Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V7 - General

I keep forgetting that there are people out there who don't feel the way I do 100% of the time, that it's not normal to be like this.

I'm tired of feeling like shit every single day, but I feel like I don't deserve help. I'm setting myself in toxic ways because I can't care less about life. It sucks that I'm probably not gonna try to get help, but such is life I guess.

I've been steadily growing more aware that my suicidal thoughts have been winning me over in the last couple years. I've probably had passing thoughts since my teenage years but these days there seems to be such an idea of peace at the thought of it. I promised myself if I was ever in this position I would pack my bags and start walking, go on an adventure and don't look back, but even that seems, just silly. I have no intention of doing it right now, and I've never self harmed, but I guess the last 10 years or so of being a relative zombie, only broken by short intense spells of social anxiety and paranoia have taken their toll. I'm appreciative of life and I think the main reasons are leaving my brother and mother behind to sort out my mess, and knowing they will go through their lives with that loss, which isn't fair and I can't wish it upon anyone. I miss looking forward to tomorrow.

i have been working remotely for the last month. i haven't had any sort of meaningful conversation with an actual person for a few weeks now it is weird. i feel alone. i thought i'd like being alone but i was wrong

I went through the same thing, I had the choice of working at home, or at the office, a 15 minute tram ride. Eventually I stopped going in, days turned to weeks, weeks to months. Colleagues got worried and started asking questions. The only people I would speak to was the shop keeper and customers. I essentially lived and worked from my bed, living a half life. I recommend you stop what you are doing, although I know you know that, take yourself on a random trip to a dive bar and start talking shit with people in the meantime, if it's your thing, it helped me get out at least.

Any of you guys ever feel like you're always wrong and guilty of all the things you have done?

I've had the same job for the past 5 years, my first job too technically. I have a new job lined up but my main problem is how to quit. It's only a part time job but we're so short on people that I am getting massive anxiety from this. I know my boss won't be upset, she will probably just be extremely disappointed. Especially since she's probably going to need two surgeries soon and if people aren't there she'll be the one that has to do it. Should I just write a letter and hand it to her? Should I email HR? Should I tell her I'm leaving in 2 weeks?

thanks. its comforting to know that i'm not alone in this and that others, too, have felt what i'm feeling right now. i've got to sort my shit out.

Just try not to pace around your apartment in a haze arguing with yourself too often, I found it to be a common side effect

I wish time would just stop so that I could get some time to catch up

Try averting that courage to something productive instead? Seems like an aweful waste of resources.

I'm exactly the same, I've been dealing with the same couple of issues for a long ass time and getting to the point where the darkness seems peaceful. The fact is we and many others have been convinced that the life we are leading is good for us and if we can't keep up with it we are weak. It's ridiculous, in the current society the more aware and intelligent someone is the higher the chances of them becoming depressed, Western society is so loaded with bureaucracy that emotions and "spirit" have been negated down to grades, training courses and the relevant paperwork. Some people fit fine in this system, others, most even, don't. Make a radical change in your circumstances if you aren't happy with your direction, if you need to go and be a survivalist in the woods, spend your time as a bum on the street or go travelling, do it. Death is coming anyway, it can wait.

Can I ask what it was that gave you hope, and was taken away?

Found a method to reduce my stress: Lay down on a carpet, put my hands on my belly and breath slowly. It's like my head can actually get breath for once.

Might be time to find a new therapist and pdoc. I've been having both suicidal urges and homicidal urges recently, therapist gave me a pat on the back and pdoc literally didn't give a shit when I explained why I walked instead of drove to the clinic today out of fear of snapping while driving. I've had the works done. Hormones, vitamin screening, CBC, whatever. I'm perfectly healthy so unless I have a fucking tumor in my head I get to live with this shit for the rest of my life. Medication is doing shit for me, the pdoc doesn't want to start me on antidepressants or anything that may trigger mania so I'm stuck with fucking latuda which does shit for depression. Meanwhile I've been on and off with these depression/support groups and I've seen that nobody is actually doing better, even some of the members who have been going for years.

