone" thing, and I try not to, but sometimes it's just that distractions don't work. I'm probably just having a shitty episode, I'll be okay. No, meds don't make me feel worse, rather it's the fact that I'm suffering side-effects, - not the worst ones, but nausea is sometimes really-really bad, - with no positive effects yet. It's been less than a month, I know the meds take time, but can't help but feel sort of cheated a bit. It's nothing really, I just had to post that part. And yeah, I went to professionals precisely because I just had no other option. Either that or becoming determined to kill myself. Consequences - well, that would be depression itself. I thought I could just swim through the sea of shit that I had voluntarily put myself in, and walk out dry. Turns out it hadn't worked out well. I don't really want to go too much into details here, I'll say I'm talking about abusive relationships and violent resolutions to conflicts, and leave it at that. Maybe my depression started a bit earlier than that even, but that stuff didn't help at all.

Anyone use any of the online paid therapy sites?

Just to add on to this post; anti-depressants reach their fullest potential after about a full year's use, after which your doctor may recommend going off of them considering that they should've done their job by then. At least that's what my doctor told me about them, for mirtazapine in particular. The only time you should stop any medication immediately is if they're doing way more harm than good, with regards to anti-depressants that's allergic reactions, fainting, seizures, intolerable side effects, etc. In any case you should talk to your doctor about these or other issues right away if they come up so that he/she can advise you on what's best to do. It's best to keep taking the medication until you see your doctor but if you can't then you'll need to seek emergency medical attention.

I realize more and more how disconnected I've been from my own life. After I started doing mindfulness, I've gained this super power where if I remember to be mindful, I become mindful. Music is no longer background noise but a experience when I remember this. Walks become an adventure. Games become immersive. Doing chores is also less of a pain because being mindful makes me realize that chores are more tiring to worry about than actually doing. Being mindful makes me realize so much more about my life and its nice to see things as they are, at least when I remember to be mindful to begin with. I'm still not that good at remembering to be mindful but I am capable of it! I also think I've discovered why I'm having panic attacks. I sat down to reflect on them earlier and it made so much sense why they've come. To summarize, I started having panic attacks after having a bad trip on LSD. I never understood why I had a bad trip and what you don't understand is automatically scarier than it is. So I thought about that for a while and I understand now. I wrote a big post about it in the addict's lounge if this sort of thing sounds interesting enough to learn more about. Anyway, it's nice to know and I'm feeling hopeful that I'll be able to accept the panic attacks more for what it is now that I understand why they're here to begin with.

I love being cheery and productive one day and then feeling like a complete waste of flesh the next day. My friends try to help me but I can't explain what I'm feeling or when I do try to explain I feel like the peatiest motherfucker on the planet. I wish I could donate my existence to someone ells because I feel anybody would be better at life than me. fuck

It feels so bad, it's like something I can't quite put my finger on is so very wrong, I promised myself I'd never fall so low that I'd start considering giving up, and I'm still holding on to that just barely, I'm close. I feel so guilty, so ashamed and I feel very lonely but I'm too ashamed to seek out friends. I have nothing to be proud of, I'm a failure and I can't live up to what is expected of me.

You don't necessarily have to live up to other peoples' expectations of you. You are your own person, not a caricature composed of others' hopes and dreams. It's ok to fail, what's not ok is to not stand up one more time to face your situation and your fears. Our society today treats failure of any kind as some kind of leprosy or similar such highly infectious disease, rather than as a learning experience to do better the next time. Failure is inevitable in life, the lessons you took home from it are what determine your future success. Fun fact; a lot of people who became wildly successful actually happen to have had a mindset similar to a severe delusion in attempting to make the impossible possible. I won't say that it always worked, but it's a common thread to see in the lives of the very successful. If you feel like you need somebody to speak to, I'll offer an ear to listen for the time being.

How did you do it? I just can't, I feel very sick if I eat a lot in the morning - or whenever the fuck I manage to wake up, although lately my sleep patterns are getting better. Yet I still manage to eat like a couple of crackers and that's it.

I like sunny and clear weather. I hate sunny and clear weather. I love the way it feels on my skin and breathing the fresh air but I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to be doing if I go outside. I could walk the same paths I've walked a million times but that's boring. I just want to be outside but its like I need to be able to justify being outside or else I'm not allowed. I miss smoking for that very reason. I use my vape nowadays so now I do it inside but when I was smoking, I'd usually take a stroll down the street and take a small walk while smoking. I could decide to take a walk to the store since it meant I'd be able to smoke more cigs before I got back or because I had already taken the step to go outside so why not. I'm not able to justify going outside for that reason anymore since now I get my nicotine hit inside. It sounds silly to need a reason to do something I'd like to do and it's honestly confusing why I think this way. Going outside is so boring if I don't have a reason to go outside which is weird since why would it be more fun if I went outside to smoke a cig? I'd do the exact same thing in both scenarios only with a cigarette between my lips on the latter.