@Cigarettes Sure, the human mind is potentially some kind of abyss but it's also just a series of functions firing off learned or developed through whatever reasons. Probably just better to remember the scope of the universe and how insignificant everything is. We are just moss growing on a warm rock in an infinite expanse. Our problems tend to develop into these larger than life things that can consume people if they lose their footing, but it's all self inflicted in one way or another. Self punishment can become a habit I guess, same with a dog biting it's own tail if it's been through extreme stress. I need to make sure I take a step out of myself every so often to make sure I'm not trapped in my own mind and thinking irrationally.

My experience with suicide is that often when I think about suicide, I always end up just committing myself to live more. From my POV and inside my own circumstances, suicide is pointless for me because I'm going to die at some point in the future, either by natural causes or by being killed or by sickness. My life might be just nothing, but if I can help others, improve things, make things around me move, as small as they're, if I can only be reason of change in the world, whether it's small or big. It's a life worth living. This way, the day my time comes, I know that I won't feel bad because I know that I did as much as I could and did nothing but my best in every single stage in my life, while the results might not have been what I expected, it sure has been a life worth trying to live.

i'm done with this garbage pile of a body, deformed and in pain no matter the level of fitness so why bother

I've been going through a bit of a rough chapter in my life as of late (depression, anxiety, between jobs, etc.) and I tried shrooms for the second time this past weekend (the first time was a small dose and I didn't really notice anything). I've gotta say that it was a very positive and enlightening experience. I feel like it helped me discover a piece of my past, a piece of who I was... and it also helped me realize that there was just may more positivity in my life, but this positivity came in small forms with a lot of quantity. For example watching funny videos, talking with more people than I do now, not worrying about the future (which is still one of my greatest struggles), taking the time to take care of myself, etc. These activities came naturally so I never thought much about them, I took them for granted. Then when things got dark in my life I completely forgot about these natural activities and slowly things became worse and worse to the point of completely forgetting about things that I could do to achieve happiness. After using shrooms it's helped me to re-learn these things. Another big thing I re-discovered was that I helped way more people with various things (life advice, programming help, generosity, etc.) and that was very fulfilling. I still help people, but not as much as I did and it hasn't been as fulfilling because my heart just wasn't in it like it used to be. Before trying shrooms I read about how they could help with depression, but I couldn't have imagined that it would've helped me as much as it did. I also can't stress enough how important your environment/state of mind is for having a rewarding experience. A good trip can easily turn in to a bad trip and without the right tools/fortitude/whatever (I have no idea what to call it) it can be hard to recover from a downwards spiral to get back in to a positive experience. I did have a bad experience for a short time because of one of my friends was being negative but thankfully we were able to talk it out and get things back on track to having a good time. Living in the present from moment to moment is probably one of the greatest peace of mind things out there and it's something I want to improve in myself. Too many days have gone where I've made my day a bad one because of worrying about things out of my control.

Is any of this actually helping you? Therapy is doing shit for me. I've been holding out hoping the meds would do something but they're really not. Dunno if they monitor your online account or not, so don't know if you can give me an honest answer. I've personally been reluctant to post my thoughts here because my details are publicly known. Maybe I'll try using an alt in the future.

Quoting _RJ_ Living in the present from moment to moment is probably one of the greatest peace of mind things out there and it's something I want to improve in myself. Too many days have gone where I've made my day a bad one because of worrying about things out of my contro This is very important advice for keeping your mental state in check. One of the problems most people (myself included, sometimes) is that we measure ourselves in long term goals and achievements that require long term commitment and things that aren't always in our control. This lead to frustration and an overall feeling of "failure" because you feel like you've never ever achieved anything in life or that you'll never become healthier or better. The future itself is uncertain, but by living from moment to moment, trying to make the best decisions, you're reducing the likeness of things not changing and also reducing your chances of feeling regret.

Anyone use music for therapy? I've listened to the same album every day for over 400 days, each time I go to sleep, and it really calms me down.

Psychedelics can do wonders for a depressed mind. I've had a similar experience with LSD when I was in a dark period of my life. I tried it about 2-3 times and all of sudden I was pulling myself together a great deal. I had the same "realization" that you had with these small positive things we do for ourselves and how much we take it for granted. It made me aware, present and it helped me realize how much I took for granted, or how much I neglected. Depression is like walking on a road you know but it's night and all the street lights are off. Psychedelics can help light up the road you've always walked so you can better understand where you are, where you need to go and what you need to do to get there. A microscope into your own mind. Even 3 years later, LSD still helps in the same manner as the first time if I take it. If I've neglected showering for example, I tend to start showering on a regular basis the day after I take LSD. It definitely isn't a permanent solution I've found since it's easy to fall back into old habits, but it really is helpful to get the ball rolling in my experience.

Taking a walk is so refreshing, why am I not doing this more often? It lifts me right up and I feel happy. Walking around aimlessly on some quiet streets late at night is probably one of the best feelings in the world. No people, just me and the world. I used to do this a lot more often before where I'd run out the door at 1AM and walk 20km, then take a train back home when the sun comes up. It's difficult to settle with short walks as I tend to get this feeling that I don't want to go back home, so before I know it, I'm far away.

Sometimes it feels like my life is playing some cruel joke on me. I recently got into Blender and that new Monster Hunter game and it felt so good to be occupied with something I actually wanted to do. I'd spend hours on YouTube watching Blender tutorials and even more hours making my own models with what I've learned. So far I've created my weather station, desk, wall, LED strip and my flashlight. The idea was that I'd eventually make everything on my desk so I could have a scene of, well, my desk. I also had that Monster Hunter game to play like I mentioned which has also been a lot of fun. Having these two options gave me some nice variation between something productive that I enjoyed as well as something fun to play. Now I don't want to do either of them anymore. I know I got it in me to create more models since I already made what I did but I can't bring myself to enjoy it again. Monster Hunter lost its charm as well for some odd reason. I don't know why this happens, it just turns into a chore out of nowhere. It ends up frustrating me so much that I only launch Blender for a total of 10 minutes before I quit it again and the same can be said about MH. It's so weird too since just two days ago, these two things was all I wanted to do. I think I started doing this on Wednesday or Thursday? This interest didn't last long in other words.

https://puu.sh/BiGHB.wav https://puu.sh/BiGZg.wav

This happens to me a lot. I find a new thing and it's great and after a while it doesn't feel good anymore and I get frustrated. This is why I like short indie games, they're the only ones I can actually finish anymore, and I don't feel guilty over not finishing something I paid $60 for. Still, even starting one of those up feels like a lot of effort. I get frustrated when people tell me I need to put in effort to get better. I know they're right, but I feel like all I can do is get through the day. If I'm not working, getting food, or using the bathroom, I'm in bed. Sometimes my shoulders hurt from lying on my sides too much. I'm so tired.

Good advice. Walks always help me to cope with stress. It worth to try to go on walks at night. I want to add that alcohol and cigarettes can aggravate the problem of anxiety. Here the article about the impact of nicotine on mental health https://vapingdaily.com/support/tobacco-use-and-mental-health/. Maybe it will be useful for someone. Good luck!

Just had my therapist cancel on me today (shes not in). Next appointment won't be until the 6th, already decided to not go back and I'm looking into alternatives that my insurance will cover. This couldn't have come at a worse time, since I was ready to check myself into the hospital today depending on what she thought. Really feeling lost right now.

My life has been steadily getting better, Im excelling at my job, Im up for promotion, I have money again and im not close to losing my apartment anymore, Im not in debt. Despite all this, Im miserable. Im just so alone. I cant relate to my friends, even though we're all basically the same age I feel like Im so old compared to them. My music and movie tastes are old, the slang I use is old, my hair is thinning, one of my beard hairs turned bright white, people constantly think Im over 30, im only 22. I just dont get what my friends are into, and they dont get what Im into, they call me "gramps". When I date guys my age I feel like I dont understand them, I honestly thought I had shit figured out but I feel like a fucking alien outside of work. My dad's had terminal cancer since september 2016 (he told me december that year) and I dont even know how I feel about it anymore, I used to lose sleep over it, I cried and cried, he's been in and out of hospitals, and had great news and horrible news directly following that good news that I dont know what emotion I should have anymore, its just broken me. Im so conditioned to hear really awful news after good news then when something good happens in my life, I get stressed out. I tell my friends that Im feeling lonely, that Im really fucked up over my dad's cancer, and that my life is just shit right now. They give me advice, and they try to relate to my situation and it just does nothing for me, I dont want advice, I just want a hug and for someone to tell me I'll be ok, I just want some humanity, but everyone just seems so cold and analytical "Well you can't let it get you down." "Heres what I'd do." I dont want to hear it anymore, I just want some compassion, I want to feel like a person for once. I dont even know why Im typing this, its not like it will help anything.