That sounds nice tbh. I used to listen to more music, especially when I was out and moving but I stopped at one point and stopped bringing my in-ears. I also used to take more walks back then so maybe music would help me out. My in-ears and over-ear headphones broke on me tho so gotta buy a new pair. Regarding the smoking, I think it's out of habit. When I started out smoking I tried to hide it from my parents so I always ended up on long walks to smoke and relax and the habit just stuck with me. I still get antsy and restless if I do it right outside where I live as if someone can see me smoke even though I live by myself and no one nearby could care less about it

does anyone have any idea about how common pretty intense tremors are from anxiety? honestly for years i've gotten some pretty rough tremors/anxiety-like attacks that range from a couple of minutes to maybe 10 at max, and only ever really experienced that from something negative relationship-related. it's pretty much just that awful feeling in your stomach and some pretty intense shaking and teeth chattering, can't say I have any other physical symptoms during them. for example things that have caused them before have been like finding out a past girlfriend was essentially cheating on me, or when i found out she was flirting with another guy, etc. and most recently i was getting them again when realizing that my now very recent ex-girlfriend wanted to talk serious (i could definitely feel that something was wrong before she told me all sorts of her feelings that i've posted about here and elsewhere before) and even something as simple as seeing her post or be active on social media sets me off now. of course i know a good solution would be to stop following her, etc. but it's a bit more complicated than that and i'll admit i wouldn't want to anyways. i've definitely got a bit of an issue with wanting to still know what she's doing regardless of that though i've never really looked into the tremors themselves and idk if anyone else has had experience with that and has any idea of any severity it implies. i don't feel like it impairs me enough to want to talk to a doctor, as it's only really happened once or twice with anyone else around, but it is definitely an awful feeling when it's going on and makes me wonder if i dont have something more serious going on with anxiety

Welp, I've had a few so it's time to vent because aha of fucking course it its. I hate people knowing how I'm really feeling because there's some little voice in my head that says "letting others know the real you is bad" so I just fucking bottle it all up. I despise my body becuase it's so goddamn needy "wah wah, I need food, I need drink, oops it's time to expel that, oops time for me to feel like death is upon me, whup you brushed me in the wrong way time to feel pain for the next hour" like, make up your mind you cluncker of a shell! Aha, my last post made me feel like I've become invincible to all my troubles, but here they are rearing their ugly head once again. I dread meals because it's a choice of wasting food or being on the verge of throwing it all up. I absolutely despise going out because I know at some point I will be hit with a feeling like I'm walking through mud and I'm getting nowhere and oh god is that the reaper coming to claim my soul. Not really sure anymore and these are just the physical sides of someone who is not sure they should even exist any further.

Losing my friends, going nowhere in college, slowly but surely turning into a recluse, becoming out of shape and not being able to find the drive to just get off my ass and run every day again. This is a terrible feeling I'm feeling.

In the past few years I've stopped being able to perform the confidence trick of thinking that things will somehow improve, I can't maintain the illusion long enough for any of it to manifest. My spine is fucked and I'm always in pain, nothing is meaningful or enjoyable. I think I have serotonin syndrome from alcohol and SSRIs. I would like to be dead.

Finally started going to a mental health clinic after my GP referred me. Talked to a psychiatrist today. Went very badly. Nobody cares. Nobody really listens to me or takes me seriously. I'm just a problem to pass onto the next doctor. Don't know if I should bother going back. Thought this was going to be a good step but I'm left feeling so much worse. Back into the hole I go, why did I even bother? How fucking dumb am I that I seriously believed something could come from this? The world is going to be a better place when I'm dead.

I'm having a panic attack. my dept manager, the shift manager, and my supervisor all three sent me a meeting notice for monday. no info about it at all, just 9am with the three of them, which is what they did when they wrote me up last week for biting my nails. I work in a hospital, they didn't like that. but now they have the fucking director of pharmacy added to the list so I have no fucking idea whats going on. and its so goddamn late that me emailing them asking about it isn't going to be seen for fucking forever. so I'm just rocking back and forth hyperventilating and feeling like I'm going to puke my fucking guts out. I'm sweating, shaking, feeling dizzy, and like I'm genuinely going to pass out.

One bad shrink doesnt mean all of them will be bad. But the sad part is, few people are motivated enough to actually settle with issues than pass the buck if they can't handle it.

whats a way for me to make myself think more positively i think how angry i am at how messed up my life is is essentially some sort of self perpetuating cycle of depression it could really help if i dont worry so much about things for really no reason and instead try to think positively about them. even though im pretty messed up right now, im going to be relatively fine relatively soon, even if i dont easily achieve as many goals as id like to i think i should be proud of what i've learned from going through my hardships, and, even though it will take some time, i can actually get over basically all of the things i worry a lot about

Positivity is something you have to come up with on your own, basically. Look at any situation you're in from a glass half full perspective, such as what you can take away from it to improve yourself further. I have plenty of things other people would kill for to have a fraction of, but that's never been any guarantee for happiness, since I have to face many roadblocks of my own. Do what you can and do your best - that's all that can be expected of anyone.

Yup, though not anymore. I hope that music will become the new going outside habit. I picked up the Sony WH-1000XM2 so now I have no excuse to not go outside anymore haha. I'm not exactly where I want to be in terms of positive thinking but I'm getting there. For me, I've tried to drop my expectations and drop my desire to change how things are. I still attempt to get better through healthy habits but if I first feel bad or negatively, I don't fight it. It is what it is and by accepting it like that, it tends to go away. Before, I had a tendency to really want to feel different. I didn't want to feel anxious or depressed or have any bad emotions at all since it hurt so much. By doing what I said, it's still there but a lot less and I don't worry or think negatively about it that much either. Life is what it is and I personally think that the faster we are able to accept our shortcomings, our previous fuckups, our current situation and emotions, the better off we are.

Anxiety is like being hunted by a stranger with something that looks like knife in their hands. The stranger never tires and never stops the pursuit, causing panic and distress as running starts to feel hopeless, yet you fear for your life so you keep running. You lose track of where you are, what you're experiencing and so on because that's no longer important. All that matters is to survive and live another day. But if you stop and finally face them, no matter how uncomfortable it is, you might realize that the stranger wasn't someone with evil intentions at all. It was someone who wanted to help since they saw you drop your phone earlier. It wasn't a knife but only your phone and they wanted to give it back.

Anyone know what this phenomenon I'm experiencing is called? It always happens when I go to bed to sleep, usually a few minutes before I fall asleep. Best way I can describe it is like this: I get this uncomfortable warmth, like a wave of sorts, going through my body. I feel all of my muscles tense up along with this warmth for a second before the wave passes over me. It feels like the physical symptoms of a panic attack without the pain and as said, it passes relatively quickly. I also feel it mentally, like feeling alert, a feeling of fear and extra aware like a panic attack. Basically, a mini panic attack that only lasts for a second or two before the "wave" passes over me and it happens several times before I fall asleep. It is very consistent and happens almost every day with a few exceptions here and there. I googled it and found the term "hyperarousal". For those who might experience this or what I'm experiencing and might know more than me, does this sound correct? Important to note, this along with a lot more anxiety + panic attacks started happening after I had two bad trips on drugs about 5 months ago. I've gone into detail on this before so I won't dive too deep, but what I experienced felt like dying over the span of 6 hours and 20 hours (first and second bad trip). I was certain I was going to die during the 20 hour one due to the extreme pain along with losing my mind that I had to go to the ER to confirm I wasn't gonna die. Ever since, I've experienced these mini panic attacks while falling asleep, panic attacks while awake (though not as often anymore) and anything that reminds me of these trips brings me back to them, resulting in anxiety.

On an internship in NY that's pretty standard and boring but I'm grateful to be getting the credits and money for it. Just sucks not knowing anyone up here. So I'm doing.. okay.. I guess.

one step forward, two steps back and tripping and falling and what's the fucking point holy shit I cannot handle friendships why do I try all I do is anger or annoy or hurt people ayyy

I understand how you feel. I've gone through the same thing too, but you must believe me when I tell you that you're not annoying or hurtful as your mind is trying to make you feel. Your friends love you the way you're, that's why they are there, sometimes they might be busy or caught up in their own worlds, but they're not uncaring or feeling like you must go away... and if for any chacne they do leave, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT IF THEY LEAVE YOU. I know it's painful, but you must keep yourself open to new people, if your friends leave you, you must think that you'll eventually meet new friends and people who love and care about you, but that's not going to happen if you close yourself and cut down communication. You gotta survive man. If you ever feel you need someone to talk to, you can always add me. We might get along or not, but I will never feel annoyed or hurt by your presence.

How did you go with this Zakk?

I feel like i have lost all sorts of purpose in this world, i never found out about who i really am, i never found something that i can passionately like, feels like i'm just another burden in this world waiting to fade away one day, really wish i could just disappear from existence.

If you can't find what to do.. do anything. Check any activity available near you, show up and participate, once you're done ask yourself "Did I like doing that?" "Would I enjoy doing it more times?" If the answer is Yes, continue doing it and you'll eventually forge a personality. If the answer is No, scratch it from the list and repeat step 1. Your purpose is not the end of your life. It's not like a movie or a game where once you complete it, it's over. Your purpose will change over time and so will your personality and one way to find a purpose is through exploring the world. Don't disappear on us yet